January 2014, Issue 16
HUMANITY LOST CONTACT
Tool of Language Best & Worst STR ESS PAYS TOLL
RESPECTING NATURE
The Dilemma
Spontanteity
OF YOU R SEN TIM EN TS
THE DRAMA OF LONELINESS
Weak are Weaker Thirsty World FOR MORE HARMONY
NOW THE DAWN IS RISING
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January 2014, Issue 16
CONTENTS
The Dawn is Rising A New Year’s Wish page # 6
By Diana Dentinger
Harmony The World is Thirsty for Harmony
page # 7
By Diana Dentinger
The Spontaneity of Sentiments Add Authenticity to Relationships
page # 10
By Diana Dentinger
Encourage Your Youth TEDx Youth Event 2013
page # 12
By Diana Dentinger
The Tool of Language Humanity Has Lost It’s Contact
page # 13
By Diana Dentinger
The Depressed Have Given Up TEDx Youth Event 2013
page # 15
By Diana Dentinger 3
January 2014, Issue 16
CONTENTS
Modern Loneliness Weak are Getting Weaker
page # 16
By Diana Dentinger
The Girl Up Project TEDx Youth Event 2013
page # 19
By Diana Dentinger
Stress Brings Stuff Out The Best and the Worst in People
page # 20
By Diana Dentinger
The 10 Keys to Success TEDx Youth Event 2013
page # 22
By Diana Dentinger
More Respect for Nature Who is Called to Solve this Dilemma
page # 24
By Diana Dentinger
Have Kids Vote TEDx Youth Event 2013 By Diana Dentinger
page # 26 4
FROM THE EDITOR
NEW YEAR & NEW ENERGY! As a parent, I have always found that the feeling of “new year” actually comes more in August and September when school starts (here in the northern hemisphere). Somehow during that month there are more organizational and planning things to get off the ground. There are “new” teachers, friends, classes, activities and family schedules. There are new problems and even solutions in the “raising children” realm of my life. It is an active feeling of getting a new start. In the fall I ask myself questions about time: “When are my kids being taken to or picked up and by whom and where”. But as a woman, when it is really the new year in January, when the family schedule is set, when things slow down a bit with the shorter days, when the quiet of the cold wintery temperature has us hibernating a bit more... well, then the real new year feeling comes. And this feeling is more reflexive. It is more comfy cozy, so to speak. It is soft and delicate. And in that moment I ask myself deeper questions, I ask myself about being.
January 2014, Issue 16
FEEDBACK Your feedback is welcome. This is your magazine too. Let us know what would help you find inner peace in parenting your children. Contact Inner Peace Parenting Magazine Magazine Privacy Policy Copyright 2012 Diana Dentinger Inner Peace Parenting Magazine Sviluppo CCT sas - Italy All rights reserved under the International and Pan American Copyright Conventions. Reproduction in whole or part is prohibited without written permission from the publisher. The publisher assumes no responsibility for the unsolicited materials.
HAPPY NEW YEAR Diana Dentinger, Editor Inner Peace Parenting Magazine
“Who do I want to be this year”. I find both “new year” periods energize me. The Fall energizes my doing and the Winter my being. I have no preference. Both are lovely and both are necessary for the rebirth in Spring.
Be a more conscious parent in 2014. Raise more conscious children. 5
PEACE IN NEW YEARS
A New Year’s Wish The Dawn is Rising By Diana Dentinger
h"p://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mp1htMrzovY
The Dawn is Rising! This is a very profound message that I received to transmit to you this month. This issue is based on the main points of this message. Listen to it a few times to feel and hear how it could pertain to you and how to improve your energy, mindset and choices this year.
Diana Dentinger As a neurobiology therapist, Corporate Trainer and Personal Development Coach Diana Dentinger helps people find meaning and energy to create the life they desire. She works with parents too to help them get into the deeper sense of their children. She offers regular webinars on the topic of relationships. 6
PEACE IN HARMONY
Harmony The World is Thirsty for Harmony By Diana Dentinger
Everyone has their own image of what harmony looks like. What does harmony look like to you? In relationships, most people say that it’s just a feeling so it’s hard to describe. But generally, if you describe it as a picture you might see people in a group getting along in a peaceful way or even you by yourself being happy with you! Harmony in music In music, harmony is the relation of the chords and the combination of notes that make sounds that are pleasing to the ear. What songs or singers have you heard that are such beautiful melodies that it moves your heart? Does the way you interact in your family sound like beautiful music? Harmony in architecture Have you ever seen a building or landscaping that was not harmonious? Somehow it seemed that the order or congruity of the different aspects or parts did not agree with one another.
Did you notice that the whole was a togetherness of things that was not pleasant looking. Do the rooms in your home have a harmonious look to them? Do you have any homes on your block that are unpleasant looking? Design captivates both the eye and the mind and influences even your mood. There are lots of studies about how the orderliness or cleanliness of a city area makes it so the inhabitants respect it, keep it clean and even help to maintain it that way. How do harmony and even order fit in with how your home and family interact?
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Harmony in nature
Harmony in the body
Nature is naturally harmonious. There are amazingly proportional forms and shapes that are so phenomenal. Just look at the beauty of crystals, flowers and shells.
Everywhere you look there is the “perfect body” craze. Are you happy with your body right now? Are you working hard to get the perfect body? What are you telling your kids about how the body should look?
Unity is the highest element of beauty. Can we learn something about the laws of nature, architecture and music to create a beautiful, harmonious and unified family?
Proportion is mathematical and people’s proportions are not geometrically perfect like buildings. These are calculated and constructed to be harmonious.
Harmony in personality It seems like some people are born just being more easy going, happy go lucky, get along with anyone types. Do you know any of these people? They are a pleasure to be with. They accept differing opinions without arguing. They are most often in a good mood. They beat to their own drum without having to have others follow along. Think of someone like the Dalai Lama, who could easily be justified to want to fight back yet he choses peace and harmony. Even the way he moves his body is harmonious. Maybe harmony is holistic! Can we have harmony on the outside if it is not first on the inside?
Could that be why we often complain about our look or compare our body to others because we yearn for external harmony? Could that be why people invest so much to reach their “standard” of a perfect body? Could that be why so many people give up taking care of their bodies because they can’t reach perfect? Could all of these people really be yearning for inner harmony? Harmony for humans is an inner job! When you feel at peace you spend time on self care and personal hygiene, you dress in a style and with colors that make you more attractive no matter your size, you have good manners, you eat nourishing food, you use a peaceful and enthusiastic tone of voice and you take care of your personal things. Be an example of inner harmony for your kids. It shows!
What is on the inside does show on the outside. What are you showing your kids along the lines of peace and harmony. Visit our facebook page to ask questions and leave comments: https://www.facebook.com/InnerPeaceParentingMagazine
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PEACE IN LOVE
The Spontaneity of Sentiments Add Authenticity to Relationships By Diana Dentinger
It was once said back in the Renaissance “Great art can only result from a passionate spontaneity of feeling...” Can relationships be a Work of Art? Creating art and creating relationships require spontaneity. You can add on some skill and vision but the spontaneity part is the most important. Maybe you have refined the skill of communication. You know how to create a deeper relationship based on the spoken word and you pick and chose the right words for each moment and mood of the other person. But your non verbal language is spontaneous. Here’s an example: Maybe your words say you are open to having a certain conversation but then you cross your arms in front of you. This means your are shutting off or closing. We all natural readers of the subtle messages of the body. Often we are not conscious about what they mean but a certain part of our brain gets it and sets off a reaction to that person or situation.
Animals sense. And the word sentiment has it’s root in the word sense. To sense is to feel with your 5 or 6 senses. When you smell the perfume of a fresh backed apple pie maybe smelling that makes you hungry. That is sensing too. You are either hungry or not. Well, animals sense one of two things fear (danger) or fine (safe). They are super sensitive to people. They get when we “smell like” fear or fine with them. So the same 2 sentiments you have for another human being . You can be afraid of or for them, or you can be at peace and like or love them. 10
Why is spontaneity so important? Because we “smell like” fear to another person if we are “diplomatic”, “calculating”, “cautious” in the words we chose or actions we take. If you are ever afraid of what a family member or loved one might think about what you feel, think, say or do then you are “smelling” less authentic. It is a lot better: 1. to show up with your thought or feeling about a situation 2. assume the responsibility for thinking or feeling that way based on your experience - and not blaming others for how you think or feel 3. be open to changing how you think or feel. We are often afraid of misunderstandings that we block our spontaneity. We over think situations instead of jumping in and living them... especially in the genuine and natural expression of affection. Ever heard of “fear of public display of affection”? Sure you don’t have to make out in a crowded shopping mall because there are places for intimacy. But often you see wonderful people who seem “blocked” in expressing sentiments.
Some ways of being are cultural and often based on religious beliefs. Some actions are tabu and others are accepted. When you are in a different country it is obvious that you would respect the cultural usages and not offend them. This could mean for a moment being more contained. But here we are talking about family, friends, and even new friends. How often do you feel one of these is not being authentic and spontaneous with you? What do you prefer as a way of being? I have seem many clients who feel that they were blocked emotionally by the way they were raised with a lot of “don’t do that” phrases. And even at school with maybe a simple observation like “Sally, stop always answering and let the others solve the problem.” It could sound silly but phrases like that have left many people less spontaneous not realizing that they only come off as less honest, authentic and trustworthy. Just too as artists have the flow of feelings, they have a vision. What is your vision for how you see you can create work of art relationships build on the spontaneity of sentiments?
You can chose now to become aware of how others perceive you simply by asking them. Usually kids are great to ask. They are more animal and sense out what is fear. That is why so many parents get embarrassed by their kids spontaneity!
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PEACE IN THE HEART
Encourage Your Youth TEDx Youth Event 2013 By Diana Dentinger
h"p://youtu.be/fmgZVJMlIxI Remember to always breathe and breathe deep before letting out anger. It calms the reaction. Instead connect to your heart and breathe out love.
What do you say when your kids get a good grade? What do you say if they get a bad grade? Do you ever ask what they expected from themselves? How can you encourage them more? Can you shift brain perspective and hop over to the creative side if you are more rational, or to the logical side if are more “out of the box�?
PEACE IN CONTACT
The Tool of Language Humanity Has Lost It’s Contact By Diana Dentinger
From the title you know what I mean if you have ever been to a restaurant and seen a whole family sitting at a table and while eating being busy on their smart phones... instead of talking to each other and enjoying each other’s company. More and more people are “enjoying” each other through the screen of a computer or a smart phone. Everyone from 2 years and older, hoping that the toddlers are busy still playing with real toys, since it is common to see a 3 year old playing on a phone or tablet... Anyway, so many people nowadays seem to be spending time attached to a smart phone. It’s always in their hands, and when they strike up a conversation with someone they include the phone too. They start to swipe through the photo albums and show pictures, or they google the latest hilarious, stupid or dramatic youtube video and watch it together. But MOSTLY what they share is NOT about their direct life experiences. They share things that they have not done or made or lived.
Sure, about the photos, this could beat the “old days” when you were called to a friends’s house to sit through an hour long slide show of their summer vacation and hear “Oh, now here we are standing in front of the Eiffel Tower”. Duh, like it was pretty obvious. But was it really so bad compared to what we do now? How often, when you are showing your photos, do you really look the other person in the eyes and talk with passion and emotion? Or do you just flip through. The slide show-ers always took a long time to talk and host you for their special occasion. It’s not to say we need to go “back” but it’s how we share our lives. It’s about how we are losing contact! How we don’t take time.
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Think back on how you lived 15 yrs ago before the boom of devices. Now the people we share the most photos with are our social media friends and see if they “like” them. There’s very little printing pictures anymore, there’s very little physical recording of our moments and personal history. Contact means “with touch”. Yes, lot’s of touch screens! This statement is here just to provoke some reflection, to help us think about where we are going and how we are creating the future. When I think about my childhood over 40 years ago (let’s say me the same age as my youngest child) we all stayed in the kitchen, helped do the dishes, made our lunch for the next day at school, then watched a documentary on TV (no zapping, it was that or nothing) or even set up a board game or played cards at the dining room table. We were more in contact with one another. we started stories and finished them. There were fewer interruptions. Now around a table of 6 playing there are messages beeping and phones ringing and emails arriving.
Getting through a whole card game is pretty tough without interruptions. As a Corporate Trainer, there was a period a few years ago in which I found this new generation so “advanced” and I thought “Wow they won’t need the kind of training I do in companies about communication skills and team building.” Instead, with the evolution of more devices I actually think they will need more! In about 10 years, when all the “device kids” go for an interview to get a job, are they going to show themselves on a youtube video and say “Look at me here and hire me”. In my opinion, and I hope I’m wrong, but if parents and schools don’t start modeling communication made of eye contact, touch, physical and mental presence and start training these children to stay focused on the person they have right in front of them in that very moment...
...well I think the whole western society will go through some grave interpersonal and social challenges. Can social media contact, shortened language, talking by phone or internet ever really fulfill a human’s social needs? We think we are more in contact with others, but we really aren’t. Start spending more time unplugged and off the grid to have deeper contact with your friends and family!
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PEACE IN DOING
The Depressed Have Given Up TEDx Youth Talks 2013 By Diana Dentinger
http://youtu.be/3MIj4-SO-r8 We program our future by our mindset, attitude and choices today!
If an athlete says he can’t, will he? If your daughter says she can’t will she? Some things are physical ability and the limit of the physical body. Other things are decisions to overcome fear, overcome delusion, overcome a small loss now to have a greater gain in the future. Have you given up on something now that you would like to start again? Tell yourself you can.
PEACE IN SILENCE
Modern Loneliness Now The Weak Are Getting Weaker By Diana Dentinger
Just for the records... it’s fine to feel lonely sometimes since loneliness is a common and normal human emotion. Experts though can’t find a precise cause for loneliness, meaning they’re not able to indicate precise external events that always cause loneliness in people. And feeling lonely does not necessarily mean you live alone! Very often the “lonely” people actually live among many others. So it is not so much about something external but rather internal. Loneliness is a state of mind before it’s an emotion. Loneliness is caused by how you perceive situations, events and other people. It is caused by the thoughts you formulate about them. For example, if you just moved or are newly divorced, then you could be telling yourself that you are not surrounded by the same people you know so therefore you are lonely. This sets off emotions of sadness. Other research connects loneliness to genetics. You are “programmed” to be subject to feeling loneliness.
Either way, if you feel you are prone to loneliness, then you want to do something to prevent it. Only you can, since it is an “inner” thing. What’s it like for mothers Often new moms, once used to a busy work and social life, start feeling isolated being home alone with a newborn. Before the child they interacted and conversed with other adults throughout the day. Now, even if their child fills up their life with love and joy, they miss the company. If this sounds like you or someone you know, make the time and find the energy to continue calling friends and meeting. 16
Children can be taken many places so you can see the people that have always been a part of your life. Women are very group oriented and tend to recharge their energy and vitality being with other girlfriends sharing their life experiences. That too is “programmed” from ancient tribal memories. The same is true for stay home moms of kids of any age who dedicate their lives to the family. Sometimes they get wrapped up in all the things to do and forget to create a support group of friends. What’s it like for fathers Becoming a father means you now have a child to love and protect which is a very fulfilling feeling. It also means that the woman you love will be dedicated to taking care of the child. Often fathers feel left out since the bond between mother and child is naturally stronger based on the 9 months the child grows in the womb. There is no reason to make this a problem though. Again, it is an “inner” perception. If before you had one special person in your life, now you have two. It is how you think about the situation. Start thinking that the quality of the relationship is important, not the time that you spend together. Maintain a high quality in the time you have.
What it’s like to live feeling lonely Usually how you live is less healthy. With this feeling, you tend to each more fatty foods, get less exercise, socialize and get out less, sleep irregularly, and feel more tired during the day. Do the exact opposite if you feel lonely! Raising children in this state is not healthy for them nor for you! What it’s like to live connected What word would you use as the opposite of “lonely”? Here I use “connected” since a great way to both avoid and transform loneliness is to connect deeply with others and create close relationships. Loneliness can also stem from low self esteem. If you lack confidence the you believe you are unworthy of more attention. This just takes you convincing yourself that you are wanted. You will obviously be more pleasing to be with if you are in a happier mood! All humans crave connection so don’t wait until it becomes an issue. You don’t need lots of friends, you just need a few or even just one other person with whom you can be yourself and If you live with someone who feels lonely often, keep an upbeat positive attitude on life since loneliness in a certain sense is “contagious”.
Do you have a child who feels lonely? Does he or she have friends? The number of friends is not important, but just as for adults they need at least one confidant. Remember that they are better at making friends with healthy self esteem. Make your kids feel good about themselves above all. 17
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PEACE IN HELPING GIRLS
The Girl Up Project TEDx Youth Talks 2013 By Diana Dentinger
http://youtu.be/XWGjmtGzxkA If you could support or start one project or volunteer group, what would it be?
There are so many different life situations in the world today that we cannot begin to imagine. There is still so much suffering that we can’t understand unless we have at least seen it with our own eyes. Thank you to all those who in some way are dedicated to improving lives.
PEACE IN RESOURCES
Stress Brings Stuff Out The Best and the Worst in People By Diana Dentinger
Stress is so subjective. For example some people are stressed by having too much to do while others are stressed by not having enough. Some by loud noises in the house from music and TV and others by silence. If we let it, stress can get the best of us and the way we act change... meaning we react! Instead of being a problem solver, we become part of the problem. Our approach to what is around us becomes less effective. People tend to react in one of three ways: The first is becoming angry and controlling. This means you want things how you want them. Period. You step up frustrated to run the show, to feel you have power over the situation and and to make everyone obey. Does this sound like anyone you know? What are the side effects of this reaction mode? Sometimes you are faced with the other person having the same reaction as you and in a second moods ignite and fighting starts. Neither of you wants to lose so it continues in a power play in which both actually lose!
What is funny about stress and reactions is that other people can actually predict our reactions and it “seems” like they do things on purpose to get our goat. It is not always consciously so. It is just a habit really. It is like a game. If you are the “power” kind then set up your expectations with those around you before stress gets to you. Be kind and firm at the same time. Be clear about what you need and open to their input. Often being this angry type could “push” the other person give in or give up. Then you have either an indecisive person or one who is uncooperative...not because they are, but because they are afraid.
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The third group of reaction is the person who gives up. At a certain point they just close down, don’t talk, don’t do. You could get to a point in which you feel you have been too involved before and now it is time to detach. Often parents do this when they have tried everything, for example to get their teen to clean their room, and then they just “wash their hands” of the situation and stop being interested. Under stress instead you might be the pleaser. You want everyone to feel happy so you don’t bother them and you do whatever it takes to help and keep the peace. This is not being a loving or giving person, it actually stems from a fear of not being accepted.
If though the things was so important before then what you show your kids is that if they continue not doing what you ask long enough then you will give them slack. Prevent yourself from getting this way by asking your child to set a deadline for the task and teaching them to respect it.
And usually, after a period of being in the reactive “doormat” mode, that you grant any and all requests from others at your expense, this gets your goat and you get angry. So this destabilizes the other person who thought you always bend over backwards to go the extra mile and now you are “pissed” off.
Each reaction mode, like I said, is a game. It is a game of perception. Often we say it is the game of win or lose. One person perceives to win in a certain way and the other person is ok with losing.
Here it is best to learn to be realistic with your time - energy and how to say “no”. This can prevent you lots of stress later and the others around you will get used to doing things for themselves too!
The power person wants to win and finds it easy to have pleaser or detached person willing to lose. One reaction mode attracts a player who sets off a perfect win-lose dynamic. Instead the best way is always to handle stress before it gets the best of you.
Make a list of what triggers your reaction? What predictably sets you off? Now that you are aware of it you can change it. Awareness is the first step. Set up your day in a certain way and communicate to others that you are doing this so you don’t get stressed. Be honest about your “game” and laugh! 21
PEACE IN THE HEART
The 10 Keys to Success TEDx Youth Talks 2013 By Diana Dentinger
http://youtu.be/p-eoRJSGtxg Business tools can be used in personal and family management too.
Write down this list of 10 keys to Success quoted by the best selling author and business guru Brian Tracy. Which ones can you work on to now? Which ones could your child need help with? Accept where they are on in their growth and motivate them to improve by recognizing what they already do well!
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PEACE IN MOTHER EARTH
More Respect for Nature Who is Called to Solve this Dilemma? By Diana Dentinger
We can all do our part! I remember growing up in the 1970’s and seeing this powerfully moving TV ad with an Indian and a polluted lake. First we saw out of his eyes as he looked around and saw all this garbage on the shores. Then we saw his face and a tear slowly dripped down his cheek. I still get moved remembering the desperation in his eyes. So much has changed in our landscape since that time and less and less you see what we did growing up. Then it was common to see people throw garbage out the window of their car driving down the highway. I think the new generation would be appalled at this scene. We have come a long way in having cleaner cities, parks and highways, but there is so much more too do. What do you do? Nowadays the majority of people lend a hand and recycle, they chose products with less packaging so there is less waste and or they start a compost pile in their yard to regenerate the earth of natural wastes.
There is so much more we can do in our small daily life. Here’s a list. Share this with your kids so they feel they are doing their part too! Ever thought about these? How about skipping rinsing your dishes before putting them in the dishwasher? Put a few inches of water in the sink and use the same water to brush off each plate. Do you know how much water that saves in a year? How about not preheating your oven? This is really only necessary for certain cakes and pastries, but for other dishes you can bake them fine from the start. 24
How about turning OFF computers and stereos and things with a sleep mode? This consumes energy, actually saving you about 4 cents a day. It may not seem like a lot but that energy is produced and consumed somewhere.
How about a once a week vegetarian day? If you are not already on a low meat or no meat diet, for ideals or nutritional reasons, check out the statistics on the cost of meat production and the high water consumption involved in it.
How about changing your light bulbs? Try to have at least one of the new energy saving bulbs in your home. They are more expensive but consume less. They say that if everyone in the United States did this then the pollution reduction would be like removing one million cars from the road.
How about bunching errands or riding your bike? Instead of using the car to run here and there everyday, dedicate one day a week to running errands. You could even park your car a central location and have a bike or scooter in your car to hop to the places that don’t require you carrying big bags back to the car. Get your kids used to the idea too so they don’t ask everyday for something they need like just an eraser for school!
How about using less paper and paper napkins? Some are so large and multilayered that you could actually cut them in half. Or you could buy the paper towels that have the smallest towel with closer tear lines. How about asking your kids to draw a picture on both sides of the paper? Make it a game that they can hang it on the refrigerator and change sides every morning before breakfast. How about taking a fast shower a few times a week instead of a long bath? Most children love to play in the bath but getting them energy conscious at a small age and asking them to shower could help them feel they are contributing too.
How about cutting down on junk mail? Be honest with yourself, if you really enjoy that paper catalogue then stay on the store’s mailing list. If you only put it in the recycle bin then contact them to take you off their list. Last but not least... how about stopping with plastic bags? Many super conscious consumers carry extra plastic bags nicely folded inside their purses or pockets everyday so when they shop they can pull them out and load up their goods. The oceans are full of plastic and it is influencing the food chain. Another idea is to keep canvas bags in your car to use.
Post on our facebook page your suggestions for how to help mother earth in new and healthy day to day routines. We would love to hear from you! https://www.facebook.com/InnerPeaceParentingMagazine 25
PEACE IN A VOICE
Have Kids Vote TEDx Youth Talks 2013 By Diana Dentinger
http://youtu.be/uEEasV8OV2w Find balance among giving no voice to your children, totally letting them overrule you, and being the democratic leader of the family.
For what kind of plans or projects, that you map out or organize, do you ask your kids their “vote�. Do your kids have a voice in matters that concern them? Do they get a voice and you all talk about things together? Often they have the final say... which is not democratic for you either!