Health
BAD ADVICE...
Ask the
Expat T
Not all advice is good and not all people are as genuine as you may think. Enjoy our 'bad advice' column from the expert we have all met, know and love... the Expat.
his month we are seeking advice for all you foodies out there with an association of East Algarve Expats who
(Glares furiously). MAGAZINE: I… TATE: That attitude Sir is exactly why we
The 'Finest of the Foodies Association' seeks to bring a 'heightened awareness' of delicacy
according to my Astral Healer, I am allergic
Nothing is ever right or good enough for them, We are joined by Malorie Contante, a French American food critic who describes Paris and Los Angeles as her previous 'culinary hometowns'. Joining her is Master Tate Tachebrewski, a digital nomad working at his travelling website, 'Hairy Hipster Eats', a blog he originally started on a portable 1920s typewriter on the Metro in Ontario. MAGAZINE: Welcome Malorie and Master Tate. Please tell us more about your association and why it should matter to our readers in the East Algarve. MALORIE: Monsieur, wherever we go in the world, food is the music of the soul, and as a customer, I am the composer. I consider any restaurant or snack bar my orchestra and they
MALORIE: I once had a very serious issue, when I went to a Sushi restaurant. I made it VERY clear to those illiterate idiots I have an
Four bottles of wine on a table for two, I
They dared argue with me and say I was only ill because of the wine I drank. I am still with a psychologist for trauma about the incident
tears)... 'With the translator, they dared to say I am
hands every time they look at me, bringing out food in medical gloves and hazman suits. I also do not want to see their insolent faces. I need to speak to the chef at least four times during a meal and the manager many more. The busier the better for the audience. I must
MAGAZINE: That sounds, well… So what do you consider reasonable? MASTER TATE: If I go to a vegan restaurant, I should be able to demand an Argentinian steak. MALORIE: And not just any steak, a Patagonian, organic grass-fed cow, who also has been chocolate fed with a cocoa composite of over 80%... MASTER TATE: Yaaaaah. And intermittently across our meals, we demand the right to switch our declared dietary preferences. For example, at 6 pm I am a pescetarian on Wednesday, I am a fruitarian on Thursday and vegan from midday on Saturday. Delays in the food disrupt my culinary identity and cause havoc with my constitution and being neurodivergent, I'm extremely triggered by that lack of foresight in service even MAGAZINE: Essentially you expect any
TATE: Yaaaah. Take this as an example. We for something every time they come to the table or happen to walk by. 'Do you have a bamboo straw? I need more spice but without any chilli. Can I have more butter but one that is low fat and uses sodium free Himalayan pink rock salt? Can I have onion soup without onions? MALORIE: TATE: Yaaaaaah. It is our duty to leave verbose and scathing reviews on Tripadvisor, Facebook and any social media websites if MALORIE: The Portuguese must understand we will not eat peasant food unless it comes price tag and only if Vogue has reviewed it
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MASTER TATE: (patting her on the back
MALORIE: Ah you stupid man, it is about
MAGAZINE: about what you require in a restaurant? MASTER TATE:
MASTER TATE: The plebiscite never understands. I could hand you crap on a plate… MAGAZINE: Okay, I must be, but have you
picky but about being a champion for the If I have a burger, I bring my bun, demand only homemade sauces and each topping is
eaten? MALORIE: I think once in Los Angeles but I could have been my Doctor changing my
potatoes, so I require air-fried root vegetable fries. It is not that hard, is it?
I seek only perfection and am always let down.
by the time I have left, I consider my mission failed. If they cannot speak perfect English (Malorie chimes in 'or French') my patience has already worn very dangerously thin. Though the mask mandate is over, waiters had better wear masks and disinfect their
MASTER TATE: Yes, let's leave Malorie. A lowly local magazine doesn't have the international reputation of taste our inner intestinal tract requires. May I keep your pen?
www.eastalgarvemag.com
