Health
BAD ADVICE...
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Not all advice is good and not all people are as genuine as you may think. Enjoy our 'bad advice' column from the expert we have all met, know and love... the Expat.
his month we are speaking to a 'lifestyle coach' who is seeking to address the role of alcohol and diagnosis in the Expat community and our relation to ourselves. Brandi Whine, describes herself without the orthodoxy of having to believe in the twelve steps or God in the AA. "I'd drink that bastard under the table'', she quips. She considers her approach as a psychodramatic approach to alcohol in her infamous 'group therapy' sessions. She also moonlights as a pharmaceutical seller for Pfissahar, so if her clients get distressed she can prescribe them all sorts of highly addictive opioids like Fentanyl or what she calls uppers like Adderall. If you are unable to sleep she might prescribe you a highly addictive sleeping drug like Zolipdem or antianxiety drugs like Xanax. She recommends you wash that down with a shot, like Valley of the Dolls, she says 'medication works faster with liquor'. She is also the face of her own brand of Algarvian Cactus Tequila, and she may have slipped some extra Peruvian Torch extract and what she described as a 'spirit journey' at 50% volume. Expat: It is wonderful to meet you, Brandi. Your group therapy sessions are infamous here in the East Algarve! It seems few survive? Why do you think it is, many ExPats struggle with alcohol? Brandi: 'Oh darling, they would say they don't, but they struggle with everything down here! It is like its very own soap opera. I really just run the sessions for observational purposes and to make my sales commission! They struggle because…? Well there are too many alpha personalities, people wanting to have fun, those awful boring lockdowns, then they get upset about something stupid they've done! I say relax, take another shot of Brandy Wine! Can you hack my juice? Expat: And the group therapy…? Brandi (interrupt): It can get quite salty in our sessions, which is why alcohol is a perfect vehicle for personal development! It acts like a lubricant. It helps people sort their
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own social order and standing, but instead of throwing fists we use other methods! It's like when in the 1960s they used LSD for therapy sessions, but I have no access to a dealer, else I'd be plugging that too! Expat: Your methods and approach are causing quite a stir! Can you highlight a few? Brandi: As most don't identify as having a big problem, we always start a group with, 'you are an alcoholic, but I am not game' which really puts the cat amongst the pigeons. It is a gossip classic for our clientele and really gets the accusations rolling! We also like to sort people into categories. The richest, the poorest. The one with the best credentials. The prettiest, the ugliest. The most moral and pious! Who should be the serving class and the masters? That sort of thing that keeps a small community ever fluid with dynamic psychodrama. After the process of sorting group dynamics. I immediately after a discussion on philosophy, the meaning of life, Nietzsche, the future of the world, nihilism, morality, hedonism and what's it even all mean? (Laughs, whispering something inaudible). At that time of even greater confusion, it is always a great interval for my Pfissahar sales! Especially for the legally adhering ones. They might get off the train at this point, so to speak. See ya! Don't let the door slam on your… (Cackles). We all know in the alcohol and pharmaceutical industry, it is profitable for everyone to have a diagnosis, so if there isn't one, I tend to make one up and send the losers who can't hack it off with a prescription! If they are weeping, I say they can come to my Detox services at The Algarve Priory and I will prescribe them more or something else, much stronger! It's a five star facility and we have ex-celebrity doctors in hiding who'll basically prescribe anything and our rooms are like a glitzy 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest' just with more modern interventions! Expat: And for those who stay on your coaching train? Brandi: Oh they had better buckle up for the crazy train! Choo choo! Brandi takes another shot of her tequila and
spits, 'this is some good crazy fire, like life really'... 'Anyway where were we'? 'Would you like a shot'!? Expat: 'Thanks but not right now. You were describing your next unique methods... Brandi: 'Oh certainly. (She hammers another shot and wipes the drawl from her puckered mouth and burps). The next round is a game of 'accusations' and we see how people cope when they are drunk with real-life situations. Our bouncers act like the Springer Show. That is important, because we next bring out the inflatable Sumo suits for ExPat slam dunk scream therapy and jousting. They can return the next day to mop out any unfortunate spillages. The next day we commence with a shame session. At this point it is fortuitous to ask, 'do you want to keep on drinking after all the mess and drama from the day before. I encourage them to say 'yes please'! That is when I bring out Tequila and we commence with what I call 'hair of the dog' drunken' yoga. At this point, when my friend Beany runs the class, I go and raid the drinks and medical cupboard. Expat: This all seems bizarre and utterly pointless. What is the point of it? Brandi: It is essential really and about the journey of life. I like to question participants, what is the difference between being sober or drunk really? What is addiction? Everyone is addicted to something surely? Just some have better taste! After a group hypnosis session, it is always fruitful to ask for donations and have another shot. Why? What else should we be doing? Playing kumbaya? And where would the fun in that be? If anything is amiss, I can always pull out my diagnosis book, because there's always a pill for you! Anyway, enough chatter. Go on, have another drink! Just a little one. That's right.
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