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Chapter 6 Stay Connected Connect with yourself. Identify your brain state and accept how you feel.
Connect with others. Make 3+ community connections; use these techniques if you like.
Move forward in life. Become more aware of spirituality as you define it.
Let’s do it. Get it done!
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Goal 1. Connect with Yourself Stay Connected Let’s prevent survival circuits from forming! In the last two chapters of this course, we’ll focus on the EBT 5-point system of self-regulation.
Identify your brain state. Accept your brain state.
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Check in with yourself.
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The Check In Tool
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Using this system gives us the skills to process daily stress effectively so that it is a positive, not a negative, force in our lives. With these tools we can decrease the cascade of stress hormones that cause 80% of health problems.
Let’s use the tools to turn off the faucet that spews stress overload.
Check In Facts There are five brain states There are five techniques needed to process stressful emotions in a highly effective way, one for each of the five brain states.
Awareness of state is powerful Using our thinking brain to tune into our emotional brain and identify our brain state is often enough to stop stress overload.
Accept state or spiral up? Once we know our brain state, our thinking brain can determine what to do next. It can accept the state warmly, which can decrease stress, or use the state-specific tool to spiral up.
Connect with Yourself: Stay Connected
Focus on your body and your breathing. Turning your attention to your body starts the process. Take one or more deep breaths to connect the thinking and emotional brain.
Ask yourself “How do I feel?� Be aware of the feelings and sensations in your body. Identify your level of stress on a 5-point scale based on the level of stress you experience.
For now, just accept your state. Accept how you feel. Accepting how you feel is very powerful. This creates connection and stops us from experiencing secondary stress where we are stressed about being stressed!
Acceptance has deeper meanings When we accept our state, we accept ourselves. The harm of self-judgment stops! Our secure, kind relationship with ourselves becomes stronger. When we accept our own brain state, we can accept the brain state of others and experience toward them the same kindness we experience toward our selves. We begin to more easily give others the love we give ourselves.
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Tips for the Check In Tool
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What’s easy? When we initially introduced the check in tool, many people used it three to five times a day. That seemed like a lot. It was too much work to check in more frequently! One day, an EBT trainer mentioned in a provider meeting that she thought check ins were easy. People could make a lot of them. What was hard was not being checked in! Since then, we’ve encouraged people to make a lot of check ins. Keep it simple by just taking a few deep breaths and focusing on your body. If your set point is low (in the 4 to 5 range), your reptilian brain will hate that. If your set point is higher, in the 2 to 3 range, it will be easier. Regardless, the more you check in, the sooner the brain’s habit center starts checking in automatically. Then it’s really easy. In fact, it’s hard to check out! Find ways that work for you to check in a little bit more often that you want to, but not so many times that your reptilian brain gets snappish and shuts down.
Connect with Yourself: Stay Connected
A Check In Focus on body and breathing Ask yourself, “How do I feel?” Identify how you feel on a 5-point scale
Feeling great = 1 Feeling good = 2 A little stressed = 3 Definitely stressed = 4 Stressed out = 5 Accept how you feel: “For who I am right now in this situation, that makes sense. I can accept that!”
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All States Are Great States! Feeling Great: Brain State 1 Wow, I feel present, emotionally connected to myself, and I can connect with others so easily. Amazing! I feel love, gratitude, compassion, hope, forgiveness, awe, and joy!
Feeling Good: Brain State 2 Wow, I feel present, and aware of my balanced, accurate feelings. When I check how I feel, they point me to what I need. Amazing!
A Little Stressed: Brain State 3 Wow, I’m a little rocky here, aware that I’m at the tipping point of activating a disconnect circuit. Great information to have on hand.
Definitely Stressed: Brain State 4 Wow, this is a moment of opportunity to rewire. My brain is calling to me that it will unlock an old faulty circuit and rewire it into a new effective circuit. Perfect!
Stressed Out: Brain State 5 Wow, the realities of life are calling to me. This is when I awaken to the essential pains of life: I am alone, I am not perfect, I am not in complete control, it takes work, I must receive, and I must give. I’m learning!
Connect with Yourself: Stay Connected
The power of acceptance Acceptance has a very powerful impact on stress. When we accept how we feel, we are not only accepting our brain state, but we are accepting ourselves. By accepting our brain state, we keep ourselves from the secondary stress of being stressed about being stressed. Disconnect circuits cause us to lose connection with ourselves. To accept our state we must first reconnect with ourselves and determine that it really is reasonable for us to feel the way we do. Acceptance calms us down and helps us face the essential pains of life: I am alone. I am not perfect. I am not in complete control. It takes work. Some people may reject me. I must receive and I must give. When we are present in the moment and aware of life’s essential pains, the earned rewards of life become apparent to us. We feel a surge of pleasure in our bodies and reclaim our passion and purpose in life. The EBT self-regulation tools are so powerful that they need to be throttled back a bit. Once you have a full set of the five tools, you have exceptional control of your brain state. Sometimes you may want or even need to be disconnected. That is your right! By keeping open the option to accept our state, we have more power to ease stress!
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Check In Tips Check in throughout the day Keep this very simple. Just focus on your breathing for a moment or two. Notice that just that focus—in combination with taking a few deep breaths—has a connecting effect.
Do 5 to 10 check ins daily The more check ins you do, the sooner the brain’s habit center becomes wired to stay emotionally checked in. Right now you are retraining the brain to stay checked in by consciously using the tool. In time, it will be your natural state.
Stress impacts check ins The more stressed you are, the more the thinking brain finds it challenging to connect with the emotional brain. Feel compassion for yourself. Like all of us, you will be least apt to check in when you most need to check in!
Use technology support Download the EBT app and use the check in function on your EBT home page. Let technology lend a hand!
Connect with Yourself: Stay Connected
That 5ish email? I didn’t send it! KELSEY: I was at Brain State 5 and about to send an email to my co-worker who had just done a horrible job on our project. Fortunately, I took a moment to check in. When I realized that I was at Brain State 5, I saved the message instead of sending it. Brilliant!
I stop the flooding RICHARD: I check in about 10 to 20 times a day. It’s not hard to take a few deep breaths, and I can feel the stress hormones stop flooding me. I turn off the spigot of bad stress and that makes everything in life better.
There are no bad brain states. What’s risky is not knowing our brain state!
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Goal 2. Connect with Others The EBT Sandwich As we turn our attention to the inner world of the other person, chances are that sooner or later we’ll feel strong emotions. That is perfect. Only in relationships do the most powerful circuits open up for rewiring. That’s why relationships give us lots of moments of opportunity to rewire!
Effective Limits Do not set limits with feelings. All feelings are good feelings. Set limits with behavior.
Set no limits with feelings We set no limits with emotions in EBT because each brain state has advantages. Being in all five states is part of living an amazing life.
Connect with Others: The EBT Sandwich
In the lower brain states, feelings are extreme, either way ramped up and distorted or shut down completely. When they are ramped up and distorted, it can be a bit frightening. We can easily start judging ourselves for feeling hostile, depressed, panicked, or ashamed. That’s not productive. Step past the judgments, identify your brain state, and use the tools to spiral up.
Accepting all emotions? TATIANA: This morning I was so 4-ish that I was filled with hostility and really grouchy. I said to myself, “Oh, that’s just my reptilian brain ramped up. It’s not me, it’s just a wire.” I have adopted a policy of radical acceptance of my feelings. I used the cycle tool and spiraled up to feeling good again.
Set limits with behavior Instead of setting limits with our emotions, we set limits with behavior. That takes communicating with others in an emotionally connected way. We use the EBT sandwich technique to set effective limits and make requests of others. This technique allows us to make a statement of honest empathy, deliver our message in an emotionally-connective way, and close with another statement of empathy.
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The EBT Sandwich Honest Empathy Clear Message:
I feel… I need… Would you please…
Honest Empathy
Honest empathy Put yourself in their shoes, feel empathy for them, and say one statement to express it.
Clear message State how you feel, what you need, and the support you would like. Be brief.
Honest empathy Again, put yourself in their shoes, feel empathy for them, and say one statement to express it.
Connect with Others: The EBT Sandwich
Sample EBT Sandwiches Making effective requests: I understand that you may be stressed too. I feel really stressed out right now. I really need you to do a cycle. Would you please let me know if that would work for you? I appreciate that it may not work for you.
Setting effective limits: I appreciate that you want to help me. I feel sad that you are giving me advice. I need you to listen only. How would that be for you? I understand that this is not easy.
Assertive, not passive or aggressive When a disconnect circuit fires, all humans get such a stress hormone rush that we simply cannot stay connected to ourselves or others. Despite our best intentions, we become passive or aggressive. The solution? Check in and become aware of your brain state, then spiral up. When we are in a higher brain state, activating a connect circuit, we can easily be our most loving, powerful, and assertive selves. The EBT sandwich works well when we’re in that state of connection.
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Community Connection Monica and Carl Connect MONICA: Carl, is this a good time? CARL: Yes, perfect. I just got back from the gym. I’m feeling great. I am open for a connection.
Plan MONICA: Great. I would really like to do a cycle. CARL: Great. Go for it!!
Use the Tools MONICA: The situation is that my boss just asked me to work this weekend. What I’m most stressed about is… that I am sick of working… CARL: I know how that feels. I am sick of working, too. I can’t stand it when a boss crosses those boundaries. MONICA: I appreciate how you feel, but I am worried because I need to be listened to. Would you please go back to being a loving presence for me? I know it’s hard.
Connect with Others: The EBT Sandwich
CARL: I’m sorry. I forgot. Yes, I’ll go back to listening. Thanks for giving me a heads up about that. MONICA: Actually, setting that limit made me spiral up. I am going to do emotional housekeeping instead. I feel angry that I have a demanding boss. I hate it that she is always asking me to work so much. I feel sad that I don’t tell her no. I feel afraid that if I tell her no, my job will be in jeopardy. I feel guilty that I don’t say no to her. Wait a minute—all those feelings were on the same topic. I must be at Brain State 4. I’m going to go back to doing a cycle. Let’s see, I feel guilty that I don’t say no to her. What is my unreasonable expectation? My feelings do not matter. I don’t matter. That’s it. I don’t matter… that rings true. I’m going to do a spiral up grind in, a quick one. I do matter. I do matter. My feelings matter. My feelings really do matter. My feelings count. I count. I do matter. That feels right. I’m going to stick with I do matter. I do matter. I do matter. I do matter. Yes, I DO MATTER! I DO MATTER, I really do matter, YES! Okay, I’m feeling great. I’m at Brain State 1. CARL: When you did your work, the feelings and sensations in my body were… charged up. I felt tension in my chest. I was ready to defend you from
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that boss. The way your work was a gift to me was that I realize that I have a strong merge circuit to rescue others. Staying on my own side of the fence and being a loving presence for you helped me with that. Thanks! MONICA: I’m feeling much better. Just honoring that I matter to myself makes me feel less stressed about working. I can work a little bit this weekend, but not the whole weekend. That will work for me.
Close CARL: I appreciate you may be working this weekend and not available for a connection. I am worried about my in-laws coming to stay with us this weekend. I need to make connections. Would you please let me know if you would be available at all? I understand you may be busy. MONICA: Sunday morning would be good for me— about 10 a.m. CARL: Great. I’ll call you then. Thanks. Bye. MONICA: Bye.
Connect with Others: The EBT Sandwich
Great Connection!
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Time (5 min—10 max). Guidelines honored. OGRESS Brain changed. PR
Progress! Used the EBT sandwich to stay within
community guidelines.
Used the EBT sandwich to make an
effective request to schedule another connection.
Stayed flexible with the tools, using just
the tool that she needed.
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Goal 3. Move Forward in Life The Reward of Spirituality As we connect with ourselves and others more deeply, we experience Brain State 1 more often and for longer periods. In that state we can feel elevated emotions that we cannot feel in any of the other brain states: love, gratitude, compassion, hope, forgiveness, awe, and joy.
Desire: the sixth stage This sixth stage of our emotional evolution is powerful because with the brain experiencing more moments at 1, we have a greater awareness of the grace, beauty, and mystery of life. We naturally are drawn to and want more of an awareness of the deeper meanings of our lives and life itself. We feel a desire for something that is more, which we refer to as spirituality, however you define it.
Move Forward in Life: The Reward of Spirituality
The skill of receiving MELISSA: I do not know how to receive. I am a giver. I give and give and give. That’s what I do. As well, I have been giving back to myself with overeating and a definite food addiction, so I think this would be of interest to me.
In EBT, this stage involves a deepening of connection in preparation for the last stage in which we give back and experience a life of service to something beyond ourselves. The circuit we encode in this stage is
I AM WORTHY. From the perspective of evolutionary biology, our genes favor functionality. If we were not functional enough to feed our young, take care of our elderly, care about people in the next village, and think about the future of our tribe, we would never have survived! This circuit honors that at some point we evolve emotionally so that we have a desire to give back, to be of service, and to give more to the greater good. If we experience that awareness of our inherent strength, goodness, and wisdom, and have done the hard work of developing our access to it, then something changes within us. We are aware of the need to receive, to look around us, and appreciate the grace, beauty, and mystery of
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life—and really take it in. We can trust more, detach from that sense of scarcity and anticipation of failure, and instead open our hearts to a deeper sense of trust and belonging. If this circuit has not yet been encoded, then various other unreasonable expectations are apt to surface as we use the cycle tool.
The 6th Circuit: Desire Common Unreasonable Expectations
I am not worthy. I cannot trust.
I do not belong. I am left out.
The power of nature ERIC: I stay away from religion because my parents were part of an organization that actually harmed our family, even though that was not their intention. My spirituality is in nature. That’s where I feel closest to the life force within me. That’s where I get to Brain State 1 easily.
Move Forward in Life: The Reward of Spirituality
The spirituality grind in Repeating this grind in, facing the essential pain that we must receive, and opening ourselves to trusting life or the spiritual in a deep way calms the emotional brain and sets us up to give back, to be of purpose, and to have more joy in our lives.
Questions about spirituality Does this mean EBT includes religion? No. EBT is a brain-based method and is designed to be of service to you so that you can get your set point up and experience the elevated emotions. These emotions bring chemical surges that are best for health, happiness, productivity, and relationships. Why is receiving an essential pain of life? It is far easier to give than to receive. When we give we are in the power position. To receive we must trust. This helps us rewire the circuits of early hurts so that we can more easily forgive and move forward in our lives!
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New core expectation: I AM worthy. Essential pain: I must receive. Earned reward: Spirituality (I can trust).
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The Spirituality Grind In
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I want to skip this part. Is EBT still for me? Yes. You can complete this course to promote your emotional evolution and cross out or skip any part of it that does not feel responsive to your needs. Your emotional brain only does the work that is interesting and meaningful to it.
Onward to the last chapter! Fantastic work!
NEXT STEP: Chapter 7 In the last chapter, we’ll complete the basic tools, so that you can bounce back from moments of stress more quickly and easily.