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Chapter 4 Lock in a New Circuit Connect with yourself. Use the cycle tool daily. Spiral up!
Connect with others. Make 3+ community connections; use the cycle tool. Spiral up!
Move forward in life. Become more aware of integrity: doing the right thing.
Let’s do it. Get it done!
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Goal 1. Connect with Yourself Cycle Tool You’ve done a quick and easy grind in. Now we are going to make that grind in much more powerful by using a spiral up grind in. By doing so, we create the cycle tool, the powerhouse of the method.
Spiral Up Grind In 1. SLOW:
Weakens the old circuit 2. RAMP UP: Crushes the old circuit 3. JOY: Creates a new circuit!
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Step 3. How to Rewire a Circuit Lock in the connect circuit It takes three steps, using a more sophisticated grind in, to lock in the circuit more strongly. By finishing off the grind in with strong positive (a to dopamine spurt) we strongly lock Stepemotions 3. How Rewire a Circuit in that new circuit. Lock in the connect circuit
Switch Circuit I get my safety from sugar.
Brain State 1: Feel Great
Lock in the New Circuit I get my safety from connecting to ME!
Connect with Yourself: Cycle Tool
Let’s experiment with locking in the circuit with one survival circuit.
Choose a survival circuit The first step is to choose a circuit. Which one is best? The one you most want to rewire. Your fire-in-the belly drive to rewire it promotes success! If you do not have a strong desire to rewire a survival circuit, then honor that! Use the quick & easy cycle tool this week and “pass” on rewiring one of these circuits. You can focus on this later in the advanced courses.
Let’s Erase an Escape! The type of survival circuit I’ll start rewiring in this chapter:
Behavioral Emotional Relationship
NONE! I will stick with the quick & easy cycle.
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Smart Choice
Be gentle with your brain. Only rewire a survival circuit if it seems fun to do. Otherwise, put it on the shelf for now!
Emotional survival circuit: depression DARCY: I get so stuck in self-pity. That’s an emotional survival circuit. It turns people off and revolts me as well. I crave other people’s love, and I learned early in life that if people feel sorry enough for me, they’ll love me. That was definitely a brain glitch!
Behavior survival circuit: late-night television JAMES: My job is so confining. I have to work with people I don’t like under ridiculous amounts of pressure. The long-lost teenager comes out in me at night; I stay up late watching television and am sleep-deprived the next morning. That’s the wire I have a fire-in-the-belly drive to fry!
Connect with Yourself: Cycle Tool
Relationship survival circuit: people-pleasing HEATHER: I merge with people and am so amazingly effective in reading their minds. I know how to please them, but I lose sight of pleasing myself and being authentic. That’s starting to change!
Choosing Your Survival Circuit to Rewire I get my X (e.g., safety) from Y (e.g., sugar).
First, identify your X, the need you have that you can only get in a state of connection, the one you are trying to meet with this survival circuit. It doesn’t seem logical that we have an unconscious message that drives us to get our safety, love, protection, or comfort from eating sugar, drinking wine, overexercising, going numb, rescuing others, and more. None of this is logical! The emotional brain creates a brain glitch during a time of stress. It encodes that wire that give us a completely ridiculous message. However, that message is stored at the bottom of the brain where we keep our most important messages—our survival memories. So the message is unconscious and the brain holds onto it as if our life depended upon it!
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Our challenge is to make this unconscious emotional memory—this brain glitch—conscious, so that we can begin to rewire it. This is not logical. It is emotional! Yet it is very, very real, because we obey that wire until we dismantle it, which we are now begining to do. That’s how we get our freedom back from these disconnect wires!
WR I TE
What Is My X? Safety*
Protection
Love
Comfort
Existence
Other ___________
*If you are not sure which word to use to describe that survival drive, consider using the word “safety,” as that word comes up for the majority of circuits.
Next, identify your Y, what the glitch in your brain tells you will give you safety, comfort, protection, etc.
Connect with Yourself: Cycle Tool
What Is My Y? My Behavioral Survival Circuits I get my X from: Overeating
Neatness
Drinking
Overexercising
Smoking
Oversleeping
Spending
Using drugs
Clutter
Playing video games
Hoarding
Technology
Nail biting
Other _________
Hair pulling
None
When you rewire it, the cravings fade.
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What Is My Y? My Emotional Survival Circuits I get my X from: Hostility
Shame
Depression
Numbness (no feelings)
Self-pity
Thinking too much
Anxiety
False highs
Panic
Other___________
None
When you rewire it, emotions flow instead of getting stuck.
Connect with Yourself: Cycle Tool
What Is My Y? My Relational Survival Circuits I get my X from: Merging Survival Circuits People-pleasing Rescuing Fixing others Other _______________________________ Distancing Survival Circuits Isolating Judging Persecuting Other_______________________________
When you rewire it, intimacy increases.
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Create a New Circuit to Replace It I get my X (e.g., safety) from Z (e.g., inside me).
Last, identify where you will get your safety from if you are not getting it from an unbalanced behavior, emotion, or relationship.
WR I TE
What is my Z? I get my safety from: Inside me The safe place within Connecting to myself My sanctuary Love The spiritual (as I define it) Feeling my feelings Other _____________________________
Connect with Yourself: Cycle Tool
Spiral Up Grind In Stage 1. SLOW Negate the circuit Three or more repetitions. Use a very quiet voice. Express no emotion. Pause after each word.
Rationale for technique: SLOW The circuit is deep in the brain. Slow statements decrease the stress of “going against” the offending circuit. They help us stay connected to ourselves. This emotional connection to ourselves is what changes the circuit.
Rationale for statement: “I cannot get my X from Y” This is the opposite of the unreasonable expectation, so it weakens it. IMPORTANT: The meaning of this statement is that even if you used this “Y” constantly, it could not and would never give you the safety that you truly need.
SLOW
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Spiral Up Grind In Stage 2. RAMP UP Negate the circuit (state the opposite). Three or more repetitions. Use slightly louder voice. Gradually become enthusiastic. Use humor. This expectation is ridiculous!
Rationale for technique: RAMP UP The circuit has now moved up a bit in the brain. It is less likely to make the brain shut down if we add emotion and pick up the pace of the statements. At this point, the expectation is beginning to sound ridiculous!
Rationale for statement: “I cannot get my X from Y” Repeating the statement you used in the first stage is needed to further weaken the old survival circuit. This expectation is completely ridiculous. Use words to express how absurd it is. Even laugh at that circuit. That helps crush it!
RA M P UP
Connect with Yourself: Cycle Tool
Spiral Up Grind In Stage 3. JOY State the reasonable expectation Three or more repetitions. Use louder, stronger voice. Express very positive emotions. Rock, dance, sing, or jump!
Rationale for technique: JOY The circuit has now moved up even more in the brain—to the top drawer! It is less likely to make the brain shut down if you add emotion and intensity. Intentionally expressing the words with joy now locks in the new circuit.
Rationale for statement: I get my X from Z The brain won’t give up our Y until it has something more rewarding to replace it. Switch to stating “I get my X from Z.” If that doesn’t ring true, return to “I cannot get my X from Y,” and say it with positive emotion and joy.
JOY
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Emotional survival circuit: depression DARCY: I . . . cannot . . .get . . .my . . . love . . .from . . . depression. (Repeat 3 times.) I cannot get my love from being depressed. That’s ridiculous! (Say various versions 3+ times). I get my love from inside me (repeat 3+ times).
Behavioral survival circuit: alcohol JAMES: I . . . canNOT. . . get . . . my . . . safety . . . from . . . getting . . . drunk. (Repeat 3 times.) No, that doesn’t make me safe. I cannot get safety from being drunk. That’s ridiculous! (Repeat various versions 3+ times.) I get my safety from the safe place inside me. Yes, I do. I get my safety from the safe place inside me. (Repeat 3+ times.)
Relationship survival circuit: judging others HEATHER: I . . . cannot . . . get . . . the . . . love . . . I . . . need . . . from . . . judging . . . others. (Repeat 3 times.) My parents taught me that, but it makes no sense. I cannot get the love I really need from judging others! (Repeat various versions 3+ times.) I get my love from inside me. (Repeat 3+ times.)
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The spiral up grind in is enormously powerful. The key is to start slowly, then add some enthusiasm and humor, and finally express joy. Fry that circuit and move up that set point!
Spiral Up Grind In Stage 1. SLOW (three times) to negate the unreasonable expectation. I cannot get my X ___________________________________________ from Y_____________________________________________________. Stage 2. RAMP UP (three or more times) to negate the unreasonable expectation. I cannot get my X___________________________________________ from Y ____________________________________________________. Stage 3. JOY (three or more times) to state the reasonable expectation. I get my X__________________________________________________ from Z ____________________________________________________.
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Cycle Tool Step 1. Just the facts: The situation is…__________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ What I’m most stressed about is …___________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ Step 2. A+ anger (use until it turns to sadness): I feel angry that… I can’t stand it that… I hate it that… ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________
Connect with Yourself: Cycle Tool
Cycle Tool cont’d.
Step 3. Feel your feelings (stay on topic!): Three deep breaths I feel sad that… ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ I feel afraid that… ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ I feel guilty that… ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________
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Cycle Tool cont’d.
Step 4. Discover the unreasonable expectation: My unreasonable expectation is… I get my X from Y. I get my _____________________ from ___________________. Step 5. Spiral up grind in SLOW (I cannot get my X from Y) I cannot get my _____________________ from ___________________. RAMP UP (I cannot get my X from Y) I cannot get my _____________________ from ___________________. JOY (I get my X from Z) I get my _____________________ from _________________________.
Connect with Yourself: Cycle Tool
Relationship survival circuit: people-pleasing HEATHER: Okay, I’m going to check in, take a deep breath to connect with my body, and state the facts. The situation is that I am a people-pleaser, and… what I’m most stressed about is that I please others and disconnect from my own feelings and needs. I feel so angry that I people-please. I can’t stand it that I abandon myself. I HATE THAT!!!… I feel sad that… I please others, not myself… I feel afraid that I will keep on pleasing others and disconnecting from myself… I feel guilty that… I people-please. That’s a wire. Of course I people please because my unreasonable expectation is that I get my safety from peoplepleasing… Okay, now for the spiral up grind in. I… can… not… get… my… safety… from… people… pleasing. I… can… not. . . get… my… safety… from… people… pleasing… I… cannot get… my… safety… from people-pleasing. Okay, ramp up… I cannot get my safety from people-pleasing… I CANNOT get the safety I truly need from people-pleasing. That will never work. What a joke that is! I CANNOT GET my SAFETY— THE SAFETY I TRULY NEED… from people- pleasing… YES, now some joy… I get my safety from inside me. I get my safety from INSIDE ME! I get my SAFETY from INSIDE ME! That’s what I do (starting to sing and dance) I get MY SAFETY from INSIDE ME. YES!!!
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Every spiral up counts You’ve just learned how to rewire a survival circuit. Now the discovery begins. There are no wasted cycles. Every cycle and every spiral up grind in changes our brain and helps us learn, change, and grow.
All sizes and shapes Some circuits take more spiral ups than others. Some circuits of trauma require the use of advanced tools that are taught in the advanced kits. Some circuits are lone islands, easier to rewire in short order. Others are connected to other survival circuits, so as we weaken them, we become aware of another circuit! There is a lot to discover. It’s a journey!
Connect with Others: A Loving Presence
Goal 2. Connect with Others A Loving Presence As you do more connections, you might notice that you are spontaneously more loving. Just by using the tools to connect with others, your wires change, than radiate outward and change the wires of still others.
A Loving Presence Check in. What is my Z? Do not judge yourself.
Even when we set out to be a loving presence for others when they use the tools, it’s normal to not always feel like a loving presence. Sometimes other people trigger our old circuits. At other times, we think they are different from us. We are naturally less compatible with some people than others. We can learn more from these people than anyone else!
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Joyce taught me the most JACK: There is one person in my telegroup, Joyce, with whom I thought I had absolutely nothing in common. I reminded myself that I get my safety from being a kind person, so I started connecting with her. She had the same “I am bad� circuit that I had! I learned more about love and compassion from her than I did from the people in the group with whom I naturally felt more connected. Joyce became a special friend to me.
Checking your Z! MARCY: I have a regular connection buddy on Tuesdays at 5 p.m., and the first thing we do is check in with ourselves and take a few deep breaths. I take a moment to remind myself that I get my safety from connecting to the safe place inside me.
Connect with Others: A Loving Presence
Being a Loving Presence Check in Be aware of feelings and sensations.
What is my Z? Use your Z statement to connect with yourself.
No judgments! Merging and distancing are wires. Feel compassion for yourself.
Doing my part DIANE: I try to connect with someone almost every day. It keeps me on track with my own EBT practice, and it’s a way I give back to the world. In five minutes I do something important for myself and for another person.
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CLOSER LOOK
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Community Connection Steve and Kathy Connect KATHY: Steve, is this a good time? STEVE: It’s a perfect time. I am on my way home from work.
Plan KATHY: I need to check in for a moment and take a deep breath. I was just talking with my ex-husband, and I’m running at Brain State 4. STEVE: I’m just cruising along driving. I can’t do work, but I can be a loving presence. I can listen. KATHY: I’d like to do a cycle… I need to do a cycle!
Use the Tools KATHY: The situation is that I just talked to my exhusband, Paul, and what I’m most stressed about is that we share custody of our four-year-old son Nathan. He lets Nathan stay up too late, then drops
Connect with Others: A Loving Presence
him off at my house the next morning. Nathan is wiped out and throws a tantrum, and as always, I am left holding the bag. He is irresponsible, and I come off as the demanding, controlling ex-wife. STEVE: (Coughs a couple of times and then remembers that he gets his safety from connecting to himself and being a loving presence for Kathy, not giving unasked-for advice.) KATHY: I feel angry that he neglects Nathan. I am angry that he is such a bad father. I hate it that I have to be the only adult in Nathan’s life. I HATE it that Paul is such a selfish %$#! I hate it that I ever married him. I can’t stand it that I have to deal with him. I HATE it that he neglects Nathan. (Deep breath, and slows it down)… I feel sad that… he neglects our son. . . I feel sad that… he doesn’t do it my way… I feel afraid that… he will never do it my way. I feel guilty that… I want him to do it my way. (Kathy starts laughing…) STEVE: Starts laughing, spiraling up slightly. KATHY: Of course I would want him to do it my way because my unreasonable expectation is that I get my safety from being right and judging him. That’s a good one! I get my safety from judging him.
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Yes, that rings true. I’m going to do a spiral up grind in. I… cannot… get… my… safety… . from judging… Paul. I… can… NOT… get… my… safety… from… judging… Paul… I can… not get my safety from… judging… Paul. I cannot get my safety from judging him. No I can’t! I cannot get my safety from judging Paul. I hate that! I wish I could! I get my safety from loving myself, loving my son, and loving his dad. Oh, that’s hard. I get my safety from loving, not judging. I get my safety from loving, not judging. YES! I DO get my SAFETY from LOVING, not judging. WOW, that’s starting to feel good. I GET my SAFETY from loving, not judging. I GET my SAFETY from loving, not JUDGING. Steve, now I’m standing up and dancing. YES, I get my safety from loving, not judging. YES! YES! YES! STEVE: Amazing! When you did your work, the feelings and sensations in my body were… at first fear, as I am definitely guilty of keeping up my kids too late. Then as you spiraled up, so did I. Now I’m smiling and feeling great. The way your work was a gift to me was that I like having things my own way. I like fixing people’s problems and trying to make them the way I think they should be. The gift was that your work rewired my brain too. I can feel the shift inside. Thanks!
Connect with Others: A Loving Presence
Close KATHY: Great connection. Bye! STEVE: Thanks! Bye.
Great Connection!
!
Time (5 min—10 max). Guidelines honored. OGRESS Brain changed. PR
Progress! Emotional honesty about needs. Used the “tool of the week” cycle tool. Opened up about real problems. Did not share more information than felt
safe to share.
Kept the connection brief and therefore
Brain changed. sustainable.
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Goal 3. Move Forward in Life The Reward of Integrity Integrity is the fourth reward of emotional evolution. It’s that gut feeling we get when we’ve done something hard for the greater good. This fourth reward is the last of those that form the foundation for intimacy with ourselves, the foundation for intimacy with others, and a connection to the deeper meanings of life.
Purpose: the fourth stage This fourth stage of our emotional evolution is the purpose circuit. It’s usually encoded around the age of five to eight years, and tells us the following:
I CAN DO GOOD. To experience ourselves as doing good, we need a lot of nurturing and limits, so that we are not indulged or deprived. We need to be supported in doing good things even though it is hard, then pausing and reflecting on how great it feels. If that circuit is not wired in early on, often other circuits find their way into our brain. They may show up when you use the cycle tool—perfect for rewiring.
Move Forward in Life: The Reward of Integrity
The 4th Circuit: Purpose Common Unreasonable Expectations I cannot do good. I cannot work hard. I am incompetent. Life should be easy.
The integrity grind in Repeating this grind in can begin to rewire our purpose circuit.
Questions about integrity How do you know you are in integrity? It’s a body sensation: it’s that gut feeling when we are about to do something whether or not it feels right to us. Survival circuits get in the way of our ability to feel this; as those circuits are rewired
LS
New core expectation: I CAN do good. Essential pain: It takes work. Earned reward: Integrity (work pays off).
O
The Integrity Grind In
TO
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and the set point moves up, it is far easier to feel integrity. I have a lot of shame. Whatever I do is not enough. That could be your power circuit getting in your way. As you rewire that power circuit so that you know for sure that you are not bad (and rewire any associated shame circuits), then you will begin to celebrate what you do and reap the reward of appreciating that you did the right thing. What is integrity? Based on neuroscience, integrity is the reward we feel when the brain is in connection and we do something challenging, not because we want to but because it is the right thing to do. It is not for ego, but for the greater good, and the brain responds
with a surge of feel-good chemicals.
Tool of the Week: Cycle Tool
Tool of the Week: Cycle Tool 1. Just the facts
The situation is . . . What I am most stressed about is . . .
2. A+ Anger
I feel angry that . . . I feel I can’t stand it that . . . I hate it that . . .
3. Feel the Feelings
I feel sad that . . . (pause and feel it!) I feel afraid that . . . (pause and feel it!) I feel guilty that . . . (pause and feel it!)
4. Discover the Expectation Of course I would do that, because my unreasonable expectation is . . .
5. Spiral Up Grind In
SLOW (negate the unreasonable expectation) RAMP UP (negate the unreasonable expectation) JOY (state the reasonable expectation)
How often to use it:
1 time daily solo and 1 time daily in a community connection.
Support of the week
If you want support, ask your connection buddy to read the above lead ins.
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Wonderful work! You have completed Chapter 4 of EBT Basics!
NEXT STEP: Chapter 5 In the next chapter we’ll learn how to strengthen our core circuits so we are more powerfully connected to ourselves.