EBTconnect™ A SOLUTI O N FO R L I FE
EBT KIT
Basics Laurel Mellin, PhD
Author: Laurel Mellin, PhD Contributors: Walt Rose, Igor Mitrovic, Joe Mellin, John Rosenthal, Haley Mellin, Dede Taylor, Arinn Testa, Judy Zehr, Molly Reno, Bonnie Hoag, Cynthia Moore, Eve Lowry, Lynda Frassetto, Michele Blanchard Welling, Miles Watson, Jennifer Murphy, Lindsey Fish, Michael McClure, Dev Singh, Jena Walter, Rajiv Patel, and Dave Ingebritsen. EBT Basics Copyright 2015 Laurel Mellin, PhD All rights reserved. Printed in the United States. EBT Connect™ is a trademark of EBT, Inc. Graphic Design: Jamison Spittler Product Design: Joe Mellin Editor: Rachael Bailey Associate Editors: Michele Blanchard Welling and Stephen Brown Special Advisors: Walt Rose and Dede Taylor ISBN: 978-1-893265-34-9 Published by EBT, Inc. 101 Larkspur Landing, Suite 327 Larkspur, CA 94939 TEL: 800-441-2054 www.ebt.org This book is one component of a a course that includes access to videos, mobile app, website tools, and a support community. For more information about the course and method, visit ebtconnect.org. For information about professional training for Certified EBT Coaches, visit ebtconnect.org.
On the day you were born, you had all the inherent strength, goodness, and wisdom you would ever need. All you required were the tools to access it. ~ Laurel Mellin, PhD
Connect with yourself. Connect with others. Move forward in life.
Why EBT Connect™? The
most powerful step we can take is to improve our brain’s set point.
Moving
up our set point empowers us to emotionally connect with ourselves and others.
In
a state of connection, our health, happiness, relationships, and productivity improve.
We
experience an abundance of the earned rewards of an exceptional life.
Welcome to EBT Connect™!
Contents Part I. A Great Start The 3 Truths. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 The EBT Brain Map. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 It’s Just a Wire!. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39 What Do You Want Most?. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47
Part II. Progress Chapter 1: Create Positive Emotions. . . . . . . . . . . . . 55 Connect with Yourself: Flow Tool . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 57 Connect with Others: Community Connections. . . . . . 70 Move Forward in Life: The Reward of Sanctuary. . . . . . 82 Chapter 2: Unlock a Circuit . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 89 Connect with Yourself: Flow PLUS Tool. . . . . . . . . . . . . 91 Connect with Others: Connecting Messages . . . . . . . . 110 Move Forward in Life: The Reward of Authenticity. . . 119 Chapter 3: Switch the Circuit. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 125 Connect with Yourself: Quick & Easy Cycle Tool . . . . 127 Connect with Others: Quick Connections. . . . . . . . . . 142 Move Forward in Life: The Reward of Vibrancy. . . . . . 147
Chapter 4: Lock in a New Circuit. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 153 Connect with Yourself: Cycle Tool. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 155 Connect with Others: A Loving Presence. . . . . . . . . . . 175 Move Forward in Life: The Reward of Integrity . . . . . . 182 Chapter 5: Strengthen the Core . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 187 Connect with Yourself: Strengthen the Core. . . . . . . . .189 Connect with Others: The Connect Tool. . . . . . . . . . . .211 Move Forward in Life: The Reward of Intimacy. . . . . . 219 Chapter 6: Stay Connected. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 227 Connect with Yourself: Check In Tool. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 229 Connect with Others: The EBT Sandwich. . . . . . . . . . . 239 Move Forward in Life: The Reward of Spirituality. . . . 247 Chapter 7: Spiral Up! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 253 Connect with Yourself: EBT 5-Point System. . . . . . . . . 255 Connect with Others: Expressing Gratitude. . . . . . . . . 264 Move Forward in Life: The Reward of Freedom. . . . . . 270
Part III. Next Step The EBT Connect Community. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 288
Part I
A Great Start
The 3 Truths
The 3 Truths What’s wrong with me? My back hurts, I’m stalled at work and I’m hungry all the time. Help! I can’t stand it that I promise myself I will change, and I don’t. I keep doing the same thing, even though I know I shouldn’t. Why?
Each of us has a brain set point. That set point controls how we respond to life. The purpose of EBT is to use neurosciencebased techniques to change our set point. As we move up our set point, we powerfully address the root cause of problems with health, happiness, relationships, and productivity. Plus, life is better! Our brain becomes resilient, and we naturally access an abundance of the earned rewards of an exceptional life.
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2 A Great Start
Set Point The habit of the brain to be in one of five levels of stress.
Going to the root cause The purpose of EBT is to move up our set point—so that it is high. That keeps the reptilian brain—which promotes extremes—from ruling us. As our set point moves up, every aspect of life improves. One positive change leads to another. It’s so simple. I used to overeat, drink too much, judge people, and feel either numb (no feelings) or depressed. As my set point moved up, life become easier and all these things that had troubled me faded. I got to the root cause and that made all the difference.
In this course, you will learn the basic tools to move up your set point. All the tools are based on neuroscience and are extremely powerful. You’ll learn how to use the tools with others, because the reptilian brain calms down when we are with others and that makes change easier.
The 3 Truths
Getting the best results EBT has been constructed to closely mirror what the brain needs to improve the set point, from the brain-based tools, to the private, confidential phone line, to the easy access videos and books, thanks to modern technology. To get great results, set aside about 20 minutes each day for EBT. Take about 10 minutes to read or watch videos to learn the tools. Take another 5 to 10 minutes to make a community connection (practice the tools with another member by phone) and use the tools here and there throughout your day on your own.
The “tool of the week” There are seven chapters in this book, one for each of the seven tools of EBT. You’ll start out using the “flow tool” that turns negative emotions into positive ones. Then each week you’ll build on that tool to rewire your set point and not just feel good but transform your life. The first time I used the flow tool I was in disbelief. I had changed my mindset in about two minutes. The words that came out of my mouth were: What just happened? How did that simple tool do that?
Community connections: a great way to live Most of us try to cope by changing our thoughts or our behavior. However, both thoughts and behavior are controlled by the reptilian brain. When it is stressed, we revert to old patterns. Strong primitive drives make us do that, even when we know we shouldn’t.
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The reptilian brain doesn’t like to change, but we need to change it to move up our set point. So, in EBT we outsmart the reptilian brain by making it an offer it can’t refuse: the experience of being with another person and tools that calm it down. It’s a winning combination. These calming moments with another person are called community connections. They take only 5 (not more than 10) minutes by phone. In those few moments, the tools can calm the reptile within and improve our set point. Research has shown that these connections make all the difference in getting great results with EBT.
If it’s not fun, it’s not EBT You might think that for a method to be powerful it has to be serious. Actually, the reptilian brain needs to have a good time. That’s why we say, “If it’s not fun, it’s not EBT.” In community connections and telegroups, people laugh a lot. It’s fun to “zap” a circuit that is in the reptilian brain, often one that has been bothering us for decades. It’s fun to be with someone who is zapping a circuit. The pleasure and power of it are catching!
The 3 Truths
If it’s not fun, it’s not EBT MEREDITH: My set point had declined from all my years of work as a psychotherapist. Turning around my set point is what brought me to EBT, but what keeps me here is how much fun I’m having. I love my group. We are all zapping those circuits. I feel like a warrior going into battle: zap, zap, zap! JOY: My reptilian brain is having a fit because I am moving up my set point. Last night, I forgot to make my community connection with Drake. An hour later, I remembered and called him. My mind had shut off because my reptilian brain was feeling threatened. My job is to outsmart my reptilian brain. WES: I have a fire-in-the-belly drive to move up my set point, and EBT is making me a happier guy. I used to be in a perpetual bad mood because I have two teenagers who are rebellious. They were driving me crazy. Now, I am happier. Adolescence? This too will pass!
Honor your feelings and needs As you move through this book and use the method, you’ll find that it is not perfect. Your brain will like some words or tools and not others.
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Your role is to personalize EBT. If there is something in this course that you do not like, cross it out. If the name of a tool doesn’t work for you, change it. In essence, this is your program, and your job is to take charge so that you can have the best experience possible. We are very grateful that you are part of the EBT community! To understand more about how to improve your set point, let’s focus on the three truths of the emotional brain.
The 3 Truths Emotional wiring controls us. Wires cause us to connect or
disconnect.
We can rewire our brain for
connection.
The 3 Truths
7
Truth #1. Emotional Wiring Controls Us. The set point of the brain is controlled by our emotional circuits. These circuits are strings of neurons that form wires.
Neuron A neuron is a nerve cell. The average human brain contains 100 billion neurons.
Wire A wire (also called a circuit) is a string of neurons that creates a pattern or memory. Every thought, emotion, or behavior is a wire.
The goal of our wiring is to help us survive, which means doing what we did before to survive; most of our responses to daily life are automatic replays of past responses.
FI N
ITIO
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DE
Once encoded, these circuits fire again without our conscious awareness. Most of what we feel, expect, and do is dictated by the circuits firing in our emotional brain.
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The wires telling us how to respond to life (also called selfregulation) are stored in our unconscious mind, also called our emotional brain. Our emotional brain contains the mammalian brain, which is the center of emotions and connection, as well as the reptilian brain, which controls our most primitive survival responses and is the most extreme area of the brain.
The Brain: TheEmotional Three Brains Mammalian Brain + Reptilian Brain
Neocortex “Thinking Brain�
(Thinking, Planning, Deciding)
Reptilian Brain (Survival Instincts)
Mammalian Brain
(Emotions, Connection, Rewards)
The 3 Truths
The top part of the brain is the thinking brain, the seat of planning, analyzing, and deciding. It houses our consciousness and is the overseer of the emotional brain. Like a good parent, its job is to stay connected to the emotional brain so that we are playing with a full deck! It reads the feelings and sensations from that brain and can learn how to override the extremes of the emotional brain.
Why do we do what we do? PETE: My co-worker criticizes me for not producing enough business, and then I can’t shake off his criticism. I feel like I’m failing, even though I am not. Why is that happening to me? DANIELLA: My sister is going through a divorce. I can’t get her out of my mind. I know I have a wire that makes me overreact to any stress, and I feel powerless and guilty that I can’t take away her pain. I’m not helping her. I’m only hurting myself! MICHELLE: I want to lose weight, but something inside me unleashes an unstoppable drive for sugar. Once I start eating, I can’t stop.
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We do it because of a wire! PETE: It’s a relief to know that I am sensitive to my co-worker because I have a wire that tells me I’m not enough. It’s just a wire, and I’m going to fry that circuit. DANIELLA: My need to rescue my sister is an early wire. We had a lot of stress at home, and I learned that I had to rescue other people. I was the oldest sister, and that was my job. Now I need to rewire! MICHELLE: I have a strong desire to overeat, mainly from times in my early life when there really wasn’t anyone there to comfort me. So I learned to get my comfort from food. Food is NOT a great companion. I’m ready to rewire!
In EBT, we train both brains. We train our thinking brain to target circuits in our emotional brain and either strengthen them or weaken and erase them.
The 3 Truths
Truth #2. Wires Cause Us to Connect or Disconnect. Our brain encodes two kinds of wires that determine how we respond to life and whether each experience moves up our set point or moves it down.
Connect circuits The first type of wire is a connect circuit. When it is activated, the thinking brain and the emotional brain do not split apart. We stay connected to ourselves, which is the basis for staying connected to others and moving up our set point. This circuit activates a stress response that is proportional to the actual threat posed, tells us what effective course of action to take, and we do it. When we activate a connect circuit, we move through the stressful situation effectively. Afterwards we feel a glow in our bodies. That’s the evolutionary-based reward for responding in a way that is associated with survival of the species and our own well-being. In small but important ways, each activation of a connect circuit moves up our set point.
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A Connect Circuit Surge of Joy!
1
Emotions
3
Stimulus 2
1
A stimulus enters the brain and tries to find a circuit that tells it how to respond the way it has in the past. It finds a connect circuit and emotionally reacts in a healthy way. 2
Expectations The circuit is triggered and strong unconscious reasonable expectations help us to respond effectively. 3
Response We do what the wire tells us to do and because this is a connect circuit, it's pretty reasonable and effective.
I feel great. That’s a connect circuit! TATIANA: Last night my landlord told me that my rent was going up. At first my heart raced and I got this sick feeling in my stomach, then I realized that I loved my apartment and it was still a good deal, so I was nice to her and treated her with kindness. I felt a warm, good feeling inside afterwards. I must have activated a connect circuit. It worked!
The 3 Truths
That afterglow made my day GEORGE: My ex-wife is asking me for more child support. She has a small business so she can say that she has no money because she is investing in the business. I’m on a salary, and my income is not within my control. When I got her letter, I fumed a bit and felt really angry, but decided that the best thing for our daughter, for my ex, and for me was not to create a war out of this. I could pay a little more. It was worth it. All night after that I knew I had taken the high road and I felt that afterglow of feeling good about myself.
Disconnect circuits The other type of wire is a disconnect circuit. When it is activated, the thinking brain and the emotional brain split apart. That split is the main source of our feelings of being unsafe and unrewarded. It is only when the brain is connected that we can feel surges of pleasure in our bodies and an awareness of the safe place inside: our sanctuary. This circuit activates a cascade of stress hormones, flooding our body and brain with chemicals that promote unhealthy extremes. We do just what that wire tells us to do, which is way out of line with the greater good and our own well-being. When we activate a disconnect circuit, we respond to the stressful situation ineffectively. Afterwards we feel bad or
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numb. That afterglow we get from the activation of a connect circuit is replaced by an “afterburn” that causes a gnawing, bad feeling in our gut. This afterburn is an evolutionary-based message that is meant to alert when whatever we just did was not associated with survival of the species. It is a biologically triggered “wake up call” that we need need to learn, change and grow. In time, we may become aware that our circumstance is not the problem. These circuits are the problem. They control us. They make us repeat the past whether we want to or not. Unless we rewire these circuits, the same problems keep showing up in our lives over and over again. It’s so frustrating! It would be great if these disconnect circuits would go away of their own accord. However, they are locked into the reptilian brain, fully prepared to remain there for the rest of our days. It would be great if we could learn how to relax or keep really busy to change those circuits. Neurobiology does not allow that. The only way these circuits change is by our emotionally processing them. That emotional processing unlocks these circuits from the reptilian brain and gives us the chance to learn, change and grow, re-encoding them as connect circuits that serve us well. These disconnect circuits collectively contribute to our having a low set point. A low set point causes the “stress buzzer” to get stuck on, which strengthens these disconnect circuits even more, and causes problems and extremes to appear in all domains of our lives.
The 3 Truths
A Disconnect Circuit 1
Emotions
Stimulus 1 2
A stimulus enters the brain and tries to find a circuit that tells it how to respond the way it has in the past. It finds a disconnect circuit and reacts in effective and extreme ways. 2
Expectations The circuit is triggered and strong unconscious unreasonable expectations cause us to respond ineffectively. 3
Response 3
Stress Spiral
We do what the wire tells us to do and because this is a disconnect circuit, it causes us to respond ineffectively.
I feel a little lost sometimes DOUG: When I get home from work I feel lost and like no matter what I do things don’t work out. I’m never enough. I drink a few beers, but that doesn’t make me happy. It just makes me drunk. Who needs that wire? I don’t.
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I made a few remarks MARCIE: I snapped at the sales clerk when she forgot my receipt. There was no need for that. I knew it was a disconnect wire because I had a bad feeling afterwards.
Moving up our set point The most powerful step we can take is to move up our set point! Half the challenge is to change our focus from fixing symptoms to addressing the root cause: the set point. The rest of the challenge is to roll up our sleeves and rewire our set point. That starts with using the EBT Brain Map to identify our set point and the circuits triggering it. In this course, you’ll learn one tool each week (“the tool of the week”) that, over time, you can use to move up your set point.
Grief, but no blame BRUCE: I know I got a lot of my wires from the times when my younger brother got all the attention. I feel like blaming my parents, or pretending it doesn’t hurt. I’m going to do neither. Instead, I’m going to process my feelings (all of them) and heal, forgive, and go forward.
The 3 Truths
I am learning to love my circuits ALICIA: I know that I didn’t get a lot of nurturing from others as a child, so I nurtured myself by eating sweets. In a way, I love that circuit because if I hadn’t encoded it I would have felt lost. No self-blame here.
They are just wires! 70% of these wires were encoded
before the age of three years.
80% of us have disconnect wires
from childhood or later trauma.
100% of us can easily acquire
these wires due to stress in modern life.
CLOSER LOOK
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Truth #3. We Can Rewire for Connection. The great news is that we can change our wiring. The emotional memories of disconnection are among the most highly plastic in the brain.
Effective rewiring tools In 2010, research conducted at New York University confirmed that these circuits can be rewired. The tools you will learn in this course mirror the science of how to require those circuits. Each tool that you learn will include “lead ins”, which are set phrases that enable you to rewire efficiently. It turns out that the brain is extremely precise in what it needs to rewire. If we use the precise words and processes that enable us to rewire, we can outsmart the reptilian brain and see remarkable results.
The power of lead-ins To be precise and effective, read about each tool in the chapters that follow. Get a clear picture in your mind of why the tool works, that is, what is happening in the brain when you use it. Also, commit to memory the precise words of the “lead-in” phrases of the tools. These brain-savvy words give you the power to find the “sweet spot” of change in the brain. In essence, using them makes you highly effective in EBT more quickly and easily.
Community connections Once you learn the lead ins, start using them to feel better. Use
The 3 Truths
them solo one or more times daily and once daily with an EBT partner (a community connection).
The EBT community Once you have the basic tools in place, you can move forward into the EBT community and use the tools – and the advanced courses – to move up your set point!
Getting to the root cause SADIE: I always felt as if I were missing something. How could other people have such willpower? I am 32 and considering having a baby, and I want to get at the root cause of these drives. I want a solution, both for my own life and to pass on great connect wires to my child.
We can change our wiring! Our emotional wires can change. We rewire our brains for connection. We move forward in life!
Next Step: The EBT Brain Map Let’s identify the circuits that you want to rewire in EBT.
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The EBT Brain Map Let’s map out the circuits we’ll rewire to move up our set point. EBT helped me to identify my wires. My goal is to move up my brain’s set point, and that takes rewiring several of them.
The EBT Brain Map Core Circuits - Basic Expectations Survival Circuits - Escapes and
Excesses
Set Point - Brain’s Stress Habit
The EBT Brain Map
Wires and Chemicals Are Related When we activate a disconnect circuit, it causes a fight or flight response. In an instant, a chemical cascade of stress hormones drenches the body and brain. On the other hand, when we activate a connect circuit, the stress response calms down and the relaxation response ramps up. In an instant, a chemical cascade of reward and relaxation hormones impacts the body and brain.
Chemically powerful! These circuits regulate the chemicals in our body. That is why we are going after them, strengthening the ones that promote health, happiness, productivity, and loving relationships, and weakening the ones that cause disease, unhappiness, stalled productivity, and relationship problems. We use the thinking brain (specifically, the prefrontal cortex) to oversee the amazing emotional brain, the storehouse of the memories in our unconscious mind.
Your own personal chemist That “reading” by the thinking brain enables us to activate a circuit that is blocking connection, then use the tools to process the wire and transform it into a wire that promotes what we most need: emotional connection. Think of yourself as your personal chemist! You are “sitting” in your thinking brain, overseeing the messages of emotions, sensations, and reward drives generated by the emotional brain and figuring out what to do.
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If you reach for the tools when those emotions, sensations and reward drives are activated, the chemical surges turn from damaging and detrimental to healing and beneficial.
The tools switch the chemicals You turn on the good chemicals and turn off the bad ones. What’s more, the connect circuits hold the wisdom of the eons, the experiences of one million years of shared history of humans as to what chemicals we need to be happy, healthy, passionate, and purposeful people. The chemical spewing of a connect circuit cannot be found in a pill. It’s complex and multi-layered, responsive to the complexity of our biology that supports survival of the species. Medications can be life-saving and so important to our health; however, EBT offers us another tool. We can retrain our brain to spew out more of the natural chemical surges that give us what we most need.
Getting to the root cause As we rewire more of these circuits, the set point or habit of our brain improves. When our set point is in stress, we have what can feel like a never-ending list of stress symptoms. By rewiring the set point, we create chemical effects of our own design that can prevent, improve, or resolve stress-related health problems. In other words, we become far more powerful in creating an internal chemical environment that supports our health and well-being.
The EBT Brain Map
Why not address the root cause? LESLIE: I have six symptoms of stress (depression, insomnia, weight gain, headaches, digestive troubles, and back pain). I figured out that my “I am bad” wire is stressing me out, and my “I get my safety from overworking” wire is making me exhausted. I got two prescriptions from my physician, but I’m also choosing the pathway of rewiring. Nothing else has really worked. I’m going to give this a try.
I am targeting my wires MIKE: I drink way too much, and I know that I have strong chemical drives for alcohol. It never occurred to me that those chemical drives were controlled by my wiring.
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Core circuits Our earliest experiences have a profound and lasting impact on our brain. The way people interact with us and the experiences and treatment we’ve undergone encode the realities of our lives into the brain. In the best of all worlds, the brain encodes these circuits: I do exist. I am not bad. I do have power. I can do good. I can love. I am worthy. I can have joy. With early stress or trauma, the brain encodes unreasonable expectations: I do not exist. I am bad. I do not have power. I cannot do good. I cannot love. I am not worthy. I cannot have joy. In EBT we transform these “brain glitches” of unreasonable expectations into reasonable expectations. That enables us to spontaneously bounce back from stress, giving us a secure base inside. That secure connection to ourselves is the foundation for our capacity to securely connect with others and move forward in life.
The EBT Brain Map
What happened to my power circuit? ERIC: I had a hard time identifying with my dad, because he worked 14 hours a day. They called him “Ram Jet” at work because he was so overbearing. My mom was missing her power circuit, and that wire was transmitted to me. I am completely committed to frying that wire!
I have an “I must be perfect” wire ROSALEE: My circuit is the opposite of “I am bad.” As the oldest in the family, I had a lot of responsibility to take care of the younger kids. I didn’t get much emotional connection with my mom or dad. I shut off my emotions, and I got my safety from being perfect and overthinking everything!
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Identify Your Core Circuits Check off the expectations that seem true to you when you are highly stressed. They are the core circuits of disconnection to rewire into circuits of connection through EBT.
Core Circuits I do not exist. I am bad. I do not have power. I cannot do good. I cannot love. I am not worthy. I cannot have joy.
Let’s strengthen the core!
EF
Survival circuits If by chance we did not encode a strong core of reasonable expectations, the brain easily defaults to stress overload when the inevitable stresses of life occur. Fortunately, there is a backup plan in the brain which encodes another kind of circuit, called a survival circuit. The brain takes the circuits associated with our survival drives (such as fighting, fleeing, and freezing) and links them to whatever we previously used in that moment of stress to soothe and comfort ourselves. We all have a few of these circuits. It’s important to know that they aren’t bad or wrong. They are just glitches in the brain, and the brain replays them over and over until we rewire them. These circuits cause most of our “stuck” states that block us from going forward in life, and they also weaken our core. In any given moment, we can’t trigger both a drive to escape by overeating and a drive to warmly and strongly connect with ourselves. We rewire these survival circuits into circuits that securely and powerfully connect us to ourselves.
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The EBT Brain Map
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Spending and hoarding JAKE: I have a garage and tool hut full of what my wife calls “black stuff.� When we were thinking of getting a divorce, she went through my stuff and counted up 20 saws, 100 screwdrivers, 147 wrenches and hammers, and 14 boxes of nails. I guess I get my safety from hoarding tools. I definitely get my safety from spending and hoarding.
How much exercise is too much? TAMMY: I go for a walk at dawn, take off at noon to go to the gym, and then play basketball from five to seven p.m. I am definitely an exercise junkie. It gives me a high without feeling my feelings, but the only drawback is a lack of intimacy. Both my husband and I use exercise instead of feeling our feelings. It works for that purpose, but now we both have injuries, and we want more intimacy in our lives, which is why the time is perfect for EBT.
The EBT Brain Map
Behavioral Survival Circuits Which of the following behaviors do you engage in while either numb or experiencing strong emotional drives?
Identify Your Behavioral Survival Circuits Check off your responses when highly stressed. Those are your survival circuits. You can rewire them in EBT.
I get my safety from: Food
Sleeping too much
Cigarettes
Recreational drugs
Alcohol
Video games
Spending
Clutter
Gambling
Overexercise
Hoarding
Other _________
Technology
None
Let’s erase the behavioral escapes!
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Numbing out and eating ARETHA: Ask anyone, and they’ll say I love food. My weight is caused by habits, or so I thought. I have an emotional survival circuit that tells me I get my safety from numbing out. I don’t know when I’m full or hungry because I miss the signals from my body. I really don’t know whether I am full or not.
Depression is my survival circuit MARK: I have had low-level depression since childhood. Then I got into a car accident and broke my leg. I had plenty of reasons to be depressed and my brain got into the depression habit. I do get my safety from being depressed.
Hostility worked for me SUE: I was the middle child and pretty much ignored. Then I blew up one day, and they paid attention to me. It became my emotional survival circuit.
The EBT Brain Map
My Emotional Survival Circuits Which of the following emotional states do you get stuck in? Perhaps they started as a result of stress, but later they became familiar. Your brain easily defaulted to them because they enabled you to escape from your present-moment feelings.
Identify Your Emotional Survival Circuits Check off your responses when highly stressed. Those are your survival circuits. You can rewire them in EBT.
I get my safety from: Hostility
Numbness (no feelings)
Depression
Thinking too much
Self-pity
False highs
Anxiety
Other _________
Panic
None
Shame
Let’s erase the emotional escapes!
WR I TE
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We are a bunch of mergers ANNA: I learned merging from the time I was conceived. Our whole family is in everyone else’s business. If everyone isn’t happy, then nobody is happy. We are all anxious messes. Nobody gives anybody any boundaries. I know I need to stop the merging, and that is why I am in EBT.
My family thinks too much CLARA: My mom is a professor and my dad is a researcher, so I have to admit that growing up there was not a lot of laughter, except for jokes. They were not passionate people. I got the circuit “I get my safety from distancing, analyzing, and being perfect.”
I both distance and merge BRUCE: I distance at work, which is definitely a bonus for me. I am powerful, and I make people work hard, but I merge at home and will do whatever my wife wants me to do. I want to end that!
The EBT Brain Map
My Relational Survival Circuits Which of the following relationship patterns do you find yourself in when stressed? Distancing (losing awareness of the feelings and needs of another) and merging (losing awareness of our own feelings and needs) are both stress responses.
Identify Your Relational Survival Circuits Check off your responses when highly stressed. Those are your survival circuits. You can rewire them in EBT.
Merging Survival Circuits People-pleasing
Fixing others
Rescuing
Other ___________
Distancing Survival Circuits Isolating
Persecuting
Judging
Other_____________
Let’s erase the relationship escapes!
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Brain Set Point Brain states There are five levels of stress that the brain perceives. For each one, it organizes its response to best meet our needs and respond effectively to life in that moment. Our brain states change moment to moment throughout the day, depending on what stresses we encounter.
Brain State
Perception
Feel great Feel good A little stressed Definitely stressed Stressed out!
1 2 3 4 5
Brain set point In contrast to brain states that are always changing, the brain set point is the habit or trait of the brain. We rewire disconnect circuits, and our set point improves. We naturally stay in a state of connection more easily and more often.
The EBT Brain Map
Brain states change rapidly JOE: I woke up this morning feeling good at Brain State 2, then realized that I had no gas in the car and was late for work, so I went down to Brain State 4. Then I waved to a friend who was walking his dog and shot up to Brain State 1.
Set points change slowly PETER: My set point was running about 3, a little stressed, but then my best friend moved to town and his girlfriend and mine got along well. I started having more fun. I started exercising and rewired two of my survival circuits. My set point definitely improved to about 2. I’m going to continue to move it up!
Why is the set point so important? Our brain set point impacts every area of our lives. With age or trauma, the set point can decline. When it does, every aspect of life suffers and becomes more extreme and harmful. On the other hand, reversing that age-related decline and clearing away the circuits of stress and disconnect from the past gives us the power to begin to improve our set point.
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Every aspect of life becomes easier, richer, and more rewarding. The goal of EBT is to improve our brain’s set point so that we can move on with our lives!
The most powerful thing we can do is improve the brain’s set point. It’s my sister’s fault CRAIG: My sister threatened to never talk to me again if I didn’t get into EBT. It’s her fault I started this, but I am happy I did. I estimate my set point as 4.5. Even moving up my set point one notch would change a lot of things. I’d probably have the confidence to get a better job and instead of playing computer games by myself at night, I’d probably start dating again. That makes this worth it..
The twins were born . . . DARCY: I work three 12-hour days per week as a nurse and my set point was 2. Then the twins were born and went to a 4. My stress showed up as back pain, stomach aches, late night eating and migraines. The twins just started first grade. It’s time to move up my set point.
The EBT Brain Map
A high set point RICH: I’ve had a good run at life so far, and I know I’m lucky. My set point is about 2.5 and life is good. Check that, my life is great. But what if my situation changed? The power of moving up my set point appeals to me. I want the highest set point I can get. That is my insurance policy for life – accessing the power that is inside me.
Which of the brain states do you get stuck in? That is your set point—for now. In EBT, you can improve your set point and move it up!
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Set Point My set point is: 1
2
3
4
Let’s move up our set point!
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The EBT Brain Map Please summarize what you learned from the EBT brain map. My most important core circuit to rewire: __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________ My most important survival circuit to rewire: __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________ My brain set point: 1 2
3
4
5
What I learned from this: _________________________________ __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________
NEXT STEP:
It’s Just a Wire! Wiring changes, so let’s look more closely at how your wiring can change in EBT.
It’s Just a Wire!
It’s Just a Wire! If my mother had told me that I could turn negative feelings into positive ones in two minutes flat, I would not have believed it! But it’s true. That’s the power of the flow tool tool. It sweeps away the negative emotions and ushers in the positive ones. We’ll start by learning this tool in Chapter 1. All other tools are just derivations of this amazing tool!
Flow Tool Trains the brain to process
emotions.
Turns negative feelings into
positive ones.
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3 Steps to Rewire Step 1. Unlock the old circuit. Step 2. Switch it into a new circuit. Step 3. Lock in the new circuit!
What about those core circuits and survival circuits that encoded unreasonable expectations in our brain? They are not a problem. They are just an inconvenience. We need to push up our sleeves and rewire them.
The cycle tool rewires circuits We use the cycle tool to rewire circuits. The core of this tool is the flow tool, so we learn that first. Then we add on specific small tools to it, like taking an engine, adding on box cars, and finally a caboose! By the fifth chapter of this course, you will have built a freight train! You will have learned how to use this tool effectively to begin to rewire circuits. In EBT, we do our best to erase circuits. This erasure is called reconsolidation. Most of us have some of these disconnect circuits, and we have four options for dealing with them.
It’s Just a Wire!
Method 1. Enduring The first strategy for dealing with a disconnect circuit is to endure, living with the circuits and dealing with their consequences. This means not changing any part of the circuit: the emotion, the expectation, or the behavior. Sometimes that’s a smart strategy, such as when we have other aspects of life that are more pressing and important. For instance, when we have a sick child, we might not have the time or attention to focusing on losing weight or ending our love affair with computer games.
Method 2. Active coping The second strategy to deal with a disconnect circuit is to keep it from being activated. Perhaps you avoid food that triggers cravings, stay away from people with whom you overeat, or try hard not to overeat even though every cell of your being seems to need that food! Active coping makes sense; however, we lose some freedom in the process. By dodging the stress we miss the opportunity to activate and fry old disconnect circuits!
Method 3. Building a new connect circuit The third way of dealing with that disconnect circuit is to build a connect circuit of healthy emotions, expectations, and behaviors. We can go on a diet to change our behavior, use relaxation techniques to calm our emotions, or change our thinking and expectations.
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The only downside to this approach is that the emotional disconnect circuit has not gone away. It has gone underground. You might sense it in that you dream about food, worry that you are going to regain the weight, and still long for that amazing (pseudo) emotional connect with that doughnut (or drink, spending spree, cigarette, or drug). Much of the time this works! We feel great about ourselves and begin to relax into the conditioning of the brain that comes with building new, adaptive circuits. Then, often when we least expect it, something stressful occurs—a loss, change, or upset—and the old disconnect circuit that has been hiding out in the bottom of the brain roars to life. It easily overpowers the circuits that were encoded during a balanced state (along with all that work!), and before we know it we are back to square one, eating, drinking, spending, smoking, or using whatever escape was encoded in that survival circuit. Typically, we blame ourselves when our survival circuit roars back, and feel shame, depression, hostility, rebellion, discouragement—or we just go numb. Sometimes that old circuit doesn’t roar back. All seems well, except for the fact that the emotional drive has found a new response. We have stopped overeating and now we are overexercising, overworking, drinking too much, or any one of thousands of ways that we escape being present in the moment, feeling our feelings, and connecting with ourselves. The goal of EBT is for us to rewire the brain’s set point and turn
It’s Just a Wire!
those survival circuits into circuits of connection that bring an abundance of life’s higher-order rewards, which brings us to the fourth way to deal with that circuit: reconsolidation.
Method 4. Reconsolidating the circuit The fourth method of dealing with that circuit is to transform it into a connect circuit. This is called reconsolidation. Although we use a range of strategies in EBT, we rely primarily on this one. Erasing the old circuit treats the root cause of the problem. Reconsolidating a circuit means that we go hunting for that circuit and activate it. We use moments of stress in our daily lives, or even start thinking about stressful experiences to intentionally activate that disconnect circuit. We unlock it, intentionally switch it so that it becomes a connect circuit, and then lock in that connect circuit. Why is reconsolidation so important? It enables us to use the pieces (neurons) of the old circuit to create a new circuit. By doing so, we erase the old circuit. The cravings, drives and yearnings for the unhealthy behavior fade. In its place, we have locked in a circuit that unleashes surges of feel-good chemicals when we engage in healthy responses.
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Turn a disconnect circuit into a connect circuit MONICA: I had this strong drive to people please. My radar for how to please my mother, sister, boss and best friend triggered me to forget that I even existed! I fried that wire and now I have a secure base. I get my safety from connecting to myself. The drive to people please shut off. I am nice to them, but I no longer lose sight of my own needs. SOPHIA: My response to stress was depression. It was rewarding in a way because I didn’t have to feel my feelings. I could hide in that dark place. Now that stress reaction triggers me to use the tools and get myself back to a state of connection. I feel so much better! NATHAN: I have battled the drive to overeat since the age of nine, and now, I have no interest in overeating. My emotional drive is to push back from the table. I don’t get my love from food. I get if from inside me. I lost another 10 pounds and it was effortless.
Each time we lock in a new circuit our set point moves up, stress symptoms begin to fade and lasting improvements in behavior are easier to make – for we have addressed the root cause.
It’s Just a Wire!
It’s Just a Wire! The Old Circuit
Step1: Unlock the circuit
Step 2: Switch to a new circuit
Step 3. Lock in new circuit
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Wiping out circuits STACY: I have circuits to rewire and the image of an old circuit like “I am bad” being wiped out is really exciting to me. Count me in!
I’ll fry them one by one! CARLA: The circuit I can’t stand is my self-pity circuit. I’m going to fry that one first. I’ll put some circuits on the shelf and fry them later or never. I’ll see how I feel. But that self-pity wire, I’m wiping that one out right away!
In control of my wiring CASSIDY: It never occurred to me that I could be in control of my wiring. I like that idea. With my work schedule, I’ll probably focus in on a circuit and zap it, then ease back a bit, then zap another one. Perfect!
NEXT STEP: The Rewards You Want Most Take a moment to identify the rewards that you want most from EBT.
The Rewards You Want Most
The Rewards You Want Most As you move up your set point, you will experience more of the earned rewards of an exceptional life.
The seven rewards There are seven of these natural rewards. All of them are associated with evolutionary biology and survival of the species. Our ancestors were more likely to survive if they were motivated and rewarded by doing things for the greater good. Embedded in our genes is the drive to do good. When we are in a state of disconnection and stress, the brain cannot access these earned rewards, so it defaults to using rewards that have no redeeming value for humankind. The brain starts using artificial rewards that really don’t do the
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job, which is to give us a great feeling of having done the right thing. The drives for these artificial rewards work in the short term, but become addictive, compulsive, and deleterious in the long term. As we move up our set point, we train the brain to move through the many stresses of life with grace and strengthen its capacity to experience these earned rewards.
Being authentic and genuine CHRISTINE: I was raised in a very chaotic family, as we were traveling for the military and my mother drank too much. My reward was to get back at them and I did that by acting out. Drugs, staying out all night and defying them were my rewards. I gave up being authentic. The reward I want now is authenticity, feeling whole and being genuine.
About three years ago, my relationship ended GREG: My partner David was the love of my life, but he left me three years ago. I had to do something to feel better, so I started lifting weights and blew out my shoulder. The reward I most want now is intimacy, giving and receiving love, along with sanctuary, peace and power from within.
The Rewards You Want Most
The 7 Rewards Sanctuary Peace and power from within
Authenticity Feeling whole and being genuine
Vibrancy Healthy with a zest for life
Integrity Doing the right thing
Intimacy Giving and receiving love
Spirituality Aware of the grace, beauty, and mystery of life
Freedom Common excesses fade; we move forward in life
The reward that matters most to you Having an abundance of all seven of these rewards is at the heart of creating an exceptional life. Right now, the priority is to identify one reward that is most meaningful to you.
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CLOSER LOOK
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What Do You Want Most? Sanctuary Peace and power from within
Authenticity Feeling whole and being genuine
Vibrancy Healthy with a zest for life
Integrity Doing the right thing
Intimacy Giving and receiving love
Spirituality Aware of the grace, beauty, and mystery of life
Freedom Common excesses fade; we move forward in life
The Rewards You Want Most
Congratulations. You are off to a great start with EBT Connect™!
NEXT STEP:
Chapter 1
Let’s move on to Chapter 1 and start learning the tools to rewire and move up our set point.
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