EBTconnectâ„¢ A S O LU T I O N F O R L I F E
Flip the Switch! Laurel Mellin, PhD
Flip the Switch Copyright 2016 Laurel Mellin, PhD All right reserved. Printed in the United States EBT Connect™ is a trademark of EBT, Inc. Contributors: Walt Rose, Igor Mitrovic and Lynda Frasetto Product Design: Joe Mellin Graphic Design: Jamison Spittler Editor: Kimberlee Adams Associate Editor: Michele Blanchard Welling ISBN 978-0-9864107-5-8 Published by EBT, Inc. 101 Larkspur Landing, Suite 327 Larkspur, CA 94939 TEL: 800-441-2054 www.ebt.org This book introduces Emotional Brain Training (EBT), the foundation of an e-learning program and remote services community. For more information about the method, visit ebtconnect.net. For information about professional training to become a Certified EBT Coach, visit ebtconnect.org.
On the day you were born, you had all the inherent strength, goodness and wisdom you would ever need. All you required were the tools to access it. — Laurel Mellin, PhD
Connect with yourself. Connect with others. Move forward in life.
Flip the Switch ď ľ EBT
gives you the power to flip the switch, turn off stress and create joy in your life.
ď ľ Watch
issues and problems fade as you connect with yourself, connect with others and move forward in life.
Welcome to the EBT Community!
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Welcome to EBT! Thanks for joining EBT and embarking on this neurosciencebased program, where you’ll learn how to flip the switch in your brain. When you do that, you’ll create surges of joy that swamp stress. Issues, problems, cravings and over-reactions cease. When you flip the switch, your body and brain are at their best for a moment… Then the switch flips back to stress, and the game is on! Your challenge is to continue to flip that switch to joy in more and more elegant and sophisticated ways, so that, over time, the brain learns that your norm is to stay connected and present, with that slight glow that brings a sense of well-being. Essential to training the brain out of the stress habit and into the joy habit is to use the neuroscience-based tools of EBT with
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others. It’s much more fun — and much more effective — but the choice is yours.
With EBT, you gain convenient access to a small, dedicated group of people, who, like yourself, listen, inspire, share confidences, and resist giving advice. You speak the same language (“EBT”) and have the same goals. Your group supports your success and shares your journey. Access to your group is as anonymous as you wish. That’s one reason we created EBT telegroups. To enhance the meaning and joy of the moments in a day, the emotional brain needs warm, loving, joyful — and purposeful — connection. This is how to change the brain’s habit as quickly and easily as possible. This is why you check in by phone, with like-minded individuals, wanting this same purposeful connection.
A Perfect Plan 1. Start learning the EBT tools. 2. Ease into an EBT telegroup. 3. Focus on fun and not quitting. 4. Complete the courses in your own time. 5. Share the journey — and the joy — with your telegroup.
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A Comfortable Group Your EBT telegroup is warm, comfortable, exciting and effective. Chances are you’ll really like the telegroup environment right from the start. However, your emotional brain will take awhile to settle into it. That’s why your job is to do very little the first month in your telegroup. The emotional brain is sensing that you are learning how to flip the switch from stress to joy — since joy feels good. The emotional brain, however, also likes the old circuits that cause stress, over-reactions, issues and more. There will — and should — be a struggle between these factions of the emotional brain. So, for the first month, focus on one thing: not quitting. Read the books, watch the videos and make connections, but only if it sounds fun. In time, your brain will feel comfortable, and you’ll be eager to learn more. Until then, take it slowly, focus on fun and keep your sense of humor. By the second month, your emotional brain will start flipping the switch more easily, with less resistance, and you’ll see changes in your life. EBT can be among the most powerful experiences of your life, so fulfill your part by staying with your telegroup and completing the courses until you notice that you naturally stay in that state of warm and powerful connection most of the time. Stay until you feel you have an abundance of the rewards of an exceptional life. — Laurel and the EBT Team
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Why EBT? EBT is a unique method of giving you the power to flip your switch from stress to joy. This switch, the hypothalamus, is stored in your emotional brain, the storehouse of the circuits that control how you respond to daily life. Right now, you may be choosing EBT because you have a specific habit you want to change, a hurt you want to heal, some weight you want to lose, or an over-reaction you want to stop. Or perhaps you simply want the power to create more joy in your life. By reading this introduction, you’ll lay the groundwork for learning the tools and allowing your mind to start catching on to EBT. The next step is to take a look at the 3-Day Vibrancy Plan, to see if using the method intensively for 3 days sounds like fun to you. Some people like that “burst” of lifestyle change when they begin EBT. If it sounds like fun, then use the plan with one or two other members of your telegroup. The surges of oxytocin — the love chemical — from using the plan with others over a period of days creates an extremely powerful — and fun — experience. What’s next? Continue with the EBT courses, starting with Spiral Up!, to help you use the tools far more easily and powerfully, then move through our advanced courses so that the switch stays flipped. The purpose of EBT is to change your brain from the stress habit to the joy habit, that is, to raise your brain’s emotional set point.
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Right now, the best strategy for jumpstarting your EBT practice is to read this book, settle in to your telegroup and — have a good time. Be playful and enjoy discovering a new way of thinking about life.
I am sick and tired of stress running my life. Other people can be stressed. I want to create joy in my life. I feel out of control. I keep repeating the same patterns. I want to flip that switch and create new pathways for myself, a new way of living my life. My reason for using EBT is that I have tried 10 years of therapy and it helped, but it did not give me joy. I want joy. I want to flip the switch out of stress and get freedom from food cravings. I want to release extra weight. I like the structure of EBT. EBT makes sense to me: train my brain in the joy habit, take charge of my emotional brain. I want to learn the tools.
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Why does EBT have to be fun? Your thinking brain doesn’t care if you have fun. Sure, it’s enjoyable to plan, decide, organize and analyze, but you can do all that without your thinking brain having fun. The emotional brain is much more picky. It is our survival brain, and that brain is so powerful that the work we do can’t be too hard (no fun) or too easy (right, also no fun). If something sounds fun, the emotional brain will find it not too stressful to do, and it will create surges of feel-good chemicals at the thought of it — that’s perfect. Learn that tool. Take on that stress. Step forward in that way.
It sounds like fun to learn what circuits are causing my drive to over-eat. I can make it to the telegroup, but I have a cold coming on. I want to call into the group and say nothing. That sounds like fun. That’s about right. I am not going to make any calls to other group members until doing so sounds like fun to me. I keep thinking about my old girlfriend and can’t get her off my mind. I am going to flip the switch and deactivate those messages right away.
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What happens at my first telegroup? You call in at the time your group starts. Your coach will greet you and introduce you to the other group members. The groups are small (5 to 8 people), and the same people meet every week. What if you are late? No problem. Come late, but come. The emotional brain is very sensitive to the presence of others, so each moment you are there counts. Just by being present, you are giving back, even if you don’t say anything. All sessions start with a progress check, with each person having time to ask questions, share something they learned that week and arrange for the support they want from other members for the coming week. To make it easy to know when to speak, we take turns by going around the circle in alphabetical order of first names. You choose whether or not to speak. If it is your turn and you want to pass, just say, “I pass.” Your coach will say something like, “Good limits,” and move on to the next member. Then, everyone who wants to shares their accomplishments (what they are most proud of doing in the last week in EBT) and their challenge (what they will focus on to get the best results from EBT in the next week). If you have chosen a 30-minute group, your session will end then. However, if you are in a 60-minute group, what follows is a “coached cycle.” One member volunteers to use the skills, and the coach helps them do an amazing cycle, from which everyone learns how to improve their technique. The volunteer
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“flips the switch,” and as emotions are catching, everyone in the group leaves the session feeling less stress and more joy.
The time goes quickly. I’m amazed at how much we get done. I leave the session charged up for the week ahead. I like the groups, as everyone gets to speak and I get to know other members slowly. It’s the right pace.
What are community connections? Community connections are 5-minute (no more than 10-minute) telephone calls through our private EBT phone system between you and another group member. The purpose of community connections is for you to use the tools with others. These brief “vacations” from your daily life are extremely powerful in changing the brain. Our research has shown that the number of connections people make are directly related to, not only satisfaction with EBT, but also to general health outcomes from using the program. Your coach will ask two group members to be your “welcome buddies” for your first week in the group, contacting you for a community connection and offering to answer any questions you might have.
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There is no need for you to initiate community connections when you start the program. Let your emotional brain take time to become accustomed to making the calls. In time, you’ll probably make a connection a day on most days, but be sure to start off slowly (“If it’s not fun, it’s not EBT”). Wait for others to connect with you or skip connections altogether until it feels good to you to do them.
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How to Make a Community Connection At the start of the call, the caller asks,
“Is this a good time?” If you say no, the call ends. If you say
yes, then continue. Plan together how you will use the
time — using a tool to flip the switch, check in, or share a moment of joy (“joy point”). If the other member uses a tool, your
job is to be a warm presence (no advice or interruptions). After listening to the member use a
tool, say some kind words (“connecting message”). Both say, “goodbye” to conclude the
connection.
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I can’t stand being on the telephone, so this was an adjustment. Now connections are essential to my day. My first connection was listening to someone use the flow tool. Just listening flipped the switch in my brain, and after 5 minutes, I left the call feeling happy and grateful.
How do I give a connecting message? When another member uses a tool to switch out of stress and spiral up to a state of well-being, the other member listens and says nothing. They do not give advice. They do not interrupt. They just listen and offer the person a warm presence. This act of kindness and respect significantly improves the power of the tools and the training of the brain. The tools go deeper into the brain and have a more profound effect when we sense that another person is emotionally connecting with us as we speak. After being a warm presence, you can give a connecting message. This message from you is not judgmental or congratulatory, but intimate. This member has shared their feelings with you; you share your feelings with them. We use “lead-ins” with EBT. These are short phrases, easily memorized for future use. After you state a lead-in, you wait for a few words to come to mind and then say them. You will learn more about connecting messages later, but for now, here are the lead-ins to memorize.
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Connecting Message Lead-ins When you did your work, the feelings
and sensations in my body were… The way your work was a gift to me
was…
Always feel completely free to not give a connecting message. Instead, gently excuse yourself, while still being present in the moment.
I listened to your work, but I need to pass on giving a connecting message. I care how you feel but need to pass in giving a connecting message right now.
When you start giving connecting messages, use only the first lead-in (from the box above). In time, add the second lead-in. Begin like this:
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When you did your work, the feelings and sensations in my body were… fear, then sadness, then I got a smile on my face. Now I feel really good. Thanks. When you did your work, the feelings and sensations in my body were… sadness, then I felt a warmth in my chest. Thanks.
When you are comfortable, consider using the second lead-in, which starts with the words, “The way your work was a gift to me was…” Again, pause a few seconds and wait for the words to come, and then say them.
How do I flip the switch? You use the EBT tools. These are emotional tools that give you instant access to the easiest pathway to get from stress and disconnection to a state of well-being (even joy) and connection. When the brain is in a state of connection, all the circuits are connecting well, and our entire physiology — every chemical in our body, every reaction — moves toward improved health and happiness. The way to learn these tools quickly and use them effectively from the start is to use the lead-ins. They take you right to that sweet spot of connection in the brain, keeping you on that “best pathway” from stress to joy.
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There is one tool for each of the 5 levels of brain stress. Each tool is a series of three or more lead-ins and takes from 1 to 5 minutes to use. With practice each one gives you the power to switch off stress, stop the over-reactions and halt the drive to go to excess. The best way to jumpstart your EBT practice? Memorize the lead-ins for each of the tools. You’ll flip the switch more easily and get better results faster.
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Use at Brain State 1 — Feeling Great!
Feel compassion for myself. Feel compassion for others. Feel compassion for all living beings.
Feelings Tool Use at Brain State 2 — Feeling Good
How do I feel? What do I need? Do I need support (from others)?
Flow Tool Use at Brain State 3 — A Little Stressed
I feel angry that… I feel sad that… I feel afraid that… I feel guilty that… I feel grateful that… I feel happy that… I feel secure that… I feel proud that…
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Compassion Tool
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The EBT Tools
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The EBT Tools cont’d.
Cycle Tool Use at Brain State 4 — Definitely Stressed
The situation is… What I’m most stressed about is… I feel angry that… I can’t stand it that… I hate it that… I feel sad that… I feel afraid that… I feel guilty that… OF COURSE I would do that, because my unreasonable expectation is… My reasonable expectation is… (say it 3 or more times)
Damage Control Tool Use at Brain State 5 — Stressed Out!
Do Not Judge Minimize Harm Know It Will Pass (restate in that order 5+ times)
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How do I know which tool to use? Check your stress level and then use the tool for that level. In essence, just give it your best guess. Use your chosen tool, and if it works, it means you guessed right. Over time and with practice, you’ll discover your own thumbprint of signs for each Brain State, so flipping the switch becomes easier. This simple check-in guides your selection of the tool and helps you ease stress and emotionally connect with yourself. Throughout the day, take 30 seconds to take deep breaths and ask, “What number am I?” Just knowing your Brain State number is very powerful — because you are turning your attention to your internal life. Once you have a number in mind, you can simply accept that level of stress or use the corresponding tool. What if it doesn’t work? Laugh. Shrug. Smile… and try another one. Each time you use a tool, you train your brain to connect to yourself. Each check-in matters!
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Check-In Tool Lead-Ins Take three deep breaths and ask yourself: What number am I? 1 – Feeling Great! 2 – Feeling Good 3 – A Little Stressed 4 – Definitely Stressed 5 – Stressed Out!
What if I am stuck? What if you check in and feel pretty good, say you are at 1 or 2, but you feel stuck. You don’t know how to move forward. Perhaps the situation is new or you are living your life but don’t feel inspired. Create a limit for yourself. This is actually an advanced skill, but some people find it handy to use right from the start. Say you use the cycle tool to spiral up from Brain State 4, but are still not at Brain State 1. This tool can almost always bring us to Brain State 1 because we get that joy surge from having clarity about what we are doing and why.
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Positive, powerful thought? Essential Pain? Earned Reward?
I expect myself to do the best I can to… be kind to people. Positive, powerful thought? I can do that. Essential pain? It takes work. Earned reward? Integrity I expect myself to do the best I can to… get to work on time. Positive, powerful thought? That’s important to do. Essential pain? I can’t be lazy. Earned reward? Vibrancy I expect myself to do the best I can to… appreciate myself. Positive, powerful thought? My relationship with myself matters. Essential pain? I am not perfect. Earned reward? Authenticity
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I expect myself to do the best I can to…
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Create a Limit
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Learn more about this tool and the others in the EBT courses, but for now, appreciate that you have started EBT and that that’s the most challenging part… in about a month, your amazing work in getting started will begin to pay off.
Welcome to EBT! You’ve started your EBT practice. The next step is to attend your telegroup, so you can start learning how to flip the switch, stop over-reactions and stop excesses — giving you more joy in your daily life. EBT is a community practice. We recommend that you share this booklet with the three people who are closest to you. Often the person you least want to share it with most needs these tools. The idea is to stay with your telegroup and create a secondary circle around you in your daily life, so you can use the tools with others. Not only will they “catch” your joy, but you will catch theirs. We recommend that you stay with EBT until you have moved through all the courses and your brain is in the joy habit. You have raised your set point, so the changes you experience can be lasting. We are very grateful to you for choosing EBT, and we hope you find this program to be the most important step you have ever taken to take charge of and create joy in your life.
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Glossary Circuit A co-activation of nerve cells that creates a memory that is then repeated in response to the same stimulus. All thoughts, feelings and responses are circuits. Also called wires. Community Connection A brief (5-minute or less usually, and no more than 10-minute) telephone meeting between two EBT’ers to use the tools together. Connecting Message In a community connection, the member who listens to the other person’s cycle or flow tool briefly makes one or two statements that show that they were moved by the work and willing to express the ways they were moved. Connecting messages are optional. Emotional Brain The brain residing under the thinking brain that controls our automatic responses in life and is the seat of emotions, relationships, spirituality and strong emotional drives, including the stress response. This brain controls our moment-to-moment physiological responses to daily life.
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Flip the Switch Using the EBT mental techniques (“EBT tools”) to switch off the stress response and turn on the relaxation and reward response. By flipping the switch, the activations of the ineffective circuits shut off, so over-reactions and strong emotional drives for excesses fade. Joy Point A self-generated awareness of a natural pleasure or loving connection that flips the switch and creates a surge of feel-good chemicals. A quick way to flip the switch, particularly when stress levels are moderate or low. Over-reactions Activations of circuits that were encoded during the first 3 years of life or later during episodes of stress overload that encoded unreasonable expectations in the brain (false generalizations and false associations) that can be repeated for a lifetime unless rewired. Spiral Up Once you have checked in, become aware that the stress switch has flipped and you are stuck in stress, then use a tool to switch off that stress, continuing until you feel a surge of positive emotions. Positive emotions train the brain, rewiring over-reactions, strong emotional drives and unreasonable expectations and move up the brain’s set point. This upward spiral changes the brain’s habit from stress and disconnection to joy and connection.