Chapter 3
Vibrancy Healthy and full of zest and enthusiasm for life
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About Vibrancy Vibrancy is more than feeling healthy. It’s feeling full of vitality, with a zest and enthusiasm for life. The root of the word vibrancy is spirit. The easiest way to get to vibrancy is to use the tools to get to Brain State 1.
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Emotional Evolution: Power Early in life if we are deprived, we don’t get enough support to succeed and enjoy our power. If we are indulged, we never set our goals high enough to feel proud, and to rejoice about our power. The emotional brain wordlessly soaks in our experiences and we encode the distillation of those experiences, which is: I have no power. The Grind in for this week is: Core Expectation: I do have power. Essential Pain: I am not in complete control. Earned Reward: Vibrancy
I have been accused of being over-controlling at work. At home, I follow along, and go with the flow. When I say to myself that I have power, that feels good, but then I’m afraid it could get out of control. Then I state the essential pain: I am not in complete control. That has a balancing effect. I feel healthier and have more energy.
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Check In 1. Deep Breaths Breathe into your belly, relaxing more with each exhale. 2. Body in Joy Shoulders back, chin up, a slight smile. Give your brain the message that you are in a state of wellbeing. (Also called Body at 1.) 3. Warmly Observe Yourself See yourself just as you are, with acceptance and without judgment. 4. Ask yourself, “What number am I?” There are 5 states. Check your emotional state, your brain state on a 5-point scale. Bring up a nurturing inner voice rather than a harsh inner voice and be curious.
The 5 Brain States 1 Feeling Great! 2 Feeling Good (“OK”) 3 A Little Stressed! 4 Definitely Stressed 5 Stressed Out!
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5. Accept State or Change State? Decide if you want to warmly accept your state or move it up! If you choose to move it up, use the tool that corresponds to your brain state. If it doesn’t work, it’s because you are in a different brain state. Each tool ONLY works for the actual brain state you are in.
Tools for the 5 Brain States 1 Sanctuary Tool 2 Feelings Check Tool 3 Emotional Housecleaning Tool 4 Cycle Tool 5 Damage Control Tool
You can call 1800-877-4Joy to be guided through a Check In.
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Brain State #1: Feeling Great
Sanctuary Tool Take a deep breath Connect to the sanctuary within Feel compassion for myself Feel compassion for all living beings Collect a Joy Point
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Brain State #2: Feeling Good
Feelings Check Tool How do I feel? Ask the question, then wait for 20 seconds. Your emotional brain will send a feeling up to your thinking brain. This feeling is the genetically determined most accurate message that can alert you to your most important need. The strongest feeling points to the most important need. Notice that the feelings are very primitive, emotional messages of our most basic emotional and physical needs to sustain our lives. Angry
Grateful
Sad
Happy
Afraid
Secure
Guilty
Proud
Tired
Rested
Tense
Relaxed
Hungry / Full
Satisfied
Lonely
Loved / Loving
Sick
Healthy
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What do I need? Once you know how you feel, ask yourself, “What do I need?” If you have been accustomed to a harsh inner critic in the past, now’s the time to replace it with a kind, encouraging coach — a nurturing inner voice. Wait 20 seconds after asking the question so that your emotional brain can alert you to the most accurate answer. Logical need:
I am tired. I need to sleep. I am lonely. I need a hug. Deeper need:
I am tired. I can’t sleep now. I need to appreciate how tired I am and go to bed early tonight. I am lonely. I need company but nobody is here. I need to connect more deeply with myself. Do I need support? Last, ask yourself if you need support from others. Asking for support from others increases intimacy and improves the chances that your need will be met.
Would you please . . . go with me to the store? Would you please . . . give me a hug? 126
Katherine’s Feelings Checks How do I feel? (Wait 20 seconds) What do I need? (Wait 20 seconds) To talk about it. Do I need support? Yes, I’m going to ask my friend to listen to me.
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Brain State #3: A Little Stressed
Emotional Housecleaning Tool To use this powerful tool, complete each sentence. Say the first four words, then wait for 20 seconds. During that time, your emotional brain sends you words that complete the sentence. If no words come to mind, that’s fine. Just go on to the next sentence. Once you have expressed the first 4 feelings, negative emotions will fade. You have cleared them away, and will notice your positive ones. Express them by completing the second 4 feelings. Using this tool will often bring you to Brain State 1. The feelings do not need to make sense. In fact, they usually aren’t logical, and often each statement is on a different topic. We are clearing away the emotional clutter of the moment! I feel angry that . . . I feel sad that . . . I feel afraid that . . . I feel guilty that . . . I feel grateful that . . . I feel happy that . . . I feel secure that . . . I feel proud that . . . 128
Felicia’s Emotional Housecleaning I feel angry that . . . I am late. I feel sad that . . . my room is a mess. I feel afraid that . . . Kara is mad at me. I feel guilty that . . . I didn’t return her phone call. I feel grateful . . . to be alive. I feel happy that . . . my job is going well. I feel secure that . . . I am a good person. I feel proud that . . . I am using these tools.
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Brain State #4: Definitely Stressed
Cycle Tool This is the most powerful tool of EBT. It rewires the circuits stored during stressful moments. These circuits cause overreactions and chronic stress. We can nab these circuits and rewire them! To rewire those old circuits, just use the Cycle Tool. It will take a couple of weeks to get the skill down, but then you’ll have this skill for life. The wires stored during stress can only be rewired during stress. So when you are in Brain State 4, it is a moment of opportunity. You can rewire a circuit that causes stress for you. Here’s how to use this technique: Step 1. Just the Facts State what you are most upset about. State facts — not feelings — so that you can ramp up stress and open that wire so you can rewire it. The wire is an unconscious unreasonable expectation, such as: I must be perfect. I must be in complete control. Whatever I do, it won’t work out. I am a bad person. I don’t matter. Let’s nab that wire and rewire it!
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Step 2. Nab the Stress Circuit When you feel really stressed, and can’t stand NOT expressing feelings anymore, then begin expressing your feelings. This is called the Natural Flow of Feelings: Express your feelings: anger, sadness, fear and guilt. This is a natural process, and one feeling “melts” into the next. Often after three statements of a particular feeling, you become aware of the next feeling. It helps to use very short statements, with strong feeling, so you feel the feelings rather than “think” them. I feel angry that . . . I feel sad that . . . I feel afraid that . . . I feel guilty that . . . What is my unreasonable expectation? Check what words come to your mind immediately after you ask the question. What unreasonable expectation is fueling my stress? That’s your circuit! That’s your unreasonable expectation.
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Step 3. Create A New Circuit What is my reasonable expectation? Now say the opposite of the unreasonable expectation. Often this means putting the word “NOT” into the same sentence. If the old stress circuit was “I am worthless”, then the new one might be: “I am NOT worthless.” Step 4. Strengthen the New Circuit: Grind In Now state the new expectation 10 times. Immediately after you use the Cycle Tool, the wires are open to change. This is the time when you can most effectively rewire your own brain. That’s right! As the emotions cool down, the opportunity to easily rewire the circuit fades.
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Maria’s Cycle Step 1. Just the Facts My boss is really demanding and I am tired all the time. I have so much work to do, and I don’t have the energy to do it. Step 2. Nab the Stress Circuit I feel angry that . . . I have so much work to do. I HATE it that I am so tired. I can’t stand it that I have such a horrible job.
I feel sad that . . . my job is so hard. I feel sad that I don’t know what do to about it. I’m sad that I am so tired. I feel afraid that . . . my being tired will hurt my baby. I feel afraid that it will get worse. I feel afraid that I will fail at my job. I feel guilty that . . . I don’t feel guilty. What is my part in it? Where is my power in this situation? I feel guilty that I keep my feelings to myself. What is my unreasonable expectation? My feelings don’t matter. I have no power.
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Step 3. Create A New Circuit What is my reasonable expectation?
I DO have some power. Step 4. Strengthen the New Circuit: Grind In I do have some power here.
I do have some power here. I do have some power. I do have some power. I do have some power. I DO HAVE POWER! I do have power. I do have power! I do have POWER! I HAVE POWER! I DO HAVE A LOT OF POWER! I HAVE POWER!
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Brain State #5: Stressed Out!
Damage Control Tool When the brain is in a full-blown stress response we are overwhelmed, confused, and either extremely emotional or numb. The circuits that trigger a fullblown stress response are strong. We need to interrupt the wire — to keep the stress buzzer from being stuck on. We state these 10 times to quiet the circuit. DO NOT JUDGE (I will not judge myself. I will not judge others.) MINIMIZE HARM KNOW IT WILL PASS (It’s just a brain state. It’s just a wire!) This tool is very popular. It provides a basic stress “safety net.” Sometimes, it will take you to Brain State 4, and you can do a Cycle. Other times it can take you to Brain State 1.
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Sarah’s Damage Control Do not judge. Minimize Harm. Know it will pass. Do not judge. Minimize harm. Know it will pass. Do not judge. Minimize harm. Know it will pass. Do not judge. I will not judge myself. I will not judge others. Minimize harm. Know it will pass. It’s just a brain state. It’s just a wire. Do not judge. Minimize harm. Know it will pass. Do not judge. Minimize harm. Know it will pass.
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Freedom We will use two strategies for increasing freedom this week: getting hooked on joy through a lifestyle change and erasing the Survival Circuit. 1. Getting hooked on joy As you create 10 Joy Points per day, your attention will probably turn to your passions, finding more ways to honor them and create joy as a personal practice. You may begin to think differently, even wondering how many Joy Points you need to turn off the drive for your external solution. However, stress blocks joy, so this week we’ll focus on changing the environment to ease stress. The sight, smell, taste, touch or even the thought of an external solution can trigger a chemical cascade that ramps up cravings. Let’s detox the environment to ease the amount of unproductive stress that flows into the brain, triggering that Survival Circuit.
I’ve already done that. No alcohol in the house. Also, I removed the glasses I used and turned off the ice machine in the refrigerator. I limit my television time to 1 hour per day and am going to bed at 10 p.m. It’s working.
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My external solution is purging and I used a toothbrush to make that easier. I threw out that toothbrush. My wife is not doing EBT and she is a food addict, too. I negotiated with her, and she agreed to detox the house of the Stress Foods for the 5 remaining weeks of this course. We will renegotiate after that. My Survival Circuit is I get my safety from buying things. The result is clutter and debt. I cut up my credit cards. I de-cluttered my office, too. That’s a start. My Survival Circuit is I get my love from smoking dope and drinking wine. I do them together. I got rid of: wine glasses, wine, the dope, and the pipe. I’m using the patch to help with quitting cigarettes, and I got rid of my lighter and matches. I switched from drinking coffee to drinking tea as the coffee activates my Survival Circuit. I have a drawer full of my pills, both over the counter and pills from my MD. I need 3 pills. I kept them. I flushed the rest.
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I detoxed my environment in these ways: _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________
I will remove from my environment: _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________ I will bring into my environment: _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________
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2. Re-wiring the circuit. Check to be sure that you have had an important emotional experience as you used the strategies of Stage 1. See the Circuit. Feeling the feelings in your body that arise when your drive for your external solution is activated opens the circuit. Once it has opened, it begins to change. Once you can really see how overwhelmed you were, and tolerate feeling the feelings you felt – the anger, sadness, panic, shame, and lost feeling – then the compassionate reconnection to yourself begins. You have a new level of intimacy with yourself. Be sure to err on the side of arranging for more support to activate this circuit, including EBT oneon-one coaching sessions and/or using the “Travel Back” technique during Sanctuary Time or in your small group sessions. Then move on to Stage 2. Once the old circuit is emotionally vivid, you can present your prefrontal cortex with a new realization, that you cannot get the safety or love you really need from that external solution. That makes vivid a new contradictory expectation.
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The PFC cannot tolerate holding two emotionally vivid but opposing ideas at one time. It erases one of them. It erases the old circuit because the new one promotes survival of the species, that is, healing of the brain from a rupture in connection. Our brains favor emotional evolution. Any action that allows you to move forward in the game of life is rewarded with a surge of the feel-good chemical: dopamine. It gives us a natural high.
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My Survival Circuit Progress Stage 2. Negate the Circuit Strategies Grind In 10 times daily: I cannot get my X from Y IMPORTANT: This Grind In means: Even if I used my external solution all day and all night every day and every night it would still not meet my true needs. What I was searching for when I encoded that circuit was not a lump of sugar or a bottle of beer. It was love. It was the evolutionarily based need to be seen, to feel heard, to be felt by a loving presence, whether that be by ourselves, by others or by the spiritual, as we define it. That emotional connection is our ultimate need. Do a Cycle or Emotional Housecleaning daily Many of us have spent years seeking our external solution, creating lives based on accessing it, with the unconscious expectation that it would meet our deepest needs. As this circuit becomes emotionally vivid, you may feel angry, sad, afraid or guilty. You may need to grieve the loss with a Cycle a day or using Emotional Housecleaning daily. Clear away the stress so that you can get to your joy. Listen to the Survival Circuit programs Listen either on the Freedom Line 1-855-422FREE or the e-course on the website www.ebt.org. The emotional brain loves repetition; that’s how it changes. Listen to it often, even daily. 142
Use your Grind In during Emotional Situations Ramp up the emotional arousal in your brain as you GRIND IN ) CANNOT GET THE 8 ) REALLY NEED FROM 9 BY saying it when you are in a variety of situations. Say it when you are going to sleep, awakening in the morning, using the external solution, praying, meditating or taking a shower. Use your Grind In with Others Repeat your Grind In during a Personal Connection, Community Connection or in your Wired for Freedom Group. Ask another person to be a loving presence for you while you state it 10 times. Keep in mind that this does not mean you cannot have that external solution. It means that you realize that no matter how much of it you use, it will not meet your deepest needs. In fact, it will block your sanctuary, intimacy and spiritual connection. We can’t have a love affair with a substance and be emotionally present at the same time.
I started saying to myself: I cannot get my love from vodka, and it didn’t ring true. If I don’t get it from vodka, where am I going to get it. I had a huge scarcity panic, then a binge. The next day I was so hung over. When I woke up I said: I CANNOT get my love from vodka. The Grind In took on new meaning to me at that point. 143
I’m plenty pissed off. From the age of nine, I have been a sugar addict. I have stolen food. I have lied to people. I have left relationships because they could not deal with my sugar habit and my weight. I feel dumped. I feel disillusioned. I feel ANGRY at life. I’ve been doing Cycles — a lot of them — daily. The exercise has made a huge difference. I have 60 minutes of running before work in the morning and use my Grind In the whole time. I am a physician and I am used to getting things right. I know that I have an addiction, but it is deflating to know that what I was really looking for was to feel cherished and loved, even if I am not perfect. I’ve needed a lot of quiet time. In fact, I crave being alone as I process this. This stage is definitely sobering. It’s sinking in that I can’t get my safety from eating cinnamon rolls. #$%$#! I asked my Connection Buddy to listen to me do my Grind In. At first I was uncomfortable. Then I was selfconscious. Then I settled in and focused on my Grind In. I could feel how much more powerful it is to be in the presence of another person who understands the meaning of what I am doing. I listened to his Grind Ins, too and that was helpful. 144
Freedom from My Survival Circuit Stage 2. Negate the Circuit I cannot get my “X” ______________________ from “Y” ______________________. I used the following strategies to gain freedom from that circuit: I did the Grind In 10 times daily: I cannot get my X from Y. Saying it repeatedly is important, with the clear understanding that even if you used it constantly it would not give you the safety that you really needed. I did CYCLES or Emotional Housecleaning daily. Doing Cycles or Emotional Housecleaning clears away the stress of having clarity about the reality of life. We can clear away the stress so that we can get to our joy. I listened to the Survival Circuit Imagine. Listening to this program feeds these ideas to the emotional brain changing the brain one synapse at a time. I did Grind Ins while using my external solution. The brain remembers what occurs during intense emotional states. Say your Grind In 10 times WHILE you use your external solution. It’s important 145
to be clear on the meaning. It is NOT that I should not eat/drink/spend/smoke or use. It’s that it does not give me the safety I really need. I used my Grind In with others. Using the Grind In in the presence of another is a powerful multi-leveled experience that helps the emotional brain open up to rewiring. Continue being curious about your circuit. This is an important time. You may feel like a trapeze artist who is in mid-air. You know that you really got safety from your external solution long ago, in that moment when it was encoded. You also know for sure that substances cannot really give you the tenderness, love and cherishing that you need. You might be wondering how you can meet these needs, but that’s the 3rd stage of rewiring. Your most powerful step now is to focus on Stage 2. Does your Y really meet your deepest needs? Emotional evolution is most powerful when we’re “staying in mid-air.” Nurture yourself during this time, and the circuit will begin to crumble. You will begin to reap the rewards of your hard work. As the drive fades, you have more freedom to meet your true needs.
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What I learned: _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________
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Connection Pause and reflect on the circle of support you are creating in your EBT work. With your Personal Connections, consider reapproaching those who are closer to you and opening the discussion about how you can collaborate. Also, sharing your gratitude about the support they have given you so far, and not expecting them to do this perfectly are key. Also, re-evaluate your Community Connections, and notice ways that you can make them more helpful, such as connecting with them during moments when your stress mounts and you really need to do a Cycle!
Website Support: www.ebt.org Check In Line: 877-765-4JOY Freedom Line 855-422-FREE
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My Progress Create My Day: “I am creating JOY in my life.”
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My Progress Create My Day: “I am creating JOY in my life.”
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How many Joy Points do I need to turn off the drive to overeat?
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My Progress Create My Day: “I am creating JOY in my life.”
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Taking Belly Breaths is my Check In about half the time.
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My Progress Create My Day: “I am creating JOY in my life.”
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I am frying that wire. I want FREEDOM!
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My Progress Create My Day: “I am creating JOY in my life.”
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Week 3 Progress Daily Points Average daily points this week? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 Progress: Needs Work Good
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Freedom Assume your drive for excess is a 10 to start. What was it this week? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 Progress: Needs Work Good Great
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Emotional Housecleaning I feel angry that ___________________________. I feel sad that ____________________________. I feel afraid that ___________________________. I feel guilty that ___________________________. I feel grateful that _________________________. I feel happy that __________________________. I feel secure that __________________________. I feel proud that __________________________. Collect a Joy Point! 160