Chapter 4
Integrity Doing the right thing
161
About Integrity That feeling you get in your body, in your gut, when you know you’re doing the right thing brings a surge of pleasure. Survival of the species is based on our being sensitive to the body signs that tell us when we are going astray and when we are doing the right thing. When we’re at Brain State 1, we easily pick up on those signals and we have the passion and focus to follow through. Nobody does the right thing all the time, as in Brain State 5 we deal with strong drives to get what we want when we want it. We know precisely what the right thing is: to survive. As we learn more about the brain, the wisdom of the world’s religions — like the Golden Rule — makes even more sense. Who doesn’t go to Brain State 5 and who isn’t chemically affected there, making it really hard to be perfect all the time! So endless compassion and a willingness to forgive is encoded in our genes. The reward of Integrity is so powerful that it gives us the power to do the right thing even when it is difficult. Just bring it to mind to get a Power Boost.
162
I was at Brain State 3, irritated with a customer. What do I expect of myself? To be kind. What is my reward? Integrity. Instant Joy point, and being kind was easy.
Emotional Evolution: Purpose The fourth stage of emotional evolution is purpose. If we do exist, are not bad and have power, then what do we do with it? If we have been raised in stress or have suffered some difficult losses along the way, the brain encodes the expectation: I cannot do good. This expectation is very important because even though our conscious mind believes we are free, the emotional brain with its unconscious memory systems obeys these circuits. We work hard, but just at the moment when we need to dig deeper and do good, we unconsciously let go, and surrender to our unconscious mind. Those early wires are emotional, and until we are aware of them, bringing them to conscious memory and with emotional gusto re-encode them, they continue to live inside us and block our joy. The fourth Grind In is: Core Expectation: I can do good. Essential Pain: It takes work. Earned Reward: Integrity
163
Spotlight: Quick Cycles! What’s particularly great about this tool is that once you have learned how to recognize your emotions, it only takes 2 minutes to use this tool. That’s 2 minutes to get from being stressed to feeling good – or great! You don’t have to use it perfectly. Just jump in! The key to making this tool work is to feel your feelings. Emotions open up wires so that you can rewire that knot of stress! Use short, choppy sentences because they are more emotional. When you begin, appreciate that even though your stress seems perfectly justified, it usually is caused by an old memory. That old memory is a wire encoding a basic expectation about life that is not reasonable. You are nabbing a circuit. A circuit is a result of an unreasonable expectation. They form during stress. A moment of stress has a way of creating an unreasonable expectation. Something may have been true for a moment – when we were in stress – but the wire tells us that it is true all the time. So using the Cycle Tool means expressing your feelings until that unreasonable expectation becomes clear to you. After you express your feelings, you’ll ask yourself, “What’s my unreasonable expectation?” At first, you 164
may not nab it. You’ll think, “I don’t know!” However if you pause for a moment, and ask yourself again, often that unreasonable expectation will pop into your mind. Here is an example of a Quick Cycle:
Jayla’s Cycle Step 1. Just the Facts The situation is that my husband is stressed about money, and he is not nice. I am not nice. We are both on edge. (Notice that Jayla did not express her feelings. She just stated the facts. Perfect! When the feelings were strong in her body, she moved to the next step. She started expressing them.) Step 2. Nab the Stress Circuit I feel angry . . . that he is so nasty. I feel angry that he doesn’t listen to me. I feel ANGRY that he doesn’t pay attention to me.
I feel sad . . . I feel sad that I am alone. I feel sad that I don’t have support. I feel afraid . . . it won’t get better. I feel guilty . . . that I nag him. My unreasonable expectation: 165
(Notice that Jayla must pause here. At first, she did not know what her unreasonable expectation was. It helps to do this with another person listening as their presence eases your stress and can make it easier to pause and wait for the unreasonable expectation to appear in your mind. You can do these Cycles in your Joy Connections if you want to do so. Watch . . . now she got it!)
My unreasonable expectation is that he must be perfect. Step 3. Create a New Circuit (Jayla’s reasonable expectation is usually the same as her unreasonable one, with the word “not” inserted.) He does not have to be perfect. Step 4. Strengthen the Circuit He does NOT have to be perfect.
He does not have to be perfect. He doesn’t have to be perfect. HE does not have to be PERFECT. He doesn’t have to be perfect. HE DOESN’T HAVE TO BE PERFECT. He does not have to be PERFECT. HE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE PERFECT!!! 166
I DON’T HAVE TO BE PERFECT. NOR DOES HE! HE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE PERFECT. I feel better. In fact, I feel great! Thank you for listening.
167
Why Negative Feelings are Good At Brain State 4, negative feelings are strong. If we fear our anger, it might turn into hostility. If we fear our sadness, it could turn into depression. That is why many people turn off their feelings. They think it is not safe to feel negative feelings. The Cycle Tool changes that. If you express all four feelings — anger, sadness, fear and guilt — they balance one another. The negative feelings aren’t dangerous. Fear of them increases stress. In fact, feeling them melts the stress. As you use this tool over time, you’ll find the source of your stress. You’ll uncover the unreasonable expectation that’s making the situation more stressful. You can only find that wire by feeling your feelings. What you feel, you can heal!
168
Kevin’s Cycle Step 1. Just the Facts My eating is out of hand. I am craving sugar and I think I gained 2 pounds in the last week. I’m out of control. Step 2. Nab the Stress Circuit I HATE it that I eat so much.
I can’t stand it that I am fat. I am FURIOUS that I have no control. I HATE it that I eat so much. I feel sad I eat so much. I feel afraid I’ll keep gaining weight. I feel guilty that I am bad. What’s my unreasonable expectation? I am a bad person. Step 3. Create A New Circuit What is my reasonable expectation?
I’m a good person. That doesn’t ring true. What does ring true? I am NOT a bad person. That’s better. That feels right.
169
Step 4. Strengthen the Circuit Just because I overeat, doesn’t mean I’m a bad person.
I am NOT a bad person. I am not a bad person. I am not bad. I am NOT BAD. I am not BAD, just because I overeat. I am not BAD. I am not bad. I am not bad. I AM NOT BAD! Ha! That feels great. I’m at Brain State 1. That’s strange. I don’t feel hungry. Food isn’t that interesting to me. I think I’ll go shoot some hoops.
170
Freedom This week we’ll focus on the next stage of re-encoding the Survival Circuit . . . Re-wiring the Circuit Let’s move on to Stage 3 and transform the circuit. All along you’ve been creating joy in your life, building those circuits that create connection in the brain and surges of pleasure in the body. Even after the sobering truth becomes crystal clear that any external solution will not meet your true needs for safety, tenderness, love and meaning, you may miss the chemical wallop. A false high in the brain’s reward centers is rewarding! If the brain’s reward centers have been hijacked by those extreme highs and lows, natural pleasures may not satisfy us.
It makes me sad that I go to overeat, and I don’t want the food. Yes, it’s freedom, but I need to fill in the gap, and give myself more natural pleasures. I’m not sure where to begin. I miss the drama of sneaking a drink, stealing away to get boozed up and the delicious self-flagellation afterwards. If nothing else, it was familiar. It was how I lived. 171
I could always count on food. Whenever I wanted comfort, I ate. I ate my way to 360 pounds. Food was definitely reliable. I guess the rules apply to me. If I go for external solutions there is a price to pay. My reward? Vibrancy and sanctuary, but I cannot say I do not miss it. What I’m most stressed about is that cigarettes don’t do it for me anymore. I’ve stopped wanting them. Now I have to figure out what will do it for me. I’m creating joy in my life. I focus on the JOY, and the drive disappears. It vanishes, except when my husband goes on trips, and then it comes back. I need more support, and a few dozen Cycles. Fortunately, you can use the Cycle Tool or Emotional Housecleaning to process the loss and ease the discomfort of transitions from artificial rewards to natural rewards.
172
Melanie’s Cycle Step 1. Just the Facts What I’m most stressed about is that sugar doesn’t do it for me anymore. And I don’t know what does. Step 2. Nab the Stress Circuit I feel angry that I have nothing to rely on.
I hate it that EBT ruined sugar for me. I can’t stand it that I can’t obsess about food anymore. I feel sad that I have lost my friend. I feel sad that I have nothing left. I feel afraid I am going to start overeating again. I feel guilty that I don’t have a clue how to please myself except with sugar. My unreasonable expectation? I cannot trust myself. I have to do this perfectly. I have to have all the answers now. I can never again overeat. The drive to eat sugar will be turned off forever and perfectly. (Laughing) Wow, There are a lot of unreasonable expectations there, however, the one I want to rewire right now is . . .
173
Step 3. Create a New Circuit I can trust myself. I can connect to my Sanctuary. Step 4. Strengthen the Circuit I can trust myself. I can trust myself. I can trust myself. I can trust myself. I can connect to my Sanctuary. I can trust myself. I really can trust myself. I really can trust myself. I have the tools to trust myself. I have the tools to connect with myself. I have the tools to connect to my Sanctuary. I can trust myself. I can trust myself. I CAN TRUST MYSELF! I CAN TRUST MYSELF!! I CAN TRUST MYSELF!!!
174
Dave’s Emotional Housecleaning Just the Facts The situation is that I have been sober for a month, and I have rewired that circuit, but I know that I am far from wired for freedom. I am going to continue with EBT, but I feel wobbly right now. I feel on edge. I’m at about Brain State 3.5. I’m going to try Emotional Housecleaning. Natural Flow of Feelings I feel angry that . . . I am alone. I feel angry that I don’t know what to do. I hate it that my parents were so mixed up. I hate it that I am stuck with these old wires. I can’t stand it that I can’t get my safety from alcohol, which makes me sad . . .
I feel sad that . . . my relationship with alcohol is coming to an end. I feel sad that I can’t get my artificial high. I feel sad that I don’t want that high . . except sometimes. I feel sad that my life is changing, which makes me afraid . . . I feel afraid that . . . I won’t get my needs met. I feel afraid that I will feel really alone. I feel afraid that I will feel lost. I feel afraid that I will start drinking again. I feel afraid that I’ll be addicted forever. I feel guilty that . . . I take the easy way out. I feel guilty that I don’t want to do the work to wire myself for freedom. 175
Actually, I feel a little better . . . I feel grateful that . . . I have my group. I feel grateful for our community. I feel grateful for the tools . . . I feel happy that . . . I feel healthy. I feel happy that my memory is clearer. I feel happy I have more energy . . . I feel secure that . . . I don’t have to be perfect. I feel secure that I have some tools. I feel secure that I can ask for support. I feel secure that I can rewire my brain. I feel proud that . . . I have not quit. I feel proud that I have turned off the drive — not perfectly, but a lot. I feel proud that I am creating more freedom in my life. Let’s be practical here. The reward centers may need to relearn how to access natural pleasures, as they may have been “hijacked” by repeated episodes of abnormal highs and lows in neurotransmitters from addictive substances. This is a wiring issue, but wiring triggers chemicals to surge through our bodies and brains. We need pleasure. We need rewards, so let’s ramp them up. This takes time, patience, and training. You have almost completed this basic training in EBT, and you can look forward to moving up your brain’s emotional set point even more in the advanced kits. You have your EBT group and community to hold you through that process. 176
Right now, let’s focus on figuring out how you will get the safety you need. Our genes are primed for tribal closeness, but to experience those natural pleasures of connection, the first step is to secure that connection to ourselves.
My Survival Circuit Progress Stage 3. Transform the Circuit Strategies Identify your Z: ) GET MY 8 FROM ???????????? Consider where you get your safety. The only security we really have is the safety from connecting with ourselves. The only sustainable joy is the joy we create inside ourselves. What is your Z? I get my X from my Z: connecting with myself the Sanctuary within me being present and aware my spiritual connection Other: _______________________
177
Grind it in 10 times daily: I get my X from Z The emotional brain changes with repeated experiences, so saying it repeatedly will begin to wire it into your unconscious mind. Improve the quality of your Check Ins Be aware of your nurturing inner voice and the quality of your Check Ins. Notice how your relationship with yourself is changing; it is more loving. More of the time you see yourself, really feel your feelings and listen to your nurturing inner voice. Get hooked on joy Commit to creating intense natural pleasure in your life. The brain’s reward centers are activated by novelty, connection and splendor. Find a “Joy Buddy” and go on adventures together. Revel in sensual pleasures. Recharge your love life. Dance, sing, behold nature, draw, paint, build, and play. Revel in creating joy surges each and every day. Give yourself a Power Burst Bring to mind your reward. When you began this program, you identified a reward that you most wanted: Sanctuary, Authenticity, Vibrancy, Integrity, Intimacy, Spirituality or Freedom. If you want a power burst, just bring it to mind!
178
Use your Grind In with Others You have worked really hard to have more freedom in your life. You have done an amazing job to create more moments of natural pleasure. Share your joy. State your Grind In during Personal Connections and Community Connections. Celebrate your joy!
I decided that I am getting up at 5 am to see the sun rise and go for a run. It’s dark out, and I love the cold air. It’s a natural high after about 10 minutes. I love it. It’s a stressed out world. People are hooked on stress and on artificial rewards. I am creating freedom in my life. There will be ups and downs, but I am creating joy in my life! The community is a big part of this. My Wired for Freedom EBT Buddies are special in my life. I’m VERY proud of what I am doing. The drives to overeat aren’t gone, but they are tamed. They are not howling at me anymore. I’ve lost 10 pounds, and I’m going to stick with it. I am quitting my second job, as I can’t live that way anymore. Lifestyle matters. I get my safety from connecting with myself and my family. I am spending more time with my 4-year-old, and I am beginning to see my wife in a new way. It’s a slow process, but I’m committed to being wired at Brain State 1. 179
Freedom from My Survival Circuit Stage 3. Transform the Circuit I get my “X� ___________________________ from “Z� ___________________________. I used the following strategies to gain freedom from that circuit: ) DID THE 'RIND )N TIMES DAILY ) GET MY 8 FROM : I improved the quality of my Check Ins. I chose these ways to get hooked on joy: _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________ I gave myself a Power Burst, bringing to mind my reward. I used my Grind In with others. You are grabbing hold of a new trapeze, wiring your brain for a secure connection to yourself, and an abundance of joy in your daily life. This is a messy, challenging process. It is not over, but your brain’s habit center (basal ganglia) is learning. 180
Each time you exercise, eat Joy Foods, connect to the sanctuary within, and use all the tools you have learned so far, your brain is changing. At some point a new habit of how you relate to yourself, to others and to the spiritual forms. At some point the new lifestyle of natural pleasures satisfies you in increasingly profound ways. Nurture yourself during this time. Give yourself plenty of Joy Points, and some Power Bursts; bring to mind the reason you are doing this work, the eudonic reward that matters to you. The circuit will begin to transform. Right now you are doing a lot of work, but you are not alone, and in time your brain will do that work for you — because you will have rewired your own emotional brain. Listen either on the Freedom Line 1-855-422-FREE or the e-course on the website www.ebt.org. What I learned: _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________ 181
Connection Continue connecting daily with a friend, co-worker, family member or EBT Buddy even for 3 minutes to motivate you to practice the tools more often. You might also decide to listen to one another check in or use the tools. If you do, use the EBT Guidelines to enhance safety and effectiveness. These are: Nurturing Voice Use a nurturing voice toward yourself and others. The foundation of EBT is love and compassion. Avoid Intrusions Do not interrupt them or give unasked-for advice. Just be a warm presence for them while they use the tools. This emotional connection makes it easier for them to use the tools. Connecting Messages After they do a Cycle, give back by sharing the emotions you felt as you listened (e.g., When you did that Cycle, I felt really angry, then when you got to Brain State 1, I felt . . . great. Thank you.) Be Positive Offer no judgments or criticisms. The feelings expressed are shared during a moment of stress. The person wouldn’t have the same feelings or thoughts 182
when in a balanced state. The opportunity to use the tools during stress and in the presence of another person who is warm and safe to be with brings the best results. Stay Focused Do not mention other programs or products. When using the method in a group or community, keep the focus on practicing the EBT method. Confidentiality Commit to anonymity and confidentiality.
Website Support: www.ebt.org Check In Line: 877-765-4JOY Freedom Line 855-422-FREE
183
My Check Ins My State
Tools Used
Got To
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
I meditate for 10 minutes after work.
184
My Progress Create My Day: “I am creating JOY in my life.”
Check-Ins
Check Ins
1
2
3
4
Joy Points
1 1
2 2
3 3
4 4
5
6
Check-Ins Joy Points 5 5
6 6
Exercise (60 minutes)
7
8
9
10
7 7
8 8
9 9
10 10
9
10
Joy Points
Sanctuary Time (10 minutes or more)
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
Joy Foods (90%: Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner) Balancing Sleep (8 or more hours) Awaken Hungry (Body in Balance) _____ Total Points Today
Today’s Connection was with: _______________________________________ Biggest Accomplishment Today: _______________________________________ 185
My Check Ins My State
Tools Used
Got To
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
Today I laughed with my husband — belly laughs!
186
My Progress Create My Day: “I am creating JOY in my life.”
Check-Ins
Check Ins
1
2
3
4
Joy Points
1 1
2 2
3 3
4 4
5
6
Check-Ins Joy Points 5 5
6 6
Exercise (60 minutes)
7
8
9
10
7 7
8 8
9 9
10 10
9
10
Joy Points
Sanctuary Time (10 minutes or more)
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
Joy Foods (90%: Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner) Balancing Sleep (8 or more hours) Awaken Hungry (Body in Balance) _____ Total Points Today
Today’s Connection was with: _______________________________________ Biggest Accomplishment Today: _______________________________________ 187
My Check Ins My State
Tools Used
Got To
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
“I am creating JOY in my life.”
188
My Progress Create My Day: “I am creating JOY in my life.”
Check-Ins
Check Ins
1
2
3
4
Joy Points
1 1
2 2
3 3
4 4
5
6
Check-Ins Joy Points 5 5
6 6
Exercise (60 minutes)
7
8
9
10
7 7
8 8
9 9
10 10
9
10
Joy Points
Sanctuary Time (10 minutes or more)
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
Joy Foods (90%: Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner) Balancing Sleep (8 or more hours) Awaken Hungry (Body in Balance) _____ Total Points Today
Today’s Connection was with: _______________________________________ Biggest Accomplishment Today: _______________________________________ 189
My Check Ins My State
Tools Used
Got To
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
We decided to go for the Joy Foods. I’m not hungry anymore. I’m losing weight. 190
My Progress Create My Day: “I am creating JOY in my life.”
Check-Ins
Check Ins
1
2
3
4
Joy Points
1 1
2 2
3 3
4 4
5
6
Check-Ins Joy Points 5 5
6 6
Exercise (60 minutes)
7
8
9
10
7 7
8 8
9 9
10 10
9
10
Joy Points
Sanctuary Time (10 minutes or more)
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
Joy Foods (90%: Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner) Balancing Sleep (8 or more hours) Awaken Hungry (Body in Balance) _____ Total Points Today
Today’s Connection was with: _______________________________________ Biggest Accomplishment Today: _______________________________________ 191
My Check Ins My State
Tools Used
Got To
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
1
2
3
4
5
ST FC EH C DC
1
Ac
When I have a craving, I use the Craving Zapper.
192
My Progress Create My Day: “I am creating JOY in my life.”
Check-Ins
Check Ins
1
2
3
4
Joy Points
1 1
2 2
3 3
4 4
5
6
Check-Ins Joy Points 5 5
6 6
Exercise (60 minutes)
7
8
9
10
7 7
8 8
9 9
10 10
9
10
Joy Points
Sanctuary Time (10 minutes or more)
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
Joy Foods (90%: Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner) Balancing Sleep (8 or more hours) Awaken Hungry (Body in Balance) _____ Total Points Today
Today’s Connection was with: _______________________________________ Biggest Accomplishment Today: _______________________________________ 193
Week 4 Progress Daily Points Average daily points this week? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 Progress: Needs Work Good
8 Great
Freedom Assume your drive for excess is a 10 to start. What was it this week? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 Progress: Needs Work Good Great
10
Emotional Housecleaning I feel angry that ___________________________. I feel sad that ____________________________. I feel afraid that ___________________________. I feel guilty that ___________________________. I feel grateful that _________________________. I feel happy that __________________________. I feel secure that __________________________. I feel proud that __________________________. Collect a Joy Point! 194