Chapter 4
Integrity Doing the right thing
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About Integrity Have you ever noticed how great it feels when you are kind to someone or go to great effort to do the right thing? Our brain is wired to give us surges of pleasure when we do something good. It’s wired into our brain to get spurts of dopamine (a feel-good chemical), as being of love and service is associated with the survival of the species. Consider experimenting with giving yourself these chemical surges. Also, notice how the brain is wired to send messages to the body when we are about to do something that isn’t good. We get this gut feel, and know what we need: to check In.
Yesterday I was at Brain State 3 and about to make a nasty remark to my co-worker. I got that bad feeling in my stomach. I checked in and was aware of the sanctuary within. I was aware of the reward I wanted more than I wanted the pleasure of making that remark: Integrity. The drive to make that remark evaporated. Whenever I want a power boost, I check in and get to BrainState 1. Then I bring to mind why I am doing it. Often, it’s Integrity. Just holding that thought swamps the stress. I become this force field of joy, and I can do great things with less effort. 94
Spotlight: Quick Cycles! What’s particularly great about this tool is that once you have learned how to recognize your emotions, it only takes 2 minutes to use this tool. That’s 2 minutes to get from being stressed to feeling good – or great! You don’t have to use it perfectly. Just jump in! The key to making this tool work is to feel your feelings. Emotions open up wires so that you can rewire that knot of stress! Use short, choppy sentence because they are more emotional. When you begin, appreciate that even though your stress seems perfectly justified, it usually is caused by an old memory. That old memory is a wire encoding a basic expectation about life that is not reasonable. You are nabbing a circuit. A circuit is a result of an unreasonable expectation. They form during stress. A moment of stress has a way of creating an unreasonable expectation. Something may have been true for a moment – when we were in stress – but the wire tells us that it is true all the time. So using the Cycle Tool means expressing your feelings until that unreasonable expectation becomes clear to you. After you express your feelings, you’ll ask yourself, “What’s my unreasonable expectation?” At first, you 95
may not nab it. You’ll think, “I don’t know!” However if you pause for a moment, and ask yourself again, often that unreasonable expectation will pop into your mind. Here is an example of a Quick Cycle:
Jayla’s Cycle Step 1. Just the Facts The situation is that my husband is stressed about money, and he is not nice. I am not nice. We are both on edge. (Notice that Jayla did not express her feelings. She just stated the facts. Perfect! When the feelings were strong in her body, she moved to the next step. She started expressing them.) Step 2. Nab the Stress Circuit I feel angry . . . that he is so nasty. I feel angry that he doesn’t listen to me. I feel ANGRY that he doesn’t pay attention to me.
I feel sad . . . I feel sad that I am alone. I feel sad that I don’t have support. I feel afraid . . . it won’t get better. I feel guilty . . . that I nag him. My unreasonable expectation: 96
(Notice that Jayla must pause here. At first, she did not know what her unreasonable expectation was. It helps to do this with another person listening as their presence eases your stress and can make it easier to pause and wait for the unreasonable expectation to appear in your mind. You can do these Cycles in your Joy Connections if you want to do so. Watch . . . now she got it!)
My unreasonable expectation is that he must be perfect. Step 3. Create a New Circuit (Jayla’s reasonable expectation is usually the same as her reasonable one, with the word “not” inserted.) He does not have to be perfect. Step 4. Strengthen the Circuit He does NOT have to be perfect.
He does not have to be perfect. He doesn’t have to be perfect. HE does not have to be PERFECT. He doesn’t have to be perfect. HE DOESN’T HAVE TO BE PERFECT. He does not have to be PERFECT. HE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE PERFECT!!! 97
I DON’T HAVE TO BE PERFECT. NOR DOES HE! HE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE PERFECT. I feel better. In fact, I feel great! Thank you for listening.
Why Negative Feelings are Good At Brain State 4, negative feelings are strong. If we fear our anger, it might turn into hostility. If we fear our sadness, it could turn into depression. That is why many people turn off their feelings. They think it is not safe to feel negative feelings. The Cycle Tool changes that. If you express all four feelings – anger, sadness, fear and guilt – they balance one another. The negative feelings aren’t dangerous. Fear of them increases stress. In fact, feeling them melts the stress. As you use this tool over time, you’ll find the source of your stress. You’ll uncover the unreasonable expectation that’s making the situation more stressful. You can only find that wire by feeling your feelings. What you feel, you can heal!
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Dave’s Cycle Step 1. Just the Facts My eating is out of hand. I am craving sugar and I think I gained 2 pounds in the last week. I’m out of control. Step 2. Nab the Stress Circuit I HATE it that I eat so much.
I can’t stand it that I am fat. I am FURIOUS that I have no control. I HATE it that I eat so much. I feel sad I eat so much. I feel afraid I’ll keep gaining weight I feel guilty that I am bad. What’s my unreasonable expectation? I am a bad person. What is my reasonable expectation? I’m a good person. That doesn’t ring true. What does ring true? I am NOT a bad person. That’s better. That feels right.
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Step 4. Strengthen the Circuit Just because I overeat, doesn’t mean I’m a bad person.
I am NOT a bad person. I am not a bad person. I am not bad. I am NOT BAD. I am not BAD, just because I overeat. I am not BAD. I am not bad. I am not bad. I AM NOT BAD! Ha! That feels great. I’m at Brain State 1. That’s strange. I don’t feel hungry. Food isn’t that interesting to me. I think I’ll go shoot some hoops.
Emotional Evolution: Purpose The fourth core circuit of emotional evolution is based on purpose. These circuits are building upon one another, because it takes having safety inside, awareness that we are not bad and clarity about the power we hold in our lives to have the clarity and 100
energy to do the work needed to fulfill your purpose in life. In that moment of stress, the false generalization that is encoded in the brain is: I cannot do good. To rewire it, you can do another Grind In. First state the reasonable expectation, then the essential pain, and finally the earned reward you will receive for accepting it. Core Expectation: I can do good. Essential Pain: It takes work. Earned Reward: Integrity
Somewhere along the line I got discouraged. I stopped trying, and lost confidence. Saying this Grind In: I can do good things. Sure, it takes work, but the payoff? Integrity . . . bumps me up about 2 brain states. I grew up with perfectionism, and whatever I did it was not enough. I love this Grind In. I don’t have to do everything perfectly. I don’t need to be an A student. I can do good in the world. I have to play by the rules, but I can do that! I want that feeling of being in integrity.
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Brain Fitness Exercise If you have been exercising for endurance, using the major muscle groups, consider adding some activities that build strength. Part of being wired at Brain State 1 is honoring and celebrating your body. It’s that Body Joy that amplifies our pleasure and makes us feel even more whole and more vibrant. Joy Foods Eating lean protein foods can have significant impacts on blood sugar and appetite. A slice of turkey and a few baby carrots mid-afternoon can keep your insulin levels low and your blood sugar up for hours. Identify the protein foods you like and find ways to include them in your meals and snacks. Beans and milk are not on this list because they were not eaten by our ancestors and may not be compatible with our genes. Our genes have changed very little in the last 1 million years, so we may not be biologically equipped to digest them. Eating more of these foods makes sense, but who wants to feel hemmed in by the compulsive need to eat healthy? Instead vow to eat Joy Foods you like, but always to honor your need for Stress Foods. If you really want them, then have them without judgment, and savor every bite. 102
Lean Protein Fish & Shellfish: Poultry & Meat: Barramundi Canadian bacon Calamari Chicken breast Clams Chicken drumsticks Cod Chicken deli meat Crab Chicken, ground Halibut Chicken thighs, skinless Haddock Beef round steak Herring, Atlantic Beef ground round Mackerel, Atlantic Beef flank steak Mahi-mahi Beef sirloin tip roast Mussels Buffalo Ono Ham, all fat removed Oysters, farmed Ham deli meat Prawns Pork chops, lean Red snapper Pork tenderloin Salmon, Alaskan, wild Sausage links, low-fat Sardines Turkey, ground Scallops, farmed Turkey breast Shrimp Turkey deli meat Sole Veal, lean Squid Venison Tilapia Other: Trout Egg Tuna, albacore Egg whites Tuna, yellow fin Egg substitute Protein powder, artificial sweetener free 103
Connection Continue connecting daily with a friend, co-worker, family member or EBT Buddy even for 3 minutes to motivate you to practice the tools more often. You might also decide to listen to one another check in or use the tools. If you do, use the EBT Guidelines to enhance safety and effectiveness. These are: Nurturing Voice Use a nurturing voice toward yourself and others. The foundation of EBT is love and compassion. Avoid Intrusions Do not interrupt them or give unasked-for advice. Just be a warm presence for them while they use the tools. This emotional connection makes it easier for them to use the tools. Connecting Messages After they do a Cycle, give back by sharing the emotions you felt as you listened (e.g., When you did that Cycle, I felt really angry, then when you got to Brain State 1, I felt . . . great. Thank you.) Be Positive Offer no judgments or criticisms. The feelings expressed are shared during a moment of stress. The person wouldn’t have the same feelings or thoughts 104
when in a balanced state. The opportunity to use the tools during stress and in the presence of another person who is warm and safe to be with brings the best results. Stay Focused Do not mention other programs or products. When using the method in a group or community, keep the focus on practicing the EBT method. Confidentiality Commit to anonymity and confidentiality.
Website Support: www.ebt.org Check In Line: 877-765-4JOY
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