Chapter 6
Spirituality Aware of the grace, beauty and mystery of life
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About Spirituality When our brain is in balance, we are naturally aware of the grace, beauty and mystery of life. In EBT, spirituality is whatever you define it to be. However, when the brain is in balance, a sense of connection comes naturally. We have no needs. We are just in awe – at the sunset, at the spider web in the corner of the room, at the freedom we feel to love and be loved.
Spotlight: Emotional Housecleaning Tool The Emotional Housecleaning Tool is very effective at clearing away emotional clutter. However, most people find one of the feelings challenging to feel. Particularly when that feeling is a negative one, it can stop the natural flow of feelings that brings wisdom and healing. If emotional fitness with any of these four feelings is low, another negative feeling goes out of balance . . . or feelings may shut down altogether. Then we are left only with over-thinking or running marathons (in work, love or play). When we are not trained early in life that anger is safe and good, then often sadness turns into depression. If we can’t feel fear, then we may take unwise risks and end up feeling shame. A robust 148
“I feel guilty . . .� skill is essential to learning from our mistakes. So please take a moment and identify the one feeling that is most challenging for you to feel. Consider doing a Cycle about it to ease your stress, then practicing it daily for a week. Notice any improvements in your emotional fitness level for that feeling. Do that for one positive feeling and one negative feeling. The negative feeling that I will practice and strengthen: I feel angry that . . I feel sad that . . . I feel afraid that . . . I feel guilty that . . . The positive feeling that I will practice and strengthen: I feel grateful that . . . I feel happy that . . . I feel secure that . . . I feel proud that . . .
I’m going to pump up my I feel angry skill, and do a Cycle about having it not be OK for me to be angry.
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Cycles Strengthen “Missing Feelings” One of the basic rules of doing Cycles is that you don’t stop until you POP to Brain State 1. Only then do you know that you have rewired, for the dopamine pop means that you are locking in the new, effective wires. Plus, you are at Brain State 1 and a beacon of light. Your joy is contagious through the mirror neurons of others. Your joy is your gift to them, as they catch that optimal brain state. If you don’t pop when you state the new reasonable expectation, then just create a limit. This means finding a reasonable expectation and supporting it with positive thoughts. Next is identifying the essential pain, and finally rewarding yourself with one of the higher order rewards (eudonic rewards). These rewards pop us to Brain State 1 because the survival of the species is based on our accessing them – and the compassion and wisdom they provide. The web tools at www.ebt.org will guide you through that process. Many people turn off their feelings because they were taught it is not safe to feel negative feelings. The Cycle Tool changes that. If you express all four feelings – anger, sadness, fear and guilt – they balance one another. 150
Sue’s Cycle Step 1. Just the Facts It wasn’t OK to be angry around my house. Boys could be angry. The girls had to be nice. Sad was OK, but not angry. Step 2. Nab the Stress Circuit I feel angry . . . actually I feel sad.
I feel sad that I can’t get angry. I HATE IT that I can’t get angry. I feel FURIOUS that they shamed me if I was angry. I feel afraid I will never honor my anger. I feel guilty that I give up and just get depressed. My unreasonable expectation: My unreasonable expectation is that I could stuff my anger and be a happy person! Ha! That’s not reasonable! Step 3. Create a New Circuit It’s OK to be angry at times. Step 4. Strengthen the Circuit It’s OK to be angry at times.
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I have a right to my anger. I have a right to my anger. Like all people, I can be angry at times. Like all people, I can be angry at times. Like all people I can be angry at times. Like all people, I can be ANGRY at times! It is OK to be angry at times. IT IS OK TO BE ANGRY AT TIMES! It is OK to be angry at times. That feels GREAT!
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Emotional Evolution: Desire The sixth core circuit of emotional evolution is based on desire. In that moment of stress, when our greatest desire is to feel worthy, we feel undeserving. Therefore, we push away the bounty of life that could be ours for the taking. We cannot receive … it feels wrong and unsafe. The false generalization that is encoded in the brain is: I am not worthy. To rewire it, you can do another Grind In. First state the reasonable expectation, then the essential pain, and finally the earned reward you will receive for accepting it. Core Expectation: I am worthy. Essential Pain: I must receive. Earned Reward: Spirituality
I give and give until I am empty, then I get depressed and feel powerless. This Grind In has been great. When I’m in Brain State 4 and feeling worthless, I start from the first circuit and build to this one: I do exist. I am not bad. I have power. I can do good. I can love. I am worthy. It’s an emotional anchor for me. 153
Brain Fitness Exercise It’s time to play! Who wants a parent, partner or best friend who has forgotten how to wiggle their toes in sand, shoot hoops, dance their #@* off or sing in the shower? Let’s play. Moments of exercise only count if you are being playful, laughing out loud, being silly or having a GREAT time! Stress Foods The rest of the foods (those not listed previously) are considered Stress Foods. Research at UCSF conducted by stress researcher Mary Dallman, PhD revealed that these foods can quiet the amygdala, the Worry Circuit. However, they are also apt to wreak havoc on the body, ramping up inflammation, insulin, blood pressure, appetite, cravings and more when they are consumed in excess. The most important thing about Stress Foods is to never deny yourself the right to eat them. Excessive restraint just fuels overeating. If you really need Stress Foods, then by all means have them. In EBT, the advanced courses include training in how to rewire the circuits that ramp up the desire for various excesses. Once the emotional drive for Stress Foods eases, then the drama is over. The desire passes and Joy Foods satisfy us more of the time. 154
Sanctuary Time Continue with EBT Sanctuary Time practice, and take solo time to use this tool … take a 10 minute vacation and emotionally and spiritually connect with yourself. Setting limits so that you have this time is really important, as it is a statement not only to yourself, but to those close to you that your inner peace and power are worth supporting. Sleep As your stress eases and you experience more joy in daily life, be sure you get enough sleep. The national average for hours of sleep continues to dwindle, now down to less than seven. Sleep deprivation impacts brain function, arouses emotional shut downs and promotes getting “triggered” easily, and causes memory andconcentration problems, as well. What’s more, there is a strong link between obesity and sleep duration. Sleep deprivation decreases levels of leptin, which suppresses appetite, and increases levels of ghrelin, a chemical that ramps up hunger, especially for Stress Foods. Why are so many people sleep deprived? It may be overworking or anxiety, but often it is distractions, staying up to watch television, go online or play 155
computer games. All these things are enticing artificial rewards. Track your sleep this week, aiming for 8 hours or more.
Connection Continue connecting daily even for 3 minutes to motivate you to practice the tools more often. Check in by telephone, email, or text and share your number of Check Ins, minutes exercised and, if you had a Joy Point, then share it.
Website Support: www.ebt.org Check In Line: 877-765-4JOY
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Chapter 7
Freedom The drives for common excesses fade
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About Freedom When you have the skill to create Sanctuary and all the rewards that come from that, then the drives for common excesses fade. You have freedom. The Unreasonable Expectations that you have been learning about in this course have kept us stressed. These are wires of false generalizations that were wired at Brain State 4. However, there are other circuits, which are even deeper and more powerful. They are wires encoded during moments at Brain State 5. They form false associations between safety and whatever we reached for in the moment; we associated our survival with whatever that external substance or behavior was. As long as these “Survival Circuits” remain, they tend to generate more of the other Stress Circuits, and common excesses do not fade. The advanced EBT courses (“EBT Kits”) include learning how to rewire Survival Circuits, and securing lasting and profound results with EBT. Most of us have three Survival Circuits: a mood we get stuck in, a relationship pattern, and a behavior that we want to stop, but we can’t seem to shake it off for good.
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Rewiring these emotional circuits is such a freeing experience because we are not forcing ourselves to “give up” a pattern. Instead we are erasing or weakening the emotional wire that drives it. You know you have erased the wire when the drive to overeat, to be hostile, to merge or distance has faded. Life is so much easier. We finally feel free. Consider the behavior, mood or relationship pattern that your brain goes to when in stress. If you decide to continue with the advanced courses, you can learn how to rewire these circuits. Most health problems, work problems and relationship problems are caused by our reactive responses when these circuits get triggered. Let’s rewire them!
My Emotional Survival Circuit When I am stressed, my mood turns to: Hostility Depression Anxiety Shame Numbness False Highs
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Other__________ None
My Relational Survival Circuit When I am stressed, I tend to: Merge with others and lose myself. Distance from others and isolate. Both Other__________ None
My Behavioral Survival Circuit When I am stressed, I tend to: Overeat Overwork Use Chemicals Overspend Use Technology Take Risks Other__________ None
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The EBT Kits begin with focusing on deepening the skills you learned in this basic course. Once those skills are solid, you will have an emotional safety net. You can process the feelings from these 5-state circuits. Rewiring these circuits makes changing easier and more lasting. Only emotions open these wires and enable you to rewire them. We can’t think our way out of a Survival Circuit. Please take a few moments to reflect on your Survival Circuits, even though rewiring them is beyond the scope of this course. The next course, EBT Kit 1: Sanctuary will give you more training in how to use these tools effectively. Becoming highly effective in using these emotional processing tools is an essential prerequisite to rewiring a Survival Circuit. EBT Kit 1 takes about 6 to 8 weeks to complete, and by that time, most people are eager begin EBT Kit 2: Authenticity, and learn how to rewire their first Survival Circuit. Right now, you can “date” one of your Survival Circuits. These circuits are encoded during stress, and you may be aware of when they were encoded. Identify one of your Survival Circuits and write below about when you think it was encoded. Being aware that this circuit is a leftover memory, an old wire, can be helpful. If you don’t know, that’s fine, too. As you 173
practice the tools, and connect with others, old wires will surface.
My Survival Circuit is getting stressed and eating. I think that was encoded in the womb. I have always had huge drives for sugary foods. I have no idea when my Survival Circuit was encoded. When I’m stressed, I distance. In terms of “dating” my circuit, I remember doing that as a teenager. I think it was encoded when I was about 12 years old. _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________
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Emotional Evolution: Wisdom The seventh core circuit of emotional evolution is based on wisdom. In that moment of stress, wisdom vanishes. We really, truly believe that we cannot have joy. Other people can have joy, but they ran out of it before they got to us. There was none left, and now what are we to do? The false generalization that is encoded in the brain is: I cannot have joy. To rewire it, you can do another Grind In. First state the reasonable expectation, then the essential pain, and finally the earned reward you will receive for accepting it. Core Expectation: I AM JOY. Essential Pain: I must give. Earned Reward: Freedom
When I am at Brain State 1, which happens rarely, I feel joy. Yet it’s more than that. I feel deeply wise. I KNOW in my heart of hearts that my very nature is joy, my essence is joy. Then it vanishes, but in that moment I AM JOY. And if I am JOY, then I have a lot to give. I can take joy in being of service, giving back. I don’t clutch possessions as tightly or worry as much 175
about work or my body. I feel free, really free to live my life and to feel that peace inside. I use the entire string of Grind Ins, including this one: I do exist. I am not bad. I do have power. I can do good. I can love. I am worthy. I AM JOY. Instant Joy Point there.
Biggest Accomplishment What is your biggest accomplishment in EBT Basics: Wired for Joy, the change you are most proud of and that is most meaningful to you? _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________
Biggest Challenge What is your biggest challenge in EBT Basics: Wired for Joy, the change you will focus on in the next week to get the best results? _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________ 176
The Power You Have Now that you know the basics, you can start using these techniques. If the emotional brain were logical, you would be all set. You’d have everything you need to get wired for joy. However, the emotional brain clings to old ways because they feel safe. Safety is this brain’s priority, for it is a very primitive part of us. So we developed the EBT Kits, the advanced courses that include journals, videos and audio programs for each 6-week course In EBT. This basic Pocket Journal is the preparation for those courses. Each is designed to build on the rewiring you did and the tools you learned in the previous ones. If you are already wired at Brain States 1 or 2, completing this course may be all you need. If you are wired for Brain States 3, 4 or 5, you will intend to use the tools, but it will be hard to follow through. The emotional brain is the ultimate tortoise. Move it too quickly and it revolts. Move it too slowly and it stays stuck in past ways. The EBT Kits give you a program to move up your set point and experience lasting results.
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Your Next Step EBT Kit 1: Sanctuary Use the tools from this course in highly effective ways so that your brain catches on to the joy habit. Learn how to create peace and safety from within, Sanctuary. EBT Kit 2: Authenticity Rewire your behavioral survival circuit (eating, spending, merging, drinking, etc.) so that the drive to use it weakens. Your set point moves up and you learn techniques to enhance self-acceptance, feeling whole and being genuine, and embody Authenticity. EBT Kit 3: Vibrancy Your emotional set point has improved and it is easier to change habits. You rewire your emotional survival circuit so that you stay in the balanced, positive emotions more often. Your reward? Feeling healthy with a zest for life, Vibrancy. EBT Kit 4: Integrity With your set point in the balanced range, you rewire your last survival circuit for relationships. You tell the story of your life as a way to heal even more deeply. Your health has improved in important ways. The drives to merge and distance fade. You are deeply happy. 178
EBT Kit 5: Intimacy Now that you have a solid foundation in connection with yourself, you can more easily connect with others. You have increased emotional closeness, sexual or sensual pleasures and loving companionship. EBT Kit 6: Spirituality At this point, you have an abundance of all the rewards, and complete the training now wired at Brain State 1. You learn techniques to “plug in� to the experience of your joy; your brain naturally moves through stress back to joy. You have a new sense of freedom in your life. Graduates After completing the course, you will have graduated from the program. However, many people find their EBT group so warm, entertaining and powerful that they continue with their group or coach periodically. Some become EBT Volunteers and bring these tools to others. Some, who are health professionals, complete additional training and offer EBT as their professional practice. Once you know and possess these tools, it is natural to want more people to know the power of the method and to see it transform their lives. 179
Your Plans Please identify the rewards you want from EBT, and plan your next step.
What I most want is sanctuary. I’m starting EBT Kit 1: Sanctuary right away. I’m getting into a telegroup. I am using the tools with my 9-year-old daughter. I taught her Emotional Housecleaning yesterday. The reward that is most important to me is freedom. I don’t want to crave sweets and I’m using EBT to lose weight. I’m starting on EBT Kit 1: Sanctuary and signed up for a local group with an EBT Coach. I am going to use the tools on my own for a while. I’m already wired at about 2, so this may be all I need. Time will tell. I am going to use the online community for support plus some coaching. What I want is to be wired at Brain State 1. I want to do that for my kids, and for myself. I will continue with the EBT Coach I had in this course.
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What is your plan for EBT? The reward I want from EBT:
Sanctuary Authenticity Vibrancy Integrity Intimacy Spirituality Freedom All the above: Wired at Brain State 1.
The timing that is right for me: Ready to go. I’ll order EBT Kit 1: Sanctuary now. I’m going to start EBT Kit 1: Sanctuary in a few weeks. I’m not sure. The support I will use:
EBT Telegroup EBT Group in my community (see provider locator on ebt.org) EBT Coaching EBT Internet Community Other: _____________________
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I will share the EBT ideas with:
Friends A family member My physician or other health care professional My employer My partner or spouse Other:____________________________
Congratulations on completing EBT Basics: Wired for Joy!
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How to Make a Connection It takes only 3 minutes to ease stress, boost feel-good chemicals, and strengthen the circuits that bring you joy. Arrange a daily time to meet. Call them at that time daily. Or arrange another time if schedules require it. As you begin the call, ask, “Is this a good time?” to double check that it is. Take turns supporting each other checking in. Tell each other how many Check Ins you did the day before, and how many minutes you exercised. If you got a Joy Point, share it. Say thanks and goodbye. Sometimes you may choose to give them Connecting Message, sharing some of the feelings and sensations you had while you listened. That’s it!
Website Support: www.ebt.org Check In Line: 877-765-4JOY
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Congratulations! You have completed EBT Basics: Wired for Joy! You have learned the fundamentals of EBT, and have planned your next step in the training. One of the joys of this method is its grounding in neuroscience, so each time that you use the tools, please bring to mind all the scientists who have pieced together the science that we have drawn upon to create EBT. Regardless of whether or not you choose to continue with the advanced training, we hope you will enjoy using these tools and share EBT with your friends, family, co-workers and health care professionals. Our EBT Community Fund was created to give graduates an opportunity to give back to the method, and there are additional opportunities to volunteer for our organization. As you use these tools over time, chances are you will experience life in new ways. As you do, we hope you keep in mind that what you are experiencing is not about EBT. On the day you were born, you had all the inherent strength, goodness and wisdom you would ever need. All you required were the tools to access it. www.ebt.org 185