The Power of ‘No’: My Journey Out of Depression

often talk about how men need to speak and share what is happening in their lives. When suicide statistics are announced globally and within Malawi, most of the cases are men.

As part of Mental Health Awareness month, one man chose to share his journey with depression and what he has been through the in the past year. Due to the sensitivity of the content, this story is shared anonymously.

“I was in a very deep depression for about nine months. I suffer from occasional melancholy, but this experience was worse. I lost my passion for life, doing things that I enjoy and that make me happy. I was overwhelmed with sadness to the point that I would cry uncontrollably by myself without any reason. There was no specific trigger, I would just cry because I felt hopeless.

I tried to hide it and pretend that everything was fine but when I was alone that wasn’t the case. I am a private person and I don’t like to share my problems with others. However, I confided in my loved ones including my wife, who could see I was depressed, and she told my family. They got involved and my mother suggested I see a therapist, who unfortunately had a threemonth waiting list.

I decided to figure out what was causing my problems. I started walking or jogging. I had friends who joined me and they also admitted that they were going through something related to my story, which had a healing effect on me. I was able to open up and talk about my issues with them and it was helpful. I also had deep conversations with my wife.

At first it was hard because I believe that I always keep it together and I rarely like to be vulnerable. However, we kept talking and sometimes we talked for hours on end. At first, she would want me to snap out of it but as we engaged and talked more it helped her to understand what I was going through.

The other thing that helped was books. A friend gave me a book that was about overcoming depression. It spoke directly to what I was experiencing. Gradually I began to understand what was causing my depression. It was about certain decisions that I had to make in my life and the realization that I was going through changes that I wasn’t ready for that left me feeling overwhelmed.

These were mostly related to family and roles that I was expected to play which I had no control over and some of which I disagreed with. Because I don’t say no in my family and the responsibilities were being dumped on me, something that I didn’t want. I realized that I was putting on a mask of someone who is always available, always says yes when I really didn’t want to. I would say I would do it, when in fact I couldn’t or didn’t want to.

My depression was a combination of several things that were happening at the same time but rooted in my inability to say no to things that I could not do for fear of being seen as a bad person. When I came to that realization, I decided to take steps to start saying no to things and withdraw from such situations. That was when my depression lifted. Right now, I am not depressed but I can say that it is easy to go back to that situation. It happens when I start saying yes to things I don’t want to do or don’t believe in. It is also about having time for myself, not just for everyone else.”

Healthy boundaries are essential for maintaining our mental health and well-being. They help us to respect ourselves and others, to communicate our needs and preferences, and to avoid unnecessary stress and conflict.

By setting healthy boundaries, we are saying yes to ourselves and our happiness.

In the shadows of our daily lives, hidden beneath the masks we wear, there exists a tapestry of personal experiences, woven together by the threads of poor mental health. These experiences are often veiled in silence, whispered only in hushed tones behind closed doors. But this month, we break the silence. We bring forth the stories of those who have walked through the darkest corridors of their minds, navigating the labyrinth of anxiety, depression, and anguish. These stories are not bound by age, gender, or background, for mental health knows no boundaries. They come from the depths of shattered dreams, overwhelming pressures, and battles fought in solitude.

They are the tales of warriors, both seen and unseen, who have stared into the abyss and fought their way back, their resilience illuminating the path for others in search of solace. By sharing these anonymous accounts, we aim to shed light on the human experience, to dispel the misconceptions that shroud mental health, and to create a space of understanding and empathy. Together, we can dismantle the stigma that isolates and inhibits. Let us bear witness to these narratives, and may they serve as a testament to the strength and courage that resides within us all.

Fortunately, this past year has been good. The year that was a headache for me was 2020 due to COVID. I have asthma and the news said anyone with asthma was likely to die and I used to have panic attacks. I didn’t want to be around people because everyone looked infected to me, and I withdrew from people. It got so bad that I had to see a psychologist. She prescribed medication and that helped a lot. Female 30-45

My future. I have been struggling with leaving work and my husband falling ill, and I was unable to travel to see him due to financial difficulties.

I was worried about his health and my future. When it gets too much, I check out and cry and I have been trying to find a therapist to help me put some things in more perspective. Female 30-45

Negative news from mass gun shootings and politics. I have cut down significantly on reading the news – Female 30-45

Financial situation and debts. For almost five to six months, I was having sleepless nights, even up to now I am experiencing insomnia. To resolve part of the challenges, I restructured some of the debts which I had and tried to control expenditure. I also got involved in a partnership so I could be assisted out of the financial situation I am in. The major challenge is that it was not all due to me, but I was blaming myself that I did not act sooner. I believe I will overcome. Male 30-45

Leaving my job to start a business. I feel like I’ve been holding my breath for the past year. I am in a constant state of anxiety – no longer having the safety and security of a pay check and the lifestyle that came with my job. Being at the mercy of a failing economy, rotten infrastructure and a leadership crisis – bad business environment especially for new entrants. This is still an ongoing situation. What is helping is returning to a daily habit of communion with God through prayer and silence. Daily stock taking of what is going well, verbalising gratitude, listing what could be better, asking for help and staying tuned to the needs of others and responding wherever possible.

This phase of my life has also highlighted the need for a life companion. A number of times I have wished I could turn to my partner and ask, “what do you think we should do?” I have never felt lonelier than I do now -oh wait, I was lonelier when I was married! True story, but you get my point. Sometimes I get gripped with fear that my loneliness will get worse as I get older, and I panic and break down in tears. What is helping is prayer like with the first issue, praying for someone to come along or confirmation that I am meant to be on my own and I will be okay.

Female 30-45

Finances. Nothing can be done; prices are escalating every day. Male 40-50

My day job has affected my mental health a lot. Having to balance my passion and finances and financing my passion has been one of the most tiring endeavours. But it has brought a lot of change in my life in terms of the amount of productivity I have. The positive is that I can now produce the things I want to produce but the negative is when I can’t do everything that I want to do and must delegate somewhere which is good even though when I delegate, I am not excited over the quality vs what I would do. This changed a lot of things for me, the way I perceive things and the way I perceive myself. Male 25-35

Work. I deal with it by sticking to my eight hours, ignoring the BS and focusing on what is in my control. Female 30-45

Abusive leaders’ culture at work and moral injury (knowing what to do but the system not allowing you to do what you should, making you give lower quality and minimum resources). I deal with it through prayer and meditation, spending time with friends and family, coaching, counselling and doing meaningful stuff. Female 30-45

Work stress and Cyclone Freddy. Walking helps me and reading cheesy, historical novels. Female 35-45

The death of my sibling which has caused us to deal with the fallout arising from their spouse from whom they were divorced for more than five years. The biggest lesson for me has been that everyone should have a valid will always – you never know when death will knock at your door. Male 30-45

Betrayal by a friend. I was part of a group of women friends. This person kept repeatedly telling me to get married (I am a widow). Then she seemed to have changed in the way she behaved towards me. I got surprised that other friends in the group also changed their attitude towards me. It turned out that the friend called everyone in the group and said many bad things about me. She alleged that I was telling people she was having an extramarital affair and went out of her way to call everyone in the group, crying and making all sorts of false allegations. This broke me, especially being a widow. Life is already difficult specially to hang out with married people. I was broken and lonely and changed in my attitude towards all my friends in the group, I withdrew from them. I was lonely and bitter. Because I am a Christian, I forgave her. But I removed her from my life and she is now an acquaintance. I am healing but I am now protective of being free with people because you don’t know what’s in someone’s heart. Female, 30 – 45

Overcoming my imposter syndrome which affects me through procrastination and anxiety. The last year it’s been about trying to do something about it rather than wallowing in it and letting it get control. I feel it coming through in procrastination and anxiety but I am learning to channel that into doing something productive rather than wallowing in it. Female 25-35

Work. I found out recently that the person fanning flames at my workplace was a classmate with my best colleague at the office. Prayer has helped but it has been difficult. Male 30-45

In the past year, I have been affected by my own self-worth and self-esteem issues that have tackled me with a vengeance and the absence of other family. I have also been affected by the loss of community due to moving to another location. I have not been able to build a robust community to support the process. Its on-going and I have not done a good job of dealing with it this year. I spend more time virtually connecting with old friends. I spend time in nature as much as possible. I have been trying to find a therapist and also talk to a counsellor. I have also read books that address the things on my mind like transition, feeling stuck and personal challenges. I also got into a woman’s coaching fellowship for a mentor to help me address workplace anxieties and stresses. Female 30-45

My mental health is being affected by my physical health. I have never been able to get a handle on my physical health and as a woman of a certain age, what used to be an easy fix is now a source of constant feelings of doom and occupies more of my mental space than ever before. I am looking into techniques like meditation and mindfulness but it’s tough. I am afraid it will lead to health problems. My all or nothing mentality is a blocker. Female 35-45

I am working on finding a solution.

– Female 35-45

Do you have a personal story about your mental health journey that you would like to share with others? If so, we would love to hear from you.

Your story can help raise awareness, reduce stigma, and inspire hope for people who are struggling with anxiety and other mental health challenges.

We are looking for stories that describe your experience with anxiety, how it has affected your life, and what has helped you cope or overcome it. You can also share how our magazine has helped you in your journey. Your story can be anonymous if you prefer, and we will respect your privacy and confidentiality.

To submit your story email us at essentialgrace@zoho.com

You can write up to 800 words. We will review your submission and let you know if it is accepted for publication in our magazine, or social media platforms.

Thank you for your courage and generosity in sharing your personal story. We believe that by telling our stories, we can create a more compassionate and supportive community for everyone who lives with anxiety and poor mental health. We look forward to hearing from you soon!

A special thank you to our contributor Steveria Kadangwe for collecting these submissions from the public.