Building Families Show 2013 by Essex Style Magazine

GUEST COLUMNIST World famous psychotherapist, Andrea Bryman explains the role she plays in helping to select potential egg donors for intended parents

Finding a suitable egg donor is no walk in the park

t has taken many years to create the niche I have in my profession, a mental health therapist specializing in egg donation and surrogacy. I have learned that people are not gray on the subject of third party reproduction. They have strong opinions. Once all the opinions have been aired (this can take awhile), one of the first things I am asked is “What am I looking for when I talk with a potential egg donor?” I thought I would start this column by discussing four of the main areas that I emphasize in my evaluation of an egg donor: her family mental health history, her stability, her desire to be a donor, and her ability to make an informed decision to be a donor. In exploring a donor’s family mental health history it is important to gather information regarding any potential psychiatric diagnoses. Some diagnoses are linked to genetic predispositions that can be passed onto a child. If there is a diagnosis, i.e., depression - it is important to determine whether it was triggered by an event, which would be considered situational or whether it is an organic disorder. I also discuss family history of alcohol or substance abuse. There is potential for a genetic predisposition to alcoholism that both the recipients and donors should be aware of. Finally, I explore any emotional, physical or sexual abuse the donor may have experienced and if they have received any professional help. A donor who has experienced some abuse without seeking help may find the donation process can trigger unresolved issues related to the abuse. Above all else, my hope is for the donor to have a positive experience. One of the major concerns for many intended parents is whether a donor will be stable enough to follow through with all that she needs to do throughout her cycle. There is a vast amount of information

with medications and undergo medical evaluations and procedures? While initially enticed by the monetary compensation, most donors after learning more about the process have an altruistic yearning to want to help others while helping themselves. In determining a donor’s desire to help others, it is significant to understand how she learned about the process, why she wants to donate, if she has told others about her desire to donate, what she plans to do with the money she receives from the donation and how she feels about the future contact and disposition of her eggs and the embryos they create. Lastly, after determining a donor’s mental well-being, her stability and her motivation, it is very important to determine if the donor is cognitively mature enough to make an informed decision to be a donor. I gather this information by exploring the donor’s educational background and her self-perception. This information Any egg donor will have gone through an determines if she knowledgeable enough to extensive vetting process first have the ability to educate herself about the egg donation process and understand the to digest, potential medical and psychological issues forms to be that may arise. filled out, Is she able to seek out information and appointments to attend and medications to ask questions or does she passively take the be administered. information given to her? A donor will need a lot of support Often I encourage donors to talk with throughout the process. There are many others who have donated before to get aspects in exploring a donor’s stability peer guidance in addition to professional – her living situation, her guidance. The bottom line on career, her upbringing and informed consent is “Does “One of the major the donor really understand current relationship with her parents and siblings, her what she is agreeing to?” concerns... is social network, her personal To say “Choosing an egg whether a donor relationships and any possible donor is a difficult process” will be stable legal issues she may have is an understatement. It is enough to follow important to realize that many experienced. through with all It is important that a donor donors have just as many be able to form and sustain that she needs to” questions about the intended healthy relationships as well parents as the intended as manage conflict resolution. parents have of the donors. More importantly, you want to be sure that We interpret data and evaluate information she will to do what she is supposed to do! to ensure suitability. We educate others and What is the donor’s motivation to donate? ourselves. We hope that all parties are being Why would she want to inject herself truthful and forthright.

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Dawson Cornwell

What constitutes a family is an ever changing and evolving concept. This is perhaps nowhere more true than in the area of families which have same sex parents. Such family structures are now an established feature of modern life in the UK.

n 2010 the USA census noted that a quarter of same sex households were raising children within their family unit. In the UK the Office of National Statistics estimates that some 8,000 same sex households are family units with children. Family law, perhaps not surprisingly, has been playing catch up in the past 20 or so years. The Warnock Committee Report was published as long ago as 1984 which started the conversation on assisted reproduction. There followed fairly speedily (in legal terms) the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Act 1990 (“HFEA”). That Act mirrored society’s conservative view of what constituted a “family unit” at that time. It did not therefore make any provision for children born by way of assisted reproduction to unmarried couples and made no reference at all to such children born to same sex couples. The HFEA was amended in 2008 and the last of its provisions became law in spring 2010. That Act makes provision for the acquisition of the status as parents to same sex male or female couples and made specific provision for children born by way of a surrogacy arrangement. In the future we may well see further changes to the law to take into account for example the increasing number of transgender couples who wish to create families. In the UK unlike some other jurisdictions there is no provision in law for acquisition of parentage by way of a surrogacy arrangement for a single commissioning parent. The Building Families Show is therefore

an important player in the progress and evolution of society’s change and our understanding and acceptance of what a family unit is. Future medical advances will mean the law will continue to play “catch up.” Currently it is not possible for a child to have more than two legal parents whilst it is now possible for the creation of embryos from the gametes of more than 3 persons all of whom might wish to be a parent rather than a mere donor. Those who are considering creating their own modern family structure with same sex, transgender or indeed a combination of parents and parental figures, should seek specialist legal advice. Dawson Cornwell is uniquely placed to spearhead and adapt to these changes. We are world renowned as one of the UK’s leading specialist family law firms. We are based in Central London and represent clients from across the UK and around the world. We specialise in all areas of domestic and international family law, private client and property. Anne-Marie Hutchinson OBE heads up the firm’s children department. She has dedicated her career to pioneering new areas of law. In addition to her substantive international children law practice AnneMarie has for many years specialised in all aspects of fertility and surrogacy law. Her many accolades include being listed in the prestigious “Top 50 Super Lawyers 2013” and the International Family Lawyer of the Year 2012/2013.

www.dawsoncornwell.com

Anne-Marie Hutchinson OBE amh@dawsoncornwell.com

Anne-Marie is assisted by Colin Rogerson, a Solicitor-Advocate who regularly represents intended parents in the High Court on applications for parental orders and advises on all aspects of building families.

Rhiannon Lewis

rl@dawsoncornwell.com Rhiannon Lewis is a partner in Dawson Cornwell’s family law department. She is consistently ranked as one of the leading family lawyers in London. Rhiannon and her specialist team act and advise on the financial implications of entering into a marriage or civil partnership and creating a family.

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F IV

With guidelines on fertility changing again this year and The Building Families Show soon upon us, William Taylor caught up with one Essex mother who recalls her emotional IVF journey, raising a sports mad son and her hopes for reform.

JOURNEY

magine seeing all your friends and “It makes me really angry. Still, nothing siblings having children of their own, has changed. They’re obviously trying trying desperately to do the same to change it, but even so it is a postcode yourself, but despite your best efforts, it just lottery. won’t work. “Living here, under the GPs that we had, The older you get, the more you worry – we couldn’t get anything at all, although I the body clock just keeps on ticking, soon know people who lived in a different area you will be too old anyway, right? who managed to get some support.” As a child, you can take it for granted that The start of Sally’s IVF journey actually you will be able to have children one day. begins in the latter part of the last It can be devastating when you’re told you millennium. can’t. She and Scott had already been married Ten years ago, that was precisely the for a number of years, and in 1994 had scenario that confronted Sally Barkman taken the life changing decision to emigrate (now aged from Dunedin, 43) and her New Zealand to husband, Great Totham in Scott (46). No Essex. To find out that matter how Like many something you always hard they tried, couples, they Sally simply soon decided thought would happen would not fall that it was the naturally isn’t... pregnant. right time to is financially and “It was start trying for a incredibly family, with Sally emotionally draining. tough,” Sally in her late 20s. said. “As a Whilst initial Sally Barkman attempts to woman, and when you are conceive growing up, you naturally were just expect that you are going to be able to unsuccessful, the couple did not instantly have children. realise that there was a fertility problem. “To suddenly find out that something For “three or four years,” Sally estimates, you always thought would happen naturally she and Scott continued trying, but still to isn’t going to happen and you’ll need no avail. intervention; it is financially and emotionally “Nothing was happening,” she recalled. draining.” “We were watching a friend go through Indeed, new statistics seem to indicate that IVF after struggling with her body, fertility is an increasing problem in the UK, but nothing was registering – it with almost one in five couples spending didn’t really occur to me that this over a year trying for a baby. was something I needed to look Coming to terms with that can be at. extremely difficult; with the brutal “Then one day my friend said, realisation that your body cannot do ‘Sally, you’ve been trying for a something you took for granted. Suddenly, while, don’t you think you should everything you ever hoped for is plunged get checked out?’ So I decided to, and into doubt. went along to the doctor before One of the big talking points surrounding going down the road of IVF at the moment is the debate as to IVF.” whether treatments should be funded by She explained that the NHS. Until now, couples have been the reason was forced to meet the majority of the costs by partly down to the themselves, with little or no support from recommendation the government. of her friend, but This is understandably a situation that also the fact that she still angers New Zealand-born Sally, even realised she and Scott though a decade has passed since she went had been putting their through IVF herself. life on hold waiting for the She said: “The way I look at it, is I didn’t day she would fall pregnant. choose for my body not to work, whereas Sally said: “You start trying with someone who chose to smoke – they and you think ‘it will happen, knew the risks, and got lung cancer. it will happen,’ “Why should my tax payer’s money pay for “Then you start putting their treatment, when they’re not prepared your life on hold; ‘oh, to help me have a child? well, I can’t go skiing next

month because I might be pregnant; can I do this, no I might be pregnant; should we fly home for Christmas, no, because I could be pregnant.’” Duly, the couple booked an appointment with their local GP. Perhaps Sally was not producing many eggs? Maybe Scott had a low sperm count? Whatever it was, surely the doctor would be able to give them some drugs and they’d soon be on their way to starting that family they had always longed for… right? “I had all sorts of tests, was given a load of different drugs, went to see a gynaecologist, but in the end we found out that the problem was blocked tubes. Endometriosis,” Sally said, the issue still clearly a tender one. Endometriosis is a condition that affects around one in ten women in the UK, but in the majority of cases does not cause infertility. In layman’s terms, it is where the lining of the uterus grows outside of the womb. In Sally’s case, it was so severe that it caused the fallopian tubes to become blocked, meaning the eggs could not travel from the ovaries to the womb. She was referred to a specialist at the Lister Fertility Clinic in West London, where news of the problem she had really began to sink in. Sally said: “The day I found that out, I was just in floods of tears. It’s at that point that you realise that you are not going to be able to have a baby naturally. It was devastating. “I became withdrawn about things and there were all sorts of things that I just didn’t go to, because there were too many children, and it was too painful for me.” cont.

Sally, Scott and Joshua together wearing replica shirts of their beloved All Blacks

Sally and Joshua enjoying Christmas together

...it was the most amazing news

I could have hoped for...

till desperate to have a family, Sally and Scott began to look at the options facing them. IVF was certainly the most likely path, but they looked into the likes of adoption, fostering and surrogacy. A few weeks later, the clinic transferred the embryo into Sally’s womb, ahead of what she described as an incredibly tense two weeks of waiting to find out whether it had taken, and if she had fallen pregnant. “That two weeks was the longest two weeks of my life,” Sally admitted. “In that time I had two weddings to go to and none of the people we were with knew – which made it even harder. “But I also remember everything from those two weeks – I didn’t go to work at the time, I just stayed home and watched daytime TV worrying that the egg was going to fall out!

“I seemed to be watching loads of programmes about child birth, so in some ways, I was torturing myself!” Sally said that as soon as that two weeks had passed, the first thing she did was take a pregnancy test. Just one of those standard kits you can get off the shelf at Boots. Having done three separate tests just to be sure, Sally finally got the news she had been waiting for. She was pregnant. “It was the most amazing news I could have hoped for,” she said. “I just couldn’t believe it – the whole thing took a while to sink in. “The thing was, though, it was a public holiday that day, so the clinic was closed and we couldn’t tell anyone. We managed to get in contact with the clinic the next day.” Lister booked her in for a six week scan, upon learning that she had fallen pregnant, which for Sally meant more waiting.

The six week scan confirmed that there was a heartbeat, and was soon followed by the nine week scan. For once, Sally was able to enjoy the process – “loosely,” she said. Exactly nine months later, right on the due date, a healthy Joshua Oliver Barkman was born, weighing 8lb 15.5oz. Ten years on, Joshua is sprightly as ever, and a talented sportsman, currently an aspiring footballer on the books of Chelsea. Whilst Sally admits he is just like any other boy of his age, driving her mad at times, she loves him to bits and is incredibly grateful to have him. “I count my blessings everyday,” Sally said. “When you hear people saying ‘oh I wish the kids would stop fighting,’ they don’t know how lucky they are, not only to have two, but to have children at all. “I cherish every day with Joshua. He does drive me to drink occasionally, but I

wouldn’t change him for the world! where she does, it is almost certain that “It would have been nice to have another Sally would get a lot more support from the one for him, but it wasn’t to be. That’s NHS than she did. never going to happen, but you know, I’m Because of this, Clinical Embryologist, grateful for the Andy Glew one I’ve got. All from Herts and my friends will Essex Fertility Even if it isn’t financially tell you that. I say stopped short of it all the time.” suggesting the viable for everyone to be Despite current system is entitled to three cycles, it Sally’s heartdiscriminatory. warming story, “Certainly in should at least be fair and many couples East Anglia,” he distributed equally. desperate for said, “if you are children are still a young couple Sarah Walt unable to have with no children any – quite often attached to you, because of the then you will financial constraints. Many would argue that as human beings, we have the right to have children, and subsequently, those who are unable to should receive support from the NHS. It is a compelling argument, and one that has even greater significance when you consider the fact that alcohol users and smokers receive free treatment for the illnesses their unhealthy lifestyles have caused. Sarah Walt is a Clinical Services Director at Simply Fertility, and believes the situation that allows some couples to receive full NHS support, and others to receive none, is discriminatory. She said: “It can’t be fair if it is different depending on where you live in the country. “Obviously, the NHS has got a finite amount of money to spend on medical things, but infertility is a problem that lots of people face and needs to be dealt with. “It can lead onto other issues like depression that then have to be dealt with by the NHS anyway.” Indeed, the biggest thing that appears to be stopping the NHS from providing IVF to everyone seems to be the cost of it. But Sarah admitted that with a little bit of reorganisation, sufficient changes could be made. She added: “Even if it isn’t financially viable for everyone to be entitled to three cycles, it should at least be fair and distributed equally. “Maybe everybody should be entitled to one cycle, if that’s how much money there was. At least that way it would be fair.” Despite this, it is clear that IVF laws and guidelines have changed significantly in the past ten years. Living

have access to IVF. And very quickly as well. “Obviously there are still parts of the county where people will struggle, but even so, the process of investigation is very clear and very thorough.” Andy believes it will not be long until IVF is available to everyone on the NHS, something that he thinks cannot come soon enough. He added: “I know it is very much a patchwork at the moment - some Primary Care Trusts have stubbornly said they will not fund it, but I think they will be forced into it in the not too distant future. “Even now, it looks as though the government won’t allow them to provide nothing.”

Top: Josh at two days old, above: aged ten, left: Sally and Scott proudly show off their baby.

Both Simply Fertility and Herts and Essex Fertility will be among the exhibitors at this year’s Building Families Show. Taking place at The Hilton London Metropole, it will bring together experts from the world of fertility, with interested members of the public getting FREE entry if they book in advance. For more information, visit the website: www. thebuildingfamiliesshow.com

Seminars 10.00am: The U.S. Surrogacy Experience

Tony Drewitt-Barlow (US Surrogacy Journey) Dr Ringler (Process after finding a donor and getting pregnant) Anne-Marie Hutchinson, OBE (the legal aspects)

This seminar is repeated at 2.00pm 11.00am: The American Process

Andrea Bryman (Why a psychotherapist is needed) Andrew Vorzimmer (Legal contracts, pre-birth orders) Megan Morgenstern (Egg donation and the process behind finding a right donor)

12.00pm: The UK Surrogacy Experience Bobby Norris (Towie) (The Intended Parent Journey) Sarah Templeman (Getting pregnant) Tony Drewitt-Barlow (The UK Surrogacy journey)

1.00pm: The IVF Journey Dr Susan Treiser Tricia Turner

2.00pm: The U.S. Surrogacy Experience Repeat of the 10.00am seminar 3.00pm: Gamete Donation and PGD: What happens next? Mary Fusillo Colleen Coughlin

4.00pm: Question Time Panelists:

British Surrogacy Centre Simply Fertility Dawson Cornwell California Fertility Partnership Andrea Bryman

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About The Organisers... Our team has been involved in organising events within the UK and internationally for a number of years and we can now boast that we are the organiser of the UK’s largest exhibition for surrogacy, fertility and IVF, The Building Families Show. Our versatility, contact base and industry knowledge ensures our reputation for delivering an array of functions which surpass our client’s expectations. The Building Families Show 2013 was launched in early 2012, when Red Cow Events saw an opportunity to educate and inform all members of the public and industry professionals on all available treatments and procedures. Red Cow Events has now expanded into the media market with our launch of Red Cow Multimedia and with its flagship publication Essex Style magazine, which is now one of the most highly sought after free-distribution magazines available in Essex and in some of the home counties, and recently received messages from readers as far afield as Australia and the US.

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Letter from the organisers Dear Reader, As the organisers of the Building Families Show 2013, we would like to welcome you to our show. We have meticulously arranged the day to be as beneficial and informative as can be and made it accessible for all, whether lesbian, gay, straight, married or a singleton. We have also chosen some of the worlds most influential speakers from their selected industries, to present seminars throughout the day giving a comprehensive guide to the fertility, surrogacy and IVF journey here in the UK or abroad. We hope that you enjoy your day and wish you all the luck and success on your journey wherever it may take you. Best Wishes, David Farr & Terrie Bennett Event Directors café

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