Single Mama Lama Guide

Single Mama Lama’s

Guide to Soundproofing your Mind from Guilt, Tantrums and All Things BDR

by Tamika Lewis

1. Introduction My son is 5 now and in that super inquisitive stage. He asks questions about everything.

One evening just before bedtime, he asked, “Mom…what happens when someone’ s heart stops beating?”

around with a lump in my throat and a pit in my stomach obsessing over mental checklists, unpaid bills, and resentment towards BD (baby daddy) all of which left me drained and unhappy.

“Damn,” I thought. “How do I answer this one?”

I wasn’t exercising, I wasn’t eating well, and I was over-committing myself to everything.

I felt worlds away from my heart. My body and mind had become paralyzed by guilt and worry.

I was tired and it felt like a really deep question that warranted more than my usual shortwinded response.

I cooked up an answer, the details of which I can’t remember - something involving the importance of taking care of our hearts so that we can live a long time. I was completely thrown by what happened next.

After tucking my son into bed, I went back to my room, shut my door, and started to cry.

Uncontrollably. I mean the ugly snot-gushing cry.

“What the hell is going on?” I thought. “Get a hold of yourself Tamika.”

I was completely winded by his question.

I had spent days, months, years walking

I finally heard the signal firing inside of me, telling me to “STOP ALREADY!” Stop moving so fast. Stop badgering yourself and overcompensating for everything you don’t have and want, or your heart will indeed stopa lot sooner than you’d like.

My son was an angel that night sent to remind that: 1) You’re alive and deserve to FEEL joy. Every heartbeat is a gift, and should be celebrated and respected as such.

2) Don’t be afraid to ask the big scary questions. Kids do it all of the time. And the answers, while often terrifying, always bear fruit.

www.singlemamalama.com Copyright@2014 All rights reserved by Tamika Lewis

2. The Guilt Solution Feeling a little guilt isn’t a bad thing. In fact studies show that it can be quite healthy.

When we feel bad about something, we’re more likely to correct course and make better judgments. But mom guilt is an entirely different animal.

Moms don’t just “feel badly” about something, we maim ourselves with guilt, constantly weighing the short and long term effects of every granular act until we drive ourselves nearly insane.

To be clear, guilt is defined as “the act or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, especially against moral or penal law.” Do you wish evil upon your children, family or friends? Have you committed a heinous crime other than entirely neglecting yourself for the sake of others around you?

The answer is most likely no. Here’s the fact.

The level at which you consider those around you, the time you spend pining over your life— wanting a better career, better relationships, a better life for your kids, doesn’t make you crazy. On the contrary, it makes you a remarkably caring individual. You’re stacking major heaven chips right now, trust me.

So…come closer I need to tell you something: Stop beating yourself up. You’re a goldmine of love and potential. You are brilliant and valuable beyond measure. I know it feels

intense, like the guilt may never go away.

Sometimes it helps to re-label our emotions in terms that are less intimidating. What if instead of guilt, we just called her Ms. Inner Critic.

We all know her. She’ s that voice inside your head, the one that’s always streaming negative thoughts and opinions about you, things you wouldn’t dare tell a stranger. Sometimes I’d like to put her in the back of my trunk, drive her out to the woods and just kick her ass. But I can’t because she’s a deeply embedded part of me. So instead, one day I invited her for tea.

Lo and behold, she is really just a mutation of the deepest desires of my heart. After permitting her time to vent, it turns out that all she really wants is to be loved and do the right thing as a mom, as a partner, as a dreamer.

Somewhere along the way she was hurt so badly that she simply forgot or never learned how to fulfill her needs in a loving way. So she threw cheap blows and said a lot of mean things that she really didn’t mean.

I was finally able to forgive Ms. Inner Critic and declare, “Enough sister Enough.” In The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle tells the story of a beggar who had been sitting on a cardboard box for years. One day, as he was begging for change, a stranger stopped and asked him what was inside of the box. The beggar always assumed nothing was inside and never bothered to look. But when he finally did he was surprised to see that the box was filled with gold. Guilt is the cardboard box that keeps our light from shining. Sometimes it’s scary to peek inside, because the brilliance of our own light can be blinding. We don’t feel deserving of center stage and do everything possible to deflect the light of our own magnificence.

www.singlemamalama.com Copyright@2014 All rights reserved by Tamika Lewis

IT ALL STARTS

WITH A DATE. But dammit lady this world is your stage too.

Kids or no kids, you still have dreams, hopes and expectations that are worth pursuing.

So here’s my #1 strategy for killing off guilt, getting out of your own way, and letting your light shine.

It all starts with a date.

Exercise 1 Set aside about a 2 hour block with no kids, demands or distractions. Wear something that makes you feel good, pick a time of the day when your mind is most at ease, and have some tea or a cool drink in hand.

Have a journal with you and begin to write the following letter: Dear Ms. Inner Critic, I’ve been listening to you for some time and I’ve just realized that I don’t agree with a lot of the things you’ve said to me over the years. In fact, It really hurts that you’re constantly telling me (list the top 3 negative self statements that consume you, i.e. I’m not cut out for love, I’m not smart enough, I’ll never make it, etc.)____ __________________________________ __________________________________ I feel it most in my (write the part of your body where you feel these statements most, i.e. could be your stomach, your head, neck, etc.)_ __________________________________

I’m just curious…did someone ever say or do anything to hurt you? I’d like to understand (list people who hurt you either by saying or committing hurtful acts, this may be the longest most difficult section, but it’s really critical to unpacking your guilt. Go as far back as necessary) __________________________________ __________________________________ I understand now why you may have thought these things, and I forgive you. I just can’t risk you interfering with my health and happiness any longer. I just wanted to remind you that (list 3 positive affirmations about yourself, i.e.

I’m happy now. I’m extraordinary. I’m older and wiser now, etc.)_______________________ From now on, when I hear your voice brush up against my ear, I’m going to (list 3 guilt busting actions that you can take when this voice hits i.e. walk outside and get some fresh air, call and catch up with an old girlfriend, look in the mirror and repeat a mantra or prayer, etc.)___ __________________________________ I have to go now.

Goodbye, (insert name) Now here’s the most important part. Choose a friend a family member, someone who is 100% trustworthy and supportive of you and schedule a time to read this letter in their presence.

Ask the person to just listen, without any commentary.

You can have the best thoughts and intentions in the world, but true healing happens when we engage the tough questions and take the necessary action. So don’t skip this step.

www.singlemamalama.com Copyright@2014 All rights reserved by Tamika Lewis

3. THE TANTRUM SOLUTION

routine. For example, dinner looked the same multiple nights of the week. Bath time was every other night (dirt never killed anyone). 50% of homework had to be done in after school daycare, allotting time to complete the other 50% at home. Date night was on Friday’s (date or no date I made room for fun). And so forth.

I assumed the mindset of a CFO, constantly weighing the cost to benefit ratio of everything.

Doing laundry vs. getting rest. Eating out vs.

There are many things I miss about having buying the kids school supplies. Competing a partner in my life. Perhaps the biggest is with the homeroom moms vs. accepting my having someone to tag-team responsibilities limitations and not being able to make every with. Hacking things alone can be incredibly exhausting. If you’ re single or “married but damn school meeting. Everything came down to one goal: Self Preservation. near single,” than you can relate.

Work, school, homework, extracurricular activities, dinner time, and mediating tantrums all falls on you. If you don’t create a system for yourself, you WILL crash at some point. You will blow up at your kids, you will sabotage love in your life, and you will perpetually be that cranky B that no one wants to be around.

In the first month of my reality as a single mother, I sat down to complete these two very critical exercises, which quite possibly saved my life.

I created two documents. One was an excel sheet where I laid out my weekly schedule, and found areas where I could automate my family

You might be wondering what this has to do with tantrums. It has everything to do with them.

Your ability to remain calm in the storm, whether dealing with tantrums or BD, rests entirely on your ability to organize and manage your life.

Exercise 2 On the table below, write out your weekly schedule making sure to fit in time to play and relax. Remember, play and relaxation are critical to your health. Plus, the more play you factor in, the more stress you can tolerate. (Saturday and Sunday are free days. I typically assign one of these days to homecare—cleaning, organizing, and appreciating my home)

MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

Morning:

Morning:

Morning:

Morning:

Morning:

Afternoon:

Afternoon:

Afternoon:

Afternoon:

Afternoon:

Evening:

Evening:

Evening:

Evening:

Evening:

LIST YOUR A-TEAM On the table below you’re going to list your A-Team. This list is made up of anyone in your life who is available to support you. You will print this out and post it on your fridge, keeping it in plain view as a reminder that you’re not alone and that you CAN and will manage.

BABYSITTERS/ CHILDCARE

List friends, family, sitters, etc, who are available to babysit as needed: (write their name and phone numbers bellow)

FAMILY/FRIENDS/ PARTNERS

List all friends, partners, and family members who are available to help you with anything from picking up the kids, helping with an emergency loan, offering emotional support, etc: (write their name and phone numbers bellow)

MEDICAL/HEALTH

List all doctors, dentists, therapists, etc, who provide medical/wellness support to you and your family: (write their name and phone numbers bellow)

CHURCH/ ORGANIZATIONS

List all memers of any church or organizations to which you belong who are available to support you in any way: (write their name and phone numbers bellow)

WORK

List all co-workers, supervisors, etc. who are supportive of you - people with whom you can collaborate, colleagues who might be able to cover for you in case of an emergency, etc.: (write their name and phone numbers bellow)

4. THE BDR SOLUTION “Hell if I know!” I’m a clinical therapist with loads of credentials and I still struggle with BDR (baby daddy related) issues.

I have discovered some strategies though that are sure to help you manage BDR issues:

and know that my future holds (insert 3 goals that you would like to accomplish or 3 experiences that you would like to have) ______ ____________________________________ ____________________________________ ____________________________________

1) Let Go of the Story

2) Find a Mastermind Buddy

So your BD gambled away all the grocery money, had some secret addiction, or here’s one that blew me away—had an entirely separate family you never knew about. You name it, I’ ve heard it. These sound like extreme examples for some of you, but the feeling of betrayal, the lingering hope for a different yesterday, the sadness you feel for your kids is felt at 100% for all of us. A dear friend of mine once said, the storyline doesn’t matter, it’ s the heartline that does.

After learning about my husband’s affair I felt stripped of everything. My beauty, hope, and confidence vanished instantly. The most devastating part of being cheated on is the sheer anger you feel having invested everything into this person, into your marriage, and family.

It’s like waking up to find that everyone on earth had disappeared. I desperately needed support.

Know that every time you rehash your story, you relive the pain, and give it that much more power. Not to mention it’s depressing, people are tired of hearing about it, and it’s really not serving you or your kids.

Jadah was my very first mastermind partner. We were two broke moms with expensive dreams.

Every week without fail we’d spend an hour on the phone, weaving ideas into gold.

Exercise 3 Rewrite a new story. Here’s an outline to get your started: “I’ve gone through (insert the greatest challenge you’ve endured in life) ___________________ ____________________________________ ____________________________________ and yet I can’t believe that I have (insert 3 amazing things, people, resources that you have) ____________________________________ ____________________________________

My first stop was therapy. Then the stars aligned to bring me Jadah.

There were clear rules. This was an honest, negative-free zone that existed for the sole purpose of mapping out our goals and holding each other accountable. I could talk about the pain when necessary, but she’d take my hand and walk me back to the edge of possibilities.

I’d never shared this kind of experience with another woman. I felt restored and energized by our talks. Suddenly the details of my husband’ affair didn’t matter as much. I found my voice again and learned significant tools that I would later use to support me and my kids.

Exercise 4 Ever had an idea that you always wanted to pursue? Maybe starting a jewelry line or clothing business. Perhaps these ideas have been sitting in the back of your mind far too long.

Start to make them real by finding a friend or mastermind buddy who can provide you with support and accountability. Schedule your first meeting ASAP. Don’t sit on this it can be a total game changer.

Set guidelines for your talks so they remain positive and forward-thinking. Write down your mastermind buddy’s name here:____________ ____________________________________ __________________________________ 3) Get off your High Horse “Things are too complicated to be understood by one individual.” –The Great Beauty You really think you’ve got it all figured out? That you know exactly what BD’s problems are and what he needs to fix to be a “better man.”

However fck’ d up BD might be, we’ re all in this game of life together, fumbling the same ball.

So stop the “if only he…” recording in your mind for one minute and shift that energy back to you and the present moment. Work on improving your own game.

Rather than vilify BD, consider the more humanistic qualities that you both share--the desire to feel heard, accepted, and purposeful.

Focus on how you can create these feelings for yourself, and avoid the common mistake of waiting for your ex or anyone else to give you these things.

Learn how to cultivate love and joy from within, and you’ ll find that your anger and resentment will fade.

Exercise Was there something that you gave up doing over the course of your relationship or marriage that you used to really enjoy. Start doing again!

5. THE 30-DAY PULSE CHALLENGE Well you made it! I’m so happy that you gave yourself (and me) a bit of your time.

Here are a few takeaways to remember: Every heartbeat is a gift, and should be celebrated and respected as such. Tweet It You’re a goldmine of love and potential. You are brilliant and valuable beyond measure.

Tweet It! Things are too complicated to be understood by one individual.” – The Great Beauty Now I’d love to hear your takeaways or questions. Click to share them on fb.

Before you go, I’d love to invite you to join the FREE 30-Day Pulse Challenge, which is packed with exercises and tips that will restore your confidence, lead you to greater clarity, and give you tools that you can immediately apply to feel more present in life.

Click HERE to get the inside scoop. I’ m so excited to continue this journey with you!

Talk Soon, xoxo Single Mama Lama