June 2020: Give Us Strength. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA) by FA connection Magazine, for food addicts, by food addicts

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

FA Stories of Recovery from Food Addiction

Give Us Strength

June 2020 $2.50

June 2020

Columns Qualification: Chronic Care. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1 First 90 Days: Toothless in Dallas . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .3 Frontier Focus: Service is the Key. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6

No Matter What: Waiting for an Open Door. . . . . . . . . . . . . 15

Lighten Up: Gone to the Dogs. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17

Features

The Taste of Recovery. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .7 True Partnership. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .9 Cookbooks. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .11 The Meaning of Commitment. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .13

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co n n e cti on.food ad d i c ts.or g

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Qualification

Chronic Care

ne of the most painful experi- way. But hearing these words felt like my ences of my life proved to be worst nightmare. My world felt out of the motivator to propel me control; I could not achieve something into FA. I know that the God of my un- that I really wanted. derstanding uses every life situation, and Before I knew about this program, I most definitely, God was right there help- knew I was eating out of control, but did ing me. Just prior to joining FA I had a not make the connection between my meeting with my eating and the unnursing school admanageable life I My action-oriented ministrators, who had. I had given up informed me I was trying to eat norearly intensive care in FA not going to be able mally. I gave in to the to continue studyfood thoughts and meant the world to me, then ing to be a nurse. My ate whole packages and now. I am now in grades were poor and cartons. I did and my clinical pernot get much relief what I call chronic care. formance was not from eating anyup to needed stanmore, just disgust dards. I was panicky in my clinical rota- and remorse. My skin hurt and my gut felt tions and it showed. I was sweaty and red bloated like a basketball. The bingeing faced and not able to focus. Mentally, I and attempts at smothering these feelings was so fragile, and the culture of nursing would repeat. Each and every time, there training at that time was harsh and strict. was the painful reality that the food was My trips to the school’s vending machine not helping anything. This knowledge did were my only way of coping. The nursing not stop me from the insanity of eating school director’s words informing me that again. I could no longer continue were kind, and I felt like I had nothing left to lose after I remember a tissue box being pushed my being dismissed from nursing school. Not connection

knowing what else to do, I started going to FA meetings. I sat in those rooms and finally knew there were others like me. Members were sharing their personal stories, the same as how I ate, and they offered a way to stop. The disciplined food plan and level of support scared me, but I was more terrified of my out-of-control eating. When I took that leap of trust, I got an FA sponsor and got honest with someone else about what I was doing with food. I surrendered to a weighed and measured food plan. Something happened that first day of abstinence. Even thought I was still 185 pounds (about 84 kilos) and in terrible pain, I felt an enormous shift inside. I knew in my heart I was taking care of myself in the most fundamental way I could. That sense of freedom kept me going to keep stacking up one more day of abstinence. I remember how the suggestions for me as a newcomer in FA were very, very logistical. There was not a lot of talk with my sponsor about how to manage life except in the very practical, day-to-day stuff. It was all action. “Call me every day, eat like this, go to meetings. Here’s a list of people to call, pray, read these books, practice gratitude to your Higher Power for everything, even the clean dish you just washed.” Food addiction had done a lot of damage. My brain was fried and I had 2

massive fear of everything. My action-oriented early intensive care in FA meant the world to me, then and now. I needed to not try and fix my life at that time, but just to keep giving myself the luxury of being a newcomer, as was suggested to me by a long-term member. I am now in what I call chronic care instead of the early intensive care. My life has changed in spectacular ways since those early days. I no longer experience food thoughts or cravings. When I compare myself to myself, it is spectacular, but in most ways I have an average-looking life. I have stayed the same normal weight since first putting the food down. In abstinence, I finished nursing school and went on to get a graduate degree as a nurse practitioner. I got married and have three children. I was available and abstinent for each of my parent’s passing. I am accountable at my job in a hospital. I live in a home, pay bills, plan vacations, and face the normal range of disappointments and problems of life. I stay abstinent and continue to develop a connection with the God of my understanding and work this program. I have the privilege of offering the kind of recovery that was so helpful to me when I was new at this. I am so grateful for the simple but powerful actions that keep me here. Maggie M., Massachusetts, US June 2020

First 90 Days Q

Toothless in Dallas

ollowing a three-year break, I returned to FA. I was convinced that nothing could slow me down this time. My intention was to come back to FA and start over. I originally joined in 2011 but dropped out a year later. During the time away, my father passed and my two adult children divorced and took turns living with me. One remarried and the other became engaged. I was happily spending time after work with my five grandchildren. Everything was okay except my spirit was ragged and scraped up a bit. Because I had regained the weight lost the first time, I was feeling like a failure, physically and mentally. I had to buy my size in the women’s section of Dillard’s, my favorite clothing store. It was time to come back and get busy. I was ready to get down to business and get happy, healthy and holy all at the same time. I craved the opportunity to hang out with people just like me, who had an abnormal urge to eat flour and sugar products, people just like me who could eat a whole happy birthday treat without any help and then want more. Attending the first FA meeting was the connection

most difficult. Would people judge me for being back in my previous size or notice the shame and fear that I felt? For a brief moment I told myself it couldn’t be any worse than going to the dentist. I can do this. My strongest fears banished the minute we started the serenity prayer. My mind and body relaxed and I began to soak it all in, sort of like taking a break from what was bugging me. I could stop listening to my critical inner voice and focus on someone else instead. Hearing the leader speak about her experience in FA was like hearing a favorite song. I felt reassured and hopeful. A renewal of my spirit was right around the corner. I was back where my Higher Power wanted me. Finding a sponsor the first night was a huge relief and almost too easy. The next morning, I was ready to wake up early and call my sponsor at the appointed time. I committed my food choices for the day. My sponsor gave me a refresher in the basic food plan. We talked about ways to weigh and measure my food, what times the meals should be eaten and reminders about the first 90 days. We also discussed 3

prayer time, quiet time to relax the soul, expectations regarding meeting attendance and finally making at least three phone calls daily to other fellows in the program. Before I knew it, I had my first 90 days in. After carefully following the requirements of FA, I could now share in front of the group and give input during the business meetings. My mind was clear, my leftover size 14W’s replaced the clothes I had started with, and I was beginning to see a physical improvement in my body. Lumps were smaller, arms were leaner and I had more energy. The huge turkeysized fat ball I carried in my abdomen was shrinking and I was excited, hopeful and looking forward to the future. I also knew I wanted to serve someday and I was well on my way. My joy was slowly returning. The afternoon before my next meeting, I went to the dentist for a routine cleaning. Unfortunately, my bottom teeth 4

were all messed up. Here in Dallas I had found a great dentist who helped repair and maintain my teeth. Eventually, the repairs that had worked were no longer helping. I had to have dental surgery, have my remaining bottom teeth removed and choose to either have dentures or implants placed. The surgery would involve an IV during the procedure and at least three months of soft foods. How was I going to do this and get the food I needed to eat in order to stay in the program? Could I stay on my abstinent food plan? Was there a possibility of a modified food plan in FA? Would I get kicked out SUSAN D., CA and have to start over? The next morning I called my sponsor to tell her my food choices for the day. I was trying extra hard not to act like a basket case. I was shooting for dignified and calm. My sponsor made few phone calls on my behalf. Within hours she placed me in contact with a fellow in our Dallas June 2020

fellowship who knew another FA member with 13 solid years of abstinence who could advise me. I was finally able to stop holding my breath. In a few days I would call the person who held the secrets to solving this dilemma. My first phone call to this woman was introductory. She said to call back three days before the dental surgery and then we could talk about the food items that I needed to buy. She reassured me and urged me to stop thinking about it and to take it one day at a time. Finally, it was time to call and get details. This gentle Boston native helped me create food plans for the immediate period following the procedure. We also discussed future food plans that would allow me to eat without chewing. (Yes, when you have your bottom teeth removed, you cannot chew food.) The first three days following the procedure, my chin looked like Jay Leno’s and my face had the beginning of purple bruising along my jaw line, especially on the left. I looked like I had been in a car wreck or a bar fight and lost. I had some pain that prescription-strength Advil took care of. Even though I could barely open my mouth, I was still able to follow a food plan that met my needs and allowed me not to eat any flour or sugar products. I began to believe that it was connection

going to work out after all. I knew my Higher Power was behind this. Several weeks ago I had my stitches removed. I am now beginning to wear my temporary teeth until I am healed. In case you’re wondering, artificial teeth do not work like the real thing. I had fantasized about eating an actual piece of meat. When trying to chew, the temporary teeth popped right off. I will have to pray for patience. When I look back at the community of support and genuine concern and caring that I’ve received from my FA group, I feel overwhelmed with gratitude. Somehow I was placed where I needed to be. Not only were my holy and physical needs being met, but my mind was at peace and I felt well cared for. People had really stepped up to help me get through this. A couple FA fellows have mentioned how different my experience could have been if I hadn’t known about FA. I imagine I would be parked outside a 7-11 convenience store getting sugary frozen treats to soothe my mouth. I would be a crazy lady on a sugar high eating soft junk food and feeling terrible. Instead, I feel happy, healthy and holy with one difference; I don’t have bottom teeth. Not yet anyway, maybe in two more months. Cathy H., Texas, US 5

Frontier Focus

Service is the Key

found Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA) in Atlanta in May 2014. I would frequently arrive early to arrange chairs for my meetings. Usually, around 10 minutes before the meeting started, multiple fellows would sprinkle into the room. I moved to the FA frontier July 2017, however, things were very diﬀerent. On my first meeting night in my new fellowship, I walked into that cold meeting room without another fellow in sight and set up chairs as normal. The meeting time came and, after 10 minutes, no one had shown up. I later learned that most of the fellows who attended this meeting were visiting family out of town. So it looked like it would just be me that evening. I became a little emotional because the large and continuously growing fellowship I took for granted was not at my disposal anymore. In my new fellowship, I hadn’t been met with the same large number of fellows. When I left Atlanta, there were 14 meetings every week. Now, my next closest meeting was 80 miles away. While choking back tears, I remembered what a fellow told me when she started a

meeting in Atlanta. “It didn’t matter if anyone came. I held a meeting every Monday night.” In that moment, I adhered to her suggestions. I began to read the format, and shortly afterward, two fellows showed up. What I learned from this experience was that I showed up for my meeting no matter what! Since moving to the frontier, I have grown because I go to any lengths for my recovery today. I co-lead a phone AWOL (A Way of Life, a study of the Twelve Steps) and attend Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings as a substitute for FA meetings. I reach out to more fellows on a daily basis. I also jump on any opportunity to do service. I’ve helped plan conventions, participated as a speaker for multiple public information sessions, and taken on more sponsees. I find that service is the key to keeping my abstinence today. By giving myself away, I find that God gives me so much more! I’m grateful to have my small fellowship. By following suggestions and working the tools of the FA program, I do not have to abuse myself with food, regardless of the size of my fellowship. Rafael B., Florida, US June 2020

The Taste of Recovery

came into Food Addicts in Recovery way to eat my brains out and be thin. I never Anonymous (FA) when it was 90-Day wanted to stop eating, especially flour and OA (Overeaters Anonymous) for one sugar. Flour, sugar, fat and salt were the reason only: to lose weight. At 5’2” and 200 mainstays of my daily eating. My thoughts pounds (about 91 kilos) at my heaviest, I were consumed with food and everything thought if I could only lose “a little” weight, related to it. Was I going to eat today or was everything would be great. The rest of my I going to be “good?” Was this a diet day or life was fine, thank you very much. Denial a fasting day? How long could I put oﬀ eatwas working! ing? What was I cravNever having been ing? How much I had never heard the words would to a Twelve-Step I allow myself meeting before, this today? Which stores food and addict program was nothwas I going to stop ing more than anat? Could I get somein the same sentence. other diet, and I had one to go to a restaua lot of experience Freedom today is knowing rant with me? Of with diets. You name course, I couldn’t go I am a food addict. it, I tried it. From the alone! What recipe time I was a teenager, was I going to make? I had been on one diet or another. Weight Was I going to bake? And on and on it Watchers, Diet Workshop, Cambridge went. My brain never shut oﬀ. I was obDiet, Slimfast, cabbage soup, grapefruit, sessed with food and everything about it. Atkins, counting calories, low carbohyToday I know flour and sugar are drugs for drate, diet pills, shots, hypnosis, acupressure, me, but back then I had no idea. No one and on and on. Almost every diet worked had ever told me I had an allergy to flour, the first time I tried it, but once I lost a little sugar and quantities. No one had ever sugweight I went back to eating the old way gested I might be a food addict. I had never and I was in trouble. The weight came back heard the words food and addict in the on in a flash and I could not stop eating. same sentence. I was searching for the magic bullet—a Freedom today is knowing I am a food adconnection

dict. I am allergic to flour, sugar and quan- ing pans, baking ingredients and everything tities, plus a few other personal binge foods. I had used to “play with my drugs.” They are drugs for me. Weighing and measI got to the place where I wanted to be aburing my food gives me a freedom I never stinent more than I wanted to eat. I wanted had. I was always craving whatever it was I recovery. I wanted what those who were abwasn’t eating. I couldn’t wait for whatever stinent, especially long-term abstinence, diet I was on to be over so I could start eat- had. Not only was my body changing, my ing “this” or “that.” Most times the diet was mind was, too. The constant noise in my over long before the weight ever came off. head started to shut off. My life started getEspecially once they started making diet ting better and, oddly enough, everyone in frozen sugar products or diet desserts. A my life was getting better. All because I put whole box became a serving. my food on the scale and did what I was The difference for me today is that FA is told. I didn’t know how it was working, but not a diet. It is a way of life. As soon as I I knew it was. stopped eating flour, sugar and quantities, I joined an AWOL (A Way of Life, a the cravings disappeared. Unfortunately, study of the Twelve Steps). I worked each that was not on the first day I came into step as it came, one step at a time. I walked Program. It took me several years to finally through my fears and found there was put the food down, surrender and start nothing to fear. I discovered that everything working the program as it was meant to be I ever needed was on the other side of my worked. I got out of the driver’s seat, fear. I completed my first AWOL and my stepped to the back of the bus and let my life got better. I found recovery and I craved Higher Power drive. more and more. Thank God I didn’t leave Program during I don’t take this program for granted. I those first few years. Something kept me treat it as if it is the greatest gift I have ever here. Today I know it was the grace of my been given, because it is. I work this proHigher Power. When I started getting gram as it is suggested to me. I don’t try to down on my knees every day, asking for an rewrite the program according to my wants abstinent day in the morning and thanking or desires. This program has changed my God at night, I got what I asked for. I life. Every relationship in my life is better. started using every tool daily, not just the It’s a program for those who want it, and I ones I wanted to use. I wrote my food down want it. I’ve tasted recovery and I want every night and I didn’t change it on a more of it. whim. I surrendered my cookbooks, bakNancy O., Florida, US 8

June 2020

True Partnership

joined FA in April 2010. I weighed 304 pounds (about 138 kilos) at that time, though my top weight was 330 pounds (about 150 kilos). I’m grateful to be maintaining a slim, healthy weight, but this is just one of the benefits of being abstinent. Before FA, I had a very co-dependent relationship with my partner. We loved each other dearly and were madly in love, but when we would have arguments, it was war. Each of us was ready to fight to be victorious. After huge arguments and battles, I was exhausted. The only way I knew how

to make amends was to cook great meals and then eat the issue away. We never could resolve our arguments and disagreements, nor communicate about certain topics in our relationship, because we did not have the skills. So when I found FA, I no longer could use food as a tool to try and soften myself or my partner, nor could I make amends with the food. I (we) had to learn how to talk it through. It started with my sponsor suggesting that I not sit in front of the television while eating. She said be present for my meals, so my partner and I switched oﬀ the tele-

MEREDITH M., PA

connection

vision and started sitting at the dining table. Today, this is our favorite time of the day, when we sit at the dining table and have our meals together. Our conversations have developed into deep and meaningful discussions. We get to speak about what goes on for us and what we can do to improve, and we both feel heard. When we have some turbulence today, we don’t use other things to try to forget about the issue. We both sit down and we get to talk about diﬃcult and challenging topics, while staying respectful and considerate of each other and not forgetting that we love each other. We’d each rather have peace than be right. Don’t get me wrong—we are far from perfect, and I constantly have to ask God to help me because my ego wants to be the right one. But through FA and the guidance of my sponsor, I get to look at my part, pray for my partner, and watch how things just improve. My partner is not in FA, but has started her own recovery in another Twelve-Step program. Today, both of us get on our knees at night before we go to bed and we pray together. My partner prays to God to bless me and I pray that God blesses my partner. After 14 years, we love and respect each other deeply. If it weren’t for FA, I don’t think we still would have been together. Thank you FA and thank you God! Sta-sia E., South Africa 10

Twelve Steps T

1. We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to food addicts and to practice these principles in all our affairs. June 2020 Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous

Cookbooks

came into FA in January 2004 at age 58. By that time, I had made several efforts to control my crazy eating, having been overweight, underweight and bulimic throughout much of my life. One of the very distinct ways I could trace the path of my journey was by simply looking at my bookshelf. I had an array of cookbooks that ranged from the basic Good Housekeeping to Basic Macrobiotic Cooking, vegetarian cookbooks, vegan recipes and on into the final trip I took with the Raw Foods Bible, all representing

WENDY W., FL

connection

the many side trips I had taken in an effort to rein in my eating. With each of these phases I embarked on, I was convinced that this one was “it.” This was the magic formula I could use for the rest of my life. Macrobiotics was healthy; it would balance my body and moods. All the books told me so. When that got way too complicated, I decided that being vegetarian was the best path to follow. It was good for the environment, good for my body and for sure would stabilize my weight. Those were the promises. When that was not enough, I took it one step further and cut out all animal products, claiming to myself and anyone else who would listen, that veganism was the cleanest and kindest one yet. I justified all of these side trips with my political beliefs, not without a certain degree of superiority. In truth, it was all in an effort to control my weight. These may well work for others, but not for me, not how I used them. The last of my attempts just before coming into FA was raw foods. I bought the books that included the recipes and all the rationale. Thus I could quote chapter and verse as to why this was the ultimate winner. At one point during this particular 11

phase, my husband stood in the door of gram. Eventually, I packed them up in a the kitchen and watched me making box and drove to the thrift store in the some concoction. I can picture him to next town. The person I handed them to this day, standing there, hands in his pock- was delighted, saying they had several ets, shaking his head, then turning around books but were low on cookbooks. and walking out. He was through trying As I drove away, I felt enormous joy and to keep up with or wrap his head around freedom. The thrift store got what it anything I was doing with food. needed and hopefully someone out there It was shortly after that when a high is enjoying what had become, for me, a school friend came to visit. She had found symptom of the disease of food addicFA and was singing its praises, and saying tion. I got what I consider the greatest gift she thought it would of all, which was anhelp me. I didn’t Although I knew I would other layer of the think I needed help. peace that only freeI was 15 pounds undom from addictive no longer need them, derweight and eating can give. thought I was just Early in this proto surrender and let them fine. It didn’t take gram, I was told that go took a little more time ... long, however, for every surrender me to look at my brings you closer to collection of cook- I felt enormous joy and freedom. God. When I first books and realize heard that, I was so this was all a little nuts. hoping there might be an easier, softer The cookbooks were the tip of the ice- way to get closer to God. While I am sure berg. So much of what constitutes the dis- there are many ways to increase my closeease of food addiction was underneath ness to God, surrender is clearly one of the surface and yet to be revealed. Four- the most powerful. I think of surrender as teen years later it is still being revealed. a process, not an event. Each day in FA ofAfter a month or so in FA, it was sug- fers the opportunity for me to let go of gested that I get rid of the cookbooks. Al- something else; there is always more. In though I knew I would no longer need the process, I have found that, indeed, them, to surrender and let them go took every surrender does bring me closer to a little more time, as did most of the God. things I have had to surrender in this proGlenny D., Maine, US 12

June 2020

The Meaning of Commitment

efore I joined Food Addicts in Re- not the other way around. On the rare occovery Anonymous (FA), I never casion that I tried to back out of a meeting, really learned much about the my sponsor would say to me, “You have a word “commitment.” When I agreed to be serious illness. If you had kidney failure somewhere—a party, work, a class—I and your doctor said you needed dialysis would back out if something better came four times a week, you would go no matter along, if I didn’t feel what.” I couldn’t like it at the time, if I argue with that. didn’t think it was When I’m tired, or I don’t feel When I was 280 that important, or if pounds (about 127 I had some kind of like it, or there’s something else kilos) at 22 years old, mild physical sympmy doctors had told going on, or someone wants me the same thing in tom I later heard called “the vague aldifferent terms. I had me to stay home, I go to coholic illness.” The started to have result was that I health problems remy meetings anyway. showed up for my lated to my weight commitments perand eating at a very haps 60 percent of the time. young age. In my first year and a half in After I came to FA and decided it was for program, I lost 150 pounds (about 68 me, my sponsor suggested I commit to the kilos) and my life got much better. Even same four meetings every week. Shortly when I went to my meetings reluctantly or thereafter, that became three meetings and missed something that felt important, I alan AWOL (A Way of Life, a study of the ways left the meeting feeling hopeful, Twelve Steps). When I balked at meetings happy, and not alone. or something else seemed more pressing, My current sponsor, who has been sponmy sponsor said that there were only three soring me for 25 years, never said anything reasons to miss a committed meeting: a fu- as prescriptive about meetings as the “wedneral, a wedding, or a fever. I was told to ding, funeral or fever” statement. Howschedule my life around my program, and ever, I still schedule my life around my connection

program, and not the other way around. ness, and meetings are part of the medicine Sometimes that’s difficult, but I still know that keep it at bay. that remaining abstinent is the most im- This morning I had a committed meetportant thing in my life. When I’m tired or ing. I made sure to get there 10 minutes I don’t feel like it, or there’s something else early and I ended up sitting next to a going on, or someone wants me to stay woman who had just eaten the day before. home, I go to my meetings anyway. We talked; I was able to share with her that I have to be honest and say that with a full getting through those difficult times gets life, a full-time job, a husband, and two very so much easier if we are just willing to put challenging pre-teen kids, going to three our abstinence first and not eat, one day at meetings per week “no matter what,” is not a time. I got to hear people share from the what I would choose front of the room for myself. But this about things I strugI have a serious illness, week, I was regled with all of my minded that if I don’t life: obesity, fear, inand meetings are part go to my committed security, impatience. meetings and work At the break, I spoke of the medicine my program fully, I with a newcomer that keep it at bay. pay the price. I had who was struggling, missed some meetand after the meetings for reasons outside of my control and ing, I was approached by someone coming I experienced the old feelings of negativity back to FA who needed to talk. I left the and irritability seeping into my thoughts. meeting, and my feelings of negativity It is hard to identify exactly why missing were replaced with disbelief at the second meetings always has this effect, but it never chance of life I’ve been given. fails. Later in the day, my sister-in-law invited If I had the same approach to commit- me and my husband to meet her new ment as I had before FA, I might not show boyfriend and said she felt safe introducup more than 60 percent of the time, making him to us first because we are “so staing a variety of excuses for why I needed to ble.” It’s only because of FA and the tools miss my meetings. But I am grateful to see of this program, including the “medicine” the gravity of my disease, now that I am in I get at meetings, that anyone would deFA. It is as true today as it was when I came scribe me that way. into FA 26 years ago. I have a serious illJoanna A., Maryland, US 14

June 2020

No Matter What

Waiting for an Open Door

nemployed, but abstinent, I had been looking for a job for over 18 months. I showed up to countless interviews, job workshops, networking events and more. I was reminded by this program to stay in action each day to keep my mind from going into any sort of despair about my future. On days where there was simply no action to take, I felt as though God was silent to my endless prayers, but my dear fellows and sponsor kept reminding me about the goodness of my Higher Power and that I was being gifted with clean abstinence throughout the whole journey. One of my FA fellows kept telling me that I just needed to kiss a lot of frogs before finding the right job. Job searching was truly just like dating. I showed up to several promising looking job opportunities that seemed so perfect for me, yet I didn’t get them. What was I doing wrong? How long would I have to be on this painful search? My mind kept living anywhere but today, but outreach calls, meetings and my food scale kept my mind out of the gutter. If I didn’t have fellows to talk to, I might have done something terribly destructive, like connection

stuﬀ my feelings or throw my Higher Power out the window. However, fellows would gently listen to my fears, my doubts, and my woes, and they would slip in little dosages of recovery to my mind, which I was ever so grateful for. They helped me get oﬀ the misery train and get on the recovery train after every outreach call. I was able to resume taking the next right action after getting caught up in the future. At times it was hard for me to attend my meetings because I just wanted people to leave me alone and not ask how I was doing. It was painful to be real and raw. My sponsor reminded me that FA meetings were a great place to practice having loving conversations with people, so I began to pray and ask God to use me in my meetings and have a light spirit about “what I’m doing these days.” It humbled me to hear stories of food addiction and other issues people faced in their addiction. It was as if God said to me, “Girlfriend, you’d better wipe up those tears because you have no reason to be crying. I have saved you from food addiction and will continue to save you, one moment at a time. I will provide for you, but you’ve got to trust me.” The meetings 15

were setting my head straight. Thankfully, I did not have a desire to eat addictively during this time. Food never crossed my mind. I did as was suggested and put my FA spiritual toolkit first. I am grateful I had structure during this time or I would have nursed every negative thought possible. I would have been swallowed whole by the sorrow and sadness of not getting what I wanted on my terms. Over one year later, my Higher Power parted my “Red Sea.” A woman I was doing side work for told me about a job opening. It was my dream workplace. I was oﬀered a position, and after my sponsor nudged me to ask for higher pay than they were oﬀering, my employer met me halfway. I would have never asked for a higher pay from anyone prior to FA because I would’ve been scared of being rejected or viewed as ungrateful. But in FA, I learned to ask for what I wanted and let God decide the results. I now know that my Higher Power was full-on protecting me from every job I didn’t get. Every door that I previously tried to pry open just seemed to not open. All I could do was put one foot in front of the other, weigh and measure my food, work my tools, and accept my life as it was each day. But I have since realized that every rejection was God saying, “I have something way better. Trust me. You can’t see it because you’re just a little human on this 16

earth.” Now I am in awe of how God has given me such a loving, kind, and wonderful workplace. My boss is a complete angel, my job supports my meal times and FA recovery, and my commute is just over ten minutes from home. I get to be of service to people that I love and adore, and I get paid to do it. I get to go to my meetings and have my recovery, all the while growing in a career I couldn’t have dreamed of having. If I had known this was coming a year and a half ago, I wouldn’t have had so many woes. But that is the whole point of recovery, to trust and let go and believe that God will care for me if I turn my entire life into His caring hands. May I always remember that when one door closes, God opens another. I have the FA program to help me shut up, suit up, and get movin’ to my next right action. I continue to learn that my Higher Power is not in the business of making me happy and satisfied in worldly things like food and jobs. He is in the business of showing me how powerless I am, and how powerful and wonderful He is. I am so thankful that I didn’t have to learn this lesson by taking a bite of my drug. I pray that I never stop working on what God puts in front of me. If I stay abstinent, I can hear at least half of God’s whispers, and sometimes more! Rachel F., California, US June 2020

Lighten Up! N

A ANN

M B., N

Gone to the Dogs

y 100-pound (about 45 kilos) Bouvier des Flandres dog has endured many early morning sponsor/sponsee calls over the last nine years. I end each call with the Serenity Prayer and, because he is such a smart dog, he knows that he is one step closer to breakfast every time he hears me say the prayer. Now I only have a few sponsees that need to talk to me every day, so the number of times he hears the Serenity Prayer each morning varies. Consequently, some days he has started doing his “happy dance of breakfast connection

joy” a little too early. For the last few weeks I have had to tell him, “Go sit down! We haven’t talked to Gladys yet (name changed).” When he hears that, he goes to a corner and sits down. One morning I spoke Gladys’ name, but not in the context of telling him to hold oﬀ on his breakfast euphoria. When he heard her name, however, he went to his corner and sat down! Thanks to FA, my dog has learned a new command: Gladys equals sit! Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?! Peggy W., Kentucky, US 17