The Truth be Told

I have been abstinent for over four years now (thanks to my Higher Power). I am amazed by fellows’ comments about how lucky I am to have “just gotten it [abstinence] and never had to struggle like me.” Me? Not Struggled? I was over 340 pounds, as wide as I was tall, and contemplating suicide. I ate until I literally threw-up; I woke up at 3:30 in the morning to walk three miles every day; I fasted at least one day a week and still my weight continue to climb up the scale. One would think I was the epitome of desperate enough to “just get it.” But that’s not my story.

At first I did not think I would ever get more than 10 days! I had a slew of breaks, many of which I don’t fully recall. Once, cleaning up after dinner, I mindlessly popped something into my mouth and swallowed it whole. Cleaning off all the leftovers was just my natural cleanup process. Of course I was still fixing non-abstinent food for my family – they shouldn’t have to suffer this diet, too! Plus we already owned those foods. I couldn’t be wasteful and had to cook it. I was furious that counted as a break. “I didn’t mean to do it”, I reasoned. “That’s not even one point by Weight Watcher’s standards” I bartered. But my sponsor was patient and continued to stress that this was not a diet and that clean abstinence tasted better than any food item ever would. I used the tool of the telephone in hopes of finding a sympathetic ear to assure me that it wasn’t really that bad and shouldn’t count; I was furious when the very wise, long time member gently pointed out that if I could ever have had “just one” I probably would not have ended up being a size 36. That was hard to hear, but I did hear it and knew it to be true.

Later, on a vacation I planned before program and wouldn’t even consider canceling, a horrific storm roared through during the evening. With no back-up plan and no inkling to seek advice, I went out to eat. Not knowing how to order abstinently, I ordered the ‘healthiest’ thing on the menu, which was still a far cry from abstinent.

Shortly thereafter, in a fit of frustration and anger, I left FA. I didn’t call my sponsor or use the tools that this program offers. I went back to eating the type and quantity of food I was accustomed to. It was awful. None of it tasted as good as I remembered. The caffeine didn’t have quite the kick I remembered. The feel of grease on my fingers was grossly disturbing. Some items were too sweet and felt like they were hurting my teeth. Food was not providing me any comfort; it was not numbing me out. I could no longer ignorantly eat while knowing that it had a direct link to my physical and mental deterioration. Deep down I just knew I was not meant to be eating like that. So with no forewarning, after three days, I simply called my sponsor at 5:30 the following morning. I was grateful that she was up and had not filled my slot. But she was not happy with my behavior and sternly let me know. It was another hard lesson to hear, but again I heard it and knew it to be true. (I never missed a call after that.)

At one point, when I was really upset about something (I have absolutely no recollection of what) I stole snacks from my son’s stash. As I hid in my room I made the empty promise that it will just be this one and no one will ever have to know. When I was on the fifth snack-bag my son walked into my room unannounced. “I’ll buy you more next time I’m at the store”, I quipped. Puzzled, he informed me he didn’t mind sharing his snacks but he thought it was weird I was hiding them in my room. After he left my room I got on my knees and cried. What was wrong with me?!? Who does this with food? Who steals food from their children? What had I gained by eating those things? What did it solve? Absolutely nothing and I realized I could not keep it from my sponsor. On my knees I heard that I was a Food Addict; it was hard to hear; but I heard it and knew it to be true.

Finally I broke the 10-day merry-go-round cycle. I had 45 days of abstinence. I felt lighter both physically and mentally. I felt an accomplishment high to FINALLY be getting this whole abstinence thing. On one of my calls a fellow member, the same person who pointed out I couldn’t have just one, shared how she had a break after ten years. She had inadvertently forgotten to eat a portion of her meal and when she realized it an hour later, she took her will back and justified that it was rightfully hers and ate it. She seemed almost happy to be back on day one. She was grateful to be reminded of how cunning, powerful and baffling her disease was, grateful for the humility of taking the cotton out of her ears and sticking it in her mouth for a while, grateful for a deeper understanding of the true definition of commitment, abstinence and meal (a meal being something we sit down and eat in one sitting, not some now and some later). She had made a commitment not to just herself but also to another human being and to her Higher Power and then she just reneged on that word. That was a baffling call to take. First I could never, ever imagine being grateful for the dreaded, punishing Day One sentence. Second, I had never really thought about the true definition of commitment and meal. But I did hear what she really had to say and I knew it to be true.

I was struck silent realizing that I was continually reneging on my word. I realized that although I had been off flour and sugar I was still not abstinent. I was breaking up meals around meetings, calls and errands. I was switching committed lunches with the committed dinner justifying it was all the same calories in a day. The following morning I explained to my sponsor that without malicious intent, or really even conscience awareness, I had been dishonest and I that I was choosing to go back to Day One. This return to Day One felt different, not shameful or demeaning when I spoke of it with my fellows. I realized there was a lesson in each break and this was part of my learning process; I learned that I didn’t have bad eating habits, I had a disease deep down in my DNA structure, that I needed as much discipline as my disease had strength. Again my Sponsor’s patience and understanding prevailed. She re-explained that the FA program was not a diet and the importance and freedom of turning our food over to a Higher Power. She re-explained the importance of clean, simple, structured meals, the importance of our tools, and life in recovery as she knew it.

The following 90 days felt so much better. Keeping my word, keeping it simple, keeping it clean, keeping it together was freeing. I could really feel a physical and mental difference. I started seeing the sanity of recovery well before I finished losing the 210 pounds of excess weight. I started to see how the tools and food preparation that seemed so time consuming simply became part of the day. Experienced FA members told me that staying abstinent was easier than getting abstinent. I heard, I trusted and now, with God’s Grace, having four years of back-to-back abstinence, I know that this is my truth.