Finding and Speaking Truth

I finally hit the point of desperation and God led me to a Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA) meeting, Leap Day, February 29, 2016. I am so thankful for the stories of faith, recovery, and joy I heard there that day that provided me hope and inspiration. The stories resonated within me and deep down I knew I belonged there, but still, I went in kicking and screaming, denying, and lying to myself and my sponsor. I was told to keep coming back, keep trying one day at a time.

On March 31, 2016, I had a spiritual awakening when I finally tuned out the negative voices in my addict brain, listened and identified with my need to be “rigorously honest.” On April Fool’s Day, I said, "God please help me be honest.” I learned to commit to eating three weighed and measured meals with no sugar, no flour, and nothing in between.

One year later, I had released 90 pounds. I have maintained this weight loss for four years. But releasing the weight was the tip of the iceberg, as I learned and continue to learn so much more about my Higher Power, that I call God.

It was a white-knuckle abstinence, for a long time, at least the first year. I was constantly receiving messages from God, my sponsor, a counselor, and FA fellows to slow down and trust God. Slowly, over the past five years, I am learning little by little to release the excess doubt, worry, and insecurity and trade it for the love God lavishes upon me. Learning to let go and let God, to accept life with all its joys, learning opportunities, and trials is the gift of the FA program. Sometimes, I forget these lessons, and the fact that I am still a food addict, and always just one bite away from losing my abstinence. For instance, I had a break from my abstinence in 2019, when I let a resentment bother me and I went back for very generous second helpings of abstinent food at a work buffet. Fortunately, after praying to God, I stopped, and practiced rigorous honesty by calling my sponsor and telling her what happened. It was a golden opportunity to review just how that happened and to be ready to avoid this in the future. Happily, one day a time I have remained abstinent.

I have learned many positive coping tools that were not in my toolbox until I came to FA. One of the lingering issues I deal with is my tendency to ‘people please’. The ability to know exactly what I need and want as well as the ability to communicate effectively and assert myself appropriately to others, is sometimes a struggle, but is improving. Recently, I had another valuable lesson in how to advocate and communicate on my own behalf with a famous surgeon from my area.

Spring 2020-2021 has been an especially difficult time in the world, and I had an additional personal challenge that I faced. It may not compare to the devastating losses that many people faced during a worldwide pandemic, but for me, it was an enormous challenge. I had been navigating successfully through this time with the support of the FA program of recovery. Just days before the schools in our county shut down, I was assaulted by a middle school student and I sustained significant injuries to my wrist, shoulder, back and knee. My broken wrist required extensive surgery, and I chose an older, experienced, and renowned surgeon to take care of it. Traumatized and upset before, during, after surgery, and during my recovery I was nervous during the communications with this doctor. He demonstrated a poor bed side manner, that included negative, sexist remarks, dismissive gestures, and was impatient and irritated with my questions. I often felt that my concerns were minimalized, that I was being bullied or ignored. I struggled, but with the help of God, my sponsor, and my FA fellows I did my best to voice my concerns in a calm, direct manner. Many times, though I relied on old behaviors and was silent and submissive. I was blessed with several appointments with his physician assistant who was highly professional, considerate, and compassionate, both advising and reassuring me that I was healing and recovering well.

On March 17, 2021, the last appointment with the surgeon, was extremely important as it included a scheduled loss of use determination for Workmen’s Compensation. It was apparent that my range of motion and strength, would never be the same. I would be entitled to financial compensation that I knew I deserved. He arrived at this appointment, over an hour late, and as he strode up to my room, he muttered to a colleague, “last appointment of the day.” Wearing green, with a giddy expression, as it was St. Patrick’s Day, he apologized for arriving late, and began to rush me through the appointment. He glossed over my questions, never explained the testing he was conducting, and patted my arm and promised me I would get a “good amount of money.”

At first, I felt relief wash over me, and ignored the nagging doubt that once again, my truth had not been spoken, my legitimate questions and concerns never acknowledged. As I thought about it in the car, I felt more and more downtrodden and nervous and talked to one of my fellows that knew about the on-going problems with the surgeon. She heard me and suggested I would need to talk to him again. By the time I got home, it was late for dinner, I was tired, hungry, and upset, a serious problem for a food addict like me. I ate dinner, but I struggled all night with keeping my abstinence. I called my sponsor, and fellows, distracted myself with a favorite TV show, and a refusal to enter the kitchen. It was a night of white-knuckle abstinence. My sponsor helped me address the issue with the right questions, as I explained I thought it was all about letting myself be too tired and hungry. She reminded me that I had been tired and hungry before, that maybe I was more bothered by the dealings with the doctor.

As a result of taking the time to consider why I was struggling that night, I realized that I deserved answers to my questions and concerns. I reached out the next day and talked to a nurse who told me the surgeon “would call if he needed to.” When he did not call that day, I realized he would not call if it was his choice, so I called back, and calmly asserted my position. I needed the doctor to return my call because I had questions for him to answer. He called back a few hours later, and once again, he tried to rush me and avoid my questions. When he interrupted, I asked him to stop and please take the time to answer my direct questions, to clarify my concerns. He finally did. I felt satisfied with his answers. We understood each other now. My truth had been spoken, and I had asserted myself until I got what I needed and deserved.

The gift of abstinence that enables me to deal better with the joys and challenges life brings my way, are the benefits of living in recovery from food addiction, and I am eternally grateful for God sending me to FA.