January-February 2022: Finding Self Love. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA) by FA connection Magazine, for food addicts, by food addicts

FA Stories of Recovery from Food Addiction

January/February 2022 $2.50

Finding Self Love

January/February 2022

Columns Qualification: Contented Abstinence. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1 First 90 Days: Less is More. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .4 Frontier Focus: A Blessing in Disguise. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 No Matter What: Emergency Protocol. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23 Lighten Up: Redefining “Eating Buddy”. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .25

Features An Altar-Cation. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .9 Caught in the Act. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .11 Power of Patience. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13 Missing in Action. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .14 Scales of Recovery. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .16 Me, an Addict?. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .18 Chatty Cathy. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21

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co n n e cti on.food ad d i c ts.or g

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Qualification

Contented Abstinence

hen I was a young girl, food played a normal role in my life and was one pleasant thing among many. I rode horses, read books, played with friends, walked in the creek, and watched football on Sunday afternoons. I enjoyed sugar, but it did not call me, manipulate me, or dominate my thoughts. When it was there I ate it, enjoyed it, sometimes wished I could eat more of it, and then forgot it. Charlotte, North Carolina, my home for most of my 49 years, was a wonderful place for my two older sisters, younger brother, and me. My early childhood was largely uncomplicated and easy. Schoolwork came easily for me, as did making friends and performing most athletic endeavors. Our parents took us on trips every summer. I received love, stability, and the opportunity for interesting experiences. So out of this wonderful childhood, how did I end up a desperate, suicidal food addict? Perhaps because my childhood was so ideal, it masked the reality of my disease, but the signals were there. I was aware that there was another echelon of society that I didn’t belong to. My friend up the street went to private school. I went to public school. Her connection

house had soft, clean, butter yellow carpet on her stairs, and we had red shag carpet and lots of people around to make messes. She owned a horse, while I rented mine. This comparison bred feelings of insecurity, and my dormant disease began to grow. I believed I was not good enough, not ever. There were always those people who I felt were better than I was. That is the nature of my personal hell in the disease of food addiction. My addiction began to manifest itself when I was faced with adult decisions. In high school, some people were dating and having sex, some were building their resumes to get into college, and others were on the way to becoming addicts. Multitasker that I am, I ended up doing all of those things. High school gave me many happy memories, many of them involving food and drinking. Although I maintained a healthy weight through my formative years (5-feet, 7-inches tall and 130 pounds, about 59 kilos, in high school), the dieting had already started. My favorite diet allowed me to eat whatever I wanted until 3:00 p.m., and then nothing after that. It allowed me free access to the food, under the guise of a diet. Lots of activity, a good metabolism, and healthy meals at 1

home kept me from gaining weight, but flour and sugar had begun to call me, and I ate more of it than I should. In college, my insecurity took a quantum leap forward and my disease took off along with it. I was far away from home and felt isolated and alone. My meal plan in the dorm offered unlimited flour and sugar, and I gained 25 pounds (about 16 kilos) during the winter of my sophomore year. This weight gain created immense anxiety and shame for me. My ego battered, I embarked on a running regime (I hated that running), even running alone after dark. I did not stop running in the dark even after a young woman was raped; I was still obsessed with getting to a normal weight and staying there. After college, my friends were getting responsible jobs and starting to date nice boys. I drifted from temp jobs to secretarial work, avoiding responsibility as much as I could, not appreciating the jobs I had, and feeling unfulfilled. My ever-present ego shouted at me to do something more with my life, while feelings of insecurity hobbled my attempts to improve my situation. Finally, I discovered another Twelve-Step program for food at the age of 25. At this point I weighed 165 pounds (about 75 kilos). My top weight was 175 pounds (about 79 kilos), I desperately wanted to get married, and I was unemployed. I couldn’t find a direction for my studies or my life. 2

I went to AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meetings, got abstinent from pure sugar, and started doing service. I developed a personal relationship with a Higher Power that began to change my life. I spent ten years in that other Twelve-Step food program, where I lost all of my weight and did a lot of service. But there was this persistent, nagging belief I was still not good enough at anything I did (job, marriage, relationships), and I was not free of the food. I was at goal weight, but I contested almost every bite that went into my mouth. Was that too much? Should I have eaten that other thing instead? Should I exercise today? Did someone notice what I ate? Is life worth living? With all of those disease thoughts in my brain, no wonder I was not able to concentrate on my job or make a good life with my new husband. I actually ended up eating out of the trash can and drinking alone in a bar during my brother-in-law’s wedding reception. I was finally desperate and ashamed enough to want to try Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA). I was at goal weight when I entered FA, but I was carrying a head full of addiction, and I finally wanted to be free of the food and weight obsession. I submitted to the program, sitting in my seat and taking in what was shared. I was the fifth member of FA in our city (FA was still part of another Twelve-Step program back then), and we listened to a lot of tapes. Those sharp, clear Boston accents January/February 2022

floated down to me, cutting through the food fog and denial I’d been laboring under for so many years. Some of my first sponsors had to hear the word “why” often, but luckily, most of the program made sense. My ego rebelled, though, against being denied the right to speak for the first 90 days. I was an all-star sharer in the other Twelve-Step program, and the enforced silence irked me. Now I see those crucial first days of silence as a time of rest and learning (the all-star didn’t make it in the first few attempts at 90 days). I actually listened and began to work a really strong program for the first time in my life. Even though I had been a member of several other TwelveStep programs before I joined FA, I had never worked a rigorous program and never completely put down my drug—food. My journey through 15 years of abstinence has been a miracle of struggle, change, contentment, and joy. My husband and I have two adorable, strong-willed boys, both born to an abstinent mother. During my pregnancies, I was the picture of health—blood pressure, blood sugar, cholesterol, and weight were all perfect, and I was back in my skinny jeans less than a month after giving birth. There have also been times over the years that truly tested my recovery. My second son didn’t sleep through the night until he was almost five years old. As the weeks turned into months and then into years without sleeping, I became miserable. The miracle is that I connection

never ate over it. I am convinced that the disciplines of this program (thank you to my sponsor and everyone else who took my tearful, frustrated calls) and service kept me from breaking my abstinence. I did, however, think long and hard about the fact that I was ten years abstinent and miserable, and I knew that was not the way recovery was supposed to be. I decided to leave my sponsor. I drifted for several months, miserable, but still not eating, until my Higher Power and some FA members directed me to the sponsor I have today. She was not my first choice—I wanted another sponsor who offered more food choices and more flexibility—but I am grateful every day for the sponsor I have and the strong program she passes down to me. My food plan is simple. For me, the point of every discipline I do (I do them all every day because I need to) is to connect me to my Higher Power. My Higher Power keeps me abstinent. These are the miracles of my recovery. Today, I have no food thoughts and no cravings. I am still married to my husband, who is a good man. Our boys are growing strong and thriving in school. I’ve worked for the same company for nine years in a job that requires skill and responsibility. More and more, I’m feeling good enough. I have contented abstinence, a solution for all of my problems, and a life that I’m truly grateful for. Holli N., North Carolina, US 3

First 90 Days

Less is More

y disease of food addiction nize me; her face demonstrated concern took me on a binge for five at my stats. I weighed 197 pounds (about consecutive nights. After 89 kilos) at 5-feet, 5-inches tall, had high speaking with a friend, who mentioned blood pressure, high cholesterol, and Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous sleep apnea, and was unable to eliminate (FA) being her solution for food, I dab- bodily waste. bled in attending I was 57 years old FA meetings and sat with shattered in the back of the With the help of this new dreams. I was to rooms. I related to continue with the sponsor and other fellows, second half of the the idea that, for me, food had replaced appointment six I absorbed this new way fun, healthy dating, weeks later to comor being a great emplete blood tests to proceed with food. ployee, mother, and and begin a pregrandmother, for scription for vitaI was desperate and had too many years. min D3. Two days After a visit to later, on a Friday found the answer. Lake Tahoe for our night, I attended my company’s annual FA meeting and Snow Soiree, I was humbled. I did not picked the only woman who stood to be know whose body I brought on that trip, a sponsor. She was 29 years old and gave because I could no longer snowboard in me directions to get on my knees and ask 2010 like I had in 2002. for an abstinent day, phone her at 5:45 In sheer panic at no longer being able to a.m., and commit my food for one day. snowboard, I made a frenzied visit to my She had reiterated the FA food plan, with doctor to find out what was going on measurements and weights. “Make a list,” with my body. My doctor did not recog- she advised. I had Saturday to figure out 4

January/February 2022

how much protein, breakfast grain, vegetables, and fruit I needed to purchase if I shopped once per week. Saturday and Sunday, with the help of this new sponsor and other fellows, I absorbed this new way to proceed with

On Thursday, day five in FA, I overlooked cooking a lunch protein and instead purchased canned protein for my lunch on my way to work, thinking I could weigh out four ounces when I got there and that the scientists in the food

MEREDITH M., ME

food. I was desperate and had found the answer. It was extremely awkward in my kitchen, using my brand new food scale and preparing to pack my lunch for the work week. I carefully measured my food. This was the new and annoying regimen I had committed to out of a feeling of desperation about my health. connection

lab would let me use their scale. Thanks to a Higher Power, who was with me and protecting me from my confused and committed new self, I was trying to weigh the lunch protein when a friendly scientist came over to see what difficulty I was dealing with measuring the tin container of lunch food. “I need 5

to measure four ounces,” I said. She was when they saw my prepared lunches and confused because I had portioned out dinners, “That’s a lot of food!” such a tiny amount. She started the My struggles with mistakes ensued durprocess from scratch and showed me that ing the first several months, owing to forI mistakenly had been using the decimal getfulness, not being present, or not point in the wrong place. It turns out that, thinking through my day’s events, and all week at home, I had been measuring therefore, I’d start back at day one. The 0.4 ounces, oneobsession with tenth the amount alwanting junk food lowed on my new My struggles with mistakes lifted. With the food plan! I help of my outreach ensued during the first shrieked with relief, calls to fellows, a lot because I did think of tears and discomseveral months, owing to that having a fracfort, plenty of anger, tion of breakfast and walking forgetfulness, not being grain was a sparse through these asamount, but I pects of my personpresent, or not thinking wanted my health ality with the back, so no quesguidance of my through my day’s events, tions were asked. sponsor, I have not When I called a binged or eaten and therefore, I’d start long-time member non-abstinent food of FA as an outreach since March 27, back at day one. call that day (a 2010. physician in another I am gifted with a meeting I had attended), she exclaimed, protective bumper around my life now as “Did you think we in FA were crazy?” We a result of implementing the basic tools laughed, but I appreciated how generous we hear at every meeting in FA. My the portions had come to be. Before one Higher Power has always been protecting year on the food plan, my co-workers me and has become a force of nature, watched my body get smaller as my beauty, visual art, music, poetry, the weight gradually became 124 pounds ocean, and now I’m adding math. (about 56 kilos), and they would exclaim Karen S., California, US 6

January/February 2022

Frontier Focus

A Blessing in Disguise

“I

don’t know what your destiny will reference to the western US before Pacific be, but one thing I know: the only settlement.” Going into a bit of wilderness— ones among you who will be really yes, that is definitely what it felt like. Back in happy are those who will have sought and my home country, I left my FA friends, some found how to serve.” – Albert Schweitzer of whom I had known for all of the nearly 15 About a year ago, my husband and I chose years I had been in Program and abstinent. to move from one European country to anDuring the initial time in my new country, other with a comI was very grateful for pletely different We decided to initiate the very having paid into what culture and lanthe Twenty-Four Hours guage. According to a Day book calls insurfirst Zoom gathering in a Food Addicts in ance. Over the years, I Recovery Anonythe native language of our had built up an enmous (FA) phone dowment in serenity, list, there was one peace and happiness new chosen country. other FA member in by weighing and What a great way to spread measuring my food that new country. I was very excited and, and doing my FA prior to our move, I the message and to do service. tools. So far so good, tried to make conbut out here in the tact with her several times. Unfortunately, we wilderness, I had to take more action. And never managed to connect, which left me that is where I can really identify with the slightly less excited about the forthcoming quote by Albert Schweitzer. Service was the move out onto the frontier. answer. Planning this article, I did some research In hindsight, I am actually very grateful for into the word “frontier.” What does it actu- the coronavirus pandemic, as it opened new ally mean? “The extreme limit of settled land and wonderful ways for me to do service. Inbeyond which lies wilderness, especially in stead of going to my home meeting, I am connection

now the secretary for a Zoom gathering at service. I would like to finish with a quick look into the same time. I also learned that God was just looking to what our Twenty-Four Hours a Day book says teach me to persevere. Somehow, I wanted about service, “The Sea of Galilee is clear and to try again to contact this one other FA clean and blue, as the Jordan River carries it member in the country of 60 million people. out to irrigate the desert. To be of service to Thankfully, that perseverance paid off. We other people makes our lives worth living.” finally managed to connect and after several Being on the frontier really makes me apprecommitted calls, we decided to initiate the ciate the truth of this quote. Living on the very first Zoom gathering in the native lan- frontier has proved to be a real blessing in guage of our new chosen country. What a disguise. Chris, Italy great way to spread the message and to do

SUSIE C., UK

January/February 2022

“A

An Altar-Cation

ll right then,” I shouted an- able to stop the “dance,” the steps of grily as I left the room, which I knew only too well, where one of slamming the bedroom us would threaten to leave. In this case, it door on my way out. “I’ll just go to the was me. wedding on my own!” Heart pounding in my chest, I made my Arguments on Saturday mornings had way downstairs, overwhelmed by hurt been a familiar pattern in our 40-year and feelings of shame, unable to utter a marriage, but single word, feeling thanks to Food Adthe wall between us. It was at this point dicts in Recovery Yet I was powerless Anonymous (FA), to overcome it. This I heard a voice say, they had, I thought, was not how my day become a thing of was supposed to go. “Where is God in all this?” the past. As we arReflecting upon gued back and the situation, I forth, uttering words we would later re- quickly realized that I was not willing to gret, I felt frustrated and confused. Our ride in the car in total silence for at least intention that morning had been to cele- an hour or more, my body crawling with brate the wedding of our young FA discomfort. I did not want to attend the friend who, having weighed 500 pounds wedding on my own. FA is a program of (about 227 kilos), was now down to a honesty, and I knew that our friends mere 125 (about 57 kilos) and headed would greet us at the wedding with, “Hi down the aisle with the love of her life. there, how’re you doing?” It would be disSuch a miracle, and yet it suddenly honest to reply that we were fine when we seemed as though we were caught in a obviously were not. time warp, locked in combat. How could It was at this point I heard a voice say, we be back in the same place when I was “Where is God in all this?” How many in recovery? times had my sponsor said these words Tension and anxiety had been growing when God had been far from my steadily all morning, neither one of us thoughts in painful moments? “Ask for connection

help.” The still small voice grew louder as I got on my knees on the floor. “Please God,” I begged, “take away my pride and give me the words to break this awful silence. I don’t know what to do.” My spouse eventually appeared and searched my face for signs of contrition as he opened the door leading into the garage. In silence, we settled into our seats in the car, neither of us speaking a word as he started the engine. The garage door opened and we were on our way. Less than five minutes later, a brilliant flash along the side of the freeway caught my eye and these words suddenly tumbled out of my mouth, “Just look at those amazing Australian Tea Trees. They look as though they are on fire!” Such an ordinary sentence, but in that moment I knew that God had done for me what I could not have done for myself. I was too prideful and shut down to say anything 10

else, even though I really wanted to. The surrender of pride and a few simple words seemed to dispel the tension and hurt feelings as we continued our journey without any further conflict, each taking responsibility for our hurtful behavior. After making amends, we were able to participate in and enjoy the union of two young friends just starting out on their journey together. I learned something valuable that day. When I found enough humility to admit that I was powerless over the situation and ask my Higher Power for help, it can A come in an unexW ., ARET N MARG pected way. Today, over 15 years later, when I find myself in conflict with my spouse or anyone else, I ask myself this question, “Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?” Life is too short to waste on petty arguments. When I put my life in God’s hands, it’s a win-win situation. Diane C., California, US January/February 2022

Caught in the Act

ears prior to finding Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA), my son and I had established a special “snack drawer” system. I developed the system because I was always on a diet and did not want to be tempted. Or, more often than not, I was active in my disease and did not want to share my stash. I rarely looked in my son’s drawer because it angered me to see the empty wrappers left in the drawer when the trash can was nearby. It annoyed me even more to see the items my son skipped over. Who still has left over Easter treats in October? I was convinced that it was my son who was not normal, when I was the one who had experienced a lifetime of eating massive quantities, relying on flour and sugar, and depending on caffeine. When I joined FA, I tossed my stash of treats in preparation for my new “diet plan.” When I had been in FA for a month, I was upset about something and frustrated over the new concepts suggested by my sponsor. I felt like my life was being flipped upside down, and I needed something to relieve the pressure, anxiety, fear, and craziness I was feeling. I found myself on autopilot, headed for my connection

son’s snack drawer. I rifled through the empty wrappers, stole a bag of goodies, and rushed to my room. Behind closed doors, I scarfed down my stolen treasure and thought that no one would ever know. Since I was never able to stop eating after one bite (or one bag), I was on bag three or four when my son walked into my room to ask me a question and caught me in the act. I apologized for taking his food without asking—a lesson I was trying to instill in him, and promised to buy more. My son’s reply was simple and honest, “I am fine with sharing, I just think it’s weird you were hiding in your room with it.” Devastated, I rolled my 340-pound (about 154 kilos) self out of bed, fell to the floor on my knees, and cried. I am weird! Who steals food from their own child? I was embarrassed by getting caught, and humiliated that I would have to tell my sponsor about this incident. I berated myself for not trying the suggestions of my sponsor, fellows, and literature that might have prevented this moment. I wanted all the craziness around food and weight to stop. That moment of being caught by my son drove me into the action of Step 11

One—admitting I was a food addict, powerless over food. I suddenly realized that I wanted the promises of the program more than the snacks in the drawer. I now have over three years of abstinence and my son is 14. He still has a snack drawer, but I stay completely out of it. It is not worth giving up my serenity or abstinence to even look in it, and he’s old enough to let me know when it needs to be replenished. As I passed his snack drawer today, I noticed that it was open and there wasn’t a single empty wrapper in there. In fact, there were no wrappers in there at all. The drawer was empty. It turns out that keeping it well stocked was my obsession, not his. I am not normal around food, and that is okay, because now I have a relationship with my son that is not normal by many of my friend’s standards. My son and I often have all three meals together, both eating healthy, abstinent food. Our greetings still include hugs and kisses, even when friends are around. “I love you” is widely used, regardless of who’s listening. While we get ready for bed, he tells me about his day, his concerns, and his plans. We are studying an online class together. He and his friends regard me as a “cool” mom, and when a teenager tells you that you are a cool mom, it is proof that the promises of this program really do exist. Karen W., Washington, US 12

Twelve Traditions 1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on FA unity. 2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority – a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern. 3. The only requirement for FA membership is a desire to stop eating addictively. 4. Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or FA as a whole. 5. Each group has but one primary purpose – to carry its message to the food addict who still suffers. 6. An FA group ought never endorse, finance or lend the FA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose. 7. Every FA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions. 8. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers. 9. FA, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve. 10. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues, hence the FA name ought never be drawn into public controversy. 11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films. 12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities. 2022 Adapted with permission fromJanuary/February Alcoholics Anonymous

Power of Patience

y need for immediate gratification brought me the food I wanted and the body I hated. It bought me things from the mall and financial juggling. It also brought me mental confusion and self-loathing. I come from a background of not knowing how to wait, even when I knew I should. I was so impatient that my husband used to say, “You expect me to answer your question even before you are finished asking it.” My impatience brought me discontent and sorrow. It created such fear in me. I wanted my share of everything. I wanted it now. I always thought that I would not get enough. I had periods of “white-knuckle” control, both with eating and shopping. Then I would completely let loose, which resulted in a fog of unconscious eating, shopping, or both. Later, I had to suffer the consequences of weight gain and debt. I have been in Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA) for almost six years and am realizing more and more how impatience has ruled my life. Now I am learning to replace the fear of waiting and not instantly getting what I want with faith that I will get it when or if I should. Because of this, I have gotten so many life rewards—life rewards vs. the rewards of immediate gratificaconnection

tion. Just knowing the difference between the two is a blessing. The rewards of my balanced and disciplined life are peace of mind and a good feeling about myself. As long as I work my program and ask God for help, my life just keeps getting more disciplined and better. I used to marvel at how other people could be so disciplined with their lives, work, actions, thoughts, and especially with their eating. (Although I used to always ask God for help, I had trouble waiting for an answer!) I was led to this program and to a more patient, saner, and clearer life. This is where God led me to learn and practice a disciplined life and to experience my life rewards. I’m no longer afraid to sit down and face my bills. I am happy to see what’s in front of me and take the right action of paying my bills on time. I am not afraid of not getting enough. I love my weighed and measured meals, and I love knowing that I am eating enough and not too much. I love that my meals make me feel full and satisfied, not empty and sick. I am full of gratitude for this program. Thank you God for teaching me how to stop long enough to enjoy my life rewards, and to wait for my husband to answer a question. Anonymous 13

Missing in Action

y weakness is God’s opportunity. When the coronavirus pandemic arrived unexpectedly, I was suddenly faced with the scary prospect of working from home, with no supervision or accountability, alone only with my thoughts and self-will for company. During the next two weeks of chaos, my in-person Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA) meetings were cancelled, including my AWOL (A Way of Life, a study of the Twelve Steps). Suddenly, my whole foundation, sense of stability, and security seemed threatened, leaving me feeling completely disoriented and confused. Even though I had been abstinent for three years and working my FA program, I felt totally powerless and without any direction. It was then that the food cravings started. Fortunately, I picked up the phone and another member pointed out that I was MIA (missing in action), encouraging me to write down the letters P-A-C-E (positive action changes everything). I was so grateful for that suggestion and felt blessed that I have a wonderful program like FA, which is always available to me, giving me the tools that can help me through any changes, challenges, or 14

world events that I might experience in my life. Reflecting on taking the action, I realized that I needed to call my sponsor more frequently. I was reminded that the hard work of recovery during the last three years have all been for a good reason, so I am able now to look back with a new awareness, drawing from all the past conversations, car pools, pain, joy, and spiritual growth that will help me to sustain my abstinence during this new reality. Using my sponsor’s guidance, I increased my use of the FA tools, taking the time to strengthen my relationship with a Higher Power. I took extra quiet time, learning to sit still and feel my feelings, giving myself time to process any unresolved issues or conflicts. I reached out and made more phone calls, attended four phone gatherings a week, and listened to podcasts of stories about recovery. After attending a writing workshop for connection magazine, I even wrote some articles. Committing one hour a day to FA has made the other 23 hours count more in my life. One night I woke up in the middle of a vivid dream in which I was bingeing, deep into my addiction. January/February 2022

Unable to sleep and terrified that I was prayers, reading the Twenty-Four Hours a about to take the bite, I walked around, Day book, and a half-hour of quiet time, trying to distract myself and find some I was barely thinking about that early serenity. I heard a voice say, “Are you will- morning call, remembering only the ing to go to any lengths? Then call an- compassion and kindness of the Ausother FA member and be honest about tralian member and the amazing joy of wanting to binge. Ask for suggestions.” waking up that day abstinent. My mind made the I will never comexcuse to just go plain or worry back to sleep beabout my phone bill Reflecting on taking cause it was late and again, as there is no the action, I realized that price to put on abI didn’t have an international calling stinence. It is worth I needed to call my sponsor everything. Later, plan. I immediately when attending my more frequently. picked up the phone AWOL, I phone and called was able to share my I was reminded that another fellow in experience, strength Australia. When and hope by relating the hard work of recovery how I had needed to asked if I was okay, I told him about the during the last three years have surrender and ask craving in my dream for help with humiland the fear of all been for a good reason. ity. Doing the work breaking my abstiof recovery was nence. I was honest more rewarding and about my inability to sleep because of my less painful than the misery I would have sense of inadequacy around being a new endured during my whole weekend. I sponsor. The fellow FA member was able learned that with the strength of my to relate to all my difficulties and very Higher Power and my Australian “angel,” kindly suggested that I do quiet time. I was able to stay abstinent no matter pray, then go back to sleep immediately. what, giving me the freedom to live a proAfter following his suggestions, I was able ductive life, filled with recovery, family, to sleep until 5:00 am. When I woke up work, service and divine guidance. to start the day with my usual routine of Anonymous connection

Scales of Recovery

had only been in Food Addicts in ReNow, after almost nine years in FA (one covery Anonymous (FA) for a few day at a time, one meal at a time), I am also months, and was still learning how to reminded just how important the scale is in plan, shop, and cook the FA way, when I in- all the other areas of my life. It’s not just a revited some FA friends over to eat. I had eaten placement for my broken or non-existent out at other homes with groups of FA gauge for food quantities (the physical). It’s friends, and so I was familiar with what equally as important as a measurement tool seemed at the time for my mental, emothe strange practice Along with my food, I have tional, and spiritual of everyone bringing health. I have broken, their own weighed to weigh out every thought, non-existent gauges and measured meals, in those areas, too. silverware, napkins, every action, every choice. Along with my food, drinks, etc. I was feelI have to weigh out ing uncomfortable not cooking for every- every thought, every action, every choice. So one and not setting a “proper” table (as we for me to achieve balance in every area of my Southern women are taught to do from life, I need the physical scale to weigh my birth!). So I decided to set the table anyway, food and my body, as well as a mental, emoputting out cloth napkins, china, and my tional, and spiritual scale for conducting my good silverware. life. These are crucial to my recovery. The afternoon of my party, I had to run And what doesn’t fit into this scale? Well, some last-minute errands. While waiting in me for one. I don’t fit. I have to get out of the a checkout line, I spotted a box of tiny mag- way. I can’t be in the driver’s seat. I have to “let nets shaped like miniature scales. I felt it was go and let God.” There is only room in this the perfect touch for my new FA friends. physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual How about being at the right place at the scale for my Higher Power. Just as my body right time? Was this just a coincidence? I receives exactly the amount of food it needs don’t think so! I quickly scooped up the each meal when I weigh and measure my magnets. I still smile each time I look at mine food, the same thing happens when I put my on the refrigerator. Higher Power in charge of “the scale.” Life 16

January/February 2022

LINDA G., IRELAND

works out! Imagine that! No matter what life. I am completely filled up with strength, happens each day, no matter what problems hope, courage, joy, serenity, and peace. That’s come up, when I turn over “the scale” to my why using “the scale” the FA way gives back. Higher Power and get out of the way, my day All the promises of the program are mine, is filled with miracles. That’s pretty incredible one day at a time, one meal at a time. that miracles are possible in all areas of my Peggy W., North Carolina, US connection

Me, an Addict?

was born as an only child of middle brought up to never discuss anything that income, hard-working parents. went on in our home. I lied about the life When I was around nine, my mother I had and told stories of how I wanted my decided it was time for me to start taking life to be. care of myself and start getting dinner Fortunately, my father was wonderful to ready before she came home from work. me. He taught me to love nature, as he This meant I couldn’t play with my did, and we would take long walks in the friends for long, and woods behind our I was never allowed As I sat there listening to the house. He taught to bring them to my me the names of house. I spent most leader of the meeting and others birds, flowers, and of my time by mytrees, and he broke self. I was learning get up and share their stories, open rocks so I to cook at school could see how beauI thought, I am not an addict. and would practice tiful they were inat home. I cooked side. When I was and then cleaned up everything before with my father, nothing else seemed to my mother came home. My mother was matter. One summer, his company was very strict and I thought she would beat on strike when I was out of school and me if she came home and found a mess. I my mother was working. That was the learned at an early age that I enjoyed best summer of my life, because I got to cooking, and food gave me comfort. I spend time alone with my father. He was very lonely. taught me how to fly a kite, plant the garMy father came home from the war den, and enjoy being outdoors. with a lot of mental problems, which During my childhood, a well-known made him paranoid and not very socia- fast-food restaurant came to town. I had ble. We never had friends or even family never eaten anything like the food they over because of my father. When we did, were selling. I started to steal money from it would always end up in some kind of ar- a jar my father kept in his dresser drawer. gument between my parents. I was The restaurant opened down the street 18

January/February 2022

from my school, and on Fridays my favorite fried food was on sale. I always made sure I had money in my pocket every Friday. Food was becoming a huge part of my life. When I was 19, I got married and moved into an apartment with my husband. I was so happy because I could cook and eat whatever I wanted. I weighed 110 pounds (about 50 kilos). We had a lot of parties and holidays at our house, and I did all the cooking. When our four boys came along, I stayed home to take care of them and did more cooking and eating. I rarely put on weight, but if I did, I went on some crazy liquid diet and lost the extra pounds. Then my weight started to creep up. When I was in my forties, the weight started to become harder to lose, and when I reached age 50, I was 250 pounds (about 113 kilos). I thought I better get a handle on it, so I joined a gym, started going several times a week, and managed to lose 100 pounds (about 45 kilos) in about a year. I thought this was great and that I would never put that weight back on again. After all, I knew how to diet! But the weight was piling on and so were my medical problems. I had high blood pressure, high cholesterol, acid reflux, arthritis, diabetes, and had already had a slight heart attack. My doctor was ready to put me on insulin for my diaconnection

betes. By this time I was retired, with two knee replacements and facing major back surgery. I was confined to a motorized cart and couldn’t go anywhere by myself because I was unable to manage getting the cart out of the car. I was into gourmet cooking and didn’t care how big I got. I did think that I would not give myself needles for insulin, and that I had to do something about my weight. I met a friend on Easter weekend who had lost weight and looked thin and happy. She told me about a program she was doing that met on Tuesday nights. She said she would pick me up and we could go together. I knew it wouldn’t be that week because I had a lot of food at home to binge on. I found her number in my purse the following week. I asked my husband to go with me for support, and I was introduced to Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA) that night. As I sat there listening to the leader of the meeting and others get up and share their stories, I thought, I am not an addict. Addicts were addicted to alcohol and drugs, which didn’t apply to me. How could I be addicted to food when I needed food to live? They talked about no flour and no sugar. What else did they eat? On the way home, my friend told me more about how she worked the program, and I agreed to go to the next 19

meeting. By the third meeting, I knew I wonderful people I have met. I have a was definitely a food addict, and I got a deeper connection with my Higher sponsor that night. My husband also de- Power, a more loving relationship with cided that he was a food addict, and he my husband and family, and my life has got a sponsor. We went home and imme- become more manageable. I proudly diately started to clean our house of all stand up at meetings and declare that I flour and sugar products. We realized am a food addict. I tell others about the that we had three freezers and a large program and do service at meetings bepantry that would cause I want to give be almost empty I have a deeper connection back what I have because we could been given. no longer eat many I hope people with my Higher Power, of these items if we don’t let the word were going to cona more loving relationship “addict” slow them tinue on this prodown. I have found with my husband and family, that it is a simple gram. That was twoprogram, and the and my life has become and-a-half years ago Twelve Steps have and we are both still provided a guide for more manageable. in FA. I have lost my journey to a 129 pounds (about healthy life. I am no I proudly stand up at 58 kilos) and my longer on any medhusband has lost 50 ication. I just take vimeetings and declare that tamin pounds (about 23 supplements kilos). We are both and eat my three I am a food addict. at our goal weight. I weighed and meashad back surgery ured meals, with after losing all the weight. No more nothing in between. All the insanity I wheelchair, electric cart, walker, or cane used to put myself through over food is for me. The surgery was a complete suc- gone. I can get on with my life doing usecess, and I have my life back. I am 68 years ful things, and not worry about the food old, and I feel better now than I did when like I did before. Thanks to God and my I was younger. fellows in FA, my whole life has changed. I am so grateful for FA and for all the Joan M., Florida, US 20

January/February 2022

Chatty Cathy

hen I was in elementary school, our report cards had a small box that listed eight or so different behaviors to be rated on a scale from one to three. Some of those behaviors were “plays well with others,” “attentive during class time,” and so on. Decent child and student that I was, I achieved the highest score of three in every single box except for “refrains from excessive talking.” Boy, did I love to talk. In my adolescence, high school, college, and early adult years, I certainly was a talker. I did the morning announcements in high school, was president of my graduating class, and the list went on. I was a proud extrovert, had loads of friends, and all my friends’ parents loved me. In early adulthood, I had little trouble getting jobs after college. I interviewed well and could rub elbows with the best of them. The “gift of gab” has served me well in my 32 years on this planet. However, there are ways in which this asset did not serve me. Before Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA), I was in two other Twelve-Step programs and consistently struggled with the food. All I cared about was how good I sounded. With one week of abstinence, I would share from my spiritual high horse, or with no days of abstinence I connection

would cry about how I couldn’t stop eating. There’s the saying, “Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth,” which struck me hard when I got to FA and found out I couldn’t share until I had 90 days of abstinence. Of course, I didn’t get 90 days right away, and my first thought each time I broke my abstinence was unhappiness over having to start over and wait until I could share. Like most people, I desperately wanted to be heard and understood. I thought that if everyone understood my problems, then I’d be okay. I’ve overshared with my partner about my recovery life and the people in it. I’ve gone into the gory details of my active food addiction and thought how much more he would love me if he saw how far I’d come. In the past, I’ve insisted my mother come to Twelve-Step meetings with me so she could understand me better. Once she came with me and my sponsor to get a cup of coffee after a meeting. I also made her listen to podcasts, thinking that would help my cause. Today, I’m recognizing that it is a hard task to refrain from opening my mouth. In my work, I think that if I just shove my product down a prospect’s throat, they are sure to buy! Now I sit in people’s offices and say to myself, “Shannon, shut up! Don’t say the thing 21

you’re dying to say. Just sit here. Don’t talk. Listen. Shh. Not yet.” I pray that my inner voice can get a little gentler as time passes, but that’s where I’m at today. On FA phone calls, especially with newcomers, I have to struggle to hold back from inserting my experience, opinions, and advice. I struggle with aggressively thinking that they better listen up, that I’m the one who knows what she’s doing here. God help me! As a food addict in recovery, my being outgoing can also be an asset. Once I finally committed to this program, I made tons of calls, jumped into local service, and started

two FA meetings in my area. Putting myself out there certainly helped me get connected within the FA fellowship and helped me stay abstinent. My prayer today is to have more of that “pause” and to wait. I am learning to wait for the intuitive thought or action to remind myself that I’m no longer running the show. I do love that part of me, the chatty extrovert. But as I progress in my recovery, I can see how being quiet allows me to hear that still, small voice, the one that will never fail me if I’m willing to pay attention. Shannon S., New York, US

ANNA B., NM

January/February 2022

No Matter What

Emergency Protocol

am not a person you would normally uncertain, guilty that I wasn’t more compewant in a medical emergency. I faint at tent in medical emergencies. the sight of blood and vacillate between This time, I stayed calm. I talked to my husthe ostrich method (head in the sand, “This band. I was fully present, and I called the incan’t be that bad,”) and the Chicken Little ap- surance company’s advice nurse. Before proach (“Yikes! The sky is falling!”) So when Program, I would have silently (in my head) I woke up at 2:30 a.m. criticized the advice and saw my husband I could eat whatever I want. nurse, thinking, She shaking and incoherseems so slow. I would ent, I was surprised have criticized the I have the perfect excuse. that I stayed calm. medical delivery sysMy husband is in the ER. tem which suggests The shaking was really violent. His arms calling an advice nurse were moving back But it was a fleeting thought, in the middle of the and forth about six night. She doesn’t even only lasting a few seconds. have access to my husinches. It was not your normal shiverband’s medical records. I knew I was not going to eat; ing. It seems like she is typing My first thought into a 1950 teletype maI didn’t need to. was rational, Take his chine. Someone really temperature. Howneeds to update this. The ever, I couldn’t find one of our two ther- insurance company needs to reorganize their sysmometers. I looked in all the usual places. tems. And this would go on and on. This That’s when the promises of the program time, however, because I have the tools of the kicked in. Before Program, I would have program, I stayed calm internally and exterrailed in my head, cursing silently the idiot nally, and I was grateful for the help and adwho put the thermometer in its obviously in- vice. accessible place. I would have felt scared and Then I called 911, and the firefighters arconnection

Twelve Steps rived, all eight of them. After that, there was the trip to the emergency room. It was serious. “Yes, it’s a good thing you called 911,” the ER doctor said. By then it was 5:30 a.m. and I realized I needed to get my food organized for the day, so I went home. My husband was in good hands. He was being taken care of by the medical professionals. I went home, weighed and measured my food, and called my sponsor. Then I went back to the hospital, carrying my food in my little lunch box. Later that morning I was walking around the hospital, and I walked by the hospital cafeteria. Now you might not think that hospital food would ever “call” to anyone, but it did. I looked into that cafeteria and immediately thought, I could eat whatever I want. I have the perfect excuse. My husband is in the ER. But it was a fleeting thought, only lasting a few seconds. I knew I was not going to eat; I didn’t need to. I had my food planned. I had my fellows and I knew if I ate, I would only feel lousy and mad at myself. And I did not want that. I wanted to stay calm and present for my husband, to nurture myself so I could nurture him. And it worked. He was in the hospital for two days. I stayed with him most of the time, but not in a panicked way; just fully present, with serenity and peace. And love. That’s the promise of the program. Carolyn D., California, US 24

1. We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to food addicts and to practice these principles in all our affairs. January/February 2022 Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous

Lighten Up!

SUSAN F., NY

Redefining “Eating Buddy”

efore I came into Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA), I had quite a few eating buddies. We would meet in restaurants, in each other’s homes to share recipes, in grocery stores (buying the food for our “impromptu party”), or just to have an all-out binge. Early November last year, I had surgery which left me with a casted right hand. connection

An FA fellow was staying overnight. As we were eating dinner, she patiently watched her right-handed fellow clumsily use her fork with her left hand. I was getting one, maybe two little pieces at a time. She quietly picked up her knife and put it on the side of my plate so I could scoop up a forkful. Now that’s a true eating buddy! Norma Jean P., Ohio, US 25

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.