Darkness Lifted

I left home when I was 14 and moved to New York City to live with my sister. I instantly gravitated to the darker side of life. I couldn’t focus in school and I spent more time partying than studying. My food addiction led to daily bingeing and purging and I also turned to drugs. I increasingly became more rageful, angry, and negative. I was diagnosed with depression and started taking antidepressants at age 16.

After graduating from college and moving to Boston, the party was finally over. I officially felt fat when I split my pants while bowling. The bulimia stopped working and every weekend I looked forward to escaping by smoking pot and getting drunk. I was in financial debt and felt like my world was slowly caving in. I was negative, depressed, and purposeless. My dishonesty robbed me of my serenity and I desperately wanted to escape.

I continued to struggle with bulimia, drugs, and alcohol for 10 years. Then, in 2004 at age 24, I found FA somewhat unexpectedly while doing an internship at a film company. I met someone in FA and inquired about his weight loss. He asked me if I thought I might be a food addict and I instantly replied, “Yes!” I didn’t know it then, but I had the gift of desperation.

I am grateful that I had the willingness to attend my first meeting. I was the disgruntled newcomer who sat in the back, skeptical and somewhat cocky. Regardless of my initial feelings, I did notice beautiful, thin, and happy people who wanted to help me. I got hope. I knew that I needed a change. FA came at the perfect time.

I’m 33 now and grateful. These last nine years have been an incredible emotional, spiritual, and physical journey. I’ve been able to put down, one day at a time, not only flour and sugar but also smoking, drug use, alcohol, and obsessive relationships with men. It’s a miracle that I can walk through life without bingeing and purging. I have healthy relationships with friends and family.

I am happily married to a wonderful man who has only known me abstinent. I’m grateful that I’ve been working with the same sponsor since coming into FA. We have had our ups and downs, but I’ve learned that quality relationships take hard work and persistence through tough times.

The rewards of following the FA program are plentiful. I have cleared up my debt, pursued a master’s degree, bought a condo, traveled all over the world, and wear cute and fashionable clothing. Even more important than the material rewards are the spiritual gifts. Before Program, I had no connection with a power greater than myself. These days I rarely go through a day without calling on my higher power for help. In my quiet times, I continue to cultivate my relationship with the God of my understanding. Through working the Twelve Steps on a daily basis, my life is rich and I have a deep sense of peace that was unfathomable before.

FA has been the greatest gift in my life and I cherish my recovery. I’ve had my struggles but I’ve never left FA. I’ve strived to be honest with my sponsor.

I hope to be abstinent forever, but I’m always reminded to just focus on one day at a time. That philosophy helps me get through my darkest of days. I’ve learned that everything eventually passes, even the desire to eat.