Don’t Eat. Live!

When I came into FA, I was lonely, scared, and full of dreams for my life that I couldn’t see ever coming true because of my weight. I was 24 years old and around 350 pounds. As miserable as life was at that size, my mind and attitude made it worse.

Food has been my friend since childhood. I remember at a young age being home alone and bored because I couldn’t go outside, so I would eat. I went back and forth to the refrigerator to find entertainment. I was also very scared as a child. I was scared of the dark, new environments, and new people. You name it and it scared me. Food helped to calm my fears.

I don’t remember a time where I was a small size. I was always the biggest kid in class. I got teased sometimes due to my body size and weight, and because of that, I decided I wouldn’t give anyone the chance to be mean to me. I would be mean first. There was one year when I was a terror to my teachers and a few classmates. My behavior reflected how I felt about myself and how desperately I wanted attention.

When I was ten years old, I moved away from home to attend a boarding school. I lived in a house with a few other girls and this really rocked me to the core. I just wanted to be at home with my mom where I was comfortable. I couldn’t use food to help because one of the residential counselors was limiting what I ate to get me to a healthy weight. It worked. I lost 20 pounds that summer, but then she retired and that gave me free reign to eat whatever, whenever. Because my grades were good, no one ever bothered me about it.

I never went on diets except one time when I asked for help. I was sent to a weight-loss camp and lost some weight, but as soon as I got picked up, I ordered the biggest breakfast possible at the local diner. My eating continued through high school. I often lied about my weight because I was so embarrassed, and this led to me having to wear tight uniform pants because I held my stomach in when I was being measured. I was 330 pounds when I graduated from high school.

College was the absolute worst. I ate and “people-pleased” my way through. I went to the dining hall as soon as it opened and had a huge breakfast, and then continued eating throughout the day. I was always digging in my backpack for loose change to use at the vending machines between classes. I had the largest meal plan and the most flex dollars offered, and I used every meal and flex dollar every semester. I would also go out at night and order food when the night was over. That was my favorite part. I just couldn’t function without food.

After college, I moved to another city and that’s where I hit rock bottom. Meal delivery services were my best friends. I could order whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. My highest weight was 362 pounds.

One day, I found an old phone list from an FA meeting I had attended, and I called one of the women on the list. She gave me the number of another woman who invited me to an information session in the area. I remember at the end of the call I said, “I’ll try to get there.” She said, “Don’t try. You either do it or you don’t.” Although I was annoyed at the time because I didn’t have a car and the train didn’t go to that hospital, it was exactly what I needed to hear. I went to the information session and that woman became my sponsor.

I wish I could say I was thrilled to start FA and did everything my sponsor told me to, but that was not the case. I was so angry. I was losing my best friend, food. And my sponsor was telling me not to make any big decisions during my first year. I wanted to do a training program to become a certified financial planner. I wanted to move to a new city. I believed these things would make me happy. But it wasn’t anything on the outside that needed to be fixed; it was the inside that needed to change.

I took those suggestions and joined an AWOL, and slowly my life did start to change. The weight loss helped because I got more confidence, but my faith in God grew, which really made the difference.

Now I weigh about 155 pounds. I live in a city that I love. I completed an education “boot camp” in my field, and I’m looking for a higher-level position. I’m dating and hope to have a wife and children one day. I love being of service as a sponsor and doing service in many other ways. I trust God and am so happy today.

This is the life I imagined all those years ago, and it’s because of God’s help and the Twelve Steps that I get to live this life. There’s something in the FA book that has always stuck with me. It says, “Don’t eat. Live!” I was barely surviving before Program. Now I’m truly living.