Stressful Start

My top weight was 185 pounds and I stand 5 feet tall. I heard about the FA program from a nurse practitioner I was seeing for depression. I reached an all-time low when I started to practice being bulimic. I advised her of what I was doing and asked if it was normal. She stared at me in disbelief and suggested that I join an eating disorder support group.

I went to my first FA meeting the following week. I recall sitting in the parking lot thinking the meeting started at one time and it actually started 30 minutes earlier. I walked into the meeting feeling so uncomfortable, not knowing anyone there or what to expect. I heard the woman at the front of the room who was saying she had 17 years of abstinence. I had no idea what she was talking about until the break, when I learned more.

I heard about abstaining from flour and sugar and my first thought was, These people are off their rockers. The next thought was, That can’t be healthy.

At the end of the meeting, a woman came up to me and asked if I had a sponsor. I said I didn’t, but I honestly wasn’t sure what she was talking about. She handed me some literature and a meal plan and told me to call her at 6:30 the next morning. I thought that there was no way I was going to call someone at that hour.

I wish I could say I was abstinent from that day forward, but that is not my story. My second child was only five years old, and he had a milk intolerance, so I was making everything from scratch for him, spending a lot of time in the kitchen with food.

I struggled at first, not able to call my sponsor on time, and had trouble staying abstinent from flour and sugar. I attended meetings regularly, but I could never reach any significant amount of time for recovery. I sat in pain during those meetings, wondering what was wrong with me that I couldn’t get abstinent.

Sponsors would drop me due to my inability to get up on time and call, or calling to report that I broke my abstinence. The constant feeling of doom and gloom as it related to being abstinent plagued me. I wanted so badly to have what these people in my meetings had and couldn’t figure out how they got there.

Finally, on November 25, 2001, I became abstinent from that day forward. I have had many days where hard things in life happen, but I have been grateful for being able to lose over 80 pounds. I use the tools that have been provided to me over the years, and am grateful to not be eating and wondering what clothes are going to fit.

I never had a closet full of clothes, but today I do. I struggled with finances, but today things are not so bad.

I feel blessed to remain abstinent in a non-abstinent household. My family didn’t want to eat the way I do and I struggled with that as well. However, I was able to stack my days together and I am grateful that I can now keep the focus on things other than food. I have a clear mind today, and for that I am and will always be grateful.