Finding Hope

When I first came to FA almost three years ago, I was utterly defeated by my obsession with food and my body. Everything I did was to relieve the pain of insecurity and to try to control my weight and eating habits. The daily cycle of try and fail, try and fail, try and fail made me believe I was a failure. I hated myself. I saw people living seemingly happy lives, yet I could barely get out of bed. Most mornings I was only motivated to get up and moving so I could eat, which was insane thinking because my eating had hurt me so much the day before! It was exactly like an alcoholic who takes that morning drink. I never saw it that way until FA. I’d try to give myself some leeway and eat a “normal” meal with flour and sugar items, or things that were salty and greasy that my friends and family could have in normal portions and be fine. But I could not. The obsession was triggered. Now, I felt I was bad. I had eaten “bad food” and what would I do about it? Eat more and start again tomorrow? Restrict the rest of the day? Throw it up? Exercise? I never knew the right solution that would give me peace after eating, and I couldn’t stop myself from eating it in the first place.

Other days, I would have more control. I’d have a piece of fruit and a diet bar, tell myself how good I was doing, and get a high from feeling in control and slim. I’d go for a few weeks on my diet and absolutely loved it when I would wake up in the morning feeling thinner than I did the day before. I could tell when I lost weight immediately upon awakening. It was a “hit” and a high, and then instead of my first thought being food it would be, “I wonder how much weight I lost!” The scale would reinforce my diet mentality and I’d be able to continue on this high throughout the day. But that would only last so long. I loved sugar so much, and I would tell myself I deserved some reward for my efforts. I’d tell myself I’d still be thin enough tomorrow, what’s the harm in having one piece? I could do this for a time, have just a little of something, but if I began to let myself have just one little bit of “bad” food, eventually I’d be off to the races again.

I gained and lost between 30 and 60 pounds so many times since I was a teen I can’t even remember how many times I’ve been a size 0 or a size 12. I am now 34 years old, just under 5-feet, 4-inches, and weigh about 111 pounds. Prior to FA, I had never been in a right-sized body for longer than a few months. If I did manage to get thin, I never considered myself to be thin enough and my personality was totally crazy. If I was in a thin body I was partying, meeting men, spending obsessively, and in general just making poor, impulsive decisions in an effort to make life a continual high. When I was heavier I was depressed, slow, feeling sorry for myself, hating anyone who was thin or happy, watching food shows, smoking a lot of marijuana, and lying to myself that it was okay to be “fat and happy.” Regardless of my weight, my life was totally unmanageable, yet I still thought that if I got thinner everything would fall into place.

Today, I don’t live or think like that anymore. By my HP’s grace, I was able to admit defeat and find freedom and hope in recognizing my powerlessness over food. I finally realized I needed someone to tell me what to eat, that I can’t control this “food thing,” which I’ve learned is a disease called food addiction. It is far beyond my human capacity to manage on my own. It is a spiritual, mental, and physical sickness, which means I need spiritual intervention from a Higher Power, psychological and emotional support from fellows and a sponsor, and a meal plan that physically supports my body through the absence of flour and sugar (which I learned I am allergic to).

It has taken some time in Program, but just by working every tool every day, trusting my sponsor and taking her suggestions, and always (to the best of my ability) putting my program and recovery first, I am able to say that food and my weight are no longer my first thoughts when I wake up in the morning! I think about the blessings ahead. I think about my Higher Power and the great love I receive. I thank God and pray for an abstinent day and for the people in my life. That is a miracle I never expected or thought I’d even want. I love that if I want to feel good about myself today, I don’t look to my meals or my weight, I look to my program that teaches me how to live. My life is manageable today. I am out of credit card debt and own my car. I am starting a healthy, abstinent relationship with a nice man who is also in Twelve-Step recovery. I have a job that I love and a home I maintain. My family relationships have all improved and I’m not afraid of people like I used to be. The simple tools and disciplines of my program have changed my life for the better on every level. Who knew admitting powerlessness could invite such blessings into one’s life? I can’t wait to see what other blessings of recovery God has for me.