Facing Reality

Thinking about the recovery I found in FA reminds me of a quote from Charles Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities. “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of enlightenment, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.” The best of times was what I thought was going on with me. The worst of times was the reality of my situation. I thought that if I could get my weight down, everything would be fine. I just wanted to be thin.

But realistically, I had no accountability around food. I ate whenever the thought struck me, or more accurately, without thinking at all. I’d skip eating for days at a time because I was in love or just absent-minded. I would faint at work. I stashed food in my glove compartment, desk drawer at work, pockets, the garage, the linen closet folded in the sheets, kitchen cupboards, and the freezer. I had a designated drawer in the kitchen just for a certain sugar item. My internist told me, “There are no bad foods. Just eat in moderation,” so I thought that grazing would help me. Unfortunately, if there is a moderation button, mine is broken.

Unbeknownst to me, I made a “gimme, gimme” gesture with my hands whenever I wanted a food item or a cigarette someone else had. My sister brought this motion to my awareness during an outing in the park with her two little girls. What a shock that was. She said, “You want those box juices my girls are drinking.” I agreed. She said, “Look at your right hand.” I was caught red-handed. It was bizarre, but I was in a lot of denial.

When I first heard about FA, I thought, I’m busy and besides, I’m smart, educated, been around the block more than a few times, am a quick study, a self-starter. I’ve been successful in many areas of my life. The reality was I was not only 165 pounds and going up again, but I spent 11 years of my life hovering between 191 and 201 pounds. I was up one month, down the next, with wide swings of 25 to 75 pounds per year. I was unemployed, had no children at home, and no pets. What in the world was I so busy doing? Nothing, except locating, procuring, and consuming the next flour, sugar product.

I thought that if I could just get the FA food plan, I could do it myself. I didn’t need any more friends. And who needs to do service, for goodness sake? Sadly, I had few real friends. I had a former work friend, dance friends, church friends, sewing friends, and quilting friends. Rarely did I socialize with any of them outside the class, group, church service, or activity. I loved groups where I could just show up if I felt like it.

I believed I was doing okay financially. Comparing myself to other single mothers my age, I assumed they were all about the same as me. They have credit card debt, mortgages, and spend beyond their means. I believed that I had adequate money in the bank. Again, reality told a different story. If I had a $42,000 mortgage and $42,000 in the bank, I was basically broke. Who knew? I was using credit cards to buy groceries, clothes, everything. If I wanted it, I bought it and worried about doing a balance transfer to a lower interest credit card later. Doing this made me feel like I was in control of my finances, a high roller. I got a thrill from it. I had promised to help my son pay off his college debt by contributing $2000 a year, but I was unable to make good on my promise. In recovery, I learned I could start to build a better financial future. Thanks to my higher power, I paid my son five years of back payments. He told me he had no words to tell me how it felt to be debt-free. I paid off my mortgage. I began to save and invest. Today I am financially sound.

Then there are relationships! I thought that a man would come to save me and take care of everything if I could just lose weight and get one to commit. The reality was that I was overweight and had acne all over my body from eating all the junk food, flour, sugar, and fat. I felt like men looked through me rather than at me. The first time this happened I was shocked, but after a while it made me feel safe. I could hide in plain sight. I hid a lot before FA. In FA, my sponsor helped me become more discerning about men and stop making them into gods. She told me I was looking for a fixer-upper. Now, I am open to a man who has integrity, authenticity, good personal care, strength of character, sound finances, and compassion. I now have a choice. I don’t have to go out with someone who makes me feel uneasy just because he asks. Another sponsor taught me, “It takes a mighty good man to beat no man at all.”

Although the physical recovery has been just amazing, a miracle really, I am more impressed these days with the mental, spiritual, and emotional recovery I have found. Thank you, FA.