Not Alone

On March 15, 2020 at 6:30 a.m. my phone rang. Any call that early didn’t bode well, but it was especially bad because I recognized the number. It was the nursing home where my husband of 48 years was a resident. I was right. The call was from hospice, and he informed me that my husband had passed away. I can’t say the news was unexpected. My husband had been sick with Alzheimer’s for a couple of years, but hearing that he also had been suffering from a deadly version of pneumonia was a surprise.

Our children arrived the next day, followed by the funeral the day after. When the family left that evening, I was alone for the first time in 48 years. I had no one to care for, and, after 44 years of teaching, no children to teach, thanks to the newly established Covid-19 lockdown. I had been in FA for about two years, but it wasn’t until that moment that I realized FA was the only thing in my life I had to hold on to.

I made phone calls and my FA fellows called me back. One told me about Instacart to get groceries delivered. Another introduced me to Amazon. Prayer became increasingly important in my day-to-day living as my Higher Power guided me through one of the most harrowing periods of my life. I got up each morning to read my Twenty-Four Hours a Day book and do my meditation. I’d have my abstinent breakfast, then call a few fellows in FA. I’d find a morning meeting, and then it would be lunch time. Then I’d make a few more calls and, before I knew it, it would be time for supper.

Using the tool of the telephone, I connected with other fellows who had lost spouses or partners. They recommended books to read or podcasts to listen to. I didn’t feel alone and I didn’t eat flour or sugar. Almost two years have gone by since my husband died and I still haven’t eaten addictively. “No matter what,” I kept hearing, “don’t take that first bite.” I didn’t.

I never could have done it alone. It was my Higher Power and my FA fellows, meetings, and literature that kept me abstinent. Staying abstinent and choosing to stay in FA has been so important to me. When things seem overwhelming, I lean on my Higher Power.