July/August: Serenity. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA)

e Si g n that Saved My Li fe

Ihad been sober in Alcohol ics Anonymous for 15 ye a rs, sp onsored ma ny AA fel lows, done ser v ice at the meeting a nd interg roup le vel , a nd stud i ed the steps, t rad iti ons, a nd concept s of wor ld ser v ice. I had donated and put together a website for the lo c a l cent ra l o ce. I w a s “Mister Recover y, ” don’t you know.

So w hen I saw a hand-w ritten sign on the hospital information desk about a meeting for Fo o d Add i ct s in R ecover y Anonymous, w ith a ro om numb er a nd a time, I was skeptical, to say the least. But the meeting star ted in ten minutes, and I could nd the room. I decided to attend to see how bad l y they were messing up the trad itions I was 70 pounds over weight, but I was sure there wa s no such thing a s food add iction.

I thought I wa s just a weak-w i l led glutton

I w a s unimpressed by the sp e a ker, but there was a fel low who had lost 70 pounds. If I lost 70 p ound s I would wei g h 160, w hich is a healthy weight for me. I wa s interested.

So I found a sponsor and decided I would fol low instr uctions. He said, “Buy a d igital sc a le.” As a photo g rapher w ith a t r i ple beam balance, I d idn’t need to buy another

sc a le. R ega rd less, I found one at a lo c a l store. I d iscovered that I could put a bow l on it, press a button, a nd it went to zero. O k ay, I thought, maybe thi s guy knows what he i s t al ki ng ab out. He w a nted me to c a l l him in the morning a nd rep or t my fo o d plan for the day. It felt kind of humi l iating , but I could do that. And he wanted me to c a l l on time, a sking that I c a l ibrate my watch with his. I thought he was some kind of nit pi cker, but I could do that, i f it w a s impor tant to him.

He told me my FA d ay b eg ins a er the e vening me a l , w hen I would w r ite dow n my food plan for the next day, making sure I had the food on hand so I wouldn’t need to go out and shop for it, or have any other excuse to not eat my committed food. is guy i s a micromanager, I thought. But I had said I wa s w i l l ing to go to any leng ths, so I fol lowed instr uctions. He a l so instr ucted me to put al l my food on the table before star ting the meal. Wa s he going to tel l me how to che w, to o? But I s a i d , “I c a n do that.” In ve months, I lost 70 p ound s. It worked. I had been str ug gl ing for years to lose that weight.

A fe w years l ater, my w ife found a lump

in my abdomen, which turned out to be an ab domina l aor ti c a neur ysm, or t r i ple A .

Le unt re ated , these would burst, a nd a p erson would bleed interna l l y a nd d i e. I had surger y and had a stent put in my aorta.

e aneur ysm shrank around it, sav ing my l i fe. a nk you, w i fe. a nk you, FA . I love b eing here ab ove ground.

A fe w years a er that, I noticed that I would get chest pain on exertion. I wound up in a room with a cardiolo g ist, a t re admi l l , a nd a n

e c h o c a r d i o g r a m techni ci a n. I w a s d i a g nosed w ith clog ged coronar y a r ter i es. My d ad had that, a nd

w hen he had t r i ple corona r y by p a ss surger y, he sa id he felt l i ke he’d been hit by a t r uck. But this c a rd i olo g ist w a s a ma zing . He told me I had a foodborne cond iti on and should not eat any meat, sh, chicken, eggs, dair y products, or any added oil or fat. It sounded kind of ext reme, but I w a s weighing and mea suring my food any way

and could change my menu sl ightl y. A er doing that for a fe w months, the chest pain went away. Again, lucky me.

I get to wor k w ith others a nd there is nothing more gratif ying than w itnessing a su ering food add ict achieve goal weight, get into ser v i ce, a nd b ecome joyf ul. But this got kind of boring for me a er a w hi le. I’m a rea l istic g uy, and a er being in Pro g ra m for ab out 15 ye a rs, the rati ona l voi ce in my he ad to ok stock of the situati on a nd c a me to the concl usi on that this isn’t ro cket sci ence. I know how to wei g h a nd me a sure my food, and I don’t need to do all this ser vice. I’m 79 years old, have done lots of ser vice in FA, and deser ve a brea k. I w a s working w ith over 10 other members at the time, but I decided to let them a l l go a nd le ave. I thoug ht I could do this by myself, that it wouldn’t be that hard. Wrong! I d iscovered that w ithout the supp or t of my H P a nd fel lows, I

LISA N , CAN

w a s defenseless a ga inst the rst bite. When I returned to the pro g ra m, I w a s welcomed a s just a nother ne wcomer, thank God.

Now the FA pro g ra m is cent ra l to my l ife. I'm retired and have lots of time to devote to my hobbies. But FA is not a hobby.

is is a serious business that I must attend to i f I w a nt to stay al ive.

R ememb er that rst FA meeting I attended? I l ater learned that the regul a r si g n p erson for the meeting had n ’ t show n up. e fol ks setting up the meeting deci ded that it would be okay without the signs for this one meeting . Except for the fel low

w ho had lost 70 p ound s. He deci ded to hand w rite a sign and put it on the information desk. at simple act saved my life.

I have a new appreciation for doing ser vice in the fel lowship. Had he not w ritten that simple l ittle si g n, I would n ’ t b e w r iting to d ay. My s weet w i fe would have had to bur y me a long time ago. Setting up chairs, op ening up the ro om, a nd putting out

signs may seem inconsequential, but they are essential.

When I rst came into the program my sponsor d irected me to sit in the front of the ro om a nd not d get or lo ok at my phone. I followed instructions. Nowadays, I use a d i erent strateg y. I get to meetings e a r l y to hel p set up a nd sit in the b ack, b ec ause that is w here ne wcomers l i ke to sit. ey tend to a rr i ve l ate, sne a k in qui etl y, and sit in the back. My happy hunting g round. I o er a f r i end l y g reeting a nd g i ve them my phone number. ey rarel y c a l l , so I get their numb er a nd ma ke the rst c a l l. I w a l k them to the l iterature table at the break and make sure they get an introductor y brochure. If I’m feeling nancial l y ush, I buy them a copy of the FA book.

I c a n ’ t do this by myself, but to gether, with a Higher Power’s help, we can accompl ish miracles and have a wonderf ul time doing it.

Art H., California, US

Now the FA program is central to my life.

I’m retired and have lots of time to devote to my hobbies. But FA is not a hobby.

is is a serious business that I must attend to if I want to stay alive.

L a st Day One

Ispent over 30 years w anting to eat my bra ins out yet sti l l have a thin bod y. I co u l d n ’ t o r wo u l d n ’ t s to p e at i n g . S o many d i et s fa i led bec ause I w a s ne ver w i l ling to stop. It took me t wo years and eig ht months to f ina l l y get 90 d ays of continuous abstinence in FA .

I g av e my f i r s t sp o n s o r a r u n f o r h er mone y, cha l leng ing her at ever y step. I wa s a to u g h c u s to m er. No w a y wo u l d I h av e w a n te d to sp o n s o r m e i n t h e b e g i n n i n g . Ev er y d a y i t w a s , “ W hy d o I h av e to d o that? That ma kes no sense. Whose r ule is t h at ? W hy, w hy, w hy ? ” S o m a ny q u e stions! So much defiance. I was a brat. How she put up w ith me for a s long a s she d i d w a s pu zzl ing. She w a s so pati ent. She had m a ny s u g g e s t i o n s , s u c h a s p r a y a b o u t i t , ta ke it to qui et time, w rite about it, ma ke phone c a l l s, etc. O f course, I d i d none of those things.

As time went on and e ver yone el se w a s losing wei g ht a nd cha ng ing a nd g row ing in recover y, I w a s stuck in the qui cks a nd of my own making. I was getting more and more angr y, sometimes at FA, at God , or at my sponsor, but ne ver myself. I bl amed e ver yone el se.

One d ay, I woke up and f ina l l y w a s si ck a n d t i re d o f my s e l f, o f n o t s t ay i n g a b s t inent, and of eating. Ever yone around me, a l l my p ro g r a m f r i en d s , were a b s t i n en t . The y had w hat I w a nted. Why could n ’ t I h av e t h at , to o ? I sp en t to o l o n g i n “ p o o r me. ”

That w a s the d ay I f ina l l y got abstinent. It w a s my l a st d ay one. It w a s the d ay I f inal l y started working the program the way i t ’ s s u p p o s e d to b e wo r k e d . I s to p p e d doing my version and final l y accepted that I d i d n ’ t k n o w b e s t . A n d g u e s s w h at i t worked!

I got abstinent and stayed abstinent. I got my 90 d ays for the l a st time. I star ted ta king sug gestions even w hen I d idn’t want to or w hen the y made no sense to me. This is w hat w a s wor king for e ver yone el se w ho fol lowed the FA pl an. I d i d w hat the y d i d and I got what they had: abstinence, recover y, peace of mind , contentment, serenit y.

It w a sn ’ t a l w a y s e a s y. Th ere were s o m e h a rd d a y s i n t h e b e g i n n i n g . Bu t a s I p u t d ays together, it got ea si er and ea si er. The result s have been so wor th it. I love my abstinent l i fe tod ay.

Nanc y O., F lorid a, US

Cans, Ba gs, B oxes

Iused to buy deadly foods at least for a food add ict that were packa ged in shiny bags, colorful cans, and tantalizing boxes. e food that would inev itabl y kil l me threatened to lure me to a slow but eventual death. Yet all the while, I yearned for those cleverl y-designed cans, bags, and boxes that fed my addiction but never my soul.

Since FA, shopping the perimeter of the grocer y store has become a ne w way of life. I begin in the produce section, then stop at the meats, and close out in the dair y aisle. Earl y on, w hi le sti l l losing weig ht, I never ventured down the center a isles for abstinent sustenance. It w a s not unti l venturing into ma intenance that I needed or e ven d ared pick up a ba g or box of gra in. A er months of eating primari l y fresh produce, it w a s strange and e ven pecul iar to browse and

purchase a bagged or boxed item.

Today, my life is lled with food from the outskirts of the market God-made foods, not factor y foods. I shudder to think of the years I “lived” on canned, bagged, and boxed items, produced not in a garden or on a farm, but processed in an industria l pl ant for mass production, l aden w ith multis y ll abic, unpronounceable chemicals.

My l i fe to d ay is healthy body, mind, a nd spir it. I don’t much miss those c a ns, ba gs, and boxes. When I see coworkers or friends microwav ing b oxed fo o d s or sto ckpi l ing their pantries and freezers w ith f actor y-made items, I thank God I a m in a he a l thi er place. I do not judge; I a m simpl y g ratef ul that I am eating rea l, w hole, l i fe-g i v ing fo o d. And that is ne with me.

US

Since FA, shopping the perimeter of the grocer y store has become a new way of life.

Today, my life is lled with food om the outskirts of the market God-made foods, not factor y foods.

Op ening the Do or

When I c ame into FA, I heard p e o p l e s ay t h at t h e y “ c a m e for the vanit y, but stayed for the sanit y. ” I d id not relate to that initia l l y. I was so completely obsessed with thinness t h at v a n i t y d i d n ’ t a d eq u ate l y e x p re s s my letha l determ i n at i o n to h av e a s k e l et a l frame. I wa s perf e c t l y o k ay a b o u t s h o o t i n g speed, bec ause I t h o u g h t t h at i t wo u l d h e l p m e stay thin. Ev er y m oment, ever y day, ever y year that I s t ay a b s t i n en t , my Hi g h er Po wer c h i p s away at that insane self-obsession. Hav ing a stable weig ht ha s ta ken the power aw ay f ro m my d i s e a s e. Wo r k i n g t h e Twe l v e Ste p s h e l p s m e l i v e w i t h i n te g r i t y, a n d d o i n g FA s er v i ce g i v e s m e a s ens e o f authentic self-esteem that being grossl y un-

der weig ht never d id.

An added bonus of the FA lifest yle is that d is g uring acne, w hich I have battled and despa ired over for most of my l ife, ha s become far less acute. Prior to FA, I remember tel l ing myself

t h at i t w a s o k ay to have a red and pa inf ul l y s wol len f a ce , b e c aus e g uy s m o s t l y l o o k e d at my b o d y. I t h o u g h t t h at b e i n g re a l l y s k i n ny co m p ensated for my woef ul l y unattractive f a ce. To d ay, I d o n ’ t h av e to think l i ke that. In fact, it ha s been a b i g s u r p r i s e to m e t h at p e o p l e o c c a s i o n a l l y compl iment me on my skin. I have learned to ta ke c are of it, and now I enjoy putting on mud ma sks.

e o t h er d ay I h a d a n e x p er i en ce t h at showed me that my Hig her Power is ma king pro g ress on mel ting my burdensome

SUSAN D , CA

m o u n t a i n o f v a n i t y. I w a s s i t t i n g i n my a p a r t m en t h a p p i l y wo r k i n g o n a ter m paper w hi le my mud ma sk fa ithf ul l y dried my skin and pul led out tox ins. I heard an insistent knock at my door. From pa st exp er i en ce , I g u e s s e d t h at i t w a s e i t h er my m a i l m a n o r n e i g h b o r. Ne i t h er o f t h em l iked waiting for me to get “ g ussied” up before opening the door, so I just got up from my desk and walked to the door, green face and a l l.

My neighbor asked if I had something on my face. I sa id, “Yep, it’s a mud ma sk.” He w a s d i s i n tere s te d a n d wen t o n to te l l me a stor y that simp l y co u l d n ’ t w a i t . I l i s ten e d a n d m a d e appropriate noises. I even went over to his a p a r t m en t to h e l p him w ith some stu . He w a s mov ing and n e e d e d m o r a l s u pp o r t a n d a r a g to clean his kitchen. Bec ause I w a sn ’ t overl y co n cer n e d w i t h my a p p e a r a n ce o r a nything else, I wa s able to be present for him and reap the subtle, spiritua l re w ard s that come from giving people a little bit of time a n d at ten t i o n w h en t h e y n e e d i t . I n e v er could have done this w ithout FA .

Back in my active add ict days, I d idn’t ans wer the door for anyone unless I looked

good and ever y thing wa s in place. In fact, I rem em b er n u m ero us t i m e s w h en t h e co p s were k n o c k i n g o n t h e d o o r. ere w a s n o w ay I wo u l d o p en u p. My a p a r tm en t w a s s t re w n w i t h f o o d , b o oze , a n d dr ug parapherna l ia.

Other memories are of fami l y members, b o y f r i en d s , o r f r i en d s w h o s o u g h t ent ra nce. But I could n ’ t op en up i f I w a s in t h e m i d d l e o f a b i n g e , w i t h my s to m a c h g ro s s l y d i s ten d e d , f a ce b l e e d i n g f ro m scratching , pla stic ba gs spread a l l over the o or w ith huge chunks of p a r ti a l l y e aten mea ls, and ga l lons of sugar y liquid to wash it a l l dow n.

I a m s o g l a d t h at ever y day I am in this angel i c FA prog ram I g et to b e co m e m o re a n d m o re a ccustomed to l iv ing a t r a nsp a ren t l i f e w here I get to be the s a m e p er s o n w h et h er t h e d o o r i s o p en o r c l o s e d . Pretend ing to be okay took up 99% of my energ y. FA a nd my Hi g her Power have put my food add iction in remission and g iven me that lost energ y to devote to things that real l y matter, such a s being able to prov ide s u p p o r t a n d l o v e to my f a m i l y, f e l l o w s , friends, and communit y.

Susan D., California, US

I am so glad that ever y day I am in this angelic FA program I get to become more and more accustomed to living a transparent life.

Grow ing To gether

Sp o n s o r i n g a n d b e i n g s p o n s o r e d h a s t a u g h t m e m a n y l i f e l e s s o n s .

My c o n t r o l l i n g , o v e r - p o w e r i n g , tem p er- d r i v en b e h av i o r a s a m o t h er m ay h a v e b e e n a c c e p t a b l e i n m y s o n ’ s e a r l y y e a r s , b u t wo u l d n ’ t h av e g o t ten e i t h er o f us t h ro u g h h i s te en y e a r s L e s s o n s f r o m s p o n s o r i n g h e l p e d m e h a v e a b e t te r r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h m y teena ge son than many of his fri end s have w i t h t h e i r p a r e n t s . Hi s f r i e n d s d u b b e d m e t h e “ co o l m o m. ” I d i d n ’ t b uy t h em a lco h o l o r l et t h em h av e p a r t i e s , b u t I h a d r u l e s a n d k e p t to t h o s e r u l e s , w h i c h were actua l l y deemed more st r ingent a nd mi lita nt tha n those at his f r i end s ’ houses Yet h i s f r i en d s were o f ten env i o us a n d i n awe t h at h e f e l t s a f e to te l l m e jus t a b o u t a nyt h i n g , a n d t h at I co u l d h e a r w h at h e h a d to s ay w ith the w isdom to just l isten w itho u t b e i n g ju d g m en t a l .

To d ay, my s o n c a l l s m e f re q u en t l y w i t h b us i n e s s a n d l i f e q u e s t i o ns. He v a l u e s my o p i n i o n o f h i s re l a t i o n s h i p s , h a rd s h i p s , a n d s u cce s s e s. He d o e sn ’ t a l w ay s t a k e my a d v i ce , b u t I re a l i ze h e h a s h i s o w n j o u rn e y a n d s o m e t i m e s t h e b e s t l e s s o n s a r e ones le a rned throug h t r i a l a nd error And sometimes the lesson is that I don’t know best, and his decisi on w a s the best one for

h i m at t h at m o m en t

It i s t h ro u g h sp o ns o r i n g t h at I l e a r n e d I c an share my experi ence and thoug ht s on a m a t te r, b u t I c a n n o t c o n t r o l t h e o u tcome. I d iscovered I c a n ’ t w a nt p eople to d o s o m et h i n g i f t h e y d o n ’ t w a n t to d o i t t h ems e l v e s I s e em to b e m o re e f f e c t i v e i f I g i v e p e o p l e sp a ce to a s k f o r h e l p r at h er t h a n jus t ju m p i n a n d “ s av e t h e d ay. ”

Sp onsor ing hel p ed me b ecome a b etter m a n a g e r a t w o r k , to o. I h a d b e e n p r omoted to an a ssistant mana ger a fe w years

b efore I found FA, but I w a s f lounder ing .

I c o n s t a n t l y f o u n d m y s e l f c o v e r i n g f o r m y e m p l o y e e s ’ s h o r tc o m i n g s b e c a u s e I d i d n ’ t k n o w h o w to t r a i n t h em, a n d I w a s d r i v e n n o t to f a i l o r m i s s a d e a d l i n e . Ma ny were l et g o o r q u i t u n d er t h e s t r a i n o f n o t b e i n g a b l e to m e et t h e h i g h s t a nd a rd s o f t h e o t h er m a n a g er s , w h en re a l l y i t w a s m e s et t i n g s t a n d a rd s t h at were to o l o w a n d t h en r us h i n g to m a k e u p t h e d i ff eren ce.

I w a s a l s o p ro n e to w a n t to b e a f r i en d to the p eople I ma na ged , more tha n their m e n to r. I w a n te d e v e r y o n e to g e t a l o n g and l i ke each other, but ma inl y to l i ke me.

T h i s m a d e g i v i n g f e e d b a c k m o r e c h a lleng ing bec ause these were my eating and d r i n k i n g b u d d i e s a f ter h o u r s , w h i c h w a s

m o r e p r e c i o u s to m e t h a n b u i l d i n g a s o l i d , s t ro n g p ro f e s s i o n a l s t a f f.

To d a y I a m a m a n a g e r o f a g r o w i n g te a m . Fr o m s p o n s o r i n g a n d h a v i n g m y ow n sponsor, I have become more honest

a n d a b l e to p r ov i d e p o s i t i v e a n d

c o n s t r u c t i v e f e e db a c k . W h ere o n ce

I used to hi de from d i f f i c u l t c o n v e r s at i o n s , I n o w t a l k t h ro u g h t h em.

To d a y I h a d to te l l a n e m p l o y e e

t h a t I p r o m o te d

s o m e o n e e l s e o v er her. B oth a re excell en t wo r k er s , b u t I

k n e w my re l a t i o nshi p w ith the other

p e r s o n w a s m o r e

c o h e s i v e a n d t h a t t h e y h a d m o re e xp er i en ce.

B e f o re t h e m e eti n g , I h i g h l i g h te d a l l t h e g o o d q u a l i -

ti es that made her a strong c and i d ate. I inv e s t i g a te d t r a i n i n g a n d p r o j e c t s t h a t w o u l d e n h a n c e h e r s k i l l s to m a k e h e r m o re q u a l i f i e d i f f u t u re m a n a g er i a l p o s iti ons opened. Ta king qui et time and prayi n g b e f o r e o u r m e e t i n g h e l p e d

t rem en d o us l y.

Bu t I a m s t i l l a f o o d a d d i c t . In t h e a f term a t h o f g i v i n g h e r t h e d i s a p p o i n t i n g ne ws, my f irst thoug ht w a s to estimate the time unti l my lunch hour, but it w a sn ’ t the f o o d I w a s a f ter. It w a s a “ b r e a k ” to dea l w ith the emot i o n s o f h a v i n g to b e t h e b e a r e r o f b a d n e w s , a n d t h e u n d er l y i n g f e a r o f

“ w h a t i f I p i c k e d t h e w ro n g p e r s o n f o r t h e j ob ? ”

Af ter m o re t h a n te n y e a r s o f a b s t i -

nence, d iscomfor t a n d f o o d s t i l l g o h a n d - i n - h a n d i n m y b r a i n . T h a t ’s h o w I k n o w t h a t FA is r i g ht w here I n e e d to b e. S o m et i m e s t h at h a s a l s o h a p p e n e d w i t h s p o n s e e s . I h a d to d e l i v e r h a r d o b -

s er v at i o ns a b o u t t h e i r FA re co v er y a n d I

t h en w a n te d to r u n a n d h i d e . Bu t r at h er

t h a n r u n n i n g , I k n e w to p i c k u p t h e

p h o n e t h e n e x t d a y a n d h e l p u s b o t h

g ro w , t h ro u g h t h e to o l o f sp o ns o r i n g .

Ka re n W. , Wa sh i ng t o n , U S

GALEN F , FL

Ne ver Just One

Wh e n I t h i n k a b o u t t h e p h r a s e “ sp e c i a l t re at , ” I p i ct u re a d e c a d e n t , o v e r - t h eto p b a k e d g o o d . A s a f o o d a d d i c t , h o w e v e r, I c o u l d n e v e r h a v e j u s t o n e o f those items. The re a l problem for me w a s the word “ t re at. ” For me, it w a s ne ver sing u l a r ; i t w a s a l w a y s p l u r a l . “ Tre a t s ” w a s more accurate for this fo o d add i ct. I had so many d ifferent treats that choosing just o n e w o u l d b e l i k e p i c k i n g w h i c h o f my c h i l d re n i s my f a v o r i te . It w a s e a s i e r f o r me to l ist e ver y item in the g ro cer y store a n d t h e n e l i m i n a te i te m s t h a t w e re n o t my t re at s. That l ist would b e a w hole lot shor ter.

The g ro cer y store w a s l i ke a vac ati on to my f av o r i te d e s t i n at i o n , e xce p t t h at I a lw ays got sunburned. Each time, I s wore it wo u l d b e d i f f eren t . I wo u l d g et o n l y t h e fo o d I needed to b e he a l thy, a nd I would s t i c k to my s h o p p i n g l i s t . Ho w e v e r, t h e moment those sof t l i g ht s hit my e yes, the e l e v ato r m u s i c s o o t h e d , a n d t h e a ro m a s o f f re e s a m p l e s w a f te d to my n o s e , I w a s m e s m e r i z e d a n d f o r g o t a b o u t my l i s t . I w o u l d s p e n d t i m e w a n d e r i n g u p a n d d o w n e a c h a i s l e l o o k i n g f o r t h a t sp e c i a l treat to hit the spot for w hate ver emoti on

I w a s a t te m p t i n g to n u m b o u t . Ha d i t

b een a b ad d ay? A isle 14, c a nd y. Per haps

I w a s c e l eb r a t i n g . A i s l e 7 , s a l t y c r i s p y snacks. A rea l l y bad day? Both those a isles a n d e a c h o n e i n b e t w e e n . I w o u l d l o s e t i m e i n t h e s to re j u s t l i k e I d i d w h e n I sur fed the internet or w atched a pro g ra m o n T V . I ’d s e e f a m i l i e s s h o p p i n g w i t h coup ons a nd he a r sound s of p eople ta l ki n g a n d v o i c e s m a k i n g a n n o u n c e m e n t s , but nothing f ul l y reg istered. Those voices co u l d ’ v e b e en w a r n i n g t h at t h e b u i l d i n g w a s o n f i re a n d to e x i t q u i c k l y, b u t I a m prett y sure I would n ’ t have he a rd them. I w a s i n t h e f o o d z o n e . My m i s s i o n w a s purp osef ul ; get my t re at s, p ay (for items I h a d n ’ t a l re a d y e a te n a s I s a m p l e d f ro m ba gs and boxes not yet purcha sed), organize and pack so a l l my treats were together i n o n e b a g , g e t to t h e c a r, p u t t h e n o nt re at s in the b ack, a nd put my binge fo o d b a g i n f ro n t w i t h m e . Th i s m i s s i o n w a s usua l l y completed w ith p er fect accurac y; I had it dow n to a sci ence.

Dr i v ing home, I would just e at, e at, a nd e at some more. S ometimes I’d end up in my d r i v e w a y a n d n o t re m e m b e r h o w I g o t t h ere. Th en I wo u l d p e er o v er at t h e e m p t y w r a p p e r s w o n d e r i n g h o w i t h a d h a p p e n e d a g a i n . S a d n e s s w o u l d s e t i n , a nd then sha me, g ui l t, a nd f ina l l y a nger. I

would promise myself I would n ’ t do that a ga in. I’d hi de the w rapp ers in the out si de g a r b a g e c a n . If I w a s to o l a z y, I w o u l d b r i n g t h e m i n a n d h i d e t h e m u n d e r ga rb a ge in our kitchen t ra sh bin. I would t h e n s p e n d t h e re s t o f t h e d a y t r y i n g to forget my sp eci a l t re at s, a nd I would pray that this w a s my l a st binge.

It w a s ab out se ven ye a rs a go w hen I ente re d t h e d o o r s to my f i r s t FA m e e t i n g a nd s aw recover y. I w a s not at my hi g hest w e i g h t w h e n I d r a g g e d my s e l f i n to t h a t bui ld ing , but my bra in weig hed a ton, and I w a nted to lose that wei g ht the most.

S i n c e t h a t d a y, I l o s t a b o u t 3 0 p o u n d s a nd kept it off, except for the t wo he a l thy preg na nci es a nd three b e auti f ul chi ld ren

I h a d d u r i n g t h at t i m e. Wi t h t h e h e l p o f my s p o n s o r s a n d f e l l o w s , I w a s a b l e to g a i n a n o r m a l a m o u n t o f w e i g h t d u r i n g my p re g n a n c i e s a n d t h e n l o s e i t i n a he a l thy a nd timel y w ay af ter g i v ing bir th.

To d a y, I a m t r u l y b l e s s e d . I n o w k n o w t h a t t h o s e “ s p e c i a l t re a t s ” w e re a c t u a l l y p o i s o n to m e . No w t h a t p h r a s e m e a n s s o m et h i n g en t i re l y d i f f eren t . My sp e c i a l t re at s a re ext ra sleep, more time w ith my f a m i l y, m o m e n t s w h e n my h u s b a n d cle a ns the b athro om w ithout my ( gentle)

reminders, sunshine, long r uns, and l aug hter. Th e o n l y w ay I c a n t r u l y en j o y t h e s e s p e c i a l t re a t s i s t h ro u g h a b s t i n e n c e a n d recover y, one d ay at a time.

Eli z ab et h G., Nor t h Caroli na, US

Hitting B ottom

Wh en I w a s a p re s c h o o l er my p a r e n t s b r o u g h t m e to a l o c a l co ns t r u c t i o n s i te w i t h a l a r g e h o l e. Fo r t h em, i t w a s t h e s t a r t o f a r e s i d e n t i a l b a s e m e n t . Fo r m e , i t w a s a w o n d e r m e n t . I m u s t h a v e g o t te n to o c l o s e to t h e e d g e b e c a u s e I v a g u e l y r em e m b e r m y m o t h e r s c o l d i n g m e . Fo r r e a s o n s u n k n o w n , t h a t h o l e w a s s u c h a m a g n et i c at t r a c t i o n to m e t h at I w a l k e d o u t o f m y y a r d a l l a l o n e , w e n t t h ro u g h a n a l l e y, c ro s s e d a s et o f a c t i v e t ra in t racks a nd at le a st one cit y st reet to return to that mysterious and fa scinating p i t .

Ma ny y e a r s l ater, t h at c h i l d h o o d m emo r y w a s re i g n i te d d u r i n g a n A A m e et i n g . T h i s w a s b e f o r e t h e p a n d e m i c w h e n a l l FA meetings were in p erson. When there were n o l o c a l FA m e et i n g s , we at ten d e d o t h er Twe l v e Ste p m e et i n g s. At t h at A A m e e t i n g , w e re a d f ro m t h e b o o k , Tw e l v e S t e p s a n d Tw el v e Tra d i t i o n s , i n w h i c h o n e of the founders ta l ks about “reaching bottom. ” I began to env ision my ow n bottom a s i t re l ate d to f o o d a d d i c t i o n. I a s k e d a n

A A w h a t a b o t to m i s , a n d t h e re s p o n s e w a s “ t h e d e c i s i o n to s to p d i g g i n g . ”

My f o o d h o l e b e g a n w h en I w a s a b o u t f i ve years old w hen I snuck sugar from the

c u pb o a rd . It b e c a m e a re g u l a r h a b i t u n t i l

I g o t c au g h t . A f e w y e a r s l ater, I n o t i ce d

a s t r a n g e p a t te r n b e g i n to d e v e l o p. B et w e e n Ha l l o w e e n a n d Va l e n t i n e ’ s Da y, I c o u l d n ’ t s to p e a t i n g s u g a r p r o d u c t s , w hi ch were plenti f ul d ur ing that time p er i o d . O n c e I s t a r te d e a t i n g , I c o u l d n ’ t s to p. W h e n m y t r e a t s w e r e g o n e , I b e g g e d f o r o t h e r s ’ t r e a t s . W h e n t h e r e were no go o d ones lef t, I happi l y f inished a l l t h e s w e e t s n o b o d y l i k e d . I o n l y s to p p e d l o o k i n g w h en t h ere w a s n o t h i n g to f i n d .

My f o o d ob s e s s i o n g re w e x p o n en t i a l l y w h en I w a s i n t ro d u ce d to b u l i m i a at t h e

a g e o f 1 4 . I e s t i m ate t h at I c ro s s e d t h e i nv i s i b l e l i n e i n to f u l l - b l o w n a d d i c t i o n a t

a g e 2 0 , w h en I d e l i b er ate l y t u r n e d to d es t r u c t i v e e a t i n g a s a c o p i n g m e c h an i s m . Wi t h e a c h b i te , s w a l l o w , a n d e a t i n g - d i s o r d e r m i s b e h a v i o r, m y h o l e g r e w d e e p e r a n d w i d e r. By t h e t i m e I c a m e to FA , I h a d b e e n b u l i m i c f o r 4 5 y e a r s , f e e l i n g h o p e l e s s a n d p o wer l e s s.

In 2 0 1 9 , I c a l l e d t h e m a i n FA o f f i ce f o r i n f o r m at i o n a n d w a s g i v en t h e n a m e o f a f e l l o w i n a n e a r b y s t a te . I t a l k e d to f o u r p e o p l e b e f o re I f o u n d my s p o n s o r, w h o l i s te n e d to m y s to r y. W h e n s h e a s k e d w h en I w a n te d to s t a r t , I b r i e f l y h e s i t ate d

b e f o r e r e l u c t a n t l y r e p l y i n g , “ To m o rro w ? ” Wi t h a b r a n d - n e w f o o d s c a l e , a

m e a l p l a n , a n d t h e g i f t o f d e s p e r a t i o n , I

b e g a n FA t h e n e x t d ay.

O v e r t i m e , I w a s g i v e n t h e FA to o l s , w h i c h I b e g a n i n c o r p o r a t i n g i n to my d a i l y l i fe. I bec ame he a l thi er a nd st ronger e a c h t i m e I u s e d a to o l . If a s k e d to d a y w h at my f av o r i te to o l i s , I wo u l d h av e to a n s w e r a l l o f t h e m , b e c a u s e I n e e d e a c h o n e to k e e p m e o n t r a c k . My e xc e s s i v e h u n g er f o r f o o d b e g a n to d i m i n i s h w h i l e my h u n g e r f o r re c o v e r y b e g a n to b l o ss o m.

O ver time, I le a rned just how p ower less a n d u n m a n a g e a b l e I a m i n d i s e a s e. I w a s taug ht about the phenomenon of crav ing t h a t t r i g g e r s o v e r w h e l m i n g p hy s i c a l u r g e s f o r m e to e at a n d e at a n d e at . I a l s o b e g a n to u n d e r s t a n d t h e m e n t a l o b s e ss i o n t h a t l u re d m e b a c k to f o o d e v e n w h i l e a b s t i n e n t . I c a n ’ t f o r g e t t h e s p i r itua l component of my add iction, the root o f w h i c h i s s e l f i s h n e s s a n d s e l f - cen tere dn e s s.

D e sp i te us i n g t h e FA to o l s a n d h av i n g b a s i c k n o w l e d g e o f S te p s O n e t h ro u g h

Three, I rema ined in my hole. My a scent

WENDY M , MA

c a m e a s I b e g a n t a k i n g a c t i o ns re l ate d to t h e re s t o f t h e s te p s . I w a s to l d t h a t t h i s w o r k w a s n e v e r d o n e a l o n e , s o w i t h t h e hel p of my Hi g her Power a nd my fel lows, I cl imbed upward, step by step, unti l I felt the e a r th b ene ath my feet, the w a rmth of t h e s u n r a d i a t i n g d o w n , a n d t h e w i n d blow ing a round me.

I b e g a n to e x p e r ience the promises of the Bi g B o ok a nd to g a i n a n e w p er sp e ctive of the world and my p a r t in it.

To d a y, I c o n t i n u e to u s e t h e FA to o l s a n d wo r k t h e Ste p s , b o t h w i t h f e r v o r. I e x p e r i e n c e d t h e s t a r t o f a n FA f e ll o w s h i p n e a r m e w i t h o n e m e e t i n g p e r w e e k , s u p p l em e n te d b y t w o o t h e r c o m m i t t e d m e e t i n g s . I n o w h a v e t h e p r i v i l e g e o f s p o n s o r i n g FA f e l l o w s a n d h e l p i n g a nyo n e w i t h f o o d a d d i c t i o n. I p r ay d a i l y f o r ma x imum effecti veness, ser v i ce, a nd prod u c t i v i t y, a n d I t r y to m a k e e a c h d a y a g o o d d a y w i t h G o d ’ s h e l p. A l l t h e s e to ol s hel p keep me in a f it spir itua l cond it i o n, a n d my h u n g er a n d t h i r s t f o r re co ver y g ro w s. I n e v er t i re o f h e a r i n g s to r i e s

o f h o w o t h er s d i s co v ere d t h i s t r a ns f o r mi n g w ay o f l i f e.

To d a y my f o o d b o t to m i s b e c o m i n g a d istant memor y, yet it s lure is sti l l rea l and p ower f ul. B ottoms c a n b e hi g h, med ium, o r l o w , a n d a ny b o t to m c a n b e c o m e l o w e r a n d l o w e r i f d i g g i n g r e s u m e s . E v e r y fo o d add i ct d i gs his or her ow n hole one bite, one spoonf ul at a time. I know how prone I am to wander o the path of recover y in order to make my w ay b ack to that myster i ous entit y that w a nt s to d ra g me dow n a nd keep me there. Since my hole was so deep before Pro g ra m, I c a n onl y ima g ine the ha rm that would come if I hit bottom again. In FA, I know that help is just a prayer or phone call away. Just for today, my prayer is that I stop d i g g ing , re ach out for hel p, nd the pathway of recover y, and become spir itua l l y t. Ma ny in the wor ld a re aficted with this malad y of food add iction, and together we c an reach more w ho sti l l su er.

a r y F. ,

Stop dig ging, reach out for help, nd the pathway of recover y, and become spiritually t.

Many in the world are a icted with this malady of food addiction, and together we can reach more who still su er.

e Gi of Sp onsorshi p

Wh en I b e g a n at ten d i n g FA a l i t t l e l e s s t h a n a y e a r a g o, i t w a s d i f f i c u l t to f i n d a sp o ns o r. T h e r e w a s n o b o d y w i t h t i m e a v a i lable at either my f irst or second meetings, a n d t h e e x p er i en ce d FA m em b er s d i d n ’ t h av e a re f er r a l f o r m e.

At a meeting so on a er, a ver y prett y, f a s h i o n a b l y - d re s s e d l ad y ab out my a ge c a me up to me a nd o ered to sp onsor me, at least temporari l y to get me sta r ted. We s at on the steps out si de the church where we had just attended a meeting and she went over the fo o d pl a n w ith me. I scribbled down the information and asked lots of questions.

I ad mit that I compl a ined quite a lot in that rst meeting with my sponsor. I generally disliked raw vegetables and had no idea how I would eat al l those salads. I traveled for work and couldn’t ima g ine ta king the food program on the road. She listened patiently to all my complaints and, apparently used to w hiners, patientl y and simpl y ex-

plained how to appl y FA ever y where.

Now I re a l ize that underne ath a l l that whining was a terrible fear of failure. Fortunatel y, I was quite desperate to lose weight. I was impressed by the success of the memb ers I had met, a nd I w a s absol utel y conv inced that God wanted me to fol low this pro g ra m. I w a s a l so conv inced that Go d w a nted me to get sta r ted r i g ht aw ay a nd to b e ob ed i ent. K now ing it w a s absol utel y w hat I w a s supposed to do, I did w hat I w a s told. I made a l ist of the inst r ucti ons, went to the store, a nd then c a l led my sp onsor br i g ht a nd e a r l y the next morning.

At rst, it was d i cult to eat so much at once instead of g ra zing a l l a ernoon and evening , but I made that change. It quickl y b ec a me quite comfor table not to snack. A er just a week or t wo, I had adjusted and felt terri c. My sponsor said that God was doing for me what I could not do for myself, a nd g rad ua l l y I re a l ized the absol ute truth of that statement.

I have been tremendously happy to get my miserable weight problem under control and feel eedom at last om addictive eating.

I also worried about not weighing myself for a whole month, since I was quite afraid that I wouldn’t lose any weight. My sponsor just sa id that I’d lose weig ht, w a it and see, a nd of course, she w a s r i g ht. I lost ten pound s that rst month, and I continued to lose ste ad i l y unti l I re ached my go a l weight.

I went f rom a size 22 to size 8. I t ra nsformed from a dowdy, drab dresser to picking out and wearing st ylish out ts. I had my hair cut in a shorter, trend ier st yle and now my ver y ta lented st y l ist is coming to FA, too. I have been tremendously happy to get my miserable weight problem under control and feel freedom at last from add ictive e ating . I not onl y gave up snacking , I stopped being obsessed with sugar y foods. Healthy foods started tasting wonderf ul to me. My health improved in a dozen ways. Al l my med ical and lab numbers are better a nd my fo ot p a in e vap orated. I a m in my sixties and taking stairs at a run.

I know my sp onsor re a l l y d i d n ’ t have spare time to take me on, so I am gratef ul that she ha s nonetheless sp ent a t remendous amount of time supporting me during the p a st ye a r out of her so -he a r ted , generous wil l ingness to ser ve others. She is the best l istener I know. She prays for me a nd my f a mi l y. When a sked how she is today, she usual l y repl ies, “I’m blessed to be a blessing , ” which describes her perfectl y.

Diana S , Texas, US

Twelve Traditions

Our common welfare should come rst; personal recovery depends on FA unity.

For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority – a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern. The only requirement for FA membership is a desire to stop eating addictively.

Each group should be autonomous except in matters a ecting other groups or FA as a whole. Each group has but one primary purpose –to carry its message to the food addict who still su ers.

An FA group ought never endorse, nance or lend the FA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose. Every FA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

FA, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues, hence the FA name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and lms.

Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous

e B est of Me

“My recover y is keeping me from being the person I w ant to be.” Yes, I actua l l y said that to my sponsor one morning, when I shared the latest problems I was having as I started my new business.

R ather than being impulsive with the purcha se of a ver y big and expensive piece of equipment, I’d done a lot of research on the machine I wanted, talked with others who had the same brand , and d iscussed it at length with my husband before applying for a loan.

I boug ht the ne w machine, w ith a ne w warrant y and good tech support from the dealership and company, and I traveled to the dea lership for tra ining. S omehow, I thought doing all this foot work would guarantee I’d have no problems.

Well, backordered parts doubled the deliver y time, assembly instructions were not as simple as promised, and defective parts, which the company would replace but not ship overnig ht, a l l set me back a couple weeks. I shared w ith my sponsor that, despite my growing frustration, I had handled phone cal ls with the various people at the company better than I had thought possible.

I had been so aggravated about the delays

and annoyed about not getting my way that I w anted to re ver t to my old practices of complaining , arg uing , and manipulating. I w anted to tel l e ver yone how w rong the y were to not do things exactly as I expected. I w anted to tel l the dea lership the y could come get the stupid machine.

But I didn’t do any of those things. I realized that my recover y d id keep me from being the person I wanted to be at each of these moments thank you God! I am, a er all, the kind of person I want to be!

I’m grateful that, during my time in FA, I’m constantly reminded about the importance of separating my feelings from my actions. I’ve been shown that with ever y uncomfortable situation, I have an opportunit y to take the right action, despite how I might be feeling. Because I take the right action, I usually end up feeling better about myself.

Seeking solutions in boxes, bags, and cartons of sugar and our products never made me feel better about myself. Nor did telling people o , w hether it seemed justi ed or not. Letting go of addictive eating opened a door to have God in my life, and each time I let go of tr y ing to get my ow n w ay, that door opens a l ittle more for God’s w ay. at ’ s the person I want to be.

Angie R ., New York, US

Change of Hear t

Afew days ago, it was the eighth anniversar y of the rst day I walked into the FA rooms. I remember so clearly the desperation I felt. I was tr ying so hard to lose weight and instead, was gaining ve pounds a month. I was terri ed.

When I wal ked into that rst FA meeting , I found hope. ese people understood me. ey spoke out loud what I had only thought in my squirrel l y mind.

ey proved that their wil l ingness to do a few simple things provided them with a life truly worth living.

Before I le that meeting, I had a temporar y sponsor. By the next day, I had a f ul ltime sponsor. She lived in a di erent state, and although I hadn’t met her in person, I learned through our conversations that she had what I wanted many years of contented abstinence. However, we were ver y di erent. Our backgrounds and upbringing were polar opposites. I was ama zed by the depth of her spiritual life. She would o en ask me during our morning telephone calls, “ Where’s God in this?”

She guided me through my rst AWOL.

She was willing to travel and was with me, in person, when I gave away my Fi h Step. She held my hand through the fear- lled, life-giving experience of working the Ninth Step as I made amends to an old enemy.

A er a few years, however, the di erences bet ween us began to out weigh the harmony. Hard feel ings started to surface. I kne w I needed a change. I wa s able to secure another sponsor I had admired from afar and ended the relationship with my rst sponsor. Unfortunately, I did not feel comfortable with how it ended. Despite the discomfort, I did not call her to talk about this, and she did not call me. For years, I felt the relationship was unresolved. I prayed.

Not long ago, a former sponsee, who had chosen to be sponsored by someone else, called me a er a time of quiet bet ween us. She simply wanted to thank me. I stated that we both knew that it was God at work in her life, and she said, “ Yes, but you were the one who picked up the phone ever y morning.” W hat a lovely thing to say, I thought, so kind and generous.

So as it happened, on my eighth birthday

W hen it was time to share, I stood and told my fellows of the impact of this experience.

in FA, I was scheduled to lead an FA meeting using a qual i cation record ing. When it started, I couldn’t believe it. I recognized the voice of my rst sponsor. At rst, I crossed my arms and my legs. I felt defensive. en God began to work on me. I realized I was simpl y l istening to another su ering food addict. She had done the best she could as my sponsor. And frankly, looking back, I realized she did a great job. She had given me a solid foundation of abstinence.

By the end of the quali cation, I had uncrossed my arms and legs, moved to the edge of my seat, and was truly listening. I was able to hear her stor y separately from me for the rst time. I felt as if I was standing beside her in gratitude for all that the FA program had given us. We were travelers together on the journey of recover y.

When it was time to share, I stood and told my fellows of the impact of this experience.

I thought it no coincidence that, on this milestone day, the one who got me started should be the one we listened to. I described my change of heart a s I l istened and explained that, as a result of working the program, I could f ully accept my rst sponsor. In fact, I loved her, knowing we are all broken, all addicts in recover y, and all doing the best we can to be of ser vice to one another.

A er the meeting, a fellow nudged me and a sked, “ Why don’t you cal l her?” is thought rolled around in my mind and heart and it dawned on me that I nal l y had the words to say to her. A er some quiet time, I called. Miraculously, she picked up. I told her that I simply wanted to thank her. She said that we both kne w it wa s God at work in my life, and I said, “ Yes, but you were the one who picked up the phone ever y morning.”

Gr i ef and Gratitude

Ab o u t a y e a r a g o, v er y s u d d en l y, my l i fe bec ame unmana geable.

I d i d n ’ t b i n g e o r s k i p a m e a l . I d i d n ’ t i n d u l g e i n f l o u r a n d s u g a r. My h us b a n d o f 3 3 y e a r s to o k h i s l a s t b re at h. Hi s m e d i c a l co n d i t i o n h a d b e en to u c h a n d g o f o r 2 0 d a y s . B e c a u s e I w a s n o t p er m i t te d to b e w i t h h i m at t h e h o sp i t a l d u e to C OV I D, t h e te l e p h o n e w a s o u r o n l y w ay to co m m u n i c ate.

I h a d b e e n a m e m b e r o f FA f o r 1 1 y e a r s w h e n I l o s t my b e l o v e d h u s b a n d , a n d f o r t h i s , I a m t r u l y b l e s s e d . I c o u l d n e v e r h a v e s u r v i v e d w i t h o u t t h e FA to o l s a n d Tw e l v e S te p s . I w a s o n t h e Fo u r t h S te p o f m y AWO L , b u t i t f e l t l i k e I w a s s t i l l o n t h e Fi r s t Ste p a s I w i tn e s s e d my l i f e f a l l i n g a p a r t a ro u n d m e , n o t b e c a u s e o f m y a d d i c t i o n to f o o d , b u t r at h er d u e to t h e u n f o re s e en d e at h of my husb a nd. It fel t l i ke ha lf of me w a s m i s s i n g a n d y e t I w a s e x p e c te d to c o nt i n u e a s i f I were s t i l l w h o l e.

FA fel lows reminded me that I sti l l had to g e t u p i n t h e m o r n i n g , g e t o n m y k n e e s , a s k G o d f o r h e l p, a n d h a v e a w e i g h e d - a n d -m e a s u re d b re a k f a s t . Th i s w a s t h e o n l y t h i n g t h at s e em e d n o r m a l i n t h e m i d s t o f m y p e r s o n a l t r a g e d y.

Ev er y t h i n g i n my l i f e h a d c h a n g e d . I b e-

c a m e r e s p o n s i b l e f o r p a y i n g b i l l s a n d

d o i n g a l l t h e t a s k s re l ate d to t h e l o s s o f

a f a m i l y m em b er. I w a s p l a n n i n g t h e f u -

n e r a l a n d t a k i n g h e a r t f e l t c o n d o l e n c e

c a l l s f rom f a mi l y, f r i end s, a nd a sso ci ates. It w a s over w hel ming . My he a r t w a s brok en d u r i n g t h i s en t i re g r i e v i n g p ro ce s s.

I a m g r a te f u l t h a t G o d p u t p e o p l e i n p l a c e to h e l p m e . I j u s t h a d to a c c e p t that help, w hich ha s a lw ays been d iff icult f o r m e. I w i l l n e v er f o r g et my sp o ns o r ’ s w o r d s w h e n I to l d h e r t h e n e w s . S h e s a i d , “ Hav e y o u r s i s ter m a k e y o u r f o o d ; s h e k n o w s w h at y o u e at . ” Th en t h e n e x t d ay, my thoug htf ul sp onsor broug ht me a l l t h e f o o d I n e e d e d f o r a n en t i re we e k !

A y e a r b e f o re t h i s t r a g e d y, my sp o ns o r s u g g e s te d t h at I s en d h er a l i s t e v er y d ay o f t h re e t h i n g s f o r w h i c h I w a s g r ate f u l .

During my quiet time one morning , I rea l i ze d t h at I co u l d f i n d t h re e w ay s to b e g r ate f u l i f I re a l l y m a d e t h e e f f o r t .

Even during this terribl y pa inf ul period of my l i fe, I have gratitude for the people

Go d p l a ce d i n my l i f e a n d f o r t h e t i m e these lovel y a nd g raci ous p eople to ok to b e there for my f a mi l y a nd me. The g rati t u d e I f e l t f o r e a c h a n d e v er y p er s o n i n my l i fe tr ul y a l lowed me to ea se my gri ef.

W h i l e d o i n g m y Fo u r t h S te p, m y

s p o n s o r s p o t te d a c a r d i n a l a t h e r w i nd o w a n d r e a d m e a p o e m a b o u t a r e d c a r d i n a l s h o w i n g u p i n a f a m i l y ’ s l i f e a f te r t h e l o s s o f t h e i r l o v e d o n e . I n ot i c e d a c a r d i n a l t h a t v e r y d a y a n d w i t h g r a te f u l te a r s i n m y e y e s , I f e l t l i k e m y h u s b a n d w a s c h e c k i n g i n o n m e . T h e s i m p l e m e l o d y o f t h a t c a r d i n a l ’ s s o n g g av e m e i m m ens e co m f o r t .

My s p o n s o r a l s o s u g g e s te d t h a t I m a k e p l a n s w i t h o t h e r s d u r i n g t h e w e e k e n d s a n d t h e s u m m e r w h i l e I w a s n ’ t w o r k i n g i n o r d e r to f e n d o f f l o n e l i n e s s . S o I t r i e d p l a y i n g p i c kl e b a l l , w h i c h w a s f u n . A n d I s p e n t t h e m o n t h o f Ju l y r e c o n n e c t i n g w i t h f a m i l y i n M i c h ig a n.

I h a v e r e m a i n e d a b s t i n e n t d e s p i te the tra ged y in my l i fe. The g race of God , the FA fel lowshi p, a nd supp or t f rom my f a m i l y h a v e s u s t a i n e d m y r e c o v e r y. It b a f f l e s my m i n d to b e l i e v e t h a t w h e n I n e e d e d t h e c o m f o r t o f f l o u r a n d s u g a r t h e m o s t , i t w a s n e v er a n o p t i o n I en tert a i n e d . Ev en t h o u g h I l o s t my h u s b a n d

a f ter d e c a d e s o f m at r i m o ny, I s t i l l h av e

m u c h f o r w h i c h to b e t h a n k f u l ! Gr a t i -

t u d e , e v en i n l o s s , i s a to o l f o r my re co ver y.

D e sp i te a l l t h e p a i n o f m o u r n i n g t h at

I f e l t , I r e c o g n i z e h o w m u c h m y h u sb a nd loved me. His l a st text s a i d that he l o v e d m e m o re t h a n I wo u l d e v er k n o w .

I a m f i n d i n g o u t t h a t w h a t h e s a i d w a s t r u e . I h a d t h e g i f t of lov ing a nd b eing l o v e d b y a wo n d erf u l m a n , m y p a r tn e r f o r o v e r 3 0 y e a r s . I ’ m g r a te f u l f o r t h e g i f t s o f g i vi n g a n d r e c e i v i n g s u c h g re at l o v e. Gr i e v i n g i s n ’ t a p a t h t h a t I c h o s e a n d i t i s n ’ t a n e a s y j o u r n e y. I c a n ’ t i m a g i n e g o i n g t h ro u g h t h e s t a g e s o f g r i e f w h i l e s t i l l e a t i n g a d d i c t i v e l y. Wi t h FA , I h a v e h o p e ; a d d i c t i v e e at i n g s to l e my h o p e. I a m n o t s u r e h o w l o n g m y g r i e v i n g p ro ce s s w i l l t a k e , b u t I a m s u re t h at my FA f a m i l y w i l l b e t h ere to l o v e a n d s u pp o r t m e a l o n g t h i s j o u r n e y o f j o y, p a i n, l o v i n g , a n d l et t i n g g o.

S a n d y H. , F l o r i d a , U S

I witnessed my life falling apart around me, not because of my addiction to food, but rather due to the unforeseen death of my husband. It felt like half of me was missing and yet I was expected to continue as if I were still whole.

Qui et Practi ce Twelve Steps

Coming into recover y ve years a go, I wasn ’ t sure if I could do al l the disciplines of the program as suggested to me by my sponsor: phone calls, meetings, weighing and measuring my food, etc. Howe ver, I w a s w i l l ing to tr y and do these things. At the end of my initial meeting w ith my sponsor, she a l so mentioned quiet time. She sa id that it needed to be taken prior to my phone call with her, that it w a s to be a ha lf-hour long , and that I couldn’t swim for a half hour in the pool and count that as my quiet time, even though I prayed through much of it. Could I use this time to w rite that d ay ’ s to-do l ist? No. Could I use it to read? No. For 30 minutes, I would have to be still.

Today, my quiet time is not perfect; it is 30 minutes of practice ever y morning. I practice turning o the never-end ing loops of my family situations, work problems, nancial worries, relationship issues, and addict obsessions. My quiet time is 30 minutes of love I give myself ever y day. It is where I let my higher power hold me. I give over all my fears, doubts, and insecurities and repl ace them with peace and serenit y. Quiet time is essential to my recover y journey and has become the favorite part of my day.

Lisa M., Michigan, US

We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to food addicts and to practice these principles in all our a airs.

1.

7.

End ing the Str ug g le

In the same week, I le a relationship of a l most three years and t wo d ays l ater wa s o ered my dream job. In the pa st, either of these events would have been excuses for eating. And yet, I d idn’t. A part of m e d i d n ’ t re a l i ze t h e i m p o r t a n ce o f t h i s unti l I w a s sha r ing at a n FA meeting a nd noticed the expressions on people’s faces. I a m s o g r ate f u l f o r t h i s p ro g r a m b ec aus e w i t h a l m o s t t h re e y e a r s o f a b s t in en ce i n FA , I d i d n o t h av e to e at my w ay t h ro u g h t h e s e experiences.

Before FA, I was one of those people who re p e ate d l y l o s t a n d g a i n e d t h e s a m e 3 0 pounds for years. I started by joining a popu l a r co m m erc i a l we i g h t- l o s s p ro g r a m at a ge 19 and c ame into FA at a ge 46. Before FA , I w a s t r a c k i n g my we i g h t w i t h e l e ctronic tools. Ever y day I str ug g led. Weig hing 148 pounds had felt l i ke a crisis, yet my we i g h t w h en I l e t h at co m m erc i a l d i et program wa s hig her than w hen I star ted.

I hoped I would be a “tourist” in FA rather than a permanent resident. When I started,

I t h o u g h t n o t h av i n g sn a c k s b et we en m e a l s w a s a b s u rd a n d a b s t i n en ce f ro m

o u r a n d s u g a r i m p o s s i b l e. Yet I w a n te d what my fellows had, so I d id what was suggested. I g ured I could do any thing for 90 days.

In the pa st, a relationship brea kup would h av e t r i g g ere d a b i n g e i n o rd er to c h e c k o u t , to re i n f o rce a s ens e t h at I w a s n o t at t r a c t i v e , a n d to k e e p p e o p l e aw ay. I would have watched my c l o t h e s g et t i n g t i g h ter a n d t i g h ter, and my shirts getting b i g g er a n d b i g g er s o I co u l d h i d e u n d er t h em. Wi t h t h i s b re a k u p, I co n t i n u e d to weig h and mea sure my food. I d idn’t want to think about getting close to 50 years old and being a lone a ga in.

e truth is that I’m not alone. I have a fellowship of people I know and w ho know

m e. I h av e my f a m i l y a n d f r i en d s. I h av e friends in FA that I go r unning w ith. I am loved and I love others.

My add i cti on w ant s me to feel a lone so that I w i l l fa l l into a pit of despa ir. It e ven

e truth is that I’m not alone.

I have a fellowship of people I know and who know me.

tel l s me that the d re a m job is not wor th anything if I don’t have someone to share it w ith. My fel lows have w atched me t r y to nd this job for years and have supported me. For the rst time in my life, I really have people cheering for me. But my add iction wants to undermine my recover y a nd send me b ack into the compul si on to eat.

Wi t h a l l t h at ’ s going on, it’s hard to g ure out w hen I’m t r u l y h u n g r y. e g o o d t h i n g a b o u t this pro g ra m is that I don’t have to g ure that out. I weigh and m e a s u re my co mmitted food and eat on the timetable my sp o ns o r a n d I h av e a g re e d u p o n. It i s the same set of practices I have had since I rst came into Program and it sti l l works.

It has been such a rel ief to nd a job close to home, that’s in my profession, and that pays enough. I had been working basical l y as an intern for six years, traveling 275 miles round-trip three times ever y t wo weeks. In

the days following travel and work, I was so exhausted that I couldn’t think. In addition, the job d idn’t pay enough, so I always held a second or third job, a nd sometimes a fourth.

I am slowly uncovering the many blessings of this ne w position. Sti l l , it is a huge change, w hich ha s disoriented me. Simpl y weig hing and mea suring my committed food keeps me from the tra in w reck I would have been w ithout this program. e constant angst of tr y ing to lose weig ht w a s l i ke quicksand. e more I struggled, the deeper I sank. Now I don’t have to struggle. I fol low a simple set of tool s and pl an for eating , and the rest takes care of itself.

I heard someone say in a meeting , when I was ver y ne w to FA, that if you weigh and measure your food the rest of life will work it self out. More a nd more I t r ust in that truth.

Anne W., California, US

Simply weighing and measuring my committed food keeps me om the train wreck I would have been without this program. e constant angst of tr ying to lose weight was like quicksand.

e more I strug gled, the deeper I sank.

Now I don’t have to strug gle.

Ba king

When my grandson was about six, my daughter and I took him apple picking. We each got big bags of apples. We talked about what we were going to do with them all. I said that many people bake things, like pies or apple desserts.

He looked at me and said, “My mommy doesn’t bake just carrots. ” is was from a child whose mother had been in FA his whole life and still is in FA 30 years later!

Anne S , Massachusetts, US

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the di erence.