FA Stories of Recovery from Food Addiction
January/February 2024 $2.50
Love is an Action.
January/February 2024
Columns Qualification: An Unexpected Journey. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 First 90 Days: Chronic Breaker. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4 No Matter What: Recovery First. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .23 Notable & Quotable: New Column. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Features
Returning Home. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 Finding My Higher Power. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 Recovery on Holiday. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .12 Big Payout. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .14 Taste of Life. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .16 The Happiest Me. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .18 Divine Clues. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 Desperation. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22
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Credits Front Cover Art: Lou C., NY Back Cover Art: Merissa E., FL Graphic Design: Tickled Plum
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Glossary of Terms
FA: Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous
AA: Alcoholics Anonymous AWOL: A Way of Life, a study of the Twelve Steps Big Book: Alcoholics Anonymous 1 Stone = 14 pounds 1 Kilo = approx. 2.2 pounds Copyright © 2024 Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous 400 W. Cummings Park, Suite 1700 Woburn, MA 01801-6572
Qualification
An Unexpected Journey
I
am not sure if I was born an addict, al- one year old, my mum gave birth to my though my baby photos reveal that I brother and a year later, my sister. Three was heavy, and at only six weeks old, children in three years, and my mum was many thought that I was several months not even 22. After having my sister, my older. I was a fussy eater even as a baby. I mum fell ill and nearly died. My brother come from a large Greek family that shows and I were looked after by my mum’s aunt, love with food. Everyone loved me because who had eight children. Even though I was I was the first grandchild and first niece on only two, I remember vividly a room full of my mum’s side, and children trying to be they fed me like I have learned to be open fed, including me there was no tomorand my brother. I row. with people I don’t know, longed for my mum. Both my parents Fortunately, she grew up poor. My fapulled through her people I can only see via ther was eight when illness. Her happihe wore his first pair a camera, and yet these people ness coming home of shoes. He said that to her three children are now my family. he was always hungry cannot be adeand had gotten into quately described. trouble many times for stealing food. My She had been away for many days and all mother started working at age eight to help she could see was that we were thin. To her, support her parents and four siblings. Her we looked neglected and underfed. She mother had congenital heart disease, and made it her mission to never get sick again her patriarchal father provided very little and to ensure her children would never for the family. Food was scarce. Therefore, again look underfed. during my childhood, my parents made And so it began. Mum would wake up in sure that food was never in short supply. the middle of the night and have us drink After migrating to Australia when I was hot beverages to make up for anything we connection
1
had not eaten during the day. In the morning, she would feed us breakfast, followed by a late-morning snack, then lunch, a snack again in the late afternoon, and then dinner. When we began attending school, she started to work. As the eldest, I was expected to look after my siblings after school, sometimes cook for them, and do chores she had no time for. At nine years old, I had responsibilities more suited to adults. I craved to be a child, to play, but Mum was head of the house, and everything needed to go according to her plans. At age 16, I finished school and started working. Food was always a focal point of
my daily life, and that did not change after I got older. I was married at age 19, had my first child at 21, and was divorced at 22. I was living in Greece with an 18-month-old child but with no job and no partner. I lived with my parents, and while they worked, I looked after the house and cooked. History was repeating itself. Food became my comfort. I had no self-control and no willpower. My highest weight reached 260 pounds. I hated myself, and I hated looking at myself in the mirror. One day, a girlfriend called and said, “You need to try this program.” At first, I thought FA was a cult. I could not handle anything
LONI B., AUST
that had to do with spirituality, as I was from Greece, I can support my FA fellows. confusing it with religion, and I had moved I am only a call away. away from religion years ago. I was also in I’ve learned to meditate and not be hard Greece, on the frontier, and wondered on myself. While I’ve also lost weight, the how I would be able to do this program benefits of the program have been more without a local fellowship. I did not have substantial in that I can provide service the courage to go to Alcoholics Anony- even from so far away. I rely on my sponsor mous meetings, and there were only two for guidance and my Higher Power for of us in Greece who were doing the FA spiritual direction. I listen to my fellows program. But I was knowing that I am desperate and thus I My recovery has not been not alone in this began the program. journey. I am curFast forward a year. rently participating without challenges, After one break, I in my first AWOL, have been abstinent which means getbut the program has for over 200 days. I ting up at 4:30 a.m. helped me ride these bumps to join a virtual have released close to 60 pounds, and meeting. I would with minimal bruising. while there are no never have been able in-person meetings to do this before renear me, I would be lost without this pro- covery. gram. My virtual meetings are invaluable, My recovery has not been without chalbut most helpful are my outreach calls to lenges, but the program has helped me fellows who have the same issues I have. ride these bumps with minimal bruising. The social anxiety, loneliness, and helpless- Every day is a new day, one day at a time. ness I felt are now less intense. For me, it will be a lifelong journey with I have learned to be open with people I benefits I never knew existed. I can be at don’t know, people I can only see via a peace around food and not have it occupy camera, and yet these people are now my my mind 24 hours a day. I am forever gratefamily. I am in Greece and have people ful. I am hoping that people will start seewho are there for me from the US, Aus- ing my results, and this will generate a tralia, the UK, and Israel. The list is endless! more active, growing fellowship in Greece. But what is more rewarding is that even Roula S., Greece connection
3
First 90 Days
Chronic Breaker
I
t took me three years and six months didn’t leave any room for God to work in to get my first 90 days in FA. I my life. worked hard, believing that the When I joined FA, I didn’t know why I harder I tried, the sooner I would find ab- ate. How in the world did I make my way stinence. I negatively compared myself to up to 307 pounds after six years of educathose who shared their stories at the front tion to become a dietitian? In my midof the room and newcomers who got it forties, I suffered from diabetes, right away. What hypertension, high was the missing cholesterol, heartGetting out of my negative burn, and excruciatpuzzle piece I needed to get abstiing pain with thinking was the start of turnnent? plantar fasciitis. I Each week I was always looking ing my program around. would leave the for a way to fix my meetings upset, bebrokenness. I used rating myself with all kinds of negative weight-loss programs, books, and diets to self-talk. Disappointed in myself, I felt help me figure it out. hopeless because I had yet again broken In these last three and one-half years, I my abstinence. I finally realized that I was called myself a chronic breaker. It’s litergetting in my own way. Trying to think ally impossible to count how many times my way into abstinence wasn’t working. I I broke my abstinence. I felt like a failure. was over-complicating everything, hus- These continuous slip-ups inevitably tling in all areas of my life, always feeling made me try even harder, but it was a vioverwhelmed and anxious. I worked my- cious cycle. I couldn’t get the damaging self to the point of pure exhaustion. This beliefs out of my head. I keep failing! Why was the perfect combination to land me can’t I get this? right back into the food every single I was successful in my career due to hard time. As a former sponsor told me, I work, a lot of drive, and a little bit of 4
January/February 2024
pushiness, so why couldn’t I get this? My FA fellows encouraged me to keep coming back. They said, “Don’t leave before the miracle happens.” The thought of leaving FA was never an option. I lost 75 pounds when I first joined but re-gained
breaks, but instead of hopelessness, she heard perseverance! There it was, my Higher Power was speaking through her. I always persevered in life, and I was persevering in FA. I didn’t give up. I didn’t leave before I felt the benefits of recovery.
MACKENZIE P., CA
90 pounds after picking up the food again, though I was still attending meetings. Gratefully, I received an outreach call that changed my “stinkin’ thinkin’.” A fellow listened through my uncomfortable tears and heard my story of chronic connection
That realization changed my whole story. The shame started melting away. Getting out of my negative thinking was the start of turning my program around. Soon after, I started to practice the principle of honesty with my sponsor. I found a sponsor I didn’t fear would drop me. I 5
began to trust that I could land in a safe for help. My sponsor helped me simplify place where I could be honest, open, and my life, one day at a time, which allowed willing. Proper use of the tool of sponsor- room for God, or rather, allowed room ship was critical to my recovery. for me to see God working in my life. It’s true what I hear from members, that Today I plan, prepare, and protect my first and foremost, I have to be honest abstinence. The FA tools of recovery are with my food on the scale. Every morning now my life’s rule book. I can finally acI wake up, get on my knees, and pray, cept this guide on how to live a useful and “God, I am a food addict. I cannot man- happy life. I use my quiet time, sponsor, age my own life. I outreach calls, writneed your power, God keeps showing up for me. ing, literature, and, strength, and wisthank you God, my dom. I need your What a blessing that I can abstinence as a love, your compasframework for how gratefully see and hear sion, and your nurto navigate through turing presence in life. the messages and lessons. my life. Please direct I used to believe I my thinking and achad dishonesty runtions today, help me be in alignment with ning through my veins; now I practice the your will.” principle of honesty in all my affairs. I’ve Fully admitting I could not manage my lost a total of 155 pounds and am still own life was very humbling. My emo- counting. Gratefully, my medical conditions, relationships, recovery program, tions are resolved. job, household, and obsessive thinking Thank you, FA, for bringing me closer were all unmanageable when I was direct- to my Higher Power. God keeps showing ing. Food truly was a symptom. I had a life up for me. What a blessing that I can problem. gratefully see and hear the messages and “The same person will eat again.” This is lessons. Today, I am making room for my a phrase I heard at an FA meeting that I spiritual practice, making healthy deadopted as my motto. My way just wasn’t posits into my spiritual bank account. working. If I didn’t change, it might be an- Best of all, I know I am not alone. I have a other three years before I had a chance at tribe of recovering fellows to guide me on contented abstinence. this beautiful journey called life. I’ve been able to humble myself and ask Jenny K., Ohio, US 6
January/February 2024
Returning Home
I
had been in FA for a year and a half when my friend and I decided to go on a two-week road trip to go sightseeing and attend a rodeo. It was my first road trip since joining FA, so I talked about the trip with my sponsor. She told me that I would need to prepare and pack food for the trip, so I could maintain my abstinence. She also strongly suggested that I go to a meeting while on vacation, so I would need to find an FA or AA meeting while on the trip. I agreed to do the preparing and packing of food, but I told my sponsor I was not going to drag my friend to an in-person meeting. That was the moment when, as the Big Book states, my self-will ran riot. I decided I could leave FA because I had my food plan and knew not to eat sugar and flour. I would connection
be all right on the trip, I told myself smugly. Then I decided I did not need to prepare food for the trip after all. I could eyeball my portions when I ate at restaurants along the way. As I look back at that time, I see that I abandoned my Higher Power, because by the fourth day of the trip, I was no longer asking God for help nor was I expressing gratitude for helping me keep my abstinence. One day was very hot with temperatures more than 90 degrees. My JEANNE L., WA friend and I were at a restaurant, and he decided to order a frozen dessert. Not much later, my addiction started whispering to me, Have some, too. It is so hot out. It will feel and taste so good. A little won’t hurt you. My Higher Power also spoke, You do not want to take that first bite. Then the dis7
ease countered with, You can control your- my Higher Power. But my God did not self. Have just a small dish. Being the man leave me. In fact, an interesting thing hapof science that I am, I decided to test that pened. Two weeks before my appointhypothesis. I ate a small serving of dessert. ment to see the new doctor, a lady I used Each day thereafter, depending only on to connect with in FA called me out of the my willpower and using none of my tools blue. She said she was looking at her to follow my FA food plan, I slowly gave phone list to make an outreach call when in to my disease. By the time I got home, she noticed my number and had not I had completely stopped eating healthy heard from me in a long time. I told her I foods and was back into sugar and flour had left FA. Before we ended the call, she products in large said, “You know you quantities. can come back to The first one who turned I left FA, and over FA.” I told her I the course of the would think about next five years, my around was my former sponsor. it. The following weight increased another lady She walked up to me with week, from 215 to 372 from former FA pounds. During that outreach calls a warm smile and gave me time, I developed a phoned. Before the medical condition end of that conversaa great big hug, saying, that required a tion, she said, “We’re catheter. There was “I am so glad you are back.” all here for you if an operation I could you decide to come have to correct the back to FA.” Once condition, but my doctor suggested using again, I said I would think about it. medication instead because he feared I I went to the new doctor, and he agreed would have complications with surgery. I to do the operation. However, I needed to was on a blood thinner from two blood lose at least 50 pounds in the next three clots in my lungs when I weighed 475 months or the procedure would need to pounds. I lived with the catheter for three be a more intrusive surgery to correct my years and my condition did not improve. condition. So, I decided to find another doctor will- When I got into my car, I sat there woning to perform the operation. dering how I was going to lose the weight. When I left FA, I also walked away from That is when I heard the internal voice 8
January/February 2024
that had been silent for five years, You know from FA. They welcomed me back with what you need to do. I realized it was God joy and happiness. telling me I needed to reconnect with my On the day of the operation, my doctor FA fellowship. My disease tried to use came into the room where I was being pride to prevent me from returning, try- prepared to check on me. He was suring to convince me that people in the fel- prised that I had lost weight. In the three lowship would say, “See, you should not months before the operation, I was able have left.” to lose the required 50 pounds. The operThe next morning as I was online read- ation went off without a hitch. Thank you, ing news articles, something compelled God! me to check when Today, I am living my former FA my life following the Today, I am living my life Twelve Steps of FA, group had a meeting. To my surprise, heeding the suggesfollowing the Twelve Steps it was that very aftertions of my sponsor, noon. As I apworking the tools, of FA, heeding the suggestions and proached the door doing what I beto attend, fear of my sponsor, working the tools, lieve God wants me welled up in me and to do. Now I can I hesitated at the honestly say that and doing what I believe door. I was about to when I stop working turn around to go my tools, stop askGod wants me to do. home, but I knew I ing God to help me needed to enter the stay abstinent, and rooms of FA again. I noticed four ladies start depending exclusively on my who were members when I originally willpower, I will take that first bite, which started. The first one who turned around is guaranteed to lead me back to eating adwas my former sponsor. She walked up to dictively. I conducted the experiment of me with a warm smile and gave me a great taking the first bite and fell right back into big hug, saying, “I am so glad you are the dark pit of eating sugar and flour—a back.” Then the rest of the ladies came place I do not want to revisit. Now I am over and gave me wonderful welcoming living a life of happiness and serenity behugs. Not one of them said “I told you so” cause of FA. I am home again. or anything else about my stepping away Rick D., New York, US connection
9
Finding My Higher Power
I
grew up in a moderately religious cause I was fat and ugly. So, when this one household. We talked about God on boy gave me the time of day, I became his a regular basis at the dinner table. We girlfriend. I felt lucky because he was a all went to church on Sundays where my good guy and truly loved me. But I didn’t family was involved in charity work. choose him. I had simply gone along and I always had faith, but by the age of seven that was not enough for a solid relationor eight, I remember feeling uncomfort- ship to last. Within six months, I knew he able speaking to was not the one for God. My parents There was a void inside me me, but I stayed with were not zealous, him for four years and religion was not because who was I to that nothing could fill, forced on me. Conturn my back on sequently, I stopped a wound that nothing could someone who loved going to church me so much? heal. For most of high school, when I was a As my list of bad teenager. Eventually, behaviors grew I didn’t have a boyfriend, Dad made the Sunlonger, I started to day trip alone. That’s feel shame and and I was convinced it was when I felt the gap deemed myself unbetween me and of God. I because I was fat and ugly. worthy God. kicked God out of In my teens, I was my life altogether. I rebellious. I drank alcohol and did drugs. I was certain I was not going to Heaven, and talked back to my parents and felt unloved my ego convinced me I was not deserving by the world. As an active food addict, I al- of God’s love. I didn’t dare speak to God ready had serious self-esteem issues. There anymore. I could not pray. I felt alone, lost, was a void inside me that nothing could fill, and in distress without a guiding light. I a wound that nothing could heal. lived in denial and pretended nothing was For most of high school, I didn’t have a missing. This was my life for almost 30 boyfriend, and I was convinced it was be- years. 10
January/February 2024
When I found FA, I was 43 and I only relieved and free. I didn’t expect my prayers wanted to fix my weight problem. Not sur- to be answered so quickly and clearly. Apprisingly, the spirituality of the program re- parently, I was ready for more than a ally turned me off. I was not interested in nudge! I am very grateful for that forceful revisiting that painful part of my life. I had and immediate response. My career took made my life choices and that was that. off. My first few sponsors were very supportI now have an effective and tranquil relaive and didn’t force anything on me. They tionship with my Higher Power whom I said I would find my Higher Power in due call God, just as I did as a child. But it’s diftime when I was ready. And I did. At first, ferent now because I have an actual relait was the power of the group. Then, for a tionship. We connect several times a day. while, it was my “better self.” Eventually, And I know, deep in my soul, that I am Mother Nature and never alone. My The Universe started Higher Power is alI didn’t dare speak to God ways popping up in my there, waiting times of quiet medime to connect. anymore. I could not pray. for tation. A seed had And if I stray, I know been planted, and it I felt alone, lost, and in distress that power will alwas growing. ways be there, waitAfter a year in the ing for me to come without a guiding light. program, I was havhome. ing problems at work I lived in denial and pretended Today I may not be and my sponsor sugwhere I’d hoped to nothing was missing. gested I talk to my be at age 51. But I Higher Power about know that on this it. With some reluctance, I agreed to do so. journey, I am exactly where I need to be. I It took me close to 30 years, but I finally am not alone. I am moving in the right dilooked up and talked to God. The connec- rection. I have strength and hope for the tion lines were being restored. future. Equipped with the physical, mental, I asked for guidance on what to do about and spiritual program of FA recovery, I no this job, a place I didn’t feel valued or ap- longer dread getting older. Instead, I look preciated. Should I quit or persevere? forward to all the marvelous moments I About two weeks later, my employer let know I have ahead of me. me go and, to my surprise, I felt instantly Jeanne D., Ontario, Canada connection
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Recovery on Holiday
B
efore beginning FA four years ago, I traveled overseas with my family at least twice a year. These holidays were an escape from the stress and routine of everyday life. I relished partaking in the buffet breakfasts, sampling exotic cuisines, and dining at different restaurants every night. Traveling back home, exhausted from the hectic pace during the time away, I was often so overwhelmed that I needed to recover from the holiday, which would delay my return to work and daily responsibilities. I continue to travel now, whether it’s to the FA business convention or on family vacations. These trips require thought and planning, and I consider my motive for the trip. Is it to boost my recovery? Is it to spend precious time with family? I discuss my ideas for 12
the trip with my sponsor, taking a weighed and measured approach to all aspects of the time away. The greatest priority is to make sure my food is organized for my journey. Rather than staying in a hotel, I book an apartment with kitchen facilities
and a lounge or dining area. When I arrive at my destination, I shop and prepare meals for the coming days. Then I am ready to explore the sights. I also check if there is a local FA meeting I can attend. I have visited FA meetings in Los Angeles, New York, and Miami while on holiday. It’s wonderful to meet different people in our fellowship and be of service. Last year while in Lisbon, Portugal, I trav-
eled across town on a train to get to an AA meeting in a beautiful beachside location. I have discovered some amazing places just by being willing to work my program. When traveling to the US or Europe I reach out to FA fellows in that time zone. It’s an opportunity to forge new connections, strengthen old ones, and reach people who may not have in-person fellowships. I download recorded FA stories to my phone to listen to between meetings and when in transit, and I take several issues of connection magazine to catch up on reading. I am amazed at how smoothly I can work my FA program while traveling, and it has always enhanced the holiday experience. I heed the slogan, “Don’t eat no matter what; no matter what don’t eat!” Returning home, I sometimes lapse into negative thinking and selfpity, but I choose to get into action and be in gratitude for the opportunity to experience recovery on holiday. Maria M., Australia WENDY M., MA
13
Big Payout
Y
ears have passed since I visited Atlantic City, but the memory of that day is still vivid in my mind. I had taken a bus tour for a day trip when the city first opened casinos along its infamous boardwalk. Having never been to a casino before, I was full of wonder and anticipation. I remember the rush of excitement as I inserted a single coin into the slot machine, pulled the lever, and watched as the winning symbols fell into place in the little window. Wow! The machine sounded beep-beep-beep as my small payout jangled into the metal tray below. A fun moment for sure. But what stayed with me the most were the words that the gambler next to me said as I collected my modest winnings. “You should have put in five coins! The bigger the bet, the bigger the payout!” Sound familiar? It does to me. It’s similar to what I’ve learned in my recovery from food addiction. The more I put into FA, the more I get out of it. 14
I struggled with food addiction for years, feeling hopeless and trapped, trying everything I could to break free from its grip. Nothing worked until I discovered FA. At last, I had a glimmer of hope through a structured approach that focused on building a community of support and following a proven step-bystep regimen designed to stop addictive eating. At first, I was skeptical. I’d tried so many other programs and they had all failed. However, something about LOU C., NY FA felt different. Maybe it was the people who were so warm and welcoming, who seemed genuinely invested in helping me recover. Or maybe it was the structure of the program, which provided a clear roadmap to wellness. Whatever it was, I knew I needed to give it a try. So, I began. I attended meetings, got a sponsor, and started working the program. It wasn’t easy, but I found that the more I invested in my recovery, the easier it became. I saw progress January/February 2024
right away. My cravings became less intense, and I was able to resist temptation more easily. I started to feel more in control of my life and my choices. As I continued to invest fully in my recovery, I experienced a sense of peace and freedom I’d never known before. Looking back on that day in the casino, I’m reminded of these words from our FA meeting format, read aloud at every meeting, “Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.” To me, the word “thoroughly” encourages me to put as much of myself into my recovery as I can. My experience shows me it’s a good bet. With genuine effort and faith in a power greater than myself, I can’t lose! The odds are very much in my favor. So, I continue to invest in my recovery. I attend meetings regularly, and I follow the step-by-step regimen laid out for me. I find new ways to stay connected to the warm and welcoming people who have become my community of support. The payout? I have a new sense of purpose and meaning, a deeper connection to myself and those around me, and a newfound appreciation for the power of investing fully in the things that matter most. I’ve never been much of a gambler, but I’m so glad I went “all in’’ with FA. To this day, I continue to grow, heal, and reap the rewards that come with my investment. For that, I will always be grateful. Lou C., New York, US connection
Twelve Traditions 1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on FA unity. 2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority – a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern. 3. The only requirement for FA membership is a desire to stop eating addictively. 4. Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or FA as a whole. 5. Each group has but one primary purpose – to carry its message to the food addict who still suffers. 6. An FA group ought never endorse, finance or lend the FA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose. 7. Every FA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions. 8. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers. 9. FA, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve. 10. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues, hence the FA name ought never be drawn into public controversy. 11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films. 12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities. Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous15
Taste of Life
I
recently traveled more than 10 hours from my home in Canada to the state of Maryland in the US to meet my newest grandchild. I was nervous about feeling disappointed and hurt if my son didn’t show gratitude for the trouble I was going through to get there. I expected appreciation for preparing four days of meals, for the money spent repairing and returning his old car, and for the time and effort it took to arrange caregiving for my husband while I was away. My need for validation, affection, and appreciation was only bringing me misery. My fears and doubts were also causing undue stress and anxiety. I had a whole list of questions I felt I was owed answers to right away, and I believed my son wasn’t answering the way I wanted. Would I get to see my other grandchildren from his first wife? Where would I sleep? Where could I refrigerate the FA meals I had brought from home? Had I arrived with that emotional storm raging inside me, I would surely have come back a mess. I would have been left with a figurative “bitter taste in my mouth’’ and a literal burning in my stomach, which would have had me guzzling antacid medication to calm the pain. I would also have relinquished the opportunity to experience true joy and love. Worst of all, I would have caused further 16
stress and anguish to my loved ones, instead of showing them support and affection. My life was all about worrying that my physical and emotional needs wouldn’t be met. As I’ve learned by reading AA’s Big Book, the character defects of self-absorption and addictive thinking are the underlying causes of my depression and food addiction. Instead of strengthening my relationship with my son, my attitude and behavior produced the exact opposite of what I craved. My son was physically distancing himself from me and emotionally closing himself off. In return, this agony triggered depressive episodes or emotional binges of relentless crying, feeling helpless, and self-pity. These were behaviors I had relied on for four decades and got me to 157 pounds, which on my 4-foot, 10-inch frame is considered obese. But by the grace of G-d, one miracle after another occurred on that trip that freed me from this prison of my own making. The first was when my FA sponsor told me in a clearheaded and blunt way (rather than her usual gentle manner) that I had to completely let go of all those expectations. If I was going to honor my daughter-in-law on the birth of the baby, as was my intention, I had to travel with only one goal in mind—one thought had to guide my actions, speech, and behavior. Will January/February 2024
this bring happiness to my son and daughterin-law? I swallowed my pride and ego and reflected on that idea. I decided that everything I did and said must be what would bring them a sense of calm, peace, and serenity. So, as I’ve learned through the FA slogans, ask no questions, let go of expectations, and rely on my Higher Power. I would be a calm, reassuring presence and would use the tools of FA. During quiet times, I would ask my Higher Power to help me stay on track and focus on what I could do for my family, instead of what they could do for me. What happened was beyond my wildest dreams. With this guidance from my sponsor, my new mindset, and my sincere ability to change myself, as well as the help I received from my Higher Power, the miracles began. Traveling went smoothly. There were no problems at the border or bringing my food with me and, on the return, an easy flight home. Although my traveling companions contracted COVID on their return, I was spared. I stayed in a comfortable home with connection
lovely hosts who respected my FA food program and showed interest in its spiritual foundation. I stayed abstinent throughout the trip even though I attended several social gatherings where flour and sugar were prevalent. Then I got to experience not only what I wished for, but what I didn’t dream could happen. I got to see my older grandkids every day of my trip! And I also got to reconnect with their mother and maternal grandparents, who I had not seen since the divorce from my son many years ago. All this time it had been eating me up inside that I could not maintain a warm relationship with that side of the family. I NORMA JEAN P., OH got the opportunity to hug them, thank them, and re-establish a relationship. By refraining from making personal requests, I was able to respect and accept my son and, in return, he treated me with kindness and respect. That was G-d giving me all I needed at just the right time and place because I humbled myself. I am so grateful to FA for giving me back a taste of life. Sarah Z., Canada 17
The Happiest Me
I
f you asked me several years ago what There I was at 233 pounds, looking for would make the best and happiest me, I someone or something to save me from my would have said I wanted to be the unhappy, destructive self. Why was I not able brightest, light-as-a-feather, slim woman with to control my eating? Why was I always out the face of an angel on the arm of a tall, hand- of sorts? some, rich man who would treat me as if I I looked for answers from doctors who were made of spun gold. prescribed amphetamines, weight-loss clubs, When I “woke up” from this dreamy fan- diet books, and fitness magazines. I tried anytasy and faced the truth, I knew I was praying thing that would promise a thin body. I lost for a miracle, yet living in the pain of my eat- weight numerous times but soon gave in to ing frenzy. My food my food obsession, addiction had me in I was confronting valuable gaining it all back and its grips. I did not unmore. My situation derstand why I could new lessons, such as facing was hopeless. I was not stop eating. My hopeless. thoughts kept spinI started as a chubby my feelings, improving ning and would not four-year-old, turned relationships, learning to be into a hefty 198stop. I never had enough flour, sugar, pound teenager, then a friend, and living with or quantities to satisfy morphed into an me. obese 73-year-old dignity and self-esteem. After a troublewoman weighing 233 some, unhappy marpounds. On a Saturriage of 25 years, my overdue divorce was day morning in 2006, I walked into an FA finalized. While my ex sought comfort in meeting on the recommendation of a friend women, I sought comfort in food. Despite from another Twelve Step food program eating inordinate amounts of sugar and flour that I had been trying. A familiar person products, I could not reach the point of sati- stood up to sponsor and I asked her to help ation. Food was the only way I knew to cope me. My FA journey began. with my problems and all of life’s challenges. With much gratitude and the help of my 18
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caring sponsor, the weight came off and I more. I needed to change the thoughts that was down in size. How did this happen? Was had me running to quantities of food every this the food program that would finally time I got hit with another challenge, disapwork? Would I be granted that happy, prom- pointment, resentment, fear, sadness, or loss. ising future, living the dream of my earlier My sponsor guided me to be open to new years? I envisioned buying the latest fashions skills and ideas, to stay close to my Higher knowing everything would fit perfectly. I Power, and to care for others. would have lots of friends, and of course, I have been in a right-sized body for many meet the man of my dreams. I would have years now. I am happier than I’ve ever been. everything I ever My life is sane, wanted while and I am consailing through tent. I have love, life without a without a “Mr. care in the world. Wonderful,” and I realized that I am surrounded my fantasy thinkby caring people ing had to who do not change, just as judge me nor do things around I judge them. I me were changlive in gratitude ing. I began to and harmony recognize that I with God and was on even FA. ground in FA, reI’ve learned covering from a that I do not ne ver-end ing need to drink battle with a diswine to relax ease that isolated SUSAN D., CA when I’m with and robbed me of self-expression. I was con- others. I do not need a man in my life to fronting valuable new lessons, such as facing bring out the best in me. Cottage cheese my feelings, improving relationships, learn- does not have to be a diet food. It’s just aning to be a friend, and living with dignity and other protein I can choose, while I weigh and self-esteem. I saw that my Higher Power was measure my life. teaching me these lessons and so much Arline C., Florida, US connection
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Divine Clues
W
hen I came into FA more mitting suicide. So, I was willing to believe than three years ago weigh- in something. Now I have come to believe ing 270 pounds, there was that sometimes evidence of God is huge, no God in my life. I was one of those who like when I recently landed my amazing said, “If there was a God, how come I en- new job. But sometimes evidence of God dured such a miserable childhood?” I’ve is small, like when I scoop my food onto pursued many different spiritual teachers the scale and find I have exactly 4.0 when I and practices in my thought I was going life, but as with diets, to be short. Sometimes evidence of God I didn’t stick with Recently, leaving them for more than a my new job at the is small, like when I scoop few hours, or days, at end of the work day, most. I faced a journey my food onto the scale My sponsor sughome on public gested that I carry a and find I have exactly 4.0 transportation (also small notebook and new for me, rather when I thought I was write down when I than traveling solo saw a beautiful cloud, in my insular “bubgoing to be short. smelled an amazing ble” I call my car). I flower, or had a spewas concerned cial moment I might later forget. I started about arriving late for my FA meeting. I this practice and very quickly realized that knew it would be a push to walk eight even though my childhood wasn’t happy, blocks to the station, catch the train to anI’d had a comfortable home, well-inten- other city to pick up my car, then deal with tioned parents, family vacations, nice traffic driving home, eat dinner, and still clothes, and never short of food. There had have enough time to post the signs for the also been a couple of times in my life when meeting before 6:45 p.m. I should have died, but the miraculous ap- I walked out of my employer’s office pearance of another person saved me. In building at 5:00 p.m., pausing to help a one case a stranger rescued me from com- struggling delivery driver balance a teeter20
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one seat open for me. Once in my car, traffic was light, and I made it home 15 minutes earlier than expected. Who am I to say there is no God? For me, these things have become evidence of God. I thank God that I maintain a weight loss of 135 pounds and, at age 58, hear from my doctor that I am healthier than most of the 28-year-olds he sees. My God may not look like anyone else’s, but I feel surrounded by evidence that God exists. Wendy B., California, US
JUDY H., MA
ing pile of small packages. I said, “God, if you mean for me to take a bus to the station, bring me a bus.” Within seconds, a bus pulled up behind me, just as I was preparing to walk past the bus stop! When we got to the station, I didn’t push and shove my way down the stairs, but took a leisurely pace, and as I arrived at the platform, there was a train already there. It was the one to my destination and I didn’t have to wait. Though crowded with apparent standing room only, I saw that there was
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Desperation
I
felt trapped. I was obese and had low selfesteem, and I didn’t know what to do about it. I did crazy things around food and exercise. I came home after work each day and ate until midnight. I used to kid myself that I wasn’t eating badly because I ate healthy foods. But I was a quantities man. I used to have big quantities of dairy, protein, and dips. I was addicted to food. If I was bored, stressed. or lonely, food was a comfort. I lost about 55 pounds through a counting app that my personal trainer recommended and got to 209 pounds. I liked the accountability I received from him. However, when he left the gym to start a new job, I was discouraged, and I gave up on the app. I put all the weight back on and then some. I ended up at 269 pounds. I wanted to blame everyone else. I told myself it was the fault of the mental health medications. I was also in denial about being obese. I convinced myself that I carried the weight well because I am 6 feet, 2 inches tall. I embarked on numerous physical activity ventures to lose weight. Not only did I go to the gym, I also rode an exercise bike. But still, it made no difference. When my weight increased, I took up walking in a desperate attempt to stop the weight gain. Walking made no difference. I 22
racked my brain as to what else I could do to stop gaining weight. It never occurred to me that the huge quantities of food I consumed were to blame. I was getting desperate, and I resigned myself to the fact that I would be obese for the rest of my life. I believed that I had tried everything, and I didn’t know what else to do. I decided to turn to the one who had never let me down. I turned to God. I submitted a prayer request online to my church. A few months later I met an FA member from my church who introduced me to the program, and she became my first sponsor. I was so grateful to God for answering my prayers. There have been challenges along the way. When my first sponsor and other local members left to attend a conference, I felt discouraged, and broke my abstinence. I found a second sponsor and I took the program a lot more seriously after that. There have been big changes in me because of FA. I’ve lost 97 pounds, and my debilitating sleep apnea has gone away. I am very grateful that my migraine headaches have gone away, too. I feel a lot better and am learning about myself and God. It feels good to become a calmer, more thoughtful, less selfish person. John H., NSW, Australia January/February 2024
No Matter What
Recovery First
A
were enough. Every tool, every day, no matter what. A stronger foundation also meant putting my recovery first, family second, and work third. Previously, I’d gotten my priorities mixed up, putting work first, family second, and recovery third. Using the tools and receiving strength from my Higher Power, I made the decision to let go of my stressful job. I trusted that God would bring me a new job, one that would support my recovery. I also acknowledged that frequent visits across the globe had damaged the foundation of my recovery and had to stop. Newly abstinent, with my disease shouting at me to be with my mum, I instead went to my Higher Power. Remembering to keep “first things first,” I weighed and measured my food, mindful that my mum had her own Higher Power. One night while eating dinner, I received a call telling me my mum was at the end of her life. Again, putting recovery first, I told my family I would call back in five minutes. This allowed me to finish my abstinent meal and go to God. I returned the call, told Mum I loved her, and that she was a good mum. Ten minutes later, she passed away. Again, I got to put my recovery first because my committed
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fter five and a half years of abstinence in FA, I reached a new bottom and had a break. To go back to Day 1 was a devastating and humbling experience. It was, however, a God-given opportunity for me to reflect on my life in recovery and see what I could change. At that pivotal point, I had been in a leadership position at work for 11 years. I worked in a challenging and crisis-driven field. Although for years God had been gently showing me that this job did not support my recovery, I’d been too afraid and too driven by self-will to change. At the same time, my mum was very sick. I lived on the other side of the world from her and prior to my break, had traveled there four times in less than a year, trying to manage the crises in her life as well. All this happened while I was an active FA member. After my break, I had to step down from FA service, which felt like a humiliation. But I eventually began to enjoy the privilege of being a newcomer. I started building a stronger foundation for my recovery. Following my break, I said, “God, I will do anything to get well.” This meant using all my tools every day, with no justification that two calls
Twelve Steps meeting started in 20 minutes. I attended that meeting as well as my other committed meeting the next morning. In preparation for my international flight to be with family, I shopped for groceries and prepared abstinent meals for 27 hours of traveling. I secured a temporary sponsor and bought a SIM card for my phone that worked in that part of the world. While home with family for two weeks, I continued to put my recovery first. I took my quiet time, attended meetings, made calls, did writing, and weighed and measured meals—every tool every day. Because of these actions, I was able to connect with my family. I could listen, accept, show love, and not try to control or change them. None of this would have been possible had I not been abstinent. I returned home and started a new job. I believe that my Higher Power hand-picked this position, as this job not only allows me to put my recovery first but helps me grow into the person that I believe God wants me to be. I recently read a portion in the Big Book that reminded me that when I put my recovery first, everything I put second will be first class. I believe that. I know that if I keep practicing every tool every day and putting my recovery first, I will continue to be abstinent and will have a better life than I could have dreamt possible. Anne B., Australia 24
1. We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to food addicts and to practice these principles in all our affairs. 23 January/February 2024 Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous
Notable & Quotable
Notable & Quotable The WSI connection Committee is excited to announce a new column titled “Notable & Quotable.” The recent connection survey revealed that many FA members want the magazine to be more fun and engaging, offering more variety. We are introducing this new column, with a light-hearted series of themes and topics, to meet that goal. This new column offers more interaction and opportunities for contributions from our active and diverse fellowship. Each column will feature tips and advice on a specific topic or theme. Here are just a few examples: • Interested in what some of those FA acronyms stand for? WAIT Why Am I Talking? • Want some tips about traveling? If you need to bring food on an airplane and want to avoid having your ice pack confiscated by airport security, use frozen vegetables to keep food cool. Wrapping the meal in foil helps food stay colder for longer. • Trying to date in recovery? In FA I learned that relationships are like a pyramid. The spiritual connection is the wide foundation, the emotional connection is the middle, and the physical connection is the tip. If you turn it upside down and make the physical connection the foundation, the whole thing topples over. Look for these and other tidbits in our new column, “Notable and Quotable,” as well as information about how to contribute. It’s your turn! Please send your insights, thoughts, and other tidbits about dating or romance in recovery. We’ll compile your tips or advice and publish them in a future column. Email your comments to articles@foodaddicts.org. Please add “NQ” in the subject line, and be sure to include your name, location, and contact information. connection
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
