April 2024: Progress Not Perfection

Tr ue to Myself

Wi l l i a m S h a k e s p e a re w ro te , “ To thine ow n self b e t r ue, ” but this wa s an impossibi l it y for me since I had no i de a w ho my “self ” w a s . I w a s c o m p l e te l y b l i n d to my f o o d add iction, among other negati ve tra it s. I’d re p e a te d t h e s a m e e x p e r i m e n t o f e a t i n g “just one ” dozens of times throug hout my l i f e , a l w a y s w i t h t h e s a m e re s u l t n o t b eing able to stop a nd feel ing l i ke a n absol ute f a i l ure. Dr i ven by fe a r, I resembled t h e d e f i n i t i o n o f i n s a n i t y b y d o i n g t h e s a m e t h i n g b u t e x p e c t i n g a d i f f e re n t result in ever y area of my l ife, especia l l y w ith fo o d. The loss of self-wor th, rel ati onshi ps w i t h g o o d p e o p l e , m a te r i a l p o s s e s s i o n s , and , e ventua l l y, my hea lth were the results o f my i n s a n e w a y o f l i v i n g . Th e i ro ny i s that I w a s in such deni a l I could n ’ t see my ow n self-dest r ucti on, let a lone cha nge it. Instead , I bec ame a ma ster at w ays to minimize, deny, rati ona l ize, a nd justi f y my b eh a v i o r. Th e m o s t i n s i d i o u s f o r m o f my deni a l w a s that I w a sn ’ t e ven aw a re of my tendenc y tow a rd s “f i g ht or f l i g ht.” My a l lo r -n o t h i n g t h i n k i n g , n e g a t i v i t y, a n d e xt reme b ehav i ors stemmed f rom choi ces I made w ithout know ing w hy I made them.

For most of my l i fe, I d i d n ’ t know w here or how I f it in. Hav ing b een immersed in s h a m e a n d s e c re c y a t a n e a r l y a g e a n d l a c k i n g b a s i c s u r v i v a l s k i l l s , I re s o r te d to l y i n g , i s o l at i o n, a n d e at i n g to s q u a s h my thoug ht s a nd emoti ons. At a ge 13, I w a s a p u d g y e i g h t h g r a d er a n d t r i e d my f i r s t attempt at d i eting . As I de velop ed cur ves l ater in my teens, at 5 feet, 9 inches ta l l , my a v e r a g e w e i g h t w a s 1 3 5 p o u n d s , s o I lo oked norma l. Throug hout much of my y o u n g a d u l t y e a r s , I b e c a m e c o m p l e te l y o u t o f to u c h w i t h my t r u e f e e l i n g s a n d lost a l l sense of self. L ater, my a mbiti on to s u c c e e d a t s o m e t h i n g , a ny t h i n g , f u e l e d w i t h a n i n o rd i n a te a m o u n t o f f l o u r a n d s u g a r f o o d s , w a s a d r i v i n g f o rc e a t w o r k a n d i n c o l l e g e . By t h e t i m e I w a s 3 5 , I ’d re a c h e d my to p we i g h t o f 2 6 8 p o u n d s. I w a s in an abusi ve marria ge, miserable, and t h o ro u g h l y d i s g u s te d w i t h my s e l f. My thinking at the time w a s that if I could just l o s e w e i g h t , my l i f e w o u l d m a g i c a l l y b e p e r f e c t . I t r i e d a s e r i e s o f d i e t s a n d p a i d for wei g ht loss schemes, a s wel l a s joining g y ms, jo g g ing , a nd other wei g ht cont rol p ro g r a m s . B u t I a l w a y s re t u r n e d to t h e fo o d. Lucki l y, tha nks to a f r i end at wor k,

I l a n d e d i n a Tw e l v e- S te p p ro g r a m f o r c o m p u l s i v e o v e re a t i n g t w o y e a r s b e f o re my for ti eth bir thd ay a nd b ega n to understa nd how out of cont rol I w a s w ith fo o d. Howe ver, my wor k in that pro g ra m w a s a te s t a m e n t to t h e s a y i n g , “ Ha l f m e a s u re s ava i led us nothing.” Even thoug h that prog r a m h e l p e d m e re a c h my w e i g h t g o a l a n d m a i n t a i n i t f o r f i v e y e a r s , I w a s b a c k in the fo o d b efore a ge 45.

A f te r 1 3 y e a r s o f re l a p s e , I w a s o n c e a g a i n to t a l l y d i s g us te d w i t h my i n a b i l i t y to stop bingeing on f lour a nd suga r pro duct s, a nd I wei g hed over 200 p ound s. My he a l th had decl ined , a nd I had exc r uci ati n g c h ro n i c b a c k p a i n , h i g h c h o l e s te ro l , a n d hy p e r te n s i o n t h a t re q u i re d m e d i c at i o n My s av i n g g r a ce w a s t h at I rem emb e re d my p re v i o u s s u c c e s s i n a Twel ve-Step fo o d pro g ra m, a nd I desp eratel y soug ht to f ind such a prog ram a ga in I w a s d i re c te d to a n FA m e e t i n g b y a f r i end in recover y w ith the w a rning that I needed to b e “ ser i ous ” b ec ause “the y don’t p l ay. ” W h en I f i r s t w a l k e d i n to t h e f i l l e d c l a s s ro o m , t h e m e e t i n g h a d a l re a d y sta r ted , a nd I s at in the b ack S omehow, I k n e w I w a s i n t h e r i g h t p l a c e . Th e w e lcome and w armth I felt that d ay l if ted me, a nd at the next meeting , I got a sp onsor S o b e g a n my FA j o u r n e y o f d i s c o v e r y into myself, my add i cti on, a nd my Hi g her Power It ha s been a journe y w roug ht w ith

miracles on many levels. The Twelve Steps a nd FA to ol s have prov i ded me w ith the s u r v i v a l s k i l l s I n e e d e d b u t d i d n o t h av e p r i o r to t h e p ro g r a m . We i g h i n g a n d me a sur ing my fo o d hel p ed me le a rn how to s et b o u n d a r i e s , p r a c t i ce s e l f - c a re , a n d m a i n t a i n a n o r m a l - s i z e d b o d y. In q u i e t t i m e , I f o u n d my Hi g h e r Po w e r a n d g a i n e d a c l o s e re l a t i o n s h i p b y m a k i n g “ co ns c i o us co n t a c t ” i n d a i l y p r ay er. Th at rel ati onshi p ha s led me to a deep er spir it u a l p r a c t i ce t h at co m p l em en t s a n d s u pp o r t s my s p i r i t u a l te a c h i n g s . Pr a c t i c i n g Twel ve-Step pr inci ples w ith my FA to ol s of abstinence, g ratitude, a nd ser v i ce g i ves m e c l a r i t y a n d t h e o p p o r t u n i t y to h a v e d i s c i p l i n e a n d i n te g r i t y i n my d a i l y l i f e . Wor king w ith my sp onsor, I le a rned how to b e honest. Stud y ing the Twel ve Steps, re ad ing FA l iterature, a nd w r iting hel p ed m e l e a r n a b o u t a n d a c c e p t my s e l f m o re f u l l y, l e t g o o f re s e n t m e n t s , a n d a m e n d d a ma ges f rom p a st rel ati onshi p missteps. O n e o f t h e g re a te s t g i f t s I ’ v e re c e i v e d f rom FA is the fel lowshi p of p eople f rom a l l w a l ks of l ife w ith w hom I have so much i n c o m m o n a n d w h o s h a re t h e s a m e e xp er i ence of b ecoming the p erson that my Hi g her Power intend s for me, one d ay at a t i m e No n e o f w h at I d o i s p er f e c t , b u t my l i fe in recover y is pro of that “practi ce ma kes pro g ress. ”

Yaci ne W , Califor nia, US

e Change

As a child of Holocaust sur vivors from Poland, I was exposed to quite a bit of emphasis on food growing up. Our refrigerator was always packed front to back, full of all kinds of food. My parents had lived through six years in a ghetto and a concentration camp with little to no food at all, o en experiencing star vation. eir obsession with food was ver y strong.

I had always been a thin child and never felt the urge to “live to eat. ” I only liked certain foods and was ver y fussy. I was a plain eater. My parents took me to doctors to nd out what was wrong with me. e doctors told my mom just to let me eat what I wanted, and I'd develop an appetite later.

I ate normally through adulthood until things changed at about age 45, and I became pre-menopausal. Apparently, sometimes taste buds are enhanced because of the “change of life,” and the transformation of my appetite was shocking! Ever ything tasted so much better. I didn’t eat many new things, but ever ything I liked, I ate even more.

I had always been told I resembled my paternal grandmother, and I became an even more enhanced version by putting weight on and becoming a de nitive pear shape. My time was spent covering this part of my body with jackets, vests, and larger shirts. Nothing

felt comfortable, but boy, did I trick ever yone, except those close to me.

A er I reached my sixties, I became pre-diabetic. By this time, my son was into healthy foods, outdoor activities, and clean food. He talked with me about meditation, breathing, and releasing resentment. Was he ever right!

ese all turned out to be the things I would come to practice a er I joined FA.

I have had signi cant growth under the guidance of my sponsor and have learned so much from listening to fellows in my meetings and during phone calls. I only know FA through virtual online meetings, and for now, it suits me. I enjoy meeting people from all over the world and gaining new and di erent perspectives. Ever yone has something to add to my growth and understanding of the physical, mental, and spiritual parts of life. Losing weight is a bonus.

ough the start in FA was complicated and over whelming, I decided to slow down and take it “ one day at a time,” which worked.

I am grateful for writing about gratitude, letting go of perfection, losing weight, and, most importantly, getting my health back in order. On top of it, I have made many new friends and acquaintances, and I have the feeling of a global bond.

Sarah S., Canada

No, ank You

My mom always asks me the same question, “Do you want some of this?” I always think, A er all these years in FA ( ve), don’t you know I don’t eat our or sugar? But I simply tell her, “No, thank you, Mom.”

In the FA program, I have learned to pause instead of getting angr y. Instead of explaining to my family, friends, or co-workers why I don’t eat our, sugar, or quantities, I say nothing. I remind myself that when I made the decision to live the Twelve Steps, I decided to live in recover y. But others my family, friends, or co-workers do not think about recover y. ey hardly even think about food the way I used to before nding recover y.

In food addiction, I lost myself. I had no sense of my own identit y or values. I was one who only lived to please others. I didn’t care about myself. My identit y was lost in plates, bags, and boxes of food.

A er studying the Twelve Steps in sequence for the third time, I am learning to live based on what I want and what I value. I no longer need people to like me; I just want my Higher Power to like me. So, when people ask me for something I can ’ t or don’t want to do for them, I reply with one word: No. Telling my family, friends, or co-workers no was the hardest thing for me. I thought I

would die if I said that little word, but I didn’t die. I grew stronger, more courageous, and more con dent in who I am as another human being on the planet who is worthy of dignit y.

Ever y day, I make the decision not to eat addictively, and it is my decision, even if ever yone else eats or o ers me something that is not my food. I am no longer the victim of my addiction. Now, I can tell my mom and anyone else in my life that I am not going to eat those things o ered to me. And I can tell them in a calm and loving way, but also in a direct and honest way. at is my recover y; taking care of myself, honoring my choices, and allowing others to make their choices for their lives. I don’t tr y to control people. ey have their own paths in life. I am no one ’ s Higher Power.

Most people don’t want to know about my eating plan or even my program, which has helped me so much. So, when someone asks me if I want to eat something outside of my eating plan, I simply tell them, with a warm smile, “No thanks.” ese t wo simple words come from ve years of using my FA tools and the Twelve Steps on a daily basis. Maybe people don’t understand the seriousness of these t wo little words, but I do.

Sher yn N., California, US

No, Grac ia s

Mi m a d re s i em p re m e h a ce l a m i s m a p r e g u n t a : ¿ Q u i e r e s u n p o q u i to d e e s to ? S i emp re m e d i g o : “D e s p ué s d e t a n t o s a ñ o s e n el p r o g ra m a d e FA (c i n c o) , ¿ n o s a b e s q u e n o c o m o h a r i n a n i a z ú c a r ? ” Pe r o, s i m p l em en te l e d i g o, “ No, g r a c i a s , Ma m á . ”

En el pro g ra ma de FA , e s to y a p r e n d ie n d o a c a l l a r m e e n v e z d e e n o j a r m e . Me c a l l o e n v e z d e e x p l i c a r a m i f am i l i a , a m i s a m i g o s , o a mis comp a ñeros d e t r a b a j o p o r q u é n o c o m o h a r i n a , a zúc ar, o c anti d ades s i n n ú m e r o. R ecuerdo que yo tomé l a d e c i s i ó n d e v i v i r los Do ce Pa sos; yo deci d í a v i v ir en l a rec u p e r a c i ó n . Pe ro l o s d e m á s - - l o s d e m i f a m i l i a , d e m i s a m i g o s , o d e m i s c o mp a ñ ero s d e t r a b a j o - -n o p i ens a n en l a rec u p er a c i ó n. Lo s q u e n o s o n a d i c to s a l a c o m i d a c a s i n o p i e n s a n e n l a c o m i d a co m o y o s o l í a h a cer a n te s d e en co n t r a r l a re c u p er a c i ó n.

a mi misma . No tení a ning una forma de m i p r o p i a i d e n t i d a d n i d e m i s p r o p i o s v a l o re s. Yo er a u n a q u e s o l a m en te v i v í a p a r a a g r a d a r a l o s d em á s. Yo n o m e i mp o r t a b a . M i i d e n t i d a d f u e p e r d i d a e n p l a to s d e c o m i d a , b o l s a s d e c o m i d a , y c a j a s d e co m i d a .

Cada día, tomo la decisión de no comer adictivamente y es la decisión mía, aunque todo el mundo coma o me o ezca algo que no sea mi comida. Ya no soy la víctima de mi adicción.

En m i a d i cc i ó n a l a co m i d a , m e p erd í

Después de estud i a r l o s D o c e Pa s o s p o r te r c e r a ve z , estoy aprend ie n d o a v i v i r b a s a d o e n l o q u e q u i e r o y o, y e n l o q u e v a l g o y o. Ya n o n e c e s i to a g r a d a r l e a l a g e n te ; n a d a m á s , q u i ero a g r a d a r l e a m i Po d e r S u p er i o r. Po r e s o, c u a n d o l a g e n te m e p i d e a l g o q u e n o p u e d o o n o q u i e r o h a c e r, l e s d i g o u n a p a l a b r a s en c i l l a d e d o s l e t r a s : No. E s o f ue lo má s d if íci l para mí--decirle a mi fam i l i a , a m i s a m i g o s , o a m i s co m p a ñ ero s d e t r a b a j o q u e n o. Yo p e n s é q u e i b a a m o r i r s i l e s d i j er a e s a p a l a b r i t a , p ero n o m e m o r í ; m e p u s e m á s f u e r te , m á s s eg u r a d e m i m i s m a , m á s c o n f i d e n te e n

q u i en er a co m o o t ro s er h u m a n o q u e v a l e m u c h o en e l p l a n et a . C a d a d í a , to m o l a d e c i s i ó n d e n o c o m e r a d i c t i v a m e n te y e s l a d e c i s i ó n m í a , a u n q u e to d o e l m u n d o c o m a o me ofrezc a a l go que no sea mi comi d a . Ya n o s o y l a v í c t i m a d e m i a d i c c i ó n A h o r a , p u e d o d e c i r l e a m i m a m á , y a c u a l q u i er o t r a p er s o n a en m i v i d a , q u e n o v o y a co m er Y s e l o s p u e d o d e c i r e n u n a m a n e r a c a l m a d a y c a r i ñ o s a , p ero t a m b i én, en u n a m a n er a d i re c t a y h o n e s t a E s o e s m i r e c u p e r a c i ó n : c u i d a r m e a m i m i s m a , h o n r a r m i s p ro p i a s d e c i s i o n e s , y p er m i t i r q u e l o s d e m á s to m e n s u s p r o p i a s d e c i s i o n e s p a r a l a v i d a s uy a . No t r ato d e co n t rol a r a l a g e n te p o r q u e e l l o s t i e n e n s u p r o p i o c a m i n o e n l a v i d a No s o y e l Po d er Su p er i o r d e n a d i e en l a v i d a . L a m a y o r í a d e l a g e n te n o q u i e r e s a b er n a d a d e m i p l a n d e co m er n i aú n m i p r o g r a m a q u e m e h a a y u d a d o t a n to. E n to n c e s , c u a n d o a l g u i e n m e preg unta si qui ero comer a l go f uera de m i p l a n d e c o m e r ; s i m p l e m e n te l e s d i g o co n u n a s o n r i s a c á l i d a : “ No g r ac i a s ” E s t a s d o s p a l a b r a s s e n c i l l a s , v i en en d e c i n co a ñ o s d e us a r m i s Herr a m i e n t a s y l o s D o c e Pa s o s d i a r i am e n te Ta l v e z l a s p e r s o n a s n o en t i en d en l a s er i e d a d d e e s t a s d o s p a la b r i t a s , p ero, ¡ y o s í !

S h e r y n N , C a l i f o r nia , U S

Twelve Traditions

Our common welfare should come rst; personal recovery depends on FA unity.

For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority – a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern. The only requirement for FA membership is a desire to stop eating addictively.

Each group should be autonomous except in matters a ecting other groups or FA as a whole.

Each group has but one primary purpose –to carry its message to the food addict who still su ers.

An FA group ought never endorse, nance or lend the FA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.

Every FA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

FA, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues, hence the FA name ought never be drawn into public controversy. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and lms.

Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous

Hear ing the Musi c

Years ago, my sister and her husband took me in a er my boy friend dumped me, and I had been red from my job for drinking. My sister painted a bedroom in their house for me with clouds and decorated it beautif ul l y. I was, at that time, in full-blown food addiction. I was wild and had ver y little control over my eating. I’d tr y to eat only vegetables or not eat at all, but then I’d end up sneaking my sister’s kids’ food at night a er ever yone was asleep.

When my sister and her family moved to another state, they invited me to come along. I had no other prospects. I was drunk most

of the time during the long journey in the famil y van. I sat next to my niece and the cooler. I tried to make it look like I was being a dutif ul aunt, but I was just steadily eating out of the cooler and depleting their trip prov isions. I was worried the kids would say something, and I was concerned about how I would replace the food, but I couldn’t stop myself. At gas stations, we’d stop, and I’d buy l iquor and food and then sneak o to the bathroom to guzzle my booze and purge. I’m sure my bathroom v isits prolonged our travel time.

At some point, I ran out of money and had

to borrow some. I was ashamed, but I needed my drugs. At night, we slept in hotels, and I stayed with my niece. I took long “showers,” which meant that I ran the water so she wouldn’t hear me purging. en I’d leave my niece and go wandering around in the dark, looking for food, booze, or drugs. In the morning , I’d go dow n to the hotel’s free breakfast bu et, eat huge amounts of food, and sneak food out of the hotel.

When we reached the new state, my cond ition worsened. I le my room onl y to drink and look for drugs. I binged and purged all day and night and pretended to watch T V. I leached o my sister and her husband until they nal l y told me that I needed to get a job. en they told me that I needed to move out.

I got an apartment, but I lost the job because I was too high to show up. I lost my apartment my drug dealer boyfriend was going to win rent money at the casino and then I wound up in jail. I eventually landed in the mental hospital, where they gave me a diagnosis and started the ball rolling to get me disabilit y and housing.

Eventually, I was guided to FA. I was told that FA was a l ife-changing program, and that’s what I wanted. I had been suicidal for years and hated myself and ever ybody. I felt l ike I would rather d ie than go on getting sicker and sicker. I got a sponsor and read the AA Big Book repeatedly. I was terri ed of making phone calls, but I did them any way

and learned to love them. ey gave me the strength to get up and wash my dishes a er a meal. I laughed and cried and listened and talked on my calls. I no longer felt alone or hopeless. I learned to use the outreach calls for anything I was struggling with.

I hadn’t contacted my sister since I moved out four years ago. When I had been in FA for about t wo years, I reconnected with her and the rest of my family. A er I joined FA, many things in my l ife started to improve. Now I ow n and drive my ow n car, take classes, and have a good part-time job. My boss says I have a calming energ y and am dependable, adjectives that would never have been applied to me before. My debts arenally being repaid. I no longer write all over my arms or cut my hair just to show people how much I hate them. My clothes are clean. I am learning that if a coworker is moody, it’s not my fault. I don’t have to get moody, too. Today, I’m having one of those moments when I have to pinch myself. I’m thinking , Can this be real? Yesterday, my sister invited me to her daughter’s orchestra recital. at ’ s ama zing. My food add iction had trashed that relationship. I was ner vous. Where would I park? Should I ask her to save me a spot? Could I leave early? Is our relationship growing? R ather than barrage my sister with a million questions, I remembered that I had been g uided in FA to keep it simple. I’ve learned that if my food and tools are in order, then ever ything else will fall into place.

I arrived at the facilit y, and there was a huge crush of people. I got scared and remembered how hard it was for me to go to large events in the past. I felt like cr ying , but instead started talking to my higher power, as my sponsor always suggests. “Okay, God, I’m getting scared here, and I don’t know what’s going on. Can you just help me with my fear? And God, that snack counter over there? ank you, God, that’s not my food!”

Miraculousl y, I recognized my sister. We sat together, and it was amazing. I wasn ’ t sure how to act or what to say, so I just kept asking my higher power to guide me and show me how I could be of ser vice. I’m learning that the most important thing for me to do is to tr y to gure out what God wants me to do in the moment. Program teaches me to just take the next right action. No need to overthink. It works. General l y, it’s a lot simpler than I think it will be.

It is embarrassing to say, but I’m nal l y learning, at 37 years old, that it’s okay to let others be the stars. FA has taught me to enjoy the talents of others. I can support my niece at her performance rather than tr y to steal the limelight.

With my emotions alive and unsuppressed by the food, I was moved by the music, the obvious pride of the parents, and the sense of accompl ishment exhibited by the kids. None of this would have been possible for me without FA.

Anonymous

Twelve Steps

We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12.

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to food addicts and to practice these principles in all our a airs.

Embrac ing Contrad i cti on

Ih av e a g re at c a re er, f r i en d s h i p s , f a mi l y, a nd a l l the “stuff ” you ’ re supp osed to have. S o, the denia l that I am an add i c t r a n d e e p. It n e v e r o c c u r r e d to m e t h a t I c o u l d b e a n a d d i c t ; t h a t w a s f o r p e o p l e w h o h av e a d r i n k i n g o r d r u g p r o bl e m . Ho w c a n s o m e o n e b e a d d i c te d to f o o d? L o g i c s a i d t h a t w a s r i d i c u l o u s , a n d I p r i d e d my s e l f o n b e i n g a h i g h l y l o g i c a l p e r s o n . L o g i c a l s o d i c t a te d t h at my we i g h t p ro b l e m c o u l d b e s o l v e d w i t h m o d e r a t i o n i n m y e a t i n g . A f te r a l l , l o s i n g w e i g h t i s j u s t a m a t h e q u a t i o n , c a l o r i e s i n a n d c a l o r i e s o u t . It w a s a p a r a d ox t h a t I j u s t k e p t d o i n g t h e s a m e t h i n g s a n d e x p e c t i n g d i f f e r e n t r es u l t s. I w a s l i v i n g a n i ns a n e l i f e.

w e i g h t , I w a s f i n a l l y r e a d y to a d m i t I n e e d e d h e l p. I d i d n ’ t k n o w h o w to s to p h u r t i n g my s e l f. I j o i n e d FA i n 2 0 1 4 at t h e a g e o f 4 6 , we a r i n g a s i ze 2 2 o n a 5 - f o o t , 3inch f ra me. I w a s 267 p ound s, a nd I could s e e 3 0 0 p o u n d s c o mi n g . It te r r i f i e d m e. I d i s c o v e r e d t h a t t h i s p r og r a m i s f u l l o f p a r a d o x e s . T h e s e a r e t h e to p t h r e e I ’ v e e m b r a c e d i n m y m o r e t h a n s e v e n y e a r s o f a b s t i n en ce.

KELLY ANNE R , NY

A f te r t h r e e d e c a d e s o f b a t t l i n g m y

Fi r s t , t h i s i s t h e m o s t d i s c ip l i n e d f o o d p l a n I h a v e e v e r b e e n o n . I ’ v e t r i e d t h e m a l l , a n d i t g i v e s m e t h e m o s t f r e e d o m I ’ v e e v e r h a d . I u s e d to t h i n k t h at f re e d o m w a s e at i n g w h ate v er I w a n te d , w h en e v er I w a n te d . I l e a r n e d i n FA t h a t f r e e d o m i s t h r e e w e i g h e d a n d m e a s u r e d m e a l s , w i t h n o t h i n g i n b e -

t we en. W h en I a m i n c h a r g e o f c h o o s i n g a n d d e c i d i n g o n q u a n t i t i e s , I a l w ay s w a n t m o re. No t h av i n g t h e o p t i o n to e at f l o u r, s u g a r, o r i n d i v i d u a l b i n g e f o o d s i s s o m u c h e a s i e r f o r m e t h a n t r y i n g to h a v e jus t a l i t t l e.

S e co n d , t h e m o re I s u r ren d er, t h e m o re I g e t b a c k . T h i s b l e w m y m i n d . I a l w a y s t h o u g h t I h a d to co n t ro l t h i n g s a n d h o l d t h em t i g h t to m a k e s u re t h e y wo u l d t u r n o u t t h e w a y I w a n te d . I d i s c o v e r e d t h a t the more I let go a nd t u r n e d t h i n g s o v e r to my h i g h er p o wer, t h e m o r e t h i n g s t u r n e d o u t b e t te r t h a n I i m a g i n e d .

Third , l i fe happ ens. S o m e o f i t i s g r e a t , a nd some of it is b ad , a n d I c a n f i n d j o y e v e n w h e n b a d t h i n g s a r e h a p p e ni n g . R e m e m b e r i n g to b e g r a te f u l h a s b e e n l i f e - c h a n g i n g f o r m e . W h e n I w a s e a t i n g a d d i c t i v e l y, I c o u l d e x p e r i e n c e h a p p i n e s s b e c a u s e o f s o m e e x te r n a l a cc o m p l i s h m e n t o r m a te r i a l t h i n g . B u t m o s t l y, I w a s o v e rd r a m a t i z i n g t h e n e g at i v e s t u f f a n d f e e l i n g i n d i g n a n t o r d e v a st a te d . In FA , I g e t to e x p e r i e n c e t h e j o y t h at co m e s f ro m b e i n g co m f o r t a b l e w i t h m y s e l f. I h a v e t h e c l a r i t y to s e e a l l t h e a b u n d a n c e a n d b l e s s i n g s i n m y l i f e , r e -

It never occurred to me, through three decades of my weight loss journe y, that there could be a connection between food, my weight, and God.

g a rd l e s s o f e x ter n a l c i rc u ms t a n ce s. W h en I c a m e i n to FA , I h a d t h i s v a g u e n o t i o n o f t h e u n i v er s e b e i n g g re ater t h a n me, a nd I b el i e ved in ka rma . That w a s the e x te n t o f m y s p i r i t u a l p r a c t i c e . It n e v e r occurred to me, throug h three dec ades of my we i g h t l o s s j o u r n e y, t h at t h ere co u l d b e a c o n n e c t i o n b e t w e e n f o o d , m y we i g h t , a n d Go d . Th e b i g g e s t m i r a c l e b y f a r h a s b e e n d e v e l o p i n g a r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h m y h i g h e r p o w e r. My s p o n s o r h a s b een a n excepti ona l g u i d e o n t h i s j o u rn e y. I k n o w my p ers o n a l i t y h a s c h a n g e d , m y r e l at i o n s h i p s h a v e i mp r o v e d , a n d m y p e a c e a n d s e r e n i t y h a v e i n c r e a s e d a s my fa ith and tr ust in t h e G o d o f m y u nd e r s t a n d i n g g e t s t r o n g e r. T h a t i s a b s o l u te l y w h a t h a s m a d e t h e d i f f eren ce f o r m e , a n d a l l o we d m e to m a i n t a i n a 1 3 0 - p o u n d we i g h t l o s s. I co n t i n u e to b e w i l l i n g to d o a ny t h i n g t h a t i s n e e d e d f o r m y r e c o v e r y. T h i s i nc l u d e s e m b r a c i n g t h e s e p a r a d oxe s a n d t h i n g s I d o n ’ t n e c e s s a r i l y u n d e r s t a n d . I k n o w t h at o n e d ay at a t i m e i f I em b r a ce t h i s s o l u t i o n , I g e t to l i v e a s a n e , h a p p y, a n d us e f u l l i f e !

S u s i e L . , C a l i f o r nia , U S

Stay ing A oat

Vacations were not happy for me w hen I wa s eating. When I wa s a teenager on vacation, I was bingeing, purging, and struggling with my weight. Feelings of jealousy, criticism, and negativit y were with me daily, vacation or not. I was on a mission to deny that I had these negative feel ings, and no matter w hat, I wanted to “feel better.”

Before leav ing for a vacation day on the water, I was always too interested in what my parents packed in the cooler. e lunch that was prepared for me never felt like enough. I was resentf ul about the food and couldn’t wait to go to the dock towards the end of the day to buy a sweet treat. I thought about that treat all day long.

I was jealous of my brothers and other family members because they were thinner than I was and didn’t seem to care about how they looked. ey had fun with each other, while I was overly concerned with how many calories I had eaten that day. I couldn’t stop snacking. I got mad at myself for being obsessed about what I wanted to eat and how much weight I needed to lose from my thighs and stomach to be “hot” and get a boyfriend on my next vacation.

I spent time mentally criticizing couples at the beach. I would make up stories about

how they probabl y fought a lot, weren ’ t happy w ith each other, and d idn’t have money. I wanted the beachgoers to have miserable l ives. I felt empt y, alone, and scared of life, and I wanted ever yone family, friends, and strangers to sink as low as I felt.

e days at the beach ended with me lying in bed thinking w hat a horrible day it had been because I had eaten too much. Food haunted me a s I dri ed into a sugar- and our- lled sleep. Eating never took away my negative feelings about the world, but only made me feel more separate and alone.

I am now 31 and have been abstinent continuously in FA for almost six years. I am on vacation with my family. Today I saw a couple with a newborn baby by the water. I also sat by some older folks who were minding their grandchild. Although I was ver y happy to be with my mom, there were couples and families with kids all around. I had thoughts about food, and I felt empt y and di erent. I kept praying, but the feelings of inadequac y were persistent. I thought, W hen am I going to get married? I felt jealous of the couple with the baby. My negative thoughts drove me far from God and far from my mom.

I have learned that it only takes a few condent prayers and the right actions for the

program and my Higher Power to work for me. I prayed and practiced thanking God for all that I have: a right-sized body, a black bi kini, precious abstinence, honest y w ith myself, a commitment to an AWOL, a clear mind, hope, gratitude, and self-esteem.

I admitted to my mom some of the jealous feelings I was having. We talked about other things, which was a lovely distraction to get me out of my self-centered thinking. My hope wa s par tial l y restored w hen I said, “Someday,” in response to my mom w hi le talking about grandkids. It was fully restored when I conquered my fear, swam across the river, and oated e ortlessly on my back, just as I did before the weight of my food addiction took over my bod y, mind, and soul. I looked up and thanked God for not letting me miss this moment of being on vacation

at the beach with my mom.

I continued my growth process by leaving the beach when my mom had had enough, taking extra quiet time, reading my Twent yFour Hours a Day book, and cal l ing a dear fellow whose last words on the phone a er I admitted to feelings of wanting a husband now were, “Enjoy the beaut y of it.” I knew she meant to enjoy the beaut y of waiting. My whole life of disease was spent wanting food, money, drugs, a job, a car, a house at that moment

At the beach today, I understood deepl y that waiting is a part of my growth process. I have learned how to wait for my abstinent meals, and a few hours ago I waited for my ugly thoughts to pass and got to experience blissf ul thoughts while oating in the water. Anonymous

MERISSA

No Graduati on Day

Iwas always lled with over whelming ner vousness, doubt, and fear, which I blamed on being Cuban-born and living in the United States. I grew up feeling di erent from most of the American kids in my neighborhood. But my sense of feeling di erent went deeper than that. I also felt ver y di erent from ever yone in my family.

Of my four siblings, including my fraternal twin sister, I was the only fat one in my family. My t win and I both weighed approximately ve pounds each at birth, but ver y soon, I started to surpass her in weight. By the time we were in junior high school, I weighed 50 pounds more than my t win and wore a size 16, which was larger than what my mother wore. I knew I ate more than other members of my family. I just did not understand why. I started to sneak food at an early age. I also did my best to avoid family events and social engagements because I didn’t want to experience the humiliation of being compared to my siblings. By the time I entered high school, I was 5 feet, 4 inches tall and weighed almost 200 pounds. I felt like an outsider ever y where I went, and I tried to hide in crowds so I would not be teased about my weight.

When I was a junior in high school, I took a biolog y class, where I learned about the di-

gestive tract and how long it takes food to be digested. Soon a er taking this class, I started throwing up my food, and I su ered from bulimia for many years. I sought the help of psychologists and psychiatrists, but these were unsuccessful at arresting my bulimic habits. roughout those years, my sense of fear, ner vousness, and low self-esteem continued to grow, no matter how many successes I accumulated in other areas of my life, including completing a graduate degree and working as a successful white-collar professional.

I was introduced to this program through another food addict who I con ded in for

help to gain “control” over food. rough FA, I learned that surrendering (not controlling ) my food addiction was the key. I learned that my enormous level of fear, doubt, and insecurity caused me to binge and purge food as a way of coping with life. I found out that I was addicted to sugar and our.

I now have new, healthy coping skills. I surrender each day (sometimes many times throughout a day) to a power greater than myself that helps me implement the FA way of life. rough a structured way of eating, I have been able to live a joy- lled life without the need to binge and purge. Equally important is that by practicing the tools of this program, I live a life in which I am not paralyzed by fear or low self-esteem.

I learned the hard way that there is no graduation for me from the FA way of life. A er being in FA for a while, I picked up addictive eating habits again because I failed to remain spiritually t by vigorously working all the tools of this program. As a result, I gained back the almost 70 pounds I had lost. en, through the help of God and fellow FA members, I a gain found the willingness to surrender my food addiction.

Now I get up each morning knowing that whatever challenges life brings my way, with the help of FA and my Higher Power, I will make it through and thrive without hurting myself with food. I thank God that I am a food addict who found a way out of her miser y, thanks to FA.

Espy A., Washington DC, US

Ans wered Prayers

Ihave a chronic stomach cond ition that f lares up, par ticularl y in times of stress. It go es aw ay completel y for st retches of time, and then, bam, I go through a crisis w ith my kid, or have a ver y stressf ul couple o f d a y s at wo r k , a n d t h ere i t i s . W h en i t flares up, I must be ver y caref ul about what I e at , a n d re s t au r a n t s c a n b e p a r t i c u l a r l y d iff icult. Sometimes, a f ter e at i n g at a re s t au r a n t , I w i l l b e s i c k f o r a we e k . L a s t we e k , a f ter a c h a ll en g i n g t i m e f o r my c h i l d , I w a s o n t h e t a i l en d o f s e v er a l we e k s o f a b a d f l a reu p. A co u p l e w i t h w hom we had n ’ t socia l ized recentl y a sked us to join them at a restaurant for d inner. It w a s impor tant to my husband to go, and I d i d n ’ t w ant him to have to c a l l his fri end and s ay, “I’m sorr y, we c an ’ t come. My w i fe h a s a t u m my a c h e . ” I f e l t l i k e i t w a s t h e r i g ht thing to do to show up, but I d i d n ’ t w a n t my s to m a c h to g et wo r s e . S o, I d i d w h at I k n e w to d o. I g o t d o w n o n my k n e e s . I w a s v er y sp e c i f i c i n my p r a y er. I

s a i d , “Go d , p l e a s e h e l p m e to s h o w u p. I d o n ’ t w a n t to b o t h er my s to m a c h e v en m o re . Pl e a s e h e l p t h e re s t au r a n t h av e s o m et h i n g re a l l y c l e a n f o r m e to o rd er. ” And off we went.

I am so grateful to know that when I do what I know to be the right thing, I can always count on answered prayers.

We arrived at the restaurant, chatted with our friends, and looked at the menu. There were se vera l choi ces that would be f ine on a t y p i c a l d a y, b u t were a l i t t l e to o h e av y f o r my s en s it i v e s to m a c h . Bu t t h ere w a s a “f i s h o f t h e d a y ” t h at s a i d , “Ask the ser ver. ” The s er v er c a m e a n d to o k e v er y o n e ’ s o rd er. W h en h e g o t to me, I s a i d , “ What is the f ish of the d ay?” His ans wer? “It’s a rea l l y clean s wordf ish.” I g uess my specif icit y pray ing to my hig her p ower wor ked. My me a l c a me a nd it w a s no d i fferent than something I would have made at home, except I d idn’t have to cook it. I am so gratef ul to know that w hen I do w hat I know to be the rig ht thing , I c an a lw ays count on ans wered prayers.

Joanna S., Mar yl and , US

ANGIE R , NY

Mar ita l Sta ke

My husband and I bought a travel tra i ler and were lucky to ta ke ve camping trips last summer while our foster daughter was still with us.

Sitting around the camp re one night a er I’d put her to bed, we nally had some time to ourselves. I pul led out my computer to return emails and work on another article submission for Connection. He asked what I was writing about, so I read it to him along with several others I’d submitted. I told him

most of my ar ticles tended to be for the Lig hten Up column and that many were about him and our son because I get to see how di erently I think about food, even in recover y. When he asked if he gets residuals, I told him, “ You get half of whatever nancia l compensation I recei ve, w hich, of course, is nothing.” “However,” he says, “ you get serenit y from what you do. How do I get half of that?”

Angie R ., New York, US

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the di erence.