May 2024: Close to Home. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA)

If you have 90 days of continuous abstinence in FA, Connection invites you to share your experience, strength, and hope with us. E-mail submissions to articles@foodaddicts.org or art@foodaddicts.org

Con fronting Bul imia

About 12 years ago, I lost all control around food. As an American Sign Language interpreter, I interpreted for a deaf high school student in a home economics class. One day, all the students were making meals from di erent cultures, and I ate ever y thing , includ ing the gluten products, w hich I had avoided for more than 20 years My stomach hurt, and I threw up. A er this episode, if I became anxious over something or emotionally sad or trig gered, I would throw up. My stomach would get upset, and it would just happen; I didn’t force it.

During this time, I went to a family gathering and roomed with my sister. I threw up that night. I felt so embarrassed and humiliated. Maybe it wa s a blocked colon, I thought, and not an emotional upset. I got a colonoscopy, but nothing was found. I did an ultra sound, and nothing wa s found. Surel y, I am not bul imic! I am not forcing this to happen. How can that be? Denial is a sacred defense mechanism. It was mine for years. It works until it does not work, until I had enough.

In 2015, I was at work, and I could not eat all my lunch. I ate ver y little, in fact. On my

way home a er visiting a friend that evening, I went to the emergenc y room. I was admitted for a blocked colon. My small intestine was t wisted.

A er that, I remained abstinent from purging for three years without any TwelveStep program until a fateful day in 2018. Because of emotional upsets from several things that happened in the same week, I binged. I ate three sugar and our items and was ready for the fourth. I could not stop eating. I felt out of control. I began going down the emotional roller coaster. I purged. I got scared. I called someone in FA .

I had gone to a local FA meeting t wo years earlier, and I said, “Nothing doing. I am not going to do all that weighing and measuring and phone calls.” is time I was desperate. I felt out of control. Usually, when I binged, I was able to stop. But for the rst time, it was impossible. Eating and purging, I had gone beyond any control.

So, I decided to go to an FA meeting on the Monday before anksgiving in 2018. When I entered the meeting and heard the shares, I knew I was home. I had the gi of desperation. e third tradition states, “ e onl y requirement for FA membership is a

desire to stop eating add ictivel y. ” For me, when I stepped into the rooms this time, I knew I belonged

I found my sponsor that week and she happened to live in my hometown. She gave me a maintenance food plan since I was already at my appropriate weight, but it wa s too much food. I felt myself wanting to purge. I

talked with her about this, and we changed the amount of food I was eating. I was not used to those quantities at one time Before FA, sometimes I would restrict my eating. During recover y, when I felt anxious, I could feel the e ect on my colon, even if it wa s hours a er a meal. I went into fear of purging. An emotional upset would trigger me.

I would pray to keep abstinent. I would breathe and tell myself, “I am safe ”

For four years, I did my phone calls, quiet time, meetings, and other tools. I always had to pray to get the phone cal ls in because I tend to be an introvert. However, one day, I decided to let the tool of telephone slide. I just decided if I could get one phone call in, it would be okay. I did this for a week. And then it happened. I hit a new bottom.

I was at work, and I was beginning to feel nauseous with gas and bloating. e nausea wa s escalating. I have irritable bowel s y ndrome (IBS) When my ner ves get out of whack from emotions and stress, it exacerbates the IBS, w hich causes bloating and eventually purging I was scared I contacted my sponsor. She did not answer. I made another outreach cal l to an FA friend w ho ser ves as my temporar y sponsor when my sponsor is not avai lable. She said, “Get on your knees and pray. You are safe. Your Higher Power is with you ” When I got o the phone, my obsession and emotions continued to escalate. Feel ing the impulse to purge, I knew I was in big trouble How do I stop this possibilit y of purging? I did not want to break my abstinence. I had eaten my d inner t wo hours earl ier It wa s my emotions.

e strug gle continued bet ween the addiction and my healthy recover y I kept praying for help. Help me keep my abstinence. I was

losing it. I felt if I d id not do something quick, I’d purge

I called my rst sponsor from when I lived in Cal ifornia. I said, “I am in big trouble. I feel I am going to purge, and I am scared I don’t want to. ” Hearing her voice helped me to breathe. Her Higher Power was coming through when I could not reach mine My stomach began to calm down. My IBS was relaxing. She a greed to stay on the phone with me as long as I needed As I talked with her, I realized my bulimia is about a desire to purge emotions. She was by my side on the phone Feel ing her support, I relaxed, and the anxiet y lessened. I asked if she would stay on the phone with me until I got home. She did, and I thanked her with deep gratitude “

You are my angel tonight,” I said. “ You did this for me t wo weeks ago when I needed a friend,” she replied I remained abstinent

Today, I am diligent in making phone calls, and I continue to use my other tools. e phone calls, I realized, are a priorit y, as they keep me humble and gratef ul.

Until I could accept my bul imia , I could not stay abstinent Recover y has taught me that w hen I deal w ith feel ings, I tend to know myself and others much better. I no longer need to push my feelings down with food or purge them out. Bulimia is part of my addiction, and to know this about myself is humbling

Ful l Circ le

Why does one leave FA a er 20 years of abstinence? FA carr i ed me throug h some ver y hard times. is program saw me through 9/11 w hen I wor ked at the Wor ld Trade Center. A fe w years l ater, I dea l t w ith the deaths of three ver y close famil y members. My daughter was d ia gnosed with gastrointestina l c ancer at a ge 26. My sponsor w a s ama zing. She visited me in Ne w York from the Boston area to help organize med ic a l suppl i es that I needed for my d aug hter. I w a s ta ken c a re of. Sad l y, my d aug hter pa ssed t wo months l ater. Sti l l, I rema ined abstinent and committed to my recover y.

I moved to the suburbs r i g ht a er my daughter died. ere were too many memor i es of our l i ves to gether. Ab out t wo months later, I traveled to Austral ia to v isit w ith fel lows there. A ga in, I w a s c a rr i ed through a d i cult time.

When I returned f rom Aust ra l i a , I deci ded to le a rn to r i de a motorc ycle. My then-par tner had recentl y been in a cra sh, and it was at that time I became committed to rid ing my ow n bi ke. I wanted a sense of control, I suppose. I had the time of my life! It w a s just ab out the onl y time I w a sn ’ t over w hel med by the p a in of losing my daughter. I could lose myself on the road. I

made ma ny r i der f r i end s a nd had lot s of places to go and lots of places to eat. I maintained my abstinence for another six years.

A er a w hi le, I made the unfor tunate decisi on that I could e at l i ke my f r i end s. O en, we would meet at no on a nd not stop to eat until bet ween 2:00 and 4:00 pm. I carried my food w ith me, cer tain I could wor k my FA pro g ra m a nd sti l l ha ng around with my riding buddies. at lasted for a year. I stil l worked my tools, cal led my sp onsor, to ok qui et time, wei g hed a nd mea sured my food, and made phone cal ls ever y day. However, though I had been in FA for 19 ye a rs, I got some c ra z y noti on that I could l ive this recover y w ithout the usual suggested meal times. I didn’t want to b e d i erent. I w a nted to b e p a r t of the group, and if that meant lunch at 3:00 PM, so be it.

I continued to eat weighed and measured me a l s for ab out a ye a r. As I got co cky, I sta r ted e ating me a l repl acement b a rs. I kne w better, yet my motorc ycle rid ing bec a me more imp or ta nt tha n wor king my pro g ra m. It w a sn ’ t long b efore my e ating w a s out of control. I rema ined fa ithf ul to my r i d ing a nd ne w f r i end s but not to my recover y. I ate my w ay throug h the p a ndemi c a nd ga ined 30 p ound s in ab out

three years.

Just a er anksgiving last year, I realized my e at i n g w a s o u t o f co n t ro l . I w a s jus t end ing my rel ationship w ith the man w ho cra shed his bi ke three years earl ier. What a tox i c re l at i o ns h i p that w a s!

I c a l led a n FA memb er w h o I h a d k n o w n for many years, and my conversation went l i ke this. “ My l ife is unmana geable, and my eating is out of control.” I w a s at Step One. She didn’t h av e t i m e to sp o ns o r s o s h e re co m m en d e d someone w ho could. I committed to a phone c a l l se ven d ays a week, f o l l o we d a f o o d p l a n, re s u m e d a l l my to o l s , and joined an AWO L i m m e d i ate l y. A l re a d y k n o w i n g t h e i ns a n d outs of the program, it w a s e a s y f o r m e to ret u r n to FA a n d a l l t h e d i s c i p l i n e s t h at h a d worked so wel l for a l l those years.

ing , but a close rid ing friend told me that since I le FA, I wa s a d i erent person, and that she l i ked me better w hen I w a s abstinent.

e f e a r t h at I wo u l d b e w i t h o u t my friends completel y diss i p ate d . I re a l i ze d I d i d n ’ t n e e d m a ny a cqua intances, just a fe w re a l f r i en d s. e y wo u l d s u p p o r t m e i n my abstinence a nd respect my commitment to the FA program.

MARLEE D , CA

Fu n ny h o w t h at wo r k e d f o r m e. e v er y t h i n g t h at to o k me out w a s the fear of n o t b e i n g a b l e to r i d e and hang out w ith my friend s. e ver y thing that broug ht me back to t h i s p ro g r a m w a s t h o s e s a m e f r i en d s , e v en w i t h o u t my m otorc ycle.

In Jul y, I sold my motorc ycle, g i v ing up t h e v er y p l e a s u r a b l e a c t i v i t y t h at c a r r i e d me for so long. I was afraid I would lose the fri end s I made during my 11 years of ri d-

My b i k e a n d b i k er b u d d i e s were t h e b i g g e s t co n t r i b u t i n g factors to my decision to leave FA . Letting go of my bi ke and the friend ships w ith my b i k er b u d d i e s i s w h at b ro u g h t m e b a c k . I’ve come f ul l circle.

Roe B., New Jerse y, US

e Coura ge to Date

Iw a s in FA for se ven ye a rs b efore I w a s w i l l i n g to d ate at a l e v e l h i g h er t h a n meeting up for a w a l k or coffee. I had seen se vera l FA fel lows bre a k or le ave FA a l to gether w hen the y sta r ted in rel ati ons h i p s . L o o k i n g b a c k , I h a d k n o w n e v e n m o re f e l l o w s w h o s u c c e s s f u l l y d ated and star ted re l a t i o n s h i p s a bs t i n e n t l y. Ho we v e r, I d i s m i s s e d t h o s e s to r i e s i n f a v o r o f my s u bc o n s c i o u s f e a r a n d d i s t r u s t o f men in genera l.

In a d d i t i o n to b eing a n isol ator, I w a s a m a s ter f u l a v o i d e r. It i s n ’ t l i ke I could avoi d a l l of l i fe’s hard , sc ar y, or c h a l l e n g i n g t i m e s i n t h o s e f i r s t s e v e n ye a rs of abstinence. I had rema ined abstin e n t t h ro u g h a l l t h o s e h a rd s h i p s , b u t I o p te d to s h u n d a t i n g a l to g e t h e r d e s p i te completing mul ti ple AWO Ls a nd g rowi n g s i g n i f i c a n t l y i n my s p i r i t u a l c o n n e cti on.

s t a r te d g o i n g to i n - p er s o n A A m e et i n g s a n d m et a g en t l em a n w h o i nv i te d m e to coffee. It wa s just coffee, so I accepted. We excha nged phone numb ers, a nd he c a l led (d i d n ’ t do the usua l texting ) se vera l times l e a d i n g u p to o u r c o f f e e d a te , a n d w e e n d e d u p t a l k i n g f o r a f e w h o u r s d u r i n g t h e d a te . S i n c e w e m e t i n t h e ro o m s o f rec o v e r y, w e s p o k e o p e n l y o f o u r rec o v e r y j o u r n e y s , a s w e b o t h h a d exp er i enced multi ple add i cti ons. L a te r t h a t e vening , he c a l led a nd inv ited me to A A’s Gr a t i t u d e Ba nquet. I immed i atel y w a nted to s ay no a s this w a s t y pi c a l l y my cue to ex it, but I re m e m b e r my s p o n s o r e n c o u r a g i n g m e to pray for the w i l l ing ness to b e w i l l ing to d a te a g a i n . I d o n ’ t t h i n k I e v e r a c t u a l l y

p r a y e d t h a t p r a y e r, b u t i n s te a d o f s a y i n g n o, I s a i d I h a d to c h e c k my c a l e n d a r. I

f r a n t i c a l l y c a l l e d my s p o n s o r to g e t h e r

Ev e n t u a l l y I m o v e d to a n e w c i t y a n d

g u i d a n c e o n w h a t to d o. I k n e w I re a l l y

VICTORIA D , VT

d id need to stop r unning and hid ing ever y t i m e t h i n g s g o t u n c o m f o r t a b l e a ro u n d men.

My sp onsor s a i d that i f this ma n w a nted to d ate m e , h e w a s g o i n g to h av e to d ate my fo o d pl a n, a nd the so oner he re a l ized t h a t , t h e b e t ter. S h e a s s u re d m e t h a t t h e w o r s t - c a s e s c e n a r i o w a s t h a t i f h e c h a llenged my abstinence in a ny w ay, it would b e my cue that he w a s not a go o d f it, a nd I h a d h e r a p p ro v a l to c u t a n d r u n . S h e gave me the conf i dence to f ace the fe a r of a t l e a s t t r y i n g to c o o rd i n a te a d a te t h a t would incl ude fo o d I w a s sure would not b e in my me a l pl a n.

I c a l led him back and s a i d that I w a s free t h a t e v e n i n g b u t t h a t I d i d n ’ t t h i n k t h e fo o d would meet my need s. He nonchal a n t l y re p l i e d , “O h , w e c a n ju s t s h o w u p f o r t h e sp e a k er s t h en . Th e f o o d i s n e v er a ny g o o d a ny w a y. ” We m e t a t my h o u s e a n d h a d a n a b s t i n e n t m e a l to g e t h e r b efore going to the Gratitude Ba nquet.

O u r f i r s t m e a l to g e t h e r d i d n o t g o s e a m l e s s l y. In a b o u t o f e xc i te m e n t , h i s d o g ju m p e d u p a n d sn a g g e d a m o u t h f u l o f c o o k e d v e g e t a b l e s o f f my p l a te a n d then spit it out w hen he rea l ized it w a s not the t y p e of fo o d he w a s used to. I si lentl y rem i n d e d my s e l f t h at l e s s w a s m o re. B ec ause we d i d not attend the me a l p or ti on o f t h e b a n q u et , we h a d to s i t o n u n co mfor table se ating in the b ack. My d ate w a s d i s a p p o i n te d t h a t h e m i s s e d o u t o n t h e

d e s s e r t t a b l e s i n c e w e d i d n o t h a v e t h e me a l-opti on ti cket s.

A l l a n d a l l , w e h a d a n i c e en o u g h t i m e for him to a sk me out a ga in a nd for me to a c c e p t . Th e f o l l o w i n g y e a r w e w e re s t i l l to g e t h e r. Th i s t i m e , I f o u n d t h e f l i e r to t h e Gr a t i t u d e B a n q u e t t h a t l i s te d t h e m en u, a n d i t l o o k e d l i k e t h ere wo u l d b e food I could eat. We purcha sed mea l ticke t s a n d a t te n d e d t h e f u l l b a n q u e t . A lt h o u g h t h e f o o d w a s a b s t i n e n t , t h e p or ti ons were sma l l. Once a ga in, I got to s i l e n t l y re m i n d my s e l f t h a t l e s s i s m o re a n d b e a s s u re d n o o n e s t a r v e d to d e a t h

bet ween meals. My date wa s d isappointed

i n t h e m e a l b u t g r a te f u l f o r t h e d e s s e r t t a b l e . I w a s g r a te f u l to b e a b s t i n e n t a n d n o t f e e l h u n g r y e v en i f my b r a i n w a n te d to protest at the minute a mount s of fo o d.

O u r re l a t i o n s h i p h a s n ’ t b e e n a l l k i s s y e m o j i s a n d ro s e s . In f o u r y e a r s , w e h a v e d e a l t w i t h m u l t i p l e m e d i c a l a n d e m ot i o n a l i s s u e s . A s t w o “ m i l i t a n t l y ” s i n g l e and independent ind i v idua l s, we have had to l e a r n to b e a c o u p l e . A s t w o s e l f - c e ntered add i ct s, we had to le a rn to think of e ach other. For me, I continue to le a rn to s t a y i n t h e re l a t i o n s h i p a n d n o t r u n a n d hi de w hene ver it get s uncomfor table a nd hard. I learned that I could set bound ari es a nd have those b ound a r i es b e resp ected. I a l s o l e a r n e d t h a t i f s o m e o n e w a n t s to d ate me, the y have to d ate my fo o d pl a n. Kare n W , Wash i ng t on, US

“

ILess is More

l o v e my u n e v e n t f u l l i f e ” i s a f a-

v o r i te s t a te m e n t o f m i n e i n FA

My l i fe is not b or ing or l imited in a ny w ay, b u t o v er t h e l a s t 2 5 y e a r s , a b s t in e n c e h a s n e a r l y e l i m i n a te d t h e d r a m a that constantl y surrounded me. Thoug h I no longer create drama in recover y, somet i m e s t h i n g s d o h a p p e n , a n d I ’ m b e t te r prep a red to ma na ge them w hen the y do.

One morning , I sta r ted w ith qui et time a s u s u a l b u t h u n g u p e a r l y f ro m my f i r s t s p o n s e e c a l l b e c a u s e I k e p t g e t t i n g d i st racted by noises out si de. It sounded l i ke my husband was leav ing much earl ier than e x p e c te d . We h a d a f o s te r c h i l d a t t h a t t i m e , a n d h e w o u l d n ’ t h av e l e f t w i t h o u t

ta l king to me about getting her to school. The noises turned out to b e a ma n t r y ing to ste a l my husb a nd’s c a r!

I told my husb a nd a nd then c a l led 911. My husb a nd ra n out, pul led the c a r do or o p e n , a n d s t a r te d y e l l i n g a t t h e m a n to le ave. I don’t know w hat the ma n w a s on, but he w a s f l i pping out in the c a r a nd w a s so hi g h that he could n ’ t f i g ure out how to put the c ar in gear. I w a s sti l l on the phone w ith 911, w a iting for a sher i ff ’ s c a r to resp ond , w hen the ma n put the c a r in d r i ve rather tha n re verse a nd ra n my husb a nd’s c ar into our house, hitting the w a l l behind t h e ro o m w h e re I s i t f o r q u i e t t i m e . My h u s b a n d w a s v i d e o re c o rd i n g t h e e n t i re

i n c i d e n t , d e s p i te my re p e a te d re q u e s t s that he come b ack into the house.

Af ter a l l the sher i ff s a nd t ro op ers lef t, I to l d my h u s b a n d I w a n te d to s e e t h e v ideo. I hadn’t been able to see much from my sp o t i ns i d e a n d I w a s c u r i o us. I m enti oned this se vera l times in the fol low ing d a y s b u t n e v e r m a d e a p o i n t o f g e t t i n g h o l d o f h i s p h o n e . I t h o u g h t I ju s t k e p t f o r g e t t i n g , b u t i t f i n a l l y c a m e to m e know ing myself a nd how e a si l y I c a n pi ck up fe a r in my usua l l y und ra mati c l i fe, w hy wo u l d I e v er w a n t to l o o k at t h at v i d e o ?

The situati on w a s sc a r y enoug h f rom my a ng le so, f rom his, it could have onl y b een wo r s e. I h a d a l re a d y b e en t r y i n g to p us h aw a y t h o u g h t s o f w h a t c o u l d h av e h a pp ened , but tha nkf ul l y d i d n ’ t.

When I he a rd p eople in FA s ay, “I have a s e n s i t i v e n e r v o u s s y s te m , ” I t h o u g h t , Yeah, y eah, y eah. I’m so d elicat e. As it turns out, I do have a sensiti ve ner vous s ystem, a cco m p a n i e d b y a v i v i d i m a g i n at i o n. S o ma ny of my fe a rs a s a chi ld invol ved mons ter s o r o t h er m a l e v o l en t b e i n g s g et t i n g m e w h i l e I s l e p t . Ev en a s a n a d u l t , I c a n ’ t w atch horror mov i es or e ven the t ra i lers for horror mov i es. I c a n ’ t enter ta in those thoug ht s.

It b e c a m e v er y c l e a r t h at i f I h a d n e v er l o o k e d a t my h u s b a n d ’ s v i d e o o f t h e a tte m p te d c a r t h e f t , I c o u l d h av e av o i d e d hav ing to a sk Go d to cha se out those ima g e s . I c o u l d av o i d s e t t i n g my s e l f u p f o r

fear in the f irst place. It would also prevent m e f ro m b e i n g e v e n m o re a n g r y a t my husband for putting himself in d anger. S o

t h a t ’ s w h a t I d e c i d e d . I h o n e s t l y h a d n ’ t t h o u g h t a b o u t t h a t v i d e o a g a i n u n t i l I

sta r ted w r iting this a r ti cle.

I co u l d n ’ t p re v en t t h i s e v en t f ro m h a pp e n i n g n o r c o n t ro l a ny p a r t o f i t , a n d I

c a n ’ t s ay that I w a sn ’ t sha ken by it. But b ec a u s e I ’ m a b s t i n e n t , I m a d e g o o d d e c is i o ns a b o u t h o w to re sp o n d . I c a l l e d f o r hel p, I p a i d attenti on so that I could b e a go o d w it ness, a nd I d i d n ’ t yel l a nd sc re a m at my h us b a n d to g et h i m to co m e b a c k i n to t h e h o u s e . He’s a n a d u l t . He m a k e s h i s c h o i ce s. W h en i t w a s a l l o v er, I wen t ab out wor king my pro g ra m, just l i ke a ny other d ay.

One thing that d i d surpr ise me, at le a st at f i r s t , w a s t h at I h a d s o m e co m p a s s i o n f o r t h e w o u l d - b e t h i e f, e v e n a s i t w a s a l l happening. I know w hat it’s l i ke to ta ke acti ons that I l ater reg ret or that ha rm other p eople w hen I a m under the inf l uence of a d r ug . Ever y time I tel l my stor y or sha re at a meeting , I’m reminded of the consequences of my acti ve fo o d add i cti on a nd t h e s u b s e q u e n t h u m i l i a t i o n . I d o n ’ t b el i e ve I would have e ver t r i ed to ste a l a c a r, b u t w h o k n o w s , c o n s i d e r i n g t h e o t h e r things I d i d to get fo o d. Go d w i l l ing , i f I wor k my pro g ra m, I’l l ne ver have to f ind out.

A Ca l l for Hel p

Inever thought I would nd myself here again. My eating was out of control. I was buying boxes of our and sugar products and secretly eating them at home as I hid in the washroom. I would lie about needing to go out on errands and then buy food to eat in my parked car, all the while scanning for people who might recognize me as my hand went from the bag to my mouth.

If I couldn’t get out of the house to buy something, I would put together whatever I could nd in my cupboards to satisf y my needs. Ever ything had become a binge food, even though it had all stopped tasting good. Going to bed feeling bloated and hating myself for what I did, I cursed, saying to God, “I don’t understand. Why did I do it a gain? I know better!”

I rst came into FA ten years a go, and by the grace of God, I lost 125 pounds. Unfortunately, I started lling my head with reasons to leave FA, and almost ten years later, I said my goodbyes to my committed meetings, ser vice positions, and the fellowship of people I had come to know.

Knowing that I am a food addict, I entered another Twelve-Step program for food. In time, I came to understand the saying, “ e food is the last thing to go. ”

In this ne w group, I found it di cult to

build a fellowship with others. Eventually, I stopped making outreach calls, my attendance at meetings was irregular, I did not volunteer to do any ser vice, my sponsor calls were sporadic, and I was becoming dishonest about my food. My portion sizes at restaurants were getting larger, the pieces of fruit I chose were the size of a baby’s head, and when I traveled, instead of maintaining my weight as I used to, I was now gaining weight. No longer working my tools or the Twelve Steps, my life was becoming unmanageable physically, mentally, and spiritually. I rationalized it all away, telling myself that I had only gained a few pounds, and I wasn ’ t eating our and sugar.

I eventually came to understand that with no support, I was unprepared to deal with any major life situations. I was having severe headaches, and doctors discovered that I had a brain bleed requiring t wo brain surgeries, leaving me with physical and cognitive issues and depression.

I stayed in a hospital setting for almost t wo months. I was full of fear, doubt, and insecurit y, and combined with the Covid lockdown, it was easy to isolate. My addiction was too strong, and a er ten years of abstinence from our, sugar, and binges, I took that rst bite, leading me on a decline into deep denial

and an over whelming obsession with food.

I began the diet rollercoaster, spending my days looking for the magic pill to save me but always nding myself face rst in the food. I was doing things I had never done before. I was getting up in the middle of the night to eat, spending large amounts of money to get food, and tr ying to teach myself how to eat and throw up.

I had hit rock bottom, and even though I started each day with the best intentions, there was no crawling out from my new low. I kne w what I was doing was wrong , and I knew that FA was my answer, but I couldn’t pick up the phone to make a call for help. is continued because there was always another diet to tr y, another promise to myself, to my son, or to God. Meanwhile, I watched the scale go up, then down, and then up again, with each up more than the last. What had become a t ypical day was to nd myself in my parked car eating a large bag of sugar products, feeling physically ill and hopeless.

By the grace of God, almost t wo years a er leaving FA, I picked up my phone and made a call for help. I was lled with amazement that the FA member answered the phone, took the time to listen to me, and said she would be my sponsor. Within a few days of committing my food and working the tools, the over whelming obsession with food li ed, bringing peace and, most of all, hopefulness.

Lisa D., Canada

Twelve Steps

We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to food addicts and to practice these principles in all our a airs.

B eg inning To Hea l

Ihave lived in the Chicago area for most of my life. It was the home where I grew up, married, worked, and developed a fe w close friends. But as time went by and my parents and husband died, I found myself struggling nancially and aware of getting older. My mother had a serious ta l k with me before she died. One of the things she sa id w a s, “Don’t lose touch with your sister.” I was 60 when I decided to move out west to enjoy closer rel ationships w ith my rema ining fami l y during my “golden years. ” I d id what my mother suggested and moved to Ca l ifornia ve years ago to be near my only remaining family.

She was the thin one, the smart one, the one who got married and had t wo children who were now married themselves. She was the one w ith the Ph.D. and so many persona l and professiona l accompl ishments. I w anted her approva l and love more than anything else I could think of.

My family didn’t understand the program that was helping me achieve a normal body size for the rst time in my life.

When I arrived, I had a meltdown. At the time, I had no idea what food addiction was. I onl y kne w that I had been fat my w hole life. As a child, I was “pleasingly plump,” and into earl y adulthood , I w hite-knuckled it enoug h to attract a man and get married. But I continued to obsess about food. I believed I would always be fat, and that would be okay if I could just nd love and acceptance from the sister I adored and admired.

No matter how I tried, I was not successful. I lived with my sister and brother-in-law w hen I rst arri ved until I could nd a job and a place to live on my own. I wanted acceptance, but I w a s need y, frig htened , and angr y. I isol ated myself and le the house daily to binge at ever y fast-food place in town. I ate like a bird in front of my family, a s if the y would not notice my size w a s growing. I was miserable and blamed them for encouraging me to come to California in the rst place.

I na l l y got a job, boug ht a home, and moved out on my own. I felt defeated and like a failure. I continued the same pattern of behaviors that had kept me fat for many years. I’d come home from work, put on so , comfortable clothes, and sit in front of

the T V eating all night. I promised myself each night that I would do better tomorrow, but I never did.

en, one day at work, I was talking with a col lea g ue w hom I ne ver thoug ht had a weight problem. I have no idea how the sub-

over t wo years a go. My fami l y w a s happy that I found FA and del ig hted to see the weight coming o . ey always thought I should lose weight for my health, and when the y saw that I had found something that worked and was committed to it, they were

ject came up, but I felt safe enough to share my fr ustrations w ith my l ifelong battle of the bul ge. She handed me a trifold from FA . I got myself to a meeting , and w hen I heard the speaker and shares a er the break, I felt like they were talking about me. I knew I was home. I found a sponsor from the intergroup list and got started. at was just

suppor

tive. is wa s unusua l behav ior for me.

I struggled with the program for months. ere were many things to learn, and I tried to do it “ my way. ” I lied to my sponsor and to myself by omission and denial. But as the weight started coming o , I became more comfor table w ith the str ucture and the

SHARON C , MA

tools. I star ted an AWOL and found that my initial be wilderment turned into a real desire for recover y. I began to take the tools seriously and stopped asking “why.”

I went from 181 pounds to 108, and that’s when the unexpected happened. My family d idn’t understand the program that w a s helping me achieve a normal body size for the rst time in my life. e more I took the program seriousl y, d id my tool s, and attended meetings, the more the y thoug ht the program was too str uctured and controlling.

Once I began to eat out and attend family events, they began to see how d i erentl y I ate, and it became tedious at times to accommodate my needs.

was extra work, and they had to give up certa in pl aces if the y w anted me to eat w ith them.

But as the weight started coming o , I became more comfortable with the structure and the tools.

I found myself wanting to explain my program more and more, hoping that my fami l y would accept it and me. I w a s clums y about how to hand le it, and that made things worse. I got c aug ht up in justif y ing my choices. I thoug ht may be the y were rig ht for a w hi le, but that’s onl y bec ause I w anted to plea se them. I ta l ked w ith my sponsor and made many c a l l s to fellows to discuss this troubl ing issue and how to hand le it. en I began to look at my par t. I w a s working w ay too hard for their acceptance and approval.

ey felt I was giving up my autonomy and judged it a s overbearing to have someone tell me what I could do. ey thought I had lost too much weight, and that I could relax my e orts now. ey didn't want to give up their ways of eating, and in their desire to be inclusive, they didn't know how to be comfor table w ith my ne w behav iors around food. ey thought it was rude to bring my food , and it made them feel aw kw ard if I didn’t eat along with them. If I ate before or a er the y d id , the y were uncomfor table. Choosing a restaurant with food I could eat

It became clear to me that without FA, I was truly lost. I have become somewhat distant from my family over these issues, but I had to choose what was in my best interest. I chose Program rst and hope that in time my relationship with my family will become more comfor table for e ver yone. I know that we love one another and are on a new learning cur ve. One day at a time, if I can use my tool s, I w i l l beg in to hea l. Once I c an start healing on the inside, I can start healing outside in my relationships.

Margot S., California, US

Open S ea Adventure

Iw a n te d to d o s o m et h i n g sp e c i a l f o r my mi lestone bir thd ay. Af ter months

o f p l a n n i n g , I m a d e a n a p p o i n t m en t w i t h t h e t r av e l a g en t to d i s c u s s w h ere I w a n te d to g o. It h a d to b e s o m ew h ere w a r m w h ere I co u l d e xp er i ence the wond er s o f ju s t b e i n g o u t o n t h e o p en s e a . Af ter w h at seemed l i ke hours o f t a l k i n g to t h e t r av e l a g en t a n d l o o k i n g at t h e b ro c h u re f ro m a major cr uise l ine, I c h o s e a n a d v ent u re i n t h e We s ter n Ca r i b b e a n t h at i n c l u d e d St Maar ten and the Cocoa Cay resor t in the B a h a m a s . Wi t h t r av e l a r r a n g em en t s s ecured, I researched w hat I could do for offshore excursi ons. I then checked w ith FA members who have gone on cruises to find out what to expect My sponsor wisel y sug-

g e s te d t h at I t a k e my f o o d s c a l e a s a p recaution. I decided that I wa s going solo bec ause I fel t that it would b e e a si er for me to p l a n my a b s t i n en t m e a l s a n d d o my u s u a l q u i et t i m e a n d m o r n i n g ro utine

Fi n a l l y, t h e d a y a r r i v e d , a n d I w a s

o n my w a y to e xperiencing my first t i m e o n a c r u i s e ship!

Read y to embark o n my g re at a dventure, I stood in l i n e w a i t i n g to b e c h e c k e d i n. Im a gi n e my s h o c k w h en t h e t i c k et a g en t s t ate d t h at there w a s no reserv at i o n i n my n a m e ! I w a s s t u n n e d . I h a d presumed it w a s ta ken c a re of, so I c a l led my travel a gent It turned out there w a s a g l itch w ith the c r uise l ine computer. The o l d m e , i n a c t i v e f o o d a d d i c t i o n , wo u l d have gone into panic mode, but because of

XANDRA G , CA

my FA re co v er y, I w a s a b l e to s t a y c a l m . Af ter the problem w a s resolved , I w a s on my way to Miami to start my long overdue v a c at i o n o f w a r m s u n ny d ay s , b a s k i n g i n the sun, and enjoy ing onshore excursions. O n ce I w a s f i n a l l y o n b o a rd t h e c r u i s e l iner and in my room, I found an itinerar y f o r d a i l y a c t i v i t i e s . Th ere were m a ny to c h o o s e f ro m! Bu t t h e m a i n t h i n g o n my m i n d w a s s t a y i n g a b s t i n en t , n o m at ter w h at tem p t at i o n s m i g h t c a l l to m e . I w a s s u r ro u n d e d b y i nv i t i n g at t r a c t i o n s a n d p o s s i b l e tem pt at i o n s , b u t my FA re co v er y p ro v i d e d me w ith a peace that w a s my s e c u re a nc h o r. I h a d h e a rd f ro m FA m em b er s that there were usua l l y A A m e et i n g s o n c r u i s e s h i p s , a n d the itinerar y d id l ist one AA meeting that we e k . S i n ce I d i d n ’ t h av e a cce s s to FA m e et i n g s , I d e c i d e d to at ten d t h e A A meeting to get my “med i cine.” It w a s held in the ja zz club room, and there w a s onl y o n e o t h er p er s o n w h o at ten d e d . Af ter a bri ef d iscussi on, we deci ded I would lead the meeting and qua l i f y. I w a s gratef ul to share my experi ence, streng th, and hope.

Ev en t h o u g h t h e m e et i n g w a s sm a l l a n d not in an ideal location, we made the most of it. Most impor tantl y, I stayed abstinent that nig ht and for the rest of the cr uise.

I was surrounded by inviting attractions and possible temptations, but my FA recover y provided me with a peace that was my secure anchor.

At the concl usi on of my t r i p, I ra n into a n o t h er g l i tc h . At my h o m e a i r p o r t , we had to w a it 45 minutes on the tarmac for a n o t h er a i r p l a n e to d e p a r t . Th a n k f u l l y, w h en I f i n a l l y g o t my l u g g a g e , my s i s ter w a s sti l l able to pi ck me up and d rop me h o m e . In t h e p a s t , t h e u n e x p e c te d d e l a y wo u l d h av e b e en a n o t h er g re at e xc u s e to e at , b u t a g a i n , b e c au s e o f p r a y er, I w a s a b l e to rema in c a l m despite a s t re s s f u l s i t u at i o n . Af ter a l l that excitem en t a n d a b i t o f a n x i et y, i t w a s g o o d to come home to my f a m i l i a r s u r ro u n di n g s . Th e w h o l e c r u i s i n g a d v en t u re w a s wo n d er f u l ! I m et s o m e n e w p e o p l e a n d maintained my abstinence without feel ing any desire for food or a lcohol. Practi cing q u i et t i m e a n d u s i n g o t h er FA to o l s o n the cr uise l iner made it possible for me to remain abstinent and f ull y enjoy the ama zing wonders of my open sea adventure.

Mar y Jane N., Maine, US

Twelve Traditions

Our common welfare should come rst; personal recovery depends on FA unity.

For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority – a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern. The only requirement for FA membership is a desire to stop eating addictively.

Each group should be autonomous except in matters a ecting other groups or FA as a whole.

Each group has but one primary purpose –to carry its message to the food addict who still su ers.

An FA group ought never endorse, nance or lend the FA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.

Every FA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

FA, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues, hence the FA name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and lms.

Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous

Notable and Quotable

Notable and Quotable is a new column w ith l ig ht-hear ted and f un content in the form of short snippets and o ers more interaction and opportunities for contributions from our acti ve and diverse fellowship.

In the Januar y/Februar y issue we asked you to send your insights, thoughts, and tidbits about dating / romance in recover y. ose responses are being compi led for a f uture issue.

is month we ’ re looking for acronyms you ’ ve heard in recover y, like WAIT (W hy Am I Talking?) or FE AR (Future Events Already Ruined).

Please send your favorite acronyms and any additional dating /romance in recover y submissions to articles@foodaddicts.org. Please include the letters “NQ” in the subject line.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the di erence.