June 2024: Be The Light. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA)

roug h It A l l

Ibel ieve I wa s born w ith the d isea se of fear, doubt, and insecurit y, largel y due to what was going on in Europe during the time I was in utero, from 1939-1940. As a Je w and an av id reader of the ne ws, my mother was ver y fearful while she was carr ying me.

In my early years, I was molested. I did not tell anyone. is, I believe, is when I began eating add ictivel y to cover up the shame. Shame and add ictive eating fol lowed me throug hout my l ife unti l I c ame into FA . at shame has been healed through working the Twelve Steps in AWOLs, with the exception of occasional shadows of memories.

I developed asthma and had food allergies d ia gnosed at an earl y a ge. I wa s al lergic to t wo of my favorite foods that my sibl ings were eating, and these became my “forbidden fr uits.” I would snea k them from the kitchen and also steal coins from the change dish next to my mother’s car keys in order to get my x at the corner store across the street from my elementar y school. It was a short walk, usually with my best friend. e owner of the store was an old woman who lived in the back and used a cane, so by the time she

reached where I was waiting , I had time to decide on my selections.

From an incubator at birth to rst grade, I went from under weig ht to chubby, from chubby to heav y, then to substantially overweig ht. At the rst sign of tension in my stomach, I would eat to numb any feelings that might arise. I was scared of feeling anything. I ate beyond feeling f ull; I ate until I couldn’t breathe and binged on foods I was al lergic to, bringing on asthma attacks. As soon as I could breathe again, I repeated the c ycle. No matter what was going on in my l ife, I continued eating and having asthma attacks. Nothing could stop me, not that I wanted to stop. I think subconsciously I believed if I were unattractive enough, maybe men would leave me alone. Looking back, I believe food saved me from a deeper depression brought on by early trauma.

I became a junk food addict, now stealing dollars from my mother’s purse. Let me say that I hated being at home. I’d much rather hang out at a friend’s house where food was plentif ul and available. Her home was lively with four kids being raised by a single mom. My home wa s si lent, morose, w ith anger under the surface that a ected my sensitive

ner vous system. I was depressed by my early teens. Food was my go-to. Eating kept me from my life because it was my life I had no goals other than to support my habit. I barel y graduated from col lege and got married at 21 bec ause I d idn’t know w hat else to do. en, my husband bec ame abusive physic a l l y and emotional l y. I hit my rst bottom w ith food add iction during those years I got d ivorced nine years later and was a sing le mother w ith three boys a l l under the a ge of 10 Before the na l d ivorce decree, my ex-husband beat me I wa s hospita l ized and subsequently went into hiding with my kids I had not seen this level of violence and I thoug ht he would ki l l me, g iven the chance.

and me. Back in the states, he started sending letters threatening more v iolence. I had a ner vous breakdown and gave up being a custodial parent. I couldn’t cope. I was still eating add ictivel y, w ith even more unmanageabilit y in my life

MARY B , OH

We moved to California. While teaching , I received word that my oldest son had been in a car crash and was in a coma from a head trauma I le my job and moved to Los Angeles to be near him at St Mar y ’ s Hospita l. Seeing him, I wa s terri ed I had to face my powerlessness over his cond ition, plus the eating frenzy I was engaged in. My son remained in a vegetative state for nine years and died, and I sank to another bottom.

I came out as a lesbian at age 34 My partner and I sold the house and traveled to Europe with the kids to create the maximum number of mi les bet ween my ex-husband

Twent y years a go, I c ame into FA and found w hat had been missing in my l ife: structure and discipline, as well as dependence on a Hig her Power. However, a er three years of abstinence, I le the program

I had not really been working the tools and was l ying by omission to my sponsor Five years of “research” followed.

I had begun a relationship with a new girlfriend, soon to become the love of my life We were eating buddies and I gained back all the weight I had lost, about 75 pounds. At the end of that ve-year period of miser y with food and depression, I was blessed with the “gi of desperation” . I came back into the rooms of FA and was able, with the help of my sponsor, to open my mind and heart to a Power greater than myself.

Five years a er that, my partner and I got married, and she died nearly t wo years later. Many of my fel lows were in attendance at the wedding and later, at her memorial. ey have been loving and supportive through it all.

I have taken things one day at a time, doing all my tools ever y day; I now take one breath at a time.

at a time. Quiet time rst thing ever y morning helps me beg in the day in a c a lm and serene way. Reaching out with phone calls, sometimes to others w here we share our grief, lets me know I am not alone as I continue heal ing. At this w riting , ve months a er my w ife’s death, I have just returned from an FA Fellowship Convention where I wrote with others in a Connection breakout session. As I rewrite this piece, I am asking my Higher Power to give me the words to help another food addict and to hopef ully suppor t someone who may be grieving. With gratitude, I share w hat I have so generousl y been g iven each and ever y day I still grieve the loss of my w ife, and I recognize the grace of my Hig her Power in my life, praying for my will to reect G-d’s will.

I have had many losses in my life, from as earl y a s a ge eight, and had maintained my addictive, abusive way of eating to cope for most of my l ife. is is the rst period of grief through which I have been abstinent I am a work in progress. I want to become who my G-d wants me to be.

I have taken things one day at a time, doing all my tools ever y day; I now take one breath

I am back to my goal weight. I have reconciled with my children, even with my ex-husband, from a d istance. I g ive cred it to my Hig her Power and to working the Steps, searching out shor tcomings, ma king amends and learning to forgive myself.

I am feel ing peacef ul at la st! ank you, G-d

C. S., Florida, US

Spir itua l Journe y

My rst 90 days in FA have been a simple yet profound journey ma r ked by cha l lenges, v i ctories, and a wealth of self-d iscover y. In earl y 2023, I reached one of my lowest bottom experiences. My weig ht w a s at an a l l-time hi g h of 273 p ound s a nd my blo o d suga r w a s going up e ach time I went to my do ctor. I e a rnestl y a sked Go d to send me some si g n a nd prayed that I w a s w i l l ing to do w hate ver w a s presented , no matter what. I was ser i ous a nd so w a s my Higher Power. About a week later, my husb a nd a sked , “Have you consi dered going back to the Twelve-Step program?” I had hung around the fringes of another recover y pro g ra m some ye a rs a go a nd it d idn’t work for me, but I decided to at least check one out. During a web search, I ran across FA and appreciated that there were se vera l v i deo conference meetings ava i lable.

Breaking ee om the clutches of food addiction felt like climbing Mt. Everest with sandals and no backpack.

enced before in the other Twelve-Step program. ere was structure and a higher level of rigor that intrig ued me. Best of al l, it was FR EE . At my rst v ir tua l meeting I w a s lled with a blend of uncertaint y and hope. Amidst a group of strangers, all on the path to recover y, I questioned whether I was in the r i g ht pl ace. Little d id I know, those strangers would soon become my pil lars of streng th.

FA w a s d i erent f rom w hat I’d exp er i-

Each stor y I he a rd w a s my ow n, however di erent the persona l it y or b ackg round. A er a t wo-week pre-planned vacation, I went to an in-person FA meeting. I had a sponsor within a week. I wasn ’ t sure if this was going to work. To be honest, I d idn’t even know what “working” was, but I had to tr y. I was desperate and needed a solution. e rst week proved to be the most challenging. Breaking free from the clutches of food add iction felt l ike cl imbing Mt. Everest with sandals and no backpack. No our O R suga r! ose had b een my ma in t wo

food groups. I had a severe headache for the rst week a nd a ha lf, then it just stopp ed. My physi c a l c rav ings d is app e a red. What w a s d i erent this time? I had a d a i l y c a l l w ith my sp onsor. I kept show ing up at meetings. I made daily calls to fellows. And God, I asked for help ever y day, al l day, and received it.

e support from the group emerged as my sav ing grace. Sharing my strug gles with those w ho t r ul y emp athize a nd had t raversed simi l a r p aths b ec a me a source of comfor t. Da i l y check-ins w ith my sp onsor b ec a me my spiritual l ifel ine. Our c a l l s went b e yond d iscussions of what I ate; the y dove into my emoti ons, t r i ggers, a nd v i ctor i es no matter how seeming l y insi g ni c a nt. I began to understand that recover y w a sn ’ t solely about abstaining from speci c foods; it w a s a hol isti c t ra nsformati on requir ing the re wiring of my relationship with food, one spiritual day at a time.

scended the physic a l sphere; it w a s an exploration into my spiritual understand ing of why I turned to food.

I l ike to say that I have many one-day-ata-time days. As these days have turned into months, I can see that God was trul y doing for me w hat I could ne ver do for myself.

Prayer a nd med itati on have b ecome sources of spiritua l streng th, a l low ing me to surrender my st r ug g les to a hi g her power, w hom I c a l l God. e spiritua l d imension of recover y emerged as a v ital resource, g round ing me w hen the physical storms of temptation ra ged.

Recover y wasn ’ t solely about abstaining om speci c foods; it was a holistic transformation requiring the rewiring of my relationship with food.

I started to lose weight, and I was beyond gratef ul for that. But changes extended beyond the physical, with my mindset shi ing a nd a n inc re a sed aw a reness of emoti ona l t r i g gers that f ueled overe ating . It t ra n-

FA has become my spir itua l g ui d ing l ight. e friends I’ve made a nd a m ma king along the way are a ne w communit y. e journey continues, one day at a time, and my rst 90 days have laid a rm spiritual foundation for a healthi er, happi er l i fe. Here’s to the journe y, the spir itua l v i ctor i es, a nd the a ma zing g race that led me to FA . If you ’ re contemplating whether you can embark on this path, take that rst step. You might just d iscover, as I d i d , that you ’ re on a spiritua l journe y to a brighter f uture.

Maya

W., Texas, US

Just What I Needed

Ijoined FA to lose wei g ht. I w a s 247 p ound s, 5 feet, 6 inches ta l l , 43 ye a rs old , a nd tired of my legs r ubbing together, my shor t s r i d ing up, or we a r ing a hole in my pants. My health was starting to su er and my doctor wanted me to go see someone ab out my wei g ht. I told her I would “think about that.” I had graduated college at 225 pounds. In my eyes, anything less than that wa s acceptable.

One morning I was having co ee with an FA memb er I had onl y know n a s being thin. I had no i de a she wa s in any sor t of fo o d pro g ra m. She a sked i f I minded i f she ate her l unch. I s a i d , “No,” a nd she pulled out her plastic containers. I stared at par t of her lunch that looked l i ke the food you would order in a fanc y restaurant. is prompted me to a sk how she stayed thin w hi le hav ing three ki d s. She gave me the FA website and recommended I check out a meeting or t wo. She said she would meet me there or have a friend of hers meet me. I went to a meeting within t wo weeks and cried because I felt these were my people.

I came home and told my husband, “I think I’m going to do this weight-loss program. ” He had know n me to uctuate up a nd dow n bet ween 180-247 pounds in our 10 years of marria ge and during t wo pregnancies. I thought that the lower weights I had obtained were my right-size bod y weights.

I learned how to pause in my day and ask,

“Okay, God, what’s the next right action here?”

In the p a st, I had used a commerci a l weight-loss program to reduce my weight. Fr i end s a nd f a mi l y would tel l me I lo oked g re at a nd d i d n ’ t need to lose a ny more. en I would stop wor king the program. I would continue to go to the meetings, have weekl y weigh ins, cr y b ec ause I had ga ined or stayed the s a me, a nd wondered w hat w a s w rong w ith me. At other times, I would exercise more and estimate the numb er of c a lor i es I had burned. at would give me the okay to eat the equivalent of those calories in food.

I na l l y deci ded to get a sponsor in FA . She gave me a food plan. I began weighing a nd me a sur ing my fo o d a nd wor king my tools. Within a fe w months, I joined an indepth stud y of the Twelve Steps.

My weig ht d ropped and I w a s at a rig ht sized wei g ht for my b o d y w ithin 10 months. I le a rned how to practi ce g ratitude a s an action and ma ke d a i l y amend s to my friends and famil y where needed, instead of barrel ing onw ard. I have d istinct memories where, because I went and made a 10-minute phone call to a fellow, I did not blow up at my daughter over the messiness of her bedroom.

I d i d not come to FA for the menta l or spir itua l p a r t of this pro g ra m, but I recentl y s aw the bene ts of my dai l y practi ces. I le a rned how to pause in my d ay and a sk, “O kay, Go d , w hat’s the next r i g ht acti on here?”

I am blessed to live ne a r the FA Business Convention loc ati on. I w a s going to b e prov i d ing a fe w ext ra me a l s for FA members who were staying with me. What a gi to be able to give back to my fel lowshi p by br ing ing a fe w ext ra l unches for that Friday.

XANDRA G , CA

e day before the rst fellow arrived, the thought popped into my head, I don’t have any extra individual containers for salad dress-

ing. With no time to order anything online, my sponsor suggested I visit a Dollar Store. On my way to pick up the rst fel low from the t ra in stati on, I stopp ed at the store. I se a rched for a fe w minutes, sl i g htl y p a nicked, and when I paused, there at eye level wa s a four pack of just w hat I needed! My addict brain went into hyper mode though because I thought I needed more than four of these l ittle conta iners. I continued to se a rch a round , mov ing items a si de on the shel ves, a sking a store employee. I le feel ing l i ke this wouldn’t be enough, but I d idn’t have time to stop at another place. Now I lo ok b ack on this shopping excursi on a nd chuckle. It turns out that four containers were plent y. e ones I l led were returned to me to reuse another d ay. God tr ul y prov ided enoug h, putting in front of me w hat wa s needed at that moment, right at eye level. And it wa s d ur ing a p ause that I s aw that four-p ack, cle a r a nd center. Go d happ ens in the pauses.

Kelly M , Massachusetts, US

Fina l l y Wi l l ing

Ih av e a l o n g h i s to r y o f t r y i n g to s o l v e

m y f o o d p r o b l e m , i n c l u d i n g a t -

te m p t s to a d o p t a h e a l t h y l i f e s t y l e

t h a t i n c l u d e d o r g a n i c a n d v e g a n f o o d s

a n d b e v e r a g e s a n d f a s t i n g t r e n d s . Te n

y e a r s a g o, d e e p i n a c t i v e f o o d a d d i c t i o n,

I worked in the c afe at a hea lth food store.

W h i l e I s e r v e d s w e e t t r e a t s a n d l i g h t

fo o d to customers, I

w a s b i n g e i n g o n

s we et s a n d d r i n k i n g

r i c h , c a f f e i n a te d

b e v e r a g e s . I n e v e r

p a i d f o r a ny o f i t .

W h e n I s t a r te d

w o r k i n g a t t h e

h e a l t h f o o d s to r e , I

w a n te d to l i v e m y

t w e n t i e s c a r e f r e e

a n d d i s c o v e r w h o I

ha lf ma rathons, Pi l ates, ne w jobs, a nother

Tw e l v e - S te p p r o g r a m f o r f o o d , g e t t i n g

s ob er i n A A , b o o k s a b o u t l o v i n g my s e l f,

mindf ul e ating , yo ga , a nd the l ist go es on.

My to p w e i g h t w a s a b o u t 2 5 0 p o u n d s

w h e n I w a s 2 1 y e a r s o l d , b u t d u r i n g t h e

m a j o r i t y o f my a c t i v e a d d i c t i o n, I r a n g e d

b e t w e e n 1 8 0 a n d 2 1 0 p o u n d s . W h e n I

c a m e i n to FA a f e w

FA didn’t make me good; it helped introduce me to a way of life that ees me om addictive eating so I can grow.

w a s i n t h e wo r l d . I d e sp er ate l y w a n te d to

b e interesting , wor ld l y, emoti ona l l y intel-

l i g en t , a n d sp i r i t u a l . Ins te a d , I w a s b i n g e-

i n g a l l t h e t i m e a n d d e sp er ate l y t r y i n g to

co n t ro l i t . D e sp i te a l l my b e s t i n ten t i o ns ,

I co u l d n o t s to p e at i n g . It w a s i n c re d i b l y

p a i n f u l . S i n ce co l l e g e g r a d u at i o n, I k n e w

I had a ser i ous issue w ith binge e ating a nd

w a s o n a m i s s i o n to s o l v e i t . Th i s m i s s i o n

invol ved three geo g raphi c cures, r unning

ye a rs a go, my wei g ht

w a s 1 9 7 p o u n d s.

Ho w e v e r, f o o d

a n d a l c o h o l w e r e

b l o c k i n g a n y p e r -

s o n a l a n d s p i r i t u a l

g r o w t h I w a n t to

e m p h a s i z e t h a t i t ’ s

t a k e n m e a l o n g

t i m e to re a l i ze t h at I

w a s n o t a b a d p e r -

s o n b e f o r e I c a m e to FA i n 2 0 1 5 . FA

d i d n ’ t m a k e m e g o o d ; i t h e l p e d i n t r o -

d u c e m e to a w a y o f l i f e t h a t f r e e s m e

f r o m a d d i c t i v e e a t i n g s o I c a n g r o w . I

h a v e a s p o n s o r w h o i s m y p a r t n e r i n r e -

c o v e r y a n d f e l l o w s w i t h w h o m I w a l k

s h o u l d er to s h o u l d er. I n o l o n g er t a k e o r-

d e r s a n d f o l l o w r u l e s I m a k e c h o i c e s i n

m y l i f e w i t h t h e h e l p o f t h e G o d o f m y

u n d e r s t a n d i n g t h a t FA h e l p e d m e d i s -

In No

v e m b e r 2 0 2 0 , I a c k n o w l e d g e d

t h at I h a d b e en d i s h o n e s t a ro u n d f o o d i n

r e s t a u r a n t s . I r e c o m m i t te d to m y p r o -

g r a m a n d h av e b e en a b s t i n en t s i n ce t h at

t i m e , b u t f o u n d I w a s f i l l e d w i t h f e a r

a b o u t w h at my sp o ns o r wo u l d s ay i f I w a s

r e a l l y h o n e s t , f e a r a b o u t d i s a p p o i n t i n g

p e o p l e , f e a r a b o u t w h a t p e o p l e w o u l d

t h i n k o f m e , a n d f e a r a b o u t b r e a k i n g

r u l e s . A s t h e A A B i g B o o k s a y s a b o u t

f e a r, “ It i s a n e v i l a n d c o r r o d i n g t h r e a d ;

t h e f a b r i c o f o u r e x i s te n c e w a s s h o t

t h ro u g h w i t h i t . ” ( p. 6 7 ) Bu t a s a re s u l t o f

em o t i o n a l a n d m en t a l p a i n, p l us a d e s i re

to a c t u a l l y h e a l f ro m a d d i c t i o n , I f i n a l l y

b e g a n to g et r i g o ro us l y h o n e s t a n d m o v e

a w a y f r o m t h e f e a r t h a t h a d b e e n c r i p -

p l i n g m y g r o w t h . It h a s n o t b e e n c o m -

f o r t a b l e , b u t t h ere h a s b e en a s h i f t i n my

l i f e.

W h i l e s c ro l l i n g o n s o c i a l m e d i a , I s aw

t h at t h e h e a l t h f o o d s to re I us e d to wo r k

f o r w a s c l o s i n g . B e c a u s e o f my s h i f t , my

f irst thoug ht w a s, I need t o make an ame nd s

b e f o re t h e y c l o s e. It w a s c l o s i n g i n a w e e k ,

s o I n e e d e d to a c t . My s p o n s o r a n d I

c a m e u p w i t h a p l a n a n d I m a d e t h e c a l l .

Th e s to re m a n a g er h a p p en e d to p i c k u p the phone. I told her the g ist of w hat I w a s

d o i n g , s h e w a s g r ate f u l a n d i nv i te d m e to

co m e to t h e s to re. My i n i t i a l p l a n w a s to

ma ke the amend s to the ow ner, so I w rote

h er a s h o r t l et ter a n d b ro u g h t i t w i t h m e.

It w a s unclear if the ow ner would be there

or exactl y how I w a s to ma ke the f inancia l

a m en d s. It t u r n e d o u t t h at , u p o n c l o s i n g ,

t h e s to re w a s m a k i n g a l a r g e d o n at i o n to

a l o c a l e n d - o f - l i f e n o n - p r o f i t t h a t I w a s

v e r y f a m i l i a r w i t h , a s m y g r a n d m o t h e r

v o l u n te e r e d t h e r e f o r 2 0 y e a r s . S h e

c o o k e d f o r t h e re s i d e n t s , a ny m e a l t h e y

r e q u e s te d , a n d w a s w i t h m a n y o f t h e m

w h e n t h e y p a s s e d . A s I w r i te t h i s , m y

g r a n d m a h a s d em en t i a a n d i s n e a r i n g t h e

en d o f h er l i f e . I k n o w s h e w i l l p ro b a b l y

b e t h e r e d u r i n g h e r f i n a l d a y s a n d b e

ta ken c a re of by the ded i c ated vol unteers

l i k e h er.

Th e m a n a g er s u g g e s te d I m a k e a d o n a-

t i o n to t h e n o n - p ro f i t r at h er t h a n sp en d

m o n e y a t t h e s to r e a n d d o n a te m y p u r -

c h a s e s. I co u l d n ’ t m a k e t h e d o n at i o n o n

a c r e d i t c a r d , b u t I r e m e m b e r e d I h a d a

l arge amount of c a sh on me! I w a s getting

m a r r i e d , a n d p e o p l e h a d b e en s en d i n g us

c a s h a s a g i f t . I p u l l e d t h e m o n e y o u t o f

my w a l l e t , g av e m o re t h a n I i n i t i a l l y d e-

ci ded , and handed it to her a long w ith the

c a r d . We s h o o k h a n d s a n d s h e s a i d , “ I

t a l k e d to t h e o w n er a n d we ’ re g o o d . ”

If t h i s s to r y i sn ’ t a m i r a c u l o us g i f t o f re-

c o v e r y, I d o n ’ t k n o w w h a t i s . I h a d b e -

co m e w i l l i n g , a n d t h e re s u l t w a s f re e d o m

a n d a c l e a r co ns c i en ce.

An o n y m o u s

Gratitude and Awe

My recent trip to Iceland helped me see how much my recover y in FA has transformed my life. Let’s start from before the trip with packing. It rains a lot in Iceland in the summer, so I bought some waterproof gear, but I had ever ything else I needed. I pulled out a pair of hiking pants I had bought over 10 years a go. ey still t! What a miracle for someone who used to shop for weeks before going on any trip. Inevitably, I wouldn’t be able to wear the ne w clothes a gain because they certainly wouldn’t t the next time I went on vacation.

wanted to eat. I spent a lot of energ y tr ying to avoid the consequences of my eating, like gaining weight and terrible self-hatred.

R ather than having the actual experience of being on vacation. I used to agonize about what I looked like. At over 200 pounds, it was never wonderful. I also missed out on family bonding, and on the scener y and adventures, because I was so focused on getting what I

While we were in Iceland, my husband, son, and I participated in all sorts of activities I could never have dreamed of 16 years a go, when I came into FA at a ge 39. We went jet skiing , snowboarding, hiking , AT V riding , and swimming in geothermal pools. We were even dropped down through a narrow hole into a dormant volcano. For each activit y, we were given a di erent t ype of “dr y suit” to keep us warm. Before FA, I would never have worn a bathing suit in public, and I would never have attempted to wear one of those dr y suits. It would have been too humiliating to wear a men ’ s extra-large. At over 200 pounds, forget about hiking. Nowadays, in my right-sized body, I am having adventures in my ies

RACHEL W , ISRAEL

that I never dreamed of when my kids were young. It’s always f un when they hand me a women ’ s size small.

While we were traveling , I said to myself several times, “ is is not a trip for a ne wcomer. ” I had not considered the fact that the climate in Iceland is not conducive to growing fruits and vegetables, so all the produce is imported. ere were meals that involved letting go of food on my food plan. I worried that I would be hungr y. But this is where the spiritual basis of my recover y comes in. Sometimes, practicing phrases that I learned in early recover y helped. “Less is more ” or “ ere ’ s another meal coming.” To be honest, the real freedom came from surrendering.

ere were times over the 10 days when I felt irritated or impatient at the long drives, uncomfortable accommodations, letting go of food, or someone ’ s remark that hurt my feelings. But when I reminded myself of the spiritual principles of the program, things went much better for me and ever yone else. I kept thinking about the chapter from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous where it explains that God is the director and I am just one of the actors. I kept repeating the question, “ What is your role here?” Inevitably, the answer would come to me, something like, “ Your role is mother of the child who is having an adventure in Iceland” or “ Your role is tourist on vacation in a foreign countr y. ” It helped me gain perspective. When I became God-centered, rather than

self-centered, I did not feel hungr y at all. I felt gratitude and awe.

Speaking of awe, Iceland was the perfect place to get in touch with how insigni cant I really am, and the incredible power of God. Seeing glaciers and rock formations, volcano elds, and steam rising from deep inside the earth, who can deny their own inconsequence? I felt like I was watching God’s breathtaking creativit y unfolding before my eyes. I believe that the spiritual highs I experienced were possible because I am cleanly abstinent and working on my relationship with my Higher Power through the Twelve Steps.

One of the most rewarding experiences of our trip happened on the last day. We were scheduled to take a several-hour hike through a lava eld to a dormant volcano. e weather had turned di cult. It was cold and hailing. My husband decided not to go. I was tempted to stay back as well, but I could see that my son really wanted to go on the hike. I silently asked, “ What’s my role here?” and I got out of the car. My son can be ver y private and emotionally guarded. During the next four hours, as he helped me pick my way through the lava elds, we shared a beautiful, qualit y time together. We laughed, talked, and took silly pictures together. I heard the small, still voice inside saying, “ is is the reason you came to Iceland.” I wasn ’ t hungr y at all.

R achel W , Israel

R estor ing R el ati onshi ps

To s ay I d i d not get a long w ith my father is tr ul y an understatement.

The p o or g uy w a s worr i ed ab out my s l o t h f u l n e s s . I h a te d h i m f o r a l l t h e

“ w ro n g f u l ” p u n i s h m e n t s , i n s u l t s , p u t

dow ns, a nd seeming l ack of b el i ef in me.

I h a te d h i m f o r a l l t h e t h i n g s I t h o u g h t

w e re w ro n g w i t h h i m , a n d I w o n d e re d w hy he d i d not t r y to ma ke things b etter.

In hind sig ht, remembering my youngest

ye a rs a s a blossoming , uncommuni c ati ve add i ct, I b ega n to see that I had a p a r t to pl ay in ma king things b etter b et ween us.

Once, a s I w a s closing in on 300 p ound s at 5 feet, 11 inchse ta l l , my f ather lo oked at me and said, “I’m not worried about you hav ing a he a r t attack a nd d y ing . I’m worr i ed ab out you hav ing a st roke a nd d ro oling on yourself for the rest of your l ife.” As s h o c k i n g a s t h a t s t a te m e n t w a s , i t re a l l y stuck w ith me a nd op ened a c rack of w i l ling ness to sta r t lo oking for a sol uti on.

One g i f t of recover y that I c a n now see is that my f ather w a s, in f act, a sma r t, loving g uy w ho w a s desp erate to t r y to hel p me f rom a s f a r b ack a s g rade scho ol. I w a s a l re a d y i n to my m u l t i p l e a d d i c t i o ns a n d had b een st r ug g l ing to f ind my w ay out.

Af ter I had joined a Twel ve-Step recover y pro g ra m in my for ti es, I had b ecome

ver y comfor table w ith hugs; love getting them a nd love g i v ing them.

In my four th ye a r of recover y, I deci ded that I wanted a relationship with my father

t h at i n c l u d e d h u g s. A l t h o u g h my f a m i l y is prett y f r i end l y, nob o d y re a l l y hug ged. I wasn ’ t sure how to go about initiating hugg ing w ith my father, but I wa s determined. Don’t a sk me w hy. I just w a s.

I rememb er it w a s a sunny d ay, a nd I w a s

a r r i v i n g f o r a v i s i t w h e n I s aw my f o l k s coming tow a rd me w ith my f ather in the

l e a d . Th i s w a s t h e “ m o m e n t . ” S o I

s t re tc h e d o u t my a r m s i n t h e u n i v e r s a l

s y mbol of offering a hug , w hich he picked

u p o n . My f a t h e r s t a r te d to te n t a t i v e l y

ra ise his a rms, but I w a s coming in f a st so he had to deci de qui ckl y. He got a sor t of quiz zi c a l smi le on his f ace, not re a l l y sure

w h at w a s g o i n g o n, b u t t h en h e f u l l y e xtended his a rms. And we hug ged.

I would love to tel l you that it w a s ma gi c a l. Unfor tunatel y, he v isibl y choked up. Honest! And I rememb er thinking , Wel l,

t h i s i s g o i n g w e l l To k e e p t h e s i t u a t i o n f rom getting e ven more uncomfor table, I moved to embrace my mom. We a l l surv i ved , but I w a s determined to keep at it, unti l he either objected or it b ec a me our thing .

Tha nk you, Go d , it re a l l y d i d b ecome a lovel y thing for us a nd it r i ppled out w a rd ,

a s d o s o m a ny t h i n g s i n re c o v e r y, to i ncl ude my three brothers w hom he sta r ted hug g ing , a long w ith the g ra nd ki d s.

Fa st for ward three years when I came for

a n o t h e r v i s i t . By n o w , t h e h u g h a d b e-

c o m e a n a t u r a l g re e t i n g r i t u a l . I a r r i v e d , d ropp ed my b a g , st retched out my a rms, a n d g o t a g re a t , l o v i n g , l e a n - y o u r - h e a d -

into-their-shoulder hug .

Two ye a rs l ater, I w a s in the mi dd le of a d i vorce, a nd I had a l re ad y decl ined a fe w f a m i l y i nv i te s , s o I f e l t i t w a s t i m e to g o.

On my w ay to the v isit, I got this w i ld i dea that I wanted to tel l my father, face to face, “I love you. ”

I a rr i ved on a Fr i d ay a nd chi ckened out.

Saturd ay, there were no re ad y opp or tunit i e s , m e a n i n g I c h i c k en e d o u t a g a i n . S o, LOU C , NY

here it w a s l ate Sund ay nig ht. I w a s leav ing

e a r l y t h e n e x t m o r n i n g , a n d I s aw my f a-

t h e r t u r n i n g o u t t h e l i g h t s i n h i s p j s .

S omehow, I sta r ted mov ing tow a rd him.

It w a s now or ne ver.

My f a t h e r s aw m e

c o m i n g a n d h e

r a i s e d h i s a r ms f o r a

h u g . I w a s l o o k i n g

h i m i n t h e e y e s a n d

s a i d , “ I l o v e y o u . ”

We l l , i m m e d i a te l y,

w h i l e s t i l l i n t h e b e-

and get to know and appreciate w hat a decent, lov ing ma n my f ather w a s.

Th e y s a y t h a t w o r k i n g o u r re c o v e r y

f ro m a d d i c t i o n re s to re s re l a t i o n s h i p s o r

h e l p s us to l et t h em

I was nally able to drop my guard and ... appreciate what a decent, loving man my father was.

g i n n i n g o f o u r h u g , h e s a i d c l e a r l y i n my

e a r, “ I l o v e y o u . I ’ m s o g l a d y o u c a m e . ”

Wel l , you could have kno cked me over…

t h o s e w o rd s c o u l d n o t h av e b e e n m o re

p er f e c t o r m o re p re c i o u s o r m o re u n e xpected. My eyes mist up just remembering it.

In the l a st four ye a rs of his l i fe, we sp oke

m o s t m o r n i n g s. We

w e re t a l k i n g w h e n

t h e Tw i n To w e r s

c a me dow n in 2001.

I s p e n t t i m e w i t h

h i m a f te r my m o m

p a s s e d a n d h e

s h o w e d m e h o w a

he a l thy ma n g r i e ves.

g o. W h i l e I k n o w i t

t a k e s t w o to m a k e

a n a rg ument, I’m re-

m i n d e d o f w h a t

Ma r k Tw a i n s a i d o f

h i s f a t h e r. He s a i d that w hen he w a s 17, he could not b el i e ve how stupi d his f ather w a s. But by the time he w a s 25, he could not bel ieve how much smar ter his father had become. It took me unti l my for ti es to sta r t appreci ating how sma r t my f ather w a s.

R e c o v e r y h a s h e l p e d m e s e e re l a t i o nshi ps more cle a r l y a nd to ow n my p a r t in them. Recover y a l so ha s helped me to forg i ve myself a nd othe r s . O u r l i te r a t u re tel l s us that it is from o u r “ t w i s te d re l at i o n s h i p s ” w i t h o t h -

Recover y has helped me see relationships more clearly and to own my part in them.

I s p e n t t i m e w i t h h i m i n t h e l a s t t h re e

m o n t h s o f h i s l i f e w h e n , a t a g e 9 7 , h i s

he a l th nose-d i ved. Throug h it a l l , I w a s f i-

na l l y able to d rop my g ua rd a nd t r ul y see

e r s t h a t w e h av e

s u f f e re d t h e m o s t .

R e c o v e r y h e l p s m e to s e e m o re c l e a r l y

just w ho is doing the t w isting . R estor ing rel ati onshi ps, I think, is the t r ue g i f t of recover y.

Bob F., F lor id a, US

e Promises

Iwas diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 2011. I bl amed a lot of my hea lth and weight issues on MS and other diseases that come from severe obesit y For example, I bel ie ved that my med ic ation made me gain weight and I felt stressed over upcoming med ic a l a p p o i n tments. I thought I deser ved to eat over my stress and have some semblance of h a p p i n e s s , since there is no cure for MS ankf ul l y, in Januar y of 2023, I found FA at 387 pound s I accepted a sponsor in Febr uar y and had a rocky period of t wo-and-a-ha lf weeks until I was nally continuously abstinent e weight melted o me, and I had so much more clarit y and peace of mind. I felt like a better teacher and I had a lot more patience and understand ing w ith my stu-

dents

I had lost about 80 pounds by the end of May. I w a s so excited to expend my ne wfound energ y I had grandiose ideas of how I would spend my summer break in my slimmer body.

ROBIN M , NY

Two weeks into June, those expectations and plans came to a screeching ha lt I had an MS are-up and lost most of the sight in my le e ye. is required me to schedule a plethora of appointments to get three MR Is (under general anesthesia because of severe claustrophobia), see a new MS neurologist who was about an hour away, have multiple visits to the eye doctor, visit the orthodontist to have my braces removed (which was a nancia l burden), and fol low a ne w MS treatment plan

It felt l ike l ife had just slapped me in the face. I was getting healthier, yet my body still rebelled against me. I was frustrated, anxious, angr y, and scared. I frantically started to plan all these di erent appointments, which was ver y compl icated. I desperatel y wanted to get ever ything done, includ ing both inf usions for my new treatment before the new school year started.

My old control l ing habits, l ike wanting things done my way, in my time, came back in f ul l force. Luckil y, several fellows tal ked me dow n. ey reassured me that my Higher Power had my back and that they were there to support me. I had to completely surrender all expectations, which was so uncharacteristic of me. Ever ything got scheduled during the summer before the school year began, except for one appointment.

a horrible reaction, but my fears dissipated immediately a er my FA visitor arrived.

About two weeks later, I had my second inf usion. It was during the second week of school, but I was able to adequately prepare plans for a substitute teacher. During that treatment, I made several outreach cal ls, which helped to pull me out of a sel sh, fearf ul state of mind. I said the Serenit y Prayer many times while I was at the hospital. I did not have any side effects during either inf usion. What a miracle!

I was able to respond sanely, which was a stark contrast to how I would have reacted before Program.

I was resistant to having an infusion treatment. ey can come with severe side effects, but I didn’t have ver y many treatment options. Once I started my new treatment, a fellow came to the hospital and sat with me for almost the entire inf usion and waiting period. She even ate her abstinent lunch while I ate mine. I was so scared I would have

My Higher Power quel led the anxiet y and fear surrounding ne w situations, people, and places, especial l y when I had a three-hour wait in the hospital to get the MR Is. I was able to respond sanel y, which was a stark contrast to how I would have reacted before Program. I remained abstinent, too. I have immense gratitude towards my Higher Power because my biggest worries never materialized.

e fel lowship and phone cal ls got me through what I thought would be a horrible experience. I made it because I surrendered and put my trust in my Higher Power and the fellowship of FA.

Kris M., Utah, US

To dd ler Ta l k

Recount of a conversation with my two-year old son.

Me: “Jesper, it’s time for you to get clean pants. ”

My son: “No clean pants. Watch cartoon. ”

Me: “ We’ll watch it in a little while, let’s go get your diaper changed.”

My son: “No diaper change.”

Me: “Jesper, Mommy is tired and needs you to be helpful.”

My son: “Mommy, sit?”

Me: “No, Mommy won ’ t sit right now, Mommy’s tired and you need clean pants. ”

My son: “Mommy, play?”

Me: “No, Mommy can ’ t play right now. You need to get changed and have a nap. You’re tired, too. ”

My son: “Mommy, take quiet time.”

Notable and Q uotable

No t a b l e a n d Q u o t a b l e i s a n e w

column w ith l ig ht-hear ted and

f u n c o n te n t i n t h e f o r m o f

s h o r t s n i p p e t s a n d o f f e r s m o r e i n te r a c -

t i o n a n d o p p o r t u n i t i e s f o r co n t r i b u t i o ns

f ro m o u r a c t i v e a n d d i v er s e f e l l o w s h i p.

In t h e Ja n u a r y / Feb r u a r y i s s u e we a s k e d

y o u to s en d y o u r i ns i g h t s , t h o u g h t s , a n d

t i d b i t s a b o u t d at i n g / ro m a n ce i n re co v -

er y. Th o s e re sp o ns e s a re b e i n g co m p i l e d

f o r a f u t u re i s s u e.

Anonymous

No w we ’ re l o o k i n g f o r a c ro ny ms y o u ’ v e

h e a rd i n re co v er y, l i k e WA I T ( W hy A m

I Ta l k i n g ? ) o r FE A R ( Fu t u re Ev en t s A l -

re a d y R u i n e d ) . Pl e a s e s en d y o u r f av o r i te a c ro ny ms a n d

a ny a d d i t i o n a l d at i n g / ro m a n ce i n re co v -

e r y s u b m i s s i o n s to a r t i c l e s @ f o o d a d -

d i ct s.org . Ple a se incl ude the letters “N Q”

i n t h e s u b j e c t l i n e.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the di erence.