July/August: A Bright Future Is Ahead. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA)

Qui eting the Obsessi on

My re l a t i o n s h i p w i t h my b o d y

h a s b e e n t u m u l t u o u s a n d

p a i n f u l f o r m a ny y e a r s . I

s t r u g g l e d w i t h f e e l i n g l i k e t h e re w a s

something w rong w ith me a nd that I w a s

n e v e r g o o d e n o u g h . I w a s o n l y 1 0 y e a r s

old w hen my p a rent s a l lowed me to join a

p o p u l a r we i g h t- l o s s p ro g r a m. I w i l l i n g l y

a t te n d e d t h o s e

m e e t i n g s o u t o f

s h e e r d e s p e r a t i o n

to l o s e my “ b a b y fat.” I w a s obsessed

w ith the size of my

b e l l y a n d c o mpared my thig hs to

t h o s e o f my t h i n

f r i e n d s . I d i s l i k e d that my e a rs stuck out and that I had freckles. I d idn’t l i ke the space bet ween my teeth. I w anted per fect,

ti on a nd obsessi on.

Th e s e f e e l i n g s o f i n a d e q u a c y a n d u n -

w o r t h i n e s s p l a y e d a s t h e b a c k g ro u n d

music to my l ife. Despite being a relativel y

h i g h - f u n c t i o n i n g p er s o n, I to r t u re d my-

s e l f w i t h re l e n t l e s s p e r f e c t i o n i s m a n d a

n e v e r - e n d i n g c y c l e o f g u i l t a n d s h a m e

about my food and weig ht. In my quest to

ere was this constant record playing in my head: a litany of harsh criticism, judgment, fear, loathing, insecurit y, absolute anguish, and despair.

w h i te , m o v i e- s t a r te e t h . I h a te d my chubby l ittle f ingers and wanted to see the outl ine of the b ones in e ach of my ha nd s.

My f r i end s a nd I would see w hose w r ist s were smal ler, and I was so env ious and jeal-

o us o f my f r i en d s ' t i ny l i t t l e w r i s t s ! Th at wa s the madness and insanit y of my add ic-

b e t h i n a n d n o r m a l , I

c re a te d s o m u c h s u f -

f e r i n g t h a t a d i s c o n -

n e c t b e t w e e n my

m i n d , b o d y, a n d s o u l

g re w , a d i s c o n n e c t

t h at p er m e ate d e v er y

a s p e c t o f my l i f e , i n -

c l u d i n g my re l a t i o n -

s h i p s , my j o b,

e v er y d ay a c t i o ns , a n d

my m o v em en t t h ro u g h t h e wo r l d . I h a d

m a n a g e d to e n d u re t h e s u f f e r i n g y e a r af ter ye a r unti l I w a s hop eless to f ind a sol uti on to my self-imp osed miser y.

I w a s p re- d i a b et i c a n d a s t h m at i c . I s u ffered from sleep apnea and snoring , which had b ecome det r imenta l to my ma rr i a ge. I had chroni c joint p a in. As a resul t of the physi c a l p a in a nd chroni c med i c a l cond i-

tions, I would turn to food for e ver y thing. Ever y time my ki d s were st ressing me out o r my h u s b a n d t r av e l e d f o r w o r k , e v e r y time I felt over w helmed and sorr y for myself, I would turn to suga r a nd f lour to get me throug h and re w ard myself for coping with l ife. I felt that I deser ved the flour and s u g a r, t h a t I n e e d e d t h e s e s u b s t a n c e s to get throug h l ife. Parenting young kid s w a s ta x ing a nd d i ff i cul t a nd , in my mind , I deser ved a t re at for getting throug h the d ay.

An emb a rra ssing a mount of my menta l

s p a c e a n d e n e r g y w a s s p e n t w o r r y i n g ab out the size a nd shap e of my b o d y, my weig ht, and my food choices. I focused on w hat I ate, w hat I w a s going to e at, or i f I had e aten to o much. There w a s this constant record play ing in my head: a l itany of

h a r s h c r i t i c i sm, ju d g m en t , f e a r, l o at h i n g , insecur it y, absol ute a ng uish, a nd desp a ir.

Th e d e s p e r a t i o n a b o u t my w e i g h t a n d

n o t f e e l i n g i n c o n t ro l o f w h a t I p u t i n to my b o d y f i l l e d m e w i t h d re a d a b o u t t h e

f u t u re , a n d I f e l t s c a re d a n d h o p e l e s s ,

i m a g i n i n g my s e l f f a t a n d d e p re s s e d a n d

u n a b l e to d o t h e o u td o o r a c t i v i t i e s my

husb a nd a nd I had a l w ays loved doing together.

B efore I kne w that the or i g in of my p a in

a n d d e s p a i r w a s f ro m f o o d a d d i c t i o n , I

tried a l l sor ts of things to get rel ief and f ig-

u re o u t w h a t w a s w ro n g w i t h m e . I re a d

b o o k s a n d s t u d i e d a b o u t h e a l t h a n d jus -

ti ce for f at p eople. I s aw a therapist, nut r itionist, health coach, tried intuitive eating ,

re s t r i c t i v e d i e t s , “l e g a l i z i n g ” a l l f o o d s ,

m e d i t at i o n, co l d s h o wer s , m o d er ate e ating , a nd so on. To b e f a ir, I d i d b enef it a nd

learn from a l l these principles and ne w behav i ors, but I w a s sti l l suffer ing a nd stuck

i n a m en t a l p r i s o n, to t a l l y ob s e s s e d w i t h

my e at i n g a n d t h e s i ze o f my s to m a c h. I thoug ht that moderation w a s the w ay, but I re a l ized af ter f ind ing FA that I w a s not able to e at cer ta in fo o d s l i ke f lour, suga r,

a n d o t h e r b i n g e f o o d s i n m o d e r a t i o n . I

h av e t h e d i s e a s e o f m o re . I h av e t h e d i s -

e a se of ne ver enoug h.

I w a s desp erate w hen I c a me into FA . I have b een le a rning to shi f t f rom a sc a rcit y menta l it y to a n attitude of g ratitude a nd abund a nce throug h FA . I have sta r ted a n

i n - d e p t h s t u d y o f t h e Tw e l v e Ste p s w i t h

my s p o n s o r a n d a m l e a r n i n g s o m u c h ab out add i cti on a nd my d ise a se throug h this pro cess.

I re cen t l y s t a r te d sp o ns o r i n g a n d i t h a s b e en s u c h a j o y, a s t h e p ro m i s e s s t ate , to feel the sense of usef ul ness a nd b eing able to g i v e b a c k w h a t I ’ v e s o g r a c i o u s l y re-

c e i v e d f ro m t h e p ro g r a m . My l i f e i s n o t per fect, but I am learning that I don’t have to e at over the cha l lenges of l i fe. No matter what, I always have a choice. I can w rite,

I c a n pi ck up the phone a nd ma ke a c a l l , re s t w h e n I ’ m t i re d , c r y w h e n I n e e d to,

a n d s e t b o u n d a r i e s w i t h my e n e r g y a n d time.

I have b een in FA for ei g ht months, a nd

my l i fe ha s op ened up, one d ay at a time. I feel this sense of menta l cl a r it y a nd p e ace.

I t r u s t my s e l f a g a i n , a n d I l i k e w h o I a m

b e c o m i n g . I a m

no longer cha ined to the obsession in

my m i n d a n d t h e

c o m p u l s i o n a n d

f i x a t i o n o n f o o d

a n d my b o d y. I

h av e re l e a s e d 7 0 pound s, and more

i m p o r t a n t l y, t h e

p e a c e f u l re l a t i o n -

s h i p t h a t I a l w a y s

d re a m t o f h av i n g

w ith fo o d a nd my

b o d y i s f i n a l l y

h e re . I a m e x p e r iencing recover y. It

i s t r u l y m i r a c ulous!

my worr i es to my Hi g her Power. I love my quiet time ever y morning. I bel ie ve it ha s been instr umenta l in my recov-

e r y. I n o w h av e a p e a c e f u l , l o v i n g , k i n d , resp ectf ul , a nd t r usting rel ati onshi p w ith

f o o d a n d my b o d y. Th a t i s u n b e l i e v a b l e

I h av e s p a c e i n my m i n d a n d e n e r g y i n

my b o d y to b e present, to env isi on w hat I

w a nt to c re ate a nd offer, a nd how I w a nt to sp en d my p re c i o us en er g y i n t h i s l i f e-

time. I a m practi cing comp a ssi on tow a rd myself a nd others. I a m le a rning that I a m

no worse or b etter off tha n a nyone el se. I

a m l e a r n i n g to s u r ren d er, t r us t , a n d t a k e

GRACEA.,ISRAEL

a f te r 3 0 y e a r s o f

s u f f e r i n g a n d a n -

g uish. I feel w hole

a n d i n te g r ate d , i n

a l i g n m e n t w i t h

w h o I a m t r u l y

me a nt to b e. I feel

c o n n e c te d to a

c o m m u n i t y o f

p e o p l e . FA i s

w h e re I b e l o n g .

I ’ v e f o u n d my

t r ib e, my p eople. I d o n ’ t h av e to b e

a s h a m e d a ny -

m o re . I c a n s h a re

o p e n l y a b o u t

w h a t i s re a l l y

g o i n g o n a n d t a l k

ab out my st r ug g les w ith add i cti on. I c a n

a l s o s h a re w h a t I ’ v e l e a r n e d w i t h o t h e r s .

Find ing FA ha s been a genuinel y transformati ve, l i fe-cha ng ing g i f t. I no longer rew a rd myself w ith f lour a nd suga r a s a t re at

o r e s c a p e ; to d a y, i n re c o v er y, my t re a t i s l i fe.

Li nd s ay S., Oreg on, US

First 90 Days

My True S elf

Iremember w a l king into my rst FA meeting , expecting it to be like a group therapy sessi on from a mov i e. I pi ctured a steely therapist leading the meeting, stoi c a l l y a sking each member to share. I ima g ined a bunch of over weig ht, comi cbook characters, all sitting around in a circle, listening to each other talk about stu that wasn ’ t going to be usef ul to me. I also pi ctured myself a s the world-wear y hero who was all too wise for the group, realizing he was surrounded by a bunch of weird people. I thoug ht, at best, I could w a l k aw ay with a stor y that I could share about the experience perhaps to get a laugh from others.

Tod ay, howe ver, I thank God that I w a s open-minded enough to drive to the meeting loc ati on and w a l k into the room because it wa s nothing l i ke w hat I expected. e chairs were arranged in rows, much to my rel ief. ere w a s no permanent leader for the meeting. It w a s announced that there were no tr ue leaders, onl y ser vant s. People in the room took turns reading and behaved in a self-directed manner. in, attractive people volunteered to stand up in the front of the room and share their expe-

ri ences. e y pa ssed around pi ctures of themselves before their weig ht loss and spoke of their miser y when they rst came into the program. ey spoke of recover y. e y spoke w ith self-re vea l ing honest y. ey greeted me with smiles and made me feel welcome. ere was a light in the room that il luminated me. In short order, I realized that the people there had something I wanted.

I got an FA sponsor and started the program. I began working on the wrong thinking that w a s going on bet ween my ears about food, myself, and the world. I realized that many of my bel iefs about myself and the world were simpl y w rong. I bel i e ved many false truths, such as “I can ’ t lose weight at 55 years of a ge ” and “I need to have a vigorous exercise routine in order to lose weight.” I also had self-limiting beliefs, such as “I am too old of a dog to learn new tricks.” I had a hi dden, underl y ing bel i ef that I would n ’ t succeed bec ause I had tri ed so many other weig ht loss programs and failed. Instead, I gained an understand ing that my weight was not the problem. It was just a symptom of the underlying cause. I also learned that there was a force keep-

ing me from learning those greater truths. is was my disease of food addiction that wanted me to keep my mind closed to suggesti ons and possibi l iti es. Here w a s this r ug ged exteri or of a man w ho had been through so much in life a person who had learned to cope w ith the world by putting on a fa l se face and hi d ing his tr ue self for fear of ri d i cule, exclusi on, or fa i lure. And I learned that I could n ’ t get better w ithout a spiritual element, and that’s w hen I rea l l y got on the road to recover y a journe y to recover that true self. I started listening to that small, quiet voice that was deep w ithin me. is w a s the s ame voi ce that gave me just enoug h of an open mind to come into the FA meeting in the rst place. is w a s the voi ce that w a s connected to something bigger out there in the universe. is was the voice of the person that God

really wanted me to be. I started getting better spiritua l l y, w hich gave me the coura ge to face fears and to be open-minded enough to learn those greater truths about myself and the world. And then, the pounds just started coming o .

SHARON C , MA

One of the greatest tr uths I d iscovered is this: if I focus on my recover y, I w i l l lose my weig ht, but i f I focus on my weig ht, I could lose my recover y. When I hear the term “ recover y, ” I think of recovering the tr ue self that l i es w ithin me and bringing myself out to the world to do things l i ke

standing up in front of a room a er 90 days of abstinence to share my stor y and help be a l ig ht to ne wcomers w ho w a l k into the rooms of FA w ith the s ame i l l-concei ved notions and fa l se tr uths I had w hen I rst walked in.

Lou C., New York , US

Splend i d Supp or t

Ikne w what I needed to do. I needed to eat nutritious food and avoid junk. I realized that our and sugar could not be on my plate. But even w hen I had success with what I kne w to do, I never had a break f rom the “voi ces ” of the fo o d. I could achieve the out ward action of not putting our in my mouth, but I could not nd rel i ef f rom the fo o d chatter in my head.

On my rst FA c a l l , the woma n w ho w a s to b ecome my sp onsor s a i d w ith absol ute condence and a ssurance, “Go buy a scale, and let me tel l you w hat you’l l eat tomorrow. ” us, I wa s initiated into this unique relati onshi p b et ween sp onsor a nd sp onsee. She expl a ined the b a si cs of the pro g ra m, elded my ma ny questi ons, o ered me a st re a m of phone numb ers for out re ach cal ls to other FA members, and made me feel l i ke she wa s my big gest cheerleader. I w a s ama zed at her ea gerness to help, g i ve me g uidance, and nd ans wers for me.

She wa s exible w ith establ ishing an initi a l fo o d pl a n b ec ause I have sp eci c d ieta r y l imitati ons, a nd we c a me up w ith three wei g hed-a nd-me a sured me a l s that ushered me r i g ht into recover y. Within t wo days, the food voices and chatter were completel y gone.

at mar velous FA memb er cheered me through the challenges of chomping a nd che w ing a l l those veg g ies, co oked a nd raw.

She w a l ked me throug h the FA to ol s of sur v i va l. She a ns wered ever y single cal l ever y single morning. She wa s my hero.

Sti l l, I pushed and a sked for exceptions, w a nting something d i erent f rom the fo o d pl a n I’d b een g i ven. A er some months, my sp onsor fel t unqua l i ed to supp or t me a ny more, but she s a i d she would continue to sp onsor me unti l I found someone el se. I fel t ab a ndoned w hen she a sked me to nd another sponsor, but I also had a lot of suppor t from FA

XANDRA G , CA

fel lows, w ho told me that this happ ens from time to time and that I would ma ke it through.

By communicating with others and praying, I felt ready to begin with a new sponsor. At rst, I felt anxious, as I was not sure what to expect, and felt some w hat intimidated. But I gradually began to realize that I wasn ’ t in my sponsor ’ s hands but in God’s hands. In the beginning , many things were d icul t. My ne w sp onsor had more exp ectati ons. I had to commit to three meetings a week and d i l i gentl y practi ce a f ul l 30-minute qui et time. I needed to ende avor to connect w ith three FA memb ers e ver y d ay. Whe w, it wa s a lot! ere were times I d is a g reed w ith her. Distressed and annoyed, I would reach out and talk to fellows. I would get on my knees and a sk God for help. Most of the time, I’d nd the p e ace to surrender a nd ta ke her sug gesti ons. But sometimes, I would feel prompted to have f ur ther convers ati ons w ith her. Grad ua l l y, we were bui ld ing a working t wo-way conversation. I was gratef ul for al l those lessons and al l that grow th.

I could achieve the outward action of not putting our in my mouth, but I could not nd relief om the food chatter in my head.

on my knees and felt clear from my Higher Power that my sp onsor w a s r i g ht ab out t wo of the matters, and I needed to surrender. But I also had a strong resolve that with one of the matters, it was important to stay the course. A sense of peace came over me that i f my sp onsor would not continue working with me, my Higher Power would take care of me. It wa s a ver y hard conversation, but we both rea l ized that our rel ationship wa s no longer working. I wa s sad b ec ause she had done so much for me, and I looked up to her. She gave me a sol i d a nd found ati ona l abstinence. I a m sti l l so indebted to her for her faithf ul l ab or those ma ny d ays, weeks, a nd months. We had to part ways, but I didn’t have to eat over it, nor d id I leave FA over it.

One day we reached an impa sse on a situation and just couldn’t a gree. Finally, I was

roug h out re ach c a l l s, I found a ne w sponsor w ithout losing my AWOL or my sponsees, and I d id not have a break. I wa s so gratef ul to the fellowship for helping me through it al l. My ne w sponsor is fanta stic, just l i ke the other t wo, bec ause FA is speci a l that w ay. We have so much to le a rn from one another.

Anonymous

D i v ing In

Ever y Friday night in the summer, my husband and I kick o our weekend by going out on our boat and watching the sunset over the lake. At that time, I was an active food addict, so part of the experi ence included bring ing d inner a long in a cooler w ith plent y of extra snacks and desserts. is was usual l y food from one of the many fast-food restaurants w ithin three mi les of our home that we picked up on our way to the boat ramp. At the end of a long work week, I deser ved to eat w hatever I wanted. I deser ved to zone out and stu down the stresses of my work week.

In this add ictive behav ior, I isolated and did not want anyone to join us on these Friday night food fests. I had convinced myself that a er a long week at work, it was okay to lie around on our boat and eat, and eat, and eat.

One weekend, my husband invited one of our neig hbor couples to join us. He told them to bring their picnic dinner, too, and we could enjoy an evening together on the lake. Of course, when he told me our neighbors were coming , my ans wer w a s a resounding “No!” In active addiction, I liked to isol ate and eat. I d i d n ’ t w ant people around to shame me for my eating.

Nevertheless, the couple joined us. I put on my happy face, and o we went. My husband thre w out the anchor, and ever yone went to their coolers to pull out their dinner. My neig hbor pul led out these mini conta iners l led w ith color f ul vegetables, protein, and fr uit. Her food w a s simpl y beautif ul. I was eating my big , sloppy mess of a meal from a take-out shop. I told her, “ Wow, your food is so nice.” She told me, “ ank you. I eat abstinentl y. ” I thoug ht, W hat the heck is that ? Nobody can eat abstinentl y. ose t wo words completel y contrad i cted each other in my mind. S o, naturally, I asked her about FA .

She was kind enough to tell me all about the program. We spent the next t wo hours basking in the setting sun while I learned all about FA . To cool down, she dove o the bow of our boat like a teenager into the lake for a s w im. My w ay of entering the w ater was to slowly haul my body down the ladder on the back of the boat and push o into the lake. Diving into the water was not only unheard of for me, I don’t think I could have done it because of my weight and discomfort with my body. Climbing back into the boat w a s equa l l y hard , and I could barely make it back up the three-step ladder to get back on board. My neig hbor loved

diving in so much that she did it a gain and a gain. She would e ortlessly scurr y up and dow n the boat’s l adder in the back and enjoy the w ater. She told me she padd leboarded on our l a ke, w a l ked a l l the time, and had an active, happy life a er shedding her weight and living the principles of FA . I went to a loc a l in-person meeting that same week. Being about 80 pound s overweight, slug gish and unhappy, I just had to

learn more about FA .

e people I met at the FA meeting were happy, committed, and living in right-sized bodies. ey happily shared their program with me. I got a sponsor that night, lots of phone numbers, literature, and a food plan for abstinent l i v ing. I felt l i ke I w a s home and a s i f I were w ith my people. Al l the commercial weight-loss programs got my mone y and some of my pound s, but I a l-

MERISSA L , FL

ways gained the weight back and never followed a plan that was sustainable, spiritual, or healthy until I was introduced to FA . I have lost weight in FA; however, I am not yet in my rig ht-sized bod y. In the pa st, if I didn’t lose weight in a diet program, I would quit. Now, I embrace the process. is is not a sprint for me, it is a marathon. It is a way of l i fe. S omed ay, I w i l l be in a bod y that is hea lthy for me. Tod ay, I am l i v ing abstinently, making my calls, going to meetings, read ing my l iterature, and weig hing and mea suring my food and my l i fe. Being in Program, I have changed jobs to have less stress in my life. I am calmer, more focused, and more peacef ul. My Hig her Power g ui des my path, not me. I keep doing the next right thing and take it one day at a time. Sometimes my husband jokes with me and says, “ Who are you?” and I just smile. I know that the ne w me is the direct result of living the Twelve Steps and practicing the principles of FA .

Now, when I go out on our boat to watch the sunset on Friday nights, I pack my beauti f ul food in my l ittle conta iners. Fri end s who join us sometimes ask, “ What are you eating? It’s so beautif ul.” I always say, “ Well, I eat abstinentl y !” If the y w ant to know more, I tell them about FA . But rst, I dive into the lake from the bow of the boat, just l ike my neighbor d id on that ama zing day when I rst learned about FA .

Christine E., North Carolina, US

Twelve Traditions

Our common welfare should come rst; personal recovery depends on FA unity.

For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority – a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.

The only requirement for FA membership is a desire to stop eating addictively.

Each group should be autonomous except in matters a ecting other groups or FA as a whole.

Each group has but one primary purpose –to carry its message to the food addict who still su ers.

An FA group ought never endorse, nance or lend the FA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose. Every FA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

FA, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues, hence the FA name ought never be drawn into public controversy. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and lms.

Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

Time Mana gement

Ihave been in FA for over t wo years, and it amazes me how my food addiction affects other things in my life. I always had reasons why I went to bed late, got up late, was late for meetings, or didn't quite get 30 minutes of quiet time in. Sometimes, my quiet time was 26, 24, or even under 15 minutes. I rationalized that I made a conscious e ort, but "life" just got in the way. I recently traveled to my sponsor ' s house for my Fi h Step. My time management issues were revealed while staying with her and her family. I had to weigh and measure some of our meals, and it took me forever. I packed lunch and dinner for my seven-hour drive home, and my sponsor was amazed at how long it took me to make it. We talked about how I struggle with going to bed and wake-up times. I came clean about my quiet time. I began to understand my addiction to food during this time of enlightenment. I was blaming my time management problems on life, not on my relationship with food. My sponsor and I talked about how food was still taking up too much of my time. I had a whole

ritual about what and how I ate. I only ate certain combinations of foods. I spent a lot of time shopping and preparing meals.

My sponsor made sug gestions about streamlining my food prep. We discussed the time I spent going from one grocer y store to another to get the best "deals,” and the hit I got from being in grocer y stores, even when my freezer was full.

I was blaming my time management problems on life, not on my relationship with food.

Now, things are manageable. I make a list and go to one store once a week. I buy only what I have on my list. I no longer make a production out of my food prep. I have a set bedtime and wake-up time; no more snooze alarm. I schedule my quiet time just as I do my sponsee and sponsor calls. I am using up what I have in the freezer.

"No matter what” has taken on a ne w meaning for me. I know that if I continued my earlier behaviors with food and time management, eventually, it would a ect my abstinence. With my sponsor ' s help, I came up with a plan, and no matter what, I need to stick with it.

Laura

D., Ohio, US

e White Fl a g

I’ ve been in FA for ve years and traveled abstinentl y many times, but that w a s not always the case. Once, earl y in my recover y, a business trip was at night, and my del ayed ig ht arri ved l ate. A er cl a iming my bag , I had to dri ve yet another hour to get to my hotel. I w a s ex hausted , and I w a s hungr y. I decided I’d tr y to stay awake for the dri ve by eating all the abstinent food I’d broug ht w ith me, just to get me to the hotel. I felt I had no other choice. How else wa s I going to get there w ithout fa l l ing a sleep at the w heel? But wait. I had no fork or spoon.

food until it was gone. e car was a mess. I was a mess. Despair set in. I had regressed to old behaviors. My disease owned me.

At the time, I knew I’d had a break, but the depth of it d idn’t hit me unti l the next morning when I woke up, and it w a s time to c a l l my sponsor. roug h my tears, as honestly a s I could , I recounted w hat I had done. I told her about how chaotic and crazy my actions had been. I felt so a shamed. Here I w a s in this strange place with no food and no idea w hat to do next. My sponsor w a l ked me through getting back on track.

I opened each conta iner and ate e ver ything w ith my hand s. is w a s a er I had stopped at a gas station for some ready-toeat sugar and sa lt y treats. I had broug ht enough food to last me three days, but instead, I ate ever y thing in my rental car except the salads, thoughtlessly devouring the

It was that break that helped me truly understand that I am a food addict. It was on that day that I surrendered to the program and understood what it meant to embrace my Higher Power’s will and let go of mine. I put up the white a g and admitted I was powerless, that I didn’t know how not to eat

ROBIN M , NY

addictively, and that it was time to take action by doing w hat my sponsor and other FA members sug gested. I resolved not to just nod my head and say I’d do w hat the y recommended w hi le sti l l doing w hat I wanted. R ather, I was going to eat my food just as I had committed it to my sponsor. I w a sn ’ t going to “ g ure things out ” on my own anymore. I was going to call FA fellows and a sk how the y traveled , how the y planned, and how they handled unexpected situations that came up in their lives.

I wa sn ’ t going to al low myself to get that hungr y, angr y, lonely, or tired again. Instead, I would call FA members and talk to them about my feel ings. I a l so star ted to w rite about these feel ings and ta ke them to my daily quiet times of meditation. Now, I was committing to taking rest seriously and not overplanning my days. I let go of my usual compulsion to do “just one more thing.” I decided I was going to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood God.

Traveling now is contented, peacef ul, and abstinent. I’m prepared and accepting of what is doable while traveling as a food addict in recover y. I now know what to do to be forti ed to travel for any amount of time away from home.

I recentl y traveled cross-countr y for a week-long family vacation, and I didn’t want a repeat performance of my work trip. Fortunatel y, I’d learned big lessons from that

break. For starters, we booked a place with a kitchen. I carried food appropriate for ying. And w hen we arrived, we went to the grocer y store right away. Even w hen I had committed to an abstinent meal out, I still had a backup meal ready, just in case something unexpected c ame up. For greater peace of mind, I arranged to have abstinent food read y and w a iting upon my arri va l back home.

On vac ation, at my goa l weig ht of 145 pounds, I was able to move freely, walk, and f ul l y enjoy the sig hts. I saw the Grand Canyon, wore a bikini at the pool, went to the zoo, and celebrated my 90-year-old aunt ’ s bir thd ay w ith d ignit y and humi l it y. e most important thing was how much I enjoyed my family and friends instead of obsessing about what I was going to eat.

I have so much to be grateful for, thanks to this program. In years past, while traveling , I would have been sick from overeating and missed out on a l l the great conversations going on around me. I’d have been imprisoned “in my head,” moody because I wasn ’ t getting the food I w anted or bec ause I’d eaten too much.

No, on this vacation trip, I didn’t leave my recover y to chance, hoping my old habits wouldn’t take me dow n. is time, thanks to working the tools of FA, I put new habits to work with purpose and mindf ully. I took ownership of my recover y.

Erika M., Mar yland, US

Mind , B

o d y, and

Spir

it

Mind, bod y, and spirit. In FA, we re ad these word s at e ver y meeting , “Food add iction is a d ise a se of the mind , b o d y, a nd spir it for which there is no cure, but it can be arrested a d ay at a time by our ad apting to a d iscipl ined w ay of eating and the Twelve-Step program of FA . ” For years, I tried to treat the pieces of this d isea se a s separate entiti es, but I ne ver found recover y until I w a s g ui ded to put them al l together.

When I w a s 45, I de voted myself to t re ating the physi c a l par t of this d isea se. I sp ent hund red s of dol lars monthl y on a nutritionist who calculated and tracked my mac ronut r i ent s. Fol low ing his fo o d pl a n dow n to the gram, I hit my lowest weig ht since high school over 100 pounds down from my top weig ht of 250 pounds. I wa s con dent I’d found a solution even though it me a nt “ w hite knuckl ing” most d ays. Without treating the mental and spiritual a sp ect s of this pro g ra m, I w a s consta ntl y st r ug g l ing a nd obsessing ab out fo o d.

When I b ega n to binge a ga in, a nd the weight came on quickl y, I let go of the nut r iti onist a nd ap olo g ized for w a sting his time.

Without treating the mental and spiritual aspects of this program, I was constantly strug gling and obsessing about food.

My next ende avor w a s add ressing the menta l p a r t of fo o d add i cti on, thoug h I d i d n ' t know at the time I had a d ise a se. I found a ne w therapist and was determined not to l i e a s I had in the p a st. My fe a r of jud g ment a nd d isg ust over my add i ctive behav ior turned me into a woma n w ho w a s sec reti ve a nd l led w ith sha me. In desp erati on, I confessed e ver y thing a l l the b ad decisi ons I had made and even how I behaved with food. I could never forget the things I did in my add iction. I remember sitting in the car a er grocer y shopping , shovel ing food into my mouth w ith my hand s. I traveled a lone to big cities so I could eat at all the restaurants and shop in fanc y grocer y stores. It wa sn ' t a n ad venture; it w a s a w ay I could isol ate and binge al l the foods I wanted. I rememb er putting our a nd suga r purcha ses for

my family in the trunk of my car so I wouldn ' t eat them on the way home and then ultimatel y pul l ing over to the side of a bus y highway to get them and eat the rest of the w ay home. At home, I binged on e ver ything in my pantr y, includ ing ingred ient s that were not meant to be consumed raw.

I felt l ighter a er sharing my histor y with fo o d w ith my ne w therapist, but I sti l l couldn’t stop the bingeing. As a result, the undercurrent of self-lo athing p ersisted. I used to dispose of sugar/ our products but then would sta nd over the garba ge eating them w hi le tel l ing myself how wor thless I w a s b ec ause I d i d not have the wil lpower to just throw them away.

A b oy f r i end w ho had b een ve ye a rs sober in A .A . helped me address the spiritual aspect of my d isease. A er commenting that I might be a food addict, he invited me to a genera l , rel i g i on-b a sed recover y meeting . I w a s resista nt, but I rel ucta ntl y agreed to attend, telling myself that I would onl y go to support him. I couldn’t see how recover y appl i ed to my e ating , but the memb ers ’ ta l k of self-centered ness, fe a r, doubt, and insecurit y felt familiar. eir descriptions of l ife with alcohol sounded ex-

actl y l ike my l ife in the food. I was gratef ul to have found that ro om. I went b ack weekl y and de veloped a spiritua l it y that I had never experienced before. I felt more connected to the universe and other people. But the problem, a s a lways, wa s that I sti l l couldn’t stop eating! Since the beginning of that year, I gained 20 pounds, with no signs of slowing dow n. I was d isg usted by my lack of self-control and felt like a hypocrite ever y week. I found lasting recover y and freedom from food obsession onl y in FA, a pro g ra m that treats this d isease on a l l three le vel s. A sponsor o ered me a fo o d pl a n f ree of our, suga r, a nd unmea sured quantities that took care of my physi c a l c rav ings.

I have found lasting recover y and eedom om food obsession only in FA, a program that treats this disease on all three levels.

Addressing the menta l a nd spir itua l a spects by working the tools of FA and stud ying the Twelve Steps a l lowed me to rema in abstinent. I have b een g raced w ith the g i of si x abstinent bir thd ays a s I w r ite this a r ti cle. A er dec ades of feel ing a lone, I a m na l l y surrounded by people w ho tr ul y understand my fo o d add i cti on. To d ay, I t r ust my Higher Power to continue to g uide me on this path of peace, serenit y, and gratitude. Tara N., Penns ylvania, US

R ec i p e for Li fe

Ma ny ye a rs b efore joining FA, I

wo r k e d at a co m m u n i t y co l -

lege nursing program. It w a s a ver y st ressf ul env ironment. Student s a nd

f a c u l t y a l i k e w o u l d s h a re (d u m p) t h e i r problems at my off i ce do or, a s wel l a s my

s u p er v i s o r ’ s , a n d t h en g o h o m e , re l i e v e d of their burdens. My b oss a nd I would b e lef t to shoulder these burdens, to de a l w ith

t h e m a s b e s t w e

c o u l d . O f te n , s h e would excl a im, “ This ha s b een a t wo-sco op d a y ! ” S h e w a s re f e r -

r i n g to o u r f av o r i te f rozen comfor t fo o d.

a c h i e v e r / p e o p l e p l e a s e r. It d i d n ’ t t a k e

l o n g b e f o re c r i p p l i n g a n x i e t y, h o p e l e s s -

n e s s , a n d w e i g h t g a i n to o k m e o v e r. My

e f f o r t s to f i x e v e r y t h i n g h a d f a i l e d . In

h i n d s i g h t , I re a l i z e d my u n d i a g n o s e d

fo o d add i cti on had destined me to keep rep e ating the c ycle of a n x i et y, e ating , a nd hating myself unti l I w a s a physi c a l , men-

t a l , a n d e m o t i o n a l

It didn’t take long before crippling anxiet y, hopelessness, and weight gain took me over.

My e orts to x ever ything had failed.

Then we’d r ush to the b re a k ro o m to soothe ourselves, bel ie v ing we had earned that d ay ’ s t re at.

Once, af ter a n esp eci a l l y g r uel ing d ay of p u t t i n g o u t m u l t i p l e f i re s , my b o s s s a i d , “Forget the sco ops get the ga l lon! And t wo sp o ons. ”

We repeated that scenario over and over.

Final l y, af ter seven years, I lef t to take a job

i n y e t a n o t h e r t w o - s c o o p a re n a o f h i g h

st ress the wor ld of hospita l ad minist ra-

t i o n a s t h e e xe c u t i v e / w o r k a h o l i c / o v e r -

w re c k . Th i s b e h av -

i o r c o n t i n u e d f o r

si x ye a rs.

I k n e w I n e e d e d

to g et o u t . S o, I returned to the fami l-

i a r w o r l d o f

a c a d e m i a , b e l i e ving that a cha nge of scene w a s the “f i x ” I

w a s l o o k i n g f o r. It w a sn ’ t . L i f e h a d o t h er

i de a s a nd to ok a surpr ising turn. My husb a nd had a chroni c i l l ness, a nd it w a s get-

t i n g w o r s e . He re q u i re d my a t te n t i o n . I

ret i re d e a r l y to c a re f o r h i m , a n d I sp en t

1 3 m o re y e a r s e x p e r i e n c i n g “ t w o - s c o o p d ays. ” When my husb a nd d i ed t wo ye a rs a go,

I f o u n d my s e l f a l o n e , 4 0 p o u n d s o v e r -

w e i g h t , a p re d i a b e t i c i n s o m n i a c , a n d

GER D ( ga st ro esopha ge a l ref l u x d ise a se)

sufferer. Determined not to g i ve in to imp en d i n g d o o m , a n d d e sp er ate f o r a n a n -

s w e r, I p r a y e d . I p r a y e d to my Hi g h e r Po wer f o r h e l p to c h a n g e my h e a l t h a n d

l i f e . Th i s w a s n e w . Ev e n t h o u g h I h a d practi ced my rel i g i on since chi ld ho o d , I’d

ne ver consi dered a sking for hel p w ith my wei g ht or e ating habit s.

Three months l ater, a n a ns wer c a me. A church f r i end int ro d uced me to FA . I at-

te n d e d my f i r s t m e e t i n g a n d w a s c o n -

v i n c e d I h a d f o u n d my s o l u t i o n . I h a d

Even though I had practiced my religion since childhood, I’d never considered asking for help with my weight or eating habits.

c o m e h o m e . No w , 1 9 m o n t h s l a te r, my

t w o - s c o o p d a y s o f s u g a r h av e b e e n repl aced w ith ga l lons of hop e, f a ith, a nd fellowship. I c an hand le l ife’s d iff iculties w ith the to ol s of the pro g ra m, prayer, a nd p os-

i t i v i t y. I ’ v e l o s t 4 0 p o u n d s . I t a k e n o

a n t a c i d s . I s l e e p s o u n d l y. In s e re n i t y, a c -

c e p t a n c e , a n d “h a p p y u s e f u l n e s s , ” I h av e

found the p er fect reci p e for l i fe. Not just for to d ay, but for the rest of my l i fe.

Li nd a W., F lor id a, US

Twelve Steps

We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable.

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to food addicts and to practice these principles in all our a airs.

Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous

No More Shame

Over my lifetime, I lost more than 50 pounds at least t wice, but I always gained back the lost weight and more. Pregnanc y permitted me to eat for t wo, and I sure did. Of course, coming home from the hospital, I had to continue wearing those darn maternit y clothes because I'd gained so much weight.

I had some success w ith a commercial weight loss program and got down to 125 pounds a er my daughter wa s born, but I str ug gled w ith their maintenance program. When my son wa s born a fe w years later, I tried it again, but it didn't work for me, so I decided to fol low a more rigid plan. I went once a week and took some “ v itamins” they sold me. To this day I have no idea what wa s in them but I was able to get that extra weight o .

I truly wondered if I had the right room because most of these people looked like the y’d never had any weight issues, nor would the y understand my shame and ustration.

Looking back at my chi ld hood, I wa s never the skinny kid. I remember always wanting more food at family meals and was

frequently in the kitchen looking for our and sugar products. We didn't have snacks, but my mom would bake a our product for my dad to take in his lunch. Ever y week I'd be in the kitchen with a knife cutting slivers o and tr ying to make it look like nobody had touched it. I couldn't leave it alone and felt shame about my behav ior. In my teena ge years, my jobs were in food ser v ice, and my employers told me I could eat w hatever I wanted without limitations. at just increa sed my intake and my desire for more quantities of our and sugar. When my children were young, I got a divorce and worked hard to support my family by sel l ing real estate. We were trained to keep an upbeat attitude, but being on straight commission wa s scar y w ith t wo smal l kids. I learned to hide my feel ings in public but went home in the evenings and resor ted to food to calm my ner ves and shove dow n my feel ings. I always tried to

have a smiling face in public and hid my fear and insecurit y from even my close friends. e weight began creeping upward a s I turned to food for comfort. I felt constantly frustrated when I went to my closet to nd something to wear, and it was too tight. I'd go to the store to buy something new, and I had to buy a larger size and then the ne w clothes sti l l looked aw f ul. e shame and pain gre w along with my thighs and waistline. I was always searching for the magical diet that would drop my weight quickly. At ever y grocer y checkout l ine, I'd read about the latest and greatest diet and tr y it for a fe w days, then give up. I tried hypnosis, sugar busters, low carb, and keto, and I went back to commercial d iets several times to no avai l. I had a diet buddy who would start with me and then we'd both fall o the wa gon. I couldn't seem to nd the ma gic one that worked for me. I'd read about making a lifest yle change, but I didn't know how I could do any of those diets for the rest of my life.

ish a bag of this or a box of that.

at night I walked out the door with hope for a future.

I have a new eedom and a new happiness that is hard to describe.

My son is in recover y from drug and alcohol addiction, and I knew a bit about A .A . from attending family sessions when he was receiving inpatient care. I even owned a Big Book so I could understand addiction better. As I read the stories in the Big Book, I kept thinking that they told about the lives of those who couldn't stop using, and I realized that was true for me. Once I had our or sugar, I wanted more and more. I wasn ' t any di erent from them, but I didn't know there were programs for people l i ke me. My dr ug of choice, food, wa s needed ever y day to sur vive. I wondered, How could anyone stop eating? L ater I heard about O vereaters Anonymous and attended one meeting , but I never went back.

I felt defeated. I kept thinking I was di erent and that I was just a stress or emotional eater. Of course, I ate whether I was happy or sad and generally found any excuse to n-

My Higher Power brought me to FA about one month a er my son ' s signi cant other died of an overdose. e painf ul realit y of addiction made me realize I was on a path to destr uction a s wel l. No, I wa sn ' t going to be arrested or lose my driver's l icense, but I wa s destroying the bod y my Higher Power had given me and my peace of mind. I happened to see a notice of a meeting in my church's weekly bulletin for

FA . Later that same week, I picked up a trifold brochure in a nail salon that included the 20 questions and the day and time of that meeting at my church. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but I told my husband I wa s going to the meeting. He kne w I wa s searching for a solution, but I don't think either of us thought there wa s any hope for me. I'd tried and failed so many times.

As I entered the room that a ernoon, I tried to sit near the back, but the room wa s smal l, and I couldn't hide. ere were lots of friend l y people w ho welcomed me, and I tr ul y wondered if I had the right room because most of these people looked l ike they'd never had any weight issues, nor would they understand my shame and frustration

I put my food on the scale and have the support and guidance of my sponsor, wonderful meetings to attend, and a large group of caring and supportive FA iends.

I wa s ama zed at w hat I heard that rst meeting when the speaker told her stor y. I was shocked that she had some of the same feelings I had and then, with the direction of FA and a sponsor, she had kept her weight o for years at day, I heard phra ses I'd read in the Big Book, l i ke “half mea sures availed us nothing” and I saw myself. I heard

people say, “ e scale is my friend,” “ You never have to be this weight again,” and more things that gave me hope. at night I walked out the door with hope for a f uture. I found a sponsor immediately She looked like a model and had just lost 100 pounds. I wanted w hat she had and I'm glad my Higher Power led me to FA I have a ne w freedom and a new happiness that is hard to describe, but I'm so gratef ul for all the work that was done before me and the abstinence of those w ho brought the meeting to my communit y so I can now share what ha s so freel y been given to me. Today, I live one day at a time I put my food on the scale and have the support and guidance of my sponsor, wonderf ul meetings to attend, and a large group of caring and supportive FA friends I can openly talk about the challenges in my life and share my joys, too. I weigh bet ween 128-130 pounds and trust that with the help of my Higher Power and the wonderf ul tools of the program, I will continue to live a healthy life and be avai lable to share my experience, strength, and hope with others.

Carla B, Florida, US

Learning to B e Teac hable

Iam tra ining to be a therapist and have been working a lot to accumul ate the hours required for l i censure. I a l so re-

a l ize I w ant to impress my boss, my super-

v i s o r, m y f a m i l y, a n d m y s e l f. C l e a r l y, I

n e e d a p r i o r i t i e s c h e c k . Th a n k Go d t h at

FA p r o v i d e s m e

w i t h g e n t l e w a y s

to c o m e b a c k to

m y s e l f a n d f i n d

t h e p r e c i o u s g i f t

o f h u m i l i t y.

I c a n b e o b t u s e

a n d i ns ens i t i v e i f I

a m t i r e d a n d

s t r e s s e d b y w o r k

d em a n d s a n d s e e-

t h a n s h e co u l d . S h e s a i d t h at i t m i g h t b e

t i m e f o r m e to g et a n o t h er sp o ns o r.

W h en I h e a rd t h o s e wo rd s , I wen t i n to

a p a n i c at t a c k . I d ro p p e d my b e l o n g i n g s ,

s t a r te d h y p e r v e n t i l a t i n g , a n d c r o u c h e d

d o w n s o I w o u l d n ’ t f a l l . My s p o n s o r

ing cl i ent s. Howe ver, my de a r sp onsor ef-

f e c t i v e l y g r a bb e d my at ten t i o n t h e o t h er

d a y. O u r re cen t c a l l s f e l t l i k e c r a m m i n g a round peg into a square hole. She would

s a y t h i n g s l i k e , “ S u s a n , i t ’ s m e h e r e . Yo u know, the one w ho ha s b een w ith you for

s o m a ny y e a r s. ” Bu t I co u l d n ’ t h e a r h er.

At t h e e n d o f a re c e n t FA m e e t i n g w e

b o t h a t te n d e d , m a t te r s c a m e to a h e a d .

A s we w a l k e d to o u r c a r s , I a s k e d i f I h a d

done something w rong or w a s just letting my i ns e c u r i t y g et to m e. S h e re p l i e d t h at may be someone el se could help me more

SUSAN D , CA

c r o u c h e d b e s i d e

m e , h u g g e d m e ,

a n d s p o k e to m e

i n t h e v o i c e t h a t

h a s c o m f o r te d

a n d e n c o u r a g e d

m e f o r e i g h t

y e a r s . T h e

p r o s p e c t o f n o t

h a v i n g m y s p o n -

s o r w a s ter r i f y i n g .

I d i d n ’ t w a n t to g o b a c k to 2 4 / 7 b i n g e i n g

a n d p u r g i n g , s u i c i d e a t te m p t s , m e n t a l

h o sp i t a l s , j a i l , h o m e l e s sn e s s , d r u g a d d i c -

t i o n , a n d a b u s i v e r e l a t i o n s h i p s . I k n o w

my sp o ns o r i s n o t my Hi g h er Po wer, a n d

I h a v e h a d o t h e r s p o n s o r s . B u t t h i s

w o m a n h a s b e e n t h e p e r f e c t c h a n n e l o f

Go d ’ s l o v e a n d w i s d o m to m e.

I a m s o g r ate f u l s h e a l l o we d m e to co n -

t i n u e c a l l i n g at my re g u l a r t i m e. S h e g av e

me some clues a s to w hat I could a sk God

to hel p me cha nge. She s a i d may b e it’s my

a r r o g a n c e b e c a u s e I h a v e a l l t h e s e n e w

to o l s f ro m b e i n g a t h e r a p i s t t r a i n e e a n d

p er h a p s t h at ’ s i n ter f er i n g w i t h m e b e i n g a

l e a r n e r d u r i n g m y c a l l w i t h h e r r a t h e r

t h a n a te a c h e r. A l s o, s h e s u g g e s te d t h a t

my at t i t u d e i s o f f a n d my to n e o f v o i ce i s

n o t s o f t , s w e e t , o r

h u m b l e . O n my FA

o u t r e a c h c a l l s , I

h a v e b e e n a s k i n g

o t h er s f o r f e e d b a c k ,

a n d o n e f e l l o w to l d

m e to w r i te a l e t te r

a b o u t w h a t m y

s p o n s o r ’ s s u g g e s -

t i o n s h av e m e a n t to

m e o v er t h e y e a r s.

S i m p l y p u t , f o l -

l o w i n g my sp o ns o r ’ s

a b o u t e v er y t h i n g a n d t a k i n g a l l t h e s u g-

g e s t i o ns n o m at ter h o w n o ns ens i c a l t h e y

seemed. Al so, I would ne ver be in tra ining

to b e a t h e r a p i s t w i t h o u t FA a n d m y

sp o ns o r. S h e s u p p o r te d m e , en co u r a g e d

I know my sponsor is not my Higher Power, and I have had other sponsors. But this woman has been the perfect channel of God’s love and wisdom to me.

s u g g e s t i o n s h a s m e a n t a b s t i n en c e . I h a d

a lot of brea ks in the beg inning , and to get

a b s t i n e n t , I h a d to c o m m i t to a s k i n g

Notable and Q uotable

No t a b l e a n d Q u o t a b l e i s a n e w

column w ith l ig ht-hear ted and

f u n c o n te n t i n t h e f o r m o f

s h o r t s n i p p e t s a n d o f f e r s m o r e i n te r a c -

t i o n a n d o p p o r t u n i t i e s f o r co n t r i b u t i o ns

f ro m o u r a c t i v e a n d d i v er s e f e l l o w s h i p.

In t h e Ja n u a r y / Feb r u a r y i s s u e we a s k e d

y o u to s en d y o u r i ns i g h t s , t h o u g h t s , a n d

t i d b i t s a b o u t d at i n g / ro m a n ce i n re co v -

er y. Th o s e re sp o ns e s a re b e i n g co m p i l e d

m e , a n d h e l p e d m e

f i l l o u t to n s o f p a -

p e r w o r k o v e r t h e

y e a r s.

I w a n t to m o v e

for w a rd in my sp on-

s o r r e l a t i o n s h i p

w i t h h u m i l i t y a n d

d e e p g r a t i t u d e f o r

t h i s a m a z i n g p r o -

g r a m. FA h a s p u l l e d

m e o f f t h e s t r e e t s

a n d o u t o f i n s t i t u -

t i o ns a n d g i v e s m e a c h a n ce to l i v e a l i f e

t h at m a k e s Go d p ro u d .

S u s a n D. , C a l i f o r nia , U S

f o r a f u t u re i s s u e.

No w we ’ re l o o k i n g f o r a c ro ny ms y o u ’ v e

h e a rd i n re co v er y, l i k e WA I T ( W hy A m

I Ta l k i n g ? ) o r FE A R ( Fu t u re Ev en t s A l -

re a d y R u i n e d ) .

Pl e a s e s en d y o u r f av o r i te a c ro ny ms a n d

a ny a d d i t i o n a l d at i n g / ro m a n ce i n re co v -

e r y s u b m i s s i o n s to a r t i c l e s @ f o o d a d -

d i ct s.org . Ple a se incl ude the letters “N Q”

i n t h e s u b j e c t l i n e.

Worr y ing is Not a S oluti on

As a r e c o v e r i n g f i xe r, m a n a g e r,

a n d co n t ro l l er, I t h o u g h t I h a d

e v er y p o s s i b l e s cen a r i o co v ere d

for my recent c a rd i ac abl ati on pro ced ure.

I h a d m u l t i p l e p l a ns re a d y i n c a s e o f t h e

c ar trouble I “kne w ” would happen on my

t wo-and-a-ha lf-hour

d r i v e to t h e h o s p i -

t a l . B a c k u p p l a n s

were i n p l a ce i n c a s e

a n y t h i n g d i s r u p te d

m y r e s e r v a t i o n f o r

w h ere I wo u l d re c u -

p er ate a f ter t h e o u t-

co v er y i n w ay s I n e v er i m a g i n e d .

Th e c a r r i d e wen t f i n e. No t a b i t o f m e-

c h a n i c a l t r o u b l e , b u t I d i d g e t l o s t . A s

s o m e o n e w h o re l i e s o n p a p e r m a p s a n d road signs, I fa i led to print a l l the route d i-

r e c t i o n s a n d f o u n d m y s e l f c a u g h t i n a n

en d l e s s l o o p o f o n e-

Being in recover y for over 13 years does not mean that

I am not still a drama queen.

p a t i e n t p r o c e d u r e . I p a c k e d e n o u g h

abstinent fo o d to feed a sma l l a rmy. Most

i m p o r t a n t l y, I h a d e v er y i m a g i n a b l e s i t u -

at i o n o f f i c i a l l y c at a l o g e d a n d s u f f i c i en t l y

w o r r i e d a b o u t to c o v e r e v e r y p o s s i b l e

o u tco m e o f t h e p ro ce d u re , i n c l u d i n g my

u n t i m e l y d e a t h a n d r e s u l t i n g f u n e r a l .

B e i n g i n re co v er y f o r o v er 1 3 y e a r s d o e s

n o t m e a n t h a t I a m n o t s t i l l a d r a m a q u e en.

Th e re a l i t y i s t h at n o t o n e o f t h e t h i n g s

I worried about happened. I d id , howe ver, experience compl ic ations. Those compl i-

c a t i o n s r e q u i r e d m e to l e a n i n to m y r e -

w a y s t re e t s . C a l l i n g

f o r h e l p m a d e m e

feel v ul nerable. Ask-

i n g f o r h e l p g o t m e

to my d e s t i n at i o n.

T h e p r o c e d u r e

w e n t o f f w i t h o u t a

h i tc h. It re q u i re d m e to l i e f l at f o r s e v en hours. As my sister went to get the c ar, the

n u r s e s s a t m e u p to g e t d r e s s e d . T h a t i s

w h e n t h e d r a m a s t a r te d to u n f o l d . My prior intermittent bouts of ver tigo kicked

i n w i t h a v e n g e a n c e . It w a s o n e o f t h e

w o r s t a t t a c k s I h a v e e v e r e x p e r i e n c e d .

Wi t h t h e r e l e n t l e s s s p i n n i n g s e n s a t i o n and uncontrol l able nausea , the doctor de-

c i d e d to a d m i t m e . Fr a n k l y, I d o n ’ t r e -

m e m b e r t h i s p a r t . I j u s t r e m e m b e r t h e

b e g i n n i n g o f t h e p ro c e d u re a n d w a k i n g

u p i n t h e I C U 1 2 h o u r s l ater.

Wa k i n g i n t h e I C U, I k n e w I n e e d e d to

c a l l m y s p o n s o r. I c o u l d n ’ t l i f t m y h e a d

a n d I k n e w I w o u l d n ’ t b e a b l e to e a t .

Hearing her voi ce on the other end of the

p h o n e w a s s o c o m -

f o r t i n g . I w a s d a ze d ,

c o n f u s e d , a n d s i c k

to m y s to m a c h a n d

h e r c l a r i t y h e l p e d

m e n a v i g a te t h e e x-

p e r i e n c e a b s t i -

n en t l y. Fo r t wo d ay s

Ev en t u a l l y, I w a s re l e a s e d to t h e c a re o f

m y s i s te r. T h e p l a c e w e r e s e r v e d f o r m y

re co v er y w a s b l e s s e d l y a b l e to e x ten d t h e

I knew negativit y and self-pit y were my enemies, so I turned to making gratitude lists in my head.

I w a s c o n f i n e d to co m p l ete b e d re s t a n d n e e d e d h e l p w i t h

e v er y t h i n g . I w a s n o t em b a r r a s s e d to a s k

f o r t h e h e l p I n e e d e d . W h en I co u l d l i f t

m y h e a d to e a t , t h e h o s p i t a l p r o v i d e d

w o n d e r f u l l y b l a n d , a b s t i n e n t f o o d t h a t

h e l p e d s u s t a i n m y

b o d y.

For my t wo d ays in

t h e I C U, I t u r n e d to

m y Hi g h e r Po w e r.

No T V , n o d i s t r a c -

t i o n s , j u s t G o d . I

kne w negati v it y a nd self-pit y were my en-

emi es, so I turned to

m a k i n g g r a t i t u d e

d ro v e my c a r h o m e.

ren t a l p er i o d s i n ce I

n e e d e d m o r e t i m e

to a d j u s t to n e w

m e d i c a t i o n s . T h e

l o n g d r i v e h o m e

w a s u n t h i n k a b l e , s o

t w o FA m e m b e r s

f rom my hometow n

p i c k e d m e u p a n d

T h e d r a m a d i d n o t e n d t h e r e . O n c e

h o m e , I e x p e r i e n c e d a n o t h e r m e d i c a l

compl i c ati on, a nd a n FA fel low w a s there

at 5 : 1 5 A M to h e l p m e t h ro u g h i t . I w a s

My Higher Power, sponsor, and FA fellows were all solutions to problems I didn’t know I would have.

Worr ying is not a solution.

l i s t s i n my h e a d . I h a d s o m u c h f o r w h i c h

to b e g r ate f u l . I w a s s a f e , re ce i v i n g e xce l -

l en t c a re , a n d h a d m em b er s o f FA to c a l l

i n t h o s e m o m en t s w h en I n e e d e d to h e a r

a f r i en d l y v o i ce.

c arried throug h that

v er y l o n g we e k w i t h

a l o t o f s u p p o r t . My

Hi g h e r Po w e r,

sp o ns o r, a n d FA f e l -

l o w s w e r e a l l s o l u -

t i o n s to p r o b l e m s I

d i d n ’ t k n o w I wo u l d

h a v e . T h i s e x p e r i -

en ce h e l p e d m e u n -

d e r s t a n d t h a t m y

re co v er y h a p p ens i n re a l - t i m e. Wo r r y i n g

i s n o t a s o l u t i o n. Da i l y us e o f t h e to o l s o f

FA p re p a re d m e to h av e a “ Pl a n B” t h at I

n e v er k n e w I wo u l d n e e d .

Peg g y W. , Ke n t uck y, U S

SUSANLORRAINE M , CA

Kno c ked Into S ense

When I came to FA, my le foot was in a cast. I was physically uncomfortable and feeling

ver y sorr y for myself. I was morbidly obese at 218 pounds on a 5-foot, 3-inch frame. I couldn’t stop eating.

FA members o ered me rides to meetings.

During my second week in FA, I was a passenger in a car headed to our local meeting when we were rear-ended on the highway. Walking from the parking lot to the meeting, which was in a hospital, my sponsor asked me what was wrong and o ered to take me to the

emergenc y room. All I wanted was to go home.

On my next sponsor call, I listed all the reasons why I couldn’t do the program. I was in pain, I was dizzy, and I couldn’t even walk up a ight of stairs. She kindly listened to me for about 14 of the 15 minutes allotted for my call. Finally, she said, “ Well, if you can tell me how our, sugar, or quantities of food can help, then you don’t have to do the program. If you can ’ t, call me tomorrow morning.” e next morning, I called her.

Anna P., Mar yland, US

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the di erence.