The Epiphany Issue 2015 by Floreat Castellum

FLOREAT

The Epiphany Issue

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CONTENTS 2 5 8 10 14 17 24 28 29 32 36 38 40 42 45 46 48

Castle’s Next Top Model Top Twitter Chat Halfway Hall Highlights Living the Disney Life ‘Bury Me With A Rugby Ball’ Cards Against Castle Six Degrees of Summative Season Castle Awards Superior Subtitles JCR Newsboard Canvassing Craic Shatfield College Vices The London Marathon 2015 50/50 Shades of Grey Gossip Girl The Back Page

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CASTLE’S NEXT TOP MODEL Full of, mad hats, cool cats grinning from ear to ear and outfits made for a Queen, Castle Charity Fashion Show 2015 was certainly an evening not to be missed. Floreat searches down the rabbit hole to discover more about some of the evening’s top models. This event is a prestigious display of Castle’s finest talent. What made you decide to audition? It's excellent exposure for those back on the market. Have you been preparing your body for the evening? If so, how? Switched to 'I can't believe it's not butter'. Which walk are you most looking forward to, and why? Through the rabbit hole, the theme is great!! What’s been your favourite moment of being involved in the show so far? Watching G. Winstanley flourish in his ultimate environment. Who’s your secret crush out of the other models? Why? Magnus Pierre but it's not really a secret. 2

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floreatCastellum Diego Gouveia Have you been preparing your body for the evening? If so, how? I’ve always been quite sporty throughout my life (like most Brazilians), but as surfing is definitely not an option in the UK, I’ve contented myself to swimming and some weight lifting too! Which walk are you most looking forward to, and why? ‘Advice from a caterpillar’ is what I’m most looking forward to. The idea seems pretty unique and I think the stylists will really be able to flare their talents with this idea. What’s been your favourite moment of being involved in the show so far? I really enjoyed the video-shoot. It was really fun being in it and I think the final video will be quite funny. Who’s your secret crush out of the other models? Why? It would have to be Ed Firth – he can really walk like a pro. We’re lucky to have him!

Rosie Slee This event is a prestigious display of Castle’s finest talent. What made you decide to audition? I thought it'd be a great thing to get involved with, have some laughs along the way and all in the name of charity. Have you been preparing your body for the evening? If so, how? I've been following a strict regime of college meals, at least 4 varieties of fried potato per day. 3

floreatCastellum Which walk are you most looking forward to, and why? Really looking forward to the swimwear walk, all the girls are amazing and we've got some really cool pieces to show off. Who’s your secret crush out of the other models? Why? Victor Autonell. We've all seen the UCBC calendar photo, need I say more?

Magnus Pierre This event is a prestigious display of Castle’s finest talent. What made you decide to audition? I want to go down the professional (hand) modelling route. Always good to apply with previous experience. Have you been preparing your body for the evening? If so, how? Yeah I have been actually!!!! Been going to the Radisson during the first few weeks this term but the steam room is too good. I now just go straight there instead of the gym. Which walk are you most looking forward to, and why? Do you think I have a clue of what's going on? What’s been your favourite moment of being involved in the show so far? I enjoyed running around as a bunny who was late for something for the promo video. Turns out I was 20 mins late for my Labs while shooting that (how ironic eh). Who’s your secret crush out of the other models? Why? Emily. It's as simple as that. No hesitation. I'd smear her in green paint and spank her like a disobedient avocado. 4

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Castle’s Top Twitter Chat Twitter is the gateway to your soul, revealing your true 140 character feelings. Urban dictionary defines Twitter as “A stupid site for stupid people with no friends, who think everyone else gives a shit about what they’re doing at any given time”. On that note, let’s see what these tweets reveal about some of college’s most character-savvy legends. In the words of 50 cent: take me to the Toastie bar. However these pun-tastic tweets could make even the most cringe-worthy Twitterer blush.

Here we see the birth of a wannabe BNOC, the Gretchen Wieners of Castle: Archie Balfour.

floreatCastellum Woah, calm down there Reeve, if you don’t stop with all this strenuous physical activity you are going to end up looking like The Rock.

Senior Man, asserting his authority through the important things in life.

Ladies, line up, we found the last standing gentleman on earth.

Rubini’s diplomatic posts demonstrate his commitment to the cause. #wearfriendsreally

Rex better be careful of that sass. Bryson is watching.

floreatCastellum Matt Hoser reveals his true sexuality: footbasexual. Good for you Matt, we are proud.

It’s good to see that Castlemen have their priorities straight.

Meanwhile, unexplainable chaos ensued at UCDC’s wildest social yet.

For some Castlemen, it’s just a constant uphill struggle.

Finally, this social media platform often witnesses the most poetic of similes for us to ponder in self-reflection 7

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Halfway Hall Highlights Halfway Hall, for many, was a wonderfully successful haze of cake, cheese and French euphoria. But behind the photo-booths, the bands and the caricatures, the Ents and Tech team were working tirelessly to turn Castle into France on the eve of the revolution. Callie Foreman gives Floreat her highlights of the day’s events.

Preparing for a ball takes months of planning and a few weeks of incredibly intense preparation. However, buying cable ties, rope and tape on the day of Halfway Hall - unfortunately also the day 50 Shades of Grey was released – was not what I envisioned preparing for the ball would be like. Arriving at college at 10am, carrying ten packets of cream crackers and two bins, I could tell the day was going to be a success. The day did not start off well, however, as even Charli Adams and Summer Burton-Morgan climbing a ladder, which was essential for hanging the fabric in the hall, became a problem.The porters needed full clarification of our Ents status; the key to unlocking ladder privileges. A few hours later, after several debates about whether the fabric should go green-white-pink or pink-white-green (there is a difference I swear), I had the final task of meeting Café Continental and carrying in the cake. Stupidly, I did not realise that helping to carry in the cake would mean that I only had 40 8

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minutes to get ready before the drinks reception. Not so stupidly, I had brought my dress to college and whilst I needed a good ten minutes to recover from running up Norman Gallery stairs, I was still – by some miracle – ready in time and was almost first in line for the photos in the SCR, an achievement if ever there was one. Thankfully Tara and I said our thank-yous before the meal so I was able to fully appreciate my bottle of wine without fearing I would make a fool of myself later. I probably still made a fool of myself but at least it wasn’t because of my slurring speech. Charli Adams and George Rexstrew gave a fantastic speech; emotional enough that I teared up but funny enough that it didn’t escalate into full-blown sobs. The rest of the night is a blur. I seemed to forget that I’d already had 2 glasses of champagne and a bottle of wine and demanded college family jaeger bombs. The cheese board was outstanding (my favourite part was obviously the excess of cream crackers) and the caricaturist wasn’t nearly flattering enough. I ended the night chasing one of the DJ’s around the hall because he had stolen my bag. The only negative I can think of is that the cake I had saved behind the Toastie Bar had been given away, but I suppose nothing’s perfect *sobs quietly while thinking about red velvet cake*. 9

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LIVING THE DISNEY LIFE Living in Castle can often feel like living in a real life fairy-tale. That is, if fairy-tales included catastrophic hangovers from hell, summative stress and a Moatside that doesn’t even vaguely live up to its name sake. However, Floreat believe that dreams can still come true and have discovered that many Disney Heroes, Princesses and other much loved characters or, at least, their look-alikes, could be hiding within the Castle walls.

Kath Patel / Jasmine 10

Charlie Stubbings / The Frog

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Kirby and Kempy / Lady and the Tramp

The Hunters from Bambi

Sam Packham / Prince Phillip

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Shona Graham / Tinkerbell

Jon Hook / Captain Hook

Lizzie Riley / Ariel

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Abbie Jupp / The Wicked Queen from Snow White

Dumbo / Will Smith 13

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‘Bury Me With a Rugby Ball’ Castle’s DU Heroes Whether it’s Football or Ultimate Frisbee, Rugby or Rowing, Castle is renowned for its high performance across many different collegiate sports. However, we often forget to acknowledge Castlemen contributing to University level sport. But is the life of a DU athlete all glamour and glitz? Tom Weedon Sport: Football 1sts, played for DU for two years. Best memory: Scoring my first goal for the club against Bath 1sts last week. Weirdest memory: Seeing one of the boys trialling for DU lick a window of a shop on North Road from pane to pane. Ian McGhee Sport: Men’s Lacrosse, played for DU for two years. Best memory: Being unbeaten for the whole of this season. Worst memory: Being hit in the balls by a lacrosse stick during a game, which is incredibly painful. 14

floreatCastellum Lucy Miller Sport: Gymnastics, on and off since the age of 4, and for DU last year. Best memory: Secretly perfecting my handspring for weeks before surprising my coach. Most embarrassing moment: Forgetting to jump after a round-off and having to get up to face the judges. Becky Home Sport: Swimming, generally since the age of 8, and for DU this year. Best memory: Competing at Long Course BUCS Nationals this year. Weirdest memory: Betting my guy friend that I could beat him in a 25m swimming race (which I won). As a forfeit he had to wear my old school skirt on muck up day!

Amy Graham Sport: Lacrosse 1sts, playing for DU and Scotland. Best memory: Winning the BUCS finals and the following celebrations. Most embarrassing memory: Scoring a goal for England while playing for Scotland.

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George Lodwick Sport: Polo, for the Beaufort Polo Club for 4 years and this year for DU, as it’s only just been ratified. Best memory: Winning my division at the Polo Club Polo National Championships for the Beaufort after an almost unbeaten season.

Eve Smith

Weirdest memory: I was training at the Beaufort on the same day Prince Harry was there, and by mistake rode through the area where his horses were being saddled up. I was very rapidly escorted out of the area by his security team in front of the entire club. Not an ideal way to make the Prince's acquaintance!!

Sport: Sailing, at home in Norfolk since the age of 10 and for DU for 2 years. Best memory: Winning a race against Sheffield Hallam despite all 6 team members being asleep and unbelievably hungover in the club house when the minute warning went off. Worst memory: Either thinking I would get whole body frostbite after capsizing in first year, or dealing with the aftermath of a messy social at Chads! Toby Atkinson-Coyle Sport: Rugby, since the age of 6, this year for DURFC. Best memory: Playing for Wasps U18 Academy against England U17 and smashing them into oblivion. Most embarrassing memory: When I was about 12 trialling for Middlesex County I was tackled so hard that I ended up shitting myself. Nevertheless I proceeded to play on and managed to make the squad! 16

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Cards Against Castle Do you know the rules of the game? It would be rude not to. 8 questions, 32 answers, 4 players. Come up with the funniest or most offensive answers you can. Go.

Who/what was David Held caught on Castle’s roof with?

Please can I have ________ and ________ in my toastie?

…And the replacement for the ‘Senior Man’ title is _______.

Why is there blood everywhere?

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What was the crucial factor in the Exec elections?

Is that a ________ under your gown or are you just pleased to see me?

What is Eva Schumacher-Reid’s worst nightmare?

Why didn’t Mike Bedigan survive June Ball?

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The ghost of Colin the Porter.

Henry Winlow’s collection of topless selfies.

A Smenergy.

Sass Jones’ resting bitch face.

Julian Curl James.

Dickie’s Grindr profile.

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The Klute toilets.

Jess Christy punching a kitten.

Hatfield.

White privilege.

Mark Brownson’s shotgun.

Revd. Hannah Cleugh’s collection of Bible fanfiction.

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Ladies Soc.

University College Feminists.

Troll in the dungeon.

College potatoes.

Cultural appropriation formal.

Durham TAB Editor Ollie Burrows.

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EY internship.

Jonathan Whittaker embezzling CCA funds.

St John Featherby.

Castle vs. Hatfield erg challenge.

CTC tour.

The Black Stairs collapsing.

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Stockton students.

Going up the Cathedral Tower before graduation.

That book in the Lowe, you know the one.

Windy gap.

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6 Degrees of Summative Season

The library has become ‘the place to be’. 3rd years are beginning to have the crazy eye and eyebags are seemingly more in fashion. Yep you’ve guessed it, it’s SUMMATIVE SEASON. And I, your Summie Fairy am here to help you survive the Apoca-Summie-lypse. I’m going to use the following six stages to guide you through the dreaded season.

1. SHOCK and DENIAL Your initial reaction will be one, undoubtedly, of numbed disbelief- you thought summie season was still 2 weeks away? Knock knock, Who’s that? summative season Oh fuck…. You may also deny the reality of summie season (because if you ignore it, it’s not happening). WHAT TO DO: If you are still in this stage you need to get out of the metaphorical bed of denial, put on your fluffy bunny shoes of reality and brush your teeth with some motivational toothpaste. Today is the day you accept that summative season is happening whether you want it to or not.

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2. PAIN and GUILT As the shock wears off, it is replaced with suffering and unbelievable pain; looking at your deadlines on DUO. Don’t hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or Klute. You may also experience guilt over how much time you wasted. Your professor gave you 4 weeks, 3 of which are gone… you dumb bitch. WHAT TO DO: Calm down. You still have time, lots of it. There are 24 hours in a day, so in a week that’s a lot of hours (I’m not good at math). Organize your life and try to take breaks, or else the stress will get to you and boom, before you know it we are back to square one.

3. STRESS Stress leads to anger, and you may lash out on some slightly noisy fresher’s in the library (fucking freshers) or get angry with those who have already finished their summatives. Control this, or else you will become known as the College Grinch. Just laugh at their naivety instead. WHAT TO DO: You gotta de-stress. Take a nap (my personal favorite). Go to the gym- work off some of that anger like a real manly man or femalely female. Scream into a pillow. Watch a 15 minute compilation video of dumb animals on Youtube. Have a night in with your bromigos, play charades or bananagrams.

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4. PROCRASTINATION How do you know when you have hit by the wall of procrastination? Have you cleaned your room more than once today, spent seven hours on Facebook checking up on your friends and created 4 study playlists today alone? Alas you have hit the wall. Hard. WHAT TO DO: Get it out of your system. Clean your room 5 times and then get down to business. So you spend the whole day procrastinating and lost one day of work- “oh my gawd summative fairy your advice was dumb”. WOAH, Woah, woah, this just means that tomorrow you will sit down and work in the morning because you know that you did a bad thing, and you will feel like you wasted a day, making you more determined not to waste another. #yourewelcome #procrastinateaway

5. PRODUCTIVITY Congrats bae! You have now started your summatives. However, don’t lose momentum halfway or run out of brain juice. In simpler terms: DON’T GET DISTRACTED! WHAT TO DO: Earphones and a nature soundtrack (or the Lord of the Rings soundtrack- just saying) are your two best friends. Also, sugarplum, put your phone away. You know you want to be in on the goss and any chance at escaping the library for a ‘quick’ trip to tesco is considered a salvation. Don’t allow yourself to be tempted by the dark side.

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6. POSITIVITY There is only one stage left to conquer… remaining positive. It’s all about avoiding the summie blues and falling into a pattern of unhappiness and lack of productivity due to moping.

WHAT TO DO: Now if you are feeling a little down or slightly overworked, I have just the thing to put a smile on your face….

For best effect cut this out and put it on your wall, so he can smile at you everyday

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Castle Academy of Banter and Talent Awards As the film awards season finally draws to a close, we at Floreat thought that it would be apt to celebrate or own college success by giving out some awards of our own. Who needs the BAFTAs when you could be awarded with a CABTA. The Most Outstanding Contribution to Castle Freshers 2014-2015: Joe Boyd-Morritt – “The CABTA’s? Sorry mate, I haven’t seen it.” Best New Couple: Tabby Boyd and Alex Demidov – We know she’s not in it for the DemiDolla. Apparently. Most inevitable hook up/relationship: Paddy Edmondes and Helen Bradbrook – It was only a matter of time. College Perseverance Award: Jake Hibbert – “Rate me out of 10… No, I know I’m a 7, I see it in your eyes.” Most Formally Tragic: Ben Gilbey – Once seen it can never be unseen. Best College Contribution to the Lonely Hearts Club: Laurence Holmes-Smith – “You watched fifty shades on your own, went home and had a bottle of red wine and then went straight to bed.” “One of the best evenings I’ve ever had this year.” Best Animated Short: Clare Schwartzberg – “I’m not enthusiastic, I’m just Canadian.” Best Soundtrack: Tom Hill and Oscar Koronka – Continually committed to providing the perfect soundtrack for a casual Monday night pint. Most Contemplative and Thoughtful Member of the JCR Award: George Lodwick – The picture says it all.

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SUPERIOR S E L T I T B U S This year’s JCR elections have seen dedicated and enthusiastic candidates give their all to try and gain student support and express their desires to have college life changed for the better. Their 1 minute election videos are naturally seen as perfect way to do this. However, a certain member of Floreat realised that YouTube’s subtitle function may be conspiring against some of the exec candidates, changing their video into an unexpected comedy gold mine.

‘Hi, I’m Will, a second year Philosophy student…’ I’m glad to know you’re enjoying the second floor so much, Will, that’s good news…

‘By working with the DSU Finance Committee. I would also work with Pres Comm to make…’ Well that financial planning is much less sensible… 29

floreatCastellum ‘To reach those who have some very well-established viewpoints…’ Are you in on Christy’s house plan, Hill? I sense conspiracy…

‘Speaking to many of you throughout the week and hearing your ideas about college…’ I hope you’re in on the house plan, because this is certainly no way to fund formal…

‘Work in a managerial role in terms of running the welfare team…’ Good to know that we have your pity, HHS, that’ll come in handy…

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‘Because I’m really easy to talk to and I’m very approachable and…’ Critical? Great. They normally slurp that up in welfare.

‘Work alongside the Treasurer to manage their internal accounts…’ As subtitle errors go, that’s a pretty unfortunate one…

‘Castle, maintaining the traditionally Castle events like EY formal…’ Sooooooo baxaaaayyyyy

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Senior Man Flic Burgess Welfare Officer Barnaby Hodgkins

I just want the title. Aims: (i) limit the amount of annoying input/ poor chat on the college Facebook page. (ii) organise regular post rugby, personal welfare sessions in Nandos. Experience: Bar, Rugby, Nandos. Personally I believe that the welfare of the Welfare Officer should take priority. Pro me solum.

JCR NEWSBOARD 32

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Development Officer Clare Schwartzberg The role of VDO can be put into 2 categories mmkay: I don't really wanna do much work but I would really like a room on NG mmkay so I think this role is probably perfect for me. I'm like totally great fun so I would totally make Fresher's week like great fun too! Attributes: College Cheer (give me a V-D-O amiright?!) I sleep in till like 2 everyday. Multiple 'baes' Canada I'm also not really sure what this whole exec thing is, but if you could all vote for me that would be totally chill!

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Technical Director Mike Horsey

Services Manager Charlotte Varela

What I will bring to the role of technical director:

I realise that as a fresher, I may be at a disadvantage in terms of experience. However I am fully competent and capable of providing any services to all members of the JCR... any services.

Experience in handling very expensive technical equipment. I work with absolute tools.

Involvements: A regular spot in Gossip Girl. Co-founder of Castle societies.

Prom Qu een Krassi Petr ova

Vote for me lo

sers.

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Treasurer Lydia Reid

What I would bring to the role of treasurer: I saw a cloud that looked like the number 8 yesterday. My first pet cat was called ‘treasure’. My second pet cat was called ‘rrrrrr’. My favourite colour is shiny.

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Canvassing Craic

Since everyone living in quickly grew tired of those pesky exec candidates knocking on their doors, and whilst livers out were feeling more and more like the middle child of college, it is easy to forget that the candidates got through 100’s of Castlemen’s rooms. It’s fair to say they saw Castle in all its glory... Since everyone living in quickly grew tired of those pesky exec candidates knocking on their doors, and whilst livers out were feeling more and more like the middle child of college, it is easy to forget that the candidates got through 100’s of Castlemen’s rooms. It’s fair to say they saw Castle in all its glory... One candidate walked in on another potential exec member wearing a dress; at least his girlfriend was Keeping him company. Whatever Will he do next? On the final day of canvassing, one liver in wanted to avoid speaking to a canvasser so badly that they said they’d already voted, in the election which wasn’t open until the next evening. One canvasser bonded with a liver in over their mutual love of a particular lecturer - we’ve all been there. Some livers in might not be completely aware of the lack of soundproofing in Castle’s accommodation, whereupon one canvasser overheard someone tell their roommate, “Ah, you’re so lucky, you just missed the canvasser.” Canvassers have feelings too, guys. An impressive effort was observed by one canvasser who saw a castlewoman using hair straighteners to iron her dress before formal. You go girl. And finally, when this happened... 36

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Just 100 yards from Durham Cathedral. Shaheens Indian Restaurant is a jewel in the crown of Durham City restaurants. Combining authentic Indian recipes with fresh, local produce and never using artificial ingredients, Shaheens produce delectable food that will soothe any pallet and not break the bank. Established over 30 years and located in the historic North Bailey of Durham, Shaheen's are open 5pm until late. Booking is always advised to avoid disappointment. We look forward to seeing you soon! The Old Post Office, 48 North Bailey, Durham, DH1 3ET Russell Crowe went here. So should you!

Tel: 0191 3860960

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College Vices Lent can be both a rewarding and challenging time for controlling our worst vices. Whether you’re keeping Lent for self-reflection or using the next few weeks to ditch the potato induced pounds or restore your modesty, the vice of choice can make or break your period of abstinence. But we at Floreat believe that many Castlemen have missed valuable opportunities to give up their most prolific passions and obsessions.

Castle, as a college, does not readily accommodate for edge. An indie persona, although healthy in moderation, can be a lot for our established social construct to handle. St John Featherby’s dedication to earrings and Poncho’s, although channelling the Hild Bede vibe, may be a passion to consider for this season of Lent. Castle can only handle so much. One of the main perks of living in the Castle is the ability to rock up to breakfast in interesting attire. However, wearing flipflops in the winter must be questionable. Winlow should perhaps give up on his hopes of flipflop glory to save his toes and avoid getting cold feet. We all have our food loves and odd cravings. But there are definitely limits. Being able to add coleslaw to every meal is both impressive and disturbing. Tom Priestner should perhaps attempt to improve his self-restraint during the next few weeks by controlling his love of carrots, onions and fuck loads of mayonnaise. 40

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Some people are so dedicated to college that not even hundreds of miles and a career in a recruitment firm can stop them from seeking Floreat fame. Perhaps fasting from JCR involvement could allow Joel Holford the timeo focus on his career, responsibility and settling down. No one loves a selfie more than Castle’s self-proclaimed “King of the Camera” Jimmy Lee. But perhaps for this period of abstention he could try and curb the love for his own go-pro stick for a while. Love can be a very complex thing and a certain Twomlow’s tendencies for toy-boys may have to be controlled in this period of summatives and Lent. Sadly, that’s amore. Beverages are a vice that many attempt to fight against during Lent. But after a bomb squad drill, we advise that one particular Firth stays away from a mixture of energy drinks and liqueurs for the time being. Using Paint to super-impose amusing and relevant text onto iconic photos and movie screen shots has become a much loved activity for many since the rise of “Facebook legend” status. However, perhaps Nick Edwards and his team could use this period of Lent to refine their advertisement campaign and avoid the temptation of memes. One Floreat member believes that in this season of fasting, Castle as a whole should abstain from one of its biggest vices; stash. “We are starting to look like a cult and are also starting to all smell a little”. The ladies of Castle may be particularly interested to hear Floreat’s plans for Chris Silberberg’s abstention. Castlemen can only but imagine what lies beneath those calf length socks. Giving off an air of torment and mysteriousness, perhaps on the run up to Easter it is finally time for Chris to avoid the temptation of the sock and give the ladies what they’ve been waiting for.

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THE LONDON MARATHON 2015: The Castlemens’ Guide "It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud." – Unknown This April, two of Castle’s finest ever athletes, Laurence ‘Paula’ Holmes-Smith & Will ‘Young Farah’ Throp, will be running the London Marathon in a bid to ruin their bodies and raise money for charity. Floreat correspondent Mo Farah has spoken to the two young Kenyans in order to find out how their intensive training programmes are going. Firstly, guys, how is training going? L: Hi, Mo, lovely to speak to you, love what you did in 2012. Personally, I don’t think it’s a question of how training is going now, but how our lives have been building up to this point. I feel like I have been preparing for the marathon my whole life; growing up in East Africa alongside all my running heroes has really prepared me well, and in the Durham environment the stacked Geordie airheads of Freemans Quay continue to inspire me to reach the pinnacle of physical condition. I’ve been speaking to Kelly Holmes and the gang at GB Athletics and getting a few last minute tips. I just hope Will isn’t too intimidated by my illustrious history as a runner. W: Look at him, the man is a machine. Lean. Lusty. Laurence. Says it all really… The training is going well, I’m really enjoying it actually! People always say to me, “Young Farah, what are you thinking about when you are running?” I smile. The sheer fact that the question must be asked is indicative of the irreducible loneliness of the soul. My reply is always the same - the reality is that when training for something like this, consciousness must come second to nature. When I run, I am the wind. I am the fire and the brimstone and the accumulation of all the elemental forces of the earth. I am no longer Young Farah. I am Man Running. And I run hard. 42

floreatCastellum What is the hardest thing about training for the marathon? L: Personally I find eating well is the most difficult thing about the marathon training process. North East England is unfortunately not known for its Californian diets or NutriBullets: the proximity of the Pity Me McDonalds is also a difficult obstacle in the path to greatness. I guess it’s just a question of fuelling the #Gains without overrunning and having a runner bean body. W: Time. And the balancing thereof. Sometimes, university can feel a bit like spinning plates - you’ve got to keep them all spinning or else you’ll have a lot of smashed plates, and your Grandmother will be upset with you for ruining her best plates. I say to my Grandmother, “Maybe the problem lies not with the spinning, but with the plates.” What words consider to inspire you? L: Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. W: When the seagulls follow the trawler, it is because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea.

floreatCastellum Who is your sporting hero? L: Besides the gargantuan efforts of our fellow 2nd year Freddie Woodruff in Lumley chunder-gate during first year, I would have to say David Beckham… Watching his final game in professional football for PSG still brings tears to my eyes. Tears of joy. Tears of love. Long live the King. W: I’m going to say Shane Warne. I mean, how can one fail to be aroused? I think about my ultimate wish list for the man of my dreams, and I can’t look further than Shane. Australian? Check. Morally questionable? Double check. The greatest spin bowler in the history of the game? The question doesn’t warrant an answer. Which charity are you running for? L: I will be running in aid of Scope UK, a charity that works with more than a quarter of a million disabled people and their families every year to improve opportunities for the disabled. As someone whose family is affected by Multiple Sclerosis (MS), I am particularly passionate about this charity and the work it does to help so many. W: I’m running the marathon for Children with Cancer UK. They’re an unbelievable charity that does incredible work every year for those children and young people who wake up to the terrible news that they have been diagnosed with cancer. We joke about the marathon, and it’s highly likely that on 26th April, Lawrence and I will be in quite a lot of pain. But that simply does not compare to what these people are going through, and anything you can give to help them out will be so greatly appreciated. Thanks. Odds: Laurence to win the London Marathon: 5/1 Will to win the London Marathon: 3/1 Mo Farah to win the London Marathon: 500/1 Laurence/Will to recreate Freddie Woodruff’s Lumley finale: 3/1 Will to dance his way over the finish line: Evens Piss stop on the side of The Mall a la Radcliffe: 6/1 http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/LaurenceHS http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/WillThrop 44

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50/50 Shades of Grey Has Fifty Shades of Grey divided opinion due to its explicit scenes and dark undertones? Or can we all agree it was just a bit shit. Two Castlemen give their thoughts on the most talked about movie since the last one. The Fifty Shades of Grey books are Twilight fan-fiction. “What be ‘fan-fiction’?” I hear the sheltered amongst us ask. Fan-fiction is what people write to sex up popular books and films, and that’s just what Fifty Shades is. This is the only element of the film which offers any depth; Ana constantly biting her lips (Kristen Stewart reference) and the references to Grey’s “insatiable hunger” (substitute Bella’s blood for vanilla BDSM). Beyond this, there is nothing in the film of interest. I have heard people say that Fifty Shades is the sort of book Robin Thicke would write if he were literate; it is painfully bland whilst somehow still managing to be utterly detrimental for the entirety of mankind. The film is only minimally disturbing, but the franchise dangerously romanticises abusive relationships (I am not conflating BDSM with abuse, rather just pointing out that Grey is actually terrifyingly controlling). I regret spending my hard earned student loan on this unsatisfying cinematic disaster. I sat in excitement and anticipation to watch one of the most hotly anticipated films of the year. I was looking forward to witnessing Mr Grey in full surround sound high definition. And then the film started. The plot line is uninspiring, unless you have a tendency to shop in the back section of Ann Summers and are the proud partner of a particularly willing female. My highlight of the evening was the hilarious realisation that Laurence Holmes-Smith had gone to see it on his own, on Valentine’s Day, to be told by a local “You’ve picked the wrong film to go to solo love”. It is unsurprising that Jamie Dornan’s wife is refusing to see the film. Watching your husband go down on another woman on the big screen isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. However, the movie is far less raunchy than the book. Call me old fashioned, but being smacked like a horse just doesn’t really do it for me.

floreatCastellum Dear Ladies and Gentlemen of Castle, Term is almost at an end and summative season is well and truly upon us, but luckily for me this doesn’t seem to have lessened your appetite for scandal and I’ve been well and truly overwhelmed with your saucy stories. A special mention goes out to a certain fresher who submitted his first piece of gossip this issue – oh what an excellent tip it was – and who has finally given in to the dark side and admitted that it feels good to be bad. I encourage you all to follow his example; we’ve still got a few weeks left of term, which is plenty of time for you to live out your naughtiest nightmares and become the titillating topic on everyone’s lips. As the Easter holidays approach, so does exam season, and here is my top tip for success in your revision over the holidays: make sure you take plenty of breaks. I would hate it if you all returned exhausted from a hard few weeks of studying and were unable to meet my expectations for scandal after exams are over. As for me, I’ll be having a relaxing holiday, but don’t think I won’t be keeping up to date on all your scandalous secrets - when the cat’s away the mice will play, and I am just dying to hear about all your naughty little games. You know you love me, XOXO

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floreat Castellum For some people this year’s Halfway Hall needed something a bit Moore special than a cheese table. Two freshers were spotted sneaking towards TFL for midnight tryst. Unfortunately one of them could not handle the combination of cake and alcohol and suddenly found herself as sick as a Horse, putting a swift end to any hope of opening more than just books in her restricted section. cAn(na) you believe how early this third year has started gold rush? She showed serious dedication to her work by not even leaving Minstrels before getting a Han-dful of one fresher, but was obviously not that interestEd as she was spotted in Wiff Waff soon after in the arms of another. I’m not sure if her interest in the first years is a comment on the quality of the fresher boys or simply the fact that they’re fresh meat? Boy-oh-Boy(ce)! This fresher girl had an absolute mare after drunkenly taking the phrase ‘cock-munching’ a bit too literally and then passing out in a Moatside room that certainLee did not belong to her. I think we should give her the Ben-efit of the doubt and assume that she’d had one too many quaddies. If a friend has been kind enough to lend you her room to have sex in surely you should provide the condoms? Or at least clean up afterwards? One S(h)infully shameless fresher clearly isn’t aware of this common courtesy, or of the new fine for leaving ‘bodily fluids’ in college bins – I hope he’s at least replenished her stock of johnnies. For the chosen few who have had the good fortune to live within the castle walls, a drunken interaction with the porters as you attempt to discreetly complete the stride of pride is not unusual. However for one fresher the night before was a complete blur, which explains why she couldn’t understand the reason for the porters’ highly amused (L)aura the next morning. A piece of advice for the future: either go back to your own room or pick someone who won’t kick you out of bed at 3am. Valentine’s Day is supposed to be a day when love is in full Bloom, however this second year found himself newly single after his S.O. accused him of loving darts more than her. I’m sure if she ever thought there would be a third party in her relationship she didn’t think it would be the darts team. I would advise him not to be too heartbroken though, she was from Jo-Bo after all.

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The Back Page Shit My Housemates Say: ‘I wouldn’t prostitute myself for money, but I would for pizza.’ ‘I spared you an average fuck.’ ‘The Royal Family are just glorified Kardashians anyway.’ ‘I was really upset because Tesco had no truffle oil.’ ‘I really like white trousers on girls.’ ‘Yeah, especially if they’re leather.’ ‘He was just oozing political spectrum.’ ‘My Dad used to eat dog treats.’ ‘Pandas aren’t real animals, they’re Chinese children dressed up in panda suits because all the pandas were killed off years ago.’ ‘So pot brownies aren’t brownies you cook in a pot?’ ‘He’s an asshole, but in a good way.’ ‘You were much prettier when I first met you.’ ‘You’re not asthmatic. It doesn’t exist. It’s an excuse for being unfit.’ ‘Do you ever meet someone’s parents and just think, well they’re a bit shit.’ ‘I didn’t know sprouts were a vegetable on their own, I thought they were just baby cabbages.’

THIS ISSUE WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY: Mike Bedigan, Jess Christy, Fraser Desforges-Medhurst, Scarlett Down, Celia Durkan, Callie Foreman, GG, Laurence Holmes-Smith, Dom Humphrey, Katherine Hurst, Charlotte Spence, Will Throp, Isaac Turner, Maddy Vincent, Harriet Walsh, Sarah Westlake, and Natasha Yadav. 48

"The key to good eavesdropping is not getting caught" - Lemony Snicket