FRONT COVER
editors' letter Hello to all, We hope that the Epiphany term has been fruitful, in both the academic and personal sense. We would firstly like to apologise for the incredible lateness of the issue. In this new world we live in- post-Trump, postBrexit, post-truth, post-sabbatical officer- it seems not even the hallowed grounds of Floreat is exempt from the bureaucratic and administrative difficulties of life. As a result, we present an issue with several out of date articles, which we won’t even pretend are relatively relevant to future events. We therefore hope that you all treat the Ski Trip round-up and the guide to the Super Bowl as extremely prompt articles for their 2018 counterparts: you can never prepare too early. As dissertation deadlines loom, and exam season seems impossibly close, Castle is still enjoying itself… The Bar Committee managed to cram into one room as many big Castle names as humanly possible, which Señor
Laurence HS
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Sarah Westlake
Bedigan the Elder will reflect upon in his round-up article. Do not forget, in this academic frenzy, that there is still fun to be had. The comeback of Loveshack Wednesdays certainly looks to heighten the possibilities on a Wednesday night in this respect, and Gossip Girl has provided a saucy selection of this term’s naughtiness, to which the Castle Freshers are finally adding their fair share. They look to be a rowdy bunch at last.
Congratulations to Jeremy Cowen and all others involved in the Fashion Show for putting on what was an incredible night of Castle spirit, extremely questionable contoured rigs, the hottest Fresher couple in recent years and, most importantly, a fantastic fundraising effort for an important cause. Lastly, we must spare a thought for poor Elliot Brown, denied entry to the show on the basis on his on-point, à la mode outfit by security staff. Lighten up Security, it’s a Fashion Show. Enjoy. The Floreat Editors. X
Jordan Boyce
Becca LH
Izzee Mason
what's inside Six Simple Steps to Surviving Summative Season................................3 Ski Trip.................................................7 Behind the Scenes at CCFS...............11 Bar Trip..............................................21 Superbowl Survival Kit......................22 Which Woofle are You?......................23 Halfway Hall - Long or Short?..........25 Gossip Girl..........................................27
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SIX SIMPLE STEPS to SURVIVING SUMMATIVE SEASON 1. Deny all knowledge of said summatives' existence This principally applies to those of us who are not unfortunate enough to have a summative due in the first week of term (seriously though, how heartless do you have to be to darken your students' Christmases with summative stress?!). For the rest of us, the first weeks back after the holidays are the time to catch up with those friends you missed so terribly while you were isolated in your southern hometown, to counter those post-Palatinalps blues by going out at any given opportunity, to make up for those painful four Klute-less weeks. Deadlines, what deadlines? Besides, you've had that post-it note displaying your deadline in capitalised letters stuck above your desk since before you went home for Christmas, so it's not like you're not on top of it after all. Why should you have to think about it right now? Four weeks is ages away, you've got plenty of time, haven't you? We recommend you take this time to enjoy yourself as much as possible right up until the very last moment that you absolutely cannot put the essay off any longer.
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2. Allow yourself to take some time off to relax when the panic starts to kick in You may have only written the title and the first few sentences of the introduction, but already you feel that sickening knot of anxiety at the daunting prospect of the 3000+ words that still lay ahead of you. Every sentence you write sounds like unsophisticated shit to you; even the addition of a 'thus' can't save them. The afore-mentioned post-it note looms over you like a threatening omen, seeming to get progressively bigger as you move ever close to its printed declaration of Judgement Day's arrival (you tell the former-self who wrote it what a try-hard git they are). Sure, you may not be panicked enough to actually knuckle down and write the damn thing, but seriously, that panic is just not good for your health. Better nip it in the bud before it gets out of control by taking regular procrastination breaks to de-stress. Helpful tip: you may like to take the time to procrastinate by researching alternative career paths for when you drop out of uni.
3. Discover a new Netflix series to binge-watch Everyone knows that a student's brain simply does not begin to function academically until one has first spent 15 minutes (as a bare minimum) scrolling through every possible social media app. And when you do put your phone down and open up your laptop, you might as well check out the 'Trending Now' section of Netflix before you get cracking on that essay. Ooo Skins, that's the one all The Tab articles are going on about right now! Better see what all the fuss is about, one episode can't hurt. They say that curiosity killed the cat, and as we at Floreat only have our fellow Castlemen's best interests at heart, we encourage you to indulge your curiosity! Three series later, and you decide you really should think about making a start, but just hold on now; don't you think you'd better just see if Effy chooses Freddie or Cook? How can you expect to focus your mind while these burning cliff-hangers are hovering in the background? Trust us, you'll work far more effectively once your brain is distraction free!
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4. As the deadline gets closer, eat nothing but cans of microwaveable soup and toast Back in the days of GCSEs and A Levels, our schoolteachers used to preach at us in their annual pre-exam briefing (lest we forget that anything but black ink is the spawn of Satan) about the necessity of healthy snacks and nutritious meals to feed our young minds; basically choosing crisps over an apple would guarantee you an F. Us uni students however know that all of that was bullshit. Yeah, alright Fresh, you may have your dinners lovingly prepared for you every day, but not all of us have that luxury (mainly those of us whose summatives actually count...). Cooking yourself a nourishing three-course dinner may be the perfect procrastination technique, but when push comes to shove who needs good health and the recommended daily dose of fibre when you've only got about 50 seconds to feed yourself before the work has to start again? Unless a meal can be prepared in the toaster and/or microwave, it just isn't going to cut it anymore. And while you're at it, we advise you make a start on replacing at least 70% of your body's water with pure coffee...
5. Teach yourself how to live on less than 3 hours sleep a night Please refer to the latter part of step 4. In an ideal world, with only a handful of days to go before your summative is due, you will be in the final stages of your editing but feeling pretty relaxed about the whole thing by now, with plenty of time for the odd drink with friends in the Undie and, most importantly, enough sleep to actually be able to function like a normal human being. But unfortunately, this is not an ideal world, this is the real world, and in the real world 4000 words due the day after tomorrow simply doesn't wait for sleep. Your only option now is to power through until the sun comes up...and then keep going. It's not all doom and gloom though; we suggest you treat yourself to a 10 minute nap on a pile of books in the Billy B for every 1000 words that you write. The idea that you're meant to sleep at night is just a social construct anyway...
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6. Message your course friends at least once a day to figure out how screwed you are Above all, you're really not doing summative season properly if you don't take every given opportunity to ask your fellow subject sufferers how close they are to finishing. This can go one of two ways: either you will hear the most comforting of words known to man, "I've still got loads to do", and the love and solidarity between you and this person will grow immensely; or your heart will sink as they tell you "Yeah, I'm pretty much done actually", thus putting an end to that friendship because you don't need that kind of negativity in your life. Compare and contrast your referencing techniques in minute detail; go for regular, long coffee 'catch-ups' where you both spend your whole time bitching about how stressed you are and how little time you have to finish everything ("Yeah sure, I've got time for another drink"). Always remember that they are the pace-maker for your essay, and that you can't appear to have done more work on it than they have, because that would just look too keen. If they say they haven't started, always say that you haven't started either. Then sit back and sip that cappuccino you spent half an hour queueing outside Flat White for, safe in the knowledge that actually you've only got your bibliography left to do and that, really, you'll be just fine.
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Tignes In keeping with the theme which characterised his week, Big Pete started his trip by missing his flight. For the rest of us, itching to get into the binning that we paid £500 for, we started the opening night party twenty-four hours early. The following day, struggling to rise before
noon, we dragged each other onto the Espace Killy. After skiing for the best part of 10 minutes, Vice-Undercroft Chair & spouse made a beeline for the Folie with menage a trois Demidov, Sherrington and Hamblin in hot pursuit. Sausage Rowell got straight into her routine for the week, clocking a grand total of zero hours on the slopes. After a rather dissatisfying session at Le Coffee, which had a capacity of about 30 people, 1,500 Durham students returned to their apartments to prepare for the
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Opening Night Party. Amongst many disgraceful events, a senior rugby club figure lost a pint-off to Ladies Soc’s most illustrious downer and subsequently reproduced said pint. As Pete touched down in France, the long awaited dump of powder closed in on Tignes. Much to a certain third year’s concern, the Beckett sisters travelled across the Alps for a onenight cameo, unfortunately for me not a one-night stand. Girls gathered in the Snow Park to be reminded that Toby is all bark and no bite as he wiped out on the baby jumps. With the slopes empty but for genuine powder hounds, drinking commenced early. For some, this proved a recipe for disaster, culminating with Pussy Pounder collapsing onto a radiator and tearing it from the wall. Desperate to escape from Moloney talking about failed romantic pursuits, the Castle crowd charged out of pre-drinks and into the cauldron that was Melting Pot. Sadly, even in a rammed nightclub Castle’s Brown social butterfly continued to struggle romantically, perhaps owing to the Uggs he insisted on sporting. Big Pete made advances on Measor’s other half, inquiring incessantly about her relationship status to anyone who would listen. More success was enjoyed by A Haugh who allowed a desperate chap to holster
'17 With heads foggier than the whiteout weather, and Sausage Roll once again not making it out onto the slopes, Tuesday was another slow day and few were keen to test the pistes further than the restaurants. Refreshments once again began trickling early. In the early evening we shot 3,200m up the Funicular for a rave at which Toby proved that he was now no bark and no bite by passing out before the headline act. Gumpell’s spirits were not to be
dampened as she encouraged the entirety of the club to strip off. Most obliged with little hesitation apart from two slumped corpses: Toby and Calum. Carrying a DURFC wannabe across a snow-covered town is no easy feat. Keeping a straight face whilst he tries to tickle his tic-tac into action in front of a shocked crowd is even harder. Thankfully chaperone Ancock was on hand to call a random student concerned for Toby’s health ‘a fucking schweff ’. Meanwhile, it occurred to a few that nobody had seen UCAFC’s skipper for a considerable time. Our worries were put to rest by a phone call from paramedics informing us that Cartmell was enjoying their company on the way to hospital with concussion.
The break of dawn on Wednesday brought with it perfect skiing conditions. Castle’s lone Slalom team took on the Duals whilst others frolicked across the newly snow covered mountains. Sliding into the finish with seconds to spare over their opponents in the first, they were unfortunate to lose to last years winners by a hairs breadth. A mountain top picnic started the day’s sesh, followed by a bottle of wine on the final chairlift back to Le Coffee which, for once, was enjoyed by all. Big Pete carried himself in typically mal-coordinated fashion, clattering into an unassuming LMP in spectacular style. Remarkably, this was not the only casualty of the day. As a birthday treat, Varela treated an army wife to a trip to hospital, bawling her eyes out with a severe case of what the doctor diagnosed as: ‘nothing.’
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Our peachy ski conditions were shortlived, as curtains revealed a blizzard. A handful of Castlemen soldiered on regardless until lift closures curtailed proceedings. Having spent the day in recovery mode, spirits were so high in the queue for the final night party that castle broken into song, flexing their vocal chords to national anthems of the British Isles. Spirits were not as high as Jack Hamblin, who skulked off into the queue in search of Mandy (Hetty Gittus). He managed to compose his jaw quickly for long enough to investigate the inside of another chap’s mouth. Dave Rodigan produced unexpected fireworks at the party, raising the roof with an unexpected fusion of reggae, drum and bass. The week drew to a close with Paul Paul chugging on Angostura Bitters like Melen’s Melons. With conditions worse than ever on Friday, very little skiing took place. Pete capped off a series of shambolic events by breaking the booking system, costing fliers £100.
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BEHIND THE SCENES OF
On the evening of Sunday 19th February, Castle’s Great Hall was
transformed into a spectacle of decadent decorations, crazy catwalk capers and fabulous fashion as “Castle’s best personalities” took to the stage for Castle Charity Fashion Show 2017. Raising money in aid of ‘Friends of Kumi Hospital’, the charity greatly supported by the late Eva Schumacher-Reid, the event sold out in minutes and was really enjoyed by all who attended. But what do those who spent months tirelessly planning the night and those models who appeared on the catwalk have to say about their experience of the show?
JEREMY COWEN - DIRECTOR Favourite walk from the show and why? Definitely either the Designers of Durham walk, Clare Lichfield or Oswald and Kane; DoD was something I had wanted from the start, and it was incredible to see work that was commissioned by us being sent down the
Favourite outfit from the night? I absolutely LOVED the Mara Hoffman jumpsuit that Nancy wore to open the Women's Resort walk – she looked knockout.
Favourite part of the experience?
Funniest memory from doing CCFS17? Having the after-after party crashed by four stoners was certainly interesting... especially as I've now noticed that they're buskers who regularly play outside our house!
Which model had the sassiest moves on the catwalk? Sassiest moves? Definitely Clare. Of course it was Clare. Silly Canadians.
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Listening to everyone tell me how much they enjoyed it. I crave validation.
Any pre-show diet/fitness programmes? Ab make-up.
Why should Castlemen get involved in future Castle Charity Fashion Shows?
Ask any of the models or look at any of the photos from the night – it’s an event of pure fun that's for a great cause and a total win-win. CCFS has so many sides to it, from the incredible hair and make-up team to the supremely talented tech heroes; it's an event for all people.
BECCA LOUISE HUTCHINGS - MODEL Favourite walk from the show and why?
2017
My favourite was probably the Ethical walk. It was the first walk I was in so it was a relief to realise that once you get up there it’s really not as scary as I was expecting, but actually just exhilarating and so,
Any pre or mid-show panics?
Favourite outfit from the night? It’s got to be either the Mara Hoffman jumpsuit Nancy wore in the Resort walk or Susan’s seethrough dress in the Clare Lichfield walk; both absolutely stunning pieces of design.
Practising walks for the first time whilst Funniest memory from doing CCFS17? the audience were all at the drinks reception was somewhat stress-inducing… Jeremy Cowen, on Ella Blaxill’s and stripping off mid-run back to the Lowe braless-ness when she was being fitted for a dress: “Don’t worry, it’s between back-to-back walks! nothing I haven’t seen before. Not Favourite part of the experience? your boobs of course…” Getting to know some truly fabulous people a little bit better.
Which model had the sassiest moves on the catwalk?
I don’t think anyone in the audience will forget Jack Miller’s gyrating on I was wearing a bikini at one point the catwalk, especially those in the in the show so decided not to eat too front row! much during the day, but then ended up absolutely inhaling a Subway when I finally got food at about midnight haha!
Any pre-show diet/fitness programmes?
Why should Castlemen get involved in future Castle Charity Fashion Shows?
Confidence-boosting shout outs from friends and fellow Castlemen, Clothing to die for, Fundraising for important and worthwhile causes, Serious fun and banter with everyone involved.
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ARCHIE BALFOUR - MODEL Favourite walk from the show and why? The Resort walk because I got to pretend that I was on honeymoon with Reuben (everything I've ever dreamed of).
Favourite outfit from the night? The dressing gown, although my attempt to flash failed – sorry guys xo.
Any pre or mid-show panics? I submitted a summative during the second walk and I was due to walk in the third. I never want to experience that level of stress ever again.
Funniest memory from doing CCFS17?
Favourite part of the experience?
Dom Turners' blatantly obvious ab contouring. My great personality being Think about the stage lighting next time babe x. confirmed and definitely not being on the receiving end of Which model had the sassiest nepotism.
moves on the catwalk?
Cat Duffy SLAYED me. Also honourable mention to Henry. He was so on it. I was scared.
Any pre-show diet/fitness programmes? I had a Subway and a pint about 5 mins before the show started.
Favourite walk from the show and why? The boys’ 'Raining Men' walk with umbrellas; it reminded me a bit of Magic Mike and who doesn't love that?
Favourite outfit from the night? My favourite outfit was Susan's Thrift outfit, which consisted of jodhpurs, a white blouse, a hat, and a corset on top of the shirt. I like that we layered the clothing, and as stylists were able to be a little bit more creative.
Any pre or mid-show panics? When I ran around everywhere for a solid 5 minutes trying to find Anais a few minutes before her walk – turns out she was actually in her changing area...
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JEMIMA BUNBURY - EXEC
BECKY HOME - MODEL Favourite walk from the show and why? The Accessories walk to ‘Toxic’ because it was such a fantastic way to start the show and I also LOVE Britney.
Favourite outfit from the night?
BECCA LOUISEThe Lottie B Mustique Kaftan; only time I'll ever be able to wear something worth £300 HUTCHINGS - MODEL as a student!
Any pre or mid-show panics? What happens if no-one knows who I am?!
Funniest memory from doing CCFS17? Dom's fake tan or the boys’ drawn-on abs.
Favourite part of the experience? Representing 4th year on the catwalk/ channelling my inner Gigi Hadid.
Why should Castlemen get involved in future Castle Charity Fashion Shows?
Which model had the sassiest moves on the catwalk? Ben Evans.
Any pre-show diet/fitness programmes?
I attempted to cut down on chocolate...I failed.
So they can become BNOCS....duuuuhhhh.
Why should Castlemen get involved in future Castle Charity Fashion Shows?
Any pre-show diet/fitness programmes?
Because it puts the Fun in F(ash)un.
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Which model had the sassiest moves on the catwalk? Best walk was Becca, but sassiest moves has to go to Ben. Nothing could inspire him to keep his shirt on for more than a second, and as someone who has to send photos to the company that donated shirts and explain to them why the shirts don't feature in any photos, this was…tricky.
Funniest memory from doing CCFS17? Trying to choreograph the catwalks with all of the 3rd year guys shouting at me that they knew how to walk; was daunting, but they have good chat so somehow they made it humorous.
No starving going on here, unless you count starving yourself of sleep in the run-up because of all the last minute things that needed to be organised.
Favourite part of the experience?
Going to the British Red Cross in Newcastle with my fellow fashion coordinators and new BFFs Amanda and Wenrong. We went absolutely wild when we saw the vintage area and tried on half of the clothes ourselves.
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Photo credits: James Yallop
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ELLA BLAXILL - MODEL
Favourite walk from the show and why?
Any pre or mid-show panics?
I went onto the stage at The Resort walk as the wrong time and there it involved no heels isn't really any way of covering that up. a.k.a. my hyperFunniest memory from flexible ankles were safe from danger. doing CCFS17? The dressing room. Favourite outfit
from the night?
The Clare Lichfield walk...the dresses were absolutely beautiful.
Which model had the sassiest moves on the Jack Miller.
Favourite part of the experience?
The people involved.
Any pre-show diet/ fitness programmes? I upped it from 3 meals a day to 4.
Why should Castlemen get involved in future Castle Charity Fashion Shows? Because it is genuinely one of the best events I have been involved in at Castle.
Why should Castlemen get involved in future Castle Charity Fashion Shows?
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It was an absolutely terrific experience, great fun to be involved with and a fantastic opportunity to raise money and awareness for a charity like Friends of Kumi Hospital that is doing such great work in Uganda.
RUEBEN SCRIVEN - MODEL Favourite walk from the show and why? The Resort walk - we got to see Dom's sexy rig!
Favourite outfit from the night? My Thrift walk outfit – I looked like a trap queen.
Any pre or mid-show panics? Whether or not I'd miss my flight back to Vietnam.
Funniest memory from doing CCFS17? Dom's rig.
Which model had the sassiest moves on the catwalk? Anyone but Dom – he dabbed.
Favourite part of the experience? Dom's rig.
Any pre-show diet/ fitness programmes?
Why should Castlemen get involved in future Castle Charity Fashion Shows?
I ate nothing for 40 days and 40 nights.
THOMAS STEVENTON - COMPÈRE
It's a great laugh and all for a good cause.
Favourite walk from the show and why? The Designers of Durham walk was an amazing showcase of the talent we have in Durham and a great opportunity for designers to showcase their hard work and achievements.
Any pre or midshow panics? Any pre-show diet/ fitness programmes?
Realising 5 minutes before the show that the highlighted script we had was unreadable under the stage lights and having to wing it.
As compères Ualan and I embarked on a gym and diet regime to make Which model had the sassiest sure we were in peak moves on the catwalk? physical condition, with a bulking diet consisting Jasper ‘Weezy’ Wiese and mainly of high carb and Callum ‘Silencer’ McCabe in high fat and a Hollywood their cowboy inspired walk. gym regime inspired by Christian Bale’s routine for the American Hustle.
Favourite outfit from the night? Lissy Green’s dress from the Designers of Durham walk, made from photos of all the models and exec.
Funniest memory from doing CCFS17? Having to comfort Ualan during his mid-show panic that he wasn’t a ‘chat master' when no one was texting him during the text-ins.
Favourite part of the experience? Being involved with a such a great group of people and having the chance to raise money for such a fantastic charity.
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Favourite walk from the show and why? Modern tailoring – I thought it was really cool how we wore the shirts in different ways.
Favourite outfit from the night? Definitely my Mara Hoffman jumpsuit, it was stunning!
Any pre or mid-show panics? My jumpsuit broke at the end in the finale which nearly resulted in a nip slip! Luckily Harry was on hand to give me his jacket.
Funniest memory from doing CCFS17? Dom Turner's 'natural' tan.
NANCY MCGRADY - MODEL Why should Castlemen get involved in future Castle Charity Fashion Shows? It was honestly one of the most brilliant experiences. And plus, you get to wear clothes way out of a student budget – DO IT!
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Favourite part of the experience? Sounds cliché but meeting people in college that I hadn't spoken to before. The night itself was amazing as well!
Which model had the sassiest moves on the catwalk? I would have to say Henry Jones; he killed it. I wish I looked that good in a dressing gown!
Any pre or midshow panics?
Any pre-show diet/fitness programmes? I went to the gym once (I wouldn't say exercise is my forte) but did up the ante on walking and tried to watch the carbs.
Why should Castlemen get involved in future Castle Charity Fashion Shows? 1) The experience building up to the show is amazing – meeting new people and of course the socials! 2) The amazing clothes – I honestly loved every outfit I wore. 3) The night itself – never have I had so much adrenaline running through me and at the end we were all so thrilled.
Favourite walk from the show and why?
Victoria's Secret Swimwear: you really got Angels don't panic a good look at everyone's personalities. hunny... so yes, we were constantly Favourite outfit from worried!
the night?
Funniest memory from doing CCFS17?
I'm going to have to say Xan's blue basketball Attempting a vintage two piece. In one word, influential. ‘photo-shoot face’ on Tunstall gallery Favourite part of the hoping to put Kate experience? Moss to shame. Helping to draw on the boys' abs...I mean, looking at their natural definition in awe...
Which model had the sassiest moves on the catwalk? Any pre-show diet/fitness programmes? I personally followed a strict regime of no lifting, night-time trips to Tesco, and binge-drinking. 10/10 would recommend.
We all saw Susan enslave that runway. Need I say more?
HENRY JONES - MODEL
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A college office approved write-up of an innocent trippete to the Lake District (original text provided in footnotes)
At about 4pm on Friday the 24th February we all gathered at Kempy’s house to help carry all the
supplies for our weekend of good clean and responsible fun1. Unfortunately there was an almost immediate set back when Fiona Rea smashed her entire sensibly sized bottle of water to be used for hydration purposes2! After quickly buying another one from a reputable and high-quality establishment3 we set off, full of excitement. On the coach everyone behaved delightfully, reading books4 , engaging in intellectual discussions5 and singing songs6. The boys at the back of the bus provided some wonderful harmonies7.
After arriving at the hostel we unpacked our bags and decided on who would sleep where. Everyone agreed and there was no squabbling or pettiness8. A sumptuous dinner was made whilst everyone relaxed and Gus Woolley proposed a good old game of charades to pass the time9. At dinner everyone was given optional10 challenges when unfortunately James Lindsay felt a little bit unwell so had to take a short break11 . After dinner we were all really tired and so went to bed at a reasonable time12. No lights were broken13. The next day Kempy led a few people on a delightful walk in the surrounding area. The weather was a bit damp but probably could’ve been worse14. We went up to the top of a small hill to admire the view15. After the walk we all went to a local tavern and had a cheeky bite to eat, then we headed back to the hostel to meet the others16. We all had dinner together, then split off into small groups for an hour or two’s quiet contemplation and scripture reading17. We all met up briefly afterwards in the dining room again but after a day of walking and chatting and scripture reading, most people were super tired and hit the hay early!18 On the Sunday we all got up bright and early to clean up what little mess there was, said goodbye to people who had come from London and then went back to Durham, stopping for a short toilet break19 at the service station. It had been a refreshing20 weekend away with good food, good friends and great memories!21 Weekend of egg-smashing, vomit-inducing debauchery Big bottle of vodka to be used for boozing purposes 3 Dunelm 4 Seeing off cans 5 Chucking cracking banter around 6 Singing songs 7 Threw meatballs at the vegetarians on the bus 8 ‘Some’ MCR member(s) whinged like babies 9 Smashed an egg on his head, to roars of approval from the semi-drunken crowd 10 Compulsory 11 Caps off to you Lindsay x 12 Partied into the early hours like complete legends 13 … 14 It was fucking shitting it down with rain and cold as tits 15 We couldn’t fucking see anything because it was so fucking rainy. My feet were fucking sodden and I couldn’t feel my toes. 16 Dry my fucking clothes and start drinking again 17 Hermits. Ben Gilbey was tied to a chair with duct tape. 18 Most people were off their tits. Shout outs go to Amanda Marsh and Sarah Westlake for outstanding contributions. 19 Kempy got stuck in a tree and Dumitha put Beardo in a headlock which was bare funny. 20 Big filthy Maccies 21 Beer 22 Ellie Hill chundered all over her bedroom. She was not the only one… 1 2
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Super Bowl survival kit Have you been invited to a Super Bowl party but never seen a game of American Football and don’t want to look like a dickhead by admitting you think it’s a bit boring and complicated? Fear not. Here are a list of things that will get you on your way to becoming a fully-fledged Super Bowl aficionado… 1. Generic American Football team crew-neck jumper:
These can be purchased at most high-street retailers such as Primark, River Island or Topshop and will give that chic ‘Murican aesthetic. A beanie hat is an optional extra that will add a touch more douchiness to your look.
2. American beers for drinking:
Coores and Budweiser are good shouts as crates are usually on offer because, as we all know, the more beer you drink, the cooler you are.
3. Red cups with which to drink said American beers:
If you aren’t drinking your beer out of red cups at a Super Bowl Party people will think that you’re weird. Everyone does it, trust me, I’ve seen it in films.
4. American football:
Less than a tenner on Amazon. It doesn’t matter that you’ve never picked one up before, just sit and spin it in your hands during the match and occasionally pretend to throw it to your mate across the room. Just don’t throw it like a rugby ball or you’ll give the game away.
5. List of Generic facts/ statements that make it sound like you know what the hell is going on:
These comments should be delivered in an unnecessary, obnoxiously loud town of voice in order to gain maximum effect. Here are some examples: “Yo, is this the 3rd or 4th down?” “Yo, the Falcon’s really need a turn over here, then they can try for a drop goal.” “Yo, Tom Brady has more experience than the entire Falcon’s roster combined – I can’t believe he’s 39!” “Yo, the Patriots are going to lose. They’re playing so badly.” These tips should help you fit in and get you through to at least half time, then you can enjoy the advertisements and Lady Gaga. It’s easy! Just act calm, drink your beer and remember…nobody else has a fucking clue what’s going on either.
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Which Woofle are You?
Take the ultimate test to see which princely pedigree is most like your woofly little self. A) What is your favourite activity? 1. Eating 2. Cuddling 3. Exercising 4. Playing 5. Snoozing B) If you see your other half paying someone else attention, what do you do? 1. Go home and cry into a tub of Ben and Jerry’s 2. Distract him/her pathetically with cries for love and unwanted advances 3. Fight back. Go publicly psycho at your partner and slap the impostor. 4. Two can play this game: make your boyf or galf jealous with some random 5. Ignore it. They love you and you trust your beloved entirely
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C) What is your post-night out food? 1. I pick at everyone else’s, so whatever they buy. I’ll also probably finish off my housemates’ Urban Ovens the following morning 2. A Subway: it’s nice to cuddle whilst I go to sleep/ pass out 3. I don’t eat after a night out 4. Noodles: I like the way I can customise my food at Wok Next 5. I’ll normally buy something from somewhere along Claypath, leave it on the way home, forget about it, and never touch it again
D) You see a dog, what do you do? 1. Lick it 2. Fuss around it, sniffing it, but refusing to touch it 3. Shout and scream at it 4. Try and crawl underneath it, and maybe snap a little bit 5. You’ve never met it before, but it’s immediately your new best friend for games and cuddles E) When you grow up, you want to be... 1. A lifeguard 2. A lawyer 3. A policeman 4. A soldier 5. A banker F) What's your go-to accessory? 1. Snapback 2. Wellies 3. Handcuffs 4. A cape 5. A crown
MOSTLY 1's G) What is your ideal date in Durham? 1. A long walk to take in the views of the cathedral 2. Night out in Fabs 3. Going to watch your potential new bae in a sports match 4. Spags 5. Boat trip H) What is your drink of choice? 1. A pint of lager 2. Whisky 3. A pint of ale 4. A milkshake 5. A jaeger bomb H) What is your favourite city? 1. York 2. Edinburgh 3. Berlin 4. New York 5. London H) What is your favourite movie genre? 1. Family 2. Period drama 3. Thriller 4. Comedy 5. Rom-Com
You’re a Labrador! You are obsessed with your mummy, daddy, brothers and sisters, and are loved by everyone in college. There’s nothing you enjoy more than a big meal, a long walk around Durham and a relax in The Swan at the end of the day.
MOSTLY 2's You’re a Border Terrier! You just cannot sit still. You love the traditions at Castle, and have to be involved in everything. But underneath the fussiness and the drama, you’ve really got your shit together and are on your way to a top grad scheme after Durham.
MOSTLY 3's You’re a German Shepherd! Let’s be honest, you’re a bit of a psycho. You’re pretty confrontational, and are often the cause of trouble at college events. However, you are fiercely loyal, and you provide a lot of entertainment for your fellow Castlemen.
MOSTLY 4's You’re a sausage dog! You’re cheeky, playful, and get yourself into all sort of ridiculous situations. You’re adorable and may appear all innocent, but christ are you feisty. Your presence in Castle is well known, as you may be mini, but you are a major presence on the social scene, with Hound literally being named after your woofly little ways.
MOSTLY 5's You’re a Cocker Spaniel! You’re a real doggy person (interpret it as you may), and are very interested in everyone’s business. You can be slightly possessive of your friends, but your natural good looks leave you with a fair number of love interests. You are the King or Queen of Castle, and possibly have a place on the Exec.
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HALFWAY HALL - LONG OR SHORT?
In a sharp but unsurprising turn of events, Floreat has managed to become even more ‘Daily Mail’ than ever before. By embracing the fine line between ‘observational journalism’ and a stream of consciousness, one fourth year (who should’ve left the Dubble when they had the chance) weighs in on a topic that literally doesn’t matter.
THE CASE FOR LONG:
- Don’t need to shave your legs - Feel a bit like a princess until you’re holding a flexi in each hand - You’ll probably need a long dress for another event at some point so could double up - Sell it on depop later maybe? - There are relatively few opportunities outside of Durham where it is acceptable to wear ball gowns, so make the most of it - Can glide down the stairs and pretend you’re a ghost
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THE CASE FOR SHORT:
- Don’t need to shave your legs (the image of the hairless maiden has a long history rooted in the Classical Tradition and institutionalised patriarchy, but you do you) - Usually cheaper - Can rewear it to formals - Take up less space in your wardrobe I suppose? - Can show off your heels - When you’re walking through Durham Bus Station you’ll feel slightly less of a twat
THE CASE FOR NEITHER:
- Gender and gender roles are performative - Pretty much everyone looks good in a suit - We say we are trying to engage with our heritage by reproducing these annual balls, but really it’s just an elaborate excuse for a new profile picture - Jumpsuits exist and ur most likely to get away with them at HH - If you’re a second year and your main concern is whether to wear a long or short dress to a ball then a) start reading the news, and b) enjoy HH for what it is because you’re already halfway through your degree and will be selling your soul and living in Clapham in no time Conclusion: In a post-fact, post-Brexit, post-Trump world, it literally does not matter how long the material that you decide to cover your body with is. Soon we’ll all be wondering about in an apocalyptic wasteland or working at Goldman Sachs anyway. Think I’m biased? Consider, then, the expert opinions of people who have dedicated their lives to the pursuit of knowledge and student welfare: The Revd Dr Hannah Cleugh “If you look at it logically, the default for black tie events at Castle is a long dress. The question, then, is not whether to go long or short, but rather, when to go short. It is not a strict dichotomy – sometimes it is both, sometimes it is one, and sometimes it is neither.” Dr Richard Lawrie “If you’ll be on a bus it’d make sense to wear a short one, right?”
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Ladies and Gentlemen of Castle, My
my, how the time has flown since my last little column and for such a busy and outgoing bunch so little has been whispered in my ear. Nevertheless it would be considered rude and irresponsible of me not to keep you in the loop of what has been going on. This term we have seen the good, the bad and the ugly, both at home and overseas. Palatinalps as always provided a good annual dose of white
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powder and Castlemen travelling off-piste, on the slopes and in love. Exams may be approaching rapidly, but don’t take that as reason not to explore your most carnal of desires… University only comes around once in a lifetime (although Señors Lee and Keshawarz are sure doing their best to squeeze out every last drop), it would be a shame to keep those bedposts intact and nights out clean from all fun. Until next time, revise hard, play harder. GG x
This Vs legend may have proved himself in the Shakespeare and on Castle’s most treacherous long-distance running course, but he proved himself to be a bit of a Dick Inson-one else’s bed this term, spoiling the pristine condition of the sheets in favour of a rather more khaki aesthetic. Speaking of antics in the bedroom, I have been hearing reports about a certain ‘Taylor-made for each other’ second year couple. What happens between two young people coiled up in love behind closed doors is their own business, but really, I think somebody ought to tell this pair that simultaneously crying during a mutual height of passion isn’t exactly the right way to go about it. Perhaps it was a case of not seeing (japs)eye to (japs)eye? Who knows how this situation will Bode(n) for the future... This young fresher is doing her best to revive the first years’ reputation for the finer things in life by getting up to some some Hookie Snookie on a roommate’s desk: it seems this romance was not destined for greatness, however, as the introduction of academic tools into the relationship has failed to keep the embers hot. Another tale of heartbreak and woe for you, friends. Since a passionate embrace in the boot room researching the old tale of foot size to tackle correlation, this relationship too has Symmered down and taken a back seat. We’ll just have to assume the boots didn’t fit… No need for male actors in this saucy romantic film, as 50 Shades of Cane needs only 1. With a supporting cast of toys, no boys allowed or needed, this blogger’s desires are… unconventional. Dixies Chicken, quickly getting a reputation for its liberal attitude towards the health of its customers, looked to cast a spell of this finalist legend who, upon finishing his fried Cock, proceeded to decide to get a bit Han-dy with the DU rugby team, earning himself a little bit of quality time with the Hot Fuzz. Continuing the agricultural theme, it was a wild night when two of our favourite big birds and Horseys had some fun rolling around in the hay… Let’s just hope there’s no Moore tomfoolery at the farm, or we may have ourselves an Ass to deal with. Things got a little dicey when this third year chap forgot to put his Wooley away, preferring the warm comfort of the black stairs after a well-earned toilet break… Who said finalist can’t handle their drink.
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