The Halfway Issue by Floreat Castellum

The Halfway Issue

floreatCastellum

EDITOR’S LETTER Dear Castle, It may surprise you that this issue, helpfully titled the Halfway Issue, comes just after halfway through the year. For some of you that may mean you’re halfway through your time here, for others that you’re a mere term and a half away from the joining the real world – or more likely, doing any possible Masters that comes your way. Now we’re halfway through, hopefully you’ve learnt something, made more than a few drunken/sober mistakes, and have got a little older and wiser. If not, you’ve got another half a year to go, in which some of us will miraculously gain a degree and maybe even some actual responsibilities. For the rest of you lucky lot, with years left of irresponsible behaviour – though maybe not within the Castle walls – make the most of it, as all of us finalists can tell you, it really does go quickly. As summative deadlines and the dreaded diss loom, we offer you this issue as another form of procrastination – I’m sure those essays can wait just a little bit longer.

Editor-in-chief: Maddy Vincent Deputy Editor: Charlotte Spence Design Editor: Tabby Boyd

In this issue... 3 Vintage Castle Cartoon 4 The Ski Trip Awards 6 A Handy Guide to Fleeing the Bubble 8 A Song of Vice and Fired 9 Which Exec Role should you go for? 10 Halfway Hall 12 Accomodation Fees: Why Care? 14 RBFs of Castle 16 Protect the Unconvicted Rapist 18 Laundry Room Etiquette 19 No-Confidence Vote Alternatives 20 Sympathetic Student Solutions 22 Happy Alentines Ay 24 Fashion Show Diary 26 Gossip Girl 28 The Back Page 2

A comic made by someone who was a student at Castle between 1845-1848.

The Ski Trip Awards For all of you who thought you had just about got over the FOMO, we thought we would take it upon ourselves to give a little top up of what you missed from the ski trip antics. You’re welcome.

Best skier - Hilaire Blyth for bagging Castle a bronze in the Giant Slalom and skiing ‘the best lines in my life!’

Worst Skier – Bella Bearcroft for being #toohungover to make it onto the piste. Biggest wipeout - Toby Atkinson-Coyle. Okay we’ll set the scene, it was the quarterfinals of the dual slalom competition. The course was set and the crowds were building at the bottom. The team of four had Archie Balfour up first, followed by Toby, then Daisy Blaksley and Hilaire Blyth finishing. We had no clue what dual slalom even was and even less of a clue as to how we made it so far in the competition. Daisy and Archie had gallantly crossed the finish line, still potentially in it to win it, then along speeds Toby, first gate, second gate, - THE CROWD IS GOING MAD- on to the fourth gate aaaaaand it’s all downhill from there- literally. Toby takes the most majestic fall you’ve ever seen, rolling multiple times in the depths of the powder, he loses his ski and valiantly watches it speed off ahead of him and over the finish line, the crowds parting to avoid it. All was lost; a sad day for Castle as some mopey Chads team sweeps through the last gates.

Best injury - Tom Mumby for managing to acquire frostbite on the tip of his nose. Smooth.

Best Social Leader - Gus Woolley – The social night involved 10 leaders rotating round 10 groups. Gus had crafted a personal board game by hand for his lucky groups. Who has that much free time?!

Best near death experience – Harry Humfrey, who ended up wasted, shoulder deep in snow on the coldest night of the year. Hypothermia is not a joke. STICK WITH YOUR BUDDIES KIDS.

Best Apres Attire - Freddie Keen, when he wasn’t wearing any. FREDDIE, GET NAKED.

Worst Night – The mountain meal. What a delicious, merry evening for all.

Half a morsel of meat, a shaving of cheese and one moldy potato each. It was okay though because after our long day of hard skiing we weren’t that hungry anyway, and we were all more than happy to donate 35 euros to the good cause of cheering up the grumpiest waiters in the whole of France, not to mention the carnage they caused by placing the raclette on one end of the long table and the beef fondue on the other end. If there’s one way to upset a Castleman...

Worst Club – Malaysia. The biggest club in the

Alps and the sweatiest club in the world. Who even turned up on the final night? Was it Chase? Was it Status? Was it a random 30+ year old who fancied himself as an MC? Probably.

Best Bar – Snesco, it’s esentially French Klute at 2300 meters. Most committed - Ness Riley, who missed the bus due to a horrific tummy bug

but managed to arrive at the same time and looking remarkably fresher than the rest of us.

Least committed – Abbie Jupp, who only realized an hour before the bus that she was meant to be leaving that day rather than the next. Cue frantic packing and a race down to Dover to beat the coach to the ferry.

a HANDY GUIDE to FLEEING the BUBBLE 1. Durham

Heritage Coast

It’s been said that the endless cobbled streets, trips up Cardiac Hill and late-night Lowe sessions can become a tad claustrophobic after a few weeks of good ol’ Duzza. In this brief guide, Isaac Turner takes you for a ride to the north’s most unappreciated bubblecation hotspots.

A short bus ride to Peterlee brings you within touching distance of a coastline rich with gritty mining history, now also deemed a Site of Special Scientific Interest. This ideal day-trip is perfect for M&S picnic lovers and those who will never forgive Thatcher.

2. North

Pennines

Travel to Consett by bus and you’ll find yourself an hour’s walk from this area of outstanding natural beauty, with no shortage of breathtaking moorlands and distraught sheep to feast your eyes on. Keen walkers can return MonSat from Stanhope by bus.

Stepney Bank, Newcastle

The urbanites among you will appreciate this hidden gem, only a quick trip on the Metro from Central Station to Manors. An independently-run paradise festooned with cultural treats such as the Star and Shadow cinema, a vintage warehouse and the Artwork Galleries.

4. HM

Prison Frankland

A winding walk north of Durham brings you to this concrete behemoth, lovingly adorned with barbed wires and high-security CCTV. With some famous inmates lurking around and a reasonablypriced pub nearby, this monument to law and justice is an awe-inspiring reminder of Theresa Mayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s existence.

The 24-hour Northern Powerhouse bender Deranged and impoverished members of Castle can take a budget city-break to Manchester, Leeds or Liverpool via train. Spend the day seeing the sights before heading to da nearest club. Thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s no need to book accommodation when you can wait around for the 5 a.m. express!

A Song of Vice and Fired

The Red JCR Meeting A Feast for CrOws A Dance of Entitlement ‘We shall always Keep you in our thoughts’

Which Exec Role Should You Go For? Want to run for exec but not sure which role is for you? Try Floreat’s handy ﬂow diagram!

Halfway Hall DISCLAIMER: I organised HH last year and it is never going to be as good as MY BABY! Anyway, moving on… As a third year I am super busy with my dissertation, essays, and learning how to be an adult…so naturally I have developed a slightly unhealthy obsession with award season - Kylie Jenner’s snapchat is only so long you know. The dresses, the make up, the hair, the men. It’s a feast for the eyes. So, in honour of this, I have decided to give out some special Halfway Hall awards of my own. I present: The Middies (get it - it’s a pun on being mid-way through the year. I LOVE PUNS). The Middie for putting on a great night goes to…Scarlett Down and Lissy Green. Ents extraordinaires. They did a great job, the Undie looked great, the hall looked great, they looked great (you’re welcome), and they provided enough food to put me into a coma. Tah. The Middie for best dressed goes to…Lara Croenen. Apologies to all the second years, I know it’s your night and everything, but this girl could wear a bin bag and still look great. Genie Rendell definitely comes in as a close runner up - if anyone would like to take a closer look at Genie’s dress, see photo ‘halfwayhall_0647’ on the Phoenix Photography website.

The Middie for worst dressed goes to…Billy Hancock. Mainly for not being dressed for a portion of the night. No one wanted to, or needed to, see that. Some decorum please at any future black tie events - it’s the Great Hall not a strip club. The Middie for most unphotogenic goes too…Fabian Sheedy. See literally any photo taken of him. I lol’ed for 5 minutes. For reference: ‘halfwayhall_0701 - 0704’. You’re welcome. The Middie for most annoying person of the evening goes to… whoever vommed all over the girls loo’s. Before this event I had to imagine what a troll would smell like, now I know how Hermione felt when she was trapped in the girls’ toilets in The Philosopher’s Stone. How do you miss the toilet when you’re ALREADY IN THE CUBICLE?!… The Middie for most magical goes to…Tom Hill. The hat, the hair, the wand - magic. All that was missing was the specs.

ACCOMMODATION FEES: Why Should You Care? As those living-in will be thoroughly aware, the second portion of

accommodation fees came out earlier this term, setting livers-in back by up to £2,223.33. This blow is especially felt by finalists, whose maintenance loans have been reduced because Student Loans assumes we will all have jobs in time for summer. As I end my undergraduate career, the current residence charges total £6,670, much higher than when I was a fresh, and the same room will cost £7,353 next year - both of these charges include the fee for staying in our own rooms for our own graduation. Of course, the university does offer the Durham Grant scheme (£2,000 for every year if your household income is below £25,000) and colleges can arrange for individual cases. However, as the government plans to abolish Maintenance Grants and the Durham Grant itself is set to decrease, even these safeguards can be sabotaged by increased residence fees, and keep on squeezing the eternally squeezed middle.

“But,” I hear the livers-out cry, “I pay £72 a week, lol, why live back in college when you can save so much dolla and cook your own meals at the same time?” Whilst respecting the point and stifling my jealousy at the fact that you pay £3,214 less than myself, an issue remains. By continuously raising accommodation fees, landlords (many of which already charge a hefty amount for what they’ve got) know that they can jump on the bandwagon. Anyone who visited my second year house, a small five bedroom terrace by the Dominoes in the Viaduct, knew that we were getting reasonable value for money at £80 a week, bills not included. But as the university announced their hike in accommodation fees during our second year, our landlord decided that the property warranted a £9-a-week rise, and after the university’s announcement this year to hike it up once again - the property rent is now peaking at £110ppw. A five bedroom house at this price totals £5,280pp with bills, food, etc. on top of that, and so suddenly it’s not an altogether different situation to those living in the castle (with the exception of course that livers-in occupy a castle, not a cramped house which shakes when trains pass by overhead as mine did last year, if you excuse my sass). Of course, a short article such as this cannot touch on everything (that the university uses this money to invest £35,693,626 in companies such as BP and the Daily Mail as Palatinate reported, and that the increases are based on internal inflation rates, would be to name but a few), the fact remains: that is a lot of money for each of us to pay. Again, this is a problem bigger than livers-in alone, and one bigger than Castle alone - students in colleges that don’t boast a castle are paying the same amount for a room that isn’t a double-bed ensuite at the top of the keep. Accommodation fees matter.

RBF’s of Castle by Ellie Hill It could be on the street, in the bar, or in the Great Hall but wherever you are, you are not safe. A cursory glance in the wrong direction and you’re punished. Paranoia sets in: Who is that? What have I done? What have I said? Have I ever spoken to them before? Is this jumper offensive? (Probably). Fear no longer. Here’s a look at those in college cursed with a ‘Resting Bitch Face’* a condition where your face at rest, is one of a bitch. *Having an RBF in most cases does not infact make you a bitch. The Whit(t)akers Either silently judging you on the Castle gate or lurking in North Road’s most edgy vintage stores this duo uphold the Whit(t)aker family name with expressionless pride. Due to their chronic RBF the pair have adopted tribal face paint techniques to help express their feelings. On the left with have Jonathan showing us ‘Elation’ and on the right Olivia showing us‘Excitement’. Clever stuff. Abbie Jupp Fortunately for all you Freshers you will probably never see this girl in college. Which is probably a good thing because as soon as you do you will be turned to stone. Luckily the closest she ever gets to the castle walls is Fabio’s, giving the rest of us a 500m safe zone away from one of the lesser spotted RBFs.

Freya Hall With sass emanating from every pore this sultry fresher works the RBF in her favour. Taking this curse and twisting it into profile picture worthy material is not something to be scoffed at. Most likely to be found ‘on a mad one’ with Mixed Lacrosse (yeah that’s a thing again) or wandering up to the Viaduct with a gleam in her eye. Charli Adams Here we have the Padawan of the RBF master below. If you struggle to remember your manners when ordering from her in the Undie expect the full force of an ‘Adams tantrum’. Behind the scowl and the molten stare she’s ripping you limb from limb. Charli is very protective of her teeth, which may explain why a smile is something of a rarity. P.S. Did you know her parents are dentists? Callie Foreman Some say that if you look her directly in the eye, a tiny piece of your soul dies. Some say that she was the real reason Bin Laden went into hiding. Some say that her icy glare could reverse the effects of global warming. Some say that she accosted me in the Undie and demanded that I put her in this article. Clare Schwarzberg Banished from her home country of Canadia after she was found responsible for the scorching of 3 small cities Clare is now most likely to be found guarding leprechaun gold on TFL. Notorious for not smiling or talking to anyone in college at all. Ever.

PROTECT the UNCONVICTED RAPIST When

you think of the name Louis Richardson, what comes first to mind; “Secretary of Durham University’s Union Society and History graduate” or “that guy from JoBo who was cleared of rape”? Be honest. I know what my answer is.

“

...a thousand doors slam shut as soon as someone accused of sexual assault is named by the media...

”

You can hear a thousand doors slam shut as soon as someone accused of sexual assault is named by the media, even before trial has begun. The accusing jaws of the tabloid, thirsty for a shocking headline, are unforgiving. Guilty, until proven innocent, appears to be the modern mentality involving cases such as Louis’. This is demonstrated by damning and pretty pre-determined headlines such as “Former secretary of Durham Union Society’s debating club ‘raped and sexually assaulted fellow students’”.

And even when the hell is over and the legal stance is that no crime has been committed, it is still a criminal that we see.

This leads us to a highly controversial question, one that many are afraid to ask, but one that is vital to ask: Why on earth are we naming the charged before a conviction? The victim, quite rightly, is protected. But why isn’t the accused? If proven innocent, they are in fact the victim of a careless and life destroying story. At the age of 21, Louis was hung out to dry.

”

Girls - introducing the high profile case of an acquitted sexual assaulter as your new boyfriend to your mum will be uncomfortable, and for many, out of the question. Boys - much as you hate to admit it, would you want them taking your little sister out for dinner and drinks? This is due to a question of identity. As soon as your name is even remotely related to something as horrific and torturing as rape, your identity is blurred and distorted. Louis has been cleared by the jury, but not by the public’s, or the journalists’, memory. He has committed no crime, but googling his name, and thus exploring his identity, (which every potential employer will do when looking at his applications) is equivalent to reading a horror story. The individual acquitted of rape is a PR nightmare and every possible client’s reason to look elsewhere. It is baffling, terrifying even, to know we still allow such a mediaeval and cruel approach to our judicial system. Of course it is the media’s responsibility to report the facts, and maybe even offer an opinion, but is it not also the media’s responsibility to protect and withhold something which as a democratic nation we are supposedly so proud of. Something which our friends across the seas notoriously lack: Our belief in absolute innocence, until proven guilty.

“

Why on earth are we naming the charged before a conviction?

”

Yes, the cases of Steven Avery and Brendan Dassey highlight fundamental and horrifying flaws in the American legal system, but let’s not forget the devastating effect of ours at home. Let’s face it, Louis Richardson’s identity as an innocent and hardworking young man has been corrupted and made dirty, and he is just one of many who have been falsely accused and forever tainted.

Laundry Room Etiquette

Yep, we feel the same.

Use of the Bailey Court laundry may be the single worst thing about living in. For the freshers, it’s a term in and you need to learn to do your laundry without Mummy on the end of the phone. For the finalists, try not to dream about the unimpeded access to the washer/tumble drier combo of second year. Here are some tips to make our common experience in that overheated, glorified broom cupboard a little less hellish.

Plan a whole day for washing. I can write a 2,000 word summative in the time it takes to separate my whites and colours (yes freshers, you really should), trek down the Barbican and across Palace Green leaving a trail of socks in the manner of Hansel and Gretel, return half-hourly in the knowledge that it will be neither properly clean or dry, and then lug everything back.

Set aside at least half your student loan (and a good portion of your soul) for washing costs.

Whilst transferring washing from machine to machine, pants are guaranteed to hit the floor. If you happen to observe this unfortunate incident, it’s considered polite to stare at the ceiling (not the floor, too near the underwear). However great the temptation, do not comment on the pants. Please, in the name of all that is holy, do not pick up the pants. They’re definitely pants, not a tissue.

A small group will form of the people doing their washing on the same schedule. Even as you collectively return to put the tumble drier on for the fourth time, maintain silence. No-one wants an inane chat as you’re desperately trying to hide your grotty old bra in a pillowcase.

Whoever stole my black cami top (last seen Saturday 30th January), you are depriving me out of my standard spontaneous night-out outfit. Please return it to K64 ASAP.

Things we should have a vote for a vote of no-confidence in: • Blackjack: petted him last week and still felt like shit. Further vote in the pipeline to have him put down. Further vote on the method. I recommend drowning him in tea. • Toby Atkinson-Coyle’s colon. • College Condom Jessie Layman. • Gus Woolley’s personal hygiene. • Gus Woolley’s extra-personal hygiene. • Anyone North of Watford. • Sparkle Soc. • Gus Woolley. • Excessive boob in formal. • Will Throp’s dungarees. • Jane Markey’s drunken lectures on menstruation. Positives: I now know what an ‘extra-large with wings’ is. Negatives: I now know what an ‘extralarge with wings’ is. • Kempy’s knowledge of the above: ‘is that a type of tampon?’ • People who take offense on other people’s behalf. • The horizontal movement of Elliot Brown’s head. • The timing of Chris Loadman’s trips to visit his girlfriend. • Charli Adams’ blood pressure. • The perpetuation of a social structure that elevates those who consume alcohol in excess and alienates those who do not want to engage in that behavior. • Shaheen’s business acumen. • Toby Atkinson-Coyle’s bladder. • The structural lay-out of the Keep staircase; it encourages debauchery. • The reed diffusers outside the toilets. • Harry-Henley Smith’s incognito tab. • The justification behind Bodge’s bike. • Fabio’s tax returns.

Sympathetic Student Solutions NG’s resident agony aunts, Mark Brownson and Tom Priestner answer your most pressing problems. My roommate keeps bringing girls back while I’m asleep, how do I tell him that I find this weird and inappropriate?

Mark: I think your roommate is completely within his rights. Just make sure you fall asleep before he gets there and put ear plugs in. Tom: Yeah, I feel your pain as have spent many a sleepless night crying into my pillow from all of Mark’s girls. Locking the door, stealing his keys and grabbing the ones from the porters should do the trick. I have a huge crush on one of the servery staff - can I act on this, and how?

Mark: We all know in her youth Janet was Miss Durham 6 years in a row and was requested in this year’s DU fashion show - however, I would approach this matter carefully, as I’m afraid she’s simply out of your league.

Tom: Don’t shit where you eat.

I’ve signed a 3 person house for next year but I recently slept with one of my prospective housemates and now it’s really awkward, what do I do?

Mark: I think the best thing to do is to move out or simply accept you shall now have to marry her as it’s unfair on the 3rd wheel. Tom: One down, one to go. I broke my leg on Palatinalps and now I can’t go out for the rest of this term - how do I maintain my reputation for being a great lad?

Mark: Being a lad I assume you do sports science and as such you should probably use this time to switch to a real degree. Tom: Alcohol is God’s painkiller. Enough said. I’m about to meet my boyfriend’s parents for the first time - any advice for making a good first impression?

Mark: Try to be polite, reserved and yet chatty to let them get to know you better. However, considering you’re writing to Durham’s least helpful advice column, don’t be yourself.

Tom: Accept the mum won’t like you and flirt with the dad. N.B. unless you’re gay- I regret giving that advice to Mark in first year.

Coming up next time: I’m really fit and have been in the Castle Fashion Show 3 years running, why wasn’t I chosen this year? All the rugby boys tell me I have a great personality... I’m in second year and was really looking forward to Halfway Hall, why am I being made to run it?

HAPPY ALENTINES AY For those of you who didn’t get any of the V or the D this Valentines, fear not – you are not alone! It turns out many of us Castlemen are yet to make it into the 72%. But where are all us single pringles going wrong? On the 14th of Feb, the Toastie Bar asked lonely, dateless, comfort-eating singletons the all-important question: why are you single? And this is what they said. “So many offers, it’s unfair to pick one and let the rest down” G, Choosy-Craig

“Because I row…” O, (dear) Jackson

“Because I’m pathetic and old and overweight” E, Show-Us-Your-FleshKesh.

“Probably because I keep shitting myself” T, Shatkinson-Coyle

“I’m still recovering from my painful divorce from Jonathan Whittaker” L, Green (AKA, Lissy Whittaker) “Because nobody knows how ripped I am” B, Massive-Rig-Evans

“Why would I need a boyfriend? I buy my sausage from Tesco” L, Bratwurst-Brecknell So, next time you’re feeling down about your depressing solitary existence, turn your attention to these sorry sights, and remember; you are not alone.

Fashion Show Diary For many Epiphany term signals the onslaught of summative stress, Lowe living and ‘dry’ January. However, for a select group (and their dazzling personalities) it’s been a busy few weeks of perfecting rigs, sharpening up Blue Steel impressions and trying to figure out how not to faceplant in front of college. For those not so lucky to be interesting individuals, Floreat is able to offer a unique insight into the life of a CCFS model:

Application

With deadlines looming and dissertation research backlog building up, filling in the model application seemed like the fitting thing to do. After carefully honing my personality and chat over the past 3 years to fit into the Castle rhetoric, I was pretty sure that the sacrifice of my individual personality would pay off.

Selection

‘Accidently’ found out day early during a skype with the infamous Bedigan (sorry Will).

Preparation

In the last few weeks some models have been upping their protein intake, swapping Smenergies for smoothies and generally living the #riglyf whilst my gym pass has been gathering dust, consumed my monthly alcohol allowance over 5 nights and generally forgot what ‘health’ even is. Additionally, twisting my ankle two days before the show is sure to provide for a unique walk.

Rehearsal n/a

Social

This evening of organised fun was threatened from the get go, with issues in finding a location that wouldn’t result in any (Fashion Show) exec getting fired or any more kettles getting vommed in. However, everyone’s favourite Canadian came to the rescue and under her roof(less) abode a night of much frivolity, cross-dressing and questionable stories followed.

The Show

– disclaimer, our exclusive CCFS insider could not reveal any details of the actual night so Eve Smith kindly stepped in: I think my experience at the fashion show is summed up well by the many text-ins I sent over the course of the night. ‘Jane take your top off ’ ‘Boobs 10/10 all round’ ‘#getoscarinhisundies’ ‘VSM HAS TWO DRINKS CHUCK HIM OUT’ and then, simply… ‘FREE THE NIP’. Just about sums it up. From the hilarious parody opener which opened my eyes to boys in eyeliner, to the steamy girls in underwear sashaying down the catwalk, the show offered something for everyone. However, whether they were in ballgowns or casual wear (ahem boys ‘wear your own pants’ walk) the most enjoyable part was seeing how much the models were clearly enjoying themselves. Their moves and mood were infectious and really got the audience going. Carried along beautifully by Varela and JM, as well as the magnetic duo that is Cat Hawkes and an auction, Dom, Miranda and the team really produced something to be proud of.

Ladies and Gentlemen of Castle,

This issue marks the halfway point of the academic year; a time for reflection, for what has been, and anticipation of what is yet to come. And judging by what I have heard so far this term, it looks like it is set to be a gossip-filled term. Yay. My favourite kind. I have left out the biggest scandal of this term from my column, because frankly I am bored of hearing about it. Once your antics make it into exec election videos, you know they are no longer interesting, like the rest of the candidates manifestos. Yawn. #RON2016 As we settle into summative season, it is easy to lock oneself away in the Lowe and away from the bright lights of scandal and debauchery. But always remember; work hard, play hard, embarrass yourself and then have your friends tell me all about it. And who knows, even lib time can be gossip worthy. Rumour has it the Book of Bad Business has been spotted back on the shelves - brownie points for those who make it into that book as well as my column. A coveted achievement. I hate to end on a sour note, but for those of you who think my column is not worth reading, (looking at you Mike) f*ck off to Siberia. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m sure the Gulag is more interesting than college scandal â&#x20AC;Ś You know you love me, XOXO

gossip girl

For the fresh who may have signed up to go on tour later this year, just a word of warning: at Castle, what goes on tour DEFINITELY does not stay on tour. On a recent visit to Barcelona, while SAMpling the local nightlife, one Castleman seems to have forgotten that age is not just a number. Especially when she’s still doing her GCSE’s. This second year had a bit of a shit one at the end of last term, causing a bit of a shit-storm, and having to put up with a lot of shit on the freshers’ FB page. We all know the Bar Social is ‘go hard or go home’, but for some it’s more go hard, go home, put on some clean boxers and then go back to the social. Maybe next time, don’t leave the evidence in the Undie loos. Not sure if I’m being too ambiguous with my clues … But in case there is any shadow of a doubt, it was Toby Shatkinson-Coyle. Yes, that is right - he pooed himself. Karma’s a bitch - and so is having to wash your sheets after finding two people shagging in your bed. That’ll teach you not to clean up your own mess. One fresher found the night take a turn for the worse after a successful pull in Shack. She managed to reach the bathroom to chun in the Nic(ols) of time, but in the process managed to lock herself out of his room, roaming the corridors of Moatside with only a pair of T(A)RAiners to cover her dignity. Scratch that from the sounds of it she has no dignity worth covering. It’s not often I hear of goss concerning the MCR, but one gentleman in particular keeps coming up among my informants. After driving one Floreat editor Mad(dy) with lust, he then was spotted days later escorting another finalist up to the Keep after Burns’ Night. But he doesn’t live in the keep … And neither did she. Generally when people go to J27, they take advantage of the free condoms, and not the free bed. Oh yes, this dEmonic pal well and truly broke bro code. Such a man of mystery, his own friends had to hack his phone and track his whereabouts eventually back to Owengate. P.S Celia did you ever find your pants in the end??? #stayclassy Over the weekend of the DU Fashion Show it seemed like anyone and everyone was back in Durham. In amongst the tears, tantrums, cheating and bat-shit cray behaviour of the Saturday night, this Forem(an)er GG may have got a little too excited and promptly vommed all over the courtyard. Yuck. The bad behaviour also continued when she left her friend to clean up ‘the fried egg of vomit’ (Stephen the Porter, 2016). What is it with people not being able to make it to the toilet on time (see gossip #2)? She was then traumatised by the activities of her next door neighbour at 4am. Note for those on the ballot, Owengate rooms are great but the walls are THIN.

THE BACK PAGE Some of castleâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s finest having a less than ideal night... Plan your way home kids!

This issue was brought to you by: Charli Adams, Archie Balfour, Daisy Blaksley, Tabby Boyd, Mark Brownson, Scarlett Down, Celia Durkan, Callie Foreman, Ellie Hill, Dom Humphrey, Tom Priestner, Emily Sporik, Charlotte Spence, Isaac Turner, Maddy Vincent, Harriet Walsh and Sarah Westlake.

“The moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease forever to be able to do it.” J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

Cover by Tabby Boyd