Floreat The Farewell Issue
In This Issue . . 2 3 4 8 13 17 20 25 26 28 30 29 31
Editors Letter #CASTLE The Election Reflection Tour Reports Floreat’s Guide to the Ultimate Snapyear A look back to pre-fresh Fresher Houses House Rules for Livers Out – Some Final Tips June Ball Disaster Protocol A guide to Goldrush Castle Does Take Me Out Gossip Girl The Back Page
A massive thank you to Katherine Hurst for her fantastic artwork on the covers of Floreat this year! To see more of her work check out www.katherine.tk.
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Letter from the Editor Another year over and another haze of beverages, warm and sticky nights in Klute, college banter and work (occasionally). Freshers’ week feels like an age ago and June, as ever, has gone way too fast. For those of you lucky enough to be back again next year, Floreat looks forward to welcoming you with open arms, like an embarrassing aunt, bringing up all those dirty and dishy secrets you wished had stayed dead for ever. Take a break and treat yourself this summer. But try not to do anything we wouldn’t do. For those of you graduating in the coming weeks, Floreat Castellum wishes you all the best of luck for your future in cosy Clapham. Don’t be too disheartened about leaving college life. Several dedicated alumni have already proven that letting go is definitely not compulsory when entering the “real world”. Perhaps, one day, your name can be the one that Fresher’s confusingly exclaim “Who is this Holford bloke that I have heard so much about? Was he a BNOC once?” In the meantime, I will leave you with a quote from the wisest and most banterful lad around:
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#CASTLE @floreatcastellum
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The Election Reflection After the most important general election in a generation, it comes down to the self-proclaimed Floreat Political Correspondent Mike Bedigan to give a post-election debrief‌
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Ed Miliband
‘It’s important to engage with the voters. That’s why I always start conversations with the absolute cheekiest of squeezes.’ Hair: Ed Miliband’s hair is a gelled train wreck: it has enough grease in it to lubricate a medium sized brothel, or maybe one of his industrial-strength bacon fryers… Pretty damn grim, 3/10 Beach bod: Ed Miliband’s body is less of a temple, more of a small chapel in deepest darkest Stockton… I suppose you could say that he just isn’t tough enuss, so it’s just a 2/10 Fashion sense: Moses rocks the ‘sandals and robe’ look and that’s fine by me, so perhaps an 8/10? Oh, wait, sorry, wrong guy – easily confusable I suppose – they’re both Jewish, write rules in stone and fuck off their brothers (although, admittedly, Miliband didn’t kill David’s firstborn). In comparison to Moses’ fashion, Mili has nothing – 0/10, at least until he gets Old Testament-chic in that drab wardrobe of his… Spouse: Miliband’s wife Justine looks a bit like a 50 year old Emma Watson after another short haircut – crumbs, she looks more butch than her husband… That’s hardly a challenge, so it can’t deserve more than a 4/10 Desirability: The man has two kitchens – as long as one of them has an Aga, consider me moist and spread-eagled – 10/10 Resignation style: Mili’s resignation showed him to be kind, funny and genuine in ways that we hadn’t seen before. Dear God, did the British people get it wrong? Probs not. We do owe him some thanks, of course – thank you for the selfies, for the memes, and for the hen party photos. Finally, thank you for Milifandom. A cult to bring our country together, as one united Britain. A cult for ordinary, hard-working people. Stirring stuff, 10/10 Total: 29/60
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Nick Clegg ‘Oh, David’s? About… this big, give or take?’
Hair: Clegg’s hair has a boyish charm to it, much like his political ideology – it’s untamed, poorly thought-through and definitely worth growing out of… I’ll give it a 7, to match his hair’s age-range
Beach bod: Does he really need a good one? Would anybody even notice if Nick Clegg went on holiday? Whitehall could replace him with a Dolce Gusto coffee machine and a fleshlight… Eurgh, as much as I do like coffee, it’s only a 3/10 Fashion sense: Nick Clegg is right on trend with his cowardly pastel yellow tie collection, which adds a dash of colour to his otherwise lacklustre excuse for a work life… 7/10, he needs the sympathy. Spouse: Clegg’s 3 children, who were named Antonio, Alberto and Miguel by his Spanish wife Miriam will all be brought up Roman Catholic, like their mother. It looks like he doesn’t get a say at home and we all know that he didn’t get a say at work either. She must be a ball-breaker, which must be respected. Or feared. Either way, it’s a 10/10. Please don’t hurt me Miriam… Desirability: If you love spineless, tedious, libido-less liberals with the personality of a used condom then Clegg is your guy, but his wife might bite your genitals off… In the interests of my own personal safety it’s a 0/10 – he’s all yours Miri Resignation style: Clegg had a rather awkward resignation – he explained how monstrously the Lib Dems had been fucked in the election (in somewhat less colourful language) and then took responsibility for it. In the moment that followed, it felt as if he wanted someone to object, as if he hoped that Vince Cable would jump onto a table shrieking ‘Oh captain, my captain’. He didn’t. He done fuck up, 2/10 Total: 29/60
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David Cameron Hair: The slowly receding hairline of our PM reeks of middle-agedness – it’s less of a haircut and more of a hair fallout… Perhaps he wants to be bald, which would be fortunate, because I reckon that after one more term in office he could look remarkably like a malnourished Ed Pickles. Sounds thrilling – 7/10
‘It’s about this much longer than Nick’s…’
Beach bod: D Cam is rocking the puffy look this year, with a body reminiscent of a freshly made flan – squishy, with bubbles… I like flan, so it’s an 8/10 Fashion sense: Long-gone are those heady spunk-guzzling Eton days of tailcoats and top hats. Now Cameron chooses to show-off the monotonous dreary melancholy expected of any British leader with an exquisite collection of dull suits – would the odd pashmina really be that bad? Or maybe a bralette? There’s potential, so I’ll give him a 6/10 Spouse: Samantha Cameron, or Sam Cam, is vaguely horsey in nature, with a long face and strong thighs, perfect for riding… There’s no point in half-arsed horsing around with horse-like women – 2/10 Desirability: if you like men with power and looming mid-life crises then this one is for you, and according to tabloid rumours he has recently started hiring his own slave, a recently-unemployed man known affectionately as Cleggy-weggy… A slave would be handy, so 7/10 Resignation style: Whilst Cameron didn’t actually resign, perhaps he should have done. No, wait, my mistake, he won. You stay there Big-D, Downing Street is yours… I would say 10/10, but his Cabinet is dire (he simply must give Gove the old heave-ho), so I’ll go for 5/10 Total: 35/60
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TOUR REPORTS
UCNC Take Budapest First Stop: Boat-gate After a sleepless night and 7 hours waiting in Stansted (thanks UCRFC), UCNC headed out for a boat trip along the Danube. A massive cock-up from our rep (dubiously named Stiffie) led to the group being split in half. Our relationship with the reps deteriorated even further, with the Queen of Sass, Lydia Reid, putting them in their place. The bumpy start to the night didn’t stop two girls from pulling, with Stiffie becoming a 21st birthday present for one third year. Second Stop: A ‘Free’ Walking Tour On the first day in Budapest, we took advantage of a free 3 hour walking tour to take in all the sights as easily as possible. We quickly discovered, however, that this tour would not contain as much as walking as listening to Erika’s lectures on everything from Hungarian football players to her own apartment. Highlights included: half the group bailing after the first stop (in hindsight, a wise decision), and Helen falling asleep at the side of a bridge. Third Stop: After a boozy night in one of the ruin bars, UCNC decided to take a break in the famous thermal baths. Low point: an old Hungarian man decided to take photos of the entire group in bikinis… The UCNC-UCRFC Exchange On the Wednesday night the poor, unsuspecting Tom Blackwood was sent all the way from Vienna, via Bratislava, to join UCNC for the evening. Blackwood was quickly remade into Tracy, fit with a bikini, skirt, and expert make up. After enduring four hermit sessions Tracy made it out to Insta, and even stayed in
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character, insisting he was a girl when a club worker tried to throw him out of the girls’ toilets. Fourth stop: Two separate groups decided to travel up to the highest point of Budapest – the Liberty Monument. For one group, it was a mere 20 minute walk. For another, it was a 2 hour trek involving a tram, the metro, two buses and an extra 20 minute walk when Helen decided to get everyone off at the wrong stop. The Final Night: For the finalists the final night was always going to be a messy one but special mentions go to: 1. 2. 3.
Daisy Norman, for getting slapped by a Hungarian woman. Katie Bailey, for being let down by her Macdonalds bae who refused to give her chips. Hiwot, for bringing a boy back to the hostel, to the surprise of the rest of her room in the morning.
All in all, a fantastic week in Budapest, with enough cheap wine and dodgy go-pro photos to last a lifetime. A massive thanks to Kath Patel for her great organisation.
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TOUR REPORTS
UCDC After an extremely anti early wake-up, the group boarded the minibus and headed for the airport where immediately the bevs began to flow. Despite the lack of inflight entertainment some of the group were treated to a flustering display from Sarah and her apparent fear of flying, just about making up for the irritating music on-board. Four hours later, we arrived in Corfu and after one nail-biting taxi journey we reached hotel Telemachos where we were all very keen to bev. After spending the day drinking the apparently ‘alcoholic’ beer included in our stay and playing a seemingly endless game of Battle-Pool the group departed for Ypsos. No surprise that after a mere half hour of leaving the hotel Sarah was found to be out of action. Even a stray ice cube and an unpleasant soundboard failed to wake her more than once. It was Ben and Georgia that came to the rescue and after Ben faced the wrath of Lidja’s random slaps the three departed back to the hotel. For those remaining, the introduction of some Dutch girls set the tone for the evening at Dirty Nellies. Gaskell however favoured the bars toilet bowl to female company. Aside from Harris’ encounter with a thorn bush and Gell and Holliday dunking the freshers in the pool, Tuesday was much the same, with watered-down beer in the afternoon and brutal cocktails in the evening. That night, however, it was Hayes who was the first to take a beating, but a skilful Lidja ensured his head was pointing in the right direction out of the taxi
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window to escape the dreaded chunder fine. In the early hours of Wednesday morning, Hayes experienced a rather rude awakening when a lost Robson demonstrated his impersonation of an indoor water fountain. Never that, Robson. After Alec’s attempt to dispose of Holliday on the back of a hired quad bike, the beach was to be the destination of choice for the day. The people of Corfu agreed just how anti Tom Cummins was however, as we quickly climbed to the top of Corfu’s hottest Yaks. Upon arrival back at the hotel, Gell somewhat unfortunately lost his clothes and found himself posing on his balcony for the terrified guests of Telemachos. After the hunt for the rest of Gell’s penis proved to be a lost cause, an excitable Holliday, Dillon and Gell changed their flights to extend their stay, much to the surprise of a drunk Gell once he had regained consciousness. The evening brought with it karaoke night, where a completely empty bar was treated to some beautiful renditions of It’s Raining Men by Robson, YMCA by Holliday and Cheeky Girls by van Gerbils. Ypsos was once again the destination of choice for the night, where we were treated to a wonderful solo dance effort from Sam Harris. Thanks to a kind bartender, a taxi was not necessary for the journey home, with Ben proving just how spacious the boot of VW Golf can be. Due to the antics of the previous night only some of us made the early start to visit Aqualand, where Chris enjoyed a €30 sleep. A quick game of beer pong later that day sealed the deal for Holliday as he enjoyed some sweet holiday romance. That night Hayes continued to be massacred by ravenous mosquitoes. Most of the group were well rested for the flight home the following morning, however Kieron, Harris and Alec endured a rough journey back to reality after choosing not to sleep the night before. Finally Harris’ 100 hours of drunkenness had come to a bitter end and UCDC tour was over for one more year.
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TOUR REPORTS
Castle Cheer • •
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After a very successful first year, Castle Cheer rounded off the year with 5 days in Barcelona. Highlights included:
A 3am surprise rendition of ‘Who the f*** are Hatfield College’ to an unsuspecting Hatfield football team, who had failed to get into any of the 20 clubs at the beach. Shona helped them out. The stag party from New Delhi who invited us into their VIP area. One of them thought it would be a lovely idea to pour Grey Goose all over Ellen’s face and then offered to spank her. She politely declined. Amazement at Amanda’s general food obsession. Wearing cheer outfits to dinner without realising it was one of the poshest restaurants we could’ve chosen. Many strange looks were received. Wenrong telling us that “Nothing gets in the way of my learning!” Getting asked if we are a professional dance troupe after performing ‘The Wobble’ dance. The answer is yes, obviously. Russell Brand look-alike Jason, who serenaded us with a rendition of ‘Are You Lonesome Tonight’ whilst meowing furiously. Laura and Laurel’s beach performance of Moulin Rouge’s Elephant Love Medley. Guess the quote: “I’m not overconfident, I’m just better than you.” “Friction is uncomfortable.” “I was so fat I broke my mother’s ankle.” “The only reason I have sex with him is for tech support.” “Nothing’s gone wrong apart from my weenus injury.”
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Floreat’s Guide to the Ultimate Snap-Year Missed the internship boat? Forgot to sign up for that DUCK expedition? Can’t face the idea of cleaning dishes at your local with your pervy manager asking you to ‘work late’, again? With almost half a year off for summer, it’s time to discover yourself on a ‘snapyear’ (aka, a gap-summer). It’s the perfect way to ‘enlighten the body, mind and soul’ by getting pissed overseas and creating some exotic memories. Daisy Blaksley and Miranda Robson provide Floreat with a few tips from their gap year adventures. Where to go? Europe - Typically a post-A-Level trip, if you want to return with a plethora of stories about missing your train and cramming huge metropolises into 48 hours, then this is for you. Get rid of those FOMO feelings you had aged 17 when you were sat at home retaking your Maths A Level. South East Asia - A right of passage for every traveler with a pair of flip flops and a wife beater. A spiritual and emotional journey of riding elephants, sexual experiences with Bangkok’s finest and permanently having the shits,
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Miranda #diditforthegram. Actually pussied out of skydiving and did this instead.
it’s an obvious choice. Plus you’ll treasure your chun-covered neon clothing from Full Moon Party for the rest of your life. South America - The birthplace of all those tedious salt flat perspective Facebook uploads. The "Gringo Trail" typically runs from the cosmopolitan streets of Buenos Aires, up through the more indigenous Bolivia (cue "survived death road" cycling snaps), Peru (more identical Machu Picchu photos), and then Ecuador (the one everyone forgets). Often regarded as a more cultured alternative to the SE Asian tubing experience, South America offers some of the most breathtaking travelling experiences - provided you can avoid the coked up Aussies. Australia/New Zealand - Whether you’re getting on the chop (boozing) with your NZ tour guide, posing next to a kangaroo or throwing yourself off a bridge, the land Down Under is a destination not to miss. Hire a VW Campervan, decorate it so you look like a seriously edgy traveller, and hit the road. Then move onto to New Zealand, home of rugby and sheep, exhilarating adventures and a bloody great sense of humour. You’ll have more fun there, but don’t be afraid to ask Daddy for some pennies, it gets rather expensive when you skydive one day and whale-watch the next. Trans-Siberian Express - Your less generic snap year route. Stuck in a stuffy cabin with smelly Russian men and no showers, this 'epic journey' may actually make you miss your Bailey Court prison rooms. From Russia's harsh cities to the sun-kissed steppe and the Gobi desert of Mongolia to traipsing along the Great Wall in unbearable humidity, it can be completed in a month and is less expensive than you might imagine. Choose your travel companions carefully, you’re likely to tire of Vladmir’s Gulag stories rather quickly.
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DOs Do keep a journal, it may seem cringe at the time but It’ll be worth when you can’t remember the end of the story that begins ‘this one time on my gap year…’. Do make sure your friends and family know about how your whole perspective on life has changed since you made that deep connection with that Buddhist monk to whom material objects mean nothing. Do take loads of photos, especially in front of beautiful scenery with your arms in the air, because after all you are young. Do expect to find out that your new friend who you’ve met halfway across the world is actually also from Surrey, and that your cousin went to school with his brother. #omgwhat Do take up a new sport, surfing? Paragliding? Skydiving? Who knows, you may discover your true calling, if you haven't done so already with the castle ultimate frisbee team.
Akachi posing for Miranda’s tinder profile #humanitariansoftinder
Daisy on her homemade raft for the local commute. Assimilation at it’s finest.
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Daisy in her philanthropic element. Patchy harem pants are a must to ’fit in’, yet only the tourists wear them.
Snapchatting her lobster legs, #Straya.
DONT’S Don’t post a photo at every airport check in, on every beach or after every sunset. Do one big album at the end, but with occasional updates just so people don’t forget you are on the other side of the world. Don’t be surprised when you bump into that boy you thought you’d never see again, who you shagged with eight other people in the room. The backpacker trail exists on every continent. Don’t return with a jumped up sense of self purpose because you’ve ‘done your bit’ and proved it by uploading that picture with toothy African children climbing all over you. Don't talk about it. Nobody cares. Keep your sense of self-fulfilment to yourself. YOU may have found yourself, but nobody else was looking for you.
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PRE-FRESH LOOK BACK This year is coming to a rapid conclusion and it feels only fitting to look back to its humble beginnings. Back to a time when the currently outgoing Fresher year were yet to be matriculated, merely drifting hopelessly through the confusion of educational transition. Enjoy these excerpts from the Castle Freshers’ page, showcasing the absurdity of pre-fresh thought processes.
The Ezra Saga Whilst some pre-fresh avoid posting for fear of judgement, some go in balls-first, giving approximately zero shits about the consequences. Perhaps this prefresh thought that he would seem cool – sure, you buy tickets to a concert without knowing anyone else going because you just don’t care and, yeah, you’re willing to admit that you’re a major fan of a shitey folky soft-rocky melt of a man, but do I want to know you? Ummmm no. Clearly someone did though… Oi oi… Addressing the Bloody Obvious Where else would your postal address be? If college’s address didn’t suffice, what would we do? Use Klute? Have parcels delivered to the Billy B? Letters arriving at Urban Oven?
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Nota Bene - Yes, that is a really, really stupid question. The sort of question so stupid, in fact, that no one who realised the sheer inanity of it could possibly feel the desire to ask it. It’s a rooky mistake of colossal proportions, a classic schoolboy error – Bailey Court is only shite, whereas 26 NB is shite and far away. Get it
The Enigma - Without a doubt the most coy, intriguing and tantalising post from the pre-fresh – what needed to be put in a safe? What was so valuable that it would turn even the law-abiding Castle brigade into savage burglars? Let me guess – the condom that you’ve owned for so long it’s literally an antique? Take it to Fiona fucking Bruce and then we’ll see if you need a bloody safe. Smug twat.
Some people are so tyre-ing – Try the internet. Just an idea. If you knows what that is, of course.
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Well Fancy That – No, this university town does not have a fancy dress shop. We’re actually all sufficiently on top of our lives that we order costumes well in advance of events and have them delivered. Sure. Or even better, the other shops in Durham tend to sell what we need – Flat White operates a wavey garms subsidiary, HSBC offers a surprisingly nice selection of togas and Wilko is actually really big on bargain lederhosen. Can everyone just stop peacocking their idiocy? Good God.
Could you B any more annoying? – No mate, just you in there. The whole thing, just for you. Because you’re worth it. College office know it, the Exec know it and now you know it.
I can’t even. This is monstrous. There is a place in Hell, breaking bread with Satan and Stalin for this sartorially-spasmodic pre-fresh.
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Livers Out: 2015-2016 Blame it on May
Mayorswell live with these guys
20 May Street
5 Mayorswell Field
Izzee Mason, Leah Topham, Minna Bland, Ellen Clarke, Jennifer Howe, Bertie Bricusse, Andrew Taylor.
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Victoria Hancock, Katy Hartley, Sonia Vallentin, Gillian Cooke, Ruth Downie, Ranulph Hely Hutchinson, Ben Turner.
58 shades of Crossgate
58B Crossgate Lenna Kovacevic Teresa Katajisto, Anaïs Anaïs, Philippe Mattoo, David Remili, Francesc Mora Ortega.
Claypath to Enlightenment
Flat A1, 95 Claypath Wenrong Li, Max Danieks, Oscar Zhang, Giselle O’Donoghue.
Openly Cliquey Party Avenue
26 The Avenue
Scousing for girls
51 The Avenue
Genie Rendell, Clare Schwarzberg, Lydia Reid, Abby Scott, Kate Marles, Maddie Gough, Shona Graham, Siobhan Slattery, Florence Moore, James Simpson, Catriona Crellin, Oli Keyzor. Charlotte Varela, Ismay Frances Fox, Ellie Hill.
Lagerman Sparkle Party
11 Laburnum Avenue Albert Gordon, Archie Balfour, Ben Evans, Louisa Mathieu, Megan Griffiths, Daisy Blaksley.
Bad B!tche$ of Brierville
13 Brierville Samya Singh, Sian Lombard, Sarah Brooks, Cordelia Griffith, Jessica White, Hilaire Blyth, Carmen Bowes.
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pLEAZE rePLACE Julian James
11 Leazes Place
No Church in the Wild
11 Church Street
Lara Janes-Walton, Eleanor Hinchlie, Tom Robson, Soraya Rahall, Edward Elliott, Charlotte Spence, Evan Penn, Ben Pearce, Alex Demidov, Ben Abreo, Fraser DesforgRobert Cavaye, es-Medhurst, Julian James. Shaun Sharkey.
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Wanless problem without ya
11 Wanless Terrace James Shinner, Tom Harper, Aidan Bracebridge, Rob Parkin, Vlada Oulitskaia, Olivia Hesketh, Charlie Newton.
Palestine View of the West Bank (of the Wear)
1 Palatine View Will Morris, Joel Turner, Will Hayes, Rory Cartmell.
66-BNOC knock. Who's there? You wouldn't Socks, Sax know us and anyway. Rock ‘n’ Roll
N18htmare on Slutton Street
Neville have I ever had a Longbottom
18 Sutton Street
7 Neville Street
66B North Road
Fabian Sheedy, Harry Humfrey, Tristan Robinson, Michael Hall, Chloe Brooker, Ellie Jones.
Lucy Strick, Emma Falk, Lizzie Brecknell, Scarlett Down, Alex Carr.
Ella Cowen, Natalie Mills, Annie Berry, Thomas Preece, Richard Waller, Alex Sherriff.
10 Laburnum Avenue Chris Siblerberg, Daniel Garel, Elizabeth Purser, Rosier Gardner.
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House of godka
22 Jump Street
eMAYgency
28 Whinney Hill
22 May Street
13 May Street
Alastair Poole, Georgia Whiteside, Sarah Smith, Georgia Schneider.
Lissy Green, Dom Turner, Freddie Keen, Clemmie Metcalfe, Immy Smethers.
Niamh McGinty, Jordan Boyce, Jimmy Lee, David Thorne, Ben Gilbey, Jake Hobson, Catriona Duffy.
“I’ve got 49 problems, but Albert aint’ one”
Down 'n' Bertie
49 Albert Street
54 Albert Street
James Waite, Alice Dee, Thalia Hutcheson, Lauren Yates, Ella Kind, Shannon Trigg, Abi Willis.
Georgia Cashman, Catherine Gillen, Alex Perry, Rueben Scriven, Jack Miller, Liam Hesketh, Owen Jackson.
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House Rules for Livers Out Some Final Tips ...
So, you’re a fresh and you’ve just completed your first year at Duzza - while every single one of you is lying back in the sunny courtyard sipping your free softies, a storm is brewing over the viaduct. However, second year wisdom (and/or trial and error) can prevent said storm… DO NOT go mental over little things like who’s going to buy the bog roll; passive aggressive notes are not going to get the washing up done, doing the washing up will get the washing up done. DO expect to go through shit-tonnes of loo roll (no pun intended) - literally, we still have no idea why this happens but it does, so accept it. DO NOT have loud sex when you know your housemates are in the surrounding rooms trying to avoid hearing you penetrating/being penetrated. Not cool. DO warn us before you do have this inevitable loud sex. A text will suffice - it’ll give them a chance to run off and shield their ‘innocent’ ears (it’ll mean they’ll do the same for you when they pull on next Lloyd’s Wednesday). DO NOT expect one housemate to do all your washing/cleaning/cooking etc. They will spit in your food whether you know it or not and you’ll get a reputation in the house as ‘that housemate’. DO split chores and meals - sharing is caring. DO NOT microwave salmon (I’m looking at you, Jess Christy). DO embrace different cooking methods - you no longer have to eat college food, so why eat like you do? DO NOT expect living out to be like living in college. DO expect it to be even better.
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June Ball Disaster Protocol by Mike Bedigan There will inevitably be at least one person that gets JB wrong. Very wrong. What would you do in the following more than likely scenarios? What does it say about you as a person?
1. Person X is getting rowdy at the meal, having already pre-drank and smashed the champagne reception. a) Shush them and give them water and extra bread to line their stomach and keep them happy: b) Remind them how much fun the game ‘bogies’ is to play. c) Prepare them a speech to deliver after the master’s. 2. Person X drinks several more double G&Ts, then makes a less than straight line towards the person they’ve pining after all year: a) Take them gently by the hand and direct them back towards the bar. b) Push them into the senate suite closet with the nearest rando you can find. c) Go down to the Lowe with them yourself for some Bad Business.
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3. Person X is throwing some seriously dangerous shapes in to the headline act’s Ipod playlist that is playing in the Great Hall: a) Gather a few friends and form a protective wall around person X to limit collateral damage to a UNESCO world heritage site. b) Odds them on to stage dive. c) Put your freakum dress on and challenge them to a twerk off. 4. Person X vomits into 2 pint glasses and then down themselves: a) Take them home, throw them in the shower and put them to bed. b) Laugh, take a picture and upload to the fresher’s page the following day. c) Challenge them to danger fives to down both of them. 5. Person X makes a Jesus-style resurrection and arrives, still hammered at survivors breakfast. a) Get them water and toast and remove their sunglasses so they don’t look like a complete twat for the survivor’s photo. b) Put a sausage butty in their hand and suggest they start a food fight. c) Suggest they make a final gold rush bid with a member of the servery staff.
Answers: Mostly A = Top bloke or blokette: See Harry Henley Smith about applying to welfare. Mostly B = Bad egg: Should’ve gone to Hatfield. Mostly C: Wild card: Some people just want to watch the world burn Mixture of all 3: We have no idea, this quiz doesn’t actually mean anything…
Try and avoid this.
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The Golden Rules of Gold Rush We’ve had pre-season, summative season and exam season so now Emily Sporik presents you with the one and only Gold-rush season. With exams finally over and Castlemen soon to descend back to the home counties/Clapham it’s time to get down to some serious Bad Business.
1)
We’ve all been referred to as the Tech Generation, so it’s time to embrace it. If you’re a guy on Grindr you’ll have more requests than the servery has potato options. For the rest of us it means getting Tindr and getting out some very questionable chat up lines or even the murky waters of Yik Yak.
2)
In the words of Tyra SMIZE, all in the eyes boys and girls.
3)
So you’ve been lusting over someone all year over your eight law books in the Lowe? Well this is the time to act on impulse and graduate from student to (self-proclaimed) expert and make sure studying isn’t the only intense activity happening in these UNESCO walls.
4)
Unless you’ve already found your 72% and are happily breezing onto the next stages of domestic life it’s probably best not to extend your
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family, college or otherwise. In the words of Castle Condom, “bag it and tag it”. 5)
Much of life is better when done in pairs (or trios if you’re being pedantic #smenergydreaming) so grab some fellow Castlemen and get them in on it with you. Also, to make things a bit more exciting, add a prize into the mix. Last year, for instance, a TOTW and Smenergy was the reward of choice for the most successful.
6)
Goldrush is not for the faint-hearted. Although you may bleed cardinal, sometimes you have to unleash your inner Grey. Word on the bailey is that there are some spare ‘props’ in Moatside stairs.
7)
Locals do not count.
8)
The word on the street is that Urban Oven is the next Nova. Add a little extra spice to your drunken take away in order to ensure post club canoodling.
9)
Bit concerned about your final grades? Goldrush is not age exclusive, so bump up those marks with a bit of bump and grind in your academic advisor meetings.
10)
Klute.
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Castle Edition
Jess Christy becomes a scouse Paddy McGuinness as she helps you meet the 12 lucky contestants who missed out at this year’s Castle Day on finding their true love.
Lissy Green
1st year Degree: Geography Talent: As well as being able to handle her ores and keep up the pace, Lissy is a budding fashionista and designer. We’re sure those nimble fingers will come in handy. Qualities looked for in a partner: Lissy is looking for a man with good co(cks)ing ability and a love for a bit of bump in grind in her favourite stomping ground, Klute. Your go-to chat up line: I’d stroke for you any day.
1st Year Degree: Natural Sciences Talent: This desirable lady is your go to companion for all things gap yah and could give you the journey of your life. Qualities looked for in a partner: She has a love for all things exotic and is looking for a man who can satisfy her love for exploration down under. Go to-chat up line: This wouldn’t feel like Lonely planet If I was with you.
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Daisy Blaksley
3rd Year Degree: Bio-Med Talent: Eleanor has a knack for handling specialist equipment and is more than prepared to get hot and sweaty leading certain aerobic activities. Qualities looked for in a partner: A guy who knows exactly how to flip her switches and knows exactly where to plug in his leads. Your go-to chat up line: I’d let you turn me on any day.
Gus Woolley
1st Year Degree: Geography Talent: This eligible bachelor could pick up any lady with his incredible strength and could dazzle any prospective partner with his Iron Man crown and tyre chucking abilities. Qualities looked for in a partner: Gus is looking for a girl who is not afraid to be tackled from behind and who isn’t afraid to take both balls at once. Your go-to chat up line: Want to see how strong my bone is?
1st Year Degree: Archaeology and Ancient Civilisations Talent: This first year not only has the sharpest edges around but is also on the DU Polo Team. We’re sure he’d make a great rider. Qualities looked for in a partner: Outstanding dress sense, a good straddle and a strong belief in the Catholic Church. Your go-to chat up line: Are you as edgy as a triangle, because I’d help you try all angles.
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Eleanor Boden
Ben Evans
Dillon Bloomfield
2nd Year Degree: Law Talent: Dillon not only has a strong right arm, essential when playing a good game of darts but also has a knack for downing a snakebite that would impress any lady. Qualities looked for in a partner: An unhealthy obsession with darts, Lord Denning, and a good pint. In that order. Your go-to chat up line: I must be good at darts because with you I’ve hit a bullseye.
2nd Year Degree: Spanish and Russian Talent: This king of comedy and budding actor can bring a smile to any ladies face with short and sharp one liners. Qualities looked for in a partner: Looking for a witty lady with decent chat who is prepared to get on her knees for him (take from that what you will). Your go-to chat up line: Are you a new costume? Because I want to get inside you.
Andreas Hoybach
Mike Bedigan
3rd Year Degree: Philosophy Talent: Andreas can woo even the most head strong woman with his seductive accent. Some even say that he can speak to reindeer. Qualities looked for in a partner: Andreas has been overheard claiming that “Norwegian girls are much better in bed than English girls”. Sorry ladies. Your go-to chat up line: I’m Norwegian.
3rd Year Degree: PPE Talent: Sam’s impressive swing and accurate putting skill seduces all the ladies and his drive in certain areas will make all the girls blush. Qualities looked for in a partner: A limited rough patch and a wide number of holes to offer. Your go-to chat up line: Since the moment I saw you I’ve had a vertical shaft angle.
Sam Reeve
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Dear Ladies and Gentlemen of Castle, The year is finally at an end, and in an effort to keep traditions alive I have decided to once more award College Colours to those who may have missed out at Senior Man Formal, but who have been essential in keeping the scandal alive this year. Forget being the president of a society, being known in the sinful circle of college life, where everyone knows your business and I’m in your frequent Facebook messages is definitely the best way to contribute to college life…in my opinion. It is with great sadness that I hang up my gossip Crown and begin the seArch for my esteemed successor. You have aLl been even more scandaLous that I could have hopEd for, a shining example of debauchery. I can only hope that next year is just a filled with frivolity and scandal. For those of you looking to assume my position, do not try to contact me. I will contact you if, and only if, I deem you to be worthy of this monumental responsibility. I implore you all to remember the University College motto ‘non nobis solum’ in your actions; your escapades are not for yourselves alone, but are to be shared, enjoyed and laid down as part of college history. You know you love me, XOXO
gossip girl
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Cru-Varella de Ville strikes again, but this time it is her partner in crime’s bad behaviour that has caught my eye! This frisky fresher is awarded colours for being the most scandalous newbie, having appeared in almost every GG column this year - keep up the good work! She had to travel all the way to Budapest for her most recent escapade, but unfortunately for her what happens on tour doesn’t always stay on tour. I don’t think the wife and kids will be too happy about this one… (dur)Kan you believe what this second year has been up to? College colours have been awarded to her for being the ultimate multi-tasker - nothing is coming in between her and her goldrush. After going home with a Char-mingly Beard-ed graduate she seemed to lose all sense of propriety,answering her housemates concerned phone call with the opening line of “sorry I can’t talk right now, I’m on top of someone.”. Colours are awarded here for being a stellar college ambassador. This Castle gal put the Doc in Doxbridge while she was on netball tour. Jupping into bed with a soon to be medic from the world’s oldest university. I would say she’s crossed over to the bad side, but I’m just too impressed. Housemate of the year goes to this second year. She has obviously found Aman-dat she wants to hug and kiss, unfortunately for her housemates she apparently wants to do it in their beds. I’m sure we can all agree that this is Tarable behaviour and should not be repeated! Colours are awarded here for the ‘Frep that never was’. Things went West for one group of Castlemen on a recent trip to Marbella. No one was off limits for this Floreat editor, not even the sibling of one of her best friends. Thank god it didn't Rex the friendship, but I’m sure she's given him a great insight into college life. I award college colours to this second year for sheer determination in the face of adversity. Prince Bishops isn't usually the hot spot after dark, but this dentist’s daughter was Adamsment that she was going to make it to Lloyds. Despite the cocktail she had just downed coming back up to say hello, her impeccable dental hygiene and admirable perseverance meant that after a quick brush of her teeth she was ready to go and happily tottered off.
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The Back Page The Alternative Editor’s Letter by Sarah Westlake and Celia Durkan
Being on the Floreat Board has been an enjoyable and rewarding experience for us both. However, despite appearances, the running of Floreat this year has not always been seamlessly smooth. A predominant issue has been that we are blocked out of the Floreat Castellum Facebook account. Losing the entirety of Floreat’s photographic history for the last five years (and all our stalking capabilities of fellow Castlemen) was a stressful and unsettling experience for us all. However, apparently our Twitter account is still going strong, not that the two of us knew it existed all year… We also had some problems with a certain gossipy member of the board (with a certain someone being unceremoniously sacked). While many people tried to guess her identity, even we aren’t too sure of who GG is anymore. Just remember, the definition of a secret is something you tell only one person at a time… It was rather surprising how many people were reluctant to appear in the magazine. As a result, there were certain times when it ended up being a magazine created by us, designed by us, written by us, featuring us… Then there was the ‘incident’ with the Tab. Relations since have been frosty to say the least, but this didnt stop a certain member of the board from writing for them…nor has it prevented our incoming Editor's participation. Celia discovered that she does not exactly have an eye for detail, leaving design notes in the final version of the magazine, typos and even sometimes using photos of the wrong people has been pretty embarrassing. Soz. Despite these hiccups, we’ve really loved being on the editorial board this year, and would like to wish the best of luck to the girls taking over next year! This Issue Was Brought To You By …
Mike Bedigan, Daisy Blaksley, Jess Christy, Celia Durkan, Callie Foreman, GG, Ellen Hughes, Katherine Hurst, Ben Pearce, Miranda Robson, Emily Sporik, Sarah Westlake.
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Veni, Vidi, Vici.