Contents 2 4 8 9 10 12 14 15 16 20 21 29 30 32 34 36 40 42 46 48
Castle Nativity The Lumley Run You Know You’re in Panto When… Losing Face Behind the Scenes Ladies Night: Best Dressed 10 Things… You Learn on a Year Abroad 10 Things… To Do Before You Graduate Movember Snapchat Wall of Fame Top Trumps: Marriage Material [Pull-out] CCA: Where is the Money Going? Fresher 15 The ‘F’ Word How To Tinder Bare-Faced & Beautiful Have You Met Ms. Jones? Castle Cribs Gossip Girl The Back Page
Finalist Wisdom Georgie Willis: “The Christmas tree in the Great Hall looks smaller this year” Harriet Line: “Maybe we’ve just gotten bigger”
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Starring (from left to right): God (Simon Gallow), the star (Henry Winlow), the Angel(s) of the Lord (Hannah Thomas, Hannah Ward and Emily Williams), Herod (Joe Stone), Joseph (Sam Packham), the Virgin Mary (Anna Bailey), the Innkeeper (Colin), the Narrator (Paul Chambers), the Shepherd (Matt Kemp),
The Castle Nativity Story
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Harry Potter (George Dury), Baby Jesus (Will Smith), the Wise Men (George Winstanley, Tyler Ibbotson and Jared Bambridge), the Welsh Sheep (Peter Kirby, Rees ‘Hash’ Brown and George Griggs), the Lobster (Nyall Sharp), the Holiday Armadillo (Sam Reeve) and the dog (Frankie’s dog).
Here at ‘Floreat’ we thought we take you back to the great primary school days and cast our very own Castle Nativity Story
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With front row seats in the Undie on Tuesday 19th, Jane Markey and Lauren McCollum provide a timeline of the nights’ events.
As avid followers of the always enlightening Castle Undercroft Twitter account will be painfully aware, the “live feed” was in fact absolutely NO updates whatsoever after a photograph of the starting line. Weren’t able to make it to the Undie on the big night? Never fear, Floreat are on hand to fill in the gaps.
19:40
A calm before the storm situation. Patchett sits alone at the security desk, the ‘Castle Only‘ sign is on the door and there’s no doubt that it’s a big night in store. Patchett’s not worried though - she’s an experienced chunder clearer and has pretty much no sense of smell due to a cold.
In the Undie, Eve Smith quivers with nerves on her first ever shift. She’s feeling the pressure but is apparently ‘excited to see all the vom’.
19:45
19:42
Z McD, in her capacity as a self proclaimed veteran of Lumley Shifts and high profile member of the Welfare Team, interrupts and tells the bar staff that the best thing to do when the runners arrive is to ‘look them in the eye and say well done’. Undie staff confused.
Classic examples of unethical behaviour from spectators as people jostle forward and someone tries to sit on a high bar stool at the front of the crowd. They are quickly forced backwards by the angry mob.
19:48
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19:49
Joe Stone sends a text to exec members stating that there is a potential finish in under an hour, Rebecca Falk calls a halt to formal early and they flock downstairs to get prime positions.
The pints of Guinness arrive on the barrel and Rowan ‘this isn’t my first Lumley shift, you know’ Williams manages to spill roughly half of them in the process.
19:57
Tom Diment arrives closely followed by Lumley photographer H and a cheer erupts from the crowd. Trying to get to the deeper issues, Lauren McC asks George Griggs (who is positioned at the front of the crowd) how she feels her lover will do. Griggs responds with ‘SHUT UP - HE’S NOT MY LOVER’.
Tom Kearns arrives to an onslaught of cheers from the crowd as he breaks the hour effortlessly. Hendo, on the other hand, appears to have run from the car that he was in to the Undie and is sweating significantly more than our first arrival. Massive chunder from Kearns after his final pint, which is then followed by a photo shoot.
20:01
19:56
19:59
Kearns begins an impromptu striptease. Ladies in the crowd thrilled.
Hoser takes atmospheric shots of the remaining pints from a carefully selected angle. And then from another one. And then from a further six.
20:03
A Tribute to Guinness photographs by Mr M. Hoser
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20:04
As the boys roll in, the girls in the room remember why they came to watch. One welfare blonde describes a certain Mr Sharp as “sexy”, while our USO wants to marry a Mr Flint. We love a man in a suit.
Bromance blossoms as Hedges and Hendo share a sweaty hug. News arrives that Danskin is next to finish. Shrieks of joy from the USO.
20:06
Danskin finishes, although it’s his runner, Ruthven, who looks worse for wear. USO entranced by his strong eat and slips her gown off one shoulder seductively. Hoser complains about camera angles.
The Pope makes his divine entrance. The Floreat girls agree that he looks surprisingly glowing. Ruthven still not recovered.
20:11
20:08
Worrall comes in at number five. Crowd disappointed at his lack of post-Guinness chunder. Williamson follows shortly after, and revives crowd with his aggressive post-Guinness glass smash.
Crowd thrilled by pint race as Firth and Arnbert arrive into the Undie at the same time. Arnbert clinches the win, but the writers appreciate Firth’s fetching pink headwear.
20:13
20:05
20:12
Another close finish as Key arrives with Jedholm hot on his heels.
Ibbotson arrives back to a warm reception in the Undie. Ruthven a worrying shade of grey.
20:13—20:27
20:14
13 minute lull gives the ladies in the crowd plenty of time to discuss Lumley night pulling tactics, with one resourceful Floreat girl noting that the tired and vulnerable competitors may need a hand showering.
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20:27
Undie erupts with chants of “JSM” as the third year comes in in 12th place.
In what has since been called “the most glorious Lumley entrance of all time”, Matt Kemp saunters in and casually drinks a pint of guinness, flanked by Olly Brown in shirt and tie. Undie ecstatic. Biggest cheer of the night ensues. Kemp works the crowd who respond with adoration. Investigative journalism from Palatinate’s own Harriet Line reveals his nipple is bleeding.
20:33
Just when we thought entrances couldn’t get more casual, Evans strolls in. Crowd impressed by efforts of the night’s two fresh competitors. Ruthven slumped in corner.
After only one day’s notice, Digby places a respectable 15th.
20:38
20:34
Banter between the vets as Vjestica taunts Sharp with an insulting prepared sign.
Matt Kemp, still reveling in glory, encourages crowd to “get kluting” whilst clutching still bleeding nipple.
20:42
20:29
20:39
Harbord arrives back to complete the pack. Crowd delighted by the strong final eat.
Lumley Wisdom “If anyone was going to die doing it, it was going to be me” Adam Williamson: ‘the most disabled person ever to do to The Lumley Run: diabetic, asthmatic and ginger’
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Jess Christy gives us the defining moments of her Panto experience this year
~ You call a specific 2nd year Dill Wanskin by default. ~ Your role in Panto turns from Frep to crowd control. ~ You now give Freddie a wide berth of at least 20 metres when he busts a move. ~ An impromptu Harry Potter reference written 45 minutes before doors opened became the highlight of the show. (Sorry Joel) ~ Confusing peasants and pheasants can lead to a one line, satirical attack middle class supremacy. ~ You take your role in the Panto so seriously that you shout sexual health innuendos to both of your directors as they stagger out of Jimmy A’s to the 'cash machine'. ~ Your fat suit deflating becomes the biggest let down of the evening.
Tech Director Paul Chambers commenting on the final performance: “One more hour and then it’s finally over” ~ You’re asked point blank by a football social member whether “you’re really that fat in real life” ~ Any mention of giants brings back images of Mike’s grinding. ~ The fishcake is always avoided at dinner as it takes on an entirely different, and horrifying, meaning. ~ A certain defecation story has put you off ever visiting Joel’s kitchen. Ever. ~ Norman Chapel has turned from a place of sacred worship to a place of slutdrops.
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Losing Face Kirsten Ash investigates the craze leaving growing numbers of Castlemen eyebrow-less For the Freshers who are yet to be indoctrinated into the 'eyebrows' game, we've taken it upon ourselves to educate you. Somebody makes a claim, for example "I'm never drinking alcohol again", somebody else spots an opportune moment of hilarity and says "eyebrows". This person must then live up to their claim or risk losing a slit in their eyebrow. With Facebook claims like 'another quaddie can wait till Thursday' it's not surprising that Magnus Pierre got eyebrowsed into downing five. From reports of the aftermath, it doesn't sound like he managed it. Razor, anyone? The phrase 'go hard or go home' is certainly Tom Priestner's motto, and it yet remains to be seen if his claim 'I will always have either zero beers or twenty on a night out' will result in some (more) messy situations or losing face‌ Kudos to David Gell for going to his last exam in black tie. Looking fine with both eyebrows and a suit, treating his degree and education with equal formality.
eyebrows at the Panto. Talk about throwing yourself into your role. Nyall Sharp had better get to work, it's either get a first in his dissertation or go fetch a razor. Tom Weedon preferred to keep his eyebrows and spent a lonely lunch by himself in the Great Hall. Freshers are learning fast. After hearing about a Bailey Bonk Crawl that a fresher is attempting, Krassi is revelling in her single freedom by claiming 'I could do that in a night'. Watch this space. Seeing as Joel does like his Floreat mentions, he made the mistake of claiming that he would never spend the night again with a certain person. He used a biro to cover up his eyebrow-slit of shame.
Some say events like Ladies Night stay with you forever. Joe Boyd-Morrit had a more unusual reminder of the memorable night than most, after getting eyebrowsed into getting a Mike Tyson Stu Whitehouse got initiated when being henna head tattoo. His compromise in 30 seconds too late to keep both of his having 'FRESHER' tattooed on his eyebrows intact. forehead completely made up for it. sticking to the rules. Especially seeing as Nick McQueen seemed to be perfectly up he had a presentation seminar the next for helping Madeleine keep her day.
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Behind the Scenes Krassi Petrova gives us an account of Ladies Night from the perspective of those organising and running it
I was looking forward to writing an article that outlined the mishaps that occurred on Ladies Night, however nothing went wrong‌ except the fact that Henry Winlow managed to lose a large sum of cheques twice in one night. Ladies Night started exactly how I dreamt it would, my alarm setting off at 7:30 am on a cold November morning, I was thrilled to find that I was still last to arrive to prep, ascending NG at 8:31 am sharp. We had six and a half hours to transform Castle into the Orient Express. Despite some members of the ents team still convinced we were transforming Castle into the OrientAL Express. It was a tiresome six and a half hours, but I did receive free brunch, as a liver out I was in no position to complain. So as satisfied as I could ever be after excessive eating I continued to hang an array of German bunting in the Undercroft. At 4pm I was allowed a 3 hour break before being required to man Ladies Night from 7pm till the estimated 4am. I spent that 3 hours eating in the fear that the vending machine may not be accessible on the night.
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At 7pm I was back at Castle ready to finally see five weeks’ worth of prep come to life, and the pretzel stand. The first hour was considerably slow. This was soon to change as one sensible member of the bar committee with very good chat announced that the room ballot had finally been released. Anyone who saw Ed Gibbs that night would know he was in no fit condition to be attaching an excel document to any email. Nevertheless, numerous amounts of ‘Keep, single room, ensuite’ hopefuls ran to the courtyard searching for signal as they had magically not received this email yet. Once that drama was over and it was clear that Eliot Riodan had not received seventh on the ballot the night proceeded. Guests had the opportunity to be kept busy by a variety of entertainment, although the Henna tent seemed to be the most popular with queues reaching half an hour. I was told that it was well worth the wait unless Mike Benedict was involved. By 11pm the Great Hall was in full swing, with most guests preoccupied by the performances of Kinky Jeff and Victoria. Whilst the majority were swaying to Frank Sinatra covers, I was asked to do a sweep of the Undercroft area. Naturally I ended up at the cheese stall outside of the Great Hall. Much to my surprise I found an intoxicated Fran Danczak attempting to take with her as much camembert as her camera case could hold. By 1pm the DJ set had ended, the bar had closed, the pretzel stand had cleared up and Fran had enough cheese to last her a couple of weeks. A successful Ladies Night to say the least.
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Ladies Night: Best Dressed Some of the beautiful outfits spotted aboard the Orient Express
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10 things‌ you learn on a year abroad
Ben Grima and Emma Francombe draw upon their experiences last year
1. Not everyone speaks English, and sign language is acceptable. 2. Italians don't buy car insurance. 3. Zara is so much better and cheaper in Europe. 4. Wherever you are in Madrid, whatever the time of day, there's always a perfectly obliging Chinaman wanting to sell you a beer for 1 Euro. 5. Wolf-whistling at women is habitual, despite the appearance of the female in question. 6. If in doubt, make up the word as many anglicisms abide - "gin-tonic", "rosbif", “Hipster". 7. The average night out starts at 1am, and won't finish until sunrise. 8. Nothing is efficient - everything is shut in the afternoon, and nobody goes to work. And forget August, nothing happens. Ever. 9. Local and national food is incredible, and cheese is incredible. Other nations' food, like Asian cuisine, is not so. English food is unheard of, unless in an "Irish" pub. 10. And finally: Say yes to everything. Nights out, dinners, meeting locals - just get involved. With everything.
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10 things‌ to do before you graduate As finalists stress over what little time they have left, Amy Rolf provides a bucket list for to make sure they make the most of the time they have left 1. If you fancy a spot of gentle exercise and a mental challenge, consider taking part in the illustrious Lumley Run or, for the Ladies, The 1987 Club. 2. Extinguish flames of passion in the Undie. 3. Spend a night on NG (NG23 is always open to visitors). 4. One for the Ladies of Castle: Enjoy the liberating experience of a three course formal meal whilst wearing nothing more than a gown. 5. Reach the pinnacle of your career early and be quoted by Ed Gibbs for your words of wisdom in the JCR newsletter. 6. Survivors photo at June Ball: Resist the urge to go to sleep! 7. Visit a spot where the view of Durham can’t be finer. 8. Attend a formal at High Table. 9. Brush up on your biology in the economics section of the Lowe. 10. Finish (and/or start) an essay the day before the deadline.
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Movember Liberty Brown and Mike Bedigan assess the ‘taches gracing the faces of Castle gents this Movember
So what is Movember really about, other than an excuse for men to avoid shaving for a month and potentially show off their masculinity? Movember is a campaign ran by the Movember Foundation, which aims to raise awareness for the often ignored issues of men’s health, such as prostate cancer and other male cancers. The goal of Movember is to “change the face of men’s health” by encouraging men to get an annual check-up, to become aware of any family history of cancer, and to adopt a healthier lifestyle. By growing a moustache for the 30 days of November, these men essentially become walking billboards for the Movember cause.
Better Before or After? We asked a panel of Castle ladies what they thought of these mo’s… Barney Jeffcoat-Dick: Overall Rating of 4.5/10 Charli Adams: Good consistency of growth. (5/10) Elizabeth Buckheit: Disqualification for cheating; his moustache appears to have been poorly drawn on with a Sharpie. (0/10) Ruby-Tiger Hawkins & Cathy Sallabank: Great effort but a bit thin on the ground. (4/10) Hannah Ward: The blondeness of this mo highlights something else every time eye browse his features… (6/10) Daisy Cummins: This rugby boy doesn't need facial hair to prove his masculinity… so shave it BJ…please. (4/10) George Griggs: This rather solid attempt has gained him a lot of attraction from the ladies at Castle. Whether this is down to his new mature look, or his recent break up is unknown. Whatever it is, it’s working. (8/10)
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Ed Gibbs: Overall Rating of 8/10 Charli Adams: Impressively symmetrical, and incredibly sinister. (8/10) Elizabeth Buckheit: It’s like the terrifying lovechild of Craig David’s and Hulk Hogan’s facial hair. (5/10) Ruby-Tiger Hawkins & Cathy Sallabank: Styling a very impressive horseshoe moustache we feel this look would accompany his new documentary series as David Attenborough's next protégé. (9/10) Hannah Ward: Embracing his inner cowboy, this makes me genuinely super super happy to see him. (10/10) Daisy Cummins: With a mo like this, he's not just my VSM. He's my Heathcliff. (9/10) George Griggs: The award for the most appropriate description goes to Sarah Mack, who compared his attempt to ‘better’ his tash with ‘skid marks running down the side of his face.’ (5/10) Matt Kemp: Overall Rating of 7/10 Charli Adams: A distraction from his usually cherubic appearance. (7/10) Elizabeth Buckheit: Could have been a bit more well-Kempt. (4/10) Ruby-Tiger Hawkins & Cathy Sallabank: A fiery, bushy, English ‘tache. What more could you ask for? (6/10) Hannah Ward: It seems that not even the might of Movember can help Matt make his face look less cherub-y. An absolute sweetie. (7/10) Daisy Cummins: My grandson's Mo makes me unbelievably proud that he's a product of my loins. Definitely a keeper. (7/10) George Griggs: He was cute before, but with a touch of facial hair he’s left the ladies of Castle weak at the knees. (9/10)
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Nyall Sharp: Overall Rating of 4/10 Charli Adams: Bless! (a generous…4/10) Elizabeth Buckheit: …at least he tried. (1/10) Ruby-Tiger Hawkins & Cathy Sallabank: We are all for rewarding high effort…but low achievement. So proud. "Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." (7/10) Hannah Ward: Has there been a mistake, Floreat? Is his 'after' photo actually a 'before' one again? (sorry) (4/10) Daisy Cummins: Nyall grew facial hair? (2/10) George Griggs: the shock on people’s faces when Nyall revealed that he was actually partaking in Movember this year said it all. Even the king of ‘the invisible’, Pete Kirby is in a position to criticize this poor attempt. (5/10)
Sam Packham: Overall Rating of 6/10 Charli Adams: Looks as if it should be on the set of the Great Gatsby. (an impressive effort 7.5/10) Elizabeth Buckheit: A strong tribute to the 1970s, the golden era of the pornstache. (7/10) Ruby-Tiger Hawkins & Cathy Sallabank: We wouldn't want to meet you on a dark night, but hats off to a very well groomed moustache. (6.5/10) Hannah Ward: Quite impressive #70spornstar. (6/10) Daisy Cummins: Of course he looks great with a Tash! (7/10) George Griggs: Sam’s Movember attempt left us all in a state of wonder, as we pondered the missing patch of hair under his nose. This mystery however will never be solved, after his better half demanded it was gone before Ladies’ Night. #weknowwhowearsthetrousers. (3/10)
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Match the Mo to the person 1.
Ed Gibbs
2.
Jonny Harbord
3.
Matt Henderson
4.
Ellis Bland
5.
Tom Blanchard
6.
Will Zurawel
7.
Joel Holford
8.
Tom Kearns
9.
Ramin Irvani
b
a
c d
f e
i
g h
Answers: 1g
2e
3d
4h
5i
6b
7f
8a
9c
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Snapchat Wall of Fame
PRESENTS
Castle Marriage Material
PULL OUT, CUT
OUT, PLAY
Chat: 82
Chat: 92
Earning Potential: 79
Earning Potential: 62
Sex Appeal: 83
(History Student) Sex Appeal: 86
Commitment: 70 (Cheerleader)
(Baby Blues)
Chat: 42 (Canadian)
Chat: 81
Earning Potential: 85
Earning Potential: 87
(Canadian) Sex Appeal: 81 (Canadian) Commitment: 82 (DU)
Commitment: 93
Sex Appeal: 82
(Undie dance moves) Commitment: 70
Chat: 77
Chat: 80
Earning Potential: 79
Earning Potential: 86
(West End or Lawyer)
(Busks for formal wine)
Sex Appeal: 82
Sex Appeal: 79
Commitment: 88
Commitment: 92
Chat: 41 (one less) Chat: 92 (Accent Factor) Earning Potential: 90 Earning Potential: 85
(one less)
Sex Appeal: 69
Sex Appeal: 86 (one less)
Commitment: 75
Commitment: 49
(one less)
Chat: 57 Earning Potential: 75 Sex Appeal: 84
(Beautiful and Lovely) Commitment: 94
Chat: 42
Chat: 67 Earning Potential: 94
(A man with a plan) Sex Appeal: 67 Commitment: 89
Chat: 62
(I’m not witty or clever�) Earning Potential: 91 Earning Potential: 91
(Bulgarian Mafia)
Sex Appeal: 72
(knows how to treat a Lady) Sex Appeal: 87 Commitment: 87 Commitment: 50
Chat: 75
Chat: 72
Earning Potential: 80
Earning Potential: 75
Sex Appeal: 82
(Not money driven)
(see profile pic no. 18)
Sex Appeal: 99
Commitment: 58
Commitment: 3
Chat: 86 Earning Potential: 82 Sex Appeal: 88
(#babe) Commitment: 68
Chat: 59 Earning Potential: 97
(Zurawealth) Sex Appeal: 83
(ratemash favourite) Commitment: 9
Chat: 68
Chat: 78
Earning Potential: 95
Earning Potential: 85
(Money-Coutts)
Sex Appeal: 83
Sex Appeal: 91
(with beard)
Commitment: 87
Commitment to you: 20 Commitment to rowing: 100
Chat: 77 (Accent Factor)
Chat: 64
Earning Potential: 0
Earning Potential: 65
(You provide the income) Sex Appeal: 80 Commitment: 15
Sex Appeal: 11 Commitment: 14
(scores by Lauren M)
Chat: 85
Chat: 50 (Oscar Wilton)
Earning Potential: 93
Earning Potential: 95
(Modern Languages)
(Apple shares)
Sex Appeal: 83
Sex Appeal: 81
Commitment: 89
Commitment: 87
Chat: 63 Earning Potential: 81 Sex Appeal: 80
Chat: 75.5 Earning Potential: 85.5
(Model Behaviour)
Sex Appeal: 75.5
Commitment: 55
Commitment: 55.5
PRESENTS
Castle Marriage Material
PULL OUT, CUT
OUT, PLAY
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Becca Doggwiler (joint head of the Secondary Education division) explains what the money raised at the CCA auction will be used for
The 6th of November saw the official launch of Castle Community Action, a brand new organisation which intends to make a difference in the local community. The evening was a tremendous success and raised over £4000 for CCA. Sophia White, joint head of CCA’s fundraising division, said “I was speechless… to achieve this in one evening was beyond our craziest dreams!” The money will be used to fund the activities of CCA’s four divisions – Elderly Care, Homelessness, Primary Education and Secondary Education. Elderly Care plans to host a formal for the elderly, carers and volunteers, creating a really memorable night for all concerned and showing them all that the Castle has to offer. They also wish to improve disabled access to the Great Hall, and would love to introduce a ramp for the Castle steps. The Homelessness Division says they are “eternally grateful for the funds the… launch raised” and hope to provide warm clothing and sleeping bags for the homeless with the proceeds. They aim to set up a joint publication with those in need and Castle students, highlighting the situation many in our community face. Primary and Secondary Education wish to establish a series of residentials at the Castle for local school children, giving them an unforgettable experience. The latter is also hoping to create an inter-school performing arts festival, with the final show taking place in the Castle’s Great Hall. CCA Mission Statement: ‘The aim of Castle Community Action (CCA) is to integrate University College students into the local community by providing additional support and education to the most vulnerable so as to ensure that they are given the respect, dignity and self-worth that they deserve and to put the Castle back at the heart of the Durham community.’
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Fresher 15
Kenneth Chan discusses this weighty statistic
What is the Fresher 15? The Fresher 15 refers to the weight a student will gain over the course of his or her fresher year at university. Now that you've been here a couple of months, you may be starting to feel a little heavier. (It‌ might be a myth, but anyway.) Why?! College food After moving out of their parents' household, most students' food intake management is usually non-existent. You've surely made your way through Castle's servery enough times by now to know what I mean by Buffet-Style Cafeteria Dining. Alcohol But beer has no fat in it! A single pint of beer contains around 250 calories worth of carbohydrates. Drinking large amounts of alcohol on a regular basis can also lead to certain vitamin and mineral deficiencies, such as Vitamin B12, Vitamin A, Folate, and Calcium, because alcohol interferes with nutrient absorption. This is often how certain food cravings arise; in fact, a 2010 study showed that frequency of alcohol consumption is linked to poor diet quality.
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Stress and snacks Not only do people crave bad food when they are nervous or stressed, but we tend to eat large quantities of it through continuous snacking even though we might not be hungry. A 2009 study done showed a direct relationship between stress levels and late night eating in students. Please, no‌ An active lifestyle goes a long way. All students should have some kind of regular exercise. An easy way to make sure you do this is to join a Castle sports club! Perhaps most importantly, watch what you eat. Put on your plate only what you can reasonably consume, and make sure that includes plenty of vegetables, since they are high in fibre and water content, which take up stomach space. Improve your time management, one of the most important life skills. Having a regular sleep schedule normalises your body's endocrine system and kills cravings. Remember to drink plenty of water too, because sometimes snack cravings is only thirst in disguise. Don't keep unhealthy snacks on hand. This makes sure that if you want crisps or chocolate or cake‌ or chocolate cake, it's less worthwhile because it requires the extra effort of going to the shop, and even automatically precludes late-night snacking. This will definitely make sure you don't snack (as much). Moderate your alcohol consumption. "You drink in moderation, and that's what makes you great," right? Seriously, it's not that hard.
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the
word
St. John Featherby (left) and George Foster (right) discuss their rejection of this social media platform to examine whether we are to reliant on Facebook
I’m not going deny that Facebook is shocked to hear. Do any of you know useful, who would? But should an how to sign up through the JCR website? institution such as Castle be as reliant on I certainty don’t. You now even need Facebook for its social organization as Facebook to know if Vs is on. Is this we are? I wasn’t aware that Castle seriously what our world is coming to? sponsored Facebook. Frankly, they should be sponsoring us for all we do for If I’m missing out on so much, why don’t them. Having Facebook isn’t a college I just get Facebook and avoid this rule, and if anything it’s problem? Well because people divorced from the college quite frankly don’t realize that “ Facebook ethos. Then again, I do Facebook has become a material has become obsession just like any other. Of understand. I mean why would you check course such tools have a material anywhere else for advantages, but we have allowed obsession just these to be drowned in our information? Its not as if there are any pictures of like any other ” obsession to produce ever-cooler you smoking cigars in the self-portraits. Facebookers really perfect dress there too. have to ask themselves why they participate in this desperate struggle to I don’t like to be heard publically create external egos. Focus on yourself, bashing Facebook. Sadly this is seen as and use your mobile to communicate. very taboo, the modern day heresy. I was however very distressed to discover that I wasn’t even sent the link for formal sign up because I don’t worship at this Beloved Temple of Holy Communication. Not only that but if I do sign up there is no opportunity to swap my place, or acquire one if I don’t. This, among the inability to register for events such as socials, is a joke. And quite frankly something any alumni would be
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On the 14th September 2012 Facebook broke the 1 billion user mark. I was not one of them since I had gone through the overly lengthy process of deleting my Facebook earlier that year. By September I had already enjoyed a blissful 6 months without Facebook, 4 of which were spent travelling.
quirky weirdo because of that fact. Then after some serious pressure from my wife, “How can you not have Facebook?! How do you cope?! You HAVE to get Facebook!” and the fact I was unable to ever get myself to wake up for formal sign up I decided to create a new account.
Whilst travelling I was not looking for the nearest WIFI “ Before coming spot so I could endlessly to Castle my upload photo after photo college mum displaying how cultured I was. Even when I wasn’t away emailed me to say instead of spending hours sitting on my laptop talking to she couldn’t find people I really wasn’t that me on Facebook… interested in, I was actually I later found out using my time. I would go as far as to say I was productive. she had assumed
On Facebook I now have 14 Castle related groups, even more Durham related groups and a grand total of 2 groups which have nothing to do with my life in the North. It’s safe to say that I would have missed out on a lot if I hadn’t had Facebook for the past year but I still hate having it. I hate this need I was a quirky So why now do I spend a large to check in on what amount of time with Facebook weirdo because people are doing. The open. The short answer is question then is do I of that fact ” university. Before coming to really hate having Castle my college mum Facebook or do I hate the emailed me saying she couldn’t find me fact it took me travelling to a country on Facebook, I replied and explained that where Facebook is banned for me not to I just didn’t have it. To which I later wake up every morning and check in. found out she had assumed I was a
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How To Tinder Jane Markey and Krassi Petrova talk (and teach) Tinder
Whilst this article’s writers may differ on who gets the right swipe on Tinder (Krassi goes for anyone who has a rugby shot and Jane's taste hurtles between ‘Newcastle Nightclub Chic’ and faux-edgy), they agree that there are some don’ts that should never be done and some dos that are unfortunately overlooked. Welcome to their Tinders. Let’s start with the basics: DO 1) Upload a photo of yourself outside the UK. Everyone likes a well-travelled gentleman. 2) Flick through quickly. Think of it like real life, but on a phone. Maybe 95 percent of people you encounter in your day-to-day, you'd never want to get with, right? The same is kind of true with Tinder. Move fast here. Efficiency is key. 3) Put yourself beside someone less attractive in your first picture. It comparatively ups your chances of a match. (At this point, we would like to thank all our friends for our tinder success. ) There aren’t many ‘do’s as by its very nature Tinder is a don’t, so let’s move on to those… DON’T 1) Choose a group photo as your profile picture. Ain’t nobody got time for that. 2) Double message - it screams desperation. 3) Obscure your face in every photo as, unfortunately, the only person that you’ll be fooling is yourself. 4) Pour your heart out in the info section or write something attention-seeking. Although, to be honest, this is only half a don’t. Both of us found out that we had liked someone who had the tagline ‘I like bad b****** and it’s a f****** problem’ because we wanted to see if we fitted the criteria. Mission successful. 5) Match with your sibling’s friends on Tinder. As one of our writers found out, it’s destined not to end well.
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A Thought on Chat Up Lines They’re divisive, often risqué and sometimes vile; yes, it’s the Tinder chat up line. Whether it’s a boy looking for his very own Tinderella, or just trying to break the ice because Tinder is hurling abuse at him via the comment box, we’ve seen a lot of odd lines. However, we’ve found ourselves much more likely to respond than when we get a classic ‘Hey’. In that spirit, here are some of our very own tried and tested lines for you to enjoy.
Legit Tinder Facts ~By 2015, 2 out of every 5 children will have been conceived from a Tinder relationship. ~Joel Holford attends a Tinder dinner party at least once a week. ~99% of Durham students have Tinder. ~67.3% of those students already have partners.
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Bare-Faced and Beautiful Following on from Dove Beauty Campaigns and Children in Need’s Bear-faced Beauty, we thought we’d ask some lovely Castle Ladies to pose for a make-up free photo. We didn’t want to exclude the guys, so we’re got a free of them to doll up for the camera
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Greg Moore: “Last time I wore make-up I was told I looked like a gay lion.” Ed Gibbs: “I want to be beautiful!” Tash Allen: “I feel liberated. I feel like I can be a real woman. I think boys need to know what we really look like and remember that it’s what’s inside that counts.” Sam Walker: “It was an interesting experience: I might start wearing a little bit every day.” (returns to Moatside with make-up still on) Ben March: “I feel empowered. We should do this again sometime.” Harry Kilbourne: “Thank You very much, that was very good. I might not take it off… they’re trying to make me take it off!!” Emily Walker: “I couldn’t live without mascara, I have really blonde eyelashes so I look like an alien.” Tom Priestner: “Would girls be more likely to get with me if I went out with this amount of make-up on?” Nyall Sharp: “My lips look lovely… put some eyeshadow on my lips.”
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Have You Met Ms. Jones? Lauren McCollum talks to former Durham Revue president and English graduate Stef Jones about graduate life as a teacher (the pictures of notes and messages written to her by her students) Stef, we’re all missing you here at Castle! Tell us about how you got into teaching! Was it something you always wanted to do, and is it something you want to keep doing for the foreseeable future? It wasn’t something I had always thought about doing, but I considered it because of the benefits (long holidays)! It also means I can continue pursuing the Edinburgh famous actress dream without having to live on pennies with my parents. Although I did always consider going into teaching as a later option.
What does your job involve on a daily basis? What are your favourite and least favourite parts? It is exactly like being back at school!! Register in the morning, lessons all day, sport, and activities! I’m just on the other side of the fence now, which means I get a lot more emails and I have to think a lot more. Emails are the worst part, along with reports and marking which both take hours. The best part is definitely the kids, they are all just really lovely. Actually the food is also pretty good, the staff room always has biscuits and sandwiches.
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How do you deal with teaching students not much younger than you? Do you find disciplining them difficult? Actually my Upper Sixth class are the easiest to teach as I can relate to what they are going through as it wasn’t so long ago that I took my A levels. The GCSE teaching is the hardest, they are so easily distracted and all they want to talk about is Harry Potter and whether I’m dating any staff members. Discipline isn’t an issue though, mainly because they are all pretty well behaved and also because I’m super scary! One child did ask if I would ever write a book and when I said yes he responded ‘what? Miss Jones: My Struggle’, says it all really…
We’ll assume you’ve put your days of quaddie-induced disasters behind you, but have you any embarrassing or funny work-related mares to give us a giggle? I am afraid I am now a sensible, mature grown up!! Mainly because I am too afraid that the headmaster will see me drunk again (how would I know that he would be sitting in Castle courtyard with his son on graduation?). I have had a fair few sober mares at work though including calling a fellow member of staff mum (only supposed to happen to the kids), spelling ‘fourth’ incorrectly on the board (I wrote forth, it was up there for two weeks) and dropping and revealing the entire contents of my bag to my year 9 class (tampons, pill, mini bottle of wine to name a few items).
Have you got any advice for any Castlemen who are considering going into teaching? Make sure you actually like children, prepare to have to be very, very patient, and make a teacher friend who you can play with in the holidays.
And finally…how many times a day do you sing “Have you met Miss Jones?”? Me? Never! My kids? All day long! They also enjoy singing ‘Me and Mrs Jones’ which I have had to stop due to the line ‘we’ve got a thing going onnn..’
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Castle Cribs Ellis Bland takes us on a tour of four Castle rooms belonging to finalists of varying positions on the ballot Stair Count: 126 Original place on the ballot: 23rd Final place on the ballot: 18th
Peter Kirby
Privacy: 10/10 Phone signal: 2/10 Bed comfort: 7/10 Storage: 6/10
Why did you choose to live back in Castle accommodation? I like the fact we don’t have to worry about the cooking and washing up. Its great being back involved with college and what person would pass of living in a Castle?!?
What is the weirdest thing you have seen from your window? High security female prisoners on parade in Durham Prison courtyard.
Have you got any noisy neighbours? I barely know I even have a neighbour…4 sightings to date.
Do you usually keep a clean or messy crib? OCD keeps it clean.
What is your best crib accessory? ‘Best Bar None’ Trophy, awarded to Whisky River, now mine.
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Anna Bailey & Lauren McCollum Stair Count: 48 Original place on the ballot: Lauren: 37th
Anna: 39th
Final place on the ballot: Lauren: 29th
Anna: 30th
Privacy: 10/10 Phone signal: 10/10 (Library WIFI!) Bed comfort: 4/10 Storage: 6/10
Why did you choose to live back in Castle accommodation? A: I really liked the people who decided to live back in Castle, and I really wanted to spend a year in the Castle.
What is your favourite thing about living in Castle accommodation? L: NEVER having to go outside for meals, Undie or the library.
What is the weirdest thing you have seen from your window? L: A fresher’s college marriage proposal with hundreds of tea lights- very cute.
Have there been any issues with bringing boys to the room? A: Well…we have a Whatsapp group with another shared room in college, just in case one of us isn’t welcome on certain nights #shagwarnings
Have you found anything out about each other since sharing a room? L: Loudest and most dramatic sleep talker EVER!
Have you got any noisy neighbours? A: Not so much noisy…more vommy!
Firm bed or soft? L: Just right ;)
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Lucie Berry
Storage: 9/10
Why did you choose to live back in Castle accommodation? Missed having all my meals cooked for me.
What is your favourite thing about living in Castle accommodation? The social side.
What is the weirdest thing you have seen from your window? A certain Castleman attempting to walk and resorting to crawling down the Barbican after a Tuesday Klute.
Have you got any noisy neighbours? Both sides play the ukulele‌
Do you usually keep a clean or messy crib? It’s always clean at the start of the week
What is your best crib accessory? Fireplace
Firm bed or soft? Firm but comfy
45 Stair Count: 16 Original place on the ballot: 113th Final place on the ballot: 71st Privacy: 9/10
Jared Bambridge
Phone signal: 2/10 Bed comfort: 3/10 Storage: 10/10
Why did you choose to live back in Castle accommodation? I chose to live back in as it was convenient with me having all lectures at Elvet Riverside, it’s a great location as well!
What is your favourite thing about living in Castle accommodation? Seeing my friends and meeting new people at every meal.
What is the weirdest thing you have seen from your window? Numerous sightings of locals jumping into the master’s garden.
Do you have time to clean the sheets between one girl out and the next girl in? Plenty of time, I am fortunate to have access to castles extremely efficient washroom facilities.
Have you got any noisy neighbours? Not often, however my neighbour does like to let me know if he’s having a good time…
Do you usually keep a clean or messy crib? Very clean.
What is your best crib accessory? Bedside light switch…for the intimate moments.
Firm bed or soft? I’m a firm bed man…no one likes a softy!
DEAR GENTLEMEN
AND
LADIES
OF
CASTLE,
'Tis the season to be naughty, and it sounds like you’ve all been having a scandalous festive period. I feel truly spoilt with the exemplary gossip gifts I’ve been receiving from Gossip HQ – my secret elf scandal investigators have kept their ears pricked with some tantalising results. The time has come once again for me to air all your dirty Christmas stockings... While contemplating the respective rewards of giving and receiving, I have been inspired to devise a covert Christmas wish list. It seems that some of your peers could really do with a few somewhat special presents this year that, unfortunately, they probably will not receive. I do not think that these Castlemen would make it onto Santa’s list of good boys and girls. Enjoy these cryptic Christmas affairs, and remember to let me know if you see your college mummy kissing Santa Claus… You know you love me, XOXO
Gossip Girl's Secret Christmas Wish List For one magnificent gentleman fresher, I’d buy a Lonely Planet guide to Amsterdam… or three. No wonder he looked so unusually unKempt after JailBreak. For this fresh man of the cloth I’d buy a Bible, so that he might revise his knowledge of the ten commandments. Apparently, ‘thou shalt not steal candelabras from Cellar Door' hasn't sunk in yet, though his antics have hung well on Norman Gallery. From this naughty duo of Castle, I’d request for my present a strong boy who Wood Ruff me up in Rape Alley, and a girl who Callagcan lend a Calaghand. Cheers. For a jOlly Christmas all round, I’d like to buy this reMarkeyable second year lady a knife to cut the sexual tension. For this rosy young gentlemen, I’d buy a Sharp new sleeping bag for when McSnorum next comes to stay. Not as comfortable as his own sheets perhaps, but it beats 'the worst ever night in his own bed'. To a prominent college Winner, I would gift a map of the unfamiliar West Lakes of Moatside, so he'd always know how to find them in his boxers. For a certain second year girl, I would gift some K.Ash to buy herself a bra she’d feel willing to keep on. Her housemate might do Wells to take his time to sign next time... If the housemates of LegaZI KAre enough, they'll help me find the perfect lockpick for this unfortunate year-abroader. They inform me that the French wines haven't done much to raise her tolerance levels. Weedon't know Hiwhat one fresher gentleman was planning on getting this amused second year and myself, but preparation is key. Probably worth checking his overnight bag. For an unfortunate finalist, I would HOLheartedly bestow a pooper-scooper for his kitchen. He's had to deal with a lot of shit recently.
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The Back Page You will never be able to un-see this
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Xmas Fun Fact: Iceland has 13 Santas, know as “Yuletide Lads�. One of these Santas is a horrifying old woman who kidnaps children on Christmas Day if they've misbehaved.
Merry Christmas From The Floreat Team Kirsten Ash, Mike Bedigan, Liberty Brown, Livia Carron, Kenneth Chan, Becca Doggwiler, Gossip Girl, Joel Holford, Anthony Kane, Jane Markey, Lauren McCollum, Krassi Petrova, Amy Rolf, Caroline St. Quinton, and all our wonderful contributors