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THERAPY ZINE: issue one, August 2019 Edited/Curated & Cover Art by Frankie Francesco Co-Edited by Jaycie Weeks
CONTACT: Website: FrankieFrancescoArt.com Email: FrankieFrancescoArt@gmail.com Insta, Twitter & FB: @TherapyZine Support Us: Patreon.com/TherapyZine Published by The Therapy Zine Group, Las Vegas, Nevada, United States Copyright 2019 Frankie Francesco/The Therapy Zine Group. All Rights Reserved to featured creators.
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CREATORS Frankie Francesco
Jaycie Weeks
MARTUP
@formugs
@jayy_double_u
@atepgod
Savannah Francesco
David Baeza
Victoria Prevost
@143crossmyheart
@elboogieman
@4lluring3ngima
a playlist by Our Creators
Life in the Vivid Dream - Grimes Show Me How - Men I Trust Oh Bondage! Up Yours! - X-Ray Spex I think I’m OKAY - Machine Gun Kelly Obrazy Pollocka (prod. Auer) - Pezet after that - Yaeji Hey Jude - Imaginary Future These Words - Jill Andrews i can’t breathe - Bea Miller Make You Feel - Alina Baraz Here Comes a Thought - Steven Universe (OST) River Bennett
Renee Agant
Briana Santarsieri
@rvr.photo
@wyypipo
@briiielizabeth_
Jodie Knowlton
Paul Kohl
@jodielocks
@kohl_86
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LETTER FROM EDITOR by Frankie Francesco
“I’m kind of just going through the motions of what it means to be me.” When I fractured my spine on Father’s Day, I had this weird feeling that my life would never be the same. After trying to recollect myself from the seizure that caused my Life Alert moment, I’ve been wondering, “Why has this one had such an impact on me?” Aside from the physical aspect, why is it taking so long to feel like me again?
Whatever makes you feel good about yourself is what matters. That’s the thought that got me thinking. I was coming home from my therapist and it all just clicked. I wanna provide people with the space where they can be creative. Where they can express themselves, with no fear of judgment. I told this to a few friends and they loved the idea.
Usually within the first few hours after my seizures, I’m pretty much back to myself. However, after this last one, my brain is still foggy and I can’t seem to find my focus. Nothing feels as real as it once did. I feel incomplete, like part of me is somewhere else. It’s similar to that feeling when you space out -- the difference being when that happens you can snap yourself out of it.
Art has been scientifically proven to help individuals deal with different types of trauma. It also provides an outlet to confront negative emotions. So whether you’re an experienced artist, or just someone who wants to try something new, I encourage you to explore this zine with an open mind. Let these individuals’ voices inspire you to be apart of THERAPY yourself. We’d be honoured to add your voice to our family, even if you’d prefer to be anonymous. Or, perhaps motivate you to explore your creative side alone.
I’m kind of just going through the motions of what it means to be me. (Whatever that means.) I have to say it has gotten better. Being practically bed-ridden for the first few weeks wasn’t helping much. I was trying to find ways to stay productive, forcing myself to do things I knew I shoudn’t.
We want to hear your stories, and if you have any questions, we’d love to start a Q&A page. So feel free to write us or submit your work.
I kind of avoided being creative, feeling a sort of guilt about doing anything that wasn’t “work.” After going to therapy, I realized that being creative isn’t a useless action. It’s healthy to have an outlet for these emotions. There’s a variety of methods: photography, drawing, cooking, drag, writing, even I don’t know... taking nudes.
Love your editor,
(@formugs)
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Contents INTRO & CREATORS....
2-3
LETTER FROM EDITOR & TOC....
4-5
DAVID BAEZA....
6-7,23
BRIANA SANTARSIERI....
8-9
RIVER BENNETT....
10-11
PUZZLES/QUIZZES....
12-13,17
JAYCIE WEEKS.... 14-16 SAVANNAH FRANCESCO....
18-19
VICTORIA PREVOST....
20-21
JODIE KNOWLTON....
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MARTUP....
24-25
RENEE AGANT....
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FRANKIE FRANCESCO....
27-30
THANK YOU....
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disclaimer: views, thoughts, images and opinions expressed in the following zine belong solely to that creator, and not necessarily to every artist involved in The Therapy Zine Group, etc.
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photos by david baeza (@elboogieman)
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“Coffee Stain” I saw a couple kiss in a coffee shop A silent “see you later, babe” as they parted It left a taste in my mouth more bitter than my Americano Thoughts of you surface in my mind Memories I’d tried to forget I feel your lips pressed against mine Now just a phantom sensation I used to imagine Sunday mornings waking you up with a fresh mug Before you poured our love down the drain How could I have known “I love you” would be the last words you said to me I can’t drink my coffee black anymore -Briana Elizabeth (@briiielizabeth_)
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Internal Compass by Briana Elizabeth
I used to think home was the four walls that first surrounded me; a toddler throwing pillows over the staircase bannister yelling “bombs away!” as if they would explode at the bottom and coat us in the white fluff, keeping us pure and innocent. The place where I was almost disfigured by the damaged dog who taught me to be fierce. The first place that I can barely remember now. I moved onto the next set of four, too young to even recollect my beginnings. This one was my true childhood home, witnessing a little girl grow into a preteen just trying to find a place in this big world. The nights I spent curled up on the floor outside my parents’ bedroom, convinced they didn’t care about me because the dang doorknob never learned how to shimmy and twist at my desperate touch, and the pounding of my fist was no match for the pounding of hearts on the other side of the door. The pink walls, marking the presence of a bubbly little girl who hadn’t been exposed to the darker parts of life just yet. This was the house where dreams were born, childhood pets were adopted, and life was simple. Fast forward past a temporary home nestled in what felt like a foreign land, contributing to the self-esteem issues already blooming in my adolescent body, and we arrive at the house. Almost together, almost happy, almost home. All seemed right at first; my most pressing issues involved dealing with braces and mustering up the courage to ask my high school crush to the girls reverse school dance. Maturity fostered quickly when a young girl was forced to grow up and leave the still-childhood days
behind. Leaving soon became the only constant in my life. The piercing sound of a gunshot too close to home stranded me in the bathroom, only to hear the choked words, “Mom, Dad, I shot Scotty.” Nothing left to show for it but the dark red stain on our garage floor and the invisible stain on my brother’s heart, which gave out not once but twice a year later, miraculously shocked back to life with a lightning bolt to the soul by God himself. I finally reached adulthood, naively believing it would be easier with the time that passed, but how can you rely on a man-made social construct to provide any stability when man himself can hardly keep his footing on a world that never stops turning? It was, after all, just an ordinary day when I returned from work to boxes piled up higher than my trust issues and my mother’s words, “I just can’t do this anymore.” When she left, so did the last sliver of light in my father’s eyes. The silence pounded in my ears day after day until I could no longer take the deafening threats. My clothes and schoolbooks soon became accustomed to the rushed boxing and bagging that occurred every several months from that day forward. I have yet to find a place that deserves our permanence - or perhaps I have yet to feel I belong in one place when all I’ve ever known is the Universe’s greed and reluctance to settle. Home is not a place, but a feeling. They say home is where the heart is. But tell me how to locate home, when your heart has never been full; which piece do I follow to lead me home?
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photos by River Bennett (@rvr.photo)
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are 2.5 times more likely to have a mental illness in their lives.2 are 2.5 times more likely to have a 2 mental in their lives.suicide For the illness queer community, and mental illness are much more For the queer suicide common. The community, American Psychiatric and mental illness are much more Association states that 31% of common. The American transgendered individualsPsychiatric have Association states that suicide, 31% of considered attempting transgendered individuals havegays compared to bisexuals at 7%, considered and lesbiansattempting at 4%, andsuicide, compared to bisexuals at 7%,being gays heterosexuals at 2%.3 While and lesbians at considered 4%, and a mental LGBTQ is not While negative being heterosexuals 2%.a3 strong illness, there isatstill LGBTQ is not considered aagainst mentalthe stigma and discrimination illness, thereThat, is stillona top strong negative community. of the stigma discrimination against the negativeand stigma surrounding mental community. That, onindividuals top of the into health, pushes many negative surrounding mental a mental stigma corner that they struggle to health, pushes many individuals into come back from. a mental corner that they struggle to come back from. Unfortunately, mental illnesses arguably have a larger lasting impact Unfortunately, illnesses on the younger mental age groups. Many of arguably a larger impact those whohave suffer turn tolasting suicide for a on the younger age groups. number of reasons. Suicide Many is the of those suffercause turn of to death suicideforfor a secondwho leading number of reasons. is the ages 10-34, while itSuicide is the tenth second leading death for 4 leading cause ofcause deathoffor all ages. ages 10-34, while it is the tenth leading cause of death for allhave ages.4 My mental health struggles started when I was a teenager, but My health struggles haveI felt theremental were very few people that started I was a teenager, but I could when turn to. Having an alcoholic there were few people that I felt mother, andvery an emotionally closedIoff could turnI was to. Having an alcoholic father, not taught to mother, an emotionally properlyand channel and expressclosedmy off father, I was not taught feelings and emotions. The to pain I properly channel my felt, regardless of and howexpress small or large, feelings and Theup, pain I continued to emotions. build up and to the felt, of how or large, pointregardless where I could notsmall healthily continued to build up and up, to the handle many emotional adversities point where I could not healthily as an adult. handle many emotional adversities as an adult. Continues on pg. 14
Therapy is a zine that we created to be open about every aspect of our Therapy is a zine created to lives. A place for that us towe show off our be open about every of our creative sides and allaspect come together lives. place that for us show off to faceAthings aretodifficult toour creative all There come together conquer sides on ourand own. are many to face things that are difficult to reasons for people to go to therapy, conquer on ourofown. ThereBut arefor many the namesake our zine. our reasons foritpeople to go tototherapy, first issue, is important open a the namesake ourofzine. But for our dialogue aboutofone the main first issue, is important open a reasons forittherapy and a to growing dialogue about of the main issue across ourone nation – the issue of reasons for therapy and a growing mental health. issue across our nation – the issue of mental Mental health. illnesses are growing across America at a rapid rate, yet there is Mental illnessesstigma are growing across still a negative attached to America at a rapid there is these illnesses, and rate, onlyyet these still a negative stigma to subsets of illnesses. Weattached do not have these illnesses, and only these any shame in discussing common subsets illnesses. We or dodiabetes not have diseasesofsuch as cancer any in discussing common and shame are beginning to be more open to diseases such cancerforms or diabetes discussing theas various of and are beginning to beSo more to addiction as a disease. whyopen are so discussing theforced various of many people to forms deal with addiction as aillnesses disease.alone? So why so their mental Inare order many forced to deal with to startpeople the road for recovery, we their alone? In and order must mental open upillnesses the conversation to startour thewounds road forwith recovery, share others,we as must open up theare conversation mental illnesses impossible and to share our wounds with others, as beat alone. mental illnesses are impossible to beat alone. to the National Institute According of Mental Health, there are nearly According the National one in five to Americans that Institute suffer of Mental Health, there are nearly from any one mental illness, with one Americans that suffer – 22%inoffive women – myself included from any compared one mentaltoillness, suffering 15% ofwith men.1 22% of women – myself included – The age ranges that are most affected suffering to 15% men.1 by mentalcompared illnesses are thoseofwithin The age ranges that are mostwith affected the 18-25 age range at 26%, the by mental illnesses are those lowest category of those agedwithin 50 and the 18-25 age LGBTQ range at 26%, with the older at 13%. individuals lowest category of those aged 50 and older at 13%. LGBTQ individuals 1 2 1 2
National Institute of Mental Health American Psychiatric Association National Institute of Mental Health American Psychiatric Association
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American Psychiatric Association National Institute of Mental Health American Psychiatric Association National Institute of Mental Health
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cosplay by Jaycie Weeks photo by Savannah Francesco
When I was about 19 years old, I have experienced many of the usual struggles. Trying to find myself as a college student, dealing with multiple existential crises for my future, countless romantic and friend drama. However, I held inside so many unresolved issues and trauma from my childhood. While I knew the things I have experienced were bad, I always held on to the idea that no matter what, there was somebody who experienced worse. Why should I be upset about my relationship with my mom when she at least is still alive? Why should I be upset about this guy who ghosted me when he could have physically hurt me? I felt that I was undeserving of feeling pain because I was unable to validate my own struggles, while at the same time unable to cope with this growing and pure agony.
I still viewed myself as wasting my therapist’s time. I’m crying about my best friend when people are struggling with actual death, divorce, loss, etc. But my therapist taught me that regardless of what my personal losses and traumas may be, the first step is to validate your own struggles and to validate yourself. Once I was able to tell myself that I am a real person with real and valid feelings, only then can the true healing begin. My therapy experience continued over 3 years and I still go regularly. I was diagnosed with depression and borderline personality disorder and learned how to cope with these diagnoses and tell myself that I am more than my mental disorders. What started out as working through my issues with my best friend turned into my hidden issues with my family, my childhood, my other friends, and my deep, deep, insecurities. I learned how to love myself and to really come to terms with everything I have went through, and I now know how to properly handle situations. Although my depression will still dominate my life, and I catch myself falling back into my unhealthy behaviors, therapy is a constant work in progress. We are all constant works in progress.
What sparked my motivation to go to therapy was losing one of my best friends. I was so emotionally unstable – one second, I would be laughing with my friends, and the literal next second, I would burst into tears, and the next second, I would scream and cuss at something so insignificant. I went from being unable to unhealthily cope with any small struggle to being unable to cope with life as a whole. Everything was a struggle too heavy for me to bear, despite how significant it may have actually been. I have always considered therapy before, but never really seriously looked into it. I figured that I would be able to eventually move past and let go of all my issues.
I hope that through all concepts of “therapy”, either actual therapy or this zine community, we can all work together to remove the stigmas with mental health. It is important that we all come together as humans from all walks of life – from all different backgrounds and communities.
With a lot of prayer and motivation from God, I felt led to start my first therapy session. Initially, it was really hard for me to open up. Again,
I am valid. We are valid. And we will all come together to beat our mental illnesses.
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“Love Like You” by Savannah Francesco
I always felt I was made to be a mom. It’s all I ever really desired in life. At some point I felt I lost that desire, so when I found out I was going to have a baby my whole world changed. I didn’t feel ready, this was never how I planned on starting my family. I found out about her when my health was at its worse & my relationship was falling apart. At this time I really thought having a baby was the last thing I needed in my life. How can I bring a child into this world when my world was crumbling. Being a young mom isn’t easy, especially when you are the only one amongst your friends. It can have you feeling really alone sometimes. Social media can sometimes portray motherhood unrealistically. Like it’s always fun & perfect, I myself can be guilty of it. The reality of it is having meltdowns cause lack of sleep, never eating a hot meal, crying cause I couldn’t get my baby to stop crying. Those things made me feel like I was failing as a mom. There’s just so many things you never really think about before having a baby. Thinking back to the moment I first held her, I’ve never felt something come so naturally to me. It’s like she was always here. As tired as I am when I’m hanging out late at night, washing bottles non-stop, or singing to her at 2 am to put her to sleep. It’s all worth it the moment she smiles at me. I’ve been through quite a lot before I met her. I was afraid she would be disappointed to have a mom like me, because I was a broken person. My family & friends seen me broken for so long. I never wanted her to know me as that person. To know me as my pets did, crying & still in pieces when no one was around. For her to see me as my dog who is now gone did. He never got to see me happy again, that breaks me & I’ll always have this guilt deep inside about that. I prayed to God to make me good enough for her, the way I couldn’t be for them. I felt like I would never be put back together again. But she did it, she put me back together. I still have those days here and there, but because of her I am a new person. A better version of the me I was before her. She is the best thing I ever did. She is Parker.
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Adopt Dont Shop
This is Andy and Wasabi; Wasabi is a 5 year young smiley girl, just waiting for her forever home. Andy is a “curvy� tabby about 4 years of age, come down to the Animal Foundation and meet them! 19
art by Savannah Francesco (@savannah_smiles727)
Victoria Prevost (@4lluring3ngima)
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Enigma
by Victoria Prevost
I’d like to start by saying this column is my way of speaking my truth. Recently I came out on social media, and it was honestly the scariest thing I’ve ever had to publicly do. You see when it comes to my personal life, I’m not as forthcoming as people might think. My friends always make these comments like “Sorry if I’m talking about myself so much.” My response is always “It’s fine, I’d rather talk about what’s going on with you.” It might be why they think I’m such a good listener. In reality the reason I don’t share is because I’m scared of opening up and being vulnerable. Believe me I know there’s probably something in my childhood that has forced me to be this way. To put my walls up so high and has me pushing people away. This year my resolution was to improve connections. To focus on my existing friends and family, and deepen that bond. To not close myself off to those connections. I recently went to L.A. Pride, I feel like it has taught me to embrace my authentic self. To be more vocal about the things I care about. Seeing my Queer family in the community celebrating who they are made me envy their freedom. It gave me the push to embrace who I really am. My columns in the future are gonna be little diary entries of my life. Sometimes my entries are going to be about my dating life. Other times it could be about how I’m feeling at that moment. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still trying to figure it out but that’s the alluring enigma of life.
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Angry and Failing I’m trying so hard and I’m failing. I feel like I’m failing everything my life, my pets, my job. I’m even failing at writing this. I feel like no matter how hard I try... It’s never going to get any better than that. I’m never going to get any better. I’m just supposed to be sad. I’m just supposed to be angry, jealous and mean I feel like that’s just supposed to be who I am as a person. I’m only supposed to have occasional happiness. Is that how life works for some people? Is talking to someone gonna help with my emotions? Is it gonna help with my anger? I don’t think anyone knows how angry I am. Few have seen me completely lose control. It’s embarrassing, is this my life or is this temporary? I feel like if someone saw how ugly and twisted up I was inside. Then they wouldn’t wanna be around me anymore. All I want is to be happy. - Jodie Knowlton (@jodielocks)
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photo by david baeza (@elboogieman)
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I started designing cassettes around the time I got back into tapes in college. I just went to a thrift store and spotted an album I simply adored on tape. This medium was always a part of my life, I remembered using them as a kid. Making my own mixtapes, recording people and just fooling around. I really dig their lo-fi sound and neat aesthetic. One day while listening to some music I thought to myself: “hmmm, I wonder what this album would look like if it was released on tape.” After that I designed my first tape, then came others and others. I like how versatile they are, you can pick up an old Christian album or an audiobook on tape. Then completely remake it into something else. That’s what I’ve been doing, almost all the designs you see are made on recycled tapes found in thrift stores. I believe that the limitations of this medium are great for my creativity. I really need to think it through sometimes, to fit everything I want into such a small design. At this point I’ve designed around a hundred and I am not stopping anytime soon. You just need GIMP, tapes, a printer, tape deck, scissors, glue and some creativity. During some really bad periods of my life, this was my most creative outlet. So I feel a certain connection to my designs. This is the music I love and I want to give it the treatment and care it deserves.
-MARTUP
(@atepgod)
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art by Renee Agant (@wyypipo)
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Time has stolen you from me, you’re becoming part of my past. No longer part of me. -ForMugs (Demo) 27
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art by Frankie Francesco (@formugs)
I don’t need therapy. a playlist by Frankie Francesco The Gold * - Phoebe Bridgers I Wanna Dance With Somebody* - Erato Nothing’s Gonna Hurt You Baby - Cigarettes After Sex Somebody Else* - VÉRITÉ Sweet But Psycho - Ava Max Taking You There - Broods The sense of me - Mud Flow Mourning Sound - Grizzly Bear Neruda - Russian Red When I Grow Up* - First Aid Kit Crazy - Diana Salvatore Wide Eyes - Local Natives A Better Son/Daughter - Rilo Kiley
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Thank you for joining us in the first issue of Therapy we appreciate the support and would LOVE to hear from you personally. Make sure to submit your comments, stories and creations to either my email or one of our social media handles. It means a lot to us creators that you took a moment to come to Therapy, and admire our creations. Hopefully you will join us next time. Until then, just know you are NEVER alone. Even if it doesn’t feel like it, you are loved. And you are valid to me and everyone here at Therapy. -Frankie
National Suicide Prevention Hotline
1-800-273-8255
Trans Lifeline
1-877-565-8860 art by Paul Kohl (@kohl_86)
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THERAPY issue one: A new queer zine created by Frankie Francesco. Bringing together passionate, timid, experienced, & amatuer creators of various talents. A place of growth & self-expression, absolutely free of judgment. Join The Therapy Group where you’re not only welcome, but you are celebrated. Find your voice with us as we find ours, submissions are always welcome.
FrankieFrancescoArt@gmail.com // @TherapyZine Copyright Š 2019 Frankie Francesco
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