Adultery With Its Pants Down Chapter 5
Busted, Now What?
When Deceit Defends, It Counter-Attacks
How To Deflect Any Responsibility
Thanks Dad!
Busted? I Guess We Can Work It Out Now
Faithful Partners expect that busted cheaters will heed the wake up call ◦ ◦ ◦ ◦ ◦ ◦
Take responsibility Apologise Offer to make amends Work on a recovery solution Be contrite and thoughtful Appreciate one more chance
Work It Out? You Guess Wrong Work it out? Apologise? No. No. No. Too few have any remorse.
◦ Surprise! The last things the FP expects is what often happens - that the cheater will double down with his bet on cruelty ◦ Sadly ... The FP forgets that the CP has broken his compassion, is like a drug addict to cheating, and is delusional – and has already “written off” his family and his honor and his heart
Busted? Work What Out?
The cheater has already “written off” his family and his honor and his heart This addict and predator is NOT the same person you knew. ◦ This predator lies casually and has been lying gratuitously
He is not the even same person that he has pretended to be till now (committed, compassionate, loving, expecting love from you, the exclusive deal still on) ◦ He is a total stranger. He has hidden that from you. That’s how he was able to betray you.
Busted? No Way Can We Work It Out Now
The cheater immediately sees these “favorable” wicked options:
1. Lie more – I am not really busted – it’s just jealousy 2. Deny in spite of evidence 3. Blame it on the FP as hurtfully as possible 4. Escalate manipulation - Get vicious to silence the FP 5. Make false offers to set things right 6. Keep on cheating ◦ Best choice of all? Do all of the above while attacking his FP for snooping!
Act Like A Busted Spouse? You are A Zero In His Universe! What? Will he deny it in spite of evidence? Yup.
◦ They will twist and nitpick and make the most egregious tales to cover up. ◦ They will make it seem that you are misinterpreting the evidence and you are paranoid not to accept crappy explanations.
So that’s why so many people hire a lawyer and a private detective instead of confronting cheaters with facts.
Expect Anger Now that the CP can’t be trusted Some examples how everybody loses and everything special shuts down and “shits down” ◦ What to Expect ? Rage & Fierce Anger & Violence CP will be furious if their cheese is moved CP will, if caught red-handed, threaten to do violence to FP Manipulation goes on - Minor or worse – pushing, blocking, slapping, punching, physical restraining will occur Property will be stolen and destroyed The CP will only see imaginary FP violence (pushing away the assaulter) when this occurs and will forget their own initiation of violence The real threat to you – CP will get police to punish YOU for “violence” as a cover for CP
Expect Fantastic Tales Now that the CP is Busted New Flavor To Undermining You It’s more in the open, His griping and snide comments will now turn into direct nasty criticism and constant loud outrageous blame The family arguments will not be about his cheating – he avoids that discussion The family arguments will be loud and full of screaming rage - all about the exaggerated and nasty blame he lays at your doorstep
And What Happens Next? Maybe “Nothing”. ◦ After all, “you are to blame” for finding out ◦ After all, “you are to blame” for driving him to do it in the first place ◦ So don’t expect an apology for his doing what comes naturally and is all your fault ◦ Look out for these Two Wicked Options Sour and Bold: He will say it is none of your business and brazen it out – and claim the kids Sweet and False: he will pretend he has stopped
How Can This Be? He was Caught Red Handed Busted? So what. That’s not his problem. He is special - he is used to spouting lies and being believed ◦ He is literally living two lives now ◦ You are just in the trifling life ◦ So... no normal rules apply to this special person
To Defend Deceit
CP Develops a Split Life
Myths (lies) the Cheater tells himself to create to separate the 2 lives ◦ “I am always miserable in old trifling Life #1” – Go away!
◦ “I am always happy in new Life #2” unless life #1intrudes You bastard just go away!
Myth (lies) that CP is innocent party ◦ I try to make Life #1 work but I get nowhere ◦ So I am free to wander without guilt in Life #2
Let’s look at how this mirage works
To Defend Deceit
How CP Goes On Attack
Part 1 – Provoke: Set Stage for Blame - Truth-Dancing, Blame-Passing and Taunting Part 2 – Manipulate: Lie & Evade ◦ Evasion, Deflection, Wasting Counselling, Lashing Out, Cruel anger
Part 3 – Mind Games: Use a Warped Double Standard
◦ Unbelievable hypocrisy while making full demands of FP
So ... Why doesn’t this Split Life strategy work? The Attack machine Part 1 –
Provoke! - Stage Setting for Blame - Truth-Dancing, Blame-Passing and Taunting Only Works In Hollywood
Let’s Kiss **
You’re just a jealous resentful paranoid
FU
** Even after coming home 4 a.m. ... After servicing OP orally *** in front of kids and relatives
Why are you so cold? **
Let’s Hug ** You are invited to OP’s birthday, so why don’t you come? – You’re AntiSocial
You are just jealous! You lack sex drive ** ***
Lies, Half truths
Pick Fights False Accusation
Shift Blame Continue Cheating Magnify Faults You’re crazy like your mother
Heart Broken Taken for Granted Shock Pain Loss Abandonment Fear Disgust Revulsion Hurt Bewilderment Tortured Disgrace Throw Up No Place of Comfort Left
So ... Why doesn’t this Split Life strategy work? The Attack machine Part 1 –
Provoke! - Stage Setting for Blame - Truth-Dancing, Blame-Passing and Taunting Only Works In Hollywood
Let’s Kiss **
You’re just a jealous resentful paranoid
FU
** Even after coming home 4 a.m. ... After servicing OP orally *** in front of kids and relatives
Why are you so cold? **
Let’s Hug ** You are invited to OP’s birthday, so why don’t you come? – You’re AntiSocial
You are just jealous! You lack sex drive ** ***
Lies, Half truths
Pick Fights False Accusation
Shift Blame Continue Cheating Magnify Faults You’re crazy like your mother
So ... Why doesn’t this Split Life strategy work? The Attack machine Part 2 –
Manipulate! - Pure Lies & Evasion – Evasion, Deflection,Wasting Counselling, Lashing Out
Just Same Old Cruel Manipulation
It wasn’t sexual
What truth? There’s my truth and your truth
Nothing happened.
Be specific. I don’t know what you are asking?
BUT ...You are to blame for causing it.
I already told you The counsellor supports me It happened long ago ... and it never happened You’re crazy – nothing happened
Fierce Anger
Lie in Counselling Continue Cheating Magnify Faults
Heart Broken Taken for Granted Shock Pain Loss Abandonment Fear Disgust Revulsion Hurt Bewilderment Tortured Disgrace Throw Up No Place of Comfort Left Appalled by Chutzpah
So ... Why doesn’t this Split Life strategy work? The Attack machine Part 2 –
Manipulate! - Pure Lies & Evasion – Evasion, Deflection,Wasting Counselling, Lashing Out
Just Same Old Cruel Manipulation
It wasn’t sexual
What truth? There’s my truth and your truth
Nothing happened.
Be specific. I don’t know what you are asking?
BUT ...You are to blame for causing it.
I already told you The counsellor supports me It happened long ago ... and it never happened You’re crazy – nothing happened
Fierce Anger
Lie in Counselling Continue Cheating Magnify Faults
So ... Why doesn’t this Split Life strategy work? The Attack machine Part 3 –
Mind games! The Warped Double Standard - Unbelievable hypocrisy while making full demands of FP
Dress Up for visit with OP then ask FP for compliment about appearance
My needs weren’t met
Complain never gets compliment from FP Complain FP is always jealous and suspicious Claim long nightly calls & visits are “my own business” Spin & Deny when confronted with proof
Expect (right after telling lies) that FP should listen more. Complain that FP Never listens Point out flaws in FP not following full spousal role
Continue Cheating
Heart Broken Taken for Granted Shock Pain Loss Abandonment Fear Disgust Revulsion Hurt Bewilderment Tortured Disgrace Throw Up No Place of Comfort Left
Appalled by Chutzpah
So ... Why doesn’t this Split Life strategy work? The Attack machine Part 3 –
Mind games! The Warped Double Standard - Unbelievable hypocrisy while making full demands of FP
Dress Up for visit with OP then ask FP for compliment about appearance
My needs weren’t met
Complain never gets compliment from FP Complain FP is always jealous and suspicious Claim long nightly calls & visits are “my own business” Spin & Deny when confronted with proof
Expect (right after telling lies) that FP should listen more. Complain that FP Never listens Point out flaws in FP not following full spousal role
Continue Cheating
FP’s Nightmare is Stomach-Turning All this attack stuff is a horror story inflicted on FP To CP, it is just self-protection (lies, self, OP, gateway to cheat more) so it is honourable and justified One example: the 4 a.m. Kiss & torture test
◦ The CP could care less that kissing the FP with a mouthful of OP’s body drippings is repulsive ◦ The CP uses this as a “test” to show that the FP lacks affection – this test justifies more cheating ◦ Some cheaters “kiss test” the FP before and after each kanoodle-fest with the OP, this lack of hugs and kisses after dressing up for the OP “confirms” that they are justified: the FP is “cold and unfeeling and doesn’t respect and compliment them any more when they dress up”!
◦ Remember: To justify evil, a CP will believe and spout any stupid shit, and do any harm
FP’s Nightmare is not Mere Words
◦ Remember: To justify evil, a CP will believe and spout any stupid yarn, carp about any minor fault, disseminate any wicked sneering criticism, invent any lie, and do any harm
◦ It is a nightmare – it makes the FP emotionally numb and hurt ◦ It is deliberate and cruel ◦ But the cheater will usually feel fully justified (and thus morally superior to the faithful partner)
Did I Mention It Yet? You Are the Weird One
Your real fault was to still be trusting and in love with the CP, who deceptively gave you reason to be For acting normally, the CP will be attack you as if YOU are some freak with the bad behavior
◦ You will be called paranoid, insane, unbalanced ◦ Your past will be blamed for making you cold, numb, bitter, jealous, unforgiving, unable to show love, etc. ◦ Your prior relationships will be the ones that you failed in, and they blemished you and made you unfit ◦ They left you broken, untrusting, unloving and drove the CP into some one else’s arms (and legs)
Why Emotionally Numb? http://www.beliefnet.com/Health/2005/09/Healing-After-Adultery.aspx
ď‚—
Many who discover a partner's cheating have lasting reactions similar to post-traumatic stress disorder, like people whose lives have been threatened in violent crimes, war, fires, natural disasters, or auto accidents. â—Ś They are traumatized by the loss of partnership and security, and the unfairness of trust betrayed.
Emotional Burdens http://www.beliefnet.com/Health/2005/09/Healing-After-Adultery.aspx
They are preoccupied with the burdens placed on them by betrayal and consumed by fear, anger, and helplessness. ◦ They live with heightened anxiety, and dread another betrayal. Consequently, they become numb and withdraw from relationships and from life.
They have periods of emotional numbness and avoid anything that reminds them of the affair ◦ They re-live the horror of the discovered adultery at unexpected times and suffer nightmares and flashbacks.
Attack on the Emotionally Numb
The FP will drift in and out of emotional numbness – and shock ◦ The FP will flee in horror from tainted and suckered “good memories” that should be key lasting memorials to love and hallmarks of trust ◦ The FP will get flashbacks of pain, glimpses of words told to deceive
Now the FP is weak, in that dark time the CP will sneak attack with surprises that require FP’s full capabilities and memory - and grave-rob their precious past to scrounge out justification through overblown and lying excuses
CP’s Appalling Sneak Attack Let his crazy-making rewrite of history begin All this attack justification stuff will include shocking false accusations
Vicious
Sneak Attack!
◦ Some you will remember differently ◦ Some so obscure you will not even be able to recall
CP’s Sordid Accusations Are Lies He Believes
All this attack justification stuff will include shocking false accusations ◦ Some you will remember differently
Vicious
Sneak Attack!
Placing child X in what was a bad day care was not FP’s negligence, it was Aunt Helen’s recommendation that CP advocated Abortion was a joint decision, not forced on CP Not visiting dying Mom for the last time was because of CP crashing the car, not caused by FP’s peevishness about visiting Moving to a new town was joint decision based on special opportunity for career, agreed happily, not one forced on CP
◦ Some so obscure you will not even be able to recall You are condemned for not visiting the hospital twelve years ago ... because of ??? FP may believe that the visit did take place or maybe there was a reason – Wait! - that’s right he was in the midst of an “affair” and his “lover” took him to the hospital and you walked away rather than enter a room with the two of them in it
CP’s Horrid Accusations are Mere Words
Here’s the pattern for attacks to justify cheating: Shocking false accusations
Grave What you should recall, is that it was not a big deal at the time, and is truly in the past (unlike the cheating) Robbing ◦ the CP is selectively “grave robbing” your past life together, to scrounge for any accusation to magnify and pin on you ◦ Even if absolutely true, indictments are to be discussed and placed in context, it is ridiculous to claim that any such flaw on your part leads to cheating, justifies cheating, or excuses the harm done by betrayal ◦ You get no credit for the goodness you have – you just get smeared
No One Around to Counter the Grave Robbing Lies and Verbal Rape The FP has lost the prime source of comfort and intimacy; and the one who knows things about the FP The FP is in no position to confide
◦ Why trust a rat with her thoughts and feelings and her version of memories? – a rat who twists each word to use as an excuse or denial
Verbal
Rape
The CP is very polished and rehearsed his clever excuses and attacks – and grabs at any imagined flaw Hence the now-numb FP is not only attacked viciously with false accusations but has her hands tied – this hampers even a verbal defence Each attack by the CP is more verbal rape, not flinching to cruelly use intimacy and past trust to gain advantage and place the failure and shame on another
More Tricks – More Burdens The Torment Continues Does
shock
this and attack have an impact? How is daily life turned into a maze of pain? Life is a prison surrounded by barbed scornful comments
Acts of Torment Drain Dollars, Get Nice OP Gifts too Come Right On In and Play Come Right On In and Nitpick Tell the OP all - Be Like the OP New Mommy and Daddy Now Adopt a New Family - Ignore and Gripe about Your Own 7. Taunt and Torture 8. Mock Sensible Purity – Flaunt OP So ... Does That Mean The Cheater is a Sociopath, Borderline Personality, Narcissist etc? 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.
Drain Dollars, Get Nice OP Gifts too
Every betrayal has its own forms of torment
Many forms of self-obsessed behaviour are common ◦ Siphon resources “Borrow” money for gifts to OP, outings with OP “Loan” money and time to “help” OP who is having trouble holding job but has lots of spare wile for visits and kanoodling
◦ Use FP money to keep OP large items in FP house Buy vehicles from OP, hire, buy used furniture from OP Loan vehicles to OP Work for OP but not with real wage
It’s A Midway Carney Beckoning You To Treat the Game of Distorted Mirrors as Normal & Fun
Come Right On In and Play
Might as well (so they usually do) ◦ Open your home and introduce family to OP
use family bed for sex with OP, Get children to take messages from OP have OP make friends with the children, introduce OP to mutual acquaintances with FP
◦ Complain to all others about FP’s magnified faults, bad habits, unworthy home provider, etc.
Thanks Dad!
Come Right On In and Nitpick
Pile on the Nasty Remarks (forgetting what caused your FP to lose that sparkle, conveniently ignoring that you caused it all through betrayed - a massive shock and lack of trust)
◦ Complain loudly about FP’s flaws
Lack of affection and hugs, Lack of love and kisses, and especially Lack of appreciation Failure to compliment your good appearance
◦ Then Complain that you spouse is full of Complaints And I suppose ... you are not the real complainer? SelfBlinding Hypocrite
How could you forget? ... her complaints are about real and deep harm you did. Harm that you are still compounding with lies
Tell the OP - Be Like the OP
Might as well... ◦ Pass around family personal facts with OP share personal and financial facts with OP, joke and gripe with OP to mock or put down everything about FP – even FP ’s helpfulness, positive deeds and attempts to rebuild
◦ Imitate OP’s idiosyncrasies Take on OP’s turn of voice, joking accents and expressions when talking to family, children, parents, and FP Boast that they share OP’s interest and superior taste in authors, stars, music, books, shows, philosophy, toilet goods Tell OP’s jokes and stories
New Mommy and Daddy Now
Also might as well do this... ◦ Disconnect Reminders of Vows Lose wedding ring, engagement ring, Take down wedding photos
◦ Herd Children into Cesspool
Thanks Dad!
Introduce children and keep in contact with OP’s children Take children to OP’s birthdays and OP’s family birthdays Urge & Enable grown children to have OP as landlord There’s one for the books: Let OP phone your children for help with dead battery so OP can remove his car from your driveway (after visiting & kanoodling you at your house) before FP returns from work
Adopt a New Family
Ignore and Gripe about Your Own
Also might as well intrude completely ◦ Ensconce OP family “Turn” the OP’s Spouse - Make “friends” with OP’s spouse Publicize - Post OP’s children and relatives and pet photos on fridge
◦ Have it Both Ways Use FP to do laundry, earn pay, have job, babysit, do housework, fix car, run errands ... so that CP can have more time to meet OP ... And complain how FP isn’t doing enough and not doing it well enough Complain that FP works too much and is neglecting you – while neglecting all FP’s basic respect and ungratefully taking the gains of the job
Both Ways: A cheating wife gets angry at her husband. Why? Because he doesn’t give her a nice big Valentine's Day card and compliment her. By the way, she spent Feb 13 with her OP.
Taunt and Torture
Also might as well intrude completely ◦ Taunt Brag to FP about OP’s many superior way of dealing with people, business, home care, challenges Quote OP and include his opinion in discussions with friends, children and FP Flaunt OP mementoes and name, brag with “friends”
◦ Torture Socialize - Invite FP to special occasions in OP’s family – and kick FP for be anti-social if he politely refuses Flaunt - Post OP’s cell number on kitchen cork board Keep Mentioning - Talk to FP and family about goings on in OP’s world
Mock Sensible Purity – Flaunt OP
Also might as well intrude completely ◦ Mock at FP’s Avoidance of Dirty Sex Mock the FP who won’t have slutty risky sex with ongoing cheater “So what. I am not being celibate. So you are not hurting me.” “You are sure having trouble with sex drive and performance.” especially in front of kids, larger family group, friends, strangers
◦ Keep OP in plain view of FP Display - Without discussion, have OP over to the house to “help with trees” and do chores as repayment for something Buy OP’s used appliances, fill house with OP’s brand of Amway goods, extol benefits of having OP as “up-line”, while CP is OP’s “down-line” Keep mentioning OP’s name while denying cheating with OP
Har har har, They didn’t expect a little taunt and torture game? Let them bleed and suffer torment, They are just over-sensitive. They will get over it.
WHO’S SORRY NOW? NOT THE CHEATER – HE JUST WALKS AWAY AND GETS READY TO SHOW HIS GOOD SIDE TO AN OUTSIDER “I am not responsible for you feelings – or for tormenting you.”
Shock Every Day Every Moment Gone is the sparkle and joy and pride Gone is the trusted place of comfort Instead ... a massive campaign of pain, lying, and blame-shifting CP will not flinch about kicking you hard and repeatedly while you are down Formerly loving and singularly trusted CP will spout any shit and do any harm with no regrets
The Stockholm Prisoner Behind The Iron Mask
No Wonder after all this massive campaign of pain, lying, and blame-shifting ◦ The FP is tired and withdrawn ◦ The FP finds it difficult to ask the right questions, make the right challenges ◦ The FP is from time to time horrified ◦ The FP is often at a loss for the right words ◦ the FP desperately needs to use words but has no voice (in pain forgetting simple needed words like evasion and deflection and distortion; in pain struggling to give words to the personal horror and disgust suffered followed by the indignity of being lied at and falsely accused)
So ... Does That Mean The Cheater is a Sociopath, Borderline Personality, Narcissist etc? ď‚— It
is better just to recognize an uncaring manipulative tormentor early, rather find the right label for them
So ... How Do I Recognize This?
One consistent “tell” is that they find a way to place the burden on others ... They even burden you with unscrambling their communication ◦ You have to get back to them to confirm no change in plans by them ◦ You are expected to know what preferences they have ◦ You have to disambiguate all their weak pronoun references and hazy expressions, decode their story telling and evasiveness ◦ You are made to feel responsible for decisions that they duck ◦ You are on the hook to inform others and keep informed yourself
But when it comes to their evasive manipulative communication ... They somehow return to being experts at slicing the onion exactly their way and communicating perfectly to suit their ends
So ... Is The Cheater is a Sociopath, Borderline Personality, Narcissist, Chromic Liar etc? Maybe, at least sometimes. For sure these folks will not flinch at adultery. Who knows? Even the experts have a tough time nailing down the definitions and diagnostics You can’t really say. What you know is that a bully harm-doer who has no remorse is a damaged personality – cold and dangerous
Why Is the Cheater Damaged? Who knows if they are born that way or whether they learn to take it on Who knows if they are always that way or whether they are just selective apprentice predators
◦ Like slave owners who are kind to family neighbours and domestic animals, but who are unconscious to the evil they do to their slaves ◦ Like the adulterer who is sweet to his hunny and yet who tortures, lies and shits mercilessly on his family
Some will listen
MESSAGES TO ONLOOKERS
You Will “See” Fights and Arguments Actually you will see only the part that the predator cheat wants you to see You will think
◦ There’s yelling – they must both be shouting ◦ There’s blame – they must both be blaming ◦ It’s just a crazy personal dispute gone berserk
No, it’s a standard part of the cheater’s game of cruel false blame mixed with a dash of pompous sanctimonious justification He will turn every moment into sharp pain He will sabotage any hope of making a resolution to his “important” disputes The faithful partner will seem to be needlessly bitter You are the audience to a stage play of sniping and bickering disguised as a 2-way story
And When You Learn About The Cheating
You Will Just Think That The FP is Being Bitter Actually you failed to observe that her life is being devoured by a tormentor It’s a cruel kicking and a unworthy attack on a person whose only real fault was to trust and love The real bitter person has created a life full of hateful lying and exaggerated invented painful blame He can afford to seem charming – most predators are
Some will listen
MESSAGES TO CHEATING PREDATORS
Wake Up Cheaters! It’s time now to speak directly to you cheaters
Wake Up Cheaters! Message To The Lying Blaming Cheat
Any Lie Kept Continues The Harm Any Trust, Impossible With Lies Any Denial of Responsibility Just More Manipulation
Look, at some point you just might internalize these facts: Any Lie Left Behind = YOU making more PAIN ◦ You are doing substantial harm every day you leave your feeble lies on the table – even if you have ceased attacking and adding to the injury & lies ◦ You are locking the door to a renewed civil relationship (either to reconcile or even to co-parent) if you maintain deceit and lies, blame and pain ◦ You are living a massive delusion if you think that your choices have no consequences that you must take full accountability for ◦ You are sabotaging forgiveness even as you resent the lack of forgiveness – it’s repent, not resent!
Wake Up Cheaters! Message To The Lying Blaming Cheat
Any Lie Kept Continues The Harm Any Trust, Impossible With Lies Any Denial of Responsibility Just More Manipulation
Look, at some point you just might internalize these facts: Any Lie Left Behind = YOU making more PAIN ◦ You are doing substantial harm every day you leave your feeble lies on the table – even if you have ceased attacking and adding to the injury & lies ◦ You are locking the door to a renewed civil relationship (either to reconcile or even to co-parent) if you maintain deceit and lies, blame and pain ◦ You are living a massive delusion if you think that Lyinghave Got Startedthat you must your choices no You consequences take full accountability for Lying Fuelled the Ongoing Cheating ◦ You are sabotaging forgiveness even as you resent Lying Can Only Be Healed with Truth the lack of forgiveness – it’s repent, not resent!
Wake Up Cheaters! Message To The Lying Blaming Cheat
Any Lie Kept Continues The Harm Any Trust, Impossible With Lies Any Denial of Responsibility Just More Manipulation
Look, at some point you just might internalize these facts: Any Lie Left Behind = YOU making more PAIN ◦ You are doing substantial harm every day you leave your feeble lies on the table – even if you have ceased attacking and adding to the injury & lies ◦ You are locking the door to a renewed civil relationship (either to reconcile or even to co-parent) if you maintain deceit and lies, blame and pain ◦ You are living a massive delusion if you think that your choices have no consequences that you must take full accountability for ◦ You are sabotaging forgiveness even as you resent the lack of forgiveness – it’s repent, not resent!
Wake Up Cheaters! Will That Lying Blaming Cheat Take Real Responsibility for His Heart? How can anybody forgive what you won’t even come clean about?
Look, at some point you just might internalize these facts:
Forgiveness, Impossible With No Remorse
◦ That is just your dumb delusion – it is crap ◦ You are locking the door to forgiveness with lies ◦ You are even lying to yourself. The offer of forgiveness is incomplete. It requires a change in you called genuine repentance. By blaming your FP for lack of forgiveness, you have it all backwards
Any Denial of Responsibility Is Just More Manipulation
YOU are sabotaging forgiveness
◦ You demand forgiveness and feel that the FP is bitter and needlessly resentful and obsessed
Action Message To The Lying Blamer Take the 12 Steps to Adultery Recovery
Get Clean
Get Genuine
Get Remorse – It’s NOT About YOU & YOUR conditions
It will be in your own best interest at some point to put down the axe, deal in truth, clean up the lies, and take back the exaggerated false blame you dished out If you are mildly sorry, don’t apologise in a hardhearted cold conditional manner. Get some counselling to face and correct your new cold self first. You have conditioned yourself to be numb to the pain and devastation you have inflicted - don’t make it worse by tossing off luke-warm half-sorry apologies. It’s called remorse, not sudden release. You are morally empty if you are demanding instant redemption, or placing any preconditions on your prey, such as forgiveness and meeting your needs
Expectation Message To The Lying Blamer You Messed Everything Up
Now Live With It
Zip Your Lip, You’re no trusted advisor
DO NOT EXPECT that your injured prey will be capable of being 100% or giving 100% for a very, very long time – and that’s your fault
If you think she was boring or morose or unmotivated before you took the axe to her, check out what you have piled on – and don’t feel sorry for yourself if “she’s not her old self – she seems bitter – she is not contributing as much, she is unresponsive, she can’t meet my needs, she’s guarded, she’s not joking as much” Remember – she wants to be 100% and wants to be better – but you are the last person on the earth she needs to have preaching to her and advising her – you are not and never will be welcome as her trusted guiding therapist.
Second Chance Life Style Message To The Lying Blamer
You Messed Everything Up Once
You Need to Be On Guard Against a Second Time
Slimy Roots - DO NOT EXPECT that your old chums that sniggered and winked at adultery are suitable pals Danger is Known - Your old life style was the gateway down the path to adultery –it is proven to be a dangerous path Second Chance - Reconciled or not, you stand on a threshold where you make the big life style choice again Second Time Smart - Now you know better, you are more at fault if you again choose the same “good friends” – don’t kid yourself, you already know who these winking and guffawing adultery-braggarts and excusers are Protect Others - If you parroted the adultery bragging and excuses to others - they may have been influenced for the worse by you – you should try to go back and set them straight Share the Remorse - Make Your Experience Count – Others can learn from you if you share that you have been responsible for horrendous life choices that cause injury – not Hollywood fulfilment
You Were Once A Good Friend
Look in the mirror Work at rediscovering your warm heart Try now to be all those things that good people are .. like kind and true At least try the 12 steps before giving up
If you can’t reconcile, at least try to build more good will
Learn from mistakes, don’t excuse them so much that they hold no lessons to learn