Adultery With Its Pants Down Chapter 6
Classic Voodoo Cures
Why Society’s Classic Approaches Are Rigged to Fail
Doomed to Fail ... Doomed to Hurt ď‚—
Society begins by making false assumptions.
We got a small mistake here – a traffic affair. A wake-up call for the uncaring inattentive passengers.
Looks like we gotta look for causes. Maybe a careless passenger was talking too loud and that rattled the driver whose needs were not being met.
Doomed to Fail ... Doomed to Hurt
Society jumps to conclusions by using words that frame the issue and smuggle in bias: ◦ The faithful partner got a “wake-up call” ◦ Lets search for “causes” ◦ It was a small “mistake” that we must put behind us quickly with forgiveness ◦ It is called a “love affair” with a “lover” ◦ A faithful spouse is just feeling rejected - not a victim of a callous deceitful social predator
Doomed to Fail ... Doomed to Hurt The basic error is that we all act as if “the faithful partner got a wake-up call” – all he got was unfair hurt and a pack of false blame – do rape victims get a “wake up call” too? Actually the cheater got the wake-up call when busted
◦ His delusion of being able to successfully manipulate and lie has crashed down ◦ His self-absorbed conniving program of leading two lives has crashed
Doomed to Fail ... Doomed to Hurt But we are hypocrites and immediately set up a the fruitless search for causes which quickly turns into a search for reasons that are excuses and place blame against the victim We make the victim use words that are sugary or self-blaming and grossly in error We want to use these nice words too no matter what twist of a knife and gagging they give to the victim
We are doomed if we use names that help the cover up
Let’s Use Real Names The
OP or Outside Person, Betrayal Buddy, Home Wrecker (not “lover”) The CP or Cheating Partner, Predator The FP or Faithful Partner Puke at all the false names of Hollywood ◦ Love Affair = Cheating, Betrayal, SpouseDumping ◦ Jealous = watchful, now alert
We are doomed if we use names that help the cover up
Let’s Use Real Names He
is having a love affair, he has a lover He has turned on his family, he is off visiting with his betrayal buddy instead He is betraying his faithful family and is screwing around again He is unfaithful and deliberately causing pain and anguish to his loving wife He is turned against his family so he can go cavorting and sneak off with an outsider
Let’s Use Real Facts
Both parties are responsible for the cheating The choice was made by the cheater No input from the faithful partner – the cheater schemed and was adept at hiding it in fact Whatever the prior extraneous circumstances, nothing there inexorably leads to cheating as a “solution” He became an unsupportive pestering nitpicking fault-finder and stopped trying to solve issues, clawing at the relationship When busted, the cheater just got meaner
Doomed Start ... Doomed Cure ď‚—
Society begins by misstating the problem, then comes up with a doomed cure.
There’s a way in counselling to make those passengers pay more attention.
They gotta get over this affair and move on – start by forgiving the bus company and drunk bus driver, then take anger management. Ask the driver what they did wrong and make the changes that he suggests. Face up to their part in not meeting his needs. Yup. The vindictive failed passengers are starting to discuss a just settlement. They are still bitter and unforgiving.
The Classic Cure Search for Reasons No More Ugly Talk Accept Word of Confessing Cheater
No Bitterness
Accept Shared Responsibility Reconcile Welcome and Protect Stop Jealousy
Don’t Be Judgemental Get Marriage Counselling Forgiveness only way to Heal
The Adultery Cure Sounds Good Healing Menu √
Eliminate Unpleasant Talk and Expressions of Ill Will
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Look For Causes by Asking The Cheater Why Do Not Be Judgemental – Truth Is Relative
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The Adultery Cure Sounds Good Healing Menu √ √ √ √ √
Eliminate Unpleasant Talk and Expressions of Ill Will Look For Causes by Asking The Cheater Why Do Not Be Judgemental – Truth Is Relative Realize that Both Parties Share Responsibility Reduce Ill Will Through Forgiveness
The Adultery Cure Sounds Good Healing Menu √ √ √ √ √ √ √
Eliminate Unpleasant Talk and Expressions of Ill Will Look For Causes by Asking The Cheater Why Do Not Be Judgemental – Truth Is Relative Realize that Both Parties Share Responsibility Reduce Ill Will Through Forgiveness Stop Jealousy and Mistrust Accept the Confessing Spouse
The Adultery Cure Sounds Good Healing Menu √ √ √ √ √ √ √ √ √ √
Eliminate Unpleasant Talk and Expressions of Ill Will Look For Causes by Asking The Cheater Why Do Not Be Judgemental – Truth Is Relative Realize that Both Parties Share Responsibility Reduce Ill Will Through Forgiveness Stop Jealousy and Mistrust Accept the Confessing Spouse Protect The Adulterer From a Vindictive Spouse Heal through Forgiveness - The Only Way Out Get Marriage Counselling
Why Does This Not Work? 1.
It’s Just Loaded Words that Feel Good ◦ In practice, they mean quite different things to each person ◦ They carry a load of baggage and harm Jealousy – Wary? Bullying? Envy? Watchful? Protective?
Forgiveness – Forget? Reconciliation? Response to Remorse?
If we don’t clarify, we are not really saying anything concrete. We are just using very slippery and empty code words.
Why Does This Not Work? 2. It gives the mike to happy talk and to the Cheater (CP) ◦ And gags the faithful partner (FP)
3. All the agenda becomes one-sided very fast – after all ... It’s all about ... What is the FP doing to answer the wake-up call?
If we use the Classic Adultery Cure, we quickly place all the burden on the FP, and let the CP start making demands again.
It Does Not Work Because It Is Really Something Else
All the feel-good names of the “cures” need to be translated from psycho-babble into plain talk
Here’s what the Classic Adultery Cure really is when you strip off the psych jargon and code words ...
Remember The Classic Cure? Search for Reasons No More Ugly Talk Accept Word of Confessing Cheater
Don’t Be Judgemental
No Bitterness
Accept Shared Responsibility Reconcile Welcome and Protect Stop Jealousy Get Marriage Counselling
Forgiveness only way to Heal
The Classic Cure Unmasked Search for Excuses No More Reality Talk Accept Word of Lying Cheater
Don’t Be Just
Do Not Admit Harm
Delusions of Shared Responsibility Issue a Free Pass for Adulterer Take Sides with Cheater Blame the Faithful Spouse Smear Spouse as Jealous
Casting Call for Quick Forgiveness or Else Marriage Clownselling’s Drama Queen
The One-Size Adultery Prescription Is Doomed to Fail & Hurt Magic Healing Menu
Important Medicinal Ingredients
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Tell the FP to Chill & Shut Up
Hush, Hush you judgemental obsessive
√
Put up with Chutzpah and Drug
Let the cheater express his inner needs and anger
Rage √
Let the Lies Go Rolling Along
Partial Lies. Vicious Lies ... They’re As Good As True
The One-Size Adultery Prescription Is Doomed to Fail & Hurt Magic Healing Menu
Important Medicinal Ingredients
√
Tell the FP to Chill & Shut Up
Hush, Hush you judgemental obsessive
√
Put up with Chutzpah and Drug Rage
Let the cheater express his inner needs and anger
√
Let the Lies Go Rolling Along
Partial Lies. Vicious Lies ... They’re As Good As True
√
Join In And Kick the Prey
It’s Partly Your Fault - You Are Over Sensitive It’s All Your Fault – You Should have Known It’s Nobody’s Fault - It Is A Failed Marriage
√
Forgiveness Needed Right Now
Whatever that means, big or small, no healing without it – Just let them off the hook quick or you’re a hater
The One-Size Adultery Prescription Is Doomed to Fail & Hurt Magic Healing Menu
Important Medicinal Ingredients
√
Tell the FP to Chill & Shut Up
Hush, Hush you judgemental obsessive
√
Put up with Chutzpah and Drug Rage
Let the cheater express his inner needs and anger
√
Let the Lies Go Rolling Along
Partial Lies. Vicious Lies ... They’re As Good As True
√
Join In And Kick the Prey
It’s Partly Your Fault - You Are Over Sensitive It’s All Your Fault – You Should have Known It’s Nobody’s Fault - It Is A Failed Marriage
√
Forgiveness Needed Right Now
Whatever that means, big or small, no healing without it – Just let them off the hook quick or you’re a hater
√
Hate that Jealousy
Because it’s hateful to be jealous, but not hateful to throw around the false accusation of jealousy
√
Any Confession Will Do
Take it at face value – a lying face is just as good
The One-Size Adultery Prescription Is Doomed to Fail & Hurt Magic Healing Menu
Important Medicinal Ingredients
√
Tell the FP to Chill & Shut Up
Hush, Hush you judgemental obsessive
√
Put up with Chutzpah and Drug Rage
Let the cheater express his inner needs and anger
√
Let the Lies Go Rolling Along
Partial Lies. Vicious Lies ... They’re As Good As True
√
Join In And Kick the Prey
It’s Partly Your Fault - You Are Over Sensitive It’s All Your Fault – You Should have Known It’s Nobody’s Fault - It Is A Failed Marriage
√
Forgiveness Needed Right Now
Whatever that means, big or small, no healing without it – Just let them off the hook quick or you’re a hater
√
Hate that Jealousy
Because it’s hateful to be jealous, but not hateful to throw around the false accusation of jealousy
√
Any Confession Will Do
Take it at face value – a lying face is just as good
√
Be Like Jesus and The Adulterous Woman – Misquoted to Take sides
Excerpts from the faith stories to accept the faithless as if they confessed & repented - Go and sin some more
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Do Christian-like Forgiveness
Pressure and Blame the FP to unconditionally drop his blame – as well as his security and common sense
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Get Marriage Counselling
A Stage Play for Cheaters – (The Envelope Please)
√
Magic Healing Menu
Important Medicinal Ingredients
Tell the FP to Chill & Shut Up
Hush, Hush you judgemental obsessive
Cheaters Rule!! Yeah!!
MESSAGE TO THE FAITHFUL PARTNER:
CHILL DOWN, SHUT UP, PISS OFF Instead of fairness and compassion, society takes sides on a tilted table with a crooked cue and wobbly billiard balls
The Doomed Ways Knowing that this harm is driven by secrecy and lies, we still insist that the injured party shuts up and talk in code and use selfblaming words (The Hush-hush Conspiracy) We use false sugary words for acts of harm We use no-fault words for acts of one party We pretend that half-truths are not lies We let the predator blame the prey
The Doomed Ways We
frame the issues as in a biased proadultery Hollywood plot. With this set of lies we line up with the oppressor. This causes additional needless: ◦ Hurt: We give a fresh twist of the knife to the prey with our words ◦ Shock: We disempower and gag the prey ◦ Alienation: denying fairness, withdrawing protection and withholding justice for the prey
We Flee From Facts of The Issue We
frame the issues as in a biased proadultery Hollywood plot. With this set of lies we line up with the oppressor. This causes additional needless: ◦ Hurt: We give a fresh twist of the knife to the prey with our words ◦ Shock: We disempower and gag the prey ◦ Alienation: denying fairness, withdrawing protection and withholding justice for the prey
Our Upside-Down World
The target of the predator is its prey, but we never call it that Predators include rapists, con artists, thieves, scam makers, sadists, adulterers, and muggers We would be nuts to tell a mugging victim to be more understanding, don’t use blunt language, get over it, let the mugger run loose, make changes, learn from the mugger, take anger management to relate better to muggers, and that she was a “failed” urban traveller But a predatory adulterer appreciates your selling out by telling that bull-roar to his prey
The Core of All The Doomed Ways
The target of the predator is its prey, but we never call it that Predators include rapists, con artists, thieves, scam makers, sadists, adulterers, and muggers We would be nuts to tell a mugging victim to be more understanding, don’t use blunt language, get over it, let the mugger run loose, make changes, learn from the mugger, take anger management to relate better to muggers, and that she was a “failed” urban traveller But a predatory adulterer appreciates your selling out by telling that bull-roar to his prey
Our solution - Gag that F#*@%g FP The real appalling outcome – disrespecting & disarming the victim Our social culture and psychology industry like to avoid or “resolve” the unpleasant We applaud The Charmer predator CP
◦ The glib well-rehearsed CP is pleasant, socially active, and trades in psycho-babble niceties
We put down The Spoil Sport prey FP
◦ The dark morose FP is not joyful to start with ◦ To make it worse for us, the FP brings up unpleasant topics and uses ugly words
So ...We make the FP shut up about the CP betrayal and manipulation (and kanoodling around), or at least use a nice approved word like “has a lover”
The Cover Story: Let’s Talk Nice
The Real Message: Hypocrisy
Okay everybody - Time out
It’s that kind of “ostrich” thinking that helps enable cheaters to do the damage they do.
After all, what is more disgusting?
◦ The mere words ◦ The same acts and more - repeated deliberate acts taken in harm, betrayal and stealth , with devastating
consequences quickly laughed off Decency and fairness would stop you from “playing along” with your tut-tut disapproval of words alone Why blame the FP just for choice of language? While giving sympathy and a free pass to the CP for the much more blameworthy REAL acts
There Are Thousands of Ways To Look The Other Way in Cheat City
When is the last time you heard an open honest discussion of adultery as a tragic destructive social predation and personal horror? ◦ In Church or Social clubs or TV dramas or films ◦ At Home with a family, In counselling ◦ At Work
?
Never When is the last time your children and friends were exposed to Hollywood feel-good adultery excuses, sugary false situations, fairy tales and words like “love affair” and “lover”? Probably every week ... Or every day.
?
There Are Thousands of Ways To Look The Other Way in Cheat City
When is the last time you heard an open honest discussion of adultery as a tragic destructive social predation and personal horror? ◦ In Church or Social clubs or TV dramas or films ◦ At Home with a family ◦ At Work
Never or almost never
When is the last time your children and friends were exposed to Hollywood feel-good adultery excuses, sugary false situations, fairy tales and words like “love affair” and “lover”?
?
There Are Thousands of Ways To Look The Other Way in Cheat City
When is the last time you heard an open honest discussion of adultery as a tragic destructive social predation and personal horror? ◦ In Church or Social clubs or TV dramas or films ◦ At Home with a family ◦ At Work
Never or almost never
When is the last time your children and friends were exposed to Hollywood feel-good adultery excuses, sugary false situations, fairy tales and words like “love affair” and “lover”?
Probably every week ... Or every day
Hush Hush, Sweet People What
other socially pervasive topic is so skewed and taboo** that we are afraid to speak of it bluntly?
** That’s a bit like screwed and tattooed
Hush Hush, Sweet People What
other socially pervasive topic is so skewed and taboo** that we are afraid to speak of it bluntly? None ** That’s a bit like screwed and tattooed
How To Make The Faithful Partner Shut Up
It starts by looking the other way and using biased words If the faithful partner doesn’t use the nice words, just throw these painful sanctimonious preachy accusations at a devastated person in real pain:
◦ Do I detect a small note of self-pity here? ◦ Face it, you failed to meet his needs ◦ You didn’t know about it? That shows how shallow you relationship always was. So you drove him to it. ◦ It does no good being (= You are) bitter and judgemental ◦ Move on already. Get over it. (= You are obsessing) ◦ It is makes it worse to be (= You are) Jealous ◦ You have to forgive or you are blocking recovery and damaging everybody’s future (= You are unforgiving, hateful and stubborn)
Hush Hush, Sweet People What
other socially insidious topic is so screwed up that our first instinct is to push at and blame the victim so quickly and callously? None ** That’s a lot like plucked and abandoned
√
Magic Healing Menu
Important Medicinal Ingredients
Put up with Chutzpah and Drug Rage
Let the cheater express his inner needs and anger
Let the Cheater Express His Reasons After all, It’s Only the Faithful Partner that Should Shut Up
PUT UP WITH CHEATER’S CHUTZPAH AND VICIOUS DRUG RAGE
Visit the Hot Spots in Cheat City
The cheater is all about lies, rage, pain and chutzpah
You buy the flimsiest excuse for a callous predator who creates personal harm You look the other way
The price:
◦ you are intimidated to tell it like it is ◦ you even alter your thinking to accommodate deliberated repeated harm as a “private matter” ◦ you use nice words to describe the intolerable
Secret Drug Stash in Cheat City What always happens when you try to take a drug away from a substance abuser? Denial ... Rage ... Lies... False Promises... Blame... Dodging with Excuses... Proclaiming one’s right to do so ... Reprisals ... More rage
And what is the drug of choice in Cheat City? NOT companionship per se
It’s just a form of self-catering with sex definitely on the menu
Map of Cheat City Callous and Oblivious Transparent Lies
Cruel Pestering Recruiting Idiot Allies
Evasive Answers
Self-Absorbed Indulgence
Dumb Excuses
Broken Compassion
Nonsense and Irrational Dodges Hypocritical Preaching
Wicked False Blame Exaggerated Cruel Excuses More Lies
And the drug of choice: NOT companionship per se self-catering with sex definitely on the menu
There Are Thousands of Lying Hypocrisies in Cheat City
Let’s just cover some of the more exotic ones here Full list available on request
The one I like best is “You’re just jealous. The
condom got into the car when it was being serviced.” Come again? What was being serviced?
“Clueless Cold Denial”
The FP gets to hear, right after hearing a ton of lies, evasions, dissemblance, and stories that fail the smell test ◦ CP says: I have never lied to you ◦ CP says: You are the crazy one that is imagining things ◦
CP manufactures instant excuses and stories. They backtrack & make new spin to almost fit new facts as soon as they are caught in old lies ... Even right after they have just been shown evidence
This cold manipulation may be the cheater engaging in behaviours that properly belong to a Personality Disorder (such as Borderline, Narcissism or Compulsive Lying) ... ... ... or maybe just a tormenting cheater protecting the self and the OP from shame they know they feel
Chutzpah Academy Award Time
Recruit The OP Spouse
CP expresses need to leave home to “think things through” (all along blaming the magnified faults attributed to FP as abuse and coldness)
Here’s one true scenario that beggars belief ◦ What irony, it’s the OP’s spouse that drives by to pick up the CP, and provide shelter from the FP ◦ The CP gets to stay for weeks in the same house as the OP and the OP’s spouse and under that family roof gets better chances to kanoodle ** the OP ◦ Then CP goes there to bad-mouth the FP and set the stage for sympathy ** This is a euphemism. The real term is much shorter.
World-class Chutzpah
The Pester and Evade Campaign
After all this, crap is dished out day after day ◦ CP pokes away at FP and pesters FP
as if the FP still has a full partnership obligation to be happy and fully contributing to make CP’s life ever better
◦ CP preaches about morality and how some people are too judgemental ◦ CP draws in deluded allies - church friends and family to urge FP to be a better spouse and be more friendly ◦ CP keeps lying, then blames FP for not being a good listener (honestly, isn’t this a choice irony) ◦ CP evades topic that FP needs disclosure on, then holds self as a great listener
Sleep ... Or lack of Of course, worry and the campaign of lies, pestering, and crazy-making takes a toll on FP’s energy level and sleep But lack of sleep has another source When police jail suspects
◦ The guilty sleep better (no longer worrying about being caught) ◦ The innocent can’t sleep (first time shock of being accused of something you did not do and trying to exonerate self)
Likewise, when the cheating is exposed ◦ The guilty sleep better (no longer worrying about being caught) ◦ The innocent can’t sleep (first time shock of being pulled into a
house of horrors, and ongoing attempts to do anything to extricate self from it)
Blame ... Or Hypocrisy
Of course, CP’s campaign of lies, pestering, table-turning and crazy-making is sheer pinning blame, and false blame at that But wait till the FP names the real acts that CP has done, like deceit and manipulation Get out the crocodile hankies, The CP goes on a “poor me being blamed” binge and accuses the FP of “always blaming me – no wonder I don’t love you any more”
Bwa Bwa Bwa
Plan B
What If Pestering and Evading Doesn’t Shut the FP Up?
Then Lash Out In Anger!
Cheater’s Topsy-Turvy Fury Is like the Rage of an Addict To the FP, cheating is the problem, and he/she is frantic to solve it.
To the CP, that idea looks plain WRONG! To the CP, cheating is the solution, and not the problem at all. (just as drugs are the addict’s “solution”)
CP’s Furious Drug Rage is Anger Directed At the FP
To the CP, anything that gets between CP and CP’s reward is road kill This “justifies” any attack based on such twisted logic
Furious, fly into rage if reward made harder to obtain Threaten FP for trying to stop the cheating Attack physically if need be Threaten to call cops to restrain FP Manipulate therapist into getting “anger management” for abusive nasty out-of-control FP
It’s all “fair” – no limits to acts or lies
√
Magic Healing Menu
Important Medicinal Ingredients
Let the Lies Go Rolling Along
Partial Lies. Vicious Lies ... They’re As Good As True
“It all depends what you mean by “lie”. There’s no truth, just various perspectives.”
THERE IS A TIME FOR TRUTH BUT APPARENTLY A MUCH BIGGER
TIME
FOR LIES
How Does Cheat Have To Pay for the New Drug? ď‚—
Lies, Lies and more Lies forever
Full Reward For Part Truth?
Liars’ Slippery Little Helpers
With so much lying, the FP is disoriented, and needs a reminder that “Team Liar” has helpers ◦ Helpers like... “Serial disclosure” – revealing only what the current evidence shows, and filling in all the blanks with horrible unbelievable lies – or smug evasive silence Just enough story to almost cover the evidence already revealed No disclosure, not at all contrite, not willing to stop, not at all willing to prove own worthiness for trust
Full Reward For Part Truth?
Liars’ Slippery Little Helpers ◦ The CP seems to defend these liehelpers easily because “they are not really complete lies” ◦ DON’T FALL FOR THAT – THESE ARE ALL JUST LIES Cheaters lie like an alcoholic who has to hide his booze.
Manipulators become so addicted to lying they have no second thoughts.
Many ways to manipulate your loved ones
THESE ARE ALL JUST LIES
THESE ARE ALL JUST CRAPPY LIES IN MINK COATS ◦ Evasions ◦ ◦ ◦ ◦ ◦ ◦ ◦
Part-Truths Withholding Table turning Equivocating Blame it on Insanity Past-referencing Judging sincerity
The CP just wants a reward for using part-truths while lying still No middle ground! If you don’t come clean, you come dirty A lie is a manipulation - that is always cruel and disrespectful
Here Is Your Lie Detector Checklist Cut It Out For Reference During All Discussions with That Lying Cheat
If you hear this, you are not getting the truth ◦ Evasions, Deflections, Dodge and Weave, story-changing ◦ Vague Part-Truths, White Lies, Protective Lies, “It was way in the past” ◦ Withholding Key Facts, cover-up, making it difficult to follow up, “forgetting” while recalling self-excuses in detail ◦ Table turning Questions “What are you asking?”, “What is Truth?”, “Be specific”, “Your truth ? What about my truth” “You are just jealous”, “What do you mean by sex?” ◦ Equivocating, placing limits on the question with false qualifiers, “I was at Bill’s on Friday” – (yeah, amongst other things) “I didn’t even see Sue when you said I did”
Here Is Your Lie Detector Checklist Cut It Out For Reference During All Discussions with That Lying Cheat
If you hear this, you are not getting the truth ◦ Blame it on Insanity: “You need treatment” “You are paranoid”, ◦ Past-referencing : No direct answer, just “I already told you” “Why are you asking again” “you already heard the truth”, “You just wanted to hear your version of the truth” “I don’t remember (exactly)” ◦ Judging sincerity: “You don’t really want to listen to the truth” “I already said no, you won’t listen” “Why don’t you ask what you really want to know” ◦ Dodging means not offering facts, just generalities and irrelevant details. “What issue are you talking about?” “What wrong – who was wronged?” and make you hurt to ask: “Be specific” “How do you define sex?” “What do you mean by ‘did it?’ Admit what ‘it’?”
Each Brazen Lie Is A Fresh Shock
Yes, the faithful partner actually spent years in total trust of this person The FP is stunned to her that this trusted intimate person is so cheeky to continue with a nasty performance that make him out - not just as untrustworthy, but he coldheartedly casts aside and wriggles out of his golden opportunity to come clean
◦ This is alarming and reinforces that the slime-bag is willfully sabotaging any hope of reconciliation or forgiveness or even a decent truthful talk ◦ This lying shows less respect than would be given to a total stranger who asks for the time of day
Each Brazen Lie Is A Fresh Pain
Yes, the faithful partner actually spent years in total trust of this person - this only made it easier to manipulate deceive and betray her as it turns out The FP is stunned – because her love and trust is shattered - but the back-stabbing CP couldn’t care less The FP is in agony – because only a genuine but betrayed love can cause such deep pain - but the rat couldn’t care less
Each Lie Is An Eye-opener
THAT’S RIGHT Mister Cheater, you are not the same person you were when you earned trust and had real love ◦ The FP believed in you so much and looked up to you
THAT’S RIGHT you are not even the same person you were pretending to be in order to manipulate and to deceive the FP into thinking you deserved continued trust and had real love ◦ Until you were busted, the FP believed in you so much and looked up to you while you were cheating and betraying
Each lie reveals the new you – a rat in angel’s clothing. You have had months to get used to being a cheap cruel liar. The FP has only moments to react in horror to learn what you have really become.
The Lying Script Goes into Endless Re-Runs This is not just a one-time act that is retracted in the sober light of a new day, when the CP reconsiders the huge damage done and the true worth of the broken-hearted FP No. No. 1000 times no! This failed stage play runs for weeks, months, years. No matter what the FP says or does, the new true rat thinks it’s okay to tell the most rotten cruel and clumsy lies
Why All The Damn Lies?
They are caught in their own trap They are squirming to get loose They will do anything other than admit the plain truth to themselves about their disgusting deeds (and I don’t mean the sex) They are so deep in lies that they can’t seem find the moral gumption to tunnel out and face reality They are not yet ready to handle the dirty pit they have dug for themselves, and the dirty pig they have become Their blind spot covers just about everything You see it again and again in every case that hits the papers The amazing part is they are stupid enough to think it fools anybody – it’s all incredible shits not even believed by halfwits
The First Un-be-lie-va-ble Words Out of their Lying Lips Hugh Grant Slams Story Claiming He Paid for Sex Tiger Woods denies cheating Bill Clinton denies sex with Monica Arnold Schwarzenegger denies cheating John Edwards denies cheating, and pays aide to claim child as his Gary Hart denies cheating, and dares the press to follow him Eliot Spitzer denies sleeping with hooker You next door neighbour denies cheating
Why? Are They All That Stupid? Yup. Because they have been lying all along They got away with it up to now – you fell for it so far They actually think people will fall for their stupid lies again
Are They All That Nervy? You bet. In their minds ... They don’t owe you – or anybody – the truth Because third parties have covered for them, believed, and colluded with them Because they are above accountability because cheaters have a “free pass”
What is Our Classic Cure for Lies?
We let them continue lying We never call them out We pretend that the CP “has a point” and must express his “point of view” In fact we usually ◦ Cover for him (“he was at the office”), or ◦ Go along with him (“Maybe you should listen to when CP has to say; you may learn something”) ◦ Enter the twilight zone (“There’s no truth, just different truths”)
√
Magic Healing Menu
Important Medicinal Ingredients
Join In And Kick the Prey
It’s Partly Your Fault - You Are Over Sensitive It’s All Your Fault – You Should have Known It’s Nobody’s Fault - It Is A Failed Marriage
Why should the cheater have all the fun lying?
JOIN IN AND KICK THE PREY MAKE THE FP
SHARE THE BLAME IT’S NOT LIKE IT IS JUDGEMENTAL TO DO SO
Let’s Just
“Bayonet The Injured” Society is looking for any way not to blame the cheater The cheater has lots of fault-finding to excuse himself and blame the faithful partner The Solution: Shift the blame - – what’s better than to let the FP take more blame? Kick them when they are down and lay blame on the wounded
Let’s Just
“Bayonet The Injured”
Do we respect the fact that a wronged partner in a destroyed marriage is heartsick? And the prey of a social predator? No. 1000 times no. We aim a verbal assault at them to mock or minimize their anguish ◦ ◦ ◦ ◦
You should lighten up – it’s just rejection You are just feeling sorry for yourself You are being over-sensitive – suck it up You should have known if you had a real relationship – get past it ◦ You had a failed marriage – it happens
More Lies – It’s Your Fault
“You Should Lighten Up” It’s “blame and bayonet the injured” time – they say that you are getting bitter and angry (granted, clearly you are not consistently behaving cool) Well no sh*t, Sherlock The cheater dumps a bucket of vomit and a dirty kitty litter pan into the marital bed and you are supposed to be cool? Always remember: You were cool before, and just look where it got you, and how much credit you got for being nice. Maybe they should lighten up now.
Who Should Lighten Up?
So, I guess it’s okay to bash the heart-broken and tormented faithful partner And during this, she should just lighten up? Come again? Maybe the taunting cheerleaders should lighten up themselves and focus on protection and comfort – providing a real reason to lighten up - rather than spouting their insensitive “be happy” psychology advice lifted from delusional soap operas
More Lies – It’s Your Fault
“You Are Just Feeling Sorry For Yourself” Society and the cheater are incensed that the FP has any legitimate reason to be very unhappy (“she’s so damn morose, no wonder he looked elsewhere”) So they forget the joyful FP whose source of joy has been vandalized in a deep personal shit-storm
◦ They feel they can mock any reaction to the damage done and now they are causing ◦ They treat it like a minor thing, and that she is being pathetic and weak
It’s not at all minor, far from it – it’s like laughing at a rape victim for having torn clothing
Who Is Really Feeling Sorry
... For Getting Caught?
Society and the cheater would like all the bad news just to go away ◦ It’s a cheap shot to demand that the preyed-upon FP should pull up her socks ◦ It’s tries to shut the FP up – by blaming her for having any feelings about what we wickedly call “a little harmless sex”
Rather than deal with the wreckage – we play down the devastation, the harm, the deceit, and the betrayal as if we all have a secret back-room deal to cover up for the busted cheater “Self Pity” is always an accusation – in the case of betrayal it is misplaced, callous and takes sides with cruelty. In the case of family injury, it is an intolerable and heavy-handed accusation from any person who claims to be worthy of dispensing advice.
More Lies – It’s Your Fault
“You’re Being Over-Sensitive”
Like, sure you are just being “over-sensitive”. That’s all it is. And it’s just a little “rejection” you should “get over”
This bullshit preachy blame smear is a more devious version of the vile lie: Adultery is harmless.
No, NOT Over-sensitive. ◦ it is a shock worse than rape, that is detailed as 1000 injuries in chapters 4 and 5 ◦ It is a broken heart destroyed by the very one you had the most trust in ◦ It takes a lot of courage to face the pain, the marital toilet, the empty place of reassurance, the grinding loss of love, the shocking gall, and the nastiness
The Common Thread Special Pleading For The Cheat What do all these one-sided bits of advice (accusations) have in common? ď‚— The advisors smugly assume that they are the masters of good advice and that the victim FP has control (to stop being oversensitive, to lighten up, etc.) and an immediate duty to exercise that control ď‚— But look: they place no such burden on that cheating predator to control himself (to stop lying, to be contrite, to stop cheating, to stop making pain and destruction) ď‚—
Cheater At Work
More Lies – It’s Your Fault
“You Should Have Known”
Maybe You Missed The Big Signs They Posted By Your Bed!
It’s more “blame and bayonet the injured” spin – they
say that a trusting partner should have detected deceit – “What kind of a relationship did you have if you weren’t aware of what was going on?”
Who says that bull-roar? Answer: ironically it’s the
very same people who say you should NOT be suspicious AFTER you become aware of the betrayal –
then these jerks whoop out: “You are acting jealous and suspicious – lighten up – you are obsessed and bitter” The only common thread to all this crap: kick them when they are down and lay blame on the wounded
More Lies – It’s Nobody’s Fault
“It Was A Failed Marriage”
Society is looking for a way not to blame the cheater – what’s better than to let you take half the blame? It’s 50/50 in a failed marriage! Failed Marriage, my ass. It’s more no-fault spin – who would say that a city destroyed by bombs is a “failed city”? It is worded to let the destroyer off the hook (as usual) and place the injured party in a position to take responsibility for the destruction... And feel like a failure
What is a “Failed Marriage”?
Let’s say: “No, I did not have a failed marriage. I had a destroyed marriage. My husband failed in character and destroyed the marriage. I’m not perfect, but I was trusting and loving and contributing - that is in fact a success. The issue is that he felt he could get away with getting his wants fulfilled on the side while holding me to my side of our promise. His lies and manipulation destroyed the trust needed to make it work. His loss, of course, but it injured others around him.” The dip-sticks who keep inflicting harm to the wounded by using this “failed marriage” spin need their heads read
What is a “Failed Marriage”? Let’s say: “No, I did not have a failed marriage. I had a destroyed marriage. My husband failed in character and destroyed the marriage. I’m not perfect, but I was trusting and loving and contributing - thatMarriage is in fact a success. The Failed issue is that he felt he could get away with getting his wants fulfilled on the side while holding me to my side of our promise. His lies and manipulation Is Like Calling a Bomb-blasted destroyed the trust needed to make Hospital it work. His loss, of course, but it injured others around him.” The dip-sticks who keep inflicting harm to the A Failed Health Caremarriage” Solution wounded by using this “failed spin need their heads read
Why don’t they see that calling it FAILED is Just as judgemental and Twice as cruel as Placing the blame where it belongs.
No Fault – Whose fault? Why,Yours, of Course
The caught cheater wants a no-fault solution, for himself After years of finding fault against his spouse to soothe his guilt – he has rehearsed plenty of faults After all there must be reasons, needs were not met... Maybe she didn’t take care of her looks!
What a shame! She really could have succeeded if she’d just taken better care of her hygiene – ick!.
Don’t be a such a big spoil-sport.
Let’s all go home happy Let’s be friendly and forget the bad stuff Let’s put it all in the past – after I’ve emptied your wallet.
YOU ARE JUDGEMENTAL – AND THAT’S A REAL CRIME! It’s never judgemental at all on the flimsiest of grounds To cruelly denounce and blame victims as judgemental And indicate that they are sick, bitter and stuck in blame. Look at their proof: You are not yet responding with positive tones that buy into those lame excuses of your predator.
Judgemental! Decode That Finger Pointing Word
No right to judge UNFAIR!
Excess and Bias UNFAIR!
Closed Mind UNFAIR!
Judgemental! Decode That Finger Pointing Word
This is their real accusation No right to judge UNFAIR!
Excess and Bias UNFAIR!
Closed Mind UNFAIR!
Judgemental?
Name Calling
What Evidence Is There? Examine their real accusation No right to judge UNFAIR!
Excess and Bias UNFAIR!
Closed Mind UNFAIR!
Where are the specifics to justify any of these? All you get is a blanket accusation “Judgemental� used when any person is upset and seeks redress ...
Judgemental?
Name Calling
What Evidence Is There? Examine their real accusation No right to judge UNFAIR!
Excess and Bias UNFAIR!
Closed Mind UNFAIR!
What an emotional smear word does is cast blame very freely ... Just toss out: “Judgemental� And deflect ... without having to be specific and defend the underlying accusation with specifics. A specific charge would require evidence and perspective instead of a smear and one-way finger pointing.
Judgemental?
Name Calling
What Evidence Is There? Examine their real accusation No right to judge UNFAIR!
Excess and Bias UNFAIR!
Closed Mind UNFAIR!
Contrasted with the real situation Right to ask Actual evidence of Tormented with for fair treatment harm, though passed torrent of lies off as a small mistake
Judgemental?
Name Calling
What Evidence Is There? Examine their real accusation No right to judge UNFAIR!
Excess and Bias UNFAIR!
Closed Mind UNFAIR!
Contrasted with the Cheater’s situation Claims Right to blame FP
Exaggerated fault picking
Denies facts and peddles lies
Judgemental! Every time you are upset, I will call you judgemental, and imply you are bitter, angry, unfair, and have a closed mind.
What They Imply
No right to judge UNFAIR!
Excess and Bias UNFAIR!
Closed Mind UNFAIR!
Judgemental! Every time you are upset, I will call you judgemental, and imply you are bitter, angry, unfair, and have a closed mind.
What They Imply
And I’ll never have to provide specific instances or evidence – just the fact you are not cheerful and won’t give a free pass to a predator
A “Judgemental” smear usually shows that they are picking sides – now, that’s biased!
Is All Judging Unfair? Or is it simply inconvenient and annoying to destructive predators
Would Decent People Really Prefer this Alternative?
Deny Wrong
No Place for Justice
Let Everybody Off Allow Street Mobs To Dole Out Justice
Be Blind to Proven Facts Just Look the Other Way
It’s Judgement Day For The Blame Word “Judgemental”
If Humanity Fails To Serve Justice
We All Become Slaves To The Only Law Left:
Might and Money
“Judgemental” is Your Shovel-Ready Smear Word Apparently some kinds of name calling is approved of Pompous empathy-drained experts with a shrivelled up sense of care are actually allergic to fairness What they mean is that you are placing value on fairness – and this gets in the way of their nicey-nicey agenda: the old “it’s just a small harmless bit of sex” excuse
Who Else Is Judgemental?
Here’s the laugh:
◦ It was never called out as judgemental for the cheater to repeat his excuse list ◦ He just got a free pass to duck responsibility by saying those good old invented and exaggerated faults of the FP ◦ He got a free pass for his total lack of compassion, his wicked conduct and his blaming comments
But the same folks will pounce on the FP and self-righteously blame any negative word as a sign of being “wickedly” judgemental
One-Sided Special Pleading
Deflection from case against CP
They Just Want To Push You Away and Skip Any Consequences for Their Harmful Conduct So They Call You Judgemental! Would you allow that brazen name-calling to deflect and excuse any other harmful act? Child neglect? Slavery? Rape? Cruelty to pets? Without real judgement (fair assessment, facing facts and yes calling out the predators)
Justice and Responsibility move into the Twilight Zone