The Front Page April 1, 2014 Edition

Warwick says, “I Just Really Want Some Friends.”

Written by Rachel Padro FRCC Student Coordinator of Clubs and Stuff, Timothy Warwick, was quoted this week as saying,

“I really just want some friends sometimes. I really just want a hug.

That’s all.”

If you see this man, hug this man.

Photo Courtesy of Your Mom

In This Issue…

Ring Tailed Lemur Club Splits Away from Flying Lemur Club. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2

April Fools. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7

Crazy Happenings Around FRCC . . . . . . . . . . . 4

Hallway Etiquette . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6

Upcoming Events. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3

Construction Update . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6

Help. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3

Learn to Laugh 101. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8

New Parkour Club. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 The Corgi Crisis in Hawaii, and How Students Can

Volume 27, Issue 5

Tuesday April 1, 2014

The Front Page

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April 1, 2014

Ring Tailed Lemur Club Splits Away from Flying Lemur Club

Word Dare

Written by Catherine Moorland

Written by Russell Poppins

When asked why the Lemur Club decided to split into two groups, Ring Tailed Lemur Club President, Alexis Lucero, said, “There was a huge division as to whether ring tails could compare with flyers. Obviously, ring tails are a trillion times better, but some club members were unwilling to accept that. The split was swift and it was necessary.”

FRCC Student Ana Ibanez from the Flying Lemur Club says that, “The split was hard on some of us. Some of us just wanted to celebrate the all around splendorificness of all lemurs, but others couldn’t accept that.” She sided with the Flying Lemurs because, “Well, duh. They can fly.”

But FRCC student and President of the Flyers, Timothy Warwick, adamantly says, “There was no competition. Flying lemurs rule, and ring tailed lemurs just bask in the glory emitting from their awesomeness. It’s

not fair, nor is it decent, to put ring tails on the same pillar as flyers. They haven’t earned it, and they never will.

That’s that. Some club members who will remain unmentioned—such as the president of the Ring Tails—had an issue with that simple fact.”

And FRCC student and Ring Tailed Lemur club member Claudia Ibanez has another perspective all together.

She simply says, “The Ring Tail meetings had food, so…”

When asked if excessive amounts of food was a strategy to gain new club members, Ring Tailed Lemur Club President Alexis Lucero said, “Only people who shall remain nameless—like the president of the flyers—would resort to using food to bring in membership. Food is simply a byproduct. Our real focus is to celebrate lemurs and their contributions to society.”

Both clubs meet at 11:20 p.m., but Ring Tails meet in the Icy Hills room, while the Flyers meet in the campus gym. Upon occasion, they have been known to dress in lemur costumes and have private underground battles.

This week’s word of the edition features a word that can be applied in the place of many others and according to Dictionary.com will make you sound instantly smarter!

If you wish to know more about the lemur club, e-mail club president Alexis Lucero or Timothy Warwick. The secret password for the Ring Tail Club is, “I love lemurs more than people.”

The secret handshake for the Flying Lemur Club is too complex to describe here. Ask Timothy Warwick to do a demonstration of it for you.

Word: Whatchamacallit

After successfully stating the password or accomplishing the handshake, you will have the ability to communicate with club members. Be certain you do not perform improperly, or give the wrong password to the wrong club, as multiple FRCC students have disappeared after such an occurrence.

Pronounced: \ˈhwä-chə-mə-ˌkȯ-lət,-\.

Means: Used when a person cannot recall the name of a forgotten or unknown item Examples: “Hey Jim, hand me that... whatchamacallit.”

“The what?”

“I’m going to the store to buy a whatchamacallit”

New Parkour Club Written by Henry Tilney A new Parkour Club has been assembled on FRCC Westminster’s campus. FRCC student and Club President Alexis Lucero says, “I love parkour because it feels like freedom—it’s like living your dreams of flying! We only started a month ago, and already we have met to practice in the school parking lot, on top of the school, and on 112th during rush hour traffic.”

FRCC student and Parkour Club Member Elizabeth Kale says, “You get to fly around and aimlessly fling yourself at inanimate objects. It’s awesome! It’s just like Assassin’s Creed!”

The popular game, Assassin’s Creed, which features a lot of building jumping, assassinations (no kidding, right?), and being a creeper in a haystack, is actually behind the beginnings of this club. Lucero says, “I started parkour one afternoon while playing Assassin’s Creed. I thought, ‘hey, I’d like to jump on buildings and assassinate people.’

So, I went into my backyard and tried out a few moves. And now here I am! I now do about 6 hours of parkour a day, every chance I get. That’s why my

abs are so amazing.”

Students in the Parkour Club typically meet Thursdays at midnight in the Mountain River room, located beneath the school building. New members must be under five feet tall and weigh over 300 lbs. They begin with a few basic moves and then go straight onto the ‘field’ which happens to be any location they vote on as a group. They used to have snacks but that was too conducive to vomiting, so the idea was canned.

When asked why she thinks people should join the club, Lucero says, “Well, duh. Have you seen my abs? Who doesn’t want abs like mine?”

That aside, Lucero says, “It’s a great opportunity to meet new people, make friends, and get dates. I mean, who doesn’t want to date a girl like me?

Most girls like shopping, or some boring sport like volleyball. But imagine when you tell a guy, ‘I’m part of the parkour club!’ You are instantly a million times more interesting. Same goes for guys! What girl doesn’t want a real life video game character?”

If you are interested in joining the parkour club, you must audition by demonstrating your sweet moves for Lucero. She is available at all hours to witness your tryout, and will give you a verdict on the spot. You needn’t say anything. Just walk up to her and show her what you’ve got!

April 1, 2014

The Corgi Crisis in Hawaii, and How Students Can Help Written by Lydia Whickham There has been a recent explosion of the corgi population in Hawaii. This has led to some unfortunate friction on the island. The residents find themselves constantly pulling corgis out from under their beds, out of their cupboards and cooking pots, and out of their toilets. The corgis find themselves being hunted.

One would think that having corgis in every nook and cranny of the world would lead to general happiness of the population and world peace. But the Department to Monitor Pest and Aviation Control is selling Corgi Hunting Licenses at only $3.00 in order to cope with the situation. Licenses can be purchased at every Walmart, McDonalds, and even in pet stores.

The Head and Chief of 2PAC says, “Corgis are jaywalking and causing car accidents. They are getting stuck in pipes and butchering our plumbing.

The only thing we could think of was to radically reduce the rate of hunting licenses.”

This has torn the islands in two.

Some are gathering hunting parties, some are rounding the corgis up for resale in foreign countries as “large rodents” where such is popular fare.

Some fast food restaurants have been accused of using corgi meet as fillers,

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though labs are still testing their meat and sorting through the other stray types of meat in order to determine if this is so. One of the problems stemming from this situation is the unfortunate and

find it was a corgi clogging your toilet than anything else?” are becoming popular upon street corners. The movement to find a friendly alternative to the issue has spread throughout not only Hawaii and the rest of the United States, but has become international. Westminster’s very own chapter of Save and Rehabilitate the Crippled Corgis has turned their attention to this issue.

How can the FRCC student body help to save the corgis?

The alternative gaining the most support suggests shipping the puppies in crate loads to Australia to run free with this is not a Corgi the kangaroos, koalas, and Australians. Those on board can go to https://www.facebook.com/ sudden explosion of the ‘corgi black thefrontpage to sign the petition, and market.’ People are using corgi pelts to even volunteer to go overseas and help smuggle drugs between the islands. the corgis adapt to their new Australian Children in the rest of the United home by teaching them how to hunt States have been traumatized as they water buffalo and legumes. discover that their stuffed toy corgis

FRCC Coordinator of Clubs are in fact real corgis from Hawaii. One and Leadership and advisor to the Save little girl says the realization hit her and Rehabilitate the Crippled Corgis family when their real corgi “Saw my Alliance, Dan Balski, says, “These stuffed animal and got really depressed corgis are the most precious thing on and started hiding under the couch.” this planet. We have to save them all, or Some protest with signs reading else I will cry.” things such as, “Wouldn’t you rather

Big Hand (Big Foot’s Cousin) Spotted Running Amock in Broomfield!

Photo by Peter Pan

Upcoming Events Written by Russell Poppins

Apple turns 38: Today marks the 38th anniversary of the birth of Apple Inc., a multinational corporation founded by Steve Jobs, Steve Wozniak, and Ronald Wayne.

In celebration, all U.S. Apple stores will be giving away a free song available for download on iTunes with the promotion code “STULTE” valid through April 4, 2014.

Happy listening!

Bilbies, not bunnies: Rabbits, so cute, fluffy and adorable, right? Not if you’re in Australia they’re not!

There, rabbits are seen as pests, as they are known to destroy crops and natural habitats. In attempts to rid of the traditional easter bunny figure, Australians have instead created an “Easter Bilby” tradition. The Bilby is a small, shy mammal with large ears, a native to Australia and an endangered species.

This Easter, purchase some chocolate Easter Bilbies, some of the profits made go to help preserve these fairly cute animals!

Hey it’s April 1: It’s April Fools Day! No it isn’t... April Fools, yes it is!

On a serious note, did you know the Latin word for “Fool” is “Stutle” ? Well now you do. HAHAHAHA Happy April Fools Day!

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April 1, 2014

Crazy Happenings Around FRCC Written by Fanny Price These last weeks at FRCC have been anything but humdrum. Here is a rundown of just a few of the things that happened over spring break and the weeks surrounding.

There has been an explosion downstairs, where the FRCC gym used to be. Some students have likely seen the wreckage as they have passed by.

Officials say the explosion was likely caused by, “An issue in one of the chemistry rooms down there. That, combined with the toxicity of sweat in the air from the gym—likely caused the reaction that would end in such a nasty mess of rubble.” If students wish to work out, they are reminded to do so in the student life hallway.

Director of Student Life, Amy Rosdil has offered a 10 billion dollar scholarship to the first person to speak directly with her in the Student Life Office. She says she wishes to give back to the FRCC community, and those who have taken the time to actually get to know her. Find her in the office, and ask her for the details.

Coordinator of Clubs and Leadership Dan Balski has been infected with the zombie virus, apparently after an excursion to a Jamestown site by the name of Cal-Wood. Other students who attended this recent student retreat are warned to watch for symptoms: excessive desire for human flesh, a tendency burst into sporadic song, tendency to drink coffee from a straw, and a compulsive love of superheroes. Jason Wright was infected after eating a bagel that Balski had touched. Sprays of icy cold holy water have proven an effective deterrent.

Kathy Bellis is leaving the Front Page and dropping her English major after developing an unfortunate paper allergy.

The bookstore is closing because of a ground squirrel infestation and because people are tired of being unable to return their books because ‘A new edition’ is coming out. You know, the ones that don’t really have anything new in them?

And finally, the math department is shutting down because, as FRCC Instructor Cornelia Cole says, “No one even really likes math.” The math instructors have agreed to take on jobs teaching cooking classes and pottery instead. “We decided that we were making a lot of people sad. So now we’re making people glad!”

Some Math instructors have protested with cries of, “Math grows your mind.

Math is necessary for things like cooking in the first place. We wouldn’t have half the technology that we do without mathematics.”

But others are like, “Yeah, we like cooking. It’s cool to get paid for that.”

FRCC students are encouraged to take all of this news in stride. Keep your eyes upon what is important—namely passing your classes—and everything else will take care of itself—except for that ten billion dollar scholarship. You should really go to Student Life and ask about that right now.

April 1, 2014

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Construction Update Written by Fannie Deardrumb At a last minute construction meeting the FRCC planning committee decided to add a zombie apocalypse safe house to the Westminster campus.

All of the classrooms in A-hall will be replaced with all the zombie survival necessities, including sealed doors and windows. All FRCC staff and faculty will be allowed to live in A-hall when the apocalypse takes place. The remainder of the room will be filled with students based on attendance and grade point average – so get to class and be sure to do your homework!

Provisions for the safe house will include three thousands beds.

Running shoes in every size will also

be available just in case the zombies get in and the survivors have to make a run for it. There will be plenty of food, things like granola bars, Power Bars, and Skittles. Weapons will also be stored, each person will receive one baseball bat for zombie head bashing.

Don’t worry about cleaning up all the zombie guts, wet wipes will also be available. Of course no one will be able to survive without something to drink, so FRCC has purchased a five year, five thousand person supply of Red Bull – because you can’t out run a zombie when you’re tired.

Of course the power supply will eventually run out but FRCC has come

up with a plan for that as well! They will be installing a gigantic hamster wheel that will power all the needs of A-hall. Three people at a time must run in the hamster wheel for continuous power. Each person will have to pull their own weight, running for thirty minutes at a time, every third day. Those that are unable to run for thirty minutes at a time will be thrown outside to fend for themselves. Staying fit is no joke!

FRCC is taking suggestions for more zombie survival ideas. If you have an idea or a suggestion please write it down and put it in The Front Page Newspaper mail box.

Written by Emma-Sue Applebee 1. Instead of standing in the hallway with your large group of friends and classmates, make a circle and do the hokey pokey.

Instead of people being annoyed with your group being in the way, they will be happy about putting their left foot in and shaking it all around.

2. Do not walk down the hallway with a frown! Instead, make funny faces. Watch the reactions of passerby’s as they try to figure out what you are doing.

Cold Headlines Written by Charles Bingley Pinterest—All of your secret boards have been made public.

Pinterest is attempting to do damage control by giving out free teddy bears as consolation prizes.

Many are inconsolable, as girls everywhere can no longer deny that they have, in fact, been planning their wedding on Pinterest whether or not they happen to have a significant other, or no matter what stage of a relationship they happen to be in.

Virginia—The apocalypse is coming because somebody saw the face of God in a potato chip.

Hallway Etiquette When it comes to hallway etiquette it seems the students of FRCC have lost their way. Large groups of people of been seen standing in the hallway.

Unfriendly faces have been noticed walking down the hallways. Total strangers walk side by side without saying a word to each other. And perhaps the most disturbing thing of all, people are walking in the hallways!

Just walking! Something has to be done to make this craziness end, so I have created a 10 step list of hallway etiquette that should always be obeyed.

April 1, 2014

3. When walking next to a stranger invite him or her to join you in a game of patty cake. It will make the walk less boring and could earn you a new friend.

4. Never, ever, ever walk down the hallway. Hallways are meant to be skipped in. From now on skip down the hallway.

5. That is all.

Colorado—The first person that speaks directly with the Director of Student Life, Amy Rosdil, in the Student Life Office, gets a ten billion dollar scholarship.

Hawaii—The Hawaiian Islands have had a recent explosion of the corgi population. Corgi hunting licenses are selling at only $3.00, in order to cope with the situation.

England—Miley Cyrus knocked over some third graders and stole their Justin Bieber paraphernalia.

She said, quote, “I hit them like a wrecking ball.”

United States—Justin Bieber did something (else) stupid.

United States—For some reason people are still paying attention to Justin Bieber.

“I love math.”

“Spring break is just too long.”

“I’m not really a dessert fan.”

“I can’t wait for finals.”

“College books should really cost more! I’m not sure how they even make a profit now.”

“I wish Tim Warwick was here.”

“Three hours in a science class just doesn’t seem like enough time.”

“I know exactly where my car is parked.”

“My backpack is too light.”

United States—Parents can’t figure out why their children have an excessive fascination with their tongues, giant teddy bears, twerking, and criminal activity.

Their role models must have nothing to do with it.

New Zealand—A diseased penguin stumbled into town and ate a taco.

April 1, 2014

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April Fools Written by Herb George Lets face it, recycling is garbage.

We have all been in the position where chucking half eaten McDonalds out the window is the only solution. Of course leaving your water running while brushing, or simply driving your car 30 seconds down the road instead of walking is always the quick and easy fix when in a hurry.

Applications will be available in student life. Please fill them out and tell us why you would be suitable for this department. After you have done so please proceed to crumple up that paper and throw it on the ground just outside classroom B-20234. Don’t forget to leave a phone number and contact information.

Lets face it recycling and going “green” commonly take the back seat in the lives of busy Americans. Well students of Front Range I am hear to tell you that you are not alone. People just don’t seem to care about the green movement- and why should they?

There will be a meeting held on April 1st for people who are interested.

In this meeting you will receive information and can get a better feel for the renowned things the club plans on doing.

Let’s cut to the chase. Wouldn’t it be nice to join a club with people who share the common interest of not caring? On April 2nd we will be opening a new department for students young and old. We will be taking applications for our new program called “Recycling Is A Waste.”

The department will supply plentiful amounts of bottled water and had out lots and lots of paper with extra information. You will sign the last page if you are ready to be apart of the amazing team and then feel free to throw the other 15 pages away on your way out.

Tips on how to fit all your school books in your backpack

Please note that if you are that person who picks up litter on the way out of the building, or scowls at smokers dropping the cigarette butts on the sidewalks, this is probably not the club for you. There are plenty of trees that want your hugs, but the “Recycling Is A Waste” department is clearly a waste of your time.

With the help of the student body people will be able to open the closed minds of others who are stuck in their ways of making the world a so-called better place. After all, scientists have yet to prove this global warming epidemic.

In “recycling is a waste” you can meet with students who share the same annoyed feelings every time someone insists on doing time consuming efforts like throwing away soda cans in the

Angry Kitty wanted for assault on Grumpy Cat. If you see Angry Kitty, please do not approach and call 1800-555-JOKE (5653) immediately.

Phot by Big Bird green trash bins, or dread when you forget to turn lights and the TV off when leaving a room. After all you don’t need those types of people in your life.

Help the world by changing the common stereotype that has the idea of if your not going green your mean.

Come help us fill the shoes and make a bigger carbon foot print. Come together and change the world, for better, but mostly for worse.

Three headed girl mistakes own head for an apple.

Yum Yum

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April 1, 2014

The entire contents of this April 1, 2014, April Fools edition, are complete and udder fabrications.

This is a work of fiction. Events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

The Front Page (FP) is not liable for any actual likeness to any subject mentioned within these fabrications.

On the off chance that there is a coincidental likeness, immediately go purchase a lottery ticket as your luck is truly amazing and it is better to be rich than sorry.

Any side effects of reading these articles are at the risk of the reader, such as, but not limited to; laughing milk out of the nose, any excessive itching or swelling with redness, and those with a peanut allergy are urged to not eat peanuts. No animals were harmed in the creation of this newspaper. All opinions contained in this edition are not real opinions of the Front Page, nor their writers, we told you they are fabrications.

For more information on any of the articles contained in this edition, please look up FABRICATION

in your nearest dictionary as they are not real and to gain further information you will need to make it up on your own. The Front Page is not liable for the use of your own creativity, however, use of creative thinking is strongly encouraged as is critical thinking, analytical thinking, actually thinking in general is keenly recommend.

The Front Page does not guarantee that you will find any of the articles found in this edition to be humorous in any way. If you fail to laugh at a

single story, it is possible that your funny bone is broken and you need to seek immediate attention from the nearest comedian you can find.

Knock knock jokes have long been associated with beginner laughter and so are a great place to start.

Sincerely, The Head-Ginger-In Charge

Learn to Laugh 101 FP: Knock knock...

You: (this is where you say “who’s there”) FP: Ears!

You: Ears who?

FP: Ears looking at you!

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Canoe.

Canoe who?

Canoe help me with my homework?

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Europe.

Europe who?

No, Europoo!

Advisors

The entire content of The Front Page is Copyrighted by the FRCC Board of Publications. No part of the publication may be reproduced without the written permission of the publisher. The staff of The Front Page is encouraged to subscribe to the principles of the Society of Professional Journalists Code of Ethics.

Inquiries may be referred to the Office of Human Resources, 3645 W. 112th Avenue, Westminster CO 80031-2199, (303-466-8811); The Director of Affirmative Action for the Colorado College System, 9101 E. Lowry Blvd., Denver CO 80230-6011; or to the Office for Civil Rights, U.S. Dept. of Education, 1961 Stout St., Denver CO 80204

303-404-5534 | Frontpage@frontrange.edu

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Harry.

Harry who?

Harry up, it’s cold out here!

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Dwayne.

Dwayne who?

Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!

Amy Rosdil

Lead Staff Reporter

Tino Gomez

Rachel Padro

Managing Editor Kathy Bellis

Copy Editor Robin OConnell

Staff Reporter Cindy Torres Anissa Garner Herb George