Garfield Messenger: Volume 101, April Fools' Issue

THE MESSENGER

A

NEW SENIOR ASSASSIN RULES

WHAT

Cover by Maile Quenzer

STAFF

Asmaa Bah

Amirah Melvin

Ali Merz

S. Avalon Leonard

Chelsea Li

Eli Silver

Finian Guinney

Fiona Real

George Martin

Griffin Crabs

Havana Hakala

Imbie Jones

Jeremy Cogswell

Jordana King

Kennedy Greenfelder

Leo Carlin

Lea Shaw

Lillian Small

Lucy Gaines

Marisa Valenzano

Mia Andreeva

Michelle Tong

Nikhil Choudhury

Olivia Thompson

Sly Gross-Hamburger

Unity Jirkovsky-Gual

Your contributions help make the production and publication of The Messenger possible. If you would like to support The Messenger, please contact us at garfieldmessenger@gmail.com, or scan the QR code to subscribe.

EDITORS

Lakelle Bridges · Editor-in-Chief

Maile Quenzer · Graphics & Layout

Mairead Averill · News, Feature, Opinion

Tess Wahl · News, Feature, Opinion

Ellen Taylor · Arts & Entertainment

Taylor Gale · Arts & Entertainment

Mika Ichikawa · Sports

Eden Huschle · Social Media

Sydney Steinwinder · Business

CAUTION!

The Messenger is celebrating April Fools a little late this year, that just means we had more time to come up with hysterical, off-the-wall humour and entertainment!

Any resemblance to professional entities or real people in these articles is coincidental and not meant to be malicious in any way. We hope that you’ll enjoy our attempts at making you laugh, if not, feel free to send your complaints to

Allow me to set the scene: you’re driving southbound on I-5, toward Southcenter mall or Sea-Tac airport perhaps, your parents are in the front seat. You see a tan building emerging over the horizon, and as you approach, the hypnotizing spiral of the purple sign spelling out Lovers, draws you in. What is this place? you wonder. The answer your parents give is always strange and convoluted.

This is a seemingly universal experience; could it all be one big misunderstanding or is the truth of Lovers something more sinister? Years have passed and I’m still in the dark. My associate and I decided we were fed up with being played by corporate America; we needed answers. We decided to take matters into our own hands and we took our question to the streets, daring to find out once and for all the secrets of the fabled Lovers.

We started with what we knew. We asked

GARFIELD MEMES

By Griffin Crabs

What is Lovers?

By Maile Quenzer and George Martin

some of our most trusted and intellectually-respected peers what they thought was behind the doors of Lovers. Senior Griffin Crabs stated that he believed it was “some kind of knock off Chuck E. Cheese” when we presented him our question. I find this theory full of holes— have you ever seen a child entering or exiting the establishment?

Maybe it was Crab’s coy de meanor that threw me off, but it seemed like he knew more than he was letting on. We continued to ask around.

Senior Mairead Averill claimed she was told by her parents it was a “hot tub store”. Now this was a postulation I could get behind. For one thing, the building is huge— it clearly must contain really large things, and hot tubs weren’t out of the question. The signature swirling “O” on the sign could represent the drain of the tub, so

on and so forth. I thought we were beginning to crack the case until we questioned senior Tallulah Baumgart who was told that Lovers was a “smoothie shop”, but whenever she asked her parents if they could make a pit stop, they would always nervously decline. Despite our efforts at uncovering the true identity of Lovers, things just weren’t adding up. No two stories were the same. That’s when things started getting weird, really weird. It seemed like there was someone, or something, that really didn’t want us to find the answers to our questions. Whatever it was, it felt like they were always going to be one step ahead of us. Wherever we went, there they were- watching, waiting. When my associate found a note mixed in with his mail reading “stay away”, I started really getting

scared. That’s when we decided we’d had enough. We needed to take the final step; we needed to go to Lovers.

The drive felt long and tense. The weather conditions were horrific, it seemed like even the heavens didn’t want us to arrive at our destination. We had to stay on high alert, we both had the same eerie feeling that we were being followed. Suddenly, through the rain, we saw the building appear. We parked and walked in hesitantly. We entered the store and what we saw changed our lives. It was icky and I don’t want to talk about it.

Art by Maile Quenzer

Writing

“GOTTA LET THE DOGS BREATHE”

Iwas innocently using the girls’ bathroom in the middle of third period when something caught my eye. I realize I’m not alone in the bathroom and my eyes drop to the floor to avoid the awkward eye contact forced by the inch wide gaps between the stalls, but what my eyes land on is even more disturbing. The person using the stall next to me had removed their socks and shoes and had their fully bare feet dangling for all to see. I stifle my laughter and disgust and run out as fast as I can.

“HELP CAPTIVE BY TIKTOKER’S”

I just finished my business in the girls’ bathroom. I flush and prepare to open the stall door outwards. As I gently push open the door I realize it isn’t budging, so I try a little harder— still nothing. Bending down to see under the door, I see feet against the stall and hear the Tiktok countdown timer playing. About ten girls decided to congregate in the bathrooms to film their TikTok, trapping me inside. I decide to shove the door harder, yet nothing happens; the girls don’t seem to notice. “Hey I’m in here!” I say, but get no response. With all my strength I bust the door open and cause a couple girls to lose their footing. I take the awkward walk to the sink while getting side eyes from every single one of them.

“I SPOKE OUT INTO THE ABYSS”

Picture it. Another day, just trying to do my business, but I realize too late that there’s no toilet paper left in my stall. A moment of self reflection ensues…what a rookie mistake in a school where the one-ply toilet paper flies off the roll faster than Ms. Porcia runs out of pop tarts? “Does anyone have any toilet paper?” Silence. I bite the bullet, pull up my pants, and head for the sink, attempting to keep whatever shred of dignity I have left. Then a second flush sounds, and to my horror a second girl joins me at the sink. Not a word passes between us as I leave.

“CLOWN DECIDES TO TAKE A PEAK”

The Taco Time I ate last night was a mistake. My stomach was churning all morning, making sitting in class impossible. Then the inevitable happens, I get the urge. I excuse myself from class and run to the closest bathroom ready to unleash the demons in my stomach. As I’m “taking the worst sh*t of my life” some clown decides to take a peak over the stall. We lock eyes for a moment then they disappear, leaving me on the toilet to endure another 15 minutes of pain.

The Investigation Continues

“The toilet paper somehow feels like sandpaper but it’s also see-through at the same time.” -Ms. Sosnowski

“FLASH MOB IN THE BIG STALL”

In the middle of science I realize I have to go, so I walk to the nearest bathroom. It is quiet; I think I am alone. As I’m doing my business, I hear a bunch of people walk into the big stall. I don’t think much of it, and I exit the stall and walk over to the sink to wash my hands. The paper towel dispens er was broken, just my luck. I’m about to walk back to class when I hear a shocking sound erupting from the big stall. I listen in disbe lief as all three people in sync start harmonizing to Billie Eilish with no warning.

“WHOLE EZELL’S 3 PIECE”

For some reason the bathroom line was long today. Every person that walked into the right stall walked out immediately and went back in line to wait their turn. After about ten minutes it is finally my turn and I go to check the mysterious stall. I open the door, see an Ezell’s three piece that was shoved into the depths of the toilet and walk right out. I go back in line to wait, just as others before me had.

“The bathrooms are a complete disaster that require immediate attention from everyone everywhere. Please somebody fix it.” - Mr. Waterman

Who needs air freshener?

Garfield’s bathroom stalls are known for many things, but what might shock many is that smell isn’t at the top of their issues. See, the students at GHS have taken matters of scent into their own hands–or lungs–employing special methods of “air freshening”. Scents like strawberry guava, mint, or even tropical mango linger and effectively mask any other odors that may be floating around. Some say the damaging effects these “air fresheners” can have on students aren’t worth the fruity flavors, but more devout students agree that if you just give it a try, there’s no going back.

Can you find these in Garfield Bathrooms?

On March 9, a Thursday like no other, the Garfield Orchestra and Band were preparing for their performance. The audience was milling about the lobby; Excitement buzzing in the air mere moments before the musicians went on stage. Little did everyone know, someone had nefarious acts on their mind. When the concert ended and everyone returned to the entrance they found that the boys’ bathroom had been disturbingly vandalized. Every single surface of the bathroom was tagged by “Slaz”. While a full investigation has been conducted, the culprit remains at large. Authorities were able to narrow down the time frame of this egregious act to before the concert, specifically between the hours of 4 p.m. to 6:15 p.m., however, no suspects have been identified. This situation still had many unanswered questions….Who is Slaz? ….Why would they do this? ….Will they strike again?

Everyone has had awkward or disturbing interactions in the Garfield bathrooms, but some are true horror stories.

“A wretched hive of scum and villainy.” - Mr.Berquist

“You poor people” - Z

by Lea Shaw, Ali Merz, and Nikhil Choudhury Art by Ali Merz, Lily Collet, and Kailyn Shaw

The Messenger

CANDLES BANNED AT GARFIELD!

After an incident this past October, Garfield plans to ban candles on campus starting April 10th. ”I am terrified of candles after that!” a student said. Students fear these objects and they have caused huge chaos in the school halls.

SAAS PITIES GARFIELD

With new budget cuts challenging the school district, the future of Garfield High School is on shaky ground. Not to worry though, Seattle Academy is swooping in to save the day. According to SAAS, they strive for their students to “contribute boldly to a changing world”. Safe to say, they are definitely living up to that commitment. SAAS is charitably offering $300,000, which is bound to make a huge difference. Part of that money will be allotted towards repairs in the boys’ bathrooms– soon enough they’ll be able to last longer than a week without being shut down. The rest of the funds will be used to hire motivational speakers who can do cool party tricks, an investment that’s sure to be proven valuable during this time of terrible distress. “Seeing them have a hard time made me really emotional, I can’t imagine what it’s like”, a SAAS student says, getting ready to take off on their senior trip to Yukon, Alaska. Thanks to their generous donation, Garfield can confidently survive at least another day. “It’s not a whole lot, but I hope it’ll help. They really looked like they were struggling”, says another SAAS student. Cardinal and Bulldog solidarity!

By Kennedy Greenfelder, Chelsea Li and Imbie Jones

MR. LOVRE REVEALED AS GOSSIP GIRL

THE NEW PNW

In order to prevent any incidents this year Garfield is going to make

70% OF AP BIOLOGY STUDENTS

DROP THE CLASS

After most recent test scores came out a majority of students taking AP Biology make a shocking move and drop out of the class ¾ of the way through the year. “I knew if I had to do one more POGIL I was going to lose it” a Garfield student said.

Reported Time Spent in Biology

activity. The school even splurged this year and got all the students rides to Seward Park, in police cars! “This will be the best Purple and White yet,” a teacher said.

NO MORE SUMMER

The final day of school is pushed back once again! Garfield’s last day is now September 10th. Bummer for the bulldogs they will have to manage double schedules— a whopping 12 classes! No summer break and combined school years students prepare for the long stretch.

Graphics By Kennedy Greenfelder

“I HOPE IT’LL HELP. THEY REALLY LOOKED LIKE THEY WERE STRUGGLING”

GHS

Teacher

Twitter

Graphics from Seattle Schools Directory

By Marisa Valenzano

A&E

Garfield High School Teachers

Ms. Harris

@HamletUncleDaddy

George Clooney’s Catch-22 adaptation makes me quiver with rage. Watching Kenneth Branuagh movies right now to remind myself what is good in the world.

Ms. Savoie

@peanutbuttertortilla

Can’t find the p-value because of the aroma of bath and body works lotion in my classroom. Sending out SOS emails now.

@boardcertifiedchessgod

Hella nice catch, I want you on my ultimate frisbee team!

Mr. Nomura Mr. Bergquist

@javascriptTheHutt

Don’t contact me, I’ll be at StarWars Comic Con for the foreseeable future.

Ms. Chalker

@ethnicstudies_queen

Someone PLEASE add walls to my classroom. Volume complaints again...

Mr. Brown

@tacomaaroma

Has anyone found my shoe lifts in the teacher break room?

Dr. A

@pharmaKing

Attention! 95% of students failed the last test. Great effort though, nice try everyone!!

ASK A SCHOOL BATHROOM NIC FIEND

Dear School Bathroom Nic Fiend,

My boyfriend of 8 months and I just broke up. Even though my friends tell me it will get better, I’m struggling to picture my life without him. I can barely get out of bed each morning and I’ve been hours late to school everyday this week. I have a big essay due this weekend, but every time I sit down to write it, I just end up sobbing all over my computer. How can I get myself through this and will I ever feel love again?

-Lost in Language Arts

Dear Lost in Language Arts,

I only need a hit. Just a couple hits. Please, my pod is empty. Just to get me through this next class. I’m literally shaking. Please! Thanks bro. Huh pfffff. One more? Huh pfffff. Wait please just a couple more, I just have a high tolerance. Huh pffff. Huh pfff. Bless bro.

Dear School Bathroom Nic Fiend,

I particularly enjoyed your advice to Lost in Language Arts, whose boyfriend had just broken up with her. I’m kind of on the opposite end of the spectrum. I have a big crush on a guy in my 4th period math class who’s super cute, but every time I try to talk to him I blush and can barely get any words out. It’s like he hypnotizes me and I just end up making a fool out of myself. We just changed seats, and we now sit at the same table group. Any tips on how to talk to him?

-Crushing in Calculus

Dear

Crushing in Calculus,

Dawg, I know you hooked me up yesterday, but I really need some before this test. Just a few hits. I don’t got money to buy a new pod right now. I owe you big time bro. Check out my ghost. Huh… cough cough. Oh sh*t there’s Mr. Firman.

If anybody is in Mr. Khan’s class, this is for you

Make as many words as possible with the letters in GARFIELD

Rules:

1. For simplicity’s sake, each letter of GARFIELD may only be used once in each word

2. Words must be four or more letters

3. Us (the writers) have edited a list of words that we’ve deemed to be acceptable, such as being used in common english and being in a dictionary like Merriam-Webster

Please go to Mr Kahn’s room (Room 205) for the full list of words

SPELLING BEE

1. What has a neck, but with no head?

3. If 2 is company and 3 is a crowd, what are 4 and 5?

5. What can you hold in your right hand, but never in your left hand?

1. The objective of Sudoku is to fill the entire grid with numbers, with a couple of rules

2. Only the numbers 1-9 are used

3. In each vertical column, horizontal row, and 3x3 block of boxes, each number can only be placed once

4. Use the already placed numbers and the rules to fill in the rest of the grid

2. I am easy to lift but hard to throw. What am I?

4. Pronounced as 1 letter, and written with 3, 2 letters there are, and 2 only in me. I’m double, I’m single, I’m black blue, and gray, I’m read from both ends, and the same either way. What am I?

6. Who makes it, has no need of it. Who buys it, has no use for it. Who uses it can neither see nor feel it. What is it?

7. Paul’s height is six feet, he’s an assistant at a butcher’s shop, and wears size 9 shoes. What does he weigh?

8. They come out at night without being called, and are lost in the day without being stolen. What are they?

By Leo Carlin, Amirah

GARFIELD WORD SEARCH

Word Search but with a twist - You have to think of the words you’re looking for, kind of like a crossword - we kindly provided some hints

Hints:

_______ is the punishment at Garfield that takes place on the weekends.

_______ is the name of our student section

_______ is the main color that Garfield is most associated with

_______ is the other color that Garfield is associated with

_______ is the floor that has the most frequently closed restrooms

_______ is the official Garfield High School mascot

“Any dawgs in the house true dawgs? _______!”

_______ are what typically happens when there is an emergency around or inside

Garfield

_______ is the typical eating and meeting spot for Garfield students

The bathrooms are always _______

Oops...I guess your Candyland-Monopoly-Scrabble-Game of Life-Domino got hit with the uno reverse

White’s turn to move Find this chess puzzle in Mr Nomura’s room (Room 320)

Melvin, Havana Hakala, and Asmaa Bah

A&E

COLORING PAGES: A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A DAWG

By: Caspian Gross-Hamburger and Fiona Real

Spike teaches some inspiring lessons

Spike takes time to eat a nutritious cafeteria hot lunch

Spike hangout in the boys bathroom, with other mascots

Spike is dunking on LeBron James during playoffs

HITTING THE BIG SCREEN The most anticipated upcoming movie sequels.

By Jordana King

Fast and Furious XI

Initially, Fast and Furious X was set to be the last of the series. To fans’ surprise, a follow up movie was announced last week. Dominic Toretto will venture on a quest through time to save his deceased family members, and go to extreme measures to do so. Vin Diesel assures his fans that the eleventh rendition of Fast and Fu-

Macaulay Culkin reprises his role as Kev in McCallister in the latest sequel to Home Alone. But this time, he’s getting married–well, he’s supposed to. Kevin gets held up at his bachelor party and misses his flight to Hawaii for his destination wedding. He tries to get on another flight, but unfor tunately they’re all full. When Kevin goes home, he is shocked to find two familiar faces trying to sneak in. Once again, he must set a series of intricate traps in order to prevent the antics of Harry and Marv.

NO MORE UGLY CLOTHES!

Forecasting hot new fashion trends at Garfield.

By Olivia Thompson

Collars

The perfect accessory for TRUE dawgs. Whether it has spikes or hearts on it, it’s the perfect piece of jewelry for purple and white outfits this spring. Since everyone thinks their pet is the cutest, why not take some of their furry style and wear a matching dapper collar to spice it up.

Face shields

Coquette core is out and Covid core is in! It’s time to dig up old face shields because this clear chic plastic can go with absolutely everything. Being practical is this accessory’s middle name, while also having health benefits and being high fashion. With a little luck, it just might be possible to find an authentic vintage face shield all the way back from the pandemic days.

Capri jeans

Recently rumors and jokes have been spread about capris coming back. But this

isn’t any joke! Denim capris are the new sweatpants! The denim cutoff pants are a spring essential, and they are coming at the perfect time to complete a top tier spring wardrobe. It’s time to hit the gym Bulldogs, because these denim capris are ready to ac centuate your calves!

Pop It shoes

The days of having to worry about forgetting a favorite Pop It at home will never happen again with new Pop It shoes! The calm popping sound while walking down the hallway will surely turn heads. With AP test season coming up these shoes will assure to keep one calm and collected and guarantee 5’s on all tests!

Parachute pants

Parachute pants have made their way around, but never parachute jackets. Until now! That dream of falling down the stairs is over with parachute jackets, just deploy

to blow the competition away.

Leash backpacks

Well, this one isn’t a predic tion but rather a new backpack re quirement. For the 2023-24 school year all backpacks must have leashes attached because Dr. Hart has had enough of this rebellious behavior! Time to get shop ping bulldogs, North Face backpacks are out, and leash backpacks are in!

Art by Sly Gross-Hamburger

Art by Wren McIntosh

SPORTS

THE KING OF GARFIELD LARPING

Trayfe Mcofskey details the Garfield LARPing teams victory this year.

By Lucy Gaines

We hear a lot about our nationally ranked basketball teams, but there are certainly a lot of unsung heroes here in the Garfield athletic department. For example, did you even know that the GHS LARPing team won nationals this year? Yea I didn’t think so. LARPIng (Live Action Role Playing) you may have seen them dressed up in the park on a Sunday and said, “Wtf?” Trayfe Mcofskey is the captain of this team and he has a lot to say about their win and the tough road to get there.

Q: describe your journey to nationals

A: It wasn’t easy, the scoring system for LARP competitions is rigorous: there’s style points, realism for action and costumes, romance points as well as death creativity. We were forced to constantly be creative. I had to change my character many times to keep the judges interested throughout the month-long competition.

For our national competition, we dove deep into the elf lore and performed a captivating battle scene between the elves of Bloblaught and the dragon of Blart.

Q: Oh… tell me more about the team:

A: Theres Dwarfan, Me, Joffrey, Qinnethon, and Litmith.

Q: How does someone join?

A: We make sure all new members earn a place on the sir-LARPsirlots. Once vetted by the first elimination round, you have to prove that you can master all parts of the LARP experience: you must win a joust against a senior member, you must perform a moving battle death, and act out one of the four following mythical creatures: a dragon, a sorcerer, a elf, or a troll.

Q: You’re a sophomore now right? What do you see happening for the future of this team?

A: Well I really just want it to get the

recognition it deserves. We are without dispute the best athletic unit at Garfield, better than basketball, better than football and the record shows we deserve just as much as they do. I would love to see one of the basketball players try to pretend to sword fight in full costume and makeup, they would soon find it’s much harder and more strenuous. Sure we got our own $25,000 check but we want the fame and the fanfare.

Q: Don’t you think that’s a little unrealistic?

A: Why? We are better, we deserve better, I already have multiple Division one schools recruiting me for their LARPing

programs.

Q: Ya, of course, but at the end of the day, you’re running around a park in costume.

A: I denounce your implication that we are unathletic and silly. LARPing is a nobel sport, a very athletic sport, the best to ever exist.

TRACK AND FIELD ADDS NEW EVENT: CHEESE ROLLING

While track and field has long standing traditional events like sprints, hurdles or even pole vaulting, the addition of a new event could make the upcoming season much more challenging and entertaining. What better event to add to track and field than a 100 meter cheese running race? Similar to cheese rolling, players will line up with circular cheese of Double Gloucester weighing seven to nine pounds tied around their ankle. At the sound of the horn, participants will begin running, pulling the cheese down the track. The first to round the track twice with their cheese roll still intact is the winner! Adapting the beloved event from Gloucester England to a al track event at Garfield would cer create a more amusing season.

BASEBALL WEARS INFLATABLE DINOSAUR COSTUMES FOR ANNIVERSARY GAME

For their upcoming Dinosaur Remembrance Day baseball game, the GHS baseball team will be playing a friendly scrimmage game while wearing inflatable dinosaur costumes. The game will take place at the Garfield Lower Field on Friday, April 14 during 3rd period. The benefits of dressing up in inflatable dinosaur costumes are numerous. Not only will windbags in the shape of dinosaurs flailing around on the field add to the entertainment value of the game and make baseball a much more difficult sport to sleep through, but they will also protect the players from the cold of spring with added insulation.

BOYS’ SOCCER CHANGES MASCOT TO HANDSOME SQUIDWARD

Although Garfield has chosen the tough, sprightly bulldog to represent our athletic prowess since the opening of our school, the Boys’ Soccer team was over being one with the masses. In an attempt to differentiate themselves from the herd, they decided that the meme-famous Handsome Squidward was a better representation of their team culture and spirit. The soccer team acknowledges that a uniform redesign in the middle of the season will be costly, but hopes their investment will bring joy to the future soccer players of GHS. They would like to thank Seattle Parks and Rec* for their generous donation towards this team rebrand.

*not a sponsor or affiliation

Graphics from The Seattle Times

Graphics by Unity Jirkovsky-Gual and Michelle Tong

HAS SENIOR ASSASSIN GONE TOO FAR?

Garfield Senior reveals the lengths they will go to win.

By Finian Guinney

On March 27, Garfield’s Senior Assassin began. In this annual competition between seniors, each student is assigned a target to shoot with a Nerf Gun each week. If a participant is shot by their assassin, or fails to get their target by the end of the week, they are eliminated. To many, it’s a friendly contest to celebrate the end of high school, but some believe that people take things a little too far in order to be the last one standing. So to clear things up, I sat down with a Garfield senior (who asked to remain anonymous), and got an inside look at the competition.

Q: What have you done in preparation for Senior Assassin?

A: “I’ve actually been preparing for Senior Assassin for years. From the start of 9th grade, I’ve been gathering information about my classmates–their addresses, schedule, family, passwords, social security numbers, income–all to ensure that I

CONTACT!

win.”

Q: What are the most extreme lengths you have gone to in order to get an elimination?

A: “I once got into a pretty intense car chase with my target. I followed her home from school, but I think she started to suspect something because she started driving in circles. She wouldn’t get out of her car, so out of desperation I stepped on the gas and slammed into the side of her car. As soon as she opened her door, I shot her with my Nerf Gun. I think she might’ve broken her leg, but at least I got my target.”

Q: What are the most extreme lengths you have gone to in order to avoid getting killed?

A: “I made all of my friends and family sign a legal contract to not snitch on me, and not eliminate me if I’m their target. Also, just to be sure, I ghosted all of them when it started. You can’t trust anyone. I even considered changing my legal name, but eventually decided against it.”

Q: If you could add or change a rule to Senior Assassin, what would it be?

A: “I think it has too many rules in general. They should get rid of the grace period before and after events like sports

Our takes on sports that should pack a punch.

By Mia Andreeva and S. Avalon Leonard

Within the greater sports universe, exist two worlds. One ruled by sportsmanship and respect of personal space and another ruled by contact. But what could we unlock if there was a blending of these two wildly different divisions of sports? We argue that what could be found for these four often overlooked sports is an added entertainment aspect for audience and athlete alike. In essence, a whole new world of entertainment is just at our fingertips, literally.

Ultimate Frisbee

A highlight of this coveted non-contact sport is the “spirit of the game,” which stresses sportsmanship, fair play, and even refereeing. People tend to -

ing the sport. Is it a basketball remix?

A soccer and discup? We think thatprove the game and draw audiences in is to make

it more like football by allowing players to tackle the person with the disc. Who knows? With this addition maybe someday America’s favorite pastime will be throwing around the ol’ plastic disc, rather than the old pigskin.

Golf

The game of golf incorporates numerous elements, huge fields, polo shirts, and the often-forgotten caddies. Caddies are normally just there to assist–driving the golf carts, and car rying around clubs. What if we were to give them a more active role? In our new and improved version of the game of golf, every cart a caddy knocks over, subtracts 2 points from the overall score of the player. Additionally, upgrades to the actual golf cart will be not only allowed but encouraged. Think Mad Max: Fury Road meets my grandpa’s favorite pastime.

Darts

Do we really need to explain?

Cross Country

It’s no secret that cross country, from a viewer’s perspective, is a bit boring. It is also no secret that a large component of the cross country way of life is vomiting. We think that the ultimate way to incorporate arguably the most iconic aspect of the sport into the actual numbers is through competitive projectile vomiting. For each person that a runner hits with their blowing of chunks, anywhere between 10 and 30 seconds will be taken off of their final time, depending on how much they spewed on their competitors.

Bonus: Lunch Line

Standing in the lunch line, in our hum ble opinions, needs a total revamping. Gone will be the days of hazily standing behind a line of hangry teenagers. Enter the hunger games, literally. Since eating in the commons is not really a thing that most seasoned Garfield students do, the entire commons would be better suited for allow ing students to live out their young adult

practice, work, and school. People should always be on their toes, never knowing when they could be eliminated.”

Q: People to watch out for/who do you think is going to win?

A: “Me. Next question.”

Q: Best hiding spots?

A: “The best hiding spots are the ones that are as close to your target as possible. For example, the trunk of their car, inside their closet, under their bed, or in their walls. Don’t be afraid to think outside the box! (or inside the box, if you’re literally hiding in a box).”

Q: Should the winner of Senior Assassin receive a prize, and if so, what do you think it should be?

A: “Wait, there isn’t a prize?”

Graphics by Griffin Crabs

fantasy novel dreams and make getting to the front of the lunch line a free for all.. The game of it is, will you be Katniss Everdeen or will you be what’s-her-face?

All in all there is a world of joy found in all areas of athleticism and at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter how much contact is involved as long as you are enjoying yourself. But because the realms of contact versus non-contact sport are so separated from each other, it would be fair to say that both parties are missing out on what the other has to offer. So, Bulldogs, if you’re feeling trapped by the all bark and no mentality of the non-contact sport life, maybe it’s time to take a walk on the wild side.

Graphics by Mia Andreeva

SPORTS

SPORTS NEWS

By Jeremy Cogswell

Sonics return to Seattle

announced:

Fifteen years after the Seattle Supersonics infamous decision to relocate to Oklahoma City, the Sonics are finally return

hinted at dropping their respective sports to play for the Sonics.

Vegas has begun offering odds on the Supersonics becoming 2024 NBA Champions. With all the players that have ex-

have a team, some are already speculating which players we will attempt to sign. Kevin Durant posted a tweet this morning that has led many to believe he intends to return to Seattle.

The NBA superstar was drafted 2nd overall out of Texas by the Supersonics in 2007. Given his less-than-cryptic tweet and an oft-demonstrated willingness to switch teams, itt is not unreasonable to expect to see KD back in the gold and green next year. Durant, however, is not the only superstar athlete to announce their intentions of playing for the Sonics in 2024.

Mariners star outfielder Julio Rodriguez and Seahawks star wide receiver DK Metcalf both

able to live out my dream of playing until I am 50. I saw Jarred Kelenic take a round of batting practice, this confirmed to me that I am more than qualified to re turn to the sport I love, ” Ichiro stated at his in troductory press conference in Osaka, Japan.

Ichiro played nine years for Orix at the start of his ca-

reer, back when the team was called the Orix Blue Wave. Ichiro’s return to his original team has fans going wild.

It is not surprising that a man who was once more recognized in Japan than Japan’s own emperor is generating this kind of buzz. Nintendo announced that they are releasing a game titled “Ichiro” in honor of Ichiro’s return. The game is similar to a game of Wii baseball, except all characters are named Ichiro and they all

edented return has fans across the world talking. One of the greatest players to ever play the game, returning back to his home country. The only thing that remains to be seen is if Ichiro will break Satchel Paige’s record and play until he’s 60.

Sounders sign Messi:

The Argentinian soccer legend, who famously won the World Cup in November has been heavily linked to the Seattle Sounders. Messi officially rejected a continued $10 million euro a week salary from Paris Saint-Germain for the 2024 season. The Sounders will look to link up homegrown Jordan Morris and Messi in a dynamic attacking duo. The disappointing taste left in fans’ mouths last season should be quickly erased, the Sounders figure to have the most prolific offense in MLS history. Anything less than a title would be disappointing. Lumen Field is guaranteed to be sold out for years to come.

Graphics from Wikipedia, Adidas, Branditechture

Match the quote to the Garfield teacher.

1. “If there’s one thing I know ants will take over your life if you let them”

2. “Don’t get married before you’re 25”

3. “Let us, not tomatoes do our work”

4. “I only played GTA 5 once and then I had to go to therapy”

5. “I love coronavirus because it’s the perfect example of natural selection!”

6. “Hashtag normalize women’s bodies”

7. “If you don’t shut up, I’m going to put your phone in a ziploc bag, poop on it and mail it to your grandma, and then make her pay for the postage.”

8. “I’m going to throw you down the stairs and shove a bag of squirrels down your pants”

9. “Casual latin”

Answers:

Mr. Lou - A

Mr. NK - B

Dr. A - C

Mr. Sessink - D

Ms. Savoie - E

Mr. Moir - F

Mr. Gish - G

Mr. Saunders - H

Art by Jada Johnson

THE BACKPAGE ERA

FUN FACT

The Messenger’s reputation has never been better.

BORED DURING SPRING BREAK?

COUNTDOWN:

21 days left until summer!!

83% of students did not make it to their second half :(

NEW SENIOR ASSASSIN RULES

1. You can revive yourself if you make out with your assassin.

2. Underwear on head = immunity for one hour.

3. Angle Lake is a safe zone.

4. Pride Week coming soon! Gay people get immunity.

5. Colleges will give you credit for 5+ kills.

6. The winner gets 2 student of the month stickers, 8 Garfield lanyards, and their dream body.