Pain By Shridhar Sadasivan In English: Niruj ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Friday always meant the whole class was happy. P.T. Period! (Gym Class). From 3 pm to 4 pm, for one full hour our class has full access to the playground. Even Aarumugam, who frequently skipped school, made it a point to come in on Fridays. "Hey! I am in your team." "I won't be the goalie this week. I stood at the goal post last week." "Today, we must somehow get the new ball from Alvin Sir. He gave it to 7D already." Excitement would start building from noon onwards. Before the P.T. period was the Tamil class. Tamil Ma'am Seetha was a real witch. If we missed our homework, she would usually punish us with an imposition. However, on Fridays, she would knowingly make us stand outside the classroom. As soon as the Tamil class ended, everyone in the class would run to the playground, but those who didn’t do their homework had to run behind Seetha Ma’am for a pardon. "Ma'am, Sorry Ma’am. I will submit it tomorrow." She knew why we all were in a hurry but still witch Seetha would delay us on purpose. "What is the big hurry? Is it the P.T. period? You could have done your homework, you know." If you got to the playground late, the teams would have been formed, all the best spots would have been taken and you ended up as a lame duck or lose your chance of playing. The boys would come up with instant excuses. "I lost my notebook Ma’am." "I had a stomach-ache last night Ma’am." “Ma’am, my granny passed away.” "Okay, Go now. But you must submit it tomorrow." Even before Seetha Ma’am finished her sentence, the boys would flee to the ground. The same thing happened that day as well. I was, however, in no hurry. I took my time to move from there. "Hey Kumar, Wait,” Seetha Ma’am stopped me. “What happened to you? You usually do your homework on time. What happened to you today?" "Sorry Ma'am, I forgot my notebook.” The worst excuse ever. "Do you forget to eat? I have been watching you. You are skipping your homework on Fridays. Are you watching too much T.V? Ask your mother to come see me tomorrow." "I will Ma'am." I nodded. "Okay. Now off you go." -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Page 1 of 8
Pain By Shridhar Sadasivan In English: Niruj ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I then walked as slowly as I could to the playground. They had already divided the class into two teams and the football game had started. ‘Thank goodness,’ I thought. As usual, as a punishment for coming in late, Alvin Sir asked me to run three laps around the ground before I could start playing. "Yes sir." I didn’t complain. After my three laps, I went and sat at the foot of a tree, making sure no one could see me. At times, Alvin Sir would spot me sitting idle under the tree and call me to his room. And of course, he spotted me today too! "Hey you! What are you doing there under the tree? Which team are you on? Not playing, are you?" "No, Sir. " "Why not? Why do you think we have a P.T. period? You cannot simply sit through it,” he said, and then blew his whistle to call the captains of both the teams. “Guys, take Kumar on one of your teams,” he said to both the captains. “Oh! He is a Pottai1* sir. I don't want him in my team,” One of them said. “Yes sir! He is such a Ombodhu2*. He can’t play,” said the other one. "Shut up. You are going to get whacked! Take him in your team." Alvin sir pushed me to one of the teams. The captain had no choice but to take me. The teasing started as soon as I went onto the playground. "Hey Kumari3*! Go and play Khokho with the girls. What are you doing here with us?" "Ponduga4*" "Ajakku 5*" Words than burn you to a crisp! I tried to ignore them. I pretended they were teasing someone else and started walking away. "Is this the way men walk?" said one, picking a stone from the ground and throwing it at my hip. It hit right at my ribs. A sharp pain went through me. "Ammaaaaaaaa6*!!!!" I shouted, as I slumped to the ground, while ten of them surrounded me.
1
Pottai is a derogatory term in Tamil, which usually means a female dog. Ombodhu is a derogatory term in Tamil, which usually means “In between”. This is often used to ridicule men who are effeminate, as they show behaviour of both the genders. Comparable Hindi term is Chakka. 3 Kumari is a girl’s name, while Kumar is a boy’s name. 4 Ponduga means a girl. It is often used in a derogatory way to tell a boy that he is not good enough to be with the group of boys and he belongs to the group of girls. 5 Ajakku is a derogatory term in Tamil used to refer Transgenders and Hijras. 6 Amma is Mother in Tamil. 2
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"See, You can’t even stand being hit by one stone.” "And you call yourself a man,” said another, and kicked me with his shoes. I screamed in pain and it fell on deaf ears. "Hey look, Pottai is screaming." The kicking continued. "Watch out! You might kick his balls,” warned one of them. "Pottais don’t have balls, you see,” laughed the other. “Let’s confirm.” Both the boys started pulling my trousers. Two others joined in. "Hey, Leave me alone! Let me go! Please! Ammaaa,” I pleaded with them. Although the two of them were still trying to pull my trousers, I somehow managed to get up, push them off me, and run away as fast as I could. "Run Pottai run! You think you can play football?" shouted one while the rest of them laughed. I was gasping for breath by the time I reached my safe spot. I sat down at the foot of the tree again. My limbs were shaking. My throat was parched and in severe pain, like something was stuck in it. My eyes were brimming with tears. My body was trembling with shame. I felt humiliated. I shouted "Amma! Amma!” and started to sob out loud. The world grew darker and my head was throbbing as if a huge weight had been placed on me. I slumped down on the grass. The sky had started to darken by the time I woke up. I got up in a hurry, took my bag, and started walking fast. By the time I reached home, Dad was waiting at the gate. "Stop right there!” "Appa7*?" "Why are you so late?" "It was the P.T. period, Appa.” "I know that. I am coming from Shekar's house". Shekar's father and my father are friends. “......” “I heard from Shekar. So you can’t even play football?" “Hmmmm,” I cowered against the wall. “Why are you squirming? Answer me. Come here," he dragged me by the hand. "What the hell is your problem? What is wrong with the way I raised you? Why are you embarrassing me like this? What kind of a walk is this? Like a Pottai! " Dad forced my head down, making me bend over, and gave me a huge slap on my back. It felt like I was hit by thunderstorms. "Amma!” I screamed "Appa, Don’t! No! No! Please don’t hit me." I screamed in fear. "Next time I see you walking like this, I will break your legs.” He hit me hard again. “I won’t. I won’t Appa. Please don’t hit me.” I started crying. 7
Appa is Father in Tamil
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"And yes one more time I see you playing with the girl next door, Poonkuzhali, I will show you how hard I can hit,” he twisted my ear and dragged me close to him. "Ahhh! No, No. Don’t, Appa! Please, I won't play with her anymore.” Tears flowing from my eyes, I begged in pain. “ I promise, I wont play with her. Appa, leave me, please leave me.” Mom came running from the kitchen. "Please don’t. Let him go. Poor child." She pulled me from him and hugged me. "You are spoiling him. Go ahead, make him a sissy," Dad yelled at her, and walked out after scowling at me. I was sobbing uncontrollably. Mom then unloaded my bag and wiped my tears "OK, come with me. I will fix you dinner." Piping hot dosas 8*, with coconut chutney. I was hungry, I gobbled them up. "Kumar, my dear. Don’t you have any friends other than Poonkuzhali?” Mom asked me. "No Amma." "Make friends with boys in school then. Don’t play with Poonkuzhali anymore. You are growing older sweetheart. You are a boy and you should act like one." “Ok Amma,” I nodded my head. What was mom saying? How am I supposed to act? What am I doing wrong? I don’t even understand why everyone makes fun of me. How am I supposed to change? Am I not like all the other boys? What is wrong with the way I walk? I have two legs and take one step at a time. How could it be different? Why is everyone calling me a Pottai? None of the boys like me in school. Nobody wants to be friends with me. How am I supposed to find a friend? I was thoroughly confused and frustrated. School is hell. Every single day is a struggle. I get picked on by everyone, for everything. People make fun of me for the way I stand, the way I talk, the way I speak. Just to avoid all this, I go to school early every day. I am the first one to reach school; I go to my seat and won’t move from there, not even for recess. I am so scared to walk in the school corridor. The last thing I want is to be picked on by a bunch of boys. Fear, shame and confusion rule my days in school. There is no way I can tell all this to Dad. I once told Mom that I couldn’t stand the teasing at school. I cried to her. "Oh come on Kumar. Don’t cry like a girl. It is quite common that kids make fun of each other. You are a boy. You should be bold. You should be a sport," said Mom. I never complained to her after that. I stood in front of a mirror and kept looking at myself. I had no idea what to do. Just thinking 8
Dosa is a south Indian delicacy, made with rice and lentils
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about all this gave me a headache. I quietly went to bed and closed my eyes. I just did not want to go to school anymore. If I could make up some excuse for tomorrow, then Sunday is a holiday. I don’t have to worry until Monday. I can be in peace. Dad had gone to work early. I managed to cajole mother, and skip school that day. "A new family has moved in to the next house. Their son Ganesh is joining your school." said Mom. "Really?" "Yes. He is at home today. Go, talk to him. You can may be find a friend in him.” She added. I took bath, had breakfast and rushed to the next house. "Hey Kumar," smiled Poonkuzhali. What is she doing there? "This is Ganesh. Ganesh, this is Kumar, from next door." She introduced us to each other. "Kuzhali, so you didn’t go to school today?” I asked "No I didn’t. Today is my dad’s new store opening," She said. “Oh! I see.” "You know, Ganesh is joining your school. “ She said to me, looking at him. Ganesh smiled at me. He seemed like a good boy. Average height, lighter skin, didn’t look like a bully. "7C", he said. "I am in 7C too!" I was excited. "Cool. Same class then!" Kuzhali was excited too. "Yes." I grinned. "Let us play," Ganesh said. The three of us ran outside to the yard. "Kumar and I are a team." Ganesh walked and stood next to me. I couldn't believe my ears! I was so thrilled. No other boy had wanted me in his team till now. I was flying high. We played for more than an hour. Kuzhali's mom came by and took her for the store opening. Ganesh took me inside his room. He showed me the new toys his Dad got for him. We were chatting, laughing and playing. He told me lot of stories from his previous school. Then, he showed me his bicycle. "It looks nice." I said. "Do you have one?" "No." -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Page 5 of 8
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"You walk to school, then?" "Yes." "Why don't you learn to ride?" "It is too difficult for me." "It is not. “ He said, “Come, I will teach you". He grabbed my hands and made me get on the bicycle. "Hey, no!" I was a bit scared. "Come on. Are you my friend or not?” "I am your friend." I smiled at him. "Then listen to me. Get on the bicycle." I had to get on the bicycle. He held it from the back for support and said, “Start.” I slowly pressed the pedal. The cycle moved two feet. I lost my balance and shouted, “Oh No! I am falling. I am falling.” I fell down, with the bicycle on top of me. "That’s okay. This is how you learn," Ganesh moved the cycle off me. I managed to get up on my own. "Get back on it," he said, pointing the bicycle. "No. That’s enough for today." I was embarrassed by the fall. "Come on. Don’t give up. You will be fine, trust me. Get back on it." He caught hold of me and made me get on the cycle again. This time it was three feet and then I fell again. We tried several times. Again, again and again. Not much of an improvement. "Come tomorrow. I will teach you again," said Ganesh. "Thanks Ganesh." I was very pleased. "Okay, see you tomorrow, " and he wheeled his cycle back to the yard. I stopped him. "Hey Ganesh, listen. The seat next to mine in the classroom is free. You can sit next to me." I was so happy that I found a friend. "Sure! Bye now," Ganesh agreed. I then walked back to home. "Hey. How did it go?" asked Mom. "Ganesh is a nice boy Amma. He is my friend now." I was very proud. "Good for you.” Mom was happy too. I couldn't wait for Monday. I couldn’t wait to go back to school, now that I have a friend. I was so relieved, happy and excited. When the second period started, Ganesh's father brought him to class. While the teacher was talking to his father, I got up from my seat and waved at Ganesh. He waved back and smiled. I pointed him to the empty seat next to me and signalled him to come sit with me. After a brief introduction, he was asked to pick a seat. He came sat next to me. I was overjoyed. The class started. Ganesh didn't have the books. "That’s OK. You can look at my book.” I shared mine with him. As soon as the class finished, the rest of the boys came to us and surrounded Ganesh. "What is your name?" Raghu asked. "Ganesh" -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Page 6 of 8
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"Which school? " "R.V." Ganesh replied. "So you know this Pottai from before, is it?" laughed Raghu. "What ??" Ganesh didn’t have a clue what Raghu was talking about. "Oh, I am talking about this one. Miss Kumar." Raghu pointed at me. “You seem to be his buddy, so you are a Pottai too?” That provoked Ganesh. He got angry. "Whom are you calling a Pottai? " He got up and punched Raghu on his face. “Ahh!! “ - Raghu shouted in pain. He then got right back at Ganesh. He got hold of Ganesh’s arm and twisted it. They both started hitting each other, and rollingon the floor. The rest of the boys surrounded them in a circle and started cheering them. "Go for it”, "Punch him hard", "Don’t let him go" they shouted at them. I was stunned. I froze. I didnt know what to do. By then, teacher was in the class. She stopped the fight and gave a tight slap to each. She warned the whole class to behave. She then made Ganesh and Raghu stand outside the class the whole day. Ganesh was frowning, annoyed. I felt very bad for him. I hated Raghu for what he did to Ganesh. When the classes ended, I came out of the class looking for Ganesh. He was nowhere to be seen. He must have left. I got home, changed and went to Mom and asked her for two candies. "Why do you want two? You will spoil your teeth!" Mom wouldn’t give me two. "Amma, One is for Ganesh, please give me two." I pleaded with her. "Okay, here you go" “Thank you” I hurried to see Ganesh. His bicycle was parked on the yard. "Ganesh! " I called him and waited outside. I got on the bicycle while waiting. He came out in a couple of minutes. "Here is a candy for you." I held one out to him, grinning. "Hey! Get off my cycle" he said in an angry voice. "Why? What happened?" I asked, perplexed. "I don't want to be friends with a Pottai. Now get off it." I was taken aback. I couldn’t believe what Ganesh was saying.
"Ganesh, Please don’t listen to the other boys. They make fun for no reason.” By then my voice broke. I didn’t want to lose him. "Get off, I say! Ombodhu." He pushed me to the ground. As I lost balance, the two candies fell on the ground and rolled away. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Page 7 of 8
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"Amma! " I cried. "Hey, go away and don’t come back here again." He kicked me. "Amma! " I cried out again in pain, tears flowing down my eyes. He stood the bicycle upright again, and walked in to the house. I was lying on the ground. My elbows were grazed and blood was oozing out. I couldn't get up. I couldn't make myself get up; so intense was the pain, the pain in my heart!
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