Relationship Similarities Differences & in a

uilding a relationship with strong foundations does not need to be hard work but it does need to be intentional. Both people need to be willing to put in the effort to understand one another and build trust. John Gottman a psychologist whose work focuses on how to create stability in marriage, talks about developing your ‘love map’ in order to know each other better and create shared meaning in your relationship. The reasoning is that sharing our lives with each other, creates trust and understanding. This is why when it comes to taking that next step of commitment, it is so important to begin talking through your relationship and values beforehand. For some it might be deciding to be monogamous with each other. For others it may be getting engaged, or moving in together, or choosing to have children. Whatever that big step of commitment is, it is a good idea to spend some time to first get to know each other’s similarities and differences, and shared values and beliefs on the matter. Lots of discussion is the key!

1. The strength in your likeness.

Being socially connected is our brain's lifelong passion so we are naturally positioned to connect and find connection. In the beginning of a relationship the new surge of serotonin means you are more focused on your similarities rather than your differences, leading to a strong sense of connection with your partner. This connection releases more oxytocin and fuels that feel good sensation. So it’s likely that you may not have been too focused on your differences when your bonding first began. Afterall, we are naturally guided to finding the similarities in our relationship to create this connection and the positive experience it creates. Hence the saying, ‘birds of the feather flock together’, though this does not mean we are only attracted to people the same as us.

2. The strength in your differences. Another saying we’ve all heard is ‘opposites attract’ or ‘variety is the spice of life’. Being attracted to each other’s differences can be about wanting variety and experiencing something new. It can also be that the other person possesses character traits you admire, but don’t necessarily see in yourself. Or similarly, that they do not behave in ways that yourself and others around you do. Not all difference is negative. A lot of differences can be enjoyed and celebrated and can introduce you to new perspectives and ways of thinking. The main thing is to discuss these qualities and opinions respectfully, and not get into a battle of who is right and who is wrong.

3. Resolving differences respectfully. Differences do cause tension and misunderstanding. All relationships have differences and most of them are resolvable with respect and communication. Differences can be addressed by really listening to each other, finding common ground, and experimenting with ways forward. Often enough there are certain differences which continue to create tension in a relationship. These are also resolvable and require a willingness to understand the other person and listen deeply to their perspective. A relationship with many differences can still be deeply fulfilling and often exciting. Intentional communication, connection, and respect are key to addressing differences and having a successful, committed relationship.

4. Getting comfortable with change.

Another factor that helps us overcome difference is that we are often influenced by the beliefs of others whether we realise it or not. This type of influence often happens over time and is subtle, so we hardly notice the change in ourselves. This change is a part of social influence and is a part of living in a collective group. That’s not say you should not think for yourself or have different views, but more so, that we adopt beliefs, values, and different views as we grow, to create a greater sense of social harmony. It is also an important factor in navigating a long-lasting relationship of shared commitment, meaning, experiences, and enjoyment.

5. Getting the conversation started. You both want to take the next step in this commitment, but how to start the conversation? For most couples just starting the conversation around the similarities and differences in your relationship and goals on your next date will get the ball rolling. If you are finding it hard to start the conversation, there are programs, services and tools that can lead you through conversations about your relationship. Creating Positive Relationships is a short online program that can guide you and your partner through conversations that will help to improve your connection and understanding of one another.

Summary

The more we can find ways to share our values, beliefs, and thoughts with each other, the more our love and commitment to each other can thrive.

Mellita Bate holds degrees in B.A.Soc.Sc. & Master of Counselling & Psychotherapy. She has worked for 25 years with couples to improve relationships. More recently she has focused on supporting people through their separation journey as the Regional Manager for Interrelate, in Greater Sydney. Interrelate is a state-wide not for profit organization that offers education, counselling, and separation support to individuals and families in person and online.