1
Thanks for picking up, clicking on, or submitting to this issue of the Grow n Pains zine. If you haven’t guessed, this issue has got a lot of adult content so either be mindful where you read it or better yet, share the content wide and far with everyone. Grow n Pains is a submission based zine featuring content from rad womxn and non binary creatives. Check out the back cover for details about how to submit your artwork or writing. This issue is especially timely at the moment and the world was not so weird when the topic was picked by a patron over at patreon.com/kindaok a few months ago. There are so many types of intimacy and this issue only touches on a few of them. We implore you to continue to find new expressions of intimacy and to explore your own variations on the topics discussed in this issue. It is the goal of this publication to connect us all on things that help us grow but are emotionally painful. We seek out the truth bringers. The zine is made from the embers of radical honesty in creatives all over the world. We thank every being that has exposed their soul in vulnerability here and ask that you please continue. This raw honesty is healing and resonates deeply with the readers of this zine. You are a being of the universe and we are grateful for your existence as a reader, creator, femon host. Feel all the feelings. Stay weird and wonderful. xx SC
2
WHAT R U LOOKIN’ FOR? PG 3 - BIG TALK SC THEME INTRO PG 7-11, 14 - @ANNIJYN ILLUSTRATION PG 8 - RACHEL BATES “THE BEST PLACE” PG 10 - KINDA OK COMICS PG 12 - LUCY GREEN @BADBROIDERY COMIC PG 15 - SACHA SMITH @MYSTICILLUSTRATIONS PG 16- FLOELLA @SHE_DRAWS_RUDE_THINGS PG 18 - LAIKEN PRATT BIRTH DOULA INTERVIEW PG 26 - SARA RAE @RAEABLE PG 28 - CHLOE BREN “PIECES OF INTIMACY” PG 30 - ANONYMOUS PG 31 - SHANNON LEIGH MACDONALD ARTWORK PG 32 - ELIZABETH MACGREGOR INTIMACY PG 34 - ISSUE 8 DETAILS PG 35 - @ENYALAURENART Any additional illustrations @ITSKINDAOK
3
BIGTALK sarahcrossley@itskindaok may2020
Close quarters. Open vulnerability. Sexual closeness. A true sense of a person. Familiarity. The word “intimate” conjures images of underwire and lace while the feeling of a sore stomach after minutes of unbridled laughter lingers. Intimacy, in my world, is the safe space for weirdness; friends, family and lovers alike. I aim to create those safe spaces of vulnerability and openness, often doing so by wearing my heart on my sleeve and bearing my weird soul to the world, hoping to find the people that connect with my weirdness. It’s not always an easy thing to do, breaking down the walls people have constructed that keep intimate relationships reserved. I start by asking some questions. These are not of my own creation but questions I have collected over a good period of time from various sources. If I have stolen one of your personal intimate friendship questions, I thank you very much for the use 4
of it and would like to extend my gratitude for all the friendships I have built on the back of the question in question. Now, I genuinely recommend that you only ask them to people you truly wish to know, to the people that you would very much like to skip the small talk with. However, if you ever should find yourself in an awkward silence with a person you don’t know (or THINK you know), and we all know it is okay to have silences in conversation and comfortability with that silence is encouraged also, but I do mean when it is truly awkward--I encourage you to have this list handy.
BIGTALKQUESTIONS
1. You are on a space ship that has been in an accident, you are going to run out of oxygen, food, water, etc. at some point but the systems are
all down and you have no idea when your imminent death will be. It could be a day, a month, a year or more. What single song do you choose to be on repeat until your (un)timely demise? Follow up questions usually consist of “is it really just one song”, “what about a whole album”, “what’s your answer?”. It took me three years of asking this question before figuring out my own answer. 1998 by Peace. 2. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, which food would it be? Things to consider; does PIZZA include different toppings each meal? Is SOUP too broad an answer or does it have to be potato and leek soup? Are we eating for pleasure or nutrition? 3. What is your favourite vegetable? Follow up question; What is your favourite fruit? Be wary that some people do not pick favourites and also reserve your judgements. Some people really enjoy carrots, some people love a squash. All vegetables are valid favourites. 4. If your “being” was a sound, what sound would you be? Stipulation; the individual must be able to MAKE the sound with their
body/mouth in some way. When people ask what you mean, it is the CORE OF THEIR BEING, if their existence was to be summed up in a sound. I would recommend sharing your personal sound after they figure theirs out. It can take some time to decide on your sound, so be empathetic if theirs does not occur to them right away. This is a very good question for intimate groups to all get to know the essence of each others being. 5. If you could have any super power which would you choose? I had an 8 year old give me the best answer I have ever heard to this question. They told me they would change their power with the seasons; in the summer, they would be able to breathe under water because it is nice to swim in the summer. In the autumn they would fly so they could see the colours of the trees and because it’s too cold to fly in the winter. In the winter they would become invisible to be good at snowball fights. In the spring, they would be able to talk to animals as they came out of hibernation. They did not hesitate for more than 10 seconds before this answer and I have yet to hear a better one. 5
6. If you could do anything for a living, absolutely anything, and money were no object to your quality of life, what would you choose to do? Be very gentle with your response to this question as it often reveals a part of the (human) bean that they do not often consider or reflect upon. It is worth spending some time on this question, yourself. 7. You inherit a very large sum of money, let’s say 100k for arguments sake. There are absolutely no strings attached. What is the absolute first thing you do?
Now, I’m not saying that these questions are guaranteed to begin an intimate relationship HOWEVER, they can have a seriously positive impact. We spend so much time talking about nothing with people we consider to be our best friends-- but do they really know you if they don’t know what your favourite vegetable is or what sound your being would be? Intimacy is about revealing the parts of ourselves we don’t even quite understand ourselves. The parts we don’t edit. It’s about being your whole self and not feeling judged or ridiculed for being you. It’s about feeling safe, comfortable, supported and deeply loved. Go out into the world and get intimate with your friends, your family, your lovers. Open up the big conversations and you’ll open yourself up, too.
Note: most initial responses are undeniably responsible ie. pay off student debt, give money to xx family or friends, take a vacation SC etc. The point of this question is to find out what the legitimate FIRST THING is; do you tell your partner? Do you book a trip? Do you go and get a tattoo? If the answers continue to be responsible, consider asking what the first IRRESPONSIBLE thing they would do. Like get a custom surfboard made or buy an Italian tailor made suit.
6
7
The Best Place; A Woman’s Body is the First Wonder of the World The bath is the best place to give birth to yourself; learn to map the dream waters of your only body – oozing sweat, saliva, molten despair, blood, tears – among frangible soap-bubbles; unearth landscapes of touch and feeling where foam form reveals function. Amniotic fluid laced with essential oils multiply you into a sea of lilac larval cells suffocating stereotypes of your former self; thoughts bisected in antennae fingertips resonate over a latticework of pruned skin. The secret boils down to this, reduces in mists of privacy; the umbilical is unbound, cord cut to hide the place where hurt finds home. Delivery weighs untold burdens which balance with care while love matures. -Rachel Bates Nottingham, UK
8
9
10
11
There are so many different kinds of intimacy in our every day lives. Sometimes we feel like we go through these alone, so through my art I try and be as honest as possible to bridge that gap. These art works focus on the funny and real sides of exploring your sexuality while also having major anxiety. Anxiety around exploring too much or too little, the pressure on women to love and be comfortable with sex toys, and battling the every day struggles of being an anxious little blob -Lucy Green @badbroidery
12
13
14
@ANNIJYN
slip inside my summer sun,
the white is flowing through us too
and we’ll both know it’s just begun.
did you know this?
though a desert is what you’ll find,
do you have any clue?
we both know you’ll leave nothing behind.
I know it’s hard,
we want the build up, the inevitable touch,
to find the spots, but it doesn’t deserve to be forgot.
glide along the slopes, willingly within your clutch. prove your point, and take the lead, but what I haven’t told you is that it’s my time to feed.
@MysticIllustrations 15
16
17
LAIKEN PRATT IS A RAD BIRTH DOULA LIVING IN VICTORIA, BC
I feel like this might be good timing but it might also change the conversation a little bit, I feel like in the last week I had this little realization. About how my bitterness and cynicism has kinda become this bit that I have. I can tend to project that into certain situations and conversation and I actually feel like it’s the ugliest part about me right now and I really need to scale it back. At a certain point it’s just sad, and actually not funny. I was telling someone about astrology like “Oh my god, gemini men, libra men, aquarius men, all these people are horrible”. But Laiken, just because you’ve been slighted doesn’t mean you can generalize and then tell people who know nothing about the subject that these are truths. It’s just not fair of me at all. 18
Do you think that this part you’re acting out that has become a habit actually reflects your true feelings? I think it’s become routine and I don’t think it’s a true reflection. It’s masking the grief with humour and the grief being that formerly I used to be someone who thought that people were innately good, and I still very much think that’s true and I try to approach things with love and the benefit of the doubt before anything else but I’m scared to truly go back to feeling way. Because maybe I feel like that is where problems come from so I just mask it with this humour and if I have this bit going on then I don’t really need to think about it or try to do better. Which is not that good and again not very fair.
It’s an interesting time to be having this conversation with the world in the state that it’s in. I think a lot of people are feeling a grief for the intimacy that isn’t accessible at a time like this. You can only talk on the phone or over facebook so much, right? I definitely think that concept of intimacy, and I mean what do people define intimacy as? Usually trust, vulnerability, connection. It doesn’t have to be physical, it can be from across the world, it can be about that connection, that ability to be vulnerable. And right now when you can’t give somebody a hug or look them in the eye or do things that might be your personal expression of intimacy, that’s how I show you that I feel intimate with you, you know it’s probably extremely hard for people. Especially those with a physical touch love language. But also maybe it’s bringing to light the reality of people’s relationships. Some things maybe only thrive when you can be in the same room and it’s hard to actually keep up and maintain them for whatever reason when you can only have phone calls, text, facetime, maybe looking through a window longingly from the street. I don’t know. When I say the word intimate
what’s the first thing that comes to your mind specifically? It’s this feeling in my back body of being slightly nervous in a way but also very at home. Which is interesting for me to say because usually thoughts are first and not feelings. But intimacy is feeling. Not so much the analytical mind or you know scrambled thoughts but if I think of intimacy i think of quiet stillness and just feeling comfort. Cause even if it’s say a physically intimate or sexual sense or even if it’s just hugging a friend those experiences are only intimate if they are comfortable if its true and its based in connection cause you can hug anybody you can do anything with anybody but that doesnt mean its intimate. I think that’s something you feel for you. For me, I tell myself Im making up my dictionary. So what do words mean to me? It’s important as I’m trying to figure myself out and how I relate to the world. And I think it’s not so much my boundaries ever changing because I’m finally starting to understand what boundaries are and maybe practice them a little bit. But when you can let your guard down and you don’t have to be holding tension 19
or worried or on guard it’s really nice. Being intimate with someone means you can tell them what you need and want and you don’t have to worry that that’s going to be an issue. How has your training as a doula challenged your ideas of intimacy? Well, being a doula is incredibly intimate. Birth is once in a lifetime in a lot of ways; you might give birth multiple times but you’ll never give birth the same way twice, no pregnancy will be the same, no post partum will be the same. And even if you have the same doula every time it’s gonna be so different as you change and they change. Being a doula, you really get to know someone in an interview and then you do a few prenatals if you get hired, and then all of a sudden you’re there and the client is probably naked and they’re crying and yelling and they’re bringing new life into the world. You get this inside view into their relationship with themselves, their family, their partners, and you know, parenthood and motherhood as an archetype as an ancient thing, it’s so so deep. There’s a lot of things that come up for people in birth, it can be a transformative experience, it can be a rebirth for the person having 20
the child in a good way or bad way, there can be a lot of trauma that’s brought up. On a surface level it’s intimate because youre with someone who’s naked and probably touching them if that’s something they’re open to to help them cope but also their guard is completely down and they have to put their trust into you since they are at their most vulnerable. Probably scared, it’s so intense and they need someone who is saying, I have you. And you have to put your ego away completely. You can’t have any projections, you can’t have any judgement, you need to also put aside your issues and triggers if possible because you can’t carry that energy. You don’t want to heighten it any more than it already is, you wanna be grounded. What made you decide you wanted to become a birth doula? Hm. I think I’ve always felt like somebody who has the ability to take control of a situation and make decisions and do my best. I think vulnerability is strength for sure and its the most vulnerable time. I just really enjoy being needed, honestly. I feel like in a lot of ways I’ve always doula-ed in some sense. Really what a doula is is someone that shows up at the threshold moments and
people have those every day. If you’re someone who can be there and be a support person during those times then you might be a great doula. And I do feel like I have those skills and am able to do that for people. There’s certainly a gap in services and recognition of people who are giving birth. [Considering] birth, you could go way back in history and talk about how it’s changed and how its viewed and the patriarchal influence. These are people who are bringing new life and the only thing that keeps our humanity going. So that’s the most special, the most profound thing, to be able to be there is such an honour. And to be someone who has the skills to be there is amazing.
be touching them, looking someone in the eye, scooping their poo out of a bath that they’re trying to push a baby into, you have to be so aware, so informed, so healing, clear, all of these things. And that’s what I try to get to, to clarity and connection. And that’s what you get to tap into in these moments. How has your idea of platonic intimacy evolved over time?
Oh my goodness this is my favourite question because for a long time in my younger, well i’m still a young adult, but since maybe I’ve been considered an adult or someone who has been engaging in sexual activity I thought that intimacy meant truly sexual intimacy. I don’t think that I honoured my ability and human ability to have an incredible level of intimacy without any sexual interactions or relationships with other people whatever their gender is. And in the last couple of years kinda making bigger life decisions to It’s just kinda this feeling of be more conscious about the peoI could totally see myself doing that. ple I’m interacting with, the most And if you feel like you have a healing incredible people I’ve ever known. energy it’s definitely a good place to That are friends who have become be, in our training the main thing family and kind of stepping away we learn is how to be someone who from romantic and sexual relaholds space. Can you be there and tionships because I wasn’t really hold space? And if you are going to honouring or valuing the weight 21
of those things and what they need to be for me. I’ve realized that the intimacy that I feel with my friends where I can go to them and they can come to me and they see all sides of me, good, bad, ugly, great and there’s full acceptance and we can have fun and it can feel safe. Those connections fulfill me more than definitely, 1000% times more than what my previous concept of intimacy was. And it’s really invaluable and strengthening my relationship with myself and the world. For me, especially learning that physical intimacy could happen between friends… I wasn’t even a hugger before and now I love to hug my friends, to tell them they’re beautiful. Yeah, you can still have all of those things without the pressure of anything more.
notice and the first thing that makes people shut down. If you feel judged, you can’t be honest you can’t be open and you’re never going to feel safe. Being whole being vulnerable, any of those things they cant happen. Sometimes for some people that has a lot of environmental factors, whats going on around them or based on their experiences can’t handle how someone is, but it can really just be a feeling of I know this person understands or will try to understand and will accept me however I come, if im crying which is common for me, or laughing. For me when i can say the horrible things that are in my head, the judgements for me that are the cynicism for me that come up based on those past experiences and past mindsets, and someone can say “Yeah, I get that Yeah like maybe that’s what inand I see you’re working on that so timacy is, the space to be your i’m not going to challenge you, not whole safe and to not have to hide going to test you or say you’re bad in a weird way. When do you find for thinking that”. Well, challenged… yourself feeling like you’re most it’s good to be challenged, so yes vulnerable? that. When you see me crying and laughing and yelling ,that’s when I Definitely when I’m safe. feel intimate with somebody when Which could lead to the question: i’m whole, open, not judged, safe. what is safety, when do you feel safe? And when I know they can come That comes back around to being able to me and feel the same way. And to be authentic and not feel judged when I can hug them. and feel a sense of acceptance. I think judgement is the first thing people 22
ical intimacy and connection to my own body and existence comes to this experience of having scoliosis, which affects 3-5% of adolescents, typically females, so not completely uncommon. It’s usually found in puberty when people tend to have a lot of growth spurts which mine was kinda found earlier than that which makes me think it could have to do with a birth injury. I don’t know how personal you want to get but it could be healing for you to talk about our previous conversation about your scoliosis. That’s extremely timely at the moment because in the last two weeks we’ve been in lockdown, as much as I have just as much school work and employed work as I did before, I find myself rabbit holing down things that I find interesting. I’ve kinda been reconnecting to researching about scoliosis as I’ve been learning more in my physiology and anatomy classes because it’s important for me to understand that and connect to part of my identity and experiences. But also as self care in my physical body. And realizing how much i’ve actually put it out of my head since its not part of my day to day so much anymore. But a realization of my maybe apprehension towards phys-
For me, from a really young age, it led to going to see a lot of doctors, being in a lot of physical pain and not really being able to communicate that, and then having to share this intense feeling within me but also my physical body with multiple people who were strangers. And it led to me wearing a brace til I was about 14 so I spent a lot of my pubescent formative years being poked and prodded a lot, having my body change and having people really see that often. I was very fortunate to have the care that I did and my parents were really on top of what was going on, but... every time I went to the doctor, it was with my dad. So I’m like a however-old pubescent girl going with my father to these appointments often with very clinical men, very clinical patriarchal doctors, also some very amazing ones, but I would be getting x-rays 23
and body casts and moulds done. They would have to observe me while I did certain activities, bending over, they would touch my back, my ribs, it was really hard once I started to develop. I had this fear every time I went to the doctor, which I guess was only three times a year, but they were pretty intense appointments, and again with my dad being there, but worrying what will I have to show today, how naked will I have to get, this is different than last time, what are they going to have to touch. Really hoping and bargaining that things would be the same and they wouldn’t have to be looking too much and it affects the whole body but also the middle area and a lot of what we talked about was my developing. That’s all that matters, is as I’m growing and as my body is changing and how that’s going to change my treatment. So you’re being observed a lot and even when you’re not at the doctor you’re wearing a brace so you wanna feel pretty, you wanna be a girl coming into her own but you don’t wanna feel frumpy and self conscious because you have this brace on. Again, I say this as like the luckiest girl in the world but it was really hard on my self image and my self confidence and my connection to myself to be disconnected from my body, to be viewed in a way that wasn’t true to me because the brace affected 24
how I looked, my confidence and how I came across to people in the world. I think that was really hard, so you’re never viewed properly or it’s at the doctor, very clinical. That was all really challenging and I realize that now something that I have a really hard time with is being observed. I don’t really like when people say oh you changing your outfit or oh your hair is like this today or anything, I find it makes me really agitated in a way that’s different than anything else. It goes further to like when people say “Oh I never noticed your shoulder is like this”, and it really brings me back to this long journey I had in my formative years. I think that it’s left a disconnection between myself, my body, the way I’m perceived and the way I want to be perceived and definitely with my touch. It’s not intimate to be in an x-ray room or the hospital with people, I didn’t have intimacy with myself or the world when I had this big clunky funny brace on for most of my day until I was in highschool. It’s been a realization that it’s impacted so many things for me now and it’s so funny I was actually taking pictures of my back in the mirror cause I dont think
I’ve ever actually seen it. I dont think I’ve ever looked. I’ve had x-rays I’ve had people tell me, i can look in the mirror from the front, but you know I was taking these photos and like “Omg laiken your back is fucked.” It’s really powerful because you’ve been in this position of being really vulnerable and being poked and prodded and really exposed. That you know, as a girl and a young human and not knowing how to exist in a body in the world yet, it’s got a lot of power to it that you are now being that person that wasn’t there for you. Not to say that the care wasn’t good and your family was great and that doesn’t necessarily affect internal trauma from that, but now you get to be that person for other people that helps them through that. Even a midwife or doctor is going to have that clinical feel to them but I think now you get to be that real emotional and intimate support for other people that maybe have the same feelings that you did when you were younger. Is there anything you want to add in to people who are maybe uncertain about their own limits, or uncertain about what intimacy means for them? I think intimacy is a very
personal definition and experience. Humans are capable of a huge spectrum of connection from themselves, to platonic to sexual if they choose, and if they’re lucky all of that will include intimacy. Sometimes it will, sometimes it won’t. It’s very important to recognize what you need and want in those situations to get to a level of intimacy if that’s what you desire and create boundaries for yourself so you can have safe, enjoyable connections with other people. Intimacy can be a really challenging thing for other people. Its a nice thing to be able to have the conversation, and starting a discourse on it is really amazing. But I think it’s something that starts with you. No matter what place you are on your journey to intimacy, you’re always deserving of safe, happy, healthy, enjoyable experiences and that’s never ever ever ever ever something you should compromise. The rest of this interview is available on spotify, apple music, pocket casts, or wherever you listen to podcasts.
25
26
@Raeable 27
PIECES OF INTIMACY Written by Chloe Bren I’ve struggled with mismatched sex drives since I first entered into sexual relationships. Looking back, it’s been an ever-present feature of every relationship I’ve had, casual or otherwise. It’s something I find deeply frustrating, guilt inducing, confusing, and painful. I’ve internalised sex as my currency, used it to measure my worth.
28
I find that in periods where I am busy and happy, my sex drive is pretty low. To the point where the whole subject will not cross my mind for days, potentially weeks on end. If my partner suggests it, it’s highly likely I’d rather do something else. Unfortunately, this leaves my partner feeling lonely, craving intimacy and connection. Whereas, I seem to be able to derive this sense of connectivity from other sources.
take photos of myself naked, I will obsess over things to get my partner’s attention. I will stay awake until 3am waiting for a reply to my “you up?” text.
At other times, where I am more anxious, such as a new relationship, or an inconsistent partner, I find myself thinking about sex all the time. I will drop everything for the opportunity. I will browse websites selling sex toys and lingerie, I will
All of this has been confusing for me, but also baffling for my partners. In all the relationships I’ve had, it’s been the cause of many painful conversations, with no solutions. You can’t make someone want to have sex with you, that’s not how it works. For me,
In the throws of New Relationship Energy this can be pacey and energising. But when you’re stuck in your own head writing notes in your phone about all the possible reasons why no one wants you, it’s downright exhausting.
sex is not the only means of connecting on an intimate level, but its perceived level of importance fluctuates throughout the month. Sometimes if I am experiencing high sex drive, I have to take a step back and work out if I do actually really want to have sex, or am I craving validation? I’ve been on both sides of the coin now: the partner who wants more sex, and the partner who is disinterested. Neither are comfortable spaces to inhabit. Both have made me cry. I don’t know how to fix it (and ‘fix’ is a funny word to use…). Making space for communication, really hearing yourself and others, and noticing when you’ve learnt something you didn’t know before is all I can really offer at this point. Oh, and counselling if you can.
Lockdown Intimacy: Brushing our teeth in the bathroom next to each other Pointing out clouds Walking to our bench Reading everyone stories before bed Being in the same room, doing our own things Overhearing laughter from other parts of the house Kissing on the stairs Being gently woken from naps or with tea in the morning
I suppose if I could leave it anywhere (largely influenced by my insatiable binging of RuPaul’s Drag Race of late) I would say, “if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gunna love somebody else?”.
29
when i feel rejected it resounds in my brain that i am not enough-- a trigger of old habits and thought patterns; the feeling of being unwanted by someone i want so much is haunting and lingers so much longer than the time tears take to dry. bitterness seeps in for mourning my own pleasure- it’s all in the brain and once the mind goes- so does an orgasm. libido is a funny thing and it fluctuates, of course. but what i crave is intimacy. i want to be wanted, not just fingered. i love making and watching you feel good and it’s one sided. resentment is not something i want to feed but i can’t help but wonder how many times you haven’t cum in your life. it makes my chest heavy but it’s so hard to stop performing- to figure out what actually feels good and not put your needs first. i enjoy feeling sexy and putting on nice things but there is a routine “show” i am trying to break. to try and break. to try to communicate what kind of a touch feels good for me. i don’t want the bitterness of all the times you got to orgasm and every hollow moan. when i touch you i touch every part of your being. i watch your expression with conscious attention. with delight in your anticipation. sex is not penetration. intimacy is not intercourse. i feel rushed. i feel unwanted because i feel unseen. we’re just going through the motions. i don’t need to fuck for hours an i can make myself cum in under a minute if my head is in the right place. i want to be held, kissed, explored. when i feel like a chore there is no vibrator strong enough in the world. i’m a record on repeat saying slower, softer, gen30
@ShannonLeighMacD 31
32
33
Hold space for yourself in the early hours of the morning when your restless legs can’t stay still Hold the wholeness of your being With gentle hands You are worthy of all the love that you have to give, yourself You are deserving of all the sweetness in spoonfuls of rose-infused honey You are made of oceans, rivers, trees and mountains and your inner being knows all the pleasure of each past life Intuition is not something to have but something to hold, to discover, to practice The more trust you have in your capable hands, the less trust you must invest in others We’re all just one part of the universe experiencing existence as this being. So when you love another know that you love yourself -sc 34
35
Our next issue the theme will be UNLEARNING Taking submissions until September 2020 Message @itskindaok, visit patreon.com/ kindaok or email okitskindaok@gmail.com
36
