Grow n' Pains issue 6

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GROW n Pains issue 6 Thanks for picking up or clicking on this issue of Grow n’ Pains. It’s been a long one in the works and I’m so grateful to every contributor and reader that continues to create and support this zine (also for my editor, Joey!). Grow n’ Pains is a place to gather some really cool creative content from women and non-binary artists/writers. This issue will leave you feeling stronger, more capable and hopefully inspires you to share it with someone else who needs a bit of a boost.

PG. 4 - Ocean of Uncertainty PG. 6- Alice Paint.Soup PG. 8 - On Being Strong but also Soft, Hannah Wippey PG. 8, 9 , 24 Anni Lyn Illustrations PG. 11 Rachel Knorr, Have Heart PG. 13 - Emma on Oil, Debbie Chessell 2

The next issue will be released spring 2020 and the zine is now a bi-annual publication. The theme of issue #7 is GETTING INTIMATE so all creative content can be created around what that means for you.

I S SU E # 7 CAL L FOR S U B M IS S IONS Please send all art, writing, articles, photography to OKitskindaOK@gmail.com

PG. 14 Once I Had a Seed Amy D’Agorne PG. 16 Rachel Smith Illustration PG. 18 - ‘RedEye’ Sara Bordeleau (Interview) PG. 25 Strong Mama’s Cookbook PG. 26Cal Mckeon and the Fall (Interview) PG. 30 Vikiswonders Comic

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an ocean of uncertainty Sarah Crossley, November 2019

In all honesty, I spend a lot of time not feeling strong. Mentally, emotionally, physically-- I struggle. Sometimes I feel stronger for the struggle, but more often then not it just leaves me feeling weak. It makes me think of surfing and the constant battle of the white wash. Wave after wave, knocking me down and paddling for ages only to realize I haven’t moved.

I watch the people around me glide over and under the waves and then they’re gone, out past where all the waves are breaking, where the water is calm.

I think about strength. I can’t help but also think about vulnerability and softness. There are days where it is an endeavor to do anything at all and days where all I do is struggle with everything. There are mornings I wake up and want to climb a hundred mountains and mornings where the thought of physical exertion makes me nauseous. Some days I can have the most heartfelt interactions with others and with myself, and other days I completely forget how to even speak to other people.

Strength seems to ebb and flow like a tide, to swell up and drain away.

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It feels like this idea of being

strong is eluding me, hiding behind a corner or in the shadow of the room. Maybe it’s hard to write about because I don’t know that I feel it right this moment. I go through cycles of feeling practically invincible and then feeling an overwhelming fragility. Maybe I equate feeling strong with a certainty of self and that’s something I certainly don’t have. Maybe carrying on despite that uncertainty is also strength?

This balance of strength and vulnerability is a duality masculinity and femininity.

Feeling empowered and feeling powerless, a sort of yin and yang. The force of a goddess to make walls and people crumble paired with the tenderness of comfort. Perhaps being strong is more like feeling strong and it’s more than okay for that not to be how you feel all the time.

I think of the other women and non binaries in my life that make me feel stronger.

Friends who yell at cat-callers and anti-abortion protesters, who leave emotionally abusive relationships, who buy one way tickets to their dream destination and who set out on solo adventures. I could sit here and list all the things I admire about all of these humans in my life, but really that’s what I made this zine for. To build that strength amongst creatives from all over the world. To let everyone know that it is okay to be weird, you deserve to be loved, whatever you make is good and whole and true. You have people who support you, right here and now, and you can draw our strength whenever you need.

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@Paint.Soup

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On being STRONG but also being Soft Written by Hannah Whippey

When I first sat down to write something on ‘being strong’ I panicked. I thought I can’t sit and tell people how to be strong or write something about my strength. I twiddled my thumbs, looked at inspirational quotes and endless articles on how to be a stronger person until finally, my housemate asked me what I was doing. I explained that I was writing something along the theme of ‘being strong’ and she pulled her eyebrows together, confused when I told her I didn’t have a single clue as to what I was going to come up with.

She said, “But Hannah you are so strong” and she was right. The past year had been tough. I thought for a couple of moments while she fiddled with bits in the kitchen and finally said: “but Izzy I don’t want to be so strong anymore”. And in this sudden self-reflection, I had made a realisation I had been searching for all summer. A domino effect of not so great things had happened in the past year that had meant my strength 8

built up and built up, and finally made me hard.

It started when a very close friend of mine had passed away in a car accident, then I lost my job, and finally, I stood on a ceramic bowl and cut the bottom of my foot open which stole away my mobility for four- torturous - weeks. I’d called my mother at least once a week ready to give up on my exams and let everything I had worked for up to that point slip away. The tough love kind of person she was, meant that each time I called hysterically sobbing she would simply say “Hannah it’s not always going to be plain sailing. Stay strong and you’ll be fine.” Looking back on it now I think I kept calling her so that I would stop feeling sorry for myself, stop thinking the world had chosen for this to happen to me. While my foot was healing, and I was bedridden, I focused on my exams. revis-

ing day after day for long hours.

I tucked the grieving for a tragic loss dangerously into the back of my head. I told myself there was too much shit to do for me to have time to cry.

The day I finished my exams, I remember this feeling of disappointment. A major anti-climax. Instead of taking a moment to praise myself for getting through all of it I just kept going. My finances were in a state and I had two months’ rent to pay that loan didn’t cover so I went straight into full-time work. Summer came and I felt no enthusiasm for it. I stopped letting myself have fun, stopped going out with friends, would come home from work and go straight into my room. I pretty much stopped talking to everyone around me.

This was because I had managed to

brainwash myself into thinking that struggle meant that you had strength.

I told myself, you’re a stronger person because of all the things you deal with and work through. Which, in some ways, is true but this eventually resulted in a loss of sympathy that I had towards others. When my friends complained about money or life nuisances, I would get agitated with them and disregard their feelings because, in my head, they didn’t match up to mine at the time.

August came and by that time everyone had gone home for the last month or so before Uni started again.

I remember, on one of the hottest days of the year, standing outside work on my break and feeling completely empty. I had cornered myself 9

off from everyone and everything and locked myself in a cage of constant struggle. But what was I struggling through at that point?

I was walking again, I had passed my exams very well considering my circumstances, and I knew that I had earnt enough money to pay rent. This feeling lasted for weeks. I tried everything: days dedicated to self-care, regular exercise, healthy food, spring cleaning. Anything you can find on Pinterest about bettering your life, I did it. Yet, there was no change to the emptiness.

When I went on holiday at the end of the month with my boyfriend and his family, I finally started to feel different. At first, I was restless with irrational worries like being fired from my job because work wasn’t calling me while I was on my holiday. I wasted a fair amount of time feeling anxious until a text came through from my dad after I had told him why I was so uneasy.

The text read something along the lines of just letting the real world go for the time that I was there, to try and find a way not to worry so much. So, I did, I switched my phone off and focused on where and who I was at that moment. I took in the beauty of my situation; how lucky I was to be there. I started to 10

feel a warmth growing inside of me.

My boyfriend and I would be playing around in the swimming pool and I would laugh hard until my belly hurt. I remember getting out of the water, once the laughter had died down, and thinking that it was the first time in a very long time I had laughed like that, let myself laugh like that.

Looking back on it now, the reason things started changing was that I let myself get softer, get sweeter, in the same way that fruit does when it ripens. I spent months making myself a more resilient, stronger, independent person. I was always on the defence, ready for the next bad thing to come along and make sure that when it did, I was ready. When in reality you can’t spend all your life expecting the worse and working out how you’ll struggle through it because you miss out on everything that makes those hardships worth it. I’ve learned a lot about strength this year. I’ve learned that strength is vital- when it is needed. I’ve also learned how important it is to let yourself be soft, let yourself cry, let yourself laugh, and let others help you. When you build a giant wall of stone around you, you don’t let the sun in, and when there is no light there is no warmth. So, let us be strong but let us also be soft.

@RachelZeierArt

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@Debbie.Chessell

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Once I ha d a Seed Amy D’Agor ne The images in Once I had a Seed are a response to my own personal experience, but they could belong to any woman. The images explore the complexities of body autonomy, and the stigmas surrounding abortion.

Sigmas of shame and silence. Complex religious and cultural persecution. The current state of questionable political stances and human rights in relation to laws and cultural perceptions.

Reaching into the subconscious mind and heart, the images are an exploration of the innermost areas of the female psyche.

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Over 180,000 abortions take place every year in the UK, with statistics showing that 1 in every 3 women

in the UK will have an abortion at some point within her lifetime.

However, in 2019 there is still very much a stigma and silence that surrounds the extremely complex and personal decision.

The images seek to dissect the opposing realities that surround women and pregnancy. The clinical environment of doctors instruments, surgeons tables and ‘modesty’ cloths. In contrast to the intricate fears and desires of the woman’s heart and mind, and the magical nature that ties women intrinsically to the creation of life.

After the loss of control over my own body, a period of physical, artistic and mental isolation, the images in Once I Had a Seed are part of a process of reclamation over my own body and mind.

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@ArtbyRachels

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SARA BORDELEAU IS A RAD LONG DISTANCE HIKER AND FOOD GROWER So let’s start with getting to know be strong physically as well, someyou a little. Who are you, what do thing I didn’t know in my early years. you do and what do you love?

I love discovering my physical world.

Being strong emotionally and mentalI’m Sara, I’m from Quebec. Right ly, I’ve always been good at. Mentally, now, I am farming which is someI’ve always been a rock, a little bit. thing I just started doing this year. I The challenge is being strong emothink in reaction to hiking, I would tionally, so being vulnerable. Feeling say. I used to be a city girl then I empowered could be another way to went hiking for a really long time describe it. and I realized I wanted to grow food. That’s where I’m at now.

So you’ve done a lot of long distance hiking, by yourself, what What does being strong mean for started that love affair with walkyou? Many things. Being strong ing in the woods? means.. there’s a physical part of it of course which is something I’m Well, I dunno what started it. I think I just starting to discover. That I could kind of took a leap of faith heading in the woods. It was something new for 18

me. That thrill of doing something you don’t know and you’re not good at. Just kind of like throwing yourself out there, I always kinda liked. A friend introduced me to hiking and I was like “Okay this is awesome, I feel great physically mentally emotionally and I want that every day” and I just kinda jumped into it and decided to do a very long hike.

And when you say a very long hike you mean…

I mean 5 months on the Appalachian trail.

Were you ever unsure about doing the AT before you headed out?

Yeah, you clearly doubt yourself the entire way honestly. And I think it’s only natural to doubt yourself but it’s also, the strength comes from acknowledging that you’re not sure but you still putting a foot in front of the other. Before, I had a little bit of an ego so I tell everyone I’m going to do the Appalachian trail, I’m just going to head out and do it. But while you’re out there and actually in the elements and vulnerable and like holy shit am I going to be ok well you are going to be ok and that’s what long distance gave to me, long distance hiking. That you’re ok, you can do it.

What made you feel strong and what made you feel vulnerable?

That’s the same thing, they kind of go together. There’s the classic little things like it’s been raining for 60 hours and every morning I have to put on wet socks and oh I slipped and oh I have my period. All these small little things that are challenging, this mountain is really hard, like all these little things that can really affect you but you kinda get through those.

You just kinda keep on keeping on.

There’s nothing else, you only have one direction to follow, you can’t go back. You follow this trail and it leads you through all these little difficult things. So of course there’s a feeling 19

of accomplishment and it makes you feel strong, but there’s more to it as well. Being in the elements and like, being out there in nature and feeling tiny but part of it. Carrying on your back what you need to survive and being truly independent, kind of a feeling of freedom. You’re out there in these mountains and you got all you need with you and for some reason you feel this really really strong joy. You realize you’re all you need to be happy. And to go on through your days. So I think being in those elements and up and down those mountains bring you that strength through that process.

A lot of people would be worried about being lonely or not knowing how to deal with situations like bears or days and days of rain, what drives you to push through that?

Those lows and those hardships make the highs so much bigger.

Like a beautiful view or a warm meal at night or meeting someone at a mountain top that you have a great conversation with, things like that become so amazing because of those hardships that it kind of balances out. And for the lonely part, I see why people get scared of 20

it, but I set out to hike it alone but I was never truly alone. I hiked alone every day, that’s super important to me, to be alone while I’m hiking but the community is really developed on the AT. A lot of people set out to hike it and people camp in specific places, so people gather at night. I think I spent maybe 10 nights out of 5 months alone. You end up chatting with people, that are going through the same hardships as you so you relate and bond really quickly. I actually found from the beginning another hiker that I really connected with and we, through like sisterhood we called ourselves trail sisters, and we gave ourselves strength and confidence.

There’s a lot of males and there’s more and more women that hike it but there’s a community. You’re not lonely, there’s all these people going through the same crazy amazing journey so you share that.

What would you say to someone who has never hiked solo before?

I strongly suggest hiking solo. I think the benefits of being out there alone are beautiful and finding yourself in the mountains is really special and so hiking alone allows that. When it comes to the worries of like being out there alone, well

you know there’s still certain hikes that I wouldn’t do alone. There’s a trail in the Canadian Rockies that I want to do and I’m not sure I’d do it alone, the great divide is one of my dreams but I don’t think it’s intelligent to do it alone. But the Appalachian trail, there’s a community there’s people the worst animal you’ll get is a black bear which are just really cute and scared of you, if you have basic camping and outdoorsy knowledge you’ll be fine and you also learn along. There’s other people to help you through that and it’s funny because as a women, people are like “OH you’re going to go out there alone?” So many times, people told me “Are you gonna bring a gun”, like very, very stressful and no I don’t need a gun (first of all I don’t know how to use a gun which wouldn’t be very good) but you don’t need those things. And what I found is I feel safer on the Appalachian trail than in my home city.

So how did you deal with being a woman in the wild?

I did use a menstrual cup for my period and y’know, it would suck.

You know, whatever. You empty it out and it looks like you’ve committed a murder. You rinse it out with that water you’ve been carrying and

that you spent time filtering so you just use a little bit of water, not that clean but whatever, you put it back in and you wipe your hands on the plants and it’s just...water is really precious because you carry it and it’s heavy and you have to filter it.

I’d try to be near a water source so I could have more water and not filter it but yeah. It’s okay. That’s for the period thing anyway.

I found that like, hiking, when I had menstrual cramps it was really tough. I had a big backpack with the strap that goes right over, but with time during that day there would be a moment where the cramps would get better. It wouldn’t hurt as much as when I’m laying in bed going oooooh owwww it hurts and I think physical activity somehow would like help it. It’s a whatever. You gotta deal with it. During one cycle I was near a section where there were a few towns and I said you know what? I’m gonna take a few days off trail, go into a motel room and just have my period and eat chocolate and then I’ll go back to the trail.

Allowing yourself that is important.

Oh! The pee rag! I wanna talk about the pee rag. I feel like as women we use way too much toilet paper and 21

it’s something really annoying to deal with on trail cause you have to pack it out so you have this ziplock bag of used toilet paper… and you know, you don’t wanna carry too much. So a lot of women, not all, but a lot have a pee rag. Just a bandana basically that you wipe yourself with. You hang it on your backpack, the sun makes the pee evaporate and the rain washes it off and it works great! I’m still using that now. I’m really glad I am. So many women find it kinda gross but it becomes normal when you do it that much and why wouldn’t I continue after the trail if it was ok on the trail?

thing and probably better to spend some time alone.

At some point I was able to lose interest in time and understand my body. You get trail legs and your body got used to it, your body hurts til the end, but it got to a point that it’s something normal that every day you wake up and you walk all day. Once you’re there, you stop watching the time and distances and you know that you’ll find your way to a home every night.

The first journal entries were really about those things like “Haha, first That’s next level zero waste. I think night at camp I tried to throw my that it’s such a hard thing for other bear line on a tree branch so I could hang my food and then my rope got people to imagine going with out. stuck in the tree, haha, it took me like half an hour and then I had to I keep referring to the AT as the see this tall guy at the camp to help happiest days of my life, but I went me get it down and I looked like a without all those comforts in those fool, haha” So that was the first few days so it kinda shows that that joy, weeks, which is what you’re expeyou find it in nature, in yourself, in riences, you’re adapting to this way who’s around you, the experiences you go through, and that’s awesome. of life and throwing something up a tree every night was not something To experience that and be aware of I was used to and actually I never that. I value a hot shower way more got good at that. I’m just a terrible than before I went out there. I think thrower, that’s just how it is. Anyliving the way long distance hikers way, all those little things take a lot live helps understand our privilege. of space at the beginning and then It takes a radical life change sometimes to be able to see that you’re ok at some point they become natural and then you make space for like, on 22 you’re own, ok sacrificing some-

for nothingness. Then it’s just pure freedom and where your mind and your soul and your heart goes and you have all this space.

enjoy the presence of my loved ones because I wasn’t supposed to be there I was supposed to be finishing the Appalachian trail. So that was definitely a lesson of resilience, And I know that you broke your truly, and I’ll take whatever the trail wrist in the last week of the trail, gives me. I personate the trail a lot, how did that experience affect you? so it’s a She. She can hear you so if you talk shit about her when you’re So, technically I’m not a thru-hiker on it, you’re a fool cause she’ll hear because I didn’t do the whole trail you and make you go through a few all at once. 100 miles before the end, challenges after that. So she decided the trail is 2990 miles or something that, I mean it’s kinda my way of like that, I fell and broke my wrist. coping with what happened, but And had to hike out, get picked up, she decided that I had to go through go to a hospital and da-da-da. Ended that and I did. I think not being up having to go back home to get that hero that finishes the trail and surgery and it was by the end so by comes back with the badge of like “I the time I had surgery, got a cast, DID IT!”, that was good for me even got off morphine, it was too late in though it was really difficult. the season and I couldn’t go back.

So I had to wait until next season I really love the trail as it’s own and I did, in June next season, what entity. would have taken me a week and a The trail is marked with white half during my through hike took me blazes so little rectangles painted three weeks. I’m glad I took the time on trees so you dont get lost, every to do it. It was out of the question, I morning I would wake up, see one, had to go back. touch it and say “Hi Trail” and do my day. My little morning ritual, the That was kind of, quite a lesson. It first white blaze I’d say hi to it. was right at the end. It was really hard, I really felt I was taken out of How was it when you finally where I had to be and thrown into a finished? hospital and my mom’s guest bedIt was so great to go back to it room and put on these pills and I because I had missed the trail and couldn’t really talk to people, couldn’t 23

challenged me again, like oh in 8 months you kinda loose your trail legs and learning your body has to re-adapt every time, i’m not a strong hiker my entire life I’ma strong hiker when I’m hiking.

I would like to say that I’ve heard a lot of people say oh one day I would love to do it or that it’s a dream of theirs and I think for most of us the hardest part is to commit to the project but once you put a foot into it it’s not that difficult to head out and it’s worth it. If you have that little flame inside of you that says you maybe wanna do this, do it. I can’t see how this would be a regret. And if you decide half way that it’s not something you want to do that’s okay and you can do it. But trying to do that if you have it in you, but trying to do it is very very very recommended.

I did present myself as my real name at the beginning of this interview which is super weird because we’re talking about the trail and I’m not Sara here, I am RedEye.

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CAL MCKEON IS A RAD ARTIST and performer in the uk To start off, can you tell us a little bit about yourself? Who you are and what you do and maybe something silly about yourself?

I’m Callen, I am an artist and I like to work with the body and bodies!

People call me Cal, and my name originally came from the Calvin and Hobbes cartoon! But sadly, no one calls me Calvin.

How do you feel about this idea of “being strong”? What does it mean for you?

Funnily enough, my middle name is Kaha - a name given to me by my mother. Kaha is an Urdu word for ‘that which has been spoken’ but it’s also the Maori word for ‘strong’.

If you ask my mum, she named me Kaha because of this - but a few years ago no one would have assumed I was a strong or confidently spoken person. Strength exists in so 26

many different ways. And I do feel strong, but only in the things that I practice strength in within my own life. Give me someone else’s battles, survival, and daily life and I’m not sure I’d feel strong at all. I guess then, that strength is built, internally and externally! And weightlifting has become one of my favourite things to do - there is nothing like the feeling of beating your own personal best. I think that’s what I think about strength - it’s personal.

Your performance of “The Fall” resonated wildly and captivated a large audience from the beginning of its creation to the final moment, what did you find most difficult about the preparation?

The most difficult thing about preparing for The Fall was that I had no guarantee that anything would work. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to

may find it too intimidating?

Oh Jeez. Yeah, I found it really scary going into the gym - especially to train alone. I never felt comfortable in the female dressing room, for example, and the gym is a really macho environment. And when I say macho I mean the environment harbours a lot of toxic masculinity. I even got wolf whistled once - in the gym. Inside. By the treadmills. FUN. So, on my first day of training alone, I couldn’t do it. I was so intimidated by the space that I went back to the changing room and warmed up by the lockers. People gave me funny looks, but I was feeling like an impostor and I knew I wouldn’t be able to warm up outside. Once Did the physical training affect you I was warm, I didn’t want to waste differently than you anticipated? the energy, so I went out and started walking on a treadmill.

Yes! I felt happy! The endorphins, the focus, the routine - I really felt happy At that point I called my trainer to doing it. I didn’t know how I was ask for some encouragement - they going to take to it, as I’ve never done are trans themselves and completely any training like this in the past, and understood how I felt. Eventually I it was honestly one of the hardest but picked up some dumbbells and after best things I’ve ever had the privilege that - I was fine. After a couple of of doing. weeks I would walk in like I owned the place - I was there so regularly There are so many people that per- that all the staff knew me, though haps feel insecure in a gym-space they were a little wary of the weirdo either because of binary changing who didn’t shave, had boobs, and rooms or general anxiety, did you walked around like a man. But even have any advice for someone who 27 complete the training every day, or whether I could do enough to give me the strength I needed for the performance. Even things like, the university didn’t give me permission to do it until a week before the performance date! I didn’t know if the sculpture would weigh enough, or weigh too much, or fall apart unexpectedly! But most importantly, I couldn’t predict how it was all going to come together on the day and how long I was going to be able to perform the work. It was an endurance piece - so it all rested on the efforts I made in prep, in training. And, with no guarantee of success, that became an interesting cycle to work within.

they got used to me.

My advice would be find things that work for you, like I stopped using the changing rooms and my anxiety got better for example, but it has to be trial and error. Go with friends, or find a personal trainer who makes you feel safe and definitely makes you laugh! Don’t take yourself too seriously, too. Weight lifting is really fun, it just takes some time to get comfortable.

What surprises you most about yourself?

How have you grown in the last year?

That’s not an easy question to answer, but I’m definitely happier - which is the most important thing.

What makes you feel emotionally strong?

Definitely the human beings in my life. That and chocolate.

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How do you deal with moments of vulnerability? That entirely depends. When it comes to my art practice, I use vulnerability as much as I can. I never predict where an idea might go, I try to leave gaps or vulnerable points in the work for as long as possible in order to let it be what it’s gonna be. I also think working outside of your comfort zone is essential. But when it comes to everything else in life, that’s a work in progress. Without vulnerability you aren’t able to find happiness in your relationships. But I’m a person who suffers from depression and anxiety, and I have frequent panic attacks - so that can be tough! I think part of the work that you need to do in order to be vulnerable is to make a safe space for yourself to prep yourself, or prop yourself up, or let yourself be a little bruised! For me that’s spending time alone. And naps. And I

like to re-watch my favourite films over and over - space horrors and sci-fi’s are my favourite.

What are you getting up to post dissertation? Are you working on anything new?

I have moved to Edinburgh where I am pursuing creative jobs and working on a smaller piece for an exhibition in November. I’m taking a long break from any large outputs right now, but things are percolating.

Where can we find more of your sculpture and performance art?

You can check out my website www.callenmckeon.com and my instagram is @callen_mckeon_artist

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special thanks to every contributor Rachel Zeier @RachelZeierArt

Debbie Chessell @Debbie.Chessell

Alice Buckingham Anni Jyn @Paint.Soup @Anni.Jyn Vicki @Vickiswonders

Callen McKeon @Callen_Mckeon_Artist

Rachel Smith @ArtbyRachels

Sara B. @ara.bdlb

Amy D’Agorne @Amydagorne

Hannah Whippey @Han_ely

and extra special thank you to @BelleIsleBotanicals and @CookingCartoons