Grow n' Pains Issue #3

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GROW n’ PAINS: ISSUE #3

Well, hello again and welcome to Issue #3 of Grow n’ Pains. This issue is all about Growing Up (haha, as if any of us ever did that!). There’s lots of cool art, interviews about endometriosis and even a recipe from my mom. The best thing you can for for Grow n Pains is to share it with other humans.

A big thank you to all of the people who contribute to this wonderful collection of creative work. Jazzed you’re all part of this and also stoked on all our readers, so thanks Special thanks to all of the for reading!

KindaOK Patreon supporters that help make this zine possible.. If you would like to support and see more zines, get yourself a copy of this issue at etsy.com/shop/ neatstuffncoolthings Interested in submitting content?

Get in touch with me at srh.crossley@gmail.com

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Submissions call for Issue #4: Make It Happen starts November 2018.

LIST OF WHERE THE COOL STUFF IS GROWING UP IS A BIG ‘OL LIE ...Pg 4 FOREVER FREE...Pg 6 I MUST ALSO SHRINK... Pg 8 SHANNON LEIGH...Pg 9 WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?... Pg11 SARAH RAEBLE.. Pg 12 HOLLY MCKLIVELY... Pg 12 MOONFACE... Pg 16 NIKKI : MOMHOOD... Pg 18 SKUMCLUB... Pg 22 GEMMA FLACK... Pg 24 ITSKINDAOK... Pg 25 KATEHRINE GURR... Pg 27 SONIA LAZO COMIC... Ph 28 ENDO: THE F*CKING WORLD... Pg 30 PLAY FOR LIFE... Pg 36 MILKCAKE RECIPE... Pg 38 GROWING UP HILL... Ph 40 I’M NOT SAYING IT’S CANCER... Pg 44 DRAW YOUR DEMONS.. Pg 46 RECOMMENDATIONS...

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GROWING UP IS A BIG ‘OL LIE Sarah Crossley, 25, UK On the absurdity of adulthood.

The truth is that nobody knows what they’re doing.

No matter how “put together” someone seems or how much it looks like they have mastered “adulthood”, it’s all a farce.

We’re all just making it up as we go. We’re all making mistakes and acting like 6 year olds and it’s not a bad thing.

I have a theory that I call the “Second Birth Theory”. When you’re a baby you are trying to make sense of the world and what you are. When you hit 18-23 years old, you are trying to make sense of the world and who you are. When you’re a toddler, you’re completely overwhelmed by emotions and have no idea how to handle them. This happens again when you “grow up” and the weight of your own existence really hits home.

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The thing is that we’re all just children who got bigger.

Remember looking up to 20-30 year olds and being like, yeah they’ve got it all figured out and then you get there and it’s just,

WHAT IS HAPPENING WHAT IS ANYTHING WHO AM I WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE DOING?

Most of us spent our teens growing up in our bedrooms (also in grocery store parking lots for some reason?).

No matter how put together or adult we attempted to be for other people, we revert to our weird and wonderful selves in the safety of a space we call “ours”.

Whether it’s crying your eyes out, talking to a boyfriend/ girlfriend until 4am, spilling paint on your bed, listening to the same album on repeat for weeks, watching 10 Things I Hate About You for the 100th time, cutting up your t-shirts up, learning to play guitar-- all these monumental moments of just GROWING

happened to happen by spending time by yourself. No wonder you thought you were weird.

So now, at 25+, it’s a matter of honesty. We go into the world trying to seem like “adults” and we come home exhausted from the facade. As if everyone isn’t just as weird as you! It’s humbling when you think of all the people in their bedrooms (even in houses they own) reverting back to their true non-adult versions of them-

selves.

Maybe these theories about the false advertising of adulthood make going to see your doctor a bit more nerve wracking (cause they also don’t know what they’re doing 100% of the time), but imagine how refreshing it would be if everyone was just a bit more honest about the absurdity of adulting.

We’re all simply kids that got bigger. All growing up means is you can have birthday

cake anytime you want.

Never grow up, never surrender, stay weird forever. xx

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This quote was spoken by Mr.Frederick Douglass in 1852. Douglass was an African American slave in the United States who escaped against dire odds and became a champion of the abolitionist movement.

During this dark period of history, slaves were denied any form of education. Thus, in secret Douglass shouldered the task of teaching himself to both read and write, knowing from a young age the extreme importance of words. When Douglass spoke this quote, he was referring to physical, bodily freedom which he fought for on behalf of all enslaved. I do not wish to take this amazing quote out of context or diminish the meaning and significance of it, which was why I wanted to share some of Frederick Douglass’s story.

But for me personally, being born privileged in 1992, when I read this quote, “free” took on a slightly different interpenetration. Reading is incredibly important to me, so when I first read this quote, “forever free” meant [to me] freedom on a spiritual and mental level. Reading is my greatest comfort, escape, solace, and adventure. Being a creative person, the older I get, the more I realize how important of a role a lively imagination plays in making art. Books are the one no-fail source I have at my disposal to spark my imagination, provoke my thoughts and inspire my creativity. My love of books stemmed from a young age, my parents planting roots with bed time story rituals. My sister and I grew up on Harry Potter role play dates with our best friends Sam and Sarah. In high school I favored a good book over a good party most nights. These days, I read art collections for reference pictures, fantasy novels to escape to a new world, biographies to gain insight into other’s lives, fiction to keep abreast with the events in our world, and quirky comics by @itskindaok when I need a smile and some relevance.

-Rachel Knorr, Vancouver

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@ honpaper

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yes she is qualified a little girl, manning the helm of a ship much larger than she.

The seas can be rough, but her gangly legs stand hardened from the weather commanding the vessel, she is no longer ruled be the parts of her that fear the unknown.Through time and trial she transformed.

These days, she’s a fucking lion.

@shannonleighmacd

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What is wrong with me? written by Sam Crossley, AB, CAN

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@RAEABLE

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@Pal.Of.Pestilence

@MOONFACEANDME 15

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IT'S A TEENAGE GAMBLE...

MORE COMICS AT PATREON.COM/ITSKINDAOK

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NIKKI: MOM HOOD

An interview with my mom about becoming my mom and growing into herself over time.

Nikki is 50 years old, still married and has two daughters, Sam and Sarah.

How did you see yourself in your late teens and early twenties?

Invincible, really. Um, I didn’t really have a plan at that point as to what I wanted to do as an actual adult. So, at that point I was trying to just experience as many things as I could at that time.

When did you decide to have kids? I didn’t really decide that. It just seemed like that was the norm and what you did; you got married, you had kids. I actually remember I thought I was pregnant about 2 months before your dad and I got married and we were quite disappointed when we found out I wasn’t, so it just went hand in hand-18

marriage and babies.

How did having kids affect your friendships and relationships with other people? I didn’t really have many friendships before that. There was the odd person from jobs here and there that I would hang out with but after having babies that’s when I ended up having more friends because I became friends with other mothers.

Did you imagine yourself having kids and all that when you were little?

No, I was not one of those girls who sat there and dreamed about the perfect wedding and being a princess on her wedding day-nah, I never did that. To be honest with you, it was your dad that wanted to get married in a church. As far as a family and everything else is concerned, I didn’t put that much thought into it initially.

What’s been the scariest part?

Just the worry and concern

that something could hurt or harm my babies that would not be in my control.

You always want to have that protective wing over your kids and there’s always that thought in the back of your mind that there is going to be instances where you can’t be there for them.

As much knowledge as you want to try and give them to help send them off into the world, that worry and concern is always there.

I don’t know why, because I never (thankfully) experienced a house fire or anything like that but I always would run the scenario through my head as to how to get you guys safely out of the house. I would sit there at night and just run through scenario after scenario of how to make you safe in that situation.

So many moms seem to have that, as well. One thing or tons of things that they over-plan for and almost create their own fear.

What’s been the most rewarding part?

Seeing where you guys are now. Seeing how you guys experience the world in your own ways and how you interact with other people.

Just bringing your own personalities into the world and sharing that with everybody else. Seeing how much further you can go than I, myself, did.

For a lot of mothers, their kids become the most important thing in their lives.

Was that true for you?

Yeah, absolutely. I didn’t really have a direction or a goal when I was in my young 20s, so being a mother definitely brought importance into my life. But it also changed and shaped my self as a person. I was quite shallow and I never really thought beyond myself before I was a mother so it was always what I could get out of life, what I could experience. And then, obviously, when I had you and Sam, it was more of, now what can THEY experience and what can I SHARE, how can I SHOW them.

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What’s been the second most important?

-long pause- I guess now that you guys are grown it’s my chance to kind of see what kind of person I truly am without you. It’s not really going back to my shallow ways, but it’s more of really finding out who I am and what I can do on my own.

How do you see yourself now, in your 50s?

It’s funny because I still feel like I have the mentality of a 20 year old. So it’s kind of like that whole period of having you guys and bringing you up was a part of my life and now I’ve basically reverted back to that mentality with all hindsight. I still feel like I’m invincible but there’s even less fear now because I have more knowledge of what I can and cannot do. It just gives you a bit more bravery in developing yourself as a person.

I like that, it makes getting old a little less scary.

Well, yeah, absolutely. Because when you’re younger 20

there’s so many unknowns and it depends on what type of person you are. Are you the type to jump off the cliff and find out what happens or are you like ahhhhhh, not sure.

And now it’s like okay, that cliffs not so bad. I’ve got this and this in my tool belt so… let’s do it.

Anything you’d like to add?

When you end up with somebody at such a young age you don’t truly find out who you are and you end up relying on the other person to bring out your own personality.

I guess that kind of happened with me. Yeah, over the years you do end up melding into one person. So now, I find that I’m actually at a point in my life where I can find out exactly who I am.

married, you have babies, yada yada yada, and that’s the way your life goes. Now, with your generation and hopefully generations from here on in, it won’t be like that. You will be able to develop who you are and how you fit into the world and how you can contribute to everything before you commit to somebody else.

Hear the rest of my chat with my mum at patreon.com/kindaok

It has to do with the generation, too. Going back, you know, you fall in love, you get 21

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@SKUMCLUB

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@HEYGEMMAFLACK

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@ITSKINDAOK 25

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all the things i keep which do not keep for me the lights i turn off and on the almost inaudible whir of the sleeping machines which blink at me in the dead of the night the safety i’ve been awarded at the breaking of my back or the wringing of my hands my joints that creak a very audible ‘thank you’ (or perhaps an apology) all the things i keep scattered and strewn along this floor of this house that always feels, somehow, to be shrinking this home which took so long to be built to be abandoned ritualistically at the break of each day for the machines which sleep and blink, at no one in particular for the books the ones lining the shelves or the ones hidden further away both pining for the gentle hand of no one in particular and how i wish to give my heart and my hands to any of them the things i keep to remind myself that it could always get much worse the things i keep which keep me in this cage with no lock the door slightly ajar reminding me of their power over me Katherine Gurr, Ontario

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S O N I A

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L A Z O @SONIALAZO 29

Endo: The F*cking World

Three women from different walks of life share their experiences with endometriosis (the condition of edometrial tissue appearing outside the uterus) which affects 10% of women worldwide with an average of 7.5 years from onset of symptoms to diagnosis.

How long has it been since you began experiencing the effects of endo?

Olivia Sidor, 20, Ontario, Canada: Honestly, since I was 12 because that’s when I started on birth control. My doctor just said “you need to go on birth control, you have a hard period”, basically. I didn’t think it was normal, but that’s what I got told. “You’re acting dramatic” is a lot of what I got, nobody believed it was more serious.

Amelia Lupton, 26, UK/Portugal: I started having really really heavy periods at the age of 11. I can remember I was on holiday with my family in Greece and I couldn’t go on the boat trip or to the beach because it was flowing down my legs! A bit later into teenage life I started to feel ill and faint most days of the month with very frequent pain that was crippling at the time of ovulation and

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when on my period.

Sam Crossley, Alberta, Canada: Well, it became really apparent to me after high school when I start experiencing more and more cramping, irregular periods and pain after orgasm. But I had irregular periods from the first time I got my period that only were resolved because I went on birth control.

Did you know what endo was?

Olivia: I didn’t know what it was, but things were painful and I didn’t know why. For me, I know the definition of endometriosis is that it’s just during your period that pain affects you, but for me it’s every single day. It’s just constant pain.

Stage 1 it’s just during your cycle and I’m already at stage 3.

Amelia: Nope no idea. I never heard of it until I was diagnosed at 20.

Sam: A little, I remembered one of my friends doing a speech on it in public school because her mom had it and wasn’t able to get pregnant.

What affects you the most out of your symptoms? (i.e. does it only hurt when you’re on your period, does sex hurt, do you have regular surgeries, etc.)

adore and want to be intimate with.

That sucks. I would say that this disease is never about one symptom though. Each one can affect you more nor less at different times Sam: It’s really just the psychological stress of it. Wondering if it’s coming back, wondering if it’s getting worse. Every pain and cramp makes you worry, I worry about not being able to have another kid if I want to. I worry about needing a hysterectomy one day. I worry that my cramps will be so bad this month that I won’t be able to get out of bed

Olivia: The definition of it is that it’s a benign growth, which means not harmful, but there’s nothing benign about it. It’s super painful regardless of whether it’s once a month. I don’t know how it’s not more recognized. I tried to apply for disability at one point but it doesn’t What was the response when you count, even though I literally can’t first approached a GP/Doctor/ get out of bed to go to work.

Gyno? How long before you were diagnosed?

Yeah (sex is painful), when I was 16 and we started, things were Olivia: It took until I was 17 to be okay for a bit but over time it got referred to a gynecologist who was a lot more painful as the growth supposed to specialize in endo. I got worse. So now, I’m 20 and I kept going to the hospital because don’t really feel interested anymore I was bleeding profusely or was in because my brain pattern associates so much pain I was passing out. sex with pain.

No one was listening. My female friends would take me to the hosAmelia: Right now it’s the not pital, but they’d just tell me to take knowing what the future holds in Midol or something. My gyno still terms of treatment. I just had an op and it has caused more damage so I don’t think having another op is an option but it’s the only pain relief.

So I guess stress and anxiety is what is affecting me most. And not being able to have sex without it being painful and therefore losing all sexual identity and how that affects my relationship with the person I

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said I was too young at 17 for a surgical laparoscopy even when I asked for it. I had tried every birth control on the market at this point. It took a year of arguing until I was about to move to Alberta, and I didn’t want to start with a specialist all over again, so I finally got the surgery.

Amelia: I approached many GPS in my teenage years maybe from when I was about 13/14 and couldn’t move out of bed or go to school. The first few times they said it was just heavy periods blah blah and then I got put on the mini pill to try and ease the pain. Which didn’t really work to be honest and I cycled every single pills until I finally found one that stopped my periods but it took about 10 years and now I’m fucked from the effect of all those hormones too!

Sam: In the beginning when I went to see my family doctor I was basically asked it I wanted kids and told that if I did I should start trying soon otherwise I probably wouldn’t

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be able to have any. As far as being diagnosed you don’t really get a diagnosis for endo unless you have laparoscopic surgery.

It can’t be see on ultrasounds or mris, doesn’t come with cysts or abnormal bloodwork. So they just kind of listen to you, listen to your symptoms and tell you this is what they think you have. We can’t confirm but we’re going to treat it like this anyway.

What were/are you doing for pain management? Did you try lots of things before you found something that worked?

Olivia: Some pain killers do help. I was prescribed a certain strength of Aleve, so a lot of oral painkillers which isn’t good in the long run. And this is a common thing, but I feel really weird about it, I’d ask my boyfriend to lay on top of my stomach. Like, put pressure by putting his head on my stomach and it would make

me feel better. I always thought it was weird, but for some reason it helps a lot.

Amelia: I’m currently taking the progesterone only pill but I really really want to come off it but I don’t even think it’s an option. I find that diet, and less stress really help the most!

Sam: Mostly anti inflammatories, hot water seems to help. Whenever the pain gets unbearable I either take a hot bath or lay down in the shower and let the hot water run over me.

Do you know anyone / have you spoken to anyone who also deals with endo?

Olivia: The only reason I even got diagnosed was because of my boyfriend’s mom. We went on a family hike and she had to sit down saying, “I’m in pain, I need a minute”. I’d never seen someone be vocal about it. She told me she had endometriosis and she described all of her symptoms. I didn’t say anything right away but later I told my boyfriend, I think I need to go see someone I think that’s what I have.

She’s now had a full hysterectomy, now she’s 45 but she got a laparoscopy every year for a long time.

Amelia: I know one person personally who has endo but apart from that I only interact with people on the Internet. I mainly use Facebook groups to communicate my worries

with endo but I do find it really useful. Endometriosis UK has support groups that are really helpful and if I come back to the UK I would love 6o be involved more with the charity. I also have friends who I am nearly sure have endo, but from hearing of my experiences choose not to have a diagnosis which I can respect.

Sam: Not really, more so PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) it seems to be more common or at least more diagnosed How do you manage it with your life and what has been your biggest struggle? (i.e. work, school, relationships) Olivia: My pain was so bad I couldn’t stand, at first, so I missed a lot of work and a lot of highschool. Now, when I do an 8 or 9 hour shift and I come home, I can’t sleep. Some days I’m fine and it’s not a big deal, but other days I get really sad. This is my foreseeable future. I wish I could manage it better. Me trying to sleep, well, there’s some crying and a lot of waking up in the middle of the night.

Amelia: Most recently my biggest struggle with it has been work.

I had a lot of time off last year a struggled to keep a job. I did work part time for a couple if months and this was a great balance for me but unfortunately I couldn’t financially support myself. It is really difficult to get financial help with endo as it

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is not recognised as a disability, even though I think it should be. There are many problems surrounding that issue though which is another topic all together! I am incredibly lucky to have a fabulous partner who has always supported me through it and amazing friends and family so luckily I haven’t suffered too much in that respect. Although as I mentioned earlier it has been a really tough ride on my relationship, and there would be times that I would have to cancel plans with people who don’t know and that can get pretty awkward.

physically being able to do jobs and tasks as I would like and just being in chronic pain and discomfort forever.

Sam: I don’t struggle with it as much anymore, after having my son my symptoms have mostly eased. It can be awkward being in pain after or during sex. Work can be challenging because people don’t understand and it’s a chronic thing so you can miss time over and over.

But honestly the biggest struggle was that I felt pressured to have a child probably before I was ready.

Olivia: I just wish more people would talk about it. I didn’t even know this word existed. It was never taught to me in sex education.

Sam: The idea that it may keep getting worse and that even a hysterectomy may not resolve it entirely. It’s a chronic condition where the treatment options are hit or miss.

What advice would you give to someone who might be starting their struggle with endo?

Amelia: To confide in others, and not take any shit from consultants.

Demand good and compassionate treatment and also explore non western medicine and alternative therapies instead of just waitWhat has been the scariest part for ing years for appointments! AND you?

DON’T EVER LET ANYONE TELL YOU IT’S ALL IN YOUR HEAD Olivia: Realizing how much surgery YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID AND I’m going to need to have. Most IT’S OKAY. people get a laparoscopy either once a year or bi-yearly. It’s been almost Sam: Talk to your doctor and start 2 years since my first one, so I know treatment asap, the longer you I’m going to have to go back soon. It wait the more damage builds up terrifies me. Plus, having to take 3-4 and the more chance that things weeks off work every year and it’s so will get worse. Hormonal birth painful to recover from, too. I wish control changed my life and it’s there was another way. the easiest way to start treating your symptoms.

Amelia: So the scariest part is not

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WALKING The camino WITH ENDO Amelia Lytton is walking 450km to raise money for Endometriosis UK while challenging her body and her mind.

“I’ve decided to attempt to walk the Camino Portugese from Porto to Santiago and back to Porto. It is around 450km, the farthest I have ever walked. Although this is a personal pilgrimage I would also love to raise money for Endometriosis UK. They are a charity that is so deserving, providing information and support for those who suffer with the disease and their close relations. This includes mental health advice and support as well as financial advice which is often overlooked when talking about the disease.”

To find out more, support & follow Amelia’s journey by finding her on JustGiving or @Mia_Bean23

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KEEP PLAYING Written by Sue Bailey, UK

I trained as a primary school teacher and I enjoyed teaching. I liked building bonds with my class and I strived to give them rich, meaningful experiences. Within each class there were always a few mavericks who ‘didn’t fit’, or who 36

chose not to fit. I think I believed that the fault was theirs rather than the system’s.

It wasn’t until we had our first child, which coincided with me beginning a Masters degree, that my eyes were opened to different viewpoints on education. My dissertation was going to be on the importance of play in early years. My research and reading introduced me

to Steiner, Montessori, Summerhill and, most importantly, John Holt and his belief in home education. All the reading led me to see the importance of play, and this was doubly reinforced by the advent of a second and then third son.

if young people rebel and say ‘That’s enough!’ but they are not allowed to leave school and still do not have the freedom to explore the things that really interest them.

The route we chose was home education. Our aim was to

How to bring up these boys? bring up sons who were caring, What are the important things in capable, imaginative, adaptable, life? What kind of grown ups did we playful with a strong sense of self, want to let loose on society? coupled with empathy for those around them. So, from birth until

Initially the beauty and aged fifteen, our sons’ home educaaesthetics of Steiner’s Waldorf edu- tion journey was a time of mainly cational philosophy lured us in that self directed learning with play at the direction. Its seven year stages with heart of their learning. the focus on play in the early years, seemed to match our philosophy.

More and more, however, However, the narrowness of the I have come to realise that play is curriculum, and its lack of spontaimportant throughout life. If the sign neity was so at odds with our tribe of being grown up is that you have of inquisitive, creative happy boys, put away playful things, then I think we felt we couldn’t tether them to that we should never totally grow up. this route. The introduction of the Whether it be creating a treasure national curriculum, SATS, and hunt for a friend, playing a board my own experience as a teacher game, sleeping under the stars, or made me feel that the state system singing some daft songs, our family was not the way either. For many has always played. children (and it appears to be boys more than girls) the state system of The result is three dependteacher directed learning appears to able, resilient, creative sons who turn off children’s innate desire to seemed to have adopted this philoslearn when they reach adolescence. ophy of play, and while I know they Having endured seven years of gov- have reached adulthood, I hope they ernment stipulated learning, it is as never totally ‘grow up’!

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Nikki Chisamore, Brighton, Ontario (AKA MY MOM) 39

GROWING UP HILL Written by Chloe Bren, UK

I really struggled to write something this time around. Largely due to the fact that I feel very immersed in its subject matter at this point in my life. As a recent graduate, I feel like I am simultaneously living both sides of ‘stories from childhood’ and ‘attempted adulthood’. I get bouts of fecklessness, with no concrete idea about what I want to, or should be doing (and everyone always asks you “what’s next?”, to which I currently have no reply). I also get bursts of creative energy, where I plan imaginary existences to death, day dreaming of some far off reality where I have an amazing outdoor job working with young people, living in a house I built myself, with a vegetable patch and an open fire and books everywhere...before all the excitement slowly drains at the thought of how far away the reality of this seems.

Anyway, I moved out of my house the other day, and with nowhere to live officially before I can move into the next place, and three days off work, I decided to hit the road. I packed up all my things from my house, crammed them into every inch of space in my car, slammed the boot shut, and packed up my bike with the aim to pedal to Newcastle from where I live in the Lake District.

Setting off from Ambleside felt simple, freeing and joyous.

I plugged in and listened to The Guilty Feminist podcast, before switching to music to push me up the hill climbs. I laughed, swore at cars who overtook me too closely on blind corners, grinned to myself, and punched the air in triumph as I was spurred on by some van-lifers. At that moment, we were connected by our nomadity.

That night, I realised that, despite three years of outdoor study, I had never spent a night in a tent alone, always sharing with friends or partners. I’d never even owned a tent of my own, and even 40

the one I have is 50% mine and 50% my partner’s. I cooked myself a hearty leak and potato soup (just finished in time before my gas ran out) and settled in for the night. I knew the next day was going to be hard, with around 75km ahead of me, including the infamous Hartside climb. I wasn’t sure I was going to make it.

To my surprise, it turned out Hartside wasn’t that bad. I mean, it was pretty brutal, but at least it was consistently brutal. I have no shame in pushing my bike, so I would ride for a section of switchback, then get off and push, then ride again, then push again.

And it was in this way that I eventually made it to the sign at the top, announcing to me I was at 1903 feet. From this point on, I was convinced I had had one of the hardest days in the saddle, and so was pleased when I was assured that it was “all downhill from here”...

Spoiler alert: It was not.

Day two threw me. I was not prepared mentally for another hard day, having believed that the majority of the ride ahead was going to be easy going, easy kilometres. That’s lack of research for you, people. In reality, it was a perpetual cycle of donning all the clothes I had with me before enduring a baltic descent, where all the hairs on my legs stood up like tiny soldiers in an effort to create a barrier between my skin and the elements, before having to strip off again at the bottom and begin the long slog of uphill bike-pushing to get to the top of the next peak. The worst bit about all this was how demoralising the (normally enjoyable) descents were, as every meter dropped was one you knew you would have to climb again just around the corner. I’ll spare you the tales of my screaming alone into the moors, or sobbing down the phone to my partner something to the effect of “I thought I could do it, but I think I’ve bitten off more than I can chew”, while stood at the base of a 17% incline...

The night before I had stayed in a bunkhouse, favouring a warm bed and the opportunity to dry my sodden tent, over an ‘authentic’ wild-camping experience. (Please note: this by no means be-littles opting for B&Bs or hostels, journey however you wanna 41

journey). There I had met another solo female cyclist, Naomi, who was also cycling the Coast to Coast route. She was older than me, and so I naturally assumed she had a wealth of experience and cycle-touring adventures under her belt. In fact, I learned that this was her first trip, which she had planned meticulously back in May, booking all her hostels and B&Bs, working out where she was going to stop for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and purchasing her train tickets well in advance. She was astounded at how “brave” (in her own words) I was for just deciding to hop on the bike and go. This perception hadn’t really occurred to me. I just had some time off and knew I’d make it up as I went along, but she felt what I was doing was far and beyond her level of expertise. I didn’t understand it.

To proceed down a very tenuous link to the theme for this zine, this solo bike ride, however short in the grand scheme of things, provided a strange allegory for my life at the moment. .Characterised by a rollercoaster of ambition, poor planning, spontaneity, disorganisation, joy, and fear, it all hurtles by so quickly that I barely have time to decide what to do next. During so many parts of this ride, I felt like the biggest child in the world. Stupid for thinking I had enough gas to last me three days, embarrassed when I ran into other cyclists who remarked at how much stuff I was carrying, shy when I mentioned my plans to cycle from Sydney to Melbourne in just three weeks time.

Walking up hills, pushing my heavily ladened bike thinking “what am I DOING??” But to others, my decisions felt like ones they could not make, that they simply could not do, or even envisage themselves doing. And somehow, I made it. It all didn’t really make sense.

In what feels like a second, massive parts of my life have changed forever. My friends have begun to move elsewhere, I’ve got a full time job and have finished the years of study I have so enjoyed, and it feels like a lot of what was just ‘my normal life’ has ended. I feel somewhat in mourning for the life I led as a student, and somedays it feels like all I can do in response is to dream about where my life might end up in the next few years. Sometimes it feels like a wide empty chasm of unknowns, and other times it sparkles expectantly, as though there are opportunities ahead that I just can’t quite see.

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I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I want to do, or where I’m going to end up. I don’t have answers to the endless “what’s next?” questions that more adult-ier adults love to ask.

But I think I might be getting closer to feeling okay about all that, and trying my best to adult, even if a lot of the time I just feels like disguising an inner child.

And if not, I suppose I’ve always got a bike...

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“I’M NOT SAYING IT’S CANCER, BUT...”

Written by Roseanna Morrell, UK

at that point, I stopped listening. I couldn’t even remember what the doctor said after that, so when I called my friend and repeated that line, we both had a big hysterical cry about this small lump in my mouth that I was convinced would be the end of me*.

Dealing with these sorts of worries is a part of being an adult that I didn’t anticipate when I was younger.

I was an anxious child and was hopeful that being an adult would be an easy ride; a time when I could finally be independent and carefree. Unfortunately, adulthood - and the stresses and health issues that come with it - is inevitable.

So, being told that an ailment may develop into cancer is scary, and if you’re anything like me (an anxious adult human who desperately doesn’t want to die), you’ll start Googling your symptoms and diagnosing yourself as already dead.

You can probably tell that I am a very dramatic person when it comes to health issues. In May, 6 months before my 25th birthday, I received a letter informing me that it was time for my first smear test. I went to my appointment and 2 weeks later, received another letter which said I have lowgrade dyskaryosis (borderline or mild

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cell changes) and the HPV infection.

I was instructed to make an appointment for a colposcopy (an examination which looks at the cervix more closely for abnormal cells).

When I read that, I immediately started imagining how my death would impact loved ones, and I turned to Google for advice. We all know that Googling an infection/symptom/ailment isn’t always helpful, and most articles I found regarding HPV touched upon the possibility of it turning into cervical cancer. They also emphasised that it’s unlikely in most cases but, naturally, the anxious part of me focused on ‘but it could turn into cancer’.

I’m due to have a colposcopy within the next few weeks and I am undeniably anxious about it, but the reality is that cell changes that show up

“The important thing to remember is that a smear test showing abnormal cell changes does not mean you have cancer.”

on smear results do not mean that you have cancer, and the cells often go back to normal by themselves. 1 in 20 people who have a smear test will have abnormal changes in the cells of the cervix.

HPV is a very common virus and in most cases, your body will get rid of it without you ever knowing you had it. The important thing to remember is that a smear test showing abnormal cell changes does not mean you have cancer.

Smear tests will be a scary but inevitable occurrence for most people who have a cervix. I’m so glad that I decided to make an appointment as soon as I received the invitation; as avoiding it may have only made things worse. If you have been putting off a smear test

because you are worried about the process or results, and want to talk to a real person who is going through it in some way, send me a message. I’m no expert, but I believe the support of other people is what makes these situations that little bit easier to handle. *By the way, the lump was not cancer - it disappeared and I have lived to tell the tale.

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send artwork to srh.crossley@gmail.com to be added to the online zine at issuu.com/grownpains

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