Grow n' Pains Issue 4

Thanks a whole bunch for choosing to read this rad lil zine filled with awesome women doing and making neat stuff. It’s really cool that you’re here and I’m jazzed on all the amazing humans that submitted to Issue #4.

The theme is “make it happen” because I’m one heck of a procrastinator and sometimes our anxieties get the best of us, meaning that we don’t always go for the things and opportunities we want and end up missing out. We’re all so scared of mucking it up that sometimes we don’t try.

This issue includes 5 interview with women from all over who have built, sewn, painted, raised and captured the things in their lives they hold most dear. They’re a rad group who have made some cool stuff happen and are still figuring it out as they go! Find extended interviews on Patreon.com/KindaOK and other femon art, process videos & comics.

Also in this issue, you’ll find a comic by @JamieSquire , @HarrytheGirl and one of my new favourite illustrators @Paint.Soup !

Don’t forget to flip through to find the theme and details for submitting to issue 5 (holy frick it’s been a whole year?!?) of Grow n’ Pains.

Thanks for reading xx Sarah @ItsKindaOK

FIND THE STUFF Articles The Productivity of Doing Northing / ItsKindaOK ... Pg 4 Chocolate Hummus & 5 Minutes / Nikki Lawren, Pg 10 The Least Interesting Thing About You / Petra Welch ... Pg 12 Sofa Bed / Amy D’Ajorne ... Pg 46 Pre-Work People / Chloe Bren ... Pg 48 Interviews

Kate Wilson ... Pg 18 Liz Cooke ... Pg 22 Sadie Craigie ... Pg 26 Lucia Para ... Pg 30 Fiona Smith... Pg 34 Artwork Fast Fashion / Jamie Squire ... Pg 6 Something, Anything, Come on! / Dott Cross ...Pg 8 Find It / SackofPotatis ... Pg 9 Take a Deep Breath / Paint Soup ... Pg 14 Roller Darby / Harry the Girl ...Pg 38 Instructions for Making it Hapen / Holly McKlively ...Pg 39 Caitlin McKeon Artist ...Pg 40 Dreams / SackofPotatis ...Pg 42 Debbie Chessell ... Pg 44 Shuturp & Other Neat Stuff ...Pg 50

A radio silence buzzing, the light shining through a half-open window, a flat back against the 80’s carpet floor and two eyes watching a ceiling fan revolution. When was the last time you spent some time doing nothing? It feels like a long time ago, for me. What even is nothing? I suppose it’s just being alone with your thoughts for a period of time. I listen to a lot of artists say that they sit in front of a blank page for hours on end just seeing what comes out. I think that must take a lot of patience.

My brain jumps from one thing to another a lot and sometimes it’s hard to slow it down even to just focus on one piece of art at a time.

I remember reading somewhere

that meditation is just getting the internal voice in your head to shut up. A quiet self, haha! It’s not often I feel quiet inside or out.

But like any art, craft or technique, nothing also takes practice. In order for creativity to have room to flow, there has to be moments of boredom. Nothing doesn’t necessarily mean nothing, although it’d be neat to see what comes out of a day of doing actually nothing. It can be walking in the woods. It can be cycling to the shops instead of driving. It could even be driving. It could be washing dishes or cutting grass or sitting in a cafe. It’s anything where your headspace is open and allowing new ideas to flow. How often do we give ourselves that space and slowness? Probably not often

enough. Our idea of doing nothing is now a synonym for watching Netflix.

I’ve become this type of person who always has to be a bit busy. I find myself feeling like I’m not doing enough or spending my time wisely. I beat myself up about it sometimes, especially seeing so many incredible humans around me doing amazing things all the time. I’m learning to apply my walking pace to other aspects of my life. I walk really slowly a lot of the time. I like taking in the things around me and I don’t like being rushed, it stresses me right the heck out. My happiest moments in this life have been ones where I didn’t need to be anywhere else doing anything else-- I guess moments where I’ve allowed myself to just actually be. Some of these moments are also (coincidentally?) when I get some of my best ideas.

I’m learning this is part of the process. Alongside making a lot of shit. Not everything I make is good, including choices.

As busybody humans and as society I think we all tend to overlook the productivity of doing nothing. There’s no space for new ideas and creativity if we’re keep-

ing ourselves occupied all the time. It’s essential that we become bored. My mom always used to start listing off chores when we’d tell her we were bored. Rather than do housework, I’d hide myself in my room making up stories and playing pretend games. Creativity is born from boredom. We might not have 6 hours a day to stare at a blank page but imagine where your mind would wander and what weird / amazing things would come out if you did? Don’t give me this nonsense of “I’m not a creative person” because we’re all just big kids and I guarantee if I gave you some paints and paper you’d make something. It might not be amazing but it’d be something and you’d dig doing it. We get so caught up in the idea of being “good” that sometimes we don’t even try. Making it happen, as a whole, is just about trying (and a lot of mistakes)!

@ItsKindaOK

5 Minutes

by Nikki Chisamore, 50, Ontario, Canada

I talk to myself a lot. I am that person who reiterates past conversations. I have conversation battles with myself that would rival Daenerys and the Lannisters. Because of this, I can talk myself out of doing something without blinking an eye. So when it comes to getting things done, tasks that I’m not comfortable with, I have gotten very good at one thing. Procrastination.

It’s been said that to help overcome procrastination, commit yourself not to the entire task at hand but to just 5 minutes. The theory behind this is that you’ll trick your brain into thinking it only has to accomplish a small postion of the task instead of its entirety. So, mentally you think, “Ok, I can do 5 minutes.” Ultimately, after 5 minutes, you won’t want to stop once you’re involved. And yes, it does work. And then there’s me.

I start nattering to myself, “Well, you know how this is gonna go.”

“Naw, come on, don’t say it.”

“You know if you start for 5 minutes you’ll end up doing more.”

“Well, yeah, isn’t that the point?”

“Yeah but did you forget why you didn’t want to start this?”

“Oh, I’m sure you’re gonna tell me.”

“Well lemme remind you.”

And before you know it, I’ve talked myself out of doing just 5 minutes.

I sometimes hear that guy from Office Space saying, “Yeah, if you could stop talking yourself out of doing just 5 minutes, that’d be great. Thanks.”

“Yeah, yeah. I know”, I say. I roll my eyes at myself.

I’m working on an illustrated cookbook. Two things I really enjoy doing - cooking & drawing. However, the book is at a stand still. “Well, how am I gonna lay this out?, What’s the point in drawing anything out yet if I don’t know how I’m going to lay it out?

Will recipe #1 look as good as recipe #10 or am I gonna have to redraw everything as I go? That sounds like a lot of work. Will anybody care? Will things look consistent? Do I have enough recipes for a book? STAHHHP! I yell at myself.

I talk to mija. I explain my roadblocks. She listens. She’s an artist.

She understands. The nattering in my head quiets. “Just start sketching out some food. Don’t worry about the layout. Just start doodling and you’ll get into the flow”, she says.

Just start with 5 minutes.

The Least Interesting Thing About You “You have such pretty eyes. Your skin is so smooth. You have a beautiful body. You’re absolutely gorgeous” These are all flattering compliments, don’t get me wrong. But while your appearance may be eye-catching, the way you look is without a doubt the least interesting thing about you.

My sister once told me that she has no control over what she looks like, she didn’t work hard on what she was born with, so she would much rather have someone acknowledge the things that she puts effort into or that constitute her unique self.

“I love your weird sense of humour” “I love how kind you are” “I am fascinated by the way you see the world” “Your passion inspires me” “I love your attention to detail” “Iwant to learn to appreciate the little things the way you do”

“Your creativity blows my mind” “The way you stand up for what you believe in is so courageous” “You make the best grilled cheeses in the universe” “Your spontaneous sense of adventure changed my life” “Your calm understanding allows me to be myself and feel at home” “Your fierce loyalty to the ones your love is influential” “Your optimism is uplifting” “Your curiosity for the deeper things in Life is so stimulating” “Your energy is irresistible” “Your excitement when you see puppies brightens my day” “I still think about those words you said” “Searching for constellations in the stars with you is the best part of my day” “The spark inside of you that lights up your entire being when youdo/talk about what/ who you love could set the whole world on fire” “You are the most riveting creature I have ever met”.

My personal favourite is a quote from “Clockwork Prince” by the enchanting Cassandra Clare (one of my most loved authors of all time): “And he is really alive, one of the most alive people I have ever met. When he feels something, it is as bright and sharp as lightning.”

We all have a one of a kind combination of quirks that makes us who we are and that is what needs to be celebrated. We must nourish our eccentricities so that our truest selves can bloom and add their colours to this giant puzzle of life.

We don’t need another person to feed us compliments or shower us with attention, we need to compliment ourselves and pay attention to ourselves. We know ourselves like no other, from the deepest darkest fears to the brightest

glimmering dreams, which means that we can love ourselves in a way that no one else can.

Always be proud of your quirks, and always ask yourself if you are prioritizing what is truly important to you. There is no limit to how captivating you can be.

- Petra Victoria Welch @petravictoriaart

THESE ARE THE STORIES OF 5 INCREDIBLE WOMEN DOING WHAT THEY LOVE AND CREATING HAPPINESS IN THEIR OWN WAYS. THEY ARE SOME OF THE MOST INTERESTING PEOPLE AND CRAFTSWOMEN I HAVE COME ACROSS. I AM GRATEFUL TO KNOW THEM AND TO SHARE THEM WITH YOU HERE.

YOU ARE EVERYTHING. YOU DO NOT ALWAYS VALUE YOURSELF AS YOU SHOULD AND YOU MAY NOT ALWAYS FEEL VALUED BUT WE SEE YOU. YOU ARE WONDERFUL. YOU ARE WORTHY. YOU ARE ENOUGH. YOU ARE KICKING BUTT AT LIFE AND WE ARE ALL STOKED ON YOU. SUPPORT YOUR WOMEN.

KATE WILSON / BAKER & PHOTOGRAPHER BC, CANADA Can you tell us what you make, where you’re from, and maybe a weird fact about yourself?

Okay, my name is Kate Wilson and I live in Ucluelet, British Columbia on Vancouver Island. I make, I guess I make a lot of different things when I think about it. Professionally, I bake so I make a lot of baked goods. But I also make a lot of art. Mainly I’m a photographer and I shoot 35mm film and document my west coast lifestyle. I love to paint and I also create a comic called Salt Wax Comics and it’s all about the stoke struggles and lifestyle of women who surf on the west coast.

When did you start creating things full time (whether that’s baking or photography)?

Baking has been an interesting road for me because I’ve always been a homebaker since I was really young and growing up, I considered it as a career but for me I didn’t think it was a “successful” career so I studied Environmental Technology and Sciences. I thought being a scientist was a successful career path and I worked in that industry for a long time and never really found jobs that I was passionate about. It became increasingly important to me that I live where I want to live for

my lifestyle and not live somewhere for a job. I changed my definition of success from having to be a scientist to, actually I think being happy is successful.

So I decided to change to something that made me happy, which is baking. Now I’m in my second year of my apprenticeship, working towards a red seal designation because I want to be a pastry chef and open my own shop.

I’ve always been quite interested in photography and I picked up a film camera 5 or 6 years ago now and just started shooting with it. I love the process, I love that you only have 24/36 exposures, and then half the time I forget what I’ve taken photos of and go off and develop them like “oh yeah! These moments, I love them”. Because you have so few shots on a roll, I only take photos of kind of special moments. My land camera that I use the majority of the time is Pentax K1000, fully manual, really basic, it’s like the student camera.

But then, I surf and I wanted to take my camera in the water. I describe my style

of photography as very observatory or documentary, I take photos of things I do like camping trips, hikes, beach walks, so I naturally wanted to take that into the water with me surfing. Then I found the Nikonos which is a 35mm film camera, I got my hands on one of those and started taking it into the water with me.

Just this last year I had my very first photography show which was really cool. Like 5 years ago I lived in Victoria and I’d always go to this cafe that I loved and they always had really great artwork and it was such a great space for photos and I was like, “oh, I wish I could have a show here but my photography is, I dunno, yknow?” back then I didn’t really think it was good. The more I shoot the more I like my style and the more I was like, “I wanna have a show, I’m gonna do it”. That was a big goal of mine. My show ended up being an ode to 2018 summer and all

the things I did. I liked the collection I ended up putting together because it’s really colourful, the majority of the photos were shot on Kodak Portra 400 film which is a really vibrant colour film. I hung it up in the space for September / October which is when, you know, when we get into fall and things get darker, it’s really rainy out here.

I thought it was great to bring those colours inside as a reminder of summer as we go into winter.

What helps you with your headspace? What do you do when you’re feeling down or don’t have any motivation?

I get that a lot with photography. I find I go through phases when I don’t know what to shoot or creatively in other aspects like my comic, or I like to paint and draw. I get days where I’m like “ugh, all I’ve done is sit and watch Netflix” now it’s winter it’s kind of easy to sink into those hibernation times. But what helps me is to set up a space. I like working at a table and I try not to put a lot of pressure on myself cause I think that happens too. I create things, I share them and people like them and then I wanna create more but then I don’t have any ideas and I don’t know what to do. I kinda get scared to try. When

I get in that headspace I’m like “okay, I’m not motivated or I’m not inspired or I’m hesitating because I’m scared I’m gonna create crap or I dunno, it’s not gonna be good enough” so I try to just sit down at a table. A blank table.

Take my sketchbook out or my watercolours out and just-- that’s actually why I started painting icecream. One day I was just like “I just want to create!

I haven’t created anything in a while.

I just want to make something! Okay I’m going to paint. What am I going to paint? I dunno, I can’t think of anything. What do you like? I like icecream, I love icecream.” Eventually, with my baking I want to have an icecream shop, that’s my dream. I just started painting icecream and at first they were weird looking and then I found a way I like to paint them and now I do it all the time and it’s my go to, actually. I don’t really plan photoshoots but I did one for the first time this summer and it was a really weird experience for me. Normally I just have my camera and I’m just shooting photos here and there, maybe they turn out and maybe they don’t. But this one photo I had in my show is of my friend Michelle and she’s floating on a pineapple in the water and all around her is just dark space. She had to kind of hike down and I popped the floaty down to her and it got caught in a bush and it kind of popped and was leaking air and she was like “Kate the thing popped” so I said “You better hurry up then!” “But the water is really cold” “Well, you better get in there!”. I was on top of the bridge waiting for her, she’s

such a trooper, and I’m shouting “get into the middle of the river and look graceful on your back!”. So that was really cool to take my photography in a different direction, just have a direction.

A lot of people have asked if I have a drone, but no! I kind of tricked people and created something different with my photography and that’s something I really want to explore this year. I’m trying to think of new shoots and concepts and make them happen.

Is there anything you would tell yourself at the beginning?

I think with baking I’d say, “Hey Kate, baking is a great career path, don’t think of it as anything less. You really love this and you’re passionate about it, follow that, don’t do what you think you should be doing because everyone else is going to university and studying sciences”. But well, through studying sciences and how I came to baking, I really like chemistry so that’s what I went to university for. I realized I don’t wanna sit in a lab for the rest of my life, maybe I don’t like chemistry. That’s why I went into the environmental chemistry because that’s a cool kind of chemistry and now I’ve kind of looped it all back. I should’ve just been like “HEY KATE, BAKING IS FOOD CHEMISTRY AND THAT’S THE KIND YOU LIKE”.

How do you get your work out into the world?

With photography I have a tumblr blog I’ve always posted stuff on there and instagram, and then took that offline and into the real world with the show.

I’d like to do more of that and different

ways. I’m still coming up with ideas for how I want to show my work in the future. With my comic, I really want to do something with it but I don’t know what. Right now I just share it on instagram but I’d love to make a little physical comic. I don’t really think of it as something to sell and I don’t need to make money off it but I started it because there’s nothing in the media for cold-water female surfers. Just female surfing in general is like 99% a girl in a bikini just on a beach not even surfing and it frustrates me to no end.

It’s changing, it’s definitely changing.

A lot of female professionals are saying “we’re here in this community and this is how we want to be represented” there’s a lot of cool stuff going on and that’s why I started my comic. I engaged a lot of females who said “I’ve had these experiences too”. I always ask women what are your surfing experiences? What are the funny things, the bad things, the struggles, the stoke, the stories? Every woman says getting changed. Getting in or out of a wetsuit in a parking lot. It’s boobs and butts everywhere and dealing with that. It’s just about body issues but about smelly wetsuits, guys in the water or how much joy it brings us. It’s a narrative. With my baking, I’d like to one day have my own shop and do pastries and that’s my dream one day. The thing about baking is it’s this delicious temporary architecture I get to create

and share. I love that. Everyone loves baked goods when they’re eating them.

They’re probably celebrating something or having coffee with a friend or treating themselves. It’s such a special moment I get to help other people have.

I just want to keep doing that in some way.

Any advice for anyone who might be starting their own journey?

What has helped me, I think a lot of people have a lot of ideas and they’re inspired to do something but they’re scared or they hesitate because well, they don’t think they’re gonna be good enough. If there’s something you’re inspried to do, just go for it! When there’s something I’m inspired to do, I do research. I used to always think with fancy things like that’s for professionals. I watched the Great British Bake Off and there’s all these amateurs and I was like, Oh, if they can do it I can do it! I started making like, french macarons, these things I never thought I could do. You just gotta try it. It’s okay to fail, we all do, you know? It sucked the first time, okay, whatever, do it again, it’s okay.

Just go out there and do it. Just go out there and make it happen!

All the things you wanna do. And share failures, because we all fail and it’s normal and human and then you’re not so scared to fail because it doesn’t matter if you try and fail, just try again.

Find her on IG@NorthWesterly and @SaltWaxComics read more Patreon. com/KindOK

Can you tell us a bit about who you are and where you come from?

So, I’m from London. I moved to the Isle of Wight in ‘97. I went to India, I had a nervous breakdown when I was 27. I was a photographer/illustrator so I did a degree in photography and I was in London and I was a bassist in a band, massive party person. I was part of a music collective and I made book covers, but ultimately that was a bit of burn out, it wasn’t my spiritual path and there was something inside, it just started to all be a bit much. I just found it all a bit much. I was successful but then I’ve never really wanted external success. I guess looking back it was really good but I had a nervous breakdown and I went to India for 6 months.

I learned to meditate and just hung out.

When I came back I was homeless, so I was sofa surfing in London. One of my friends from the music collective said, why don’t you come down the Isle of Wight so yeah, why not? Didn’t have anything anyway. Julia Margaret Cameron lived here at Dimbola, and I really liked her during my degree, but I had no idea she was from here. We drove out there in the winter and there was no one in the tea room and just heard someone say “oh it’s a real shame we can’t rent that flat out back” from the kitchen, so we were like “Excuse me! We’re looking for somewhere to live” So I put what I had in a van and moved down. I just sat in my flat, I didn’t know a single person here, had no phone, but I was trying to practice this meditation technique (Vipassana).

LIZ COOKE / ARTIST & FLAGMAKER, UK

I was doing an hour in the morning, an hour in the evening and an hour and a half of yoga in the morning and evening-- I was on the dole and didn’t have kids, so it was just perfect. When you’re in the flow and you’re traveling, you’re open when you’re not fixed to an idea, you’re open to magic. Everything good to me that has come in my life has been like that, because I’ve been open and not having a rigid idea of where I think I’m going. Just trying to listen to my heart.

What mediums are you using?

I never wanted to use silk because they’re boiled alive, so it’s not my thing. But then there’s the petrol chemical industry, so then I’ve always been a been a bit conflicted. The only way I’m getting around that in my head is

that they’re made for peace and I reuse them until they drop and I’ll recycle them or remake them. What’s your process like, how do you start figuring out how you’re going to make something? Normally in my sketchbooks I start with little pictures, I’m trying to do more art now, and then I would go onto the computer to work it out-- it’s quite a strange process, just because you can draw it doesn’t mean you can sew it. You have to build it up from the bottom up and then flags are double sided, so you can never have a back. That’s how I start working it out, and then I would get a colour-way that I might work with. I’m better now but initially I’d make one, we’d put it up and look at it and say “that looks shit”. Usually they need to be bigger, you think it’s massive and then oh my god, it looks

like a tea towel. We’ve cried. Now, I’ve done it for 10 years so I have a pretty good idea what dimensions work and how the processes work. I make them all and it’s knackering but I don’t want to go to Bali and get someone else to make them because that’s not my ethic.

How did you start making flags?

Started with, first of all, meeting John Giddings who runs the Isle of Wight festival for a separate job. I’d been to the festival when Jaz (daughter) was one, it wasn’t the normal kind of festival I’d go to but with a one year-old it was that or nothing. So John said, what did you think of my festival? And I said it was really shit for kids. And he went, oh do you want to do it then? I went home and we were kinda like, what do you even do? So, anyway, we said yes and then we did the first kid zone. I had 40 mates and we just did it.

And then a couple of years later, not to be mean, but they didn’t really have anyone creative on the team and they were all promoters. They liked the fact that I was artist. So they asked if I would make some flags for them and I said yeah, yeah, sure I can totally do that and I literally couldn’t. I hadn’t sewn...like, ever. I went to Lidl and got a 40 quid sewing machine and then I got a book (how to sew) and then I just practiced and made tiny flags. I just made them and they liked them. I didn’t think it was going to be my thing, at all, but then it just so happened that people kept asking, do you have any flags?

Now, I’m actually starting to move back into art.

Did you have a creative background already?

I decided really young that I wanted to do art. Mum and dad did not like that at all. But anyway, I did an art foundation course and then I went and did a photography degree course. We’d phone people out of the phone book for interviews, it was 23 years ago so, it wasn’t digital it was dark rooms and telephones. It was physical portfolios and footsteps to people. Through that, my first job was Body Shop but it took about 9 months of taking my portfolio around. So this is what I’m trying to do now, cause I’ve been doing all of this since I had kids, flags were a way to stay creative while being a mum. I wanted to give all my attention to the children but not wanting to lose the creativity and not wanting a four by four or family packs of yogurt-- I just wanted a bit of magic. You know? So we lived in a shack, we lived in a caravan, and it just evolved. Now the kids are getting older and I’m trying to go back to collage and art. But this is still colour and design, it’s still making.

What do you wish you knew when you first started? Or if you could tell your younger self something?

Oh, um, hm. *long pause* It’ll be alright? You know what, I still feel like I haven’t got anywhere. I feel the same.

Inside myself, I feel like I still need the future me to tell me that. Talking to you does sound like a lot but that doesn’t… I don’t know. I don’t feel like I’ve done anything. I mean, I feel the

same. I was hopeful when I was young, and I’m hopeful now, and I never had linear timelines or paths or goals then.

I don’t really now. I think I’d probably just say meditate more and don’t smoke as much. It’s a difficult question. You’d think, I mean, I went into art college at 19 and I’m 50 so I should be able to answer that question but actually it’s quite difficult.

I think a lot of people are in that position, as well, though. You don’t necessarily think that you know any better by now, you just know differently.

I suppose if I had a nervous breakdown at 27 so obviously my balance wasn’t good. If it had been really good then my mind would have been settled but then if I hadn’t had that complete crack open and absolute bottomlessness on the back of quite a lot of manic depression, I did suffer with massive depression through my teens and 20s. I was like the person I am now all chatty and happy but then there were dark holes that opened up and I just used to fill them with drink. So, no, I would probably say self care is really important. I wouldn’t say a lot to my 30 year old self but to my teen self, my early 20 self I would say just look after yourself better. Look after your mental health. Find some practices that support your mental health. Don’t try and drown your sorrows cause it doesn’t fucking work.

Try to get the balance with your being so you can do the work you want to do.

Don’t abuse yourself cause it’s wasting your time and your vital energy. That’s what I’d say and that’s what I’ve said to

my kids. We’re the sort of people that like to be aware of issues but that can totally backfire. I think that goes back to self care. If you’re on a day where you’ve got loads of energy and you feel really good then maybe that day dedicate that energy to activism or even just thinking good thoughts but if there’s a day when you’re crashing out, forget all that and just look after yourself. Try to care for your mental health. Know that that isn’t the day to go doing anything big or trying to inspire anyone and just say actually today I can’t cope with any of it. I’ve started to think a bit more like that. Essentially, we’re quite privileged aren’t we? So then we almost have a duty to use our privilege but then you don’t want to be overwhelmed by that so this is the balance I’m trying to work with.

What helps you come up with new ideas and stay motivated?

Meditation. I do retreat once a year if I can, a 10 day silent retreat with intensive meditation. Vipassana meditation or Buddhist insight meditation. For me it’s amazing because it’s like a complete reset. And then when the family is in bed, I’ll do sketchbook work. Definitely not being around loads of people talking, going in and looking at stuff and relaxing knowing you can’t force stuff but you can encourage stuff and to do that you have to kind of make the space for it. But when you treat your body and mind nice it definitely opens it up a bit.

For you, what’s the best part of being an artist?

I just feel like it’s my absolute heart, I’ve never really thought. I’m quite conflicted about doing art because I always feel like it’s not of service and I want to be of service. Early days like should I be a nurse or an artist, but I’m just so rubbish with blood and I fainted and I was good at art. In my life I’ve tried to get away from art a lot, I thought I’d be a masseure or have a meditation space but it keeps coming back. So the best bit is art and spirituality, it’s a form of meditation and a form of communion often with nature and often with the universe and sorts. The best art that I do is unconscious or unthought about.

The best art I’ve done has definitely been when “Liz” is less involved when I’ve opened up more and allowed art to come through me I know that sounds really cheesy but it’s actually true. When you’re more connected and less in your head, not thinking and not planning.

It’s always been really important to me, which is probably why I still don’t really have any money, but it’s not about profit and it’s not motivated by making money, it’s the other way around.

Because I want to make art, there’s the hope that some aspect of what I will do can create an income. It’s always good to find a balance because then you can live with yourself, or I can anyway. Everything has got a chain and everything is part of everything else.

Find more at www.lizcooke.co.uk/ Read more Patreon.com/KindaOK

SADIE CRAIGIE / CRAFTER & GATHERER, UK Can you make a super-cheesy self statement about what you make, where you come from, something weird about you?

As a kid, I was brought up in Brighton.

Then my family moved to Burnbury and pretty much since then have moved every year until I moved into the van and now I just move around every day.

So I don’t know what the answer is.

Um, I’ll make anything I can out of the free stuff that I find or buy for pennies at boot sales. It might be dream catchers, bracelets, necklaces. I’m having a go at macrame at the moment. And I love driving. If I’d lived a slightly different life I would have ended up a rally car driver.

What are you working towards as far as your craft goals?

It’s quite basic, just something I can enjoy and also use to give to people that I meet along the way as a traveler gift and also just the idea that I can make something out of nothing and manage to put dinner on the table. It’s modest.

That’s a good way to live. What helps motivation?

I love what I’m doing and there’s nothing else I’d rather be doing so the idea of any alternative isn’t worth thinking about for me personally. I try to live in the present to the fullest.

Do you ever get stuck though?

I don’t get stuck for long. It can be a

day or something and it’s good learning time because generally it brings up something that you need to work through or it’s a little lesson. I’m feeling poopy because of this and this and those are just little things and life experiences and when you get a chance to actually think about it. Some days

are good and some days are bad but it’s just knowing on those bad days that everything is temporary.

What do you do in those moments when things aren’t flowing?

I’ll mix it up and go for a walk or go and do something else that I enjoy and try to freshen it up so that when I come back I’m going to come at it from a fresh start. That could even be a couple of weeks, a break from it and I feel like that’s really important. That can be just as good rather than going around in circles on the same thing.

What about inspiration? The stuff you make is pretty unique but also kind of traditional craftswoman-y.

I like the idea of the more natural a life is the closer we are to how things naturally would have been years and years ago, the better for us it is. Obviously in

this time we have to have an urbanized kind of way of dealing with it so I just have my hunter-gatherer bits and pieces from boot sales. I just build things and spend time on human things and doing crafty bits, even if they’re simple just enjoying simple things.

How did you end up living in your van? Was it before your relationship or during?

It kind of came accidentally. It’s weird because when I was 4, before I had any inspiration for it I don’t know where it came from at all, the Wild Thornberry’s and that, I always wanted to travel in a van. I’d list all the countries I wanted to see and I forgot about it for ages until Ed (partner) had been together for like 3 years. I’d finished university and we were living in a caravan, it was nice and cheap and we were stagnating a bit but just pootling along enjoying life but not really going anywhere.

Then the guy who owned the caravan suddenly said “I need it back next week” and we were like “ooookay, where do we go? What are we going to do?” so then we bought a van in Wales for $400 and it was a big risk. So we drove to my parents house and they put us up for a bit, but obviously living back with your family in a small town just wasn’t good for us. So within a few months we’d sold that van to get a slightly bigger one and converted the new one and we’ve been living it that for 3.5 years.

Your van is all self build, so what has

that process been like?

Well, it’s been one of the hardest things we’ve experienced in both our lives.

Both of us never picked up drills and screwdrivers before that really so it challenged us a lot to make the whole build and live around it cause we were living out of the van while converting it. We were always outdoors converting so it wasn’t ideal but we got through it.

The only way to make it, the only way to do it, there was no point in getting frustrated with each other. You just come to a head and we decided to just put it down. We decided to only work on it when it’s going well because we want to fill it with love, if you know what I mean. We didn’t want to fill it with our negative energies. Once we had that down and gave ourselves the space to not be at each other it kind of helped it come together. It was really good for learning how to work as a team. Living in it has been incredible and it’s a proper make or break thing.

We’ve had some crazy arguments but when you live in such a small space you have to come back around and talk about it afterwards and address those emotions because they’ll always come up and you can’t live in an environment where you’re just reenacting the same emotional reactions. It forces you to, you can’t drive off without the other person.

try to take it off me or say “oh you poor woman” and so I wouldn’t have a job to do so I had to tell people “I can do this, let me show you.” I was just one of the dudes towards the end which was pretty cool. I hadn’t done a lot of it before but I just needed to believe in myself and test my capabilities and just keep pushing. It’s really fun and interesting to test people’s perceptions of what a “lady” is. I enjoy being girly sometimes but I also enjoy being dirty and showing people there isn’t a defined one or the other. We’re all capable it’s just what you put your heart into.

Where you’re picking up work as you go and living nomadically, is a lot of the work usually “dude” oriented?

Yeah. My first experience of it, I was able to get a labouring work through a family member for 7 months doing big heavy dirty work so that gave me the experience to put on paper in the future. The job I’ve been doing this summer has been rigging and de-rigging an obstacle course event. When we phoned up, well, basically without Ed having to say anything he had already got the job and then when we mentioned that I was interested they said “oh no, we don’t accept women. it’s a dirty job and we’ve had issues before” so Ed had to fight on my behalf. So I was coming into that environment and they were all very uh, lads? I went in there and I can lift some good weight and I was surprising some of these lads as well. People would

Is there anyone you’ve encountered that’s inspired you?

There’s a lot of inspiring talkers out there who have helped reinforce the ideas I’ve had. It’s hard to say, it’s a really big one. There’s a lot in this way of life at the moment that, personally, doesn’t suit me and I cannot live within it because I’d completely be denying who I am as a person so I almost have to live this life. It’s completely by desire but sometimes it’s just not easy because other people, most, don’t understand it because it’s so far out of their system.

That’s the only bit that makes it hard.

In my ideal world I’d just be bumbling around trading bits and pieces, even on horseback would be fine.

Have you encountered many other women in your van journeys?

Yes, actually. Kind of like a trait within them, I guess, would be empowered females. It’s 50/50 guys as well. I think living in a van on your own is some-

thing else other than living with a partner. That’s good as well but it would be good to experience it as another experience. It comes with a lot more challenges and I really respect people who have done that. It’s a big world out there and to be traveling around not knowing anything is a bit, big. Having a partner gives me an easy ride on some things.

Is there anything you wish you’d known when you started?

Just to probably not bother being scared. You just gotta put one step in front of the other and kind of end up there eventually. One step isn’t scary.

Going to buy a van is one step, the next step is looking at the design, the next step is making sure you have kit for it, then the next step. You know what I mean? Breaking it down makes it a lot less scary. I think a lot of time I spent looking at this big wall of “Oh my god how am I gonna do all of this

stuff I don’t know how to do? It’s big and scary and real! Why don’t I just get a normal job and just be normal!”. It’s just not being overwhelmed. And not looking to the end point of thinking “it’s gonna be awesome when I get there, I just gotta get through this” enjoy the getting through this, that’s what the learning is and how to get through it. f in a van.

Are you excited about anything coming up? In a couple of months, Ed’s going to finish this job he’s doing and then I have no idea what we’re doing.

I’m looking forward to that because, it’s one of those things of just going with the flow and just trusting in life and it will all fall into place. I know I’ve got a mystery box coming up. Also, we’ve just upgraded the van so that’s going to take us to the mystery box.

Find her on IG@InSearchofLevelGround and read more of this interview on Patreon.com/KindaOK

LUCIA PARA ILLUSTRATOR ITALY / UK

Can you tell us where you come from what kind of things you create and something weird?

My name is Lucia Para. I’m Italian of origin and I loved England from when I was a teenager so my dream was to come to England. I painted woodlands when I was in university because I was in fine art, but I didn’t paint woodlands I could see in Italy. So I thought these woods existed somewhere and I had to find them. That’s why I moved to Ireland. And then I understand, there were no trees! Where were all the trees? I was sure I could find a land full of oak woodland and there was none. Someone told me there were a lot of oak trees but they had been cut down during the war some 200 years ago. I knew I was belonging to that place one time in the past but it was not anymore. So then I came back to Italy, I found a job and had things but these dreams to come to North… The North has got a fascination for me and I always wanted to travel and live somewhere else because there are too many people. Far too many people and it is so difficult as a job because (Italy) is absolutely packed with artists, especially in

Florence where I lived. It’s only artists! There’s nothing else. So when I got the chance to come to England, I just flew. I was so determined to be here and it was tough at times but good. I still think at times I don’t find my real place because I love to live in the countryside, so I am still looking for the place to call home. I need to find the oak trees one day.

Sometimes you have to go through other steps.

The things I create is mostly, well, I have been creating all sorts of 3D things. I was always interested in craft. When I was in Italy I did some etching, pottery, working with metals, wax, fabric felt, all sorts of things I did classes even online.

And then I loved fabric from when I was small because I still have this

memory to make dolls dresses with my auntie. The women in my family they used to make clothes for us, my mum and her sisters. I’d always seen this working with fabric. I tried a dress making class and it was a disaster. I was spending hours sewing these pieces together, that I liked, but then they were the wrong way around. So frustrating! So I think I like fabric but I need something new. I think sometimes you have to mix things together to get original ideas. To put your hands in different realms so you can get more creative freely inside. From that, maybe even images will come out.

What inspires you and your art?

Pattern, first of all. I love pattern for some reason although nature is my big love, geometrical patterns, I don’t know why, there is something with them-- it just takes my heart.

I am struggling to learn but I will get there one day. It’s not the easiest thing to produce because you have to be very precise to put the shapes together but the fascination of small patterns…I think the real reason is because I believe I can use them as backgrounds to do more organic things on top which is painting or shapes of nature. I always like to have some kind of starting point.

Walking in nature, though this I do mostly for my soul.

What do you do when you need motivation?

I think the best way for me is to go easy. Not so much mentally, but physically, so do something creative that is easy like this hedgehog. I know I’m going to get there, it’s quick and the result will be making me think while I knit which is a very meditative process, I’ll get ideas.

Or I’ll do these drawings which are like stylized drawings, actually they are very simple to make and they give you satisfaction. It’s not a very difficult process that puts you down, it’s not long, easy techniques and exercises. When I was listening to many teachers they say to do warm ups. Do you do warm ups? I very rarely do warm ups. But there is a

reason and it’s this, to not get stuck in the beginning in perfectionism.

To get free. Because often I think when we are blocked we are not free. That’s why, because we are all imaginative, we are all creative, so why this creativity doesn’t come out? I’m sure inside we are full of ideas so I think of how we can get an easier way to come out which doesn’t fight with expectations.

Social media, our big fight for blogs because you see all these wonderful things and you think, “oh, I’m not able to do something like that” and so on. But honestly, for me, I thought when I can be myself even if the thing is not perfect as I want, it’s probably more interesting for people to see my working process than finished things that look so polished.

I see people that have thousands and thousands of likes and sometimes it’s two scribbles together but it belongs to them and it reflects an idea or even just a creative sparkle, it’s not finished, it’s not anything but it’s nurturing somehow. This kind of freedom and possibility. People are interested in people, more than the technique and the actual artwork.

So you work part time, alongside doing what sounds like a lot of classes? Last year I got to a point where I was so stuck. The process of fabric has got a limit, you’re

very conditioned by fabrics and also these copyright things. It’s good, I understand and I’m not against it but the limitation of this? I’m at a point where I need to do something different. Because it sold and people loved it, I narrowed it down too much so I lost part of my creativity. It became very, very dry. So I decided this thing of illustration, I’ll try that. It took me about two years. actually decided to subscribe to two schools because skillshare is more like to help small businesses but then they don’t really teach you digital storytelling. How to make a character alive and so on. So I found this other school which I love which is called the Society of Visual Storytelling.

Do you think you’ll move towards creating full time? I think I want to work with children somehow. Not as a teacher, because I did a teacher job it’s not that kind of thing. When you were asking about the statement, I was thinking about what is my mission in life. I think I want to create beauty to make the people feel better, so there is a healing thing in this...

Sometimes I think I’m a bit late to get there but I think sometimes is a bit slow to get to a point to know what you want to do in life. In truth, life has got it’s own winding roads. You have to develop things inside in order to know what you want to do outside.

This connection with children, I had to build it up inside first. I taught children when I was 24 as a teacher but I didn’t have this understanding of how I was connected to them. I only could see that they loved me very, very much. There was something but I never thought of doing something with them because it was too difficult. I didn’t feel I could give them confidence which I didn’t have.

So first, I had to work on myself because they perceive everything.

So I think you need to see the things before. Maybe when you’re young there’s so many things going on, you want a house you want a job you want a boyfriend you want to marry, and you can’t concentrate on what’s going on inside. At least for me, it was like that. Also thinking to move and wanting to find your own place.

There’s a lot of things going on. So afterall, I don’t think it’s too late.

Especially because I don’t think I’ll ever have a normal job so I will have to make it up.

What advice would you give someone who is just starting their journey? One thing that helps me a lot when I’m stuck, because when you’re stuck you don’t know where to start and this is the biggest trouble, the thing is to take something that somebody else did whatever it is, and start from there. You can

copy, of course don’t infringe copyright, but just for yourself. You learn a lot just by copying something someone else did because there is a reason that you liked it. When you copy you understand why they did it how they did. By copying something that we like, the artist already resolved some problems so we don’t have to face them. A lot of oil painting classes they recreate the masters and that’s the best because you don’t have to worry about composition or shading they did that all for you.

This, I think automatically sparkles something inside us which makes us feel good. And then, doesn’t matter the product, we feel good. And if I go to work at my waitressing job and I have not done something that makes me feel good I just feel like I’m so frustrated, I’m so bored!

Take something that already exists and make it your own. Even if you buy something in the charity shop and modificate it, take it apart and rebuild it. Start from something that is already existing. This is the thing for me.

Find her on IG@Lucia.Elfina.Para or on Etsy @LuciaPara Full interview available on Patreon.com/KindaOK

FIONA SMITH / TRAVELER & CITY FARMER / LIVERPOOL, UK Fiona helps run Acorn Farm in Liverpool which originally started as a therapy project for people with disabilities and has grown into a close community of staff, Day Service placements and visitors.

What got you interested in farming? I suppose I always liked animals and nature and working outside. This job is ideal really because it’s not agriculture and I wouldnt want to be working in mass produced agriculture but it’s surprising how much you do and how much agricultural knowledge,

like we sell the beef, the the pork, the eggs and the icecream. So you actually have to make things sort of economical to do. Yeah I think the best thing is the job satisfaction you get, how much the guys love being here and the visitors all coming here. The worst things are well, *whispers* the people. I think our record is 17 people dismissed but not bad for 32 years.

Oh well, that answers how long it’s been running! When did you start traveling?

I suppose, I mean, when I was a kid my dad moved around every 3 years so I suppose that was traveling because I used to go out and see him in school holidays in Edinburgh.

And then when I was a student, at University the first summer I went to work on that goat and sheep farm in Norway which was great. The second summer I went and worked on a couple in Israel which was quite different but quite fun. The third summer I went to the University of Hawaii actually and did a summer school in horticulture but it was just really a, you know, a lovely holiday.

I met some lovely people and it was brilliant. I suppose that really like, wetting my appetite for welping my oysters.

I like that it’s little bits that all

trickled into this lovely place that you’ve built. It takes all of us, really.

Yeah of course! What do you do when you’re feeling unmotivated?

Um, yes I mean I’m lucky I’ve got really friendly, really supportive colleagues here and I’ve got wonderful friends. I just wouldn’t get through life without my friends, I’m always upfront about that, you know? Neil and Sue and friends who I still go away with and various other people and they’re my rocks I suppose. It’s nice just to catch up with them and you just get it into perspective a bit then, don’t you? Like what’s important.

Sometimes if you’re trying to do something too hard and it’s not working you have to go do so something else!

Yeah, that’s right. And then, or you just think of a different way of doing it I suppose, don’t you? Or else you just put it in perspective and think “Well, that’s not that much of a failure”.

What are some of the other things you’re doing in your spare time?

I really like learning languages. I’m trying to polish up my spanish again to go to the Dominican Republic.

Um I really don’t know I guess I’m

nearly middle-aged though. I like being in my garden and making things grow!

What are you excited about in the future?

Um...I don’t know! Just my life being as good as it is, really. There’s nothing that I think “oh if that would happen then my life would be complete” it’s pretty complete already, really. You know when everything is just cruising along nicely and everyone you care about is well and happy and you just think “well, you know, there’s not much more you can wish for, really!” I’ve never been that kind of ambitious to money or to be the first person to do this I’m just quite happy, I suppose, drifting along.

Do you find solo-traveling really important?

I read somewhere, you know, maybe it’s common knowledge but that the difference between introverts and extroverts is that extroverts get their energy from other people and introverts get their energy from themselves. I actually find, um I don’t know how I survived 10 years at boarding school, but I find being surrounded by people all the time

actually really exhausting. Even really good friends. I remember when I used to stay with you (talking to my partner Tom) when you were kids and Sue would say to the boys, “now remember Fiona does like time on her own”. And I thought that’s actually really considerate. And I just love being on my own partly because of that. There’s no, I suppose, I’ve never met anyone, you know, normally when I travel with people they say “oh isn’t this bus taking a long time” “oh isn’t this journey uncomfortable” “oh isn’t this hotel terrible” and it’s all negative negative negative. Whereas when you’re on your own, you think “oh well this is taking quite a long time but there’s lovely views out the window”.

You know, stuff like that. And also I do think that both other travelers and people when you’re traveling are much more likely to approach you when you’re on your own. I mean in a lot of places it’s quite, it’s almost weird to have a woman traveling on her own, and it’s amazing!

I’ve stayed at family hotels, they’ve seen me come and said “would you like to come and eat with my family tonight? Rather than sitting on your own?” And I’m like well yeah! I’d love to come and eat with your family but I’m equally happy to sit in the dining room. You know? Don’t feel

sorry for me! And people are just really really nice. But I mean you also get the opposite where you get a couple who are obviously not getting on and say “would you like to come out for the day with us, Fiona?!” and I’m like, uhhh nope! Sit in the car and listen to you two arguing all day? I’d rather be on my own!

And you can just do what you want, can’t you? As long as you respect the culture. You want to sit and read your book for four hours you can do it and there’s no one saying “that’s boring! You need to go and hike up this mountain or something!” and you have to be like, “no! Just let me be!”

Where are your favourite places you’ve been?

Still Kenya, I do love it because I was brought up there but as soon as you step off the plane and there’s a certain smell and the humidity and you just think oh it’s nice to be home.

And I love Nepal. I just it’s fabulous, I got chased by a Rhino up a tree and met lovely people. I mean, I didn’t go hiking at all because I wasn’t fit enough but it was surprise because I put off going there for ages cause I

thought I’m not able to go trekking in the Himalayas and that’s all you go to Nepal for. And then obviously you go and think, oh my god and it’s just amazing all the other things you can do. And I’ve met older people traveling that say, and there’s nothing wrong with it, but when you’re young you know you want to climb up Kilamajaro or swim across such and such and when you’re older you want to sit down under a tree and chat to the local people about their lives. And you know, it’s true. That’s a good day out for me! I don’t need to have a tick list where I tick everything off.

I came here in 1987 and it was a building kind of up to the bottom window and a part time member of staff. How it started was there was a guy who worked at the local college who taught people with special needs and he thought that it didn’t meet anyone’s needs, just that they come here just because otherwise they’re sitting at home with their parents. So Margie was actually in his class and he decided to actually set up a farm so people could get physical work and be much more creative. So that’s how it started.

Margie and my mum were on the admissions, and my mum’s still going strong she’s 92!

Is there anything that you wish you knew earlier?

I’m tempted to say, and I mean this might work for me but not for everyone, but things will work out in the end. You know when you’re young and you’re so worried like you haven’t done this or you haven’t done that, what’s going to happen in 10 years time? And actually it doesn’t really matter, does it? I am, by nature, I am a bit of a worrier. I always have to really try and work against that. What’s going to happen is going to happen. You just gotta be a bit of a fatalist haven’t you? Just say, well, it happens. I really believe when your number’s up your number’s up, it doesn’t matter what dangerous things you do. When the day is there, you’re gonna go and that’s it.

Find Fiona and support Acorn Farm at www.acornfarm.co.uk Read more at Patreon.com/KindaOK

@Caitlin.McKeon.Artist

I am a non-binary artist working on an MA in Fine Art and Humanities at DJCAD at the University of Dundee.

I am interested in the cis-gaze on the queer body, as well as the experience of being queer within a body. I am influenced by medical art and the history of surgery, my biggest artistic influence has been Louise Bourgeois.

A lot of my work appears violent, or gory, or unsettling, but I always instrument care in my sculptures and hope to diffuse nurture into the pieces as well. I like to focus on how caring and healing can be a very d i f f i c u lt pro c e s s , phy s i c a l l y, e m otionally, and societally. Some of them are autobiographical, and some of them are what the cis-gaze assumes about being queer. I hope to challenge the binary in all of my work.

SOMETIMES STUFF IS SCARY, LIKE SUBMITTING ART & WRITING TO A CREATIVE ZINE (I.E. THIS ONE) YOU SHOULD DO IT ANYWAY BECAUSE YOU ARE WORTHY & GREAT AND WE WOULD LIKE TO SEE & READ SOME STUFF BY YOU!

GROW N PAINS ISSUE 5 THEME IS

SELF CARE

SEND SUBMISSIONS TO SRH.CROSSLEY@GMAIL.COM BEFORE FEB 28TH ART,WRITING,PHOTO GRAPHY POETRY& OTHER BITS

@DEBBIEchessell @debbiechessel

When I was asked if I would like to submit a piece on ‘making it happen’ I almost felt that I would be an imposter if I agreed.

Here I am, waking up on my parents living-room sofa, a sofa-bed that I have been unfolding every night for the past three months. Because staying in my childhood bedroom really would be to admit that I am 26 and living back at my parents house. This is only temporary. But then again so is everything, a fact I try to constantly remind myself.

Graduating in 2015 I was off to a great start, ‘first-class degree from a good university’, ‘all expenses paid internship for a large NGO in Japan’, the facebook status’ practically wrote themselves.

And then I got sick, self-diagnosed with an incurable illness commonly known as ‘the travel bug’.

Since leaving Scotland three years ago I have lived and worked in 5 different countries. Doing everything from trimming weed, as an illegal worker doing illegal work, in a basement in Michigan USA. To photographing reusable cups for a start up company in New Zealand. From doing a work exchange on a peanut farm in Japan to taking ‘Santa photos’ of screaming children and pushy ‘moms’ in Canada.

And with a whole heap of bar work and coffee making in between... you could say I am a jack-of-all-trades, but most of the time I am ‘just a waitress’.

I returned to the U.K after following a boy to the USA in a hopelessly romantic

S O F A

infatuation. I found almost it impossible to detach my returning to my parents home from a sense of failure.

Failure of a relationship, failure to have achieved some grand working title and failure to fit into a ‘stable’ job.

Reluctantly I got a job working part time at a little National Trust cafe. The rest of my time was divided between repainting my parents kitchen, turning my old bedroom into a photographic darkroom and reading. I spent three whole days sorting some photographs that I took covering hydraulic fracturing in New Zealand and submitting them to a photographic prize. I was ‘making it happen’.

I didn’t win. I didn’t even get third place. But the gallery was going to print and frame 5 of the images and I’d

B E D

by Amy D’Agorne Craighill @Amydagorne

get 50% commission if any of them sell.

This was more than enough! Just that little nod of appreciation of something I’d created is enough for me to know that I’m ‘making it happen’.

I think the most important part of the idea to ‘make it happen’ to me, is not to take other people’s ideas of what that ‘it’ is. ‘It’ is everything.’It’ is having a good relationship with myself and not beating myself up.’It’ was painting my mum’s kitchen and learning there are many different types of polyfilla. ‘It’ is deciding to cycle to visit my friend in Durham and pushing my old bike over the North Yorkshire moors by will alone. To enjoy ‘it’ as and when it comes, bath in the sunshine and rain with equal joy and pleasure. ‘It’ is writing this article and you reading it.

Pre-Work People by chloe bren Art by @saltwaxComics

Have you ever been scrolling through Instagram, and seen a post from a friend entitled something like - “beautiful run before work this morning”, and had a pang of envy? Or overheard a colleague telling stories about their Monday morning kick-boxing sessions, and felt somewhat in awe of their energy? I have. Where I live, there are a lot of highly motivated outdoorsy people, who are often training for their next mountain running race, or an outdoor swimming challenge, you name it - they’re in training for it. I also engage with a lot of social media that offers this same narrative. “Getting out for an adventure before the daily grind” - that sort of thing. I applaud it, sure, but ew? Mornings? It’s a no from me.

You see, I am not a morning person. For years I have struggled to get out of bed and start my day bright and early. Every New Years, I vow that I will transform myself into one of those people who follows this sort of regime. Running, yoga, mindfulness, you get the picture. Every year, I fail at the first hurdle. I snooze my alarm, once again drifting back into a comfy, but unremarkable doze.

Recently though, I experienced a bit of an accidental shift. Upon my return from Australia, I discovered that as soon as the light faded at 5pm, I found myself entirely ready for bed. I was waking up naturally at around 5am. Weirdly...I

kind of liked it.

I agreed to go running with my partner. We got up at 6:30 to be leaving the house for 6:45, donned our head torches, and shivered down the path towards our run destination. Normally, I would walk to warm up before breaking into a run, but it was so cold that I had to jog just to be comfortable.

There was no one around. The light was just developing that bluey hue that means your eyes don’t quite require a light to see.

On the way down from the run, I stopped my partner to look at the view and said excitedly, “We’re doing it! We’re being those people who get up and do things!”. The next thing I did was something I’d been wanting to try for over a year. Since September 2017, my best friend in the Lakes has been swimming at least once a week. I’d been in awe of this practice for a long time, but my ability to actually get up and do it was holding me back. But not this time. I was scared of wussing out. I was scared of jumping in and feeling so cold and regretting it. I was scared I was going to dip my toe in at the water’s edge and feel instant pain and never want to do it again. Dream shattered.

But that didn’t happen. Instead, I got there pre-wetsuited-up, with a towel, warm jacket, and flask of tea waiting for me on the side. I put on warm wetsuit boots, wetsuit gloves, and a woolly hat, and slowly we walked into the water together. We took our time, but as I got past my knees, I was keenly aware that this was not as bad as I had thought.

There was no pain. Yes, it was cold, but it was manageable. It was also, I knew, only temporary. We kept walking, giggling at each other’s facial expressions as the water hit nerve-dense areas. “My vagina hurts!”, Tess yelped, both of us

it works just as well. When talking about it, I try to include fears, worries, and nerves, as well as moments of joy, laughter, and achievement. If it was a hard day, cold and miserable, I’ll try and share it just the same as

laughing at how mad we were, and how we were doing it anyway. We didn’t spend long in the water, but just getting in felt like a big achievement for me. I couldn’t stop grinning. Some things I think might help me in this (and maybe others?):1) Take friends along. They help keep you accountable to your commitments, and injecting some social time into your day can only be a good thing. 2) If recording stuff via Strava or a smart watch or app etc. helps you keep on track, then go for it. 3) Share it - the good, the bad, the ugly. I like Instagram for this, but I think telling friends or family about

if I have a glorious time with pristine weather. I’m not some happy-clappy life coach blogger, I’m a human, and sometimes I hate the rain -and that’s cool too. 4) Don’t be hard on yourself.

If you’re unwell listen to your body, and give yourself time to recover.

5) Go to bed early. It makes getting up sooooo much easier. Plus, you get to get into bed earlier! What’s not to love? I hope I can keep up these little anti-meridian adventures. It’s taken me long enough to transition from aspiring do to it, to actually doing it. But it’s so very worth it.

other bits you might think are also neat

Shuturp.com (art above) Belle Isle Botanicals.com Jamie Squire.co.uk Lucia Para on Etsy @HeyGemmaFlack @SkumClub Debbie Chessell.com @SaltWaxComics @AmyDagorne @TheMelodyH @SoniaLazo @CherryRevolution @AndyHarvest @RarePress

A big thank you to all of the people who support me on Patreon, it's honestly so cool to make art and have people think it's rad.

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Tracks to Relax sleep meditations are wonderful & available on Spotify,Youtube and Patreon. www.trackstorelax.com