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Sometimes when you’re feeling really low you don’t think you can help anybody else and finding that you are doing so can be really empowering.” A lot of LGBTQ+ people are already isolated, and that word has taken on a different meaning in the pandemic, but many don’t have anyone to talk to “in any depth or meaning”. MindOut’s counselling service, which is up to 12 weeks, “can be really useful for bereavement”, says Helen, helping people to understand how their life has changed, to cope with the loss. Losing somebody often brings up other losses, she adds. “Someone close to you dies and that can bring up grief about other people you lost a long time ago.
BEREAVEMENT AND MENTAL HEALTH MindOut’s Helen Jones discusses the possible impacts of loss on people’s mental wellbeing with Jaq Bayles ) Loss of a loved one can have a huge impact on mental health, and this can be further exacerbated for LGBTQ+ people if they lose a partner and their relationship had not been acknowledged or had caused rifts in a family.
It’s not unheard of for partners to be excluded from the mourning process by a family who didn’t accept the relationship, and this constitutes another loss in its own right. This is just one possible scenario that may impact on the mental health of LGBTQ+ people experiencing bereavement and, as MindOut chief executive Helen Jones points out, bereavement is not just about death but many accompanying losses. “For some people, on top of the grief, it might be about what they had to give up, what they weren’t able to do,” she says. “Older people who were not supported to explore their gender identity and now it’s too late. People who had to be closeted in particular professions and the weight they have carried because they couldn’t be ‘out’ at work. “Then there are the people who have been outed at work and there have been some very sad stories.” Helen recounts the story of a man who had a very good career in the services, fell in love with a fellow serviceman only to be outed and forced to resign, following which the man he was in love with took his own life. “It was years ago and a product of its time, but he’s still living with that sort of loss – the loss of a loved one and a possible future
with them and also the loss of a career.” MindOut offers a raft of information and advocacy services for people who have been bereaved, as well as peer support groups and counselling services. The advocacy service helps LGBTQ+ people with both emotional and mental health and practicalities. Helen says: “If somebody is dealing with bereavement they might want help to talk to their GP, for example, and our advocacy service is designed to help with negotiating with other services. “It could be practical things to do with property or income or pensions – all the legal and other implications of a death, especially if there’s an existing mental health issue. Advocacy can help a lot.” When it comes to peer support groups, she says they are “a great way to meet other people who are struggling in similar ways, whether that’s in the circumstances or the effect it’s had on them”. Helen continues: “It might be really helpful to speak to someone else who is suffering in the same way. Peer support groups are incredibly helpful because, as well as getting support, you offer other people support.
“Also, sometimes people come for counselling about one thing and actually find it’s about bereavement. Counselling can take you somewhere you weren’t necessarily expecting.” Now being run online, the service is low cost and has a “fairly short waiting list”, whereas the NHS wait is 18 weeks. “People often wait quite a long time before asking for help,” says Helen. “It may be something to do with stigma, putting a brave face on it. When people do ask for help and support the quicker you can respond to that the better. “The fact is that a lot of people do come to us because they are concerned about other services not being LGBTQ+ affirmative.” And while NHS services are clinically driven, MindOut’s counselling takes a different approach and is more about the person working with themselves. Grief is a complex issue and one that can bring up surprising emotions. It’s said that there are five stages – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – and that’s an awful lot to process. “We don’t talk about death enough,” concludes Helen. “Most of us wander around thinking we are immune. “Years ago we ran a death café in partnership with Switchboard. The idea is not that you go along to explore your grief but to explore your own attitudes towards death and how you can prepare best for the inevitable. We make a lot of assumptions, particularly that it’s only old people who will die.”
MORE INFO D www.mindout.org.uk
“Peer support groups are incredibly helpful because, as well as getting support, you offer other people support Sometimes when you’re feeling really low you don’t think you can help anybody else and finding that you are doing so can be really empowering”
