Happiful February 2021

Listen to your heart Learn to live life with 'heartfulness' at the core

SHAKE IT OFF (negative energy, that is)

Ditch the drama by learning how to set boundaries

Professor Green gets real with gut health

Now we're c oo k

THE MAGAZINE DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH

! ing

8

FEB 2021

QUICK & EASY mouth-watering batch bakes

SPEAK EASY We decipher the 5 love languages & how to express them

An in-depth guide to therapeutic writing

Empowering reminders that can be worn everywhere.

15% OFF with code: HAPPIFUL15

S O U L A N A LY S E .C O M Changing the way you speak to yourself.

Be your own BFF Who’s been there for you since day one, with you through thick and thin, by your side no matter what – even if there are times when you don’t always see eye to eye?

As we approach Valentine’s Day, a lot of thoughts will be focused on our loved ones and relationships with others, especially when there are so many people we miss and can’t be as physically close to as we used to.

Some people might be lucky enough to conjure up family members, friends or partners who fit the description above. But the truth is the most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself.

Much like a radio, we can find that the messages our body is trying to tell us can seem a little fuzzy and distorted. It could be background noise that we’re not giving our full attention to. But there is real power in tuning in to the right frequency.

And that’s our aim with this issue.

From helping you understand your true self with five essential questions, to diving into the gut-brain connection and how our physical and mental

selves can impact each other, we want you to spend some time getting to know you. Because when you do, you allow yourself to thrive – and your external relationships too!

In times when we might feel cut off from the world around us, and believe that the walls are closing in, being your own best friend is more important than ever. It’s time to really listen to your wants and needs, and let that positive energy ripple out.

Brené Brown once said: “Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we’ll ever do.”

When you nurture that relationship with yourself, wonderful things really can happen.

Happy reading.

W | happiful.com F | happifulhq T | @happifulhq

REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR

I | @happiful_magazine

49

Find your balance 16 Do you remember?

We explore how memories help to shape who we are

23 Ask yourself this

Five questions to ask to get to know yourself better

35 Say it with us

Affirmations for hard times

49 The heart doesn’t lie

We explore the soothing practice of ‘heartfulness’

Refill your cup 14 What is niksen?

Embrace time doing nothing

26 Down on paper Writing for wellness

32 Me after motherhood

Parenthood is life-altering, so how can you reconnect with yourself?

53 Your time is yours

Wellbeing 30 Crystal clear

Our expert answers questions on how to get the most out of crystals

64 Bring hygge home

Feel-good food

True stories

20 Spice it up

37 Daniella: the missing link

Embrace mindful cooking

40 Cook up a storm Eight nutritious recipes

58 In the mood?

Learn about the surprising culprit behind bad moods

82 Professor Green

The rapper and campaigner on his journey with gut health

Embrace a dash of Danish cosiness

Culture

71 Bryony Gordon

8 Read all about it

The writer and campaigner on building personal resilience

80 Recover right

How to take care of yourself when you’re signed off work for your MH

Discovering the mind-body link made everything make sense

67 Philip: finding freedom

How an accident gave Philip a different view of the world around him

95 Deepanshi: being open

Sharing her OCD struggle was the turning point for Deepanshi

This month’s uplifting news

13 The wellbeing wrap 61 Dive in

Get lost in these good reads

30

40

*

Expert review

82

Relationships

46 Manage manipulation

32

56 First date nerves

How to conquer them for good

75 Show them you care

Small little things that go a long way

76 Set boundaries 86 Love languages

Which one are you speaking?

91 Pain and shame

We look at painful sex and explore what stops us speaking up

Try this at home 29 Declutter your mind

23

62 Things to do in February 90 Tight on time?

Self-care to suit any schedule

98 The body scan guide

Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively.

Relationships are key to our very functioning. But maintaining healthy relationships can sometimes be challenging.

A healthy relationship with yourself is the foundation for having a healthy relationship with anything external – others, food, boundaries, etc.

It provides a base that we can develop and grow from, but it does requires attention and care. Check out p23 for some simple, but extremely helpful, tips on how you can connect with the self. By focusing on you, you have the ability to nurture a love for your true self, which will be inherently felt by those around you.

RAV SEKHON BA MA MBACP (Accred)

Rav is a counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 10 years' experience.

Expert Panel

Our team

Meet the team of experts who have come together to deliver information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue

EDITORIAL Rebecca Thair | Editor Kathryn Wheeler | Head Writer

BIBI JAMIESON

GRAEME ORR

MA (Hons) MBACP

MBACP (Accred) Reg Ind

Bibi is an integrative psychotherapeutic counsellor.

Graeme is a counsellor working with both individuals and couples.

Chelsea Graham | Editorial Assistant Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers Becky Wright | Content & Marketing Officer Katie Hoare | Digital Marketing & Content Officer Grace Victory | Columnist Lucy Donoughue | Head of Partnerships

RACHEL COFFEY

AYESHA GISELLE

BA MA NLP Mstr

OCN MAC CPHT

Rachel is a life coach, encouraging confidence.

Ayesha is a life and accountability coach helping clients set goals.

Ellen Hoggard | Digital Editor Janette Owen | Sub-Editor Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor

ART & DESIGN Amy-Jean Burns | Head of Product Charlotte Reynell | Creative Lead Rosan Magar | Illustrator

LOUIS OLIVER-BROOKE

CHRIS MOUNSHER

BA HDipCT HCertSAL

BSc PGDip MBACP

Emma Boast | Graphic Designer

Louis is a therapist, crystal healer, Reiki master, and herbalist.

Chris is a humanistic counsellor helping clients break unhealthy patterns.

Alice Greedus | PR Officer alice.greedus@happiful.com

COMMUNICATIONS

CONTRIBUTORS

CHARLOTTE SIMPSON

REBECCA CORNEY

BA MSc PG Dip MBACP

BSc MSc PGDip cpsychol AFBPsS

Charlotte is a couples counsellor and psychosexual therapist.

Rebecca is a psychologist working with older adults.

LAURELE MITCHELL

JACQUELINE DENTON

BA (Hons) PgDip MNCS (Snr Accred)

BA MSc AMAHDip AMACDip

Laurele is a person-centred counsellor specialising in relationship issues.

Jacqueline is a meditation teacher, passionate about helping her clients heal.

SPECIAL THANKS

Graeme Orr, Rachel Coffey, Jacqueline Denton, Rebecca Corney, Bibi Jamieson, Louis Oliver-Brooke, Clare Backhouse, Chris Mounsher, Charlotte Simpson, Ayesha Giselle, Susan Hart, Lucy Sparkes, Nissa Dewshi, Kirstie Lawton, Michele Scarr, Laurele Mitchell

MANAGEMENT

Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma White | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder

SUBSCRIPTIONS

Our nutritionists SUSAN HART

Adamantia Velonis, Katie Conibear, Jenna Farmer, Michelle Elman, Amber Bryce, Daniella Fagan, Philip Sheridan, Deepanshi Gulati

KIRSTIE LAWTON

MFHT MFNT

PhD AfN mBANT

Susan is a nutrition coach, cook, and food writer.

Kirstie is a registered nutritionist and director of You Nutrition Ltd.

NISSA DEWSHI

MICHELE SCARR

dipNT mBANT rCNHC

BA (Hons) Dip Nut

Nissa is a nutritional therapist specialising in fatigue and gut health.

Michele is a nutritional therapist, health coach and CNN lecturer.

LUCY SPARKES

CLARE BACKHOUSE

BA (Hons) Dip CNM

PhD dipION mBANT CNHC

Lucy is a nutritional therapist specialising in digestive disorders and family nutrition.

Clare is a nutritional therapist specialising in energy, mood, and thyroid health.

For new orders and back orders, visit shop.happiful.com, or call Newsstand on +44 (0)1227 277 248 or email subenquiries@newsstand.co.uk

CONTACT

Happiful, c/o Memiah, Building 3, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL Email us at hello@happiful.com

HAPPIFUL FAMILY

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CRISIS SUPPORT If you are in crisis and are concerned for your own safety, call 999 or go to A&E Call Samaritans on 116 123 or email them at jo@samaritans.org

GENERAL LISTENING LINES

Head to happiful. for more com se and supprvices ort

SANEline SANEline offers support and information from 4.30pm–10.30pm: 0300 304 7000 Mind Mind offers advice Mon–Fri 9am–6pm, except bank holidays: 0300 123 3393. Or email: info@mind.org.uk Switchboard Switchboard is a line for LGBT+ support. Open from 10am–10pm: 0300 330 0630. You can email: chris@switchboard.lgbt

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SUPPORT FOR ALZHEIMER’S For those living with Alzheimer’s, and for their family, find support and guidance at alzheimers.org.uk or call their helpline: 0333 150 3456

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LEARN MORE ABOUT COMPLEMENTARY THERAPY Discover therapists practising in your area, and learn about the many options available to you at therapy-directory.org.uk

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INFORMATION ON OCD Find help and advice from the national charity run by, and for, people living with OCD at ocduk.org

Listen to your heart Learn to live life with 'heartfulness' at the core

SHAKE IT OFF (negative energy, that is)

Ditch the drama by learning how to set boundaries

Professor Green gets real with gut health

Now we're c oo k

THE MAGAZINE DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH

! ing

8

FEB 2021 £5.99

QUICK & EASY mouth-watering batch bakes

SPEAK EASY We decipher the 5 love languages & how to express them

An in-depth guide to therapeutic writing

Cover artwork

by Rosan Magar

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ENVIRONMENT

You can now gift a tree, and even watch it grow

The Uplift

We’re all trying to be a bit more aware of the world around us, and the ways that we’re able to make a difference to tackle global climate change. That said, so often we adopt different habits to try to help out, but we’re not always sure of the effect that these actions could be having – until now.

With the aim of helping people understand how they can help the world around them, Treedom is a platform where you can buy a tree remotely, watch it grow from a sapling to a fully-grown tree, and see how much CO2 has been off-set by your contribution.

Supporters are able to pick their own tree variety – choosing from native varieties as well as fruit trees, from mango to avocado, coffee and banana.

The journey is then documented with images and geo-tags, that allow supporters to watch while their contribution flourishes.

And the programme is making a real difference, with 1.5 million trees planted across 17 different countries so far.

Beyond that, by working closely with local NGOs and smallholder farmers, Treedom’s trees bring both environmental and social benefits, leading them to estimate that they have changed the lives of more than 88,000 farmers.

Kindness doesn’t just grow on trees, but with a little bit of imagination, and a dollop of determination, projects like this are changing the world, one act at a time.

Find out more by visiting treedom.net Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

WELLBEING

Gen Z are shunning fad diets

LGBTQ+

Captain Sir Tom Moore joins the rainbow laces campaign He’s without a doubt one of the standout heroes of 2020, and now Captain Sir Tom Moore – who came to national attention after he raised more than £32 million for NHS Charities Together when he walked 100 lengths of his garden – is joining a plethora of famous faces for the #AFanIsAFan campaign.

Organised by LGBTQ+ charity Stonewall, and supported by Barclays, the rainbow laces campaign is now in its fifth consecutive year, with close to one million people buying laces and, by wearing them, pledging to support LGBTQ+ equality in sport.

In a poll, Stonewall found that 65% of British people believe that

it’s important that anti-LGBTQ+ language and abuse at live sporting events is challenged, and yet despite this 43% of LGBTQ+ people think that public sport is not welcoming to them.

There’s clearly more work to be done before we can get to a place where sport feels welcoming and accessible to all, but the #AFanIsAFan campaign, supported by Captain Sir Tom Moore, Joe Wicks, Chris Moyles, Sara Cox, Vicky McClure, and more, is a rainbow-laced step in the right direction.

Find out more by visiting stonewall.org.uk and searching ‘rainbow laces’.

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

Gone are the days when a Pot Noodle and a beer classed as dinner, as new research says that Generation Z – the generation born between 1997 and 2010 – is more likely to be taking care of their health, prioritising sleep, and turning their backs on fad diets.

New research commissioned by global wellness brand Swisse Me revealed that a huge 95% of 18- to 24-year-olds are dedicated to taking vitamins, with 76% shunning fad diets in favour of healthy, sustainable practices.

Following a generation that has a party reputation (the 90s is known for its rave culture), Gen Zs are breaking with tradition.

Results reveal that 73% of survey participants think diet and mental health has a direct impact on health and wellness.

And the days of sleepless nights and living on a few hours’ kip are firmly behind us. Half of Gen Z report mastering the art of getting eight hours’ sleep each night.

With a look to the future, Gen Zs confidently believe that they are far healthier than previous generations. Growing up in an era of social media and with toxic information at their fingertips, the latest research is welcome news, as we see a collective shift in our mindsets towards positively rebuffing diet culture, and redefining what good health means.

Writing | Katie Hoare

happiful.com | February 2021 | 9

WORK

Could working from bed benefit our mental health?

It’s something that many might have flirted with in lockdown, and a skill students have been honing for a while, but did you ever stop to think about how working from your bed could affect your psyche?

In light of the survey by uSwitch that found that 25% of Brits had tried working from their bed, mattress brand OTTY Sleep has been investigating whether ‘WFB’ (work from bed) is really as bad for us as we’ve been warned, and reached out to counsellor Kerry Quigley for more insight.

“Working from the comfort of your bed can feel like a safe calming space, particularly when anxiety is an issue,” says Kerry.

“It can eliminate stressors such as commuting, distractions, and workplace politics. The removal of these stressors enables better time management, increasing productivity and job satisfaction.”

Of course, it’s important to set boundaries between your home and work-life, and your bed might not have the same ergonomic qualities as your desk chair – so make sure you avoid slouching.

But for those who find the comfort of being in familiar surroundings soothing for their mental health, be assured that there’s nothing wrong with swapping corporate for cosy every now and then.

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

happiful.com | February 2021 | 11

Take 5

How d id do? Se you a 'freebi rch e s' at shop.h appifu l.c to find the an om and m swers, ore!

Thinking caps at the ready! Carve out some quiet time and put your brain to the test with this month’s puzzling fun

Kakuros

10

Expert

Beginner

Complete the grids below so that the numbers in each row and column add up to the totals at the edge. You can use the digits one to nine, but remember each number can only be used once in a sum!

3

3

41

9

3

10

Intermediate

10

11

6

30

18

9

7

16

9

8

20

12

4

10

9

10

6

13

21

16

16

13

21

15

18

5

Anagrams

Unscramble the letters to reveal the secret words.

HINT: Qualities more important than what we look like

1. Scampi soon 2. Desks inn 3. Spa ions 4. Ant let 5. Free humus soon

The

wellbeing wrap Tampon tax was officially (finally) scrapped in the UK on 1 January!

About bloody time.

Scotland has taken things a step further, as the first nation to make sanitary products free!

A record-breaking 500,000 people signed up for Veganuary this year.

Packet in

Miley Porritt, a former rough sleeper, is making innovative blankets for homeless people by ironing together used crisp packets. The foil blankets help to preserve heat in sleeping bags, protecting those facing the harsh winter outside.

Now that’s a real life ‘Iron Man’ hero.

NEED TO FOCUS? THANKS TO A VIRAL TIKTOK VIDEO, IT’S BEEN REVEALED THAT THE BEST SONG TO STUDY TO IS THE MARIO KART SOUNDTRACK. IT’S DESIGNED TO KEEP YOU ABSORBED IN THE GAME – GREAT FOR YOUR MEMORY.

NERVOUS ABOUT NEEDLES? We have good news. A recent study in the journal Emotion suggests smiling or grimacing could reduce pain when receiving an injection. While the two expressions might seem like polar opposites, the facial muscles involved are similar. Those with genuine smiles (wrinkles around the eyes and the corners of the mouth rising) and people grimacing experienced 40% less needle pain, than those with neutral expressions. It seems it’s worth showing how you feel, even when facing your fears.

Fancy a cuppa?

England and Brazil confirm equal pay for men’s and women’s national football teams.

Two ‘hugging’ widowed penguins enjoying a view of Melbourne won the Best Photo of 2020.

Scientists have finally settled the age-old debate over how to make a proper brew.

Research from Loughborough University has confirmed the correct way to make a cuppa is by putting the milk in first! This is due to the milk heating unevenly when poured into the hot water, which results in lost flavour. Of course, if you’re a milk last kind of person, you do you. The main thing is to enjoy a regular relaxing tea break. And that’s the tea.

WE MAY WANT TO MAKE THE MOST OF OUR ONE OUTDOOR EXERCISE A DAY, BUT KEEP IT CLEAN! SHOWERSTOYOU.CO.UK DISCOVERED THAT 31% OF PEOPLE WEAR THE SAME GYM CLOTHES FOR UP TO FOUR WORKOUTS BEFORE WASHING THEM.

Walk it out

It’s well-known that nature can do wonders for our wellbeing but, more specifically, the Mental Health Foundation found that 62% of UK adults believe taking a walk reduced stress caused by Covid-19. Almost half of respondents also said that spending time in green spaces helped them to cope with anxiety related to the pandemic. Time to lace up?

Swipe right

The dating scene has certainly changed a lot in the past year, with those initial online chats more crucial than ever, and Tinder’s annual Year in Swipe report has provided a glimpse into how the language of love has evolved.

Trending topics included the NHS, Black Lives Matter, Megxit, and TikTok. Plus chat-up lines took a very relevant turn with creative amourous attempts such as “Wash your hands so you can hold mine,” and bios focused on keeping Covid-safe: “If your mask is around your chin IDFWU.”

WE REALLY SHOULD LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE - IN OUR BEDS, THAT IS. RECENT RESEARCH FOUND WOOFERS OFFER MORE SECURITY, COMFORT AND LESS DISRUPTION THAN OTHER HUMANS. SNUGGLE UP!

A laugh a minute...

Quite literally. A recent study by OnBuy.com has revealed the funniest British sitcom of all time, and you don’t have to “turn it off and on again” to find out the results. The IT Crowd came out on top with 1 minute 44 seconds of laughter per hour, followed closely by Peep Show, and The Inbetweeners. There’s never been a time when we’ve needed a good laugh more, so if you want a show to binge to cheer you up these three British classics could be a great place to start.

What is

Niksen?

We explore the Dutch concept that embraces the true art of doing nothing, on purpose...

Writing | Katie Hoare

W

e’re so accustomed to defining our worth by how busy we are that the art of relaxation has been lost for many of us.

But while this idea of ‘free time’ might not be familiar territory, it’s essential ground to cover. This is niksen, the lifestyle concept of doing nothing, and doing it on purpose.

What is niksen?

The idea of ‘doing nothing’ (the literal translation of niksen) might not sound like anything new, but it’s the intentional part of the act that’s so important. It’s a way of life that puts time for, and dedication to, yourself at the top of the agenda.

And it isn’t just another costly wellness trend.

“I realised that people were fed up with wellness trends telling them they weren’t doing enough, and should work harder at improving themselves,” writes Olga Mecking, author of Niksen: Embracing the Dutch art of doing nothing. “This

14 | February 2021 | happiful.com

refill your cup

Finding balance

Time alone, to press pause and simply let thoughts pass you by, can induce feelings of relaxation, creativity, and cognitive clarity is actually one of the reasons people relate to the concept. It’s the easiest kind of wellness you could possibly imagine.”

Olga explains that to truly understand niksen, you have to unpick your perception of ‘nothing’. “It’s time we start calling a spade a spade, and niksen niksen. If we are browsing Facebook or chilling out with Netflix, let’s call those what they are and not say we’re ‘doing nothing’.”

Getting started

Niksen, at first, is trial and error.

It takes time to build up your ability to be comfortable with doing nothing. You could try watching the world go by through the window for 10 minutes, lying on your bed staring at the ceiling or, my personal favourite, watching your cats play together for a few moments. To niks (do nothing) can take any form that suits you and for however long you feel comfortable with.

Once you’ve managed 10 minutes, try working up towards an hour. If that’s too much all in one go, look for little pockets of niksen-time at work. Instead of gulping down a sandwich at your desk, take five minutes on a bench outside, simply sitting

and letting thoughts come and go as they please. Nisken is about rebalancing all areas of your life.

Why should I embrace niksen?

In Happiful’s 2020 survey on stress, 73% of respondents said they were worried about their mental health and wellbeing, with 68% sharing that they’ve been extremely stressed since September 2020. We know that stress is a driver in many health conditions, particularly as we accelerate in the modern world.

“If left unchecked, chronic and excessive levels of stress (which are often work-related) can accumulate to the point of burnout,” says counsellor Laurele Mitchell. “Burnout can be characterised as feeling drained and exhausted – both physically and emotionally – lacking in motivation, feeling increasingly negative and overwhelmed, and, on occasion, helpless and hopeless. Having been going at 100mph for so long, it’s as if we abruptly, and often unexpectedly, run out of gas, rendering us incapable of keeping up and meeting never-ending demands.”

You don’t have to accept that chronic stress is the way of life: niksen can be a way of life, too.

Laurele suggests that one of the key benefits of niksen is in enabling the body to rebalance into the ‘rest and digest’ phase, which can be helpful when recovering from burnout. “By allowing ourselves to slow down, to do nothing more than stare into space and simply be for a moment, we afford our frazzled minds and bodies some much-needed respite from the hamster’s wheel of constantly and unrelentingly striving for achievement and productivity. Thus allowing our parasympathetic nervous system to work its magic, bringing us back into balance, and restoring at least a modicum of calm.

“Allowing our minds to simply wander can actually foster creativity, enhance problemsolving, and boost productivity.

So it seems that doing nothing is indeed time well spent!”

Time alone, to press pause and simply let thoughts pass you by, can induce feelings of relaxation, creativity, and cognitive clarity.

It’s time to do more niks, on purpose.

Laurele Mitchell is a senior accredited person-centred counsellor, specialising in childhood trauma and relationship issues. Find out more and get in touch with Laurele via counselling-directory.org.uk

happiful.com | February 2021 | 15

How memories shape us

(and what happens if they go)

What is it that makes us, us? Here we explore the role our memories play – and what happens when they’re taken from us Writing | Kat Nicholls

16 | February 2021 | happiful.com

R

ecently, I got around to watching Pixar’s Inside Out, an animation depicting the emotions and inner workings of the mind of an 11-year-old girl as her family moves to a new city. In the film, we see a fun interpretation of how memories are formed, charged with emotion, and stored away, with unimportant memories being tossed aside by cute, jelly beanshaped mind workers.

While this representation is simplified (and sadly there are no jelly bean workers), it got me

find your balance

thinking about memories and how they shape us. A lot of people see memory as an important part of who we are, with philosopher John Locke being one of the first to suggest that memory forms the foundation of our identity.

And this idea makes sense. After all, our experiences make us who we are, right? Well, as I’ve discovered, not necessarily.

If this was truly the case, what happens to those who lose their memory? Does their identity simply vanish along with the memories?

What can affect our memory?

To explore this idea it’s helpful to first think about memory itself, and how it can be affected.

Unlike in Inside Out, our memories are not shiny orbs that can be stored neatly away, they are lots of different and distinct recollections, sprawling throughout our brain. Our long-term memories do indeed have a physical presence in the brain, with similar memories often clumping together. It’s also generally accepted that emotion has an effect on memory – in some cases, it makes an event more memorable, but it can have the opposite effect and lead to memory loss.

Grief, for example, can disintegrate memories.

Studies have shown that those experiencing “complicated grief” (when feelings of grief don’t ease over time) can find it difficult to recall memories that don’t involve the loved one who’s passed, while for others the trauma of the experience plays a role. After her mother died, Callsuma Ali became her father’s primary carer for seven years but, after his death earlier this year, Callsuma’s memory of this time has faded.

“I only remember the last three years clearly, as I have pictures and videos, but the seven years I was at home with him after my mum passed is a blur,” Callsuma says. “I’ve been told I put in place most of his care, took him to hospital appointments, and helped manage his dementia, but I really can’t remember.”

Trauma is often linked to memory loss. Lorraine Matthews didn’t become aware of her missing memories until she had a flashback during therapy where she realised she’d been abused by her father.

“One of the most difficult things was that I didn’t have a narrative memory to go with the knowledge,” Lorraine explains.

“I still don’t, even though subsequent events have proved that I was right.”

For Lorraine, this trauma formed a crack and she was diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder in 2016. This has, understandably, made the connection between memory and identity complicated.

“My personality is split by the trauma. I have ‘parts’,” Lorraine says. “So, the part I think of most as ‘me’ is an adult part of the personality. The one who is unaware of the trauma on a narrative level and is able to cope with everyday life.

“Then there are the parts of my personality that hold the trauma memories. Parts that are terrified, unaware that we are now safe. For me, these parts are around all the time, but I’m often only aware of them if something triggers me.”

Dementia, and especially Alzheimer’s disease, are other conditions associated with memory loss. This can be devastating to the person living with the condition, and those around them. The way memories shift and slip depends on the diagnosis, and how progressed the disease is. >>>

happiful.com | February 2021 | 17

Some events, regardless of our memory of them, can score a deep line in the book of our lives

Then we have brain injury, a memory thief that comes unannounced and typically follows an accident where the brain has been damaged. Again, the way this affects memory will differ from person to person, with some people losing past memories, while others are unable to form new ones.

How does memory loss impact identity?

As you may expect, there are no clear cut answers here, and the truth is that it will depend on the person who’s experienced the memory loss. When Claire fell off her bike in 2014, she went into a coma and experienced memory loss. She believes we are who we are despite absent memories, and that, even when they’re not remembered, events and emotions can still impact us as people.

“I don’t remember much of my life when I was rehabilitating – it

18 | February 2021 | happiful.com

feels far removed from who I am now, and who I was before the injury,” says Claire. “But I believe it’s impact on my life does form a part of my identity. It made me a little bit more resourceful, resilient, dependent on God, and content with less.”

Some events, regardless of our memory of them, can score a deep line in the book of our lives.

For some, a helpful approach is to simply turn the page and move forward. At Headway East London, a charity supporting those with brain injuries, the community has been set up to rely less on previous life narratives. Occupational therapist at Headway, Laura Jacobs, explains: “I have learned to focus on the other ways in which our identities can be formed or shaped. In Headway, members’ identities are located in the future, rather than their past.

“There is always something being created – a project, piece

of art, performance, or lunch to plan for, and members are transformed into actors in times where the identity is located in the present and the future.”

Laura also notes that our sense of self relies on our roles and how we relate to others. “We are all daughters and sons, maybe parents or siblings, pet owners, and friends. These are huge roles and we could do better to cultivate them! I now actively look for other ways that identity can be developed which don’t rely on memory, but rather on something that connects us to the here and now. Whether this involves creating something, or a way of connecting with someone.”

Counselling psychologist Rebecca Corney explains that alongside our roles, our moral traits can also hold significance, with research indicating that moral identity is of more importance than memory in preserving a sense of self in dementia.

“Our moral traits, including our empathy, compassion, and our value systems, are relatively preserved in Alzheimer’s disease, and say more about us than our memories.”

Who we are, then, cannot be limited to the memories we hold. Certain experiences will no doubt affect our identity, but it isn’t necessarily the memory of these events that defines us, but our reaction to them.

Our identity is a tapestry, with different strands braiding together to make us, us.

I now actively look for other ways that identity can be developed which don’t rely on memory, but rather on something that connects us to the here and now

Making adjustments If you’ve experienced memory loss, you may feel a shift in your identity, but there are adjustments you can make to help you cope. Laura Jacobs, from Headway, recommends focusing on things that are less dependent on your past life narrative to define identity.

“This may be creating a new role – such as an artist, cook, or volunteer, or learning a new skill. Keeping your gaze to the current moment rather than the past can also really help with feeling grounded. I highly recommend meditation or mindfulness activities which bring you back to your body and the moment.”

Counselling psychologist Rebecca Corney also highlights the power of talking therapies.

“Psychology has much to offer people living with memory problems, whether this is support for relatives or the person themselves. For people living with dementia, there are some interventions available on the NHS, such as cognitive stimulation therapy, to help maintain and improve cognition and memory.”

A common thread that weaves itself through any advice in regard to memory loss (whether you’re the one affected or someone you love) is to be patient. Understand that things may work differently and may take more time than

before. Surround yourself with support, get professional advice, and know that who you are will always run deeper than memory.

Rebecca Corney is a counselling psychologist, who specialises in working with older adults and their families, as well as offering supervision and training to colleagues. Learn more about Rebecca and find a counsellor to support you at counselling-directory.org.uk Read more personal experiences of brain injury at whoareyounow.org

happiful.com | February 2021 | 19

Five benefits of

mindful cooking Stuck in a food rut, cooking the same old meals over and over again? Here, mindfulness teacher Adamantia Velonis explains how to put wellbeing firmly on the menu Writing | Adamantia Velonis

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ou may have heard of ‘mindful eating’ – taking the time to tune-in to the smells, flavours, and textures of our food – but have you considered starting the process before you plate-up? In ‘mindful cooking’ an awareness of the ‘here and now’ is cultivated at all stages of cooking: from selecting ingredients, to preparing a meal, and even being deliberate about how you spend your time while waiting for various elements to be ‘done.’ But, like mindful eating, mindful cooking can help us develop a deeper relationship with ourselves – here’s how…

1. IT CAN HELP YOU MANAGE DIFFICULT EMOTIONS, SUCH AS ANXIETY OR STRESS Cooking is deeply immersive, as all our senses are stimulated simultaneously – from texture, to taste, sound, temperature, visual cues, and the many aromas. By distracting us from unproductive thoughts, and providing feelings of control or mastery, cooking can support stress management.

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Illustrating | Rosan Magar

It provides a ‘pause’. We have to focus on the task at hand, and this can help to shift our mindset when we return to the problem we are facing later. The methodical nature of cooking reminds us of the importance of breaking tasks down into smaller parts, so that they feel less overwhelming. Mindful cooking gives us the space to see the lessons in the process, so that they can be applied to challenges outside of the kitchen, too.

2. IT'S AN ACCESSIBLE FORM OF SELF-CARE Self-care is any activity that we do to specifically look after our wellbeing – whether physical, emotional, or mental. It’s an activity that we enjoy and can keep coming back to because it ‘revitalises’ us. Mindful cooking is an easy way to schedule in some essential self-care because we all need to eat. Over the weekend, we might block out some alone time in the kitchen to try our hand at a technique that

challenges us, or we might make a favourite meal with a loved one during the week to connect through a shared activity.

3. IT IMPROVES OUR MENTAL FOCUS We are constantly distracted by our devices and the digital environment. But, by bringing mindfulness to the cooking process, we can train our awareness. We can be deliberate about creating a calm, distractionfree environment before cooking – leave your phone in the other

feel-good food

room, try using physical cookbooks, or turning off notifications if you’re using an online recipe. Think about how you are going to manage your time if it’s a more involved recipe, and develop a ‘game plan’. This will make it easier to remain focused once you start, and you will be less likely to be interrupted.

4. IT HELPS TO DEVELOP PERSONAL CONFIDENCE There is an art to following a recipe and mastering the fundamentals.

But, beyond that, a recipe is merely a guide. Taste isn’t objective, and it is deeply linked to our personal memories and early experiences.

Mindful cooking helps you to develop an awareness of your palate and have the confidence to express it. Seen in this light, cooking is an opportunity to be creative in daily life, to use our instincts to judge when something is ‘done’, and to be attentive to the ingredients we’re

using. Feeling confident about knowing when you can improvise in the kitchen can help you to apply creative problem-solving to other areas of your life.

5. IT HELPS YOU CONNECT WITH LOVED ONES OR YOUR COMMUNITY Cooking ignites the senses, especially smell. Interestingly, our sense of smell is deeply connected to our involuntary memory.

This is why we often turn to our favourite comfort foods, because making a meal that we associate with a positive time in our lives can help us access those feelings in the present. Be aware of this emotional aspect of food and prepare recipes that are meaningful to you. For example, a favourite childhood meal or a dish made as part of cultural celebrations. Setting a loving intention before we cook encourages us to

extend this feeling of warmth to other aspects of our lives.

Seeing cooking as an opportunity to extend your mindfulness practise, can turn cooking from being purely functional to a selfdevelopment journey.

Adamantia Velonis is a certified mindfulness teacher and founder of marmaladeandkindness.com

Head to p40 for recipe inspo happiful.com | February 2021 | 21

“

Sometimes, the smallest things take up the most room in your heart A A MILNE, WINNIE THE POOH

Photography | Chi Nguyen Phung

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find your balance

Reconnect with your true self Ever feel disconnected from your true self? Use these five prompts to evaluate your needs, desires, and the things that drive you – so that you can take the next step with confidence Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

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hroughout our lives, we inevitably go through periods of feeling a bit lost, with a weaker sense of who we are and what we want. This might be following an important transition in our lives – for example, the birth of a child, or the start of a new career – and it can begin to unsettle our relationships with ourselves, as well as others.

“Getting to know yourself is not easy, but definitely a journey full of benefits that are well worth exploring,” says Ayesha Giselle, a life and

accountability coach. “Your self-awareness will allow you to understand your abilities, strengths, weaknesses, your likes and dislikes, your boundaries, triggers, and values – and it will help you to show up more confidently and authentically, supporting you to become a person you like, love, and enjoy.”

As a new year begins, to help you start a dialogue with yourself to evaluate your wants, needs, and values, we’ve collected together five key questions to ask, so that you can get to know yourself better.

1. If I had to describe myself in one word, what would it be?

Kind, ambitious, funny, confident, generous, adventurous, intuitive? It may seem like a big challenge to sum yourself up in just one word, but getting there will help you discover a key quality that you’re able to identify in yourself.

If you find the challenge difficult, whether that’s because you can think of too many things, or you find it hard to decide the one, reflect on why that might be. >>>

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You might struggle with your focus, or maybe you haven’t stopped to think about your characteristics like this before.

Whatever you might conclude, acknowledge the process and evaluate what it can teach you.

2. Where do I want to be in one week, one month, and a year’s time?

A goal of any sort, whether big or small, can help to set our focus.

And we don’t have to tackle it all at once. By this time next week, is there something that you would like to achieve? Perhaps it’s to spend an evening dedicated to self-care, or to finish reading your book.

In a month, you might want to have learned a new skill, or spent some time with someone special to you. And then in a year, maybe you want to be somewhere else in your career, or have finally got round to that big experience you’ve been dreaming of.

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Our goals are personal to us, and so often they exist only in the abstract. Take some time out to jot down what you want to achieve, and then take a look over what you have come up with, to see what it can tell you about what you need to prioritise, and what might be preventing you from moving towards these goals.

3. What is my happiest memory?

To look forwards, it can help to look back. Think back to a time when you were really happy. It might be from your childhood, or even last month! What was it about this memory that makes it so happy?

Would that same thing make you feel just as happy today –

find your balance

To look forwards, sometimes it can help to look back would you still respond in the same way? This question can both show us how our needs evolve over time, and remind us of our core values, likes, and dislikes.

4. What am I like when I’m alone?

Keen to explore yourself more?

Here are some self-awareness activities you could try: • Reconnect with nature • Mindful meditation • Breathing exercises • Daily journaling

Whether it’s in the workplace or at social gatherings, we all have to adapt the way that we present ourselves throughout the day.

It’s a natural thing to do, and it’s part of understanding social situations and getting on with other people.

But at the end of the day, when you’re on your own, what are you like? What’s your focus, or your default mood? What activities do you find yourself drawn to? What music do you listen to, or films do you watch? Reflect on this question and, if you find it hard to answer, perhaps try to schedule in some alone time, so you can concentrate on tuning-in.

5. What really matters to me?

What things make your heart sing, or your blood boil?

You might be very passionate about a particular cause – if so, take some time to think about what it is about that cause that matters so much to you. It may be your job, or your friends, or your family. It could be a hobby, or volunteer work. Or it might even be the dream that you’re still set on chasing.

When we understand what’s driving us forward, it’s easier to take the next step with confidence.

Ayesha Giselle is a life and accountability coach working with change-seekers. Find out more by visiting lifecoach-directory.org.uk

happiful.com | February 2021 | 25

Creative

expression

If voicing your thoughts and emotions out loud feels intimidating, why not try therapeutic writing, which could do wonders for your mental health?

Writing | Katie Conibear

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here are many ways that the arts can guide us through difficult times – one of which is through therapeutic writing. You don’t need an English degree, to be the next Shakespeare, or even be a regular writer to try it. The goal is not to have a beautifully written end product. Instead, it’s more about the process, and what you get out of it, that’s important.

So what is therapeutic writing?

It’s essentially putting pen to paper to help the writer deal with difficult emotions and events.

The act of writing is a cathartic experience, which can help you learn to express feelings that you might not necessarily be able

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to speak out loud. What’s more, therapeutic writing can give you a sense of empowerment and control over difficult life events and feelings.

“Writing, in a similar way to talking to a therapist, can help when we’re feeling low or anxious by enabling us to order our thoughts,” counsellor and psychotherapist Lucy Fuller says, explaining how writing can support our mental wellbeing. “Our agitated minds can focus on one particular area of difficulty, and then go in all sorts of directions, catastrophising and analysing events and interactions, making our heads almost burst with a noisy confusion of thoughts.

Writing down your thoughts is a way of ordering and organising the busyness in our minds and, by getting the thinking ‘outside of your head’, you have effectively released some of the pressure.”

Therapeutic writing can give meaning to your life experiences, and even help you to view them from a new, healthier perspective. It can lead to revelations and insights about yourself and your life, which might not have been possible without setting aside introspective writing time.

This all sounds great, but what do you do when this type of writing brings up difficult emotions and experiences? I asked Lucy Fuller for her advice.

refill your cup

The goal is not to have a beautifully written end product. Instead, it’s more about the process, and what you get out of it

“Feeling and experiencing the pent up emotions we hold inside our minds and bodies can be very difficult, but in many ways this is a necessary part of coming to terms with whatever is it that’s making us feel this way and, by allowing ourselves to express them, we are effectively alleviating the uncomfortable pressure of holding them inside ourselves. If your emotions are overwhelming, make sure you can get in contact with someone

who can support you, and reassure you that it is OK to feel this way.”

Therapeutic writing has been shown to benefit people living with mental illnesses, those dealing with grief and loss, with low self-esteem, or people going through relationship issues.

Writing also has a multitude of other benefits, such as improving your memory, and helping you relax at the end of the day.

How to get started

Choose a format that works for you – it could be an online blog, or just a classic notebook and pen. Ensure you allocate time each day to writing, to get into the habit, and find a place where you feel comfortable and secure, where you’re able to sit down and focus.

Once you’re comfortable with your surroundings, think about what you want to write about and reflect on it by closing your eyes, >>>

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taking some deep breaths, and focusing. Remember that when you’re ready to write, there’s no judgment. Use your own voice, and write as if no one else will read it – this will help your writing to be more authentic.

And finally, go at your own pace; it’s fine if you write a few words, or several pages.

Staring at a blank page can feel daunting. So to help you get started, here are a few handy prompts:

1. Make a timeline of events that have impacted your mental health. This can give you experiences you can begin to explore through writing.

2. Write about your life right now, in this moment. Thinking about your emotions in the here and now can help you understand yourself better, and what you need.

3. Spend five to 10 minutes writing in a stream of consciousness. That includes writing down whatever comes to mind, without overthinking or analysing your thoughts. It might reveal what’s at the forefront of your mind – and what you need to explore.

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4. Try writing letters. They can be to yourself – either you right now, or your past or future self.

Write letters to people that are in, or you used to be in, your life.

Write down everything you’ve ever wanted to say, but felt like you couldn’t.

5. If there’s an event you’re worried about, try writing about it in the third person. This makes it less personal, and you can detach yourself from it. This can help you see the situation more clearly, and hopefully from a different perspective.

6. Use sentence stems – these are the beginnings of a sentence that act as writing prompts. It could be: “The elephant in the room is…”; “I have trouble sleeping when…”; “The thing I am most anxious about is…”

When you’ve finished writing, it’s important to read and reflect on what you’ve written, to truly understand your words. This reflection is where you may discover new insights, have a better understanding of your thoughts and emotions, and hopefully move forward from difficult experiences. What you do with what you’ve written is your choice; you could keep it,

Staying safe:

• Therapeutic writing can bring up difficult emotions.

Talking this through with someone you trust may help you deal with these.

• It’s important to find support if you’re struggling. If you’re very unwell ensure you speak to your GP or a mental health professional.

• You may want to try therapeutic writing with the support of a therapist – to help guide you through what you discover.

never look at it again, or even rip it up and throw it away. Do whatever feels right to you!

Katie Conibear is a writer who blogs at stumblingmind.com. Her first book, ‘Living at the Speed of Light’, about bipolar disorder, is due out in March 2021.

Lucy Fuller is a counsellor and psychotherapist. You can find out more about her work and get in touch with her on counselling-directory.org.uk

try this at home

Essential decluttering tips A good clear-out is often overdue, yet also overwhelming. But thanks to these five simple tips, you can make the task much more manageable

Put a timer on it

Visualise the space

Make it mindful

While some people love a session of deep-cleaning, if you’re not a fan make it more manageable with small bursts of dedicated time. Set a 15-minute timer, and really commit to the clean – no distractions, and give it your all. When the alarm sounds, you’re free to stop, job done. Or crack on for another 15 if you fancy it. The choice is yours.

Picture how you want your cluttered room to look. Focus on the furniture, the decorative items, as well as the bits and pieces that have made their way here but maybe don’t belong. Once you’ve got an idea in mind of how you ideally would keep the space, it’s much easier to see what you need to remove, rehome, or recycle.

Cleaning up can be much more appealing if you change your perspective. Rather than viewing it as a chore, see it as self-care.

Taking the time to make your home a comforting space creates a positive environment for your mental health. Plus, by focusing on each task, and being present in the moment, you can add some mindfulness to your day.

Declutter, with no hang ups...

Want to clear out your wardrobe, but find it hard to part with clothes – best to keep it, just in case right?

We’ve all been there, but try this tip: have your hangers all facing the same direction. Every time you wear something, flip the hanger when it goes back in. After six months (or whatever time you decide), have a look through, and bag up for the charity shop those clothes not getting your attention.

Focus on five Short on time? Pick just five things you need to put away, or clear out. A little goes a long way, and if you keep this up every day, you’ll have achieved a lot by the end of the week!

happiful.com | February 2021 | 29

Ask the experts Complementary therapist Louis Oliver-Brooke answers your questions on crystal healing Read more about Louis on therapy-directory.org.uk

Q

What exactly is crystal healing, and how it can help?

A

Crystal healing is a holistic, non-invasive, vibrational energy-based system of healing.

It works on the premise that we all vibrate at a certain frequency, and when the body is out of balance, this frequency also becomes out of balance.

Q

I’m looking to buy some crystals – which ones would you recommend for a beginner?

A

When starting out with crystal healing, there is no real definitive answer to which ones you should start with. See which ones you are drawn to, and choose those. When you first hold a crystal you will know if it’s right for you as your vibration

Each crystal also vibrates at different frequencies and, when used on the body, these crystals absorb, focus, direct, and diffuse energy as they interact with the electromagnetic forces and subtle vibrations within the human or environmental energy field, restoring the body to a normal vibration.

Crystal healing can be a really beneficial complementary therapy that can help with and the vibration of the crystal will match, the crystal may tingle in your hand, heat up, or feel heavy. These are all signs that that crystal is meant for you.

Crystals such as clear quartz, amethyst, rose quartz, and hematite, are all great crystals to initially explore. Or, a chakra crystal set – seven crystals that correspond to the seven major chakras of the body – would be a good place to start. If you are drawn to a particular crystal, you probably need it.

many ailments, including balance, easing stress and anxiety, as well as spiritual healing.

Top tips for those looking to start their crystal healing journey: Be open to every experience, no matter how subtle it is.

There are signs everywhere just wanting to be seen, and you have to be open to see them.

Be realistic, you are not going to be able to learn the properties of every single crystal in the world. Don’t be disheartened if you have to use a reference book to look up a particular crystal, it's all part of the learning.

Most importantly, follow your intuition. It is there to guide you and, if it feels right, then chances are it is right.

Therapy Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

wellbeing

Q

I’ve heard you need to cleanse crystals.

Why is this, and how can I do it?

A

Yes, it is particularly important to cleanse crystals both when you first get them, and after each time you use them. Crystals absorb the energy of their surroundings, and the people who use them – including negative energy.

Cleansing them will remove this energy, and restore the crystal to its original healing vibration.

There are many ways of cleansing crystals. You can run them under water, either the tap or in a free-flowing stream. This method is not for all crystals, as some can dissolve in water (selenite, for example).

You can also leave them outside in the light of the full moon, pass them through cleansing incense (such as dragon’s blood) or, if you are Reiki practitioner, use Reiki to cleanse them. Find the way that’s best suited to you, but ensure you do it with all new crystals, and after each use.

5 ways I’ve found me again since becoming a mum

Becoming a parent is life-changing in many ways, but with much of your baby’s first years centred on their development and milestones, some new mums can lose their own identity in the process. Outside of the nappy changes, baby classes, and lullabies, how can new mums connect with themselves again?

Writing | Jenna Farmer

I

’ll be honest: the moment I found out I was pregnant, I was terrified.

There was no doubt that I wanted to become a parent (I’d even had fertility treatments in the past), but I was petrified at how life would never be the same again.

My son arrived in May 2019 and, at first, I was so completely wrapped up in bonding with him that work, friends, and hobbies didn’t seem to matter

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as much. But a few months on, with sleep deprivation in full swing, my feelings of awe gave way to ones of resentment and loneliness.

My husband’s life had seemingly gone back to normal after two weeks of paternity leave, but I didn’t even recognise myself in the mirror. Not only did I look physically different, but my life had completely changed, too. I felt like everything that had defined me – my work, my friends, my

hobbies – had gone, and the only role I had was to be a mother. And don’t get me started on baby brain; I thought it was just the punchline to a joke, but I struggled to get out of the house most days without leaving something behind.

Don’t get me wrong, it is the most rewarding role of all, but I felt like I’d lost the person I was before. I couldn’t remember the last time I had a conversation that didn’t revolve around nappies or bottles.

Who was I?

refill your cup

Now, 18 months on, I finally feel as if I’ve worked hard to find who I am again: both as a mum, and outside of it. Here are five things that I found really beneficial, and I hope might help you...

1. Learn something new There’s a temptation to use nap time to tidy the nursery or tackle the washing up, but it’s pretty much the only part of the day you’re not holding the baby, so why not use it to do something for you? At the start of lockdown in the UK, I set myself a simple goal of spending 15 minutes a day learning something new.

There are so many different online courses, and committing to just spending a short burst of time learning about something that isn’t baby related can be really helpful and constructive.

2. Get outside and exercise In those early postpartum days, I barely moved off the sofa, but once you are more recovered, exercise can help you feel as if you can conquer anything. I know there are plenty of mum and baby exercise classes, but during the summer, I took up running in the evening, as soon my husband got home from work. Those 30 minutes just for me meant I actually looked forward to exercise, and it cleared my head so I could enjoy my evening. >>>

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Support groups for new mums • Mumsmeetup.com helps mums across the UK connect to socialise and find support.

• Search ‘Mums Matter’ on mind.org.uk to access perinatal mental health support developed by mums, for mums.

• Join ‘The Motherload’ Facebook group for non-judgemental venting and laughter at all aspects of raising kids.

Find more local support groups across the country on the free Happiful app.

3. Don’t feel guilty if you want to return to work I returned to work officially after eight months, but also used my keeping-in-touch days before that.

Much of the decision to return to work was, of course, financial, but I’ll be honest, a lot of it was also because I really wanted to get back to the job I loved, and that made me feel like ‘me’ again.

Every mum is different, with regards to choosing to spend longer at home or wanting to return to work sooner. Don’t let anyone judge you for the decisions you make – you have to do what’s right for you.

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4. Chuck out your pre-baby clothes Another reason I felt so disconnected from myself as a new mum was because I physically changed so much during pregnancy – even my shoe size got bigger! Not only did much of my wardrobe not fit, but a lot of my old clothes just didn’t feel practical with a baby around. So rather than look at it longingly in my wardrobe, I took clothes to the charity shop. This was a chance to treat myself and find a new style for the new me.

5. It’s good to talk Sometimes you can feel as if you’re a bad mother for wanting ‘me time’, but lots of your friends will feel the same way – even that mum at the baby

group who seemingly has it all together. Snatching moments to have conversations about how you’re feeling is really important, and even better if it can be done over Facetime with a glass of wine while your baby is tucked up in bed.

It’s also worth noting that talking to a professional might help, too. Around one in 10 mums struggle with postnatal depression, so if your feelings persist, talk to your doctor who will be able to recommend support networks, medication, or talking therapies that can help. I struggled with severe postnatal anxiety after my son was born, and was referred for cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), which has helped hugely.

It might not seem like it now but, one day, I promise you will feel yourself again. Being a mum is an amazing thing, but don’t forget all the things that make you amazing too.

Jenna Farmer is a freelance journalist who specialises in perinatal mental health and gut health. She has Crohn’s disease and blogs about her journey at abalencedbelly.co.uk

find your balance

Self-love affirmations When you need a pick-me-up, say these words to yourself

Cut around the lines and place them in a jar. Pull one out when you need a boost.

I accept myself unconditionally My thoughts and feelings matter I deserve good things

I have unique talents

I have so much to offer the world I am worthy of love

I am enough

I am kind

I am trying the best I can

I will rise to challenges

I am proud of myself

My body deserves to be treated with respect I am worthy of kindness and self-compassion I have the power to create change I am always learning & growing

I am courageous

To d a y I w i l l t r y t o b e t h e b e s t v e r s i o n o f m y s e l f

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“

Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom ARISTOTLE

Photography | Gemma Chua-Tran

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true story

Addressing my emotional world For years, Daniella experienced unexplained chronic pain. But when she stumbled across some information on the mind-body connection, things started to make sense Writing | Daniella Fagan

A

bout a year ago, I couldn’t sit up in a chair, walk more than a couple of steps, or get a good night’s sleep. I was in so much pain 24/7 that my head ached from all the tablets I was taking to numb the agony in my body. The muscles in my back were as hard as rocks – burning hot electric rocks – and so tight that they twisted me up like a crooked stick. My mental health suffered as I faced a life of solitude, constant pain, and the isolating depression that came with that.

I had suffered from headaches a lot previously, but the back pain that jumped into my life with no warning was brand new. It started gradually in 2015 and got progressively worse until I couldn’t go a day without serious pain medication and a lot of rest. It screamed at me like an alarm bell ringing constantly around my mind.

I fought with this debilitating condition for about three years, as I was batted between doctors, traumatologists, surgeons, specialists, chiropractors, physical therapists, and osteopaths. Nothing worked. In fact, every treatment I had – including electrodes, laser treatments, and daily steroid injections – made me worse. The only thing that they could find was a herniated disc which, despite looking really scary on MRI, apparently wasn’t bad enough to be causing me that much pain. I was

devastated, believing this was going to be my life forever. I ended up in a wheelchair at times, and was utterly broken inside.

As you can imagine, my mental health suffered greatly. The more fear I had and the more despair I felt, the worse the symptoms got – which totally makes sense, now that I understand what was happening to me.

Purely by chance, one day I noticed someone posting about their back pain on Facebook, and a friend had commented about a book called Healing Back Pain by Dr John E Sarno. I was thoroughly sceptical at the time, but I was also utterly desperate and willing to try anything.

Dr Sarno was a pioneer in his field, and spent his career educating patients and practitioners about the mind-body connection. His theory was that repressed emotions and unaddressed past traumas can cause our nervous systems to become stuck in a ‘stress response’ mode called fight-or-flight. This is our body’s primitive natural defence mechanism that kicks in to help us flee or fight a predator or threat.

By not addressing my feelings properly, and therefore not allowing myself to process traumatic events or threatening scenarios in my life, I was literally toxifying my body with an immense amount of stress. As a result, a number of physical symptoms had shown up throughout my life. >>>

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For more from Daniella visit her website, mytmsjourney.com

Back pain is one of the most common areas for mind-body issues to manifest, so it’s no surprise that back pain is also one of the most frequent complaints in GP practices every year. Other common mind-body symptoms are migraines, chronic fatigue, widespread pain often diagnosed as fibromyalgia, gut problems such as IBS, skin conditions like psoriasis and eczema, pelvic pain, and sciatica. Collectively, these conditions are called tension myositis syndrome (TMS), otherwise known as the mindbody syndrome or just ‘stress illness’.

I’m not saying all chronic pain is caused by suppressed emotion. Neither am I saying that my pain was all in my head. The symptoms were very real, and felt exactly the same as an injury or tissue damage of some kind. But my pain was not created by my physical body, it was created by my brain and was exacerbated by my nervous system being on constant high alert.

My emotional world was like a big simmering pot of water. The pot has a limited capacity, but the more emotion and turmoil we suppress, the more the pot fills and boils. At some point, if the volume in the pot isn’t reduced, it’s going to overflow and cause problems.

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Our mind and our body are the same things, not separate entities. When we’re nervous, our palms sweat and our tummy aches. After a long stressful day at work, our heads hurt, our mouths are dry, and our bodies feel tense. These are just a few examples of the power of the mind-body connection in our day-to-day lives.

Journaling peeled back all the layers of protection I had built up around myself for years, and allowed me to just sit with my real self I went down the rabbit hole of research into Dr Sarno’s work and found a successor of his called Nicole J Sachs, based in Delaware USA. She worked with him for years as a psychotherapist to his patients, and designed her own form of expressive writing therapy called JournalSpeak.

One of Dr Sarno’s main recovery principles is to address the emotions that you’ve successfully buried for so long in the form of daily journaling.

Journaling peeled back all the layers of protection I had built up around myself for years,

true story

and allowed me to just sit with my real selfand heal her. It sounds ridiculous, believe me, I know it does, but by releasing these emotions, it was teaching me how to really feel.

The recovery timeline is very different for everyone, but after about two months of consistent practise and more learning along the way, I started to have pain-free days – whole days! Then the days turned into weeks and, to cut a long story short, here I am today, completely chronic pain-free, anxiety-free (for the most part!), and no longer living in fear of my body, convinced that something is broken.

Shockingly, I am now grateful for my pain and what it taught me. Since recovering, and with Covid-19 changing my day-to-day work life

significantly, I decided to write my story into an online stress-illness survival guide, to help other people do the same as I did, from home, for free.

When I had recovered enough to restart my life, I decided to fulfil a lifelong dream I had fantasised about for years, I went to India to train to become a yoga teacher. I now teach others in the chronic pain community to overcome the fear of movement, and settle their nervous system out of fight or flight to propel their recovery forwards, just like I did.

Since recovering, I’ve reinvented my whole life.

I’ve become much more resilient, courageous, honest, and protective of the peace this work has given me. I fully accept myself for exactly who I am these days – something I’ve never been comfortable with in the past. I can only wish the same for you. I know this is hard to believe, but keep an open mind and do some research of your own. If you try this approach, and you’re anything like me, you’ll be even more surprised at what you find out about yourself.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Daniella’s story is a uniquely interesting expression of self-discovery, and how that fits into the world around us. In a time when we’re being bombarded with new information, and trying to navigate our way through, you’ll notice just how quickly things can change. What was true yesterday may be seen in a different light tomorrow.

Although we need a foundation that feels grounded in truth, what’s also true is that we make new discoveries every day. If you’ve been feeling stuck, maybe it’s time to see what’s possible beyond what you thought you knew.

Rachel Coffey | BA MA NLP Mstr Life coach

happiful.com | February 2021 | 39

Batch made in heaven!

Take it easy in 2021 with a bunch of simple, nutritious, and delicious batch bakes Writing | Katie Hoare

I

f 2020 has taught me anything, it’s that being kind to myself and taking it easy are both absolutely necessary, and should be shame-free. We’re so used to only praising ourselves when we’ve worked a full day, completed a workout, done the washing, and then cooked a hearty, intricate meal from scratch. But, this year, it’s all about simplicity, nutrition, versatility and, most importantly, batch baking!

We’ve got eight recipes that tick those boxes to make your working weeks a little easier this time around. Pick a rainy Sunday afternoon, and fire up the oven...

Meet our nutritionist panel For more recipes and insight with your diet, visit nutritionist-resource.org.uk

Susan Hart MFHT MFNT

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Lucy Sparkes

BA (Hons) Dip CNM

Nissa Dewshi

dipNT mBANT rCNHC

Kirstie Lawton PhD AfN mBANT

Michele Scarr

BA (Hons) Dip Nut

feel-good food

Vegan granola Serves 7 Ingredients • 100g coconut oil, melted • 200g rolled oats • 2 tsp cinnamon • 50g walnuts, chopped • 50g almonds, chopped • 30g desiccated coconut • 20g chia seeds • 50ml maple syrup Method • Preheat the oven to 180°C. Line two baking trays with parchment and set aside.

• Melt the coconut oil either in the microwave or on the stove.

• In a large bowl, combine all the ingredients with the melted coconut oil, apart from the maple syrup.

• Lay out the granola evenly on baking trays and drizzle over the maple syrup. Bake in the oven for approx 20 minutes, turning the granola over after 10 minutes.

• Leave to cool before transferring to an airtight container. Eat within two weeks.

Susan Hart, nutrition coach, cook and food writer, says: “Oats are so beneficial to the body, delivering fibre to keep our digestive health on track. As a prebiotic, they help nourish and restore healthy gut bacteria. We also need good fats and protein; this is where the nuts and chia seeds are useful. It’s easy to adjust the flavour by swapping the nuts, and you could add linseeds, or pumpkin seeds to increase the nutrient diversity.”

Method • Preheat the oven to 180°C and grease a muffin tray.

• I n a large bowl, whisk the eggs and milk together with the black pepper and chilli flakes. Stir in the spinach, tomatoes, chives and spring onions.

• Divide the mixture evenly into 12 muffin cups, and place in the oven for approximately 20 minutes, or until a toothpick comes out clean.

• Let the muffins cool before storing them in an airtight container in the fridge.

Savoury brekkie muffins Makes 12 Ingredients • 12 large eggs • 60ml milk • 1 tsp black pepper • 1 tsp chilli flakes • 150g spinach, chopped • 100g cherry tomatoes, sliced • Handful of chives, chopped • 2 spring onions, chopped

Nutritional therapist Lucy Sparkes, who specialises in digestive disorders and family nutrition, says: “Eggs provide the perfect start to the day, helping with energy, brain function and satiety levels, and I love the addition of the spices – well-known for their therapeutic properties.

“Black pepper has anti-inflammatory properties. Inflammation is associated with many chronic health conditions, so antioxidants are important inclusions in modern diets. Chilli stimulates metabolism and helps to burn fat, which some say may help healthy weight management. Overall a tasty, energising meal to kick-start your day.” >>>

happiful.com | February 2021 | 41

Spicy lentil and squash soup Serves 4 Ingredients • 2 tsp olive oil • 1 red onion, diced • 2 garlic cloves, chopped • 2 carrots, peeled and chopped • 1 butternut squash, peeled and chopped • 2 tsp hot paprika • 3-inch piece fresh ginger, peeled and chopped • 1l boiling vegetable stock • 100g red lentils • 2 tsp black pepper • Handful of pumpkin seeds, to serve (optional) Method • Heat the oil in a deep pan on a medium heat. Add the onions and garlic, and fry until soft.

• Add the carrot, butternut squash, paprika and ginger, and sauté for approx 4 minutes.

• Add the boiling vegetable stock, lentils and a good grind of black pepper, and stir gently.

• Bring to the boil, then reduce heat to simmer and cover for approx 20 minutes.

• Check the squash is soft, and then blitz to a soup with a blender stick. If you don’t have a blender, using a potato masher will also work as long as the veg is very tender. Be careful as soup stays hot for a long while. Add a few splashes of warm water if it’s too thick.

• Ladle it into a bowl and serve with a sprinkling of pumpkin seeds, and a hunk of wholemeal bread.

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“A great source of protein, lentils provide a number of nutritional benefits: they’re rich in soluble fibre, which lowers cholesterol and helps to balance blood sugar levels, providing a slow release of energy,” says Nissa Dewshi, a nutritional therapist specialising in fatigue and gut health. “They also contain insoluble fibre, which bulks up the stool, and prevents constipation and the development of digestive disorders, such as diverticulitis and IBS.”

feel-good food

Stuffed pepper tacos Makes 6 Ingredients • 3 red peppers, halved • 1 tbsp olive oil • Salt and pepper, to season • 1 red onion, chopped • 1 garlic clove, crushed • 12g cherry tomatoes, sliced • 2 pouches Mexican-style rice • 400g can black beans, drained and rinsed • 6 chilli-infused cheddar slices To serve • Handful of jalapenos (optional) • 1 tbsp of Greek yoghurt (optional) Method • Preheat the oven to 200°C. • Cut the peppers in half, deseed and remove any pith.

• Lay them flat on a roasting tray, drizzle with olive oil, and season to taste. Bake for 20 mins.

• While the peppers are roasting, fry the onion, garlic and cherry tomatoes for approx 4 minutes.

• Remove from heat, and combine with the rice and beans. Rice and beans can go in the mixture cold, or warm through in the microwave/stove before adding to the peppers.

Remove the peppers from the oven and fill each evenly with the rice and bean mixture.

• Lay a slice of cheese on each pepper, and roast in the oven for approx 10 minutes.

• Remove from the oven, and serve immediately with a dollop of yoghurt and sprinkle with jalapenos (if using).

Kirstie Lawton, a registered nutritionist and director of You Nutrition Ltd, says: “Altogether, a delicious, immune-supporting, antioxidant-packed meal, this recipe is quick and versatile. Both tomatoes and red peppers are high in immune-boosting antioxidants, vitamin C, and beta-carotene. Red onions and garlic contain both allium and prebiotic fibres, which support healthy gut bacteria, and sulfur – essential for liver detoxification.”

Avocado penne pasta Serves 3 Ingredients • 250g wholemeal penne • 100g garden peas • 150g baby spinach • 2 garlic cloves, chopped • 2 small avocados, halved and stoned • 30g cashews nuts • 1 tsp cayenne pepper • 1 lemon • Pinch of black pepper • Handful of pumpkin seeds • Small bunch of coriander, chopped • 30g parmesan (optional) Method • Cook the pasta in boiling water as per packet instructions. You can add the peas to the same saucepan, or boil separately.

• Meanwhile, add the spinach, garlic, avocado halves, cashews, pepper, and two tablespoons of warm water to a blender and pulse until smooth. If the sauce is too thick, gradually add warm water until desired consistency.

Set aside.

• Drain the pasta, and tip back into the pan, combining with the peas. Squeeze the lemon into the pasta and stir in the blitzed sauce. Give the sauce a good grind of black pepper, and warm gently on low heat.

• Divide the pasta into bowls and sprinkle with pumpkin seeds, chopped coriander and parmesan (if using).

“Often overlooked in favour of ‘trendier’ superfoods, humble garden peas are nutritional powerhouses,” nutritional therapist Lucy Sparkes says. “Eaten allyear-round as they retain their goodness when frozen, peas are a great source of insoluble fibre, and contain a prebiotic to help maintain good gut bacteria residence, which is vital for a healthy immune function.” >>>

happiful.com | February 2021 | 43

Courgetti pad Thai Serves 3 Ingredients • 1 tsp sesame oil • 1 red chilli, chopped • 1 tbsp ginger paste • 2 spring onions, sliced • 1 carrot, peeled • 1 red pepper, sliced • 2 eggs • 150g peeled, cooked prawns • 2 courgettes, shredded or spiralised • 50g beansprouts • Handful of peanuts For the sauce: • 1 lime, juiced • 2 tbsp low salt soy sauce • Pinch of chilli flakes • 3 tbsp water For vegans, replace the prawns with 150g of tofu and omit the egg.

Method • Heat the sesame oil in a wok and add the chilli and ginger. Stir fry for 3 minutes.

• Add the spring onions, carrot and pepper, and toss for 3 minutes.

• Move everything to one side of the pan, and crack the eggs, using a chopstick or handle of a fork to mix the eggs.

• Once the eggs have scrambled, add the prawns to the wok and stir fry for approx 4 minutes.

• Prepare the courgette noodles using a spiralizer or by shredding, and add to the pan with the beansprouts. Stir through.

• Combine the sauce ingredients in a bowl, and add to the wok once the prawns are piping hot.

• Portion into bowls and garnish with peanuts. Serve immediately.

“This is comfort food in a bowl, and a great way to boost our immune system over the winter. Ginger and chilli not only make this dish really tasty but, nutritionally, are antiinflammatory and immune-boosting ingredients,” nutrition coach Susan Hart explains. “Using courgette noodles increases the vegetable count, and therefore the fibre content, too. Fibre makes you feel fuller for longer as well as improving your overall digestive health.

“Vegans can enjoy this dish by removing the egg and using tofu or tempeh as the protein source. They provide iron, fibre and calcium, but zero cholesterol.”

Healthy homemade crisps Serves 5 Ingredients • 2 large carrots, peeled • 2 medium beetroots, peeled • 100g kale • 1 tbsp olive oil • 2 tsp garlic powder • 1 tsp cayenne pepper • 1 tsp paprika Method •P reheat the oven to 180°C, and line two baking trays with parchment.

•T hinly slice the carrots and beetroot. Start at the widest part of the carrot.

44 | February 2021 | happiful.com

•W ash and gently tear any large kale leaves, and place in a large mixing bowl. Add the sliced carrots and beetroot to the bowl.

•D rizzle the olive oil onto the veg and add the spices (adjust spices to desired taste). Toss until the vegetables are evenly coated.

•P lace the veg slices in single layers on the baking trays. Bake for 10 mins. Turn and bake for a further 10–12 mins until crisp, and the sides of the carrots curl.

•L eave to cool and enjoy as a healthy alternative to shopbought crisps!

“An excellent alternative to the ordinary crisp, this recipe uses little oil and lots of spice,” nutritional therapist and heath coach Michele Scarr says. “Garlic, AKA Mother Nature’s antibiotic, and paprika and cayenne, containing capsaicin (a potent circulation stimulant), make this supportive of heart health and the control of diabetes. Plus the carrots and beetroot are rich in carotenoids, which are good for vision.”

feel-good food

Tasty tahini flapjacks Makes 12 Ingredients 1 banana 2 tbsp coconut oil, melted 30g light tahini 1 tbsp runny honey 50g pitted dates 200g rolled oats 30g sunflower seeds 30g chia seeds 1 tsp cinnamon ½ tsp sea salt Method • Preheat the oven to 180°C, and line a baking tin with parchment.

• In a small bowl, mash the banana with a fork until a pastelike consistency forms, set aside.

• Melt the coconut oil in a small pan. Once melted, remove from the heat and combine with the tahini and honey, stirring gently.

• In a separate bowl, combine the dry ingredients, keeping half of the seeds aside.

• Gradually fold the coconut oil mixture and mashed banana into the dry ingredients.

• Spoon the mixture into your tin, making sure it’s level.

• Sprinkle over the remaining seeds and bake for 18 mins, or until golden brown.

• Leave to cool before slicing into 12 pieces. Enjoy!

Michele Scarr, a nutritional therapist, health coach and CNN lecturer, says: “These tasty, seedy flapjacks keep energy stores up, but blood pressure down. Chia seeds are the richest plant source of omega 3 fatty acids and a complete protein, making them a great option for vegetarians and vegans, and all that fibre will keep you fuller for longer – plus they’re great for digestion, too!”

happiful.com | February 2021 | 45

How to deal with

manipulative people Don’t get caught in a trap, learn how to spot manipulation in action, and break free for good Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

T

hroughout our lives, we’re bound to come into contact with manipulative people. It could be in the workplace, in a friendship, or a relationship – it might even be a family member.

Manipulation comes in many different forms, but most of the time it happens on the sly, and you may not always realise what’s going on.

But, as counsellor Chris Mounsher shares, once you have

46 | February 2021 | happiful.com

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

identified the problem, there are several steps you can take to break free of manipulation, and start to create your own boundaries again.

1. BE AWARE OF THE PROBLEM “The first step is to notice what’s happening,” says Chris.

“It’s impossible to deal with manipulation if you aren’t aware.”

We can get used to certain behaviours very quickly, to the extent that we’re able to

unconsciously ignore them. So Chris recommends taking a step back from the situation.

“Notice the patterns of behaviour. If you’re always told that you aren’t doing enough, no matter how much effort you put in, this might leave you in an anxious place with the other person holding all the anger.

Perhaps this is about more than just the task at hand?” Chris says.

Often, the best way to spot abusive behaviour is to really

relationships

think about how it makes you feel. Has an action made you feel guilty, worried, sad, sidelined, or frustrated? That could be a sign.

2. TRUST IN YOURSELF “Feeling battered by the torrent of another’s manipulative behaviour can make it hard to trust in your own experiences, but this is vital,” Chris notes.

Take some time to tune-in. What behaviour feels right and good to you? What are your core values telling you about the situation?

“Talk through what has happened, either by yourself or with a trusted friend,” says Chris.

“Make sense of the situation, and judge for yourself what is OK and reasonable, away from the manipulative behaviour. Hold onto this understanding, and remember that you deserve to be treated with respect.”

3. SET BOUNDARIES When we set sturdy boundaries, we’re making it clear to others, and ourselves, what we will and will not accept.

“Boundaries are there to keep us safe,” says Chris.

“If you feel you’re being pushed to do things that aren’t acceptable, say so. Set your boundaries, and remember that the other person will find this hard, but if you understand

the pattern of manipulation and trust in your experience, it will be easier to stand up for yourself.”

If you find that your boundaries are being challenged a lot, perhaps take some time to reflect on what this can tell you about the nature of the relationship, and if there are other limits that you need to set and make clear.

4. UNDERSTAND THEIR PERSPECTIVE “This may seem counterintuitive, but it can help to understand the other person’s perspective, even if you find it completely unreasonable,” Chris advises. “To know that the other person is struggling, and trying to control their world through manipulation, may make you feel less victimised, and may help to reduce your frustration.”

Chris points to the examples of a family member criticising you for not returning their calls immediately – in that case, it could be that their manipulative behaviour is stemming from a fear of rejection. “However, it’s important to use the previous steps to connect with your views and remember that you’re

Try to remain as calm as possible, as it will help you to see clearly and to navigate this difficult situation as best you can allowed to disagree, and to decide what is reasonable for yourself,” Chris adds.

5. DON’T BE AFRAID TO WALK AWAY Keep up the self check-ins, and stay on top of how you’re feeling so that you’re able to make the healthiest choice for you. “There may be times when it causes too much pain to stay engaged with the other person,” Chris says. “In this case, you may choose to walk away, or minimise your contact.”

As Chris explains, it’s not always possible to resolve every conflict or undesirable trait. In those cases, the least painful option could be to let that person go, and to try to move on. You may find you’re happier in the long-run.

Chris is a humanistic counsellor with particular experience working with anxiety, addiction, depression, low self-esteem and relationship difficulties. Find out more by visiting counselling-directory.org.uk

happiful.com | February 2021 | 47

“

To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all OSCAR WILDE

Photography | Vladimir Fedotov

48 | February 2021 | happiful.com

find your balance

Fo l l o w yo u r heart We explore the concept of ‘heartfulness’ and discover how the key to wellness could already be within us, literally Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

W

hen the world around us is full of noise, stress, and pressure, it makes sense that we might want to retreat inside ourselves for moments of solace.

It’s not groundbreaking to point out that our hearts are at the core of our being, both literally and figuratively. But have you ever taken the time to consider how this vital organ can support your wellbeing?

Simply put, ‘heartfulness’ is the practice of centring mindfulness around the literal, emotional, and spiritual heart. Meaning to use the heartbeat as an ‘anchor’

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

during mediation (something to bring your focus back to when your mind wanders), or reflecting on its emotional and spiritual significance, those who tune-in to heartfulness are simply using what is readily available to them, to reach another level of wellbeing, and to create coping mechanisms for when times get tough.

“For me, heartfulness is the process of living life by focusing on how your life impacts your heart – because the heart is central to your vitality,” says Jacqueline Denton, a meditation teacher and holistic therapist.

To her, this means creating an awareness of the relationship between your emotional state and your physical body – noticing your heartbeat, when it accelerates, can take your body into flight or fight mode and, equally, noticing what things make your heart ‘sing’; things like receiving love, laughing with friends, or being in nature.

On a literal level, you might pay attention to the steady beat of your heart to bring your mind back to the present. Beyond that, by centring yourself to focus on that central beat, you can remind yourself of where you are. >>>

happiful.com | February 2021 | 49

When our heart (read also: spirit, soul, desires, or character) harmonises with our body and emotions, we can call it ‘heart coherence’. It’s a state where we are true to ourselves – we’re listening to, and understanding, our needs.

Here, we have a greater awareness of our bodies, thoughts and feelings, and how all of that comes together harmoniously.

As Valentine’s Day approaches, we’re inevitably going to see hearts popping up in supermarkets and

on cards; hearts and love come together in culture as they do in heartfulness. Though we’re not talking about red foil balloons or the ‘heart-eyes’ emoji – but something deeper, something warm, comforting, and intuitive.

It could be the love that we have for those who are close to us, the love invested in our passions and values, and the love that we have for ourselves, too.

“We are aware, as humans, that living in love makes us feel so

much better,” says Jacqueline.

“As we develop our emotional intelligence, we become increasingly aware of how unpleasant it is when we are not in the love of our hearts.”

Being in the love of our hearts is what that ‘heart coherence’ is all about. It means that we’re honouring those feelings, and tuning in to the power, wisdom, and serenity that’s already beating in our chests – again, ask what makes your heart ‘sing’?

Heartfulness is the process of living life by focusing on how your life impacts your heart

50 | February 2021 | happiful.com

find your balance

Three steps to heartfulness Jacqueline Denton shares exercises to take you into your heart: 1. Enter your heart space First, focus on being in your mind. Now shoot your consciousness out the back of your head, in through your shoulder blades, and into your heart. Do this a couple of times. Each time, sense your energy change when you arrive in your heart.

2. The heart lift Now, imagine your consciousness is taking a lift down to the heart. Get in the lift and travel down through the head and neck to the back of the heart. Now go into the back of your heart. It’s easy to sense your energy changing to the calmness and peace of the heart in this exercise.

3. Enter the state of ‘heart coherence’ If you’re really stressed, I’ve got another exercise that will calm your brain chatter. Sit and relax in a chair. Stretch out your brow by lifting your eyebrows and tilting your head back slightly, and watch how you feel. You will sense the calmness coming down from your head, rolling gently down like honey until it reaches the heart. Let it keep going until it reaches your feet. It only takes a few moments and this will shift your whole energy field so that you’re much calmer, and enter the state of ‘heart coherence’.

Finish with a sigh and a lovely breath to anchor this energy in your field.

As with any mindfulness practice, there’s also a very real physical effect. When you find a sense of calm through turning your focus inwards, your blood pressure is reduced, and your heartbeat and breathing will slow down. “This impacts your gut health and aids the digestive process,” explains Jacqueline.

“Your nervous system changes as your fight-or-flight mode switches off (perhaps for the first time in years), and the nerves release their tension. All this

Keep it literal, or delve into the spiritual, and next time you come to a crossroad in your life, embark on a unknown path, or simply start a new day, take some time to recognise the strength you have within you, and do it from the heart.

Jacqueline Denton is a meditation teacher, passionate about helping her clients heal from their past, so that they can go on to flourish.

Find out more by visiting therapy-directory.org.uk

positively affects your brain and how it controls the finely-tuned balances within your hormones, water system, muscle tension, and much more.”

As Jacqueline sees it, a daily practice of focusing on the heart will bring about a state of balance, fulfilment, and harmony. And the best part is it’s there for the taking, for all of us, at any time.

happiful.com | February 2021 | 51

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refill your cup

Portraits| Karolina Bak

your

T A K I N G T I M E Carina Lawson, founder of eco-friendly planner brand Ponderlily, knows how hard it can be to make time for wellbeing, which is why she’s helping people create space for meaning and a life of fullness, rather than busyness

H

ow many times has Sunday evening rolled around, and you’ve promised yourself you’re going to make a dentist appointment, address an ongoing

Writing | Lucy Donoughue

health issue, or book to have your haircut in the week ahead, only to find your personal to-dos fall to the bottom of your list by Monday lunchtime? Is there something on your list right now that you know

would make you personally feel better or healthier, but you’ve simply not got around to, or can’t find the time for?

If the answer is yes, then you’re part of a huge group of people >>>

happiful.com | February 2021 | 53

I was on a mission to help women make more empowered decisions about their time

who unwaveringly meet external obligations and find time to support others, but constantly de-prioritise themselves to their own detriment.

Carina Lawson knows this way of living all too well. As a business analyst and mum to young twin girls, in 2014 Carina had become overwhelmed by her obligations and no longer, she says, felt like herself.

“I was at a point in my life where I was overscheduled, overextended in terms of commitments, I was very successful, and I was sick,” she explains.

54 | February 2021 | happiful.com

After cancelling countless doctors’ appointments, Carina became worried by how ill she felt and finally sought medical advice. The suggestion was simply to get more rest, and she carried on as before. However, the feeling of tiredness and lack of room for herself in her own life stayed with her, and she began to observe the same in others.

“I listened to my colleagues talk about what they wished for, like going for a walk in the middle of the day, or making time for a yoga class – and they spoke about these things like they were a far away dream,” she explains. “I realised that while we’re so good at our professional and parenting roles, most of us find it really hard to achieve the simplest of tasks that affect our physiology, like making time for lunch, drinking enough water, or getting fresh air.

“We ignore our basic needs, and I was doing that myself because I felt that everybody

else’s needs were more important than mine.”

Shortly after this realisation, Carina’s feelings of burnout came to a head as she finally made her way back to the doctors. “I pulled my car over to the side of the road, and I ugly cried,” she says. “I just remember saying to myself ‘this is enough’ over and over again.

I’d had enough, and what I had to give to others had to be enough for everyone else, too.”

Carina decided that she wanted to create a future where her children would never dismiss their own needs for the sake of others, or be frightened about vocalising that they were tired or ill. “After that, I was on a mission to help women make more empowered decisions about their time. I don’t know what happens to us all – the roles that we play just take over at a certain point – but it’s really up to us to draw that line in the sand and take care of ourselves first.”

refill your cup

Flat lay images | Georgia De Lotz

Here, Carina shares a few of the ways she began to prioritise herself, which could be a starting point for you, too:

Make time for morning affirmations

When I was struggling with anxiety, I found that a way to cope was to write down an intention or an affirmation first thing in the morning to help me anchor my day. I would refer back to that over the following hours to help me – my favourite is: “All will be well.”

Take back downtime

For a while, bedtime with my twins would be tough, as they’d ask me to stay in the room while they fell asleep.

So I’d use little pockets of time to pursue my own thoughts while sitting in their room, and that’s how I started Ponderlily. I’d send an email here and there, and little by little I got that time for creativity, and myself.

Don’t be afraid to say “No”

It takes so much mental toll to have to orchestrate all the pieces of your life – family, work and beyond. We put so much pressure on ourselves to make everything work, and for it all to be perfect but, sometimes, it’s not possible to do everything. I’ve realised it’s OK to admit that and say no – it’s healthy to do that.

Health is everything

Being a mum to two girls, my health is everything to me now, because I want to be there for them and set a good example. Now, those doctor appointments go in my diary and they are immovable, as is downtime after we launch new collections. It’s so important that you recognise when you need that time out, for yourself and those around you.

Carina Lawson is the founder of ecofriendly productivity and planner brand Ponderlily – which we’re big fans of at Happiful! Find out more at ponderlily.com

happiful.com | February 2021 | 55

How to overcome

first-date nerves

The path to finding true love doesn’t come without its challenges, but don’t let first-date nerves hold you back from taking that initial step Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

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racing heart, clammy hands, and a million and one thoughts rushing around your head – first dates are intimidating things. Whether you’ve met the person before, or this will be the first time that you lay eyes on them, that initial date can come with a whole load of pressure.

But you don’t need to let nerves overshadow your time together.

With help from Ayesha Giselle, a life and accountability coach dedicated to helping people develop confidence, we share six tips for dispelling first-date jitters, for good.

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1. BE PREPARED When the day comes around, you don’t want to be held up worrying over the ‘where’ and ‘when’. “Discuss the details of the date, like where you are going to meet – preferably in a public setting so that you both can feel safe,” Ayesha says. “Confirm the location and time again on the day of the date. Give yourself enough time to travel so you can be on time, and have a few conversational questions to hand so that you won’t be lost for words.” With all the admin out the way, you’ll be in a much better mindset to enjoy the experience.

2. BE YOURSELF We know, it’s easier said than done when you’re feeling under pressure. But everything comes more naturally when we’re being true to ourselves. “Relax, breathe, and try to take the pressure off yourself,” Ayesha suggests. “Avoid focusing on whether your date likes you, instead divert your focus to enjoying the experience and learning about them. Don’t hide your quirks – they make you unique and interesting.” You don’t need to give everything away at once, it takes time to get to know a person, but by presenting your true self from day one, you’ll

relationships

Remind yourself of all of the things that make you amazing, likeable, loveable, irresistible, interesting, unique, and fun

be much more likely to know whether your date is a good match.

3. SILENCE YOUR INNER CRITIC Does your mind become flooded with negative self-talk when faced with a new and nervewracking experience? It’s a natural thing, but that doesn’t mean we should give in to it.

“Give yourself a pep talk and a confidence boost before you head out on your date,” says Ayesha.

“Remind yourself of all of the things that make you amazing, likeable, loveable, irresistible, interesting, unique, and fun. Your brain cannot hold two conflicting thoughts at the same time – so, by focusing on the positives, you’ll silence your inner critic.”

4. BE CURIOUS “A good way to be interesting is to be interested,” says Ayesha.

“People love to talk about themselves – so ask curious questions. What’s your most treasured memory? What’s your favourite place and why? Who inspires you and what about them is inspiring to you? Asking questions and being interested

makes the other person feel valued, listened to, and seen.”

If you’ve been chatting to the person before the date, you might have picked up on some topics that they are really interested in. By taking the time to listen, you’ll put your date at ease, leading to a more comfortable overall atmosphere.

5. TAKE THE PRESSURE OFF Try to let go on some of the expectations that you might be holding onto. Cultivate an attitude of “everything happens for a reason”, so if things don’t go exactly to plan, you don’t internalise any fault.

“A lot of people take dating too seriously in the beginning stages, have unrealistic expectations, and a need to control the outcome,” Ayesha says. “This puts way too much pressure on the dating experience. Release control and let go of expectation. Allow the date to be light, and flow where it needs to flow.”

Of course, if something doesn’t feel right, or you spot some red flags, make sure to pay

attention to those feelings – but don’t let unrealistic expectations get in the way of wonderful, new experiences.

6. SET YOUR INTENTION “Setting intentions is the act of stating what you intend to accomplish through your actions, while letting go of control,” Ayesha explains. “This will allow you to choose how you show up, how you present yourself – allowing you to focus and be mindful of who you are in the moment.”

Your intention might be to have a calm, relaxing evening, or to make a deep connection.

“Setting your intentions can help you to relax, feel confident and self-assured,” Ayesha adds.

“And it could make your date feel heard, understood, and valued.

Your intentions may be to have fun and go with the flow. Or it could be to just simply enjoy the experience of getting to know someone new.” Whatever your intentions and aims may be, do them with confidence.

For more articles and support on finding your confidence visit lifecoach-directory.org.uk

happiful.com | February 2021 | 57

THE FOOD–MOOD CONNECTION You’ve probably heard the phrase “gut feeling” more than once, and there’s actually some science to support it. With help from nutritional therapists Kirstie Lawton and Clare Backhouse, we explore exactly how the food we eat and our gut bacteria can influence our mood Writing | Katie Hoare

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cientists often refer to the gut as the second brain, and with more than 95% of serotonin (the 'happy hormone') manufactured by the gut, it’s no surprise that our “gut feelings” are often correct.

The impact our food choices have on our mood can be profound. After all, neurotransmitters sending messages to the brain travel along a direct chemical pathway, from the gut to the central nervous system. Some studies even suggest that people who

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don’t eat enough oily fish – rich in omega 3 – are more likely to have depression.

WHY IS THE GUT SIGNIFICANT? The gut-brain connection is heavily influenced by the gut microbiome (GM) – trillions of bacteria that create a unique ecosystem in our guts. Specific species of healthy bacteria produce serotonin, which is closely linked to our mood, and it’s been found that low levels of this 'happy hormone'

may be linked to mental health conditions such as depression and anxiety.

While 2020 was a tough year for many of us, there was some good news which came from it too, as it could be the year we revolutionised the importance of gut health for overall wellbeing, with many studies suggesting that the health of our gut microbiome is key to positive mental health. So, if your gut bacteria is out of balance, you may find you struggle to regulate your mood.

ENERGISING EATS At this time of year, it can be tricky to get going. The buzz of Christmas is over, we might be feeling a little bit strapped for cash and, quite frankly, the grey rain is making me want to hibernate until June! So to kick start your energy reserves, whip up some scrambled eggs or silken tofu with avocado and wholemeal bread for brekkie, try a hummus and edamame bean salad for lunch, and finish the day with roast turkey, and a side of brown rice and veg.

“Gut health is a critical aspect of our mental wellbeing. With 95% of our serotonin being produced in the gut by our gut bacteria, it’s important to maintain a healthy gut flora through eating a healthy balanced diet, rich in prebiotic and probiotic foods,” says Dr Kirstie Lawton, registered nutritional therapist and director of You Nutrition Clinic, who specialises in brain health.

Your gut microbiome is fragile and, with modern-day stressors and busy lifestyles encroaching on our health, sometimes the gut microbiome can fall out of equilibrium. But you can proactively nurture your gut health to regain that balance through introducing fermented foods such as kefir and sauerkraut into your diet.

WHAT FOODS SUPPORT POSITIVE MENTAL HEALTH? In an ideal world, we could just eat bowls of food containing serotonin but, unfortunately, this happy hormone is not directly found in food. Instead you can prompt this hormone production through exercise or exposure to bright lights. But it’s also believed that foods containing the amino acid tryptophan could help to release serotonin – so you could try foods such as turkey, salmon, spinach, seeds, and nuts.

Another good option is to pay attention to foods that are naturally high in B vitamins, such as liver, eggs, and leafy greens, as Kirstie notes that those who struggle with mild depression, anxiety or high levels of pain can find this beneficial. Vitamin B6 is needed to make the key

neurotransmitters in positive mental health, and Kirstie stresses the important roles they perform.

“Serotonin and GABA (Gamma aminobutyric acid) help to keep our mood calm and stable, and dopamine, which is linked to pleasure, is essential for mental wellbeing. Each of these requires a range of amino acids and micronutrients for their development.”

Kirstie also advocates adopting a traditional Mediterranean diet. “Following a nutrient-rich, Mediterranean-style diet, high in olives, omega-3 containing foods such as fatty fish, nuts, seeds and avocado, zinc-rich meat and seafood, and a wide range of antioxidant and nutrient-rich fruits and vegetables (including cruciferous, dark green and brightly coloured choices) can >>>

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have a positive effect on mood by improving gut health. It provides us with the nutrients and protein building blocks (e.g. tryptophan and tyrosine) that we require for neurotransmitter production, reducing inflammation and oxidation, and supporting overall brain function.”

Research also suggests that both magnesium and vitamin D can kick start the parasympathetic nervous system – the rest and digest state that enables optimum cognitive function. Kirstie adds L-theanine (found in green tea) to the list, as it has shown to help with anxiety. Adaptogenic herbs are also worth investigating, as tulsi, chamomile and turmeric help the body react positively to sudden stressors, and support relaxation.

If you struggle with mild depression, anxiety or high levels of pain, it may be helpful to address your vitamin B levels UNHELPFUL FOODS FOR LOW MOOD If you struggle with low mood, it can be helpful to avoid refined carbohydrates, poor quality meats and, sadly, sugar.

It’s common to turn to sugary snacks as a form of comfort but,

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although it might hit the spot at the time, the aftermath of the sugar hit can send your mood plummeting even further.

A nutritional therapist specialising in mood and energy, Clare Backhouse, explains that sugar can upset the equilibrium of your mood in three significant ways. “Sugary foods disrupt our blood glucose levels. We might experience an initial, brief boost to our mood, but it will be followed by an unpleasant slump. Firstly, you eat some sugar and get a rush of energy as your blood glucose spikes. Then, the hormone insulin steps in to get the glucose out of your blood and into other cells in your body.

“The more sugary your food, the more insulin is produced, so that you actually become a bit too low in blood glucose after all – and, therefore, your mood dips.

You feel so low that you crave a quick fix, which generally means more sugar.”

Clare notes that sugar prompts the production of inflammatory cytokines, which have been shown to trigger symptoms of depression, and can have a significant impact on the delicate ecosystem of your gut bacteria.

She says, “We also know that sugary foods may predispose the gut to dysbiosis, or an imbalance of beneficial bacteria.”

But it’s not just sugar that’s the bad guy here. Kirstie suggests avoiding inflammatory foods too. “Gluten, alcohol, processed and packaged foods, poor quality

vegetable and seed oils, and chemicals such as pesticides should also be avoided, as they can negatively impact our brain chemistry, and therefore our mood.”

While there is a growing theory that food can be used as medicine (studies certainly show positive results), the jury’s still out on a definitive answer, and one size doesn’t fit all. It’s always best to consult your nutrition professional for guidance and further support to make the most of what’s on your plate – you can find a nutritionist near you on our Happiful app.

Kirstie Lawton is a registered nutritionist and director of You Nutrition Ltd. Clare Backhouse is a registered nutritional therapist specialising in thyroid conditions and mood.

Visit nutritionist-resource.org.uk for professional support and guidance.

Happiful reads...

Whether you’re an eco-warrior, baking aficionado, or looking to unlock your potential, we’ve got four must-read books to add to your wishlist this month Writing | Chelsea Graham

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limate change can often feel like an issue that’s too big for us as individuals to solve.

But Microsoft co-founder and philanthropist Bill Gates, with the help of leading experts, has put together a clear explanation of the major challenges we’re facing across the globe, to help us focus the fight. The book also

How to Avoid a Climate Disaster: The Solutions We Have and the Breakthroughs We Need

by Bill Gates Out 16 February

provides a practical guide for achieving a global target of zero emissions, as well as why this mission is so important, which Bill makes clear is not a simple task, but is “firmly within our reach”.

Including explanations of how we should be addressing chemical, biological, political and financial matters that affect

climate change, Bill combines decades of his own investigatory research and presents it in a simple and accessible way.

The Best is Yet to Come

by Katy Colins Out 18 March For most of her life, things just seemed to come naturally to Izzy – that is until she found herself struggling under the pressure of parenthood. But upon hearing of an elderly neighbour in need of a friend, she quickly jumps into the maternal role. Katy Colins’ emotional novel is a heartwarming tale filled with love, friendship, and courage.

How to Calm It

by Grace Victory Out now As a creator, podcaster, and trainee counsellor, our columnist Grace Victory is well-equipped to inspire readers to discover more about the connection between the mind and body. Including essential tips for times when you need them most, Grace’s guide is the perfect accompaniment for our journey of self-love, acceptance, and understanding. It’s important to make a conscious effort to value yourself – mind and body – every day, and Grace makes this a practical priority.

Must reads National Trust Book of Baking

by Sybil Kapoor Out 15 April With the nearing of British spring comes a wealth of growth and colour in fields across the country. Drawing on Britain’s baking heritage and history, this new edition of award-winning writer Sybil Kapoor’s classic recipe book shares some of her favourite puddings, savoury treats, and breads that utilise glorious seasonal produce.

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HAPPIFUL TOP 10

February

Wise up this February with our recommendations of experiences and tools to stimulate your mind, and inspire you to get curious about the world around you

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PAGE-TURNERS

The Panic Years by Nell Frizzell Hailed as the “arm around the shoulder of every woman trying to navigate life’s big decisions”, renowned journalist Nell Frizzell’s guide to the biggest challenges faced by women is the honest, touching, and funny introduction to the mother of all questions: should I have a baby?

(Out 11 February, £14.99, Bantam Press)

OUT AND ABOUT Historic walks

PUT ON A SHOW Presentation party

A presentation party could be just the thing to get you talking. Each person makes a short slideshow presentation on their chosen topic. But don’t doze off just yet, the topics could be as niche and funny as you desire – from ‘best one-liners in movie history’, to ‘countries with the weirdest sayings’, or ‘why we should all be team Jacob’. At the end of the night, crown a winner.

(Make presentations for free with Google Slides)

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History is all around us, and it’s there for the taking.

Discover historic sites in your area, follow in the footsteps of those who have come before us, and find a new perspective on what life might have been like in the past. There are thousands of free and paid historical sites to visit all around the country – and they’re ripe for exploration.

(Find walks and sites by visiting english-heritage.org.uk) 62 | happiful.com

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LEND US YOUR EARS ‘Constantly Evolving’

Tune-in as iconic rapper Eve chats with a host of famous faces, and voices, as they candidly open up about the lessons they’ve learned and the wisdom they can share.

Series one is out now, and features guests including Paloma Faith, Noëlla Coursaris Musunka, and Henry Holland.

(Listen on BBC Sounds)

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PLUGGED-IN Calligraphy by Kiki The art of calligraphy comes with a host of mindful benefits, plus it’s the perfect skill for adding something special to cards and gifts for loved ones. Follow Kiki as she shares tips and tricks for those interested in picking up the pen.

Follow @calligraphy.by.kiki

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TECH TIP-OFFS Vocabulary Builder

Retroglow | retroglowstudios.com

There’s nothing more satisfying than finding the perfect word to express a thought, feeling, or sentiment. The Vocabulary Builder app helps you build this knowledge, based on the “1,200 most important words”. Work through the levels, and put your knowledge to the test with quizzes and recaps.

(Available on Android and iOS)

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National Storytelling Week

The power of stories cannot be underestimated. Tales have the ability to transport us to other worlds and inspire us to reflect on our own. Spend some time contemplating the stories that have touched your life, share them with others, and join in with online events and talks hosted by writers and authors. (30 January to 6 February 2021. Sign up for talks and find resources by visiting sfs.org.uk)

SQUARE EYES The Queen’s Gambit

Based on the 1983 novel of the same title, The Queen’s Gambit tells the story of a chess prodigy as she rises to the top, while also combating drug and alcohol addictions. This series has been quickly binged and added to many people’s to-watch lists since its release – for a good reason. Beautifully shot and brilliantly acted, this series is one to get lost in. (Available on Netflix)

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THE CONVERSATION

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GET GOING Retroglow

Fitness should be fun, and these vintage-inspired online fitness classes have joy at their core. From dance experiences to retro-workouts, step back in time, connect with your body, and find happiness in movement. Legwarmers optional.

(Class prices start at £3.50, visit retroglowstudios.com to book)

TREAT YOURSELF The Crop Club – Mini growing kit

Always been interested in gardening but don’t know where to start? Or struggle to find the time and space? A social enterprise on a mission to help people grow food in small places, the growing kits from The Crop Club are the perfect thing for green fingers. The mini kit includes everything you need to get started growing windowsill herbs and edible flowers, and to bring the joy of growing food into the home. (£14.50, thecropclub.com)

WIN!

Win a Crop Club mini growing kit Start your green-fingered journey today. To enter, simply email your answer to the following question to competitions@happiful.com Which scent is most commonly associated with sleep and relaxation? a) Peppermint b) Sandlewood c) Lavender One winner will be chosen at random. Competition closes 18 February. UK mainland and Northern Ireland only. Good luck!

happiful.com | 63

How to find hygge in your home As the winter months draw in, what could be more appealing than embracing the essence of Danish cosiness? Here we share three essential tips for making the most of what you already have at home – and it doesn’t have to cost you a thing!

Writing | Becky Wright Illustrating | Rosan Magar

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ince we’re spending more time inside than usual this winter, it really does feel like hibernation season. So, there’s never been a better time to embrace the concept of hygge.

In recent years, hygge (pronounced “hoo-gah”) has become a buzzword, with more of us buying fluffy throws and candles every winter to have hygge-like homes. But, there’s more to it than just an interiors trend, and a certain aesthetic.

The word comes from Denmark, and is used to acknowledge a feeling or moment that is “cosy, charming or special”. The Danes created hygge to help them cope with long, dark days, so, in its simplest form, hygge is about creating light and warmth in a

wellbeing

season when light and warmth feel scarce. It encourages you to create a cosy atmosphere and find happiness in your home.

And the best news is you don’t need to buy anything or make your home look a certain way.

So, you can remove that gorgeous but eye-wateringly expensive nordic-looking blanket from your online shopping basket. Instead, what it requires is a sense of mindfulness, and an ability to savour a moment.

Use these simple tips to help you come back to the original meaning of hygge: TAKE YOUR TIME The first step to embracing hygge is to slow right down. Give yourself the time to be aware of the light and warm moments in your life.

You can start with your morning cup of tea or coffee. Don’t gulp it down while trying to multitask your way through your morning routine. Take a couple of minutes to be still, and savour each sip.

RELAX BY CANDLELIGHT Lighting is key for bringing hygge into your home. In the evening, shut yourself off from the outside

world by closing your blinds or curtains, then dim the lights to create a warm glow around you.

Don’t underestimate the power of a candle. You don’t need to completely fill the room with tea lights, even the flickering light from a single candle is enough to achieve the relaxing and comforting atmosphere of hygge. Watching the flame provides a mindful moment that can help you to declutter your mind as well.

This can benefit you when it comes to bedtime, too. Creating a dark, cosy atmosphere allows your melatonin to work effectively, which is needed for deep restorative sleep.

BRING THE OUTSIDE IN Nature can lift our spirits without us even noticing. If you can, try to get outside every day. Consider going for a walk on a frosty morning – you’ll have even more reason to cosy up when you get home.

But, even if you can’t get out every day, you can bring the outside in.

House plants and natural materials such as untreated woods or thick wools can bring a more natural feel into your home, and mean you can be at one with nature while relaxing in the warmth.

WHAT MAKES A HAPPY HOME? Research shows that, often, when it comes to our homes, we look for happiness in the wrong places.

A common aspiration is to want a home that is bigger and better. But, according to a 2017 study of 1,000 UK households by PhD student Chris Foye, size doesn’t equal happiness. In fact, if the number of rooms per person goes above four, there’s no increase in housing satisfaction at all.

And, although there might be an initial increase in happiness when moving into a larger home, this wears off by 30% after just three years.

So, if size isn’t important, perhaps it’s what’s inside that counts?

In a 2019 European survey, The Happiness Research Institute asked more than 13,000 people to evaluate how happy they are with their homes. The findings revealed that being happy with where and how we live isn’t just a question of having sufficient heating, good light, and plenty of space. It’s also about how we feel and express ourselves through our homes. Pride is a core emotion when it comes to feeling happy at home.

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“

How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you RUPI KAUR, MILK AND HONEY

Photography | Sincerely Media

66 | February 2021 | happiful.com

true story

A new sense of identity Following a serious accident, Philip’s life was turned upside down.

But on the road to recovery, he found a new sense of freedom when he reconnected with the world around him Writing | Philip Sheridan

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t was a mild, early autumn day back in 2002 when I set out on my Triumph motorbike to ride the classic winding North Yorkshire roads to Whitby. But I never arrived.

Not far from the safety of the small harbour town, my bike broke loose from the road and I slipped straight under the front wheel of an oncoming 25-tonne lorry. It probably doesn’t need saying, but it was a catastrophic near-fatal accident. Lying on the road, facing the sky, unable to feel my right leg, I had no idea what, if any, future lay ahead of me. But I knew nothing would be the same.

Somewhere between the quietness of that remote moorland road and the crucible of intensive care, my life became unrecognisable.

For almost a decade, I had been working long shifts in an emotionally and physically demanding job as a children’s therapist within a dedicated therapeutic unit. I enjoyed the camaraderie of a close-knit team, and had become a team leader and manager. On my days off, I restored by immersing myself in the hills and mountains close to my home on the edge of the Yorkshire Dales. At weekends, I danced until sunrise in the neon nightlife of Leeds.

All of that came to an abrupt end. The devastation of the crash had left me with multiple injuries to my legs, hands, shoulders, head, and

torso, the eventual amputation of my right leg just below the knee, and the long-term effects of posttraumatic stress and depression. To hear that no one expects you to live, and then when I did to hear that you may never walk again, and then when I did learn to walk, to lose my career, home and a few of my friends along the way – let’s just say, without too much melodrama, that I have spent many days in the depths of despair and depression.

To survive, I had to reach inside and draw on all my resources, which included learning to reach out to those around me. As a professional therapist, I knew the emotional impact of limb loss would prove one of my most difficult challenges. While still in St James’s Hospital, Leeds, I referred myself for therapy sessions with a clinical psychologist who specialised in people’s experience of trauma.

I made sure to involve my family and friends in my emotional journey, too. I realised they would also feel the effect of my trauma and limb loss. In other words, we would all need to dig deep in our own ways to travel this journey together. In order to thrive, I needed to not just learn to walk again, but to return to the active lifestyle and green spaces that had previously helped restore me, albeit in a different ways. This is where my years of martial arts practice came to serve me.

A daily practice of martial arts teaches us that progress comes with perseverance, and patience. >>>

happiful.com | February 2021 | 67

To learn more about Philip’s work, visit www.philip-sheridan.com Photography (right) | Kate Bamber

To learn to walk again after three months in hospital and eight significant operations, time at home to heal was won only through much blood, sweat, and tears. Sadly, not everyone I met travelling this arduous journey of recovery made it to the finish line.

Today, I still remain engaged in the study and practice of martial arts, only now for different reasons. I started a small business in 2016 called Discover Tai Chi with my girlfriend, Helen, teaching Tai Chi for health and wellness.

As part of continuing my road to recovery I sought out a life coach to help me to explore my new sense of identity, and help me to focus on what I could do rather than on what I couldn’t.

Tentatively, I began to try new activities with a renewed sense of exploration. With the spirit to discover the possible rather than the impossible, I found kindness and collaboration – the keys to unlocking some of the doors that initially barred my progress. I turned to the vertical dance of rock climbing and, several years later, to trail running with a ‘blade’ running leg. On the slabs and overhangs of a cliff, or deep in a forest trail running, I felt free. This period marked a return to a connection with nature I had always enjoyed before my accident. Only now the green spaces

68 | February 2021 | happiful.com

With the spirit to discover the possible rather than the impossible, I found kindness and collaboration offer me a healing balm to the trauma I had survived but still struggled to understand.

In 2011, I left my career working with children and families and began teaching part-time as a facilitator, mentor, and patient teacher on the five-year MBChB Medicine and Surgery course at the School of Medicine, University of Leeds. I had the pleasure and privilege to receive invitations to offer keynote speeches at conferences, guest lecture around the country to student groups, and contribute to clinical leadership courses too.

One particular moment that stands out for me is when, in 2013, the prosthetics team at NHS Leeds nominated me for the Limbless Association Prosthetic and Orthotic Awards. In December that same year I had the honour and privilege to travel down to Westminster, in London, to receive the Award for Inspiration. I dedicated the

Photography: Left | Helen Parsons, Right | Kate Bamber

true story

award to work of the medical teams who saved my life, and the unstinting love and support of my family, friends, and colleagues without whom I could not have taken on the immense journey of recovery.

I began to write and collate prose and poetry as a therapeutic process. Those early pieces acted, as one of my therapists said, “as windows that offer other people a view into your life living with significant trauma”. With the ongoing support and encouragement, I produced my first short collection of poetry called Heart On The Mountain, which I self-published in 2013. It’s publication, in many ways, enabled me to draw a line between the event that changed my life so irrevocably to the life I now live and enjoy.

In 2015, I produced and directed a short film of a spoken word poem written by me and performed

by Patient Carer Community members at the School of Medicine, University of Leeds. Called Voices of a Patient, it features the late Dr Kate Granger MBE, the founder of the #hellomynameis campaign, whom I had the pleasure of working with at the School of Medicine. And in September 2020, I published my second collection of poetry called Crossing the River Lethe.

Looking back, if I could speak with the traumatised and frightened man who lay on the road after such a terrible accident I’d offer, by way of advice, that the crisis of trauma will change your life in unimaginable ways. Expect ups and downs, good progress followed by setbacks, but always look for the seed of opportunity within.

Opportunities lead to new friendships and adventures I would never have contemplated had my life not flipped and turned upside down. Take each day one step at a time, with a sense of hope and openness to what may arrive over the horizon.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Philip had a good life, but a motorbike accident brought many changes and unexpected challenges, including having to cope with the loss of a limb and learning to walk again.

Rather than feeling defeated, he gradually accepted his new reality, and the support from friends, family and professionals transformed his life. He found ways of expressing himself and helping others that gave his life real

meaning. Often, when it comes to periods of change or endings, we focus on what we have lost. But, as Philip’s story shows, it can be far more beneficial to accept the support around us, to help us see the doors that are opening, too.

Graeme Orr | MBACP (Accred) counsellor

happiful.com | February 2021 | 69

THE HAPPIFUL PODCAST

BRYONY GORDON SHAHROO IZADI

WICKS GRACEJOE VICTORY

PROFESSOR GREEN MEGAN CRABBE

ADRIENNE HERBERT FIONA LAMB

• Listen • Share • Subscribe •

Listen to conversations with Bryony Gordon, Joe Wicks, Profession Green, Adrienne Herbert, and many others, who share their passions, and reveal the moments that shaped them.

70 | February 2021 | happiful.com

Photography: Joe Wicks | Andrew Burton, Professor Green | Courtesy of Aguulp, Adrienne Herbert | Nathan Gallagher

I am. I have

wellbeing

Normal? no such thing...

Founder of Mental Health Mates, writer and podcast host Bryony Gordon shares her thoughts about working on wellness, understanding your inner voice, and building personal resilience Writing | Lucy Donoughue

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hatting with Bryony Gordon is like picking up a conversation you put on hold to answer the door. It feels familiar, every day, and easy. She has a knack of speaking about some of the toughest topics in mental health with a normality that encourages others to open up too, which is

why she’s interviewed everyone from Prince Harry to frontline nurses, witnessed their darkest reflections, and shared their hopes with millions of listeners on her podcast ‘Mad World’.

If we all have a superpower then Bryony’s, I suspect, is being very real and honest about what she believes in. That hasn’t always

been the case, as since she’s lived with Pure O (a form of obsessive compulsive disorder centering around often deeply frightening, intrusive thoughts) since her pre-teens, Bryony spent many of her formative years suppressing what she was really thinking, for fear of the reaction from others. >>>

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Through being very unwell, I have learnt an awful lot about being well Today, and as a result of much work on herself, Bryony is one of the country’s most well-known mental health advocates, and has opened up a vast number of conversations about the need to smash the stigma that still sadly exists around mental ill-health.

She’s adamant about her status within that conversation too; Bryony maintains she’s a constant work in progress, learning about herself as she shares with others through her podcast, talks and books, the latest of which is No Such Thing as Normal.

Here, Bryony shares five personal insights about living with mental ill-health, reflections on the past year, and finding your inner strength.

The impact of mental ill-health can be surprising I’ve had OCD since I was a little girl, and my first manifestation was an overwhelming fear of germs. So when the pandemic hit, it didn’t trigger me in the way you might think. I realised that nothing I could do would change the situation, and the fact that we were all locking down together felt like a walk in the park compared with the times I’ve had

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to lockdown in my head all alone.

I think that perspective might resonate with a lot of people who have experienced mental illness.

Know that your inner voice isn’t always right I imagine my OCD and alcoholism as a figure that’s invaded my brain, and it has a voice that’s indistinguishable from my own, so I think it’s me, and I have to remind myself that it’s not. Sometimes if I want to do something, I shouldn’t do it, and if I don’t want to do something, I should do it! For example, I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to go for a run – but I tell myself to just do it. We really have to recognise that our brains don’t always want the best for us, and circumvent that.

We need to work at wellness When I first got sober, the cravings for alcohol were there every night for months. I was physically exhausted from fighting them and the thought that it would be easier to give in.

Now, alcohol crosses my mind occasionally, but I just think “that’s interesting, my brain is telling me I should have a drink,

better short-circuit that” and I move onto the next thing. The more we work at our wellness and learn, the easier it gets.

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I can say now that some of the best things in my life have come from some of the worst Our life and health evolves I realised that I was using food as a real comfort throughout lockdown, in the same way that lots of people were using alcohol – but that’s not an option that’s open to me.

I was bulimic for 10 years of my life, and I thought that because I wasn’t purging, I was only bingeing, it was fine. But I came to understand through writing No Such Thing As Normal that I’ve been brought quite low through binge-eating, so now I’m going to do some work around that. Life is a process, and these things happen to us as our lives evolve.

Mental illness can build your personal resilience Through being very unwell, I have learnt an awful lot about being well. I’m not saying that mental ill-health is a gift, because clearly it’s not. I can’t change it though – my brain, for some reason, has chosen to create some coping mechanisms that don’t work. So I have to work with what I have, and through doing that I’ve realised that I am actually quite a resilient person – I’m quite strong! I can say now that some of the best things in my life have come from some of the worst.

‘No Such Thing as Normal’ by Bryony Gordon is out now (Headline, £14.99).

You can also listen to Bryony’s thoughts on mental health and learning every day on Happiful’s podcast, ‘I am. I have’.

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Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We only have today. Let us begin MOTHER TERESA

Photography | John Vicente

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I’ll be there for you A kind gesture can go a long way, so here are four simple ways you can make a loved one feel appreciated Writing | Chelsea Graham

Now we’re cookin’!

Whether it’s an old family recipe, or experimenting with something new, mixing it up in the kitchen can be a wonderful way to show someone you’re thinking about them. Why not surprise a friend or family member by leaving a delicious pre-made dish on their doorstep, or drop off ingredients for their favourite meal and do a virtual cook-along? Sounds like the recipe for success!

Do your homework

We all have our own personal pursuits, but how much do you really know about your loved ones’ favourite things? Getting out of your comfort zone and learning about what makes your friends, family members, or partner tick can provide a great way to connect – and show them how much they mean to you.

Learning the rules of a sport they’re passionate about will

mean that the next time they invite you to a game you can impress them with your observations. Or brushing up on the back story to their favourite show could let you engage in a fun debate. You could even read one of their favourite books to surprise them with your own thoughts.

Lend a helping hand

Have you ever had that one task on your to-do list that just never gets ticked off? Don’t worry, we’re all guilty of putting things off from time to time, whether it’s just a tedious job, or something that induces anxiety. But think how much you’d appreciate it if someone helped you tackle those dreaded chores?

Listen out for when someone in your household reveals a task they’ve been avoiding, and offer to help out. Maybe they

want to upcycle a wardrobe, or organise the overflowing shed.

An extra set of hands could make the chore much more appealing – that little boost of encouragement and some good company will go a long way!

Call me, maybe

Nowadays, we might be more familiar with using our mobiles to online shop, read articles, or scroll through social media.

But, funnily enough, they do have a few other useful features, too. A simple, but meaningful way to remind someone that they are in your thoughts is to give them a call.

Receiving an unexpected call or message from a friend can be a really wonderful way to start or finish a day. You don’t need a rigid purpose for a chat, simply hearing your voice could help to reduce any stress or anxiety they’re feeling.

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Ditch the drama: how to set boundaries Friendship groups can be tricky to navigate, but as life coach and author Michelle Elman shares, boundaries can be powerful tools to ensure quality connections

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ver felt the pain of overhearing a friend talking about you behind your back? Or maybe the guilt of knowing you revealed a secret that was shared with you in confidence?

Growing up, I always associated friendships with drama, so imagine my shock when I discovered that this didn’t need to be the case and that, rather

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revolutionarily, friendships could be simple. It was a long road to get to that realisation though...

Rewind to 2011, and imagine living in a room off a corridor that connects your entire friendship group – your very large friendship group consisting of 25 people. You are woken up by someone shouting: “Nick got with Charlotte last night!” You step out of your room to find everyone

gathered outside Charlotte’s door, because someone saw Nick go in it last night. Half-asleep, you walk up to the group of people only to be pestered about what you know because “you always know everything”.

This was my life a decade ago.

Every day I was involved in some new drama. Without the qualifications of being the life coach I am now, I was already

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I was the confidant, advice-giver, and ‘mum’ of the friendship group. While this was an honour to be so trusted, as we matured, it quickly became exhausting the surrogate life coach of our corridor, which meant I was the confidant, advice-giver, and ‘mum’ of the friendship group.

While this was a compliment, and initially an honour to be so trusted, as we matured, it quickly became exhausting.

The constant drama became annoying, mind-numbingly repetitive, and I didn’t want any part of it anymore. The solution

to the drama? A big old dose of boundaries.

Speaking now, with much more understanding of the importance of setting and respecting healthy boundaries, here are four of my essential tips to put these in place – and ditch the drama.

1. TALK IT OUT Stop talking about the person and start talking to the person. The

only one who can solve your issue is the person who caused the issue. When there’s a problem, it can be tempting to get people to take sides and essentially create teams within your friendship group. In the situation above, if you wanted to know about Nick or Charlotte’s relationship, the person to ask would have been Nick or Charlotte, so that’s exactly what I said: “It’s not my >>>

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How to know when your boundaries are being crossed: • Feeling anger or resentment. These emotions are your body's way of telling you that a boundary has been crossed. When your self-esteem is low, it’s easy to question whether your anger or resentment is valid, but instead use these emotions as an alert system to notice when a boundary has been crossed, and needs to be reinforced.

• Replaying a conversation in your head. Have you ever wished you had said something that you didn’t say in the moment?

Boundaries do not have a time limit, so you can bring up an old conversation by simply saying: “Hey! Something you said yesterday upset me, and I really want to talk about it.”

• Interactions leave you feeling bad about yourself. Start to notice how the people in your life make you feel. We don’t always process passive aggressive comments or snide remarks in the moment, but you may find later that day your mind is filled with more self-doubt, or your inner critic is louder when you are around a certain person. Even if you can’t put your finger on exactly why, trust yourself, and believe how you feel is legitimate.

information to share. Ask them.”

To do anything other than that is to break confidence and trust, and would be disrespecting boundaries.

2. STOP INVOLVING YOURSELF IN OTHER PEOPLE’S BUSINESS An important boundary to learn is how to say: “That is none of my business.” Yes, you might be curious, but standing outside someone’s door to find out details about their secret relationship is an invasion of privacy – as in my example. A friend is allowed to have privacy around something they are not ready to share, so respect that by letting them tell you whatever it might be in their own time.

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Similarly if two friends are in an argument, it’s tempting to want to mediate between the two, but doing so leads to what is known as ‘triangulation’ and creates a more complicated relationship dynamic. Let your friends resolve their own differences, and by doing so means your relationships will be simpler, and one party won’t feel like you are taking sides.

3. STOP BONDING OVER HATE There is a saying that the enemy of your enemy is your friend, and research actually supports this. A 2011 study by Weaver and Bosson demonstrated this by showing that you build closeness with a stranger faster by sharing negative attitudes

A friend is allowed to have privacy around something they are not ready to share, so respect that by letting them tell you in their own time about a third party, than if you were to share positive attitudes.

Within a friendship group, this is how toxic dynamics can form, because if bitching about a mutual friend means you can bond faster, it can be a tempting tactic to use to create closeness.

While the research may show it is effective, you need to be wary of the consequences of this. If a person is willing to speak about another friend behind their back to get close to you, they will also be willing to get close to someone else by throwing you under the bus. It may be faster to make friends through mutual hatred, but it is not a way to build a quality friendship.

4. ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED A lot of people believe that a sign of a good friendship is when your friend can predict what you need without you even vocalising it.

Spoiler: it isn’t. And testing your friendships by assuming they need to know all your needs without being told, isn’t going to help anyone. If you want to see your friend more, tell them. If they never reply to your texts and

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it upsets you, tell them. A sign of good friendship is an ability to communicate, and being able to be vulnerable enough to vocalise when your needs aren’t being met.

What do you do if you set boundaries and people refuse to listen to you? At that point, you need to make a call on whether this is a friendship you want. When a person repeatedly ignores what you are asking for, and dismisses your boundaries, it is a sign of disrespect. Boundaries are how you are asking to be treated, and if that is being ignored by a friend, is that person really your friend after all?

If your friendship was a contract, and your friend kept breaking the terms of that contract (“be supportive of my wins”, “don’t talk about me behind my back”), would you keep renewing it? It’s sad to see the end of a friendship and, societally, we often take the end of a friendship to be a sign of our own personal failing, but it isn’t a failure to insist on being respected by those around you.

A good friend is better than an old friend. You deserve to have friends you can trust, and you know will support you, even when you aren’t in the room.

Michelle Elman is a five-board accredited life coach, most known for her campaign ‘Scarred Not Scared’.

Discover more about the power of boundaries in Michelle’s new book ‘The Joy of Being Selfish’, which is published 4 February 2021 (Welbeck, £14.99), and is available to pre-order on Amazon now.

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How to recover while signed off work for mental health Being signed off work for your mental health is the first step in your recovery. Here, we share some tips to help you feel better, from someone who’s been there themselves Writing | Amber Bryce

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hen I was signed off work, looming deadlines filled my head while the prospect of letting colleagues down weighed heavily on my already jumbled conscience.

After about two weeks of sleeping the days away, barely eating, and crying in the shower, I realised I needed to get better – to untangle my thoughts and figure out how I’d reached this point. By taking this time off, I was taking action, and I was going to recover.

If you have recently been signed off work because of your mental health, it helps to remember that you’re not alone.

Approximately one in four people in the UK will experience a mental health problem each year, and almost 15% of these are work-related. It’s far better to take the time you need now rather than risk feeling worse further down the line.

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Illustrating | Rosan Magar

Whether you’ve been signed off for two months or two weeks, it can be difficult to know what to do next. But from someone who has been where you are now, here are some tips on how to best manage this time.

1. SWITCH OFF COMPLETELY First things first, stop feeling guilty about work. Set up an out of office on your email, and delete any work-related apps from your phone. In fact, put your phone completely out of reach if it tempts you to check things. Once you’ve informed your employer you’re taking a break, they should know to keep their distance, and only check-in when appropriate. In the meantime, concentrate on yourself – and remember that you are more than just your job.

2. MAINTAIN STRUCTURE You may want to climb into bed and stay there forever. Mental

illness is a master at masking reality, which is why it’s so important to fight back by implementing daily routines. Set an alarm every morning. Brush your teeth, eat three meals a day, and change your clothes. Even if you can only do something very small, like splashing cold water on your face, it’s still an achievement.

These are the things that make us feel human again.

3. BE SOCIAL A common misconception about being signed off work is that you shouldn’t leave the house. My doctor actually advised going away somewhere, because staying inside all day is only going to fuel the isolating impact of mental illness.

While lockdown may restrict your options for the time being, you can still go out in the fresh air for your daily exercise, do the food shop, or call a friend for a catch-up. Being

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A common misconception about being signed off work is that you shouldn’t leave the house

honest about your situation with others will help you to feel lighter, as well as offering perspective.

4. ONE THING AT A TIME You don’t need to have everything figured out by the time you return to work. Life is overwhelming, and recovery is a journey, so tackling things bitby-bit makes the obstacles along the way seem more manageable.

I did this by writing to-do lists.

Every morning I would write three things – only three. At the end of each day, I would tick them off and feel a little boost in confidence. For example: take medication, do the washing up, cuddle the cat. As time goes on you’ll find yourself tackling more challenging things.

5. SEE YOUR DOCTOR REGULARLY The most essential step to recovery is staying in regular contact with your doctor. Make appointments, keep track of your medication, and look into other forms of support such as counselling – a lot of professionals now offer online or over-the-phone sessions, too. When you feel ready to go back, work with your GP to discuss a phased return to ease you back in with reduced hours or days, depending on your circumstances. Sometimes returning to work can be the best thing, giving your life back the structure and support it needs.

6. GET OUTSIDE Try to walk somewhere at least once a day, even if it’s just down the road for a bottle of milk. Being physically active, especially in green spaces, has been shown to improve selfperception and self-esteem, reduce anxiety, and even help those who are depressed to recover. The breeze on your skin and the sound of the trees rustling overhead brings you into the present moment, making you aware of your surroundings and less consumed by your thoughts. The more I walked, the more alive I felt, contemplating a future that made me hopeful again.

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Professor Green: A gut feeling Musician, documentary maker, and entrepreneur, Stephen Manderson – AKA Professor Green – has never shied away from difficult subjects. In this candid chat, he opens up about echo chambers, activism, and his journey with gut health

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tephen Manderson became a prolific voice in the mental health conversation when he released his first documentary in 2015, Suicide and Me. Of course, mental health has always been part of Stephen’s life – both in regards to his own experience and that of his close family, including his father, whose suicide is a central topic in the documentary.

Six years on, and Stephen is still as focused on bringing mental health into the spotlight as he was in 2015. And, reflecting on the progress that both he personally, and the conversation at large, has made since then, Stephen believes that there is, equally, a lot more work to be done, as well as reasons to be hopeful.

“When I was a kid, there was no conversation around mental health.

The only time I ever heard ‘mental’ was when someone was getting cordoned,” he says. “That said, I think it’s a shame that, statistically, things are not getting

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better. We have to get to a point where conversations are actions. I saw this when I did the child poverty documentary [Living in Poverty]. I was literally just sitting in an echo chamber, everyone agreed with my thoughts and feelings on those subjects, and not one single member of government showed up. You have to get in the room with people who either think differently, or who don’t understand.

“I’ll go into prisons and talk to inmates – places where they have to put a face on and they’re not allowed to show emotion, because if they show any sign of weakness, it can land them in trouble,” Stephen continues. “There are a lot of people who are suffering with their mental health and they’re not aware of what to do, because in our culture it’s not really discussed – you’re not allowed to be weak. But owning your vulnerability makes you a stronger person than trying to suppress your feelings.

Because whenever you try to hold anything

Images | Courtesy of Aguulp

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

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Owning your vulnerability makes you a stronger person down, it ends up coming to hit you sideways.”

As well as his ability to clearly articulate difficult subjects, one of the main reasons that Stephen is such a powerful voice in the mental health conversation is that he speaks from his own experience. That said, I wonder whether, when talking about mental health in the public space, there is a certain pressure to be the ‘after’ photo in a ‘before and after’ of good mental health?

To have already conquered the challenges, and be speaking from the ‘other side’?

“I think that goes back to always wanting to fix things, whether it’s in other people or ourselves,” Stephen says.

“There isn’t really a ‘before’ and ‘after’. Someone asked me how I got over my anxiety while being in the public eye – but I don’t think I’m cured. I don’t think my anxiety has gone away. And I actually think there have been points in my life where it’s probably saved my life – fight or flight, you know?

We have fight or flight and it’s for survival, but you shouldn’t be just surviving. >>>

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Aguulp for Brain, Aguulp for Gut, Aguulp for Immunity, and Aguulp Gut Test can be purchased exclusively at aguulp.com

You should be living and enjoying your life.

“I do believe that the only way to get through anything is to keep on going. That’s very matter of fact, but it’s also true.

And sometimes progression is not a step forward, just a step backwards, or it’s a step sideways – it’s not a straightforward journey, not about mental health or gut health, either.”

Gut health and mental health are intrinsically linked, in ways many of us are just beginning to understand. Stephen’s journey with gut health began as a baby, when he had to have surgery to empty his stomach. Then, in 2017, his stomach was partially paralysed during surgery for a hernia. Throughout his childhood and into adulthood, Stephen would experience crippling stomach pain, IBS, and reflux.

It was only later that he realised the physical symptoms he was experiencing were connected to his mental health.

“I had an operation when I was six weeks old, so every time I said, ‘Nan, I’ve got a belly ache,’ it would be straight to the doctor, and from the doctor to the hospital,” he explains. “They would do all these investigations, and would find nothing.”

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What I didn’t realise was that the tummy aches were actually anxiety – it took me until my 20s to work that one out

Stephen was eventually given a diagnosis of irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), a condition that a study by the Mayo Clinic revealed is more likely to be experienced by those who have lived through trauma – be this divorce, bereavement, accidents, natural disasters, abuse, or any other kind of trauma.

“A lot of people who experience psychological trauma end up with IBS, and a lot of people with IBS suffer psychological trauma, so it’s a chicken and egg situation, and mine was a combination of

feel-good food

For more from Stephen, tune-in to our podcast ‘I am. I have’

both,” he continues. “My dad was in and out of my life, my mum was there more consistently, but she left home when I was a year old, and I was brought up by my grandmother. I was lucky. I know it doesn’t sound like a lucky situation, but I genuinely was.

“I was a bright child, but my school attendance was quite poor, largely because of my tummy aches. And what I didn’t realise was that the tummy aches were actually anxiety – it took me until my 20s to work that one out, and to draw any kind of link.”

With the benefit of hindsight, and a greater understanding of how the gut and brain interact, Stephen’s latest venture is dedicated to arming others with the tools they need to take back a degree of control over their physical and mental health. Teaming up with friend and entrepreneur Kevin Godlington, and supplement manufacturer Nutrivitality, Stephen has released a range of supplements with his new business Aguulp – which offers three liquid supplements

targeted to support immunity, brain, and gut health, for better overall wellbeing.

“They say, ‘you are what you eat’. Sounds simple, doesn’t it? But it really does have an effect,” Stephen says. “My greatgrandmother always said, ‘A little bit of what you like, won’t hurt you.’ It’s always been the periods of excess in my life – I start to fall into a negative cycle. I wasn’t sleeping well because I wasn’t exercising. So my sleep was disrupted, and then I was eating crap, and they all went together.”

It’s a trap: lacking the energy to fuel our bodies correctly, and then as a result not having the energy to make a change.

Stephen’s been there, too.

That said, it seems the key is to find the energy needed to break that cycle, however that may be. For Stephen, this realisation came to him after many years of pain and confusion. And others will have a similar story, as we are only just beginning to understand the complex, ongoing relationship between our bodies and minds. But by sharing his experiences, Stephen is part of the movement of people that are consolidating the experiences of many, and telling you – when things feel hard and you’re struggling to work out why – to trust your gut feeling.

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L o v e l a n g u a g e s NOW YOU’RE TALKING Learn how to discover you and your partner’s love languages, and unlock a whole new level of communication Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

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ommunication – we all know it’s one of the key factors in a healthy, happy relationship. But, when it comes to expressing love, what happens if you’re speaking entirely different languages?

The concept of “love languages” comes from author Dr Gary Chapman in his bestselling book The 5 Love Languages. The idea is that everyone gives and receives love in different ways but, for most of us, our primary preference can be sorted into one of five categories: words of affirmation, quality time, gifting, acts of service, and physical touch. As Dr Chapman sees it, the key to relationship bliss is to learn to speak yours, and your partner’s, languages.

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Artwork | Charlotte Reynell

But the good news is you don’t have to sign up for night school to become fluent in these methods of communication. In fact, all it takes is a bit of time, understanding, and the question, ‘How can I love you?’

“To work out your own love language, take some time to reflect on what your partner does that makes you feel special and loved,” says Bibi Jamieson, an integrative psychotherapeutic counsellor and couples therapist.

“Next, think about, and notice, what you do that makes your partner light up, and then share your findings with each other.”

How often do we take the time to have ‘relationship check-ins’?

In long-term relationships, it can be easy to get to the point where

you feel as though you and your partner know everything there is to know about each other.

But whether you’re still in the honeymoon phase, or you’re hurtling towards your ruby anniversary, taking the time to learn each other’s love languages can unlock a whole new level of intimacy.

“We connect more by learning how to speak and receive in our partner’s language,” says Bibi.

“Where previously, you might have felt frustrated, because no matter how hard you tried, you just couldn’t please each other – or disappointed because your expectations were not met – now it becomes exciting to learn each other’s language. What’s really lovely is when you realise all

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Quality time “This is the gift of your presence,” says Bibi. “Love is expressed by taking the time to give your partner undivided attention.” Of course, just spending time together doesn’t necessarily equate to quality time, you need to really be present with each other, without distractions. “If this is your love language, put boundaries around your dedicated time together, for example, putting devices away and making an effort to be uninterrupted.”

the times you have been shown love in the past. For example, if your partner’s language is acts of service, you realise all those cups of tea brought to you in bed were an ‘I love you’.”

As Bibi sees it, learning how to speak each other’s love languages is about feeling secure, appreciated, and seen. And this stretches beyond how we express love to teach us more about our preferences and behaviour – for example, you might now

understand why your partner, who values quality time together, may not be so keen on group outings and double dates.

Of course, there are some pitfalls to watch out for. As Bibi puts it, even if you and your partner have the same love language, you may speak different dialects. For example, you both might be into physical touch, but could still have different preferences on how, where, and when. >>>

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Words of affirmation “If this is your love language, written and verbal expressions of love light you up,” Bibi says.

Words of affirmation include compliments, encouragement, expressions of gratitude, and other reminders of your feelings.

As Bibi explains, this could include leaving an encouraging sticky-note in your partner’s lunchbox, an “I love you” text or email, or just regular reminders of how you feel. However, Bibi has a word of warning: with this love language, words are powerful, and so harsh words, sarcasm, and criticism may be taken to heart, and not easily forgotten.

Acts of service “A helping hand is an act of love. Asking, ‘What can I do to help?” is your way of saying ‘I love you’,” Bibi says. Acts of service could be anything from helping out with chores, to doing practical things to make your partner’s life easier. “Actions speak louder than words here, so if you say you’ll do it – do it,” Bibi warns. “Likewise, these people need affirmation when they do something for you. Say: ‘I see you changed the sheets today. Thank you.’”

“Another important point to make is that our historical and cultural beliefs may value or devalue one language over another,” Bibi adds. “For example, if one partner comes from a culture that sees words of

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affirmation as an indulgence, such a person might either crave these words of affirmation or, conversely, really struggle to actually give words of affirmation.

Likewise with gift-giving – someone who believes in giving

To work out your own love language, take some time to reflect on what your partner does that makes you feel special and loved extravagant presents may upset someone who believes presents only come on special occasions.

This is why it’s really important to check-in regularly with each other, to make sure you’re speaking the right dialect of love to each other.”

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While love languages are a really great tool for understanding ourselves and others, it’s important to remember that human beings rarely fit well into boxes, and you may actually find that your own language is a slight deviation on the big five, or that you identify with more than one.

“In fact most people have at least two primary love languages,” adds Bibi. “The more languages you speak, the more open you are to giving and receiving love.

“Imagine having a bank account where you can only pay in cash over the counter, and then imagine one where you can pay in cash, cheques, bank transfers, and in different currencies. There would be fewer barriers for people to pay you, wouldn’t there? Likewise with love languages, your love tank will be more accessible and easily filled. You can express love, look

for, and find love in whatever language your loved one speaks.

And that is a beautiful thing.”

As with anything new, love languages can take time and patience to master, but the payoff could be huge – and not just for your relationship. “It might be time to start speaking these five love languages to ourselves, to love ourselves the way we want to be loved,” considers Bibi. “Let’s make me-time important, being present with our feelings, buying ourselves little gifts, encouraging and affirming ourselves, and give ourselves a pat on the back or a warm hug that says: ‘I see you, I love you, I accept you.’”

For yourself or for your relationship, the truth is every time we discover something new about ourselves, and the things that we want and need to make us happy, navigating the challenges that we face becomes a little bit easier – and that’s something that speaks to the heart.

Gifting This one comes with some misconceptions, and Bibi’s quick to point out it isn’t about materialism.

“Thoughtful and meaningful gifts are visual representations of love that have emotional value to the receiver,” she explains.

“Gifts can be free, expensive or inexpensive, and they express that you care, pay attention, and take time to think about your partner.”

If this is your partner’s love language, Bibi recommends taking note of the things that they like, and being sure to show excitement and enthusiasm when both giving and receiving gifts.

Physical Touch This one is about more than just sex. “Body language and the right touch can express concern, care, understanding, or joy,” says Bibi. “If this is your partner’s love language, ask them, ‘How do you like to be touched? When? Where? How?’ A massage, a hug, a foot rub, a kiss on the forehead, a hand on the small of your back, hand-holding, kisses, hair stroking, are all various ways to say ‘I love you’.”

Bibi is an integrative psychotherapeutic counsellor and couples therapist. She also volunteers at mental health charity Headstrong, and as a couples pre-marital guide at HTB church. Find out more by visiting counselling-directory.org.uk

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try this at home

Self-care activities Whether you’ve got five minutes or an hour, there’s always something you can do to support and nourish yourself. You deserve it

one minute

20 minutes

• Close your eyes and breathe deeply.

• Go old-school with pen and paper, and write a letter to a loved one.

• Drink a glass of water.

• Light a candle.

• Think of three things you are truly grateful for today.

• Say an affirmation that is meaningful to you.

• Look outside at the world going by and allow yourself to be in the moment.

• Smile.

five minutes • Use hand lotion and take your time to massage it in.

• Clear out one messy drawer.

• Put on your favourite outfit.

• Watch a funny video online.

• Make yourself a fancy coffee.

• Book that appointment with your GP, dentist, therapist or whoever you need right now.

• Try some gentle stretches for your body.

• Help someone – it could be as simple as holding open a door or picking up groceries for your neighbour.

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• Try meditating.

• Do an exercise video.

• Go through one of your social channels, and unfollow accounts that aren’t good for your self-esteem.

all-day activities

• Pick up that book you’ve been wanting to start.

• Go phone-free for a day.

Ease the pressure of always being on-call, and have a day to yourself.

• Check-in with your emotions.

Recognise your feelings without judgment.

• Try a DIY home spa. Essential oils, facemasks, and time to relax. Idyllic.

• Call a friend.

• Do something that makes you feel warm inside – it could be watching a movie from your childhood, or visiting a place that makes you feel nostalgic.

one hour • Go for a walk and take it all in.

• Unplug from technology.

• Get crafty and make something – try origami, knitting, or sketching.

• Get an early night if you can.

• Clear out your wardrobe, and see what you can donate to charity.

• Create a vision board.

• Get a massage.

• Listen to a podcast.

• Set a notification to get up every hour and move around. It could be walking to the kitchen to make a cup of tea, or around the block, but it’s good to get that blood pumping.

• Donate some time to volunteering.

• Binge-watch a new show.

• Learn something new – start a language course, learn how to flower arrange, or explore photography.

relationships

Painful sex:

it’s time to speak up What’s more painful, gritting our teeth during an intimate moment or opening up emotionally?

Writing | Kat Nicholls

F

or women, discussions about painful sex start early. The fear of our first time hurting can be enough to put us off. The promise of it getting better, however, spurs us on. But what if, for some people, it never gets better?

I remember feeling intense shame when this happened to me. At first I wondered if sex was painful for everyone, and we were all just acting to keep our partners happy. But then I came to the conclusion that I was in fact the odd one out, and there was something wrong with me.

The idea of telling anyone that sex hurt (let alone a partner) felt incomprehensible. It wasn’t until I finally bit the bullet and told a long-term boyfriend that

I decided to go to the doctor.

Our relationship was quickly deteriorating, and I hoped that sorting out our sex life would keep us together.

After various tests, scans and hospital appointments, I was diagnosed with vestibulodynia, a condition that causes pain when the inner vulva/vagina is touched.

While the relationship wasn’t salvageable in the end, I was relieved to have a diagnosis. It gave me something to work with.

My story doesn’t stand alone.

In a 2017 study published in the International Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology, it was revealed that nearly one in 10 British women find sex painful.

Zoe Hinchcliffe was 17 when she started getting unusual

symptoms, including itching and burning.

“Thinking sex was the pinnacle of a relationship (it’s not), I opted for painful and excruciating sex over none at all,” Zoe explains. “This wasn’t wise and caused me more harm than good, but it’s hard to think clearly when a chronic illness jumps into your life.”

After being misdiagnosed with thrush, eventually Zoe was referred to the gynaecology department at the hospital where she was diagnosed with vulvodynia, which is pain of the vulva (even without touch).

“Interestingly, many GPs still aren’t familiar with this term when I visit the doctors,” Zoe adds. “This is why it’s so >>>

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I opted for painful and excruciating sex over none at all

important to get increased publicity and funding on these issues, so misdiagnosis doesn’t happen and better solutions can be found for women.”

Raising awareness of the various pain issues both women and men can experience is key. As well as vestibulodynia and vulvodynia, women can experience pain through lack of arousal/lubrication, after childbirth, and due to vaginismus – a condition that causes the vagina muscles to involuntarily clench.

For men, psychosexual therapist Charlotte Simpson explains that conditions such as Peyronie’s disease can cause erections to

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be painful, as well as phimosis, where the foreskin is too tight.

“Chronic prostatitis can cause pain on ejaculation, and men with post-orgasmic illness syndrome often report feeling unwell after ejaculation,” Charlotte says. “Coital headache is also a problem for some individuals, where headaches occur due to sexual arousal.”

So it’s safe to say, there are a lot of reasons sex may not feel as good as advertised for all of us.

What can we do about it?

This is the million-dollar question, isn’t it? To start with, Charlotte highlights the importance of visiting your GP if you have been experiencing pain during sex.

“It’s important to consult a GP as it could be due to a number of infections or conditions, such as thrush, trichomoniasis, genital herpes or conditions such as endometriosis, IBS, fibroids, and pelvic inflammatory disease.”

Your doctor will also be able to refer you to hospital for further testing and diagnosis if required. Being persistent here is key. As uncomfortable as it may feel talking about your sex life to a stranger, if you’re continuing to feel pain during sex it’s important to keep telling your doctor until you get an accurate diagnosis, and can start treatment.

The treatment you’re offered will depend on your diagnosis, and will often use a multipronged approach.

“If the issue has psychological causes, it may be treated

relationships

with help from a qualified psychosexual therapist,” Charlotte explains. “If the causes are physical, your GP may be able to help or refer you to a specialist. A combination of psychological therapy and medical treatment can also be very effective.”

Elaborating on how psychosexual therapy can help, Charlotte says it gives us the opportunity to understand how our bodies respond, identify what turns us on and off, and work out what makes it feel better including various sexual positions/activities since “penetrative intercourse is not the gold standard of sex”!

The treatment itself, just like sex, isn’t always straightforward.

After being put on nerve suppressants, using anaesthetic gels and dilators, which didn’t help, Zoe said she was finally offered a women’s counsellor.

“However, at that time I wasn’t really open to talking about it, as I just couldn’t comprehend the chronicity of the diagnosis, and how I would ever cope with it. I stopped all treatment that wasn’t working for me, and just had to accept my condition and hope that things would change in the future.”

When asked what did help, Zoe explains it was as simple, and difficult, as talking about it with her respective partner.

“Unlike before where during sex I would just grit my teeth, bear it and then suffer afterwards, now I own my emotions and I am more honest with the other person as

to how it feels. If it doesn’t feel good, I stop.”

Zoe says this was somewhat of a revelation for her, noting that as hetrosexual women, sexual enjoyment isn’t always painted equally. Realising that by not expressing her needs, she was harming herself, changed everything.

This new-found ability to curate a pain-free sex life gave me a huge sense of empowerment “For my own benefit, I’m now willing to, and capable of, navigate around the pain so I can still have fun,” Zoe says. “It gave me an insight into how sex doesn’t always have to be penetrative to be exciting. This new-found ability to curate a pain-free sex life gave me a huge sense of empowerment.”

Hearing that communication was key for Zoe resonates with me. After the relationship I was in ended, I buried my issues until I met my current partner.

I knew that being honest with him was the only way we would navigate it, and that’s exactly what’s happened. I would be lying if I said things were perfect, but we’re working on it, and while we haven’t yet explored psychosexual therapy, we know it’s an option.

Find support

Learning more about your condition and talking to others who are experiencing similar problems can be helpful: Visit the vulvalpainsociety.org for information and support groups for those experiencing vulval pain.

If you have Peyronie’s disease, visit peyroniesforum.net for online support.

Visit facebook.com/groups/ vulvodyniauk for support from others experiencing vulval pain.

As Charlotte notes, when someone experiences painful sex it can cause them to avoid it and lose their sexual desire, but “talking about it, understanding it, making changes and compromises can lead to a happy, fulfilling sex life”.

It’s time to shrug off the shame, speak up, and improve our sex lives. We deserve it.

Charlotte Simpson is an accredited couples counsellor and psychosexual therapist. You can learn more about her work and find a psychosexual therapist at counselling-directory.org.uk

happiful.com | February 2021 | 93

“

If everything around you seems dark, look again, you may be the light RUMI

Photography | Jackson David

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true story

Sitting with the silence Anxious thoughts haunted Deepanshi when her OCD became overwhelming. But opening up to her parents was the catalyst for her creating a mental health support group for others, too Writing | Deepanshi Gulati

I

remember one particular night in 2018, when it was four in the morning, and I was turning in my bed. The thought of someone behind me, watching me sleep, kept haunting me. I was too scared to close my eyes. A whisper in my head kept prompting me to check the door was shut, and that no shadows were lurking outside my room.

The silence of the night meant that I could hear the voice even louder. I kept praying for my parents to wake up, so I could safely go to sleep. I knew that these obsessive thoughts were not real. However, in the moment, the overwhelming sensation of anxiety always made me give in to everything that the voice whispered to me.

I have fought my demons every night for the past 10 years. I still battle them today, but what’s changed is that now I don’t give in. I talk back.

And on most days, I win.

I was born in New Delhi, India. We lived in a big house, along with my grandparents, uncle and aunt. Every person in my family is a doctor of some kind, and so understandably, when my parents were still starting out in their careers they were working most of the time. But I was never left alone. I spent the first five years of my life mostly with my grandparents. My parents still feel guilty about not spending enough time

with me back then but, honestly, I didn’t mind at all. My grandparents taught me things like reading, stitching, and making perfectly round naan bread. I am grateful to have been able to make those fun memories with them.

Overall, my childhood was good. I had a fantastic set of friends at school, although being a dark, chubby girl with glasses meant that I was bullied a lot. People would steal my glasses, pull my hair, and call me ugly. I think one of the most vivid memories I have is of a boy trying to strangle me, and push me off a balcony.

A real, pivotal age for me was when I was nine.

My parents decided we were moving to the UK, and told me just two weeks before we were flew out. After spending most of my days with my grandparents, the idea of suddenly being apart from them was really traumatising for me. I remember being filled with anger and resentment towards my parents. But, eventually, I understood that they were only trying to give my brother and me a better chance at life.

In the UK, I was the new girl in a private girls’ school. I could feel all eyes on me, watching me, judging me. I just wanted to fit in and make new friends, but, sadly, having a “fresh off the boat” Indian accent did not make that easy. I felt isolated. Everyone made fun of me. So, I changed myself from a tomboy to a complete girly girl. >>>

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Deepanshi’s family

By the age of 14, I was unrecognisable. I never went out without heavy make-up and a mini-skirt. I was looking for attention in the wrong places, and didn’t care who I got it from.

My self-esteem was at rock bottom, and I did anything I had to in order to feel validated and beautiful. I started disrespecting my parents, and ignored any advice they gave me. I believed they could never understand what I was going through. Even I didn’t understand myself at the time. This was also when my panic attacks started. Even the slightest bit of tension triggered me. I would scream and cry uncontrollably if my parents tried to comfort me. I was so confused.

At 15, I was sleeping with loud music every night, which was the only way I knew how to fall asleep. I was terrified of the silence. I got a security alarm attached next to my bed, just in case. Upon reflection, I know it was probably feeding my obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).

I met my boyfriend just after I turned 18.

He gave me a sort of confidence I’d never had before. He made me realise that I’m beautiful, regardless of what clothes I wear or how much makeup I put on.

Then, when I was 19 years old, I moved out for university, and for the first time I was away from my parents. I suddenly had to learn to sleep in a new, unknown room. On the nights when my boyfriend was around, I felt safe enough to close my eyes and fall asleep, but otherwise, it was the usual – eyes watching me, demons creeping in the darkness. My panic attacks started to get

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I have fought my demons every night for the past 10 years. I still battle them today, but what’s changed is that now I don’t give in. I talk back. And on most days, I win worse. I remember some nights where only my mum’s voice over the phone would calm me.

After graduating, I moved back home to live with my family. It was 2017, and I’d say this was the year where it started going drastically downhill for me. The voice in my head just got louder and louder. My demons started following me during the day, too, even while I was with other people. I can’t count how many times I’ve skipped a train because that voice told me something horrid was going to happen and I should take the next one. I started feeling like there was something really wrong with me, and I shouldn’t be thinking like this. I prayed to God, hoping he would forgive my morbid thoughts.

But it was that one particular night in 2018 where I decided enough was enough. It was the first time I spoke openly about what was

true story

Deepanshi started Rain On Me in 2018

happening to me with my parents. Although they couldn’t completely comprehend the complexity of it, they did everything in their power to provide me with the support I needed. I then met with a psychiatrist, and was officially diagnosed with anxiety and OCD. Growing up around doctors my whole life, I wasn’t very interested in having therapy or going on medication. I’d had one-off counselling sessions in the past, and from my personal experience, they always wanted to give me advice, but I simply wanted someone to listen to me. So, a few months after my diagnosis, I started ‘Rain On Me’ – a safe space, in the form of a support group, for those needing to vent about daily struggles and stresses affecting their mental health.

The brave people who attend the support group inspire me to keep going. From listening to their stories, and with my family’s unconditional support, I can now proudly say that I ‘live’ with my anxiety and no longer ‘struggle’ with it. I have accepted anxiety as a part of my life, but I don’t let it consume my whole life anymore. I practise meditation daily, learning to listen to the silence and not be afraid of it. I also officially became a Mental Health First Aider, so that I could also help others to overcome panic attacks.

If you have someone in your life who’s struggling with their mental health, reach out to them. You don’t have to be a mental health expert. All you have to do is be there and listen.

It seriously helps. To anyone who is struggling, it’s OK to ask for help; it only shows that you want to keep fighting, and that takes courage.

When your anxiety gets too overwhelming, keep holding on. I promise you, you will get to the other side, and become a much stronger person.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Deepanshi’s heartwarming story evidences the real challenges that can be experienced when living with OCD and anxiety. The added complexity of adapting culturally can been very difficult for some, too, and will no doubt have made things harder. Deepanshi persevered and, with the support of her loving family and her support network, she

was able to get the help she needed.

Over time, her struggle has now become her source of strength, proudly supporting others who also face difficulty.

Rav Sekhon | BA MA MBACP (Accred) Counsellor and psychotherapist

happiful.com | February 2021 | 97

try this at home

1 Lie on your back, with your feet slightly apart, and your palms facing up. Closing your eyes can be helpful, but it’s not absolutely necessary.

The full body scan Try this mindfulness technique to tune-in with yourself

2 For all the following steps, take as much time as you need to want on each one – there’s no rush here.

3

4

Start paying real attention to your breath. Notice the rhythm as you inhale and exhale.

As you inhale, allow your mind to centre on a particular part of your body. You may want to do this systematically, starting from the top of your head down, or go with the flow and wherever the sensations and your mind takes you.

5 Consider all the sensations in the area your mind is focusing on. Really pay attention to how it is feeling – tight, sore, heavy or light, hot or cold? Think about how your clothes or the surface you’re on feels against your skin. It’s also OK if you don’t feel anything in a particular area, just notice that too.

6 If your mind wanders away, that’s OK! Just be aware of this, and gently bring yourself back to the moment and your body.

7

8 When you’re ready, gently open your eyes if they are closed, and enjoy the benefits of this mindful moment.

Once you feel you’ve explored your body and the sensations enough, bring your focus back to your breathing and body as a whole for a few moments.

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