Do you feel like you’re being followed by a black dog?
Why putting on a 'brave face' isn't harmless after all
Setting the record straight on dementia
I would rather spend one lifetime with you, than face all the ages of this world alone
JRR Tolkien
Imagine this: you’re in a bustling restaurant. Everyone around you is chatting away, enjoying their food and company. You’re with friends looking to share their good news. But, you can barely hear a word they’re saying.
There are a hundred different conversations going on, glasses clinking, knives and forks scraping, the playful screech of a child, and background music rumbling beneath, all punctuated by the unpredictable smashing of a plate as a tray accidentally drops to the floor.
Trying to filter through the multitude of sounds and distractions is incredibly draining, and rendered near impossible, as it builds to a crescendo.
This uncomfortable scenario is much like the way that the noise of anxious thoughts can overwhelm our minds, making it challenging to be present, and leaving us feeling trapped in a constant state of alert.
But, unlike a crowded restaurant, we can’t simply step outside and escape it all. That’s why, in this issue, we’re approaching anxiety and its effects from a multitude of angles, to uncover the key to reclaiming control when it strikes.
As with this example, the metaphors we share on p48 offer powerful ways to express yourself and what you’re experiencing. By capturing a feeling that can seem so hard to put into words, you can find effective ways to be heard and understood by others – as well as better ways to understand yourself, too.
And, staying with the bigger picture, on p41 we explore the uncertainty and fear that can come with life transitions, and the urge to rush through them.
Turning to specific anxiety-inducing incidents, unearth why making a mistake at work can come with so much catastrophising (and explore the next steps when an error inevitably does happen) on p29. Find freedom rather than fear in spending time alone on p62, and navigate the waiting game of appointment anxiety on p80.
While a metaphor won’t make your anxiety vanish overnight, having a range of tools and techniques in your arsenal can help you feel more prepared when it does arise.
And, as one last – hopefully soothing thought – remember that nothing is permanent. If all good things come to an end, then that same principle applies to the bad, too.
So when your mind clings on to the worst-case scenario, remind yourself it won’t be that way forever.
Happy reading,
REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
At Happiful, inclusivity, representation, and creating a happier, healthier society are at the forefront of our mission. To find out more about our social and environmental pledges, visit happiful.com/pledges
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12 Are you an eccedentesiast?
We explore the cost of supressing your emotions with a smile
15 The benefits of boredom
‘Bore-out’ can be a portal to untapped emotions
29 Everyone makes mistakes
Get ready to bounce back from workplace blunders
41 Life transitions
How to stop rushing to the next stage and enjoy each phase
48 Speaking metaphorically
The linguistic tool that can help you express complex emotions
21 Micro-cheating
Are mini moments of mistrust the same as infidelity?
26 Help a partner with SAD
Support your other half with our tips on seasonal affective disorder
46 Pillars of motherhood
Maintain your identity as a parent
65 Love after loss
How to navigate new relationships after the death of a partner
36 Balanced bowl
Try this zesty soup made
56 Pregnancy sickness
Why is nausea not being taken more seriously?
18 Creative corner Find inspiration in daily life
24 Ask the experts
Fuel your mind and body with guidance from a nutritionist
33 Myths, debunked The truth about dementia
38 Anxiety on your mind
Kushie shares how city life affects her mental health
54 Expert column Is it time to reimagine anxiety
62 Michelle Elman
Master the skill of alone time
59 What is hyperfixation?
The pros and cons of intense focus
75 Occupational burnout
It’s on the rise, but what can we do to stop it spreading?
80 Appointment anxiety
Our go-to guide to making the most of your visit to the doctor
32 Stretches for posture
68 Organise your inbox
Go from unread to under control
78 Dopamine dabbling
Reverse-engineer this happy hormone into your day
28 Meaningful messages
44 Prepare for flooding
Practical steps to minimise the damage
70 Things you don’t have to do
71 Crossword conundrum
Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively. Try this at
Expressing ourselves and allowing our emotions to be truly felt is the goal. When we hold back our emotions, we enter a state of inauthentic living, which can mean that we are not bringing our true selves into the world. This can have a significant, negative impact on our wellbeing. On p12, you’ll find more insight into this concept, and ideas on how you can break free from suppression. Living authentically, and bringing your honest emotions into the world, opens up a new depth and quality of experience that would have been previously unimaginable.
Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue
REEMA PILLAI
BSc (Hons) MSc BDA HCPC
Reema is a registered dietitian, specialising in gut health and weight loss.
ABIGAIL HOLMAN
Dip.Couns MBACP
Abigail is a counsellor, coach, and trainer.
PHOEBE CLAUSENSTERNWALD
BSN CPCAB TC-L4 CBT-L5 Cert. MBACP
Phoebe is a trauma-informed counsellor, psychotherapist, and certified grief educator.
STEVE MAHER
MA Cert. PCIC Dip.Psych MAC MHGI
Steve is a consultant, professional coach, psychotherapist, and writer.
BSc PGDip BABCP
Natalie is a senior cognitive behavioural therapist and perfectionism expert.
GEORGINA STURMER
BA (Hons) MBACP
Georgina is an integrative counsellor helping clients create a more confident life.
E-RYT 500 RPYT Cert.
Tess is a yoga therapist, somatic healer, and mindfulness coach.
LIANNE TERRY
BA (Hons) Dip.Couns MBACP
Lianne is a psychotherapist specialising in family wounds and LGBTQIA+ therapy.
BA (Hons) MSc ADTC PGCE ACC EMCC
Annabel is a leadership and career development coach and mentor.
MBANT CNHC
Dina is a registered nutritionist and nutrigenomics practitioner.
EDITORIAL
Rebecca Thair | Editor-in-Chief
Kathryn Wheeler | Features Editor
Fiona Fletcher Reid | Features Editor
Lauren Bromley-Bird | Editorial Assistant
Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers
Kate Norris | Content Creator & Writer
Michelle Elman, Steve Maher | Columnists
Ellen Lees | Head of Content
Adam Newey | Sub-Editor
Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor
ART & DESIGN
Charlotte Noel | Creative Lead
Rosan Magar | Illustrator & Videographer
Ellen Foster | Graphic Designer
COMMUNICATIONS
Alice Greedus | PR Manager
Emily Whitton | Marketing Coordinator
CONTRIBUTORS
Kushie Amin, Elizabeth Bennett, Caroline Butterwick, Kai Conibear, Katie Scott, Emma Stokes, Holly Treacy-West, Lydia Wilkins, Lydia Smith, Reema Pillai, Dina Hassan, Katie Scott
SPECIAL THANKS
Dr Emma Hepburn, Joanne Jackson, Lisa Jackson, Dr Avanti Kumar-Singh, Dr Mandy Lehto, Jess Ringgenberg, Fatima Sabeur, Dr Tanmeet Sethi, Linda Aitchison, Georgina Sturmer, Abigail Holman, Tess Jewell-Larsen, Phoebe Clausen-Sternwald, Lianne Terry, Annabel Smith, Natalie Englander
MANAGEMENT
Amy-Jean Burns | Chief Executive Officer Claire Vince | Chief Operations Officer
SUBSCRIPTIONS
For new orders and back orders, visit shop.happiful.com, or call Newsstand on +44 (0)1227 277 248 or email subenquiries@newsstand.co.uk
JOANNE JACKSON
MSc Dip.SW UKCP
Joanne is a child and family psychotherapist working with families, couples, and individuals.
CONTACT
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Dating apps might focus on swiping for height, hobbies, and even astrological compatibility, but new research points to another crucial factor in relationship success: the ability to face challenges as a team. The study, published in The Journal of Rheumatology, reveals how couples living with rheumatoid arthritis (RA) cope with the debilitating disease, finding that those who work through problems together have less psychological distress and better relationships.
The Australian study looked at ‘dyadic coping’ – when a couple engages in joint problemsolving, information gathering, or the sharing of feelings and mutual commitment – from both partners’ perspectives, using a sample of 163 couples.
“We found that supportive dyadic coping leads to lower depression, anxiety, and stress for patients, as well as improved relationship quality,” explains the lead author, Dr Manasi Murthy Mittinty from the College of Medicine and Public
Health at Flinders University. “In contrast, negative dyadic coping increases psychological distress, and reduces relationship quality for both partners.”
There are around 18 million people worldwide living with RA, with some patients facing severe physical pain and stiffness, and the study noting about 35% experience mental health conditions, such as bipolar disorder, depression, and anxiety disorder.
“Dyadic coping contributes to a sense of togetherness, encouraging couples to develop strategies as a unit to respond to stressful events, and it represents a protective factor for minimising the risk of divorce,” says Dr Mittinty.
“Working together as a couple is crucial for managing the challenges they face when one partner has an illness, particularly in rheumatoid arthritis.”
Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid
Mental health has long been shrouded in societal stigma. While attitudes are gradually improving, men remain especially impacted by cultural barriers to accessing support. However, new research, published by Aviva, highlights statistics that show encouraging progress is being made among younger generations.
In a poll of more than 1,000 respondents, one notable statistic was that 76% of men aged 16–27 years old said they would talk to someone if they were struggling with their mental health. Gen Z (those born between 1997 and 2012) are also engaging more with social prescribing and digital support to aid their mental health, with lower reliance on prescription medication.
Social prescribing involves connecting individuals to activities, groups, and services within their community to improve health and wellbeing. One-quarter of men aged 16–24, and one-third of men aged 25–34, had received support this way, which was higher than other age groups. Meanwhile, men in the younger age bracket were also more likely to talk to people online for support than any other age group.
Speaking about the findings, medical director Dr Doug Wright says: “Over the past few years, much work has been done to help people recognise that mental health is as important as physical health. It’s likely that this change in attitude is helping to drive the positive trends we’re seeing from the younger generations.”
Though there is still progress to be made, these findings are a positive step in the right direction.
Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird
An imaginary friend is something that brings comfort and fun to many children, and the powerful force of a child’s imagination doesn’t stop when they become unwell – or even when they are diagnosed with cancer.
In a bid to celebrate the joy and creativity of imaginary friends, national charity Cancer Support UK has teamed up with aromatic soft toy company Warmies® to launch the Create Your Dream Bestie competition.
Children currently undergoing cancer treatment in hospitals across the UK are invited to
submit an original drawing of their imaginary best friend before 31 January. Entries will be put to a public vote to decide on the winning ‘Bestie’, which will then be turned into a special limited edition cuddly toy – with 100% of the profits from sales going to Cancer Support UK, so that the charity can continue its work providing emotional and practical support to those with cancer.
Speaking of the competition, Cancer Support UK CEO Mark Guymer highlighted how tough being in hospital can be for
Nothing says community spirit like banding together to provide free hot meals for those who need them the most. Monika and Arek Kornak did just that when they brought together local businesses to support their local community by providing free, hot meals for vulnerable residents.
Along with support from neighbouring businesses who have donated food and utensils, the couple, who run Bits n Pizzas in Williton, Somerset, offer a free takeaway of a home-
cooked meal every week, with no questions asked.
The pair, who moved to the town and took on Bits n Pizzas during the pandemic, have found the local community to be really open, with more and more people willing to get involved and help. Those who require a free, hot, home-cooked meal don’t have to answer any questions, just take the portions they need. What the couple cooks up depends on what is donated, with Arek saying he will cook anything to help.
children undergoing cancer treatment. “This creative competition aims to provide an enjoyable distraction for children from the pain and discomfort of cancer. It will give them a positive activity to focus on, as well as the hope that their imaginary best friend will be chosen and made real,” he says. The shortlist for public voting is set to be released on 15 February. To find out more about the competition and to enter, visit cancersupportuk.org/bestiescompetition
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
This initiative is proof that when the heat is on, communities can rise to the occasion. With every dish served, Monika and Arek, along with their neighbours, are stirring up hope and simmering kindness for all who need it.
Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
750 primary schools are eligible to sign-up to be early adopters of the free school breakfast clubs starting in April 2025
Researchers in Japan have created a biodegradable plastic that’s strong enough for typical use, but dissolves in sea water, leaving no microplastics behind!
Jess Phillips, the UK minister for safeguarding, has revealed a new government proposal will look to offer peace of mind to victims of stalking via the ‘right to know’ guidance, meaning they can be told the identity of their abusers. The goal is to take power away from stalkers, and reduce the psychological impact on victims.
A new windpowered ferry will run between England and France on a fulltime schedule in 2025
Landlords are no longer allowed to have ‘blanket bans’ on tenants having pets
Colombia outlaws child marriage after closing a 137year legal loophole
After undergoing major surgery, you’d expect retired police dog Bear to take things easy, but, instead, on his very first walk he rescued a missing person! The 12-year-old German shepherd was celebrating his birthday with owner Julia Pope, a former officer, when he went into ‘work mode’ and started indicating at an area of dense undergrowth. Inside was a vulnerable missing person, who was injured, with reports that they wouldn’t have survived the night in the cold, wet conditions if it wasn’t for Bear’s heroic actions.
The Oxford English Dictionary’s Word of the Year 2024 is ‘brain rot’. Relating to the impact of consuming excessive amounts of content – typically considered low-quality, or via social media –the phrase increased in usage by 230% from 2023 to 2024.
The city of love is quickly becoming the city of tree-lovers, with plans to create an urban forest in Paris by 2030. Planting has begun with 478 trees in the Place de Catalogne, with the aim that by 2030 50% of the city’s ground area will be covered by ‘water permeable surfaces’ such as new parks, tree-lined streets, and green roofs. The wider goals of this eco-initiative are to help reduce heat in the summer months, along with lowering carbon emissions, and improving the city’s flood resilience. Since November 2022, the Paris urban forest initiative has planted 63,000 trees (a mix of saplings and semi-mature oaks, ashes, maples, and cherries), ramping up with a goal of planting 170,000 more by 2026.
A ground-breaking study from the University of Rochester has discovered that a five-minute brain scan can predict individuals at risk for psychosis, using a ‘somatovisual’ biomarker to help early diagnosis.
A new writing award has launched for authors aged 60 and over. The Bridport Prize’s Never Too Late Award aims to “unlock the hidden talent of older writers”, with a deadline of May 2025.
Highlighting the intelligent, if grumpy, nature of crows, a longterm study has revealed that the birds can hold a grudge against specific people for up to 17 years! The study, from the University of Washington, which started in 2006, demonstrated crows’ exceptional memory abilities, recalling people and grievances for a substantial period of time.
A Scottish rewilding project has seen the number of bees in an area increase 100fold in just two years. The initiative, Rewilding Denmarkfield, run by the Bumblebee Conservation Trust originally saw (at most) 50 bees in the 90-acre space which was mono-crop barley, but through rewilding the area now boasts more than 4,000 bees, and has doubled the types of different species.
A new £100 million mental health hospital has opened in Manchester, and is believed to be the first facility of its kind to run entirely on electricity. With a net zero mission, the hospital utilises solar panels, LED lighting, and air source heat pumps.
When dogs gaze into their owner’s eyes, their brains sync up! This phenomenon (known as neural coupling) has been seen before within species, but it’s the first time it’s been noted cross-species. A study, published in Advanced Science, found that the better a dog and human know each other, the stronger the synchronisation.
Are you, or someone you know, prone to hiding hard emotions behind a smile?
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
You’ve heard of the phrase ‘putting on a brave face’ – the idea being that whatever it is that’s going on inside, on the outside you appear stoic, calm, and collected. That’s essentially what’s meant when labelling someone an ‘eccedentesiast’ – a term to describe a person who hides their emotions behind a smile. From the outside, they may seem happy and content, but hidden behind that smile could be a turbulent storm of difficult emotions.
The word is derived from the Latin ‘ecce’ (which means ‘look at’) and ‘dente’ (for ‘teeth’), so the word literally means ‘look at the teeth’ – an instruction that points to a surface-level sign (the smile) over the reality of what someone is feeling.
So, why do we do it? In reality, it depends on the individual. For some, it may be about not wanting to show any signs of weakness, or worrying that others may judge you if you display sadness, disappointment, fear, or frustration. For other people, it could be about avoiding getting hurt – you may have had your feelings manipulated or dismissed in the past, and so, naturally,
you want to protect yourself from feeling exposed. Other reasons may include a lack of confidence, a fear of conflict, or a need to keep those around you happy.
But whatever the reason may be, being an eccedentesiast comes at a cost. In a study, published in the International Journal of Psychotherapy Practice, it was concluded that expressing our true emotions is crucial to good physical and mental health, as well as our general wellbeing. Concealment, on the other hand, can be a barrier to good health.
Doing so can also impact our relationships. In an experimental study from 2003, published in Emotion, two strangers were asked to watch a Holocaust documentary together, and then discuss their reactions. In some of the pairings, one partner was instructed to suppress their emotions while talking about it (unbeknown to the other participant). What they saw was that the partner who was not suppressing their emotions experienced an increased stress response following the interaction with the one who was.
But while the cost is clear, it’s not always easy to spot when we, or others, are falling into these
sorts of behaviours – perhaps because it’s a habit built up over a lifetime, or maybe because it’s an automatic response to uncomfortable situations. Here, we’re exploring five ways to spot eccedentesiast behaviours.
In the same International Journal of Psychotherapy Practice study mentioned earlier, researchers also found that suppressing our emotions can actually make them more severe and intense.
In practice, this might look like an ‘overaction’ in someone who may otherwise be quite eventempered. Their reaction may feel out of place for the situation, for example, getting very upset about something that might seem quite minor. Their feelings may also become misplaced or misdirected, and the emotional response could be difficult to follow for an outsider looking in.
During an interaction, something might just feel a bit ‘off’ to the person not holding back their >>>
emotions. The conversation may not flow as you would have been expecting it to, or you may get the sense that something is ‘missing’. This sense might be coming from your intuition, but research has shown that holding back our emotions can inhibit our ability to function socially. According to a review published in Frontiers in Psychology, the act of suppressing our emotions, both positive and negative, results in us masking important social signals, which goes on to impact the interaction.
There are physical signs It’s not just social signs that can alert you to something being wrong. A 12-year study published in the Journal of Psychosomatic Research found a link between emotional suppression and an increased risk of early death. This is due to the way it can lead to feelings of stress, which may contribute to sleep issues, high blood pressure, heart problems, and even diabetes.
In practice, the individual may find that they have trouble with sleep and relaxation. Their anxiety levels may feel heightened, and they could experience longterm stress as a result of holding their emotions in. Anxiety and stress both come with a host of other physical symptoms – from unpleasant bodily sensations like headaches to triggering digestive issues, and even weakening our immune systems.
They always look for the silver lining
A study by psychologists at Washington University, St Louis,
found that there are two ways that people mask their emotions. The first is by suppressing them to hide them away, but the second is ‘cognitive reappraisal’, which involves changing one’s perspective to reduce the intensity of the situation and their emotional response – in other words, they may try to see the good in a bad situation. This is a technique that is actually taught and used in cognitive behavioural therapy, and is something that many individuals may find very helpful under certain circumstances. It can enable them to view the emotion in a different light, and they may feel better able to cope with it. However, a 2017 review published in the journal Emotion found that this technique may come at a cost (in some cases, it is associated with a decreased level of self-control), especially in response to high levels of emotional intensity – perhaps, for example, following a bereavement or significant loss.
They have something to gain by suppressing their emotions
What would be the motivation to hide the emotion behind a smile in this situation? In the workplace, faking a smile could be in order to maintain likeability, or to portray yourself in a certain way. However, this was shown to take its toll in a 2021 study from West Virginia University, which found that ‘surface acting’ (putting on a false front) in the workplace is actually associated with worse
job performance, and lower job satisfaction.
In a relationship, it may be that they’re trying to keep the peace by putting a positive spin on it, and other times it might be about appearing strong when, inside, they may not truly feel that way. Considering what the motivation may be can help us to spot instances of eccedentesia.
In an ideal world, we would all feel safe to express the things that we’re experiencing. But the truth is, people often have complex and personal reasons for hiding their emotions behind a smile. Speaking to a wellbeing professional, such as a counsellor, can be a good first step for approaching this behaviour – as the counselling session provides a safe space to share complicated feelings without the risk of judgement. There is freedom in being honest about the things that we’re experiencing and, with time, learning to express the difficult things we go through in a healthy, productive way, can unlock this power.
‘BORE OUT’?
DGrappling with feelings of boredom?
o you ever find yourself in a slump, feeling like each day is blending into the next? Whether it’s sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, pacing the house anticipating a package delivery, or scrolling aimlessly down an endless inbox, the threat of boredom in our daily lives is all too real.
Perhaps this is why, in the modern world, grappling with mundane moments encourages us to always be chasing something more exciting. But imagine a reality where we could transform this natural part of daily life into something more meaningful. Is there a way to embrace boredom rather than banish it?
Here’s how to understand and overcome your daily slumps doesn’t interest us. Predictive and repetitive tasks are more likely to make us lose our interest, become distracted and bored.” But it’s not just when we’re trying to focus that we might experience feelings of restlessness. “We may also feel bored if we have nothing to do, or cannot think of something that interests us,” Dr Hepburn continues. “Boredom can be a sign that we need to take a break, or switch something up in our routine or life.”
Why do we feel bored?
You might think it’s difficult to become bored these days, with entertainment at our fingertips and instant distraction a tap away, but according to Dr Mandy Lehto, an executive coach and the host of podcast ‘Enough’ (mandylehto. com), people often experience boredom when they feel powerless or lacking in agency. “It’s a feeling of being resigned to a situation that isn’t fulfilling or challenging you,” she explains. “As a result, energy levels drop, you feel depleted, unstimulated, and lacking in motivation.”
Before we delve into how to side-step this unwanted feeling, we first need to understand its roots, and why we experience boredom in the first place.
Dr Emma Hepburn (@thepsychologymum) adds: “Boredom is a feeling that leads us to change our behaviour. Our attention favours novelty, so we can become bored if we have to focus on a task for too long, particularly if the task
Is boredom bad for our wellbeing?
When we’re in a bored frame of mind, we’re unlikely to actively seek out solutions to transform those feelings into something more positive and, according to Dr Lehto, we can often get into a negative spiral of thoughts.
>>>
Burnout is usually a total collapse due to physical and emotional exhaustion, whereas bore-out is a longer, more drawn-out state
“We become tired and unfocused, and often avoid engaging with people and projects as a result,” Dr Lehto says. “This type of apathy can lead to poor performance at work, a tendency to neglect our own self-care, and not wholeheartedly commit to our relationships. If you’re feeling bored, there’s a high chance you’ll distract yourself with easy dopamine hits from social media scrolling, gaming, overindulging in food and alcohol, or online shopping – none of which are helpful if they’re being used to numb uncomfortable feelings.” These feelings might be akin to those of burnout, but Dr Lehto suggests that we could have ‘bore-out’ instead. “Burnout is usually a total collapse due to physical and emotional exhaustion, whereas bore-out is a longer, more drawn-out state,” she tells us. “It’s a feeling of ‘meh’, of having checked out from life, or work. It’s a state of apathy and fatigue, but it’s underpinned by frustration and restlessness.”
How can we combat boredom?
Before we set out on a quest to discover the secret weapon against boredom, Dr Hepburn asks us to question whether we need to fight these feelings, or if we need to embrace what they are telling us?
“If we’re feeling bored when completing a task, do we need to take a break and do something different before we come back to the job?” she says. “If we are
Dr Mandy Lehto shares her first steps in self-inquiry:
1) What am I tolerating?
2) What or whom have I outgrown?
3) What do I want to feel that I haven’t felt for a long time?
connection between boredom and gratitude, suggesting that showing thankfulness helps to enhance a feeling that life is meaningful. So, could simply saying ‘thank you’ help shift our perspective? Dr Hepburn thinks perhaps it might: “Gratitude can help move our attention to different aspects of the task or environment, so it engages our interest more. This may be particularly beneficial if we are doing things that are necessary in our lives, such as housework or looking after children.”
feeling frustrated with aspects of our life, do we need to shift things, try something new, or change our routine?”
If your spark has gone, and every day is beginning to feel like Groundhog Day, Dr Lehto claims the solution is to explore meaning and purpose. “Get clear on what your values and passions are now, and start to experiment with small changes so that your daily life aligns more with who you really are,” Dr Lehto shares. “Then pay attention to what happens to your energy and motivation levels. As organisational psychologist Adam Grant says: ‘Attaching to purpose elevates your energy.’”
Recent research, published in Motivation and Emotion in 2023, sheds light on the powerful
She suggests shifting your focus from ‘I have to’ to ‘I get to’, so you can tap into what you appreciate about your life, and think about why it is meaningful to you. But Dr Lehto isn’t convinced that this is the only solution. “Many people think that gratitude is the answer to boredom, and while this might help, self-inquiry is likely to be a better long-term solution.”
Dr Hepburn agrees, and suggests that if we are feeling bored with aspects of our lives, then it can be helpful to think about our values. “If you are feeling bored with a goal you are working towards, try to think if you can change what you are doing a bit, for example changing your walking location or how you exercise,” Dr Hepburn says. “If you are feeling frustrated with a task, can you take a break or set yourself small goals to work towards? Alternatively, piggy-backing something we enjoy doing onto a boring task can help get us through it, such as listening to music or a podcast.”
From returning to the childhood joys to pursuing new skills, follow this guide to embrace creativity each and every day
Writing | Caroline Butterwick
Whether it’s going through the motions at work all day or juggling housework with caring responsibilities, it can be hard to find time for creativity. But fanning a creative spark in daily life is something that can support our wellbeing – and it may be easier to rekindle than you think.
“Creativity is absorbing. It takes us away from everyday life, and makes space where you focus only on the project you’re working on,” says life coach Annabel Smith. “Time seems to pass differently. It gives us a break and perspective. For many of my clients, and for me, bringing creativity back into our lives has helped us reconnect with parts of ourselves we’ve missed or felt we’d lost forever. And it’s fun!”
A good starting point for bringing creativity into our daily lives is by recognising the ways that we’re already creative.
“Creativity is not only about being an artist. Creativity is about imagination and the choices you make – the scarlet scarf not the grey one, the pink cushions, the
blue tiles in the kitchen,” says Annabel. “It’s there in how you decorate a cake or arrange a vase of flowers, the way you create songs and games for your children, the stories you tell in the pub or over dinner.”
Maybe your job has a creative spark, even if you don’t work in a typically creative role. If you have children in your life, perhaps you find yourself joining in games with them. Personally, I think about crawling on the living room floor with my nephew, putting together an epic train track that spiralled across the carpet.
At first, I found it hard to tap into my creative, playful side. “No, the train track won’t work if we make it go up at such a high angle onto the coffee table,” I’d say. He didn’t listen to this, and kept creating his way. And, soon, I found myself letting go of my analytical mindset and helping him construct a precarious bridge out of toy giraffes, and balance elephants on top of trains. It was fun, and embracing moments like this is a way of bringing creativity into our lives.
It’s understandable, though, to feel some resistance. As adults, it can be hard to tap into our creativity,
especially when it’s about fun and creativity for its own sake. Although I’m a full-time writer – a creative job I love – it’s something where I’m usually creative with a finished product in mind. So being spontaneous and creative just for the joy of it can still feel tricky. “Perfectionism, selfconsciousness, and fear of judgement are the enemy of creativity, so put them in a box and lock it,” advises Annabel. “Give yourself permission to do bad drawings, and make a mess.”
“Return to things you loved from childhood,” suggests Annabel. She recommends writing a silly poem, or making a nature table and collecting beautiful leaves, stones, or berries. You might find there is a specific creative activity you want to try. “Ask a friend and go to a class together,” suggests Annabel. This could be a beginners’ group –your local college or Workers’ Education Association (wea.org. uk) may well have courses to join. It could be something less formal too – I have friends who’ve recently started going to ‘sip and paint’
Creativity helps us reconnect with parts of ourselves we’ve missed or felt we’d lost forever
sessions at a local bar, where you spend a couple of hours painting while enjoying a nice drink in a social, relaxed atmosphere. Another friend regularly goes to a ‘knit and natter’ group in a nearby community centre, where members knit, sew, or cross stitch, while chatting – with no pressure to make anything in particular. “Start small, a little every day,” says Annabel. “Begin to rewire your brain a little, create new habits and build confidence.” It could be playing the guitar for 10 minutes each evening, or setting aside an hour a week to work on the draft of a screenplay that’s been brewing in the back of your mind for years.
Seeking more inspiration? Here are four ideas for how to bring creativity into your daily life:
1. Sing along to your favourite songs. If you want to practise a particular song, it can help to hum along to the melody to start, and then start singing the lyrics. Think about how the music makes you feel too, and what it’s like to use your voice like this.
2. Plant herbs, whether in your garden or a window box. Take some time to select ones you’re drawn to, and think about how you could use these herbs when they grow – whether that’s camomile for tea, or lavender to sew into scented pillows.
3. Go through your phone’s camera roll and choose some photos you love – maybe they’re from that fun day out with friends, or of your cat looking exceptionally cute. Print these pics, and spend time either placing them into photo albums or frames, or making a collage.
4. Watch a film or TV show, or read a story or poem, and think about how it makes you feel. Creativity isn’t just about creating new things ourselves, but reflecting on art and our experience of it.
Bringing creativity into our daily lives can feel daunting, but there are small ways to weave it in. Think about what idea you’re most drawn to, give it a go, and enjoy the process.
Discover
the subtle actions that can create a chasm of mistrust, and how to go about navigating this tricky relationship territory
Ever caught yourself deleting innocent text messages from a colleague?
Or felt a twinge of guilt about that late-night Instagram scroll through your ex’s profile? These seemingly harmless moments that somehow feel wrong have a name: micro-cheating.
What is micro-cheating?
Micro-cheating refers to small actions that aren’t technically considered cheating by some people, but still feel like a breach of trust. It might not involve physical intimacy — the stereotypical hallmark of infidelity — but could involve anything from a stolen glance to flirting, or ‘liking’ provocative Instagram photos of someone else.
Some examples of microcheating can include:
• Secretive conversations online
• Regularly checking an expartner’s social media profile
• Saving contacts under fake names to avoid detection
• Discussing intimate details with others
• Engaging in flirting that would upset your partner
• Inappropriate touching
• Hiding your relationship status from others
• Still maintaining, or swiping on, an online dating profile
While these are examples of micro-cheating for some relationships, there are no hard-and-fast rules. What one person sees as a violation may
be acceptable to another. What constitutes micro-cheating is personal to each relationship and the people involved, so it can be important to have conversations with a partner so you’re both on the same page regarding boundaries, and what you consider appropriate.
What influences perceptions of micro-cheating?
Factors like personal values, past experiences, and cultural norms, can contribute to what individuals classify as microcheating. For example, someone who values having a strong support network may have no issue with a partner who shares intimate relationship details
>>>
with a friend when they need to. Whereas, someone who has experienced infidelity in the past may have stricter boundaries about what kind of information sharing is appropriate. Similarly, differing attachment styles can influence what people need to feel secure in a relationship. From my experience and knowledge of queer culture, maintaining a friendship and even sharing custody of a pet with an ex is more commonly accepted than in other communities. A 2023
Newsweek survey also revealed differing generational perceptions of cheating, with 43% of those aged 18–24 agreeing that cheating must be ‘physical’ to count. Only
30% of those aged 45–54 felt the same way, highlighting how personal experience shapes what qualifies as cheating.
Whatever micro-cheating means to you, it’s essential that you and your partner(s) define it within your relationship. Otherwise, anyone in the relationship is at risk of inadvertently microcheating, because expectations haven’t been made clear.
Because micro-cheating is such a grey area, it has emotional consequences for all involved. The person who has been hurt may experience mistrust, grief, and
anger. They may feel invalidated if the other person doesn’t ‘believe’ they have cheated at all. The perpetrator may feel guilty after finding out the upset they’ve caused, and this can create a further divide and lack of trust.
So, how do you spot microcheating in the first place?
Counsellor Abigail Holman says, “One of the early signs is a sense of secrecy – perhaps one partner becomes defensive when asked about certain interactions, or starts hiding their phone.”
The world of micro-cheating challenges us to examine not just our actions, but the intentions behind them
You may notice your partner has become preoccupied with one particular person, hides their conversations, or has suddenly changed passwords on their devices. “If either partner starts feeling uneasy, or there’s a noticeable emotional distance, it’s a sign that trust might be at risk,” Abigail adds.
When these feelings arise, it’s important to approach the issue with empathy and openness. “We all have different upbringings, life experiences, and relationship histories, so it’s important not to assume that our partner will have the exact same set of values as we do,” says Abigail. “By listening and understanding their perspective, this can lead to greater emotional intimacy and trust.”
While it’s easy to focus on the behaviours themselves, microcheating often stems from deeper emotional needs. “When
There’s a big difference between raising valid concerns around potential breaches of trust, and controlling or coercive behaviour. Making unreasonable demands for attention, baseless accusations of infidelity, and telling someone what to do, wear, or think are all signs of a potentially abusive relationship. Visit nhs.uk/livewell/getting-help-for-domestic-violence to learn more.
someone struggles with low self-esteem or insecurities, they may seek validation outside their relationship, often in small, subtle ways,” Abigail explains. “Although we often assume a secure relationship would give someone the validation they need, it doesn’t always feel that way for someone with deeprooted insecurities.”
This could be anything from personal insecurities to unresolved trauma from past relationships. “If one partner is seeking emotional support or attention from someone else, it may be a sign that their emotional needs aren’t being fully met,” says Abigail. While this doesn’t excuse the microcheating behaviour, it does suggest that taking time to engage in an open dialogue and understanding its origins could help rebuild the relationship on better foundations.
How to discuss micro-cheating When you suspect someone of micro-cheating, the first step is to share how you feel. This is understandably quite scary, especially if you’re worried
about damaging your bond. “Start by sharing how certain behaviours make you feel, rather than accusing your partner,” says Abigail. “For example, ‘I feel uncomfortable when…’ is a great way to invite a supportive conversation.”
If you’re the perpetrator, now is the time to apologise and take responsibility for your actions. “Rebuilding trust after microcheating can be challenging,” says Abigail, “but it’s definitely possible with time and effort. It’s important to discuss nonnegotiables – things that each person absolutely needs in the relationship – and where there’s room for compromise.”
A breach in trust can offer a unique opportunity to get vocal about your needs and boundaries which, although difficult in the moment, can lead to a deeper connection in the long-term.
Make boundaries, not demands
“When everyone agrees on the rules of the game, there is less room for confusion, and everyone knows where they stand,” explains Abigail. “This means there is less space for grey areas or accidental boundarycrossing, which helps maintain trust and respect.”
Being clear with those you are in relationships with allows you to communicate what makes
“Boundaries respect both partners’ autonomy, whereas demands limit it,” says Abigail. “Setting healthy boundaries means honouring both partners’ feelings, and making sure they reflect a mutual agreement on what feels right.”
The world of micro-cheating challenges us to examine not just our actions, but the intentions behind them. Rather than seeing micro-cheating as a red flag, perhaps we should see it as a chance to improve communication and selfawareness. By talking about our needs, insecurities, and boundaries, we can strengthen our foundations. The goal here isn’t to gain control, but to create trusting relationships where we feel secure enough to be transparent about our emotions. In doing so, we might find that what matters isn’t the precise definition of micro-cheating, but our willingness to understand and respect each other’s emotional needs.
Abigail Holman is a counsellor, coach, and trainer. Discover more on the Counselling Directory. you feel secure. This might mean discussing how much interaction with ex-partners feels comfortable, or what type of sharing feels appropriate. It’s not about making demands, but more about sharing your perspective and being open to hearing theirs.
How can nutrition fuel my body and mind?
Registered nutritionist Dina Hassan answers questions on how nutrition can support our bodies and individual needs
Read more about Dina on the Nutritionist Resource.
How does nutrition support energy levels?
ANutrition provides the essential elements our bodies and minds need to stay active and alert. It is
Q QWhat key nutrients do we need to fuel our bodies and minds?
A Carbohydrates, particularly the complex ones (oats, sweet potatoes, and whole grains), are the primary energy source for our bodies and brains.
Protein sustains our energy, as well as muscle function.
key for fuelling our cells, and maintaining energy levels. Carbohydrates, proteins, fats, vitamins, and minerals work together to help the body convert food into usable energy. Staying hydrated and
Starting the day with a highprotein breakfast like porridge and nut butter, or an egg and spinach omelette, helps set your energy levels up for the day.
Essential fats from sources like nuts, seeds, and avocado support cellular health, cognitive function, and joint health.
A wide range of vitamins and minerals support various bodily functions. B vitamins
eating balanced meals with nutrient-dense foods, like whole grains, fruits, and vegetables, stabilise blood sugar and provide consistent slow-releasing energy, and prevent the highs and lows of energy crashes. and iron are crucial for energy production. Vitamins C and A are antioxidants that protect our cells and immune system. Vitamin D, calcium, and magnesium promote muscle function and bone strength. However, it’s easier to aim for a diverse, whole-food diet in order to obtain the nutrients you need, rather than focus on individual nutrients.
Nutritionist Resource is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need
QI’m looking to get more active. Can a nutritional professional support me with this?
AAbsolutely! Personalisation is the key to optimising your health and fitness. A nutritionist spends time getting to know you, and delving deep into your medical history, diet, and lifestyle so that nutrition plans can be tailored to your dietary requirements, activity levels, and fitness goals. This might include nutrientdense meal ideas to optimise
energy, high-protein postworkout snacks for recovery, or easy-prep meals for those with reduced mobility. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach; the aim is to find the most effective solutions for each individual.
Whether you’re training for an event, you’re just getting started with a new-found love of running, or you’re looking for creative ways to get active with a disability, a nutritionist can provide practical advice that aligns with your needs, as well as the support to help you stay motivated and energised.
What are your top tips for building flexibility and mobility?
• Proper hydration is essential for joint lubrication, flexibility and energy.
• Protein is the main component of muscle. Foods like eggs, lentils, beans, and spinach can help repair tissues and maintain muscle mass.
• Anti-inflammatory foods, such as berries, leafy greens, and oily fish high in omega-3s, help protect muscles and joints.
• Vitamin D deficiency can be a reason for joint pain and muscle weakness, so it’s important to get topped up in the winter.
• Move your body in ways you enjoy, that don’t feel like punishment, to build consistency. For a fun social activity, try a dance class. Or maybe something with purpose, like a charity walk. If you have limited mobility, how about seated yoga? Even micro-movements throughout the day are beneficial – squats at your desk, dancing while cooking, or gentle stretching while watching TV. Honour your abilities, prioritise consistency over intensity, and progress gradually.
Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid
With grey skies, icy temperatures, and impossibly short days, winter in the UK seems to last a lifetime. For one in 20 people, it can also mean living with seasonal affective disorder (SAD). This type of depression comes and goes with the seasons, and while most people associate SAD with the winter months, it is possible to experience symptoms in the summer.
For those supporting a partner or loved one with SAD, watching them struggle with low mood, fatigue, and withdrawal can feel overwhelming. While you can’t change the dreary weather or instantly lift their spirits, understanding SAD and learning how to provide meaningful support can help you both navigate these challenging months.
Recognise the signs
Being aware of how SAD manifests can help you stay alert to any changes in your partner’s mood or behaviour. It’s also worth mentioning that men are more likely to be diagnosed
with SAD than women, and with men accounting for threequarters of all suicides in the UK, encouraging open conversations around mental health is crucial.
Don’t judge
Living with SAD can be incredibly frustrating for the person affected. If you’ve never experienced it yourself, you might struggle to understand why your partner can’t just perk themselves up, or lean into the season by doing things to boost their mood. Know that your partner is not choosing to feel this way, and they probably feel some element of shame or guilt, so try not to exacerbate those feelings by dismissing their condition. Try not to blame them, or pressure them into enjoying themselves. Instead, show compassion and validate their experience by saying things like: “I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I’m here for you.”
Give them gentle encouragement
Getting natural sunlight in the winter months is crucial for anyone with SAD, so try to encourage your partner to get
outside when they can. If they need extra support, offer to take regular outings with them, or ask friends and family to pitch in and help. When the time outside is also a social gathering, this can make it easier to commit to and more enjoyable. But be careful not to pressure them into doing anything they’re not ready for. For example, if they’re feeling exhausted and irritable, trust them when they say they would prefer some alone time instead of seeing friends. When they are at home, do what you can to maximise light during the day. This might mean opening curtains, cutting back trees or foliage from windows, or if they work from home, recommending that they move their desk to a position that maximises light exposure.
Encourage them to seek professional help, and offer practical support to make that happen. SAD is a kind of depression, so it’s best to get a formal diagnosis from a GP to make sure they receive the most effective treatment. The doctor
might be able to offer medication, therapy, or recommend local support groups. Whether you offer to attend the appointment with them, or simply remind them to take their medication, be sure to let them know that you’re there for them, and want them to feel better.
Look after yourself too
Being in a caring role for a loved one is a big responsibility. You may find yourself worrying about the future, harbouring anger towards your partner, or not wanting to be around them when they are depressed. On top of that, you may also experience guilt and shame because of those
• Experiencing a persistently low mood
• Feeling stressed or anxious
• Losing interest in things you normally enjoy
• Low self-esteem
• Decreased sex drive
• Becoming less sociable
• Feeling tearful or sad
• Eating more or less than usual
• Lethargy
• Having trouble concentrating
Think about what boosts your mood and create time for that, aiming to make those activities a key part of your own mental health plan. For example, you
you’re finding the experience, so be sure to open up to people you trust to process those emotions. Talking to a counsellor is also a powerful way to make sense of what you’re feeling while supporting your partner. By taking care of yourself in the process, you’ll be better equipped to provide the care and understanding they need, throughout all the seasons.
When someone you care about is struggling with depression, try these message prompts to help show your support
I just wanted to check in – you haven’t seemed yourself lately. Did you want to talk about it?
I know that when you’re going through a tough time, it can be hard to feel hopeful. But I promise, it won’t feel this way forever.
If you need some space, there’s no pressure at all, but if you’d like some company I can come over tomorrow.
Is there anything I can do to support you right now? I’m happy to pick up some food, or help with some errands.
I noticed you’ve been quite down. If you’re struggling, just know you don’t have to go through it alone. I’m here if you need anything.
I hope you know how much you mean to me. If there’s ever anything I can do to help you, just give me a call.
I know I can’t understand everything you’re feeling right now, but know that I do genuinely care.
If you need a distraction, drop me a message any time!
I know it can be scary to speak to someone about how you’re feeling, but it’s a step that can make such a difference. I can go with you for moral support, or help make calls – I’m here whenever you need me.
You don’t have to put on a brave face or pretend everything is fine – however you’re feeling is OK. If you want to vent, I’m here.
Never feel ashamed or guilty for feeling how you do. You don’t have to justify yourself to anyone.
After countless hours, you’ve finally finished putting together an important document for a project that’s been consuming all of your energy and brain power. Sending it to the key client feels like a relief, a weight off your shoulders. Except, days later, you realise there’s a mistake in it. Your heart sinks as you think of the impact this might have, and your mind starts spiralling with how everyone will believe you’re awful at your job.
Mistakes are a common part of working life, from unfortunate typos to dropping an entire tray
of drinks and hearing a cheer reverberate around the restaurant at your expense. So, what can we do to cope when we make a mistake at work?
Why making a mistake can be distressing
“Making a mistake at work can have such an impact on our wellbeing and cause anxiety because it touches on our sense of safety,” explains life coach Fatima Sabeur. “Just like we can have a secure, anxious, or avoidant, attachment style in relationships in general, we can also feel secure, anxious, or have avoidant
tendencies at work that making an error will put a spotlight on.” When an error arises, we can worry that we’ll be seen as bad at our role, or that we may even lose our job. For a perfectionist, it’s understandable that even a small mistake can leave you feeling frustrated and upset at yourself.
The first thing to say is that everybody makes mistakes, so try to take a moment to calm yourself and then assess the situation – though, in the moment, it can be hard to know what to do. >>>
“Acting proportionally is key,” explains Fatima. “Depending on the nature of the mistake and the impact of it, various stakeholders may need to be involved so that the risks associated with the mistake are managed appropriately.”
If it was a scenario like the email situation I initially described, rectifying the mistake ourselves could be possible simply by re-sending the correct information. However, if things have escalated with a client or customer, or the impact of the error could have more serious repercussions, it may be best to consider relaying the situation to your line manager in order to help address it.
However, for those who are self-employed, there can be the additional pressure of taking responsibility to resolve everything yourself. In this instance, you may want to take some time to consider the possible impact, and, in turn, whether this is something that you need to speak to the client about. Remember, not every little mistake will need flagging – it’s about taking a step back for an objective view, and figuring out the best way forward.
Whether it’s a colleague or a good friend, talking through what’s transpired with someone you trust can help keep things in perspective, as well as identify possible next steps. “Being able to talk to someone we trust about an error helps us gain perspective, especially if we can’t get out of
the ‘beating-ourselves-up’ loop, and they may also be able to offer ideas from their own experiences that’ll lessen the emotional toll that making an error can take on us,” says Fatima.
“Explain what happened, the impact, and what can be done to address it,” Fatima adds. “Once the ‘crisis’ has passed, a discussion about lessons learnt and where to revise processes, for example, can also be helpful. Someone you trust, who has your interests at heart too, will always offer help and insights for you to deal with the situation at hand.”
If you’ve decided the mistake is something that needs raising, admitting what’s happened and apologising shows integrity, and that you care about what you do.
“Taking accountability for a mistake is the first step,” Fatima says. “There is no point in denying a mistake or apportioning blame. In fact, when we take responsibility for a mistake, we often find that others are much more inclined to help us address it.”
While some errors can be harmless in the grand scheme of things, it’s important to acknowledge that others can have a negative or even harmful impact – for example, if there are safety concerns for colleagues or customers as a result. You may need to follow your organisation’s policies around reporting errors or incidents. Sometimes it’s worth seeking advice from a union representative if you’re concerned, especially if you feel
When we take responsibility for a mistake, we often find that others are much more inclined to help us address it
your line manager isn’t being as supportive as you’d like.
If someone has been directly impacted by your mistake, Fatima has some advice. “Apologies and open communication can also go a long way. Whether it’s our feelings or someone else’s, acknowledging the human and emotional impact of an error helps all parties involved to move forward. Even in the case of the most serious errors, the main thing preventing us from moving on is unresolved feelings over a situation that can’t be changed.”
It’s important to recognise that mistakes at work can be opportunities for growth.
“If we’re able to reframe mistakes from something that is bad and to avoid at all costs, to something that may happen, that we can learn from, and, most importantly, we know we can deal with when and where they arise, then it’s much easier to relax and not be paralysed by the thought of making an error,” says Fatima.
“This is not to say that we should let go of rigour, but demystifying mistakes actually frees us up to do our best work, and enhances our confidence. It helps us feel more secure, and neutralises the, often irrational to an extent, fears that we may lose our jobs over the mistake.” There may be practical changes you can make, too. Maybe you’ve realised you need to allow more time to proofread documents, or that you’d appreciate training around customer service to help deal with tricky interactions.
It’s understandable to be upset if you’ve made a mistake. If you find yourself ruminating, especially in your leisure time, try to find enjoyable activities to do, whether having a laugh with a friend or going for a walk. If these thoughts become more difficult, speaking with a therapist can be helpful.
Remember, we all make mistakes at work. “No one is perfect and mistakes will happen,” says Fatima. “It is how we respond to these situations that makes all the difference.”
Stand tall and ease pain with these expert-approved stretches
Improving our posture with some light stretching can hold untold rewards – from reducing aches and pains to preventing injury, and strengthening muscles. Gently explore these targeted movements, holding them for 30 seconds each, and see how you feel – and always remember to warm up first to avoid injury!
If you spend a lot of time sitting down, your hip flexors – the muscle group that runs down the front of your thighs – can become tight, leading to restricted movement and lower back pain. Kneel on your left leg and bend your right leg out in front of you, with that foot flat on the floor. Keeping your back straight, slowly push your hips forward. You should feel a stretch in the upper thigh of your left leg and hip. Repeat on both sides.
Tess
Jewell-Larsen is a yoga therapist, somatic healer, and mindfulness coach. Find out more on the Therapy Directory
.
Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid
Yoga therapist, somatic healer, and mindfulness coach Tess Jewell-Larsen says: “Child’s pose can be powerful because it releases the spine and hips, creating an immediate sense of relief.” First, kneel down and rest your bottom on the heels of your feet. Then, lean forward so your head touches the floor, or use a pillow or yoga block for support. Stretch your arms backwards towards your legs, or in front of your head if that’s easier.
Sedentary lifestyles can lead to rounded shoulders and a forward head posture. By opening up the chest and shoulders, this stretch relieves tension and encourages better posture. Start by placing both forearms on a door frame at shoulder height. Lean forward, keeping your back straight, until you feel a stretch across your chest and shoulders.
Stand with your hands at your hips, knees slightly bent, and fold your torso over your legs, hinging from the hips, not the lower back. Rest your hands on your legs or the floor. Tess stresses the importance of avoiding a rounded upper back and locked knees: “Keeping a slight or generous bend in the knees while still lifting the sit bones (the bony bits of the pelvis under the glutes) helps to lengthen the spine, enhances effectiveness, and reduces the risk of injuring the lower back and hamstrings.”
Start on all fours with your hands under your shoulders and knees under your hips. Inhale deeply while curving your lower back and raising the chin, tilting your pelvis up. To do the reverse, exhale and tuck the belly in, arching your spine and bringing your head and pelvis downwards. “Take your time with the transition from cow to cat,” says Tess. “I like to cue starting the movement from the tailbone, and work to feel the spine flow from the tailbone up to the neck, and then down again.”
In a lifetime, one in two of us will be affected by dementia – either by having it ourselves or caring for someone who does – so it’s vital that we have a good understanding of the reality of the condition
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
According to the Alzheimer’s Society, it’s estimated that around 982,000 people in the UK have dementia, with this number expected to rise to 1.4 million by 2040 as our population continues to grow.
Yet, despite its prevalence, there are a number of myths and misconceptions about dementia that can stifle our understanding of the condition, cause spotting warning signs to become more difficult, and make the lives of those living with dementia harder.
So, here, we’re breaking down seven myths about dementia, and setting the record straight on the reality of the condition.
MYTH 1: DEMENTIA AND ALZHEIMER’S ARE THE SAME THING
Although sometimes used by people interchangeably, dementia and Alzheimer’s disease are not the same thing. Dementia is an umbrella term for conditions associated with loss of memory and other cognitive impairments involving language, problemsolving, and other thinking abilities that interfere with daily life. Alzheimer’s is the most common form of dementia – with WHO estimating it contributes to 60–70% of dementia cases – and it affects people’s memory, thinking, and behaviour. But there are more than 200 subtypes of dementia, including vascular dementia, dementia with
Lewy bodies, frontotemporal dementia, and Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease, to name a few.
MYTH 2: DEMENTIA IS ABOUT MEMORY
Memory loss is often the first thing people think of when considering the symptoms of dementia, but it is not the only one, and dementia can affect many different areas of health. Someone may find that they become slower in their movements, and become more clumsy. There may be personality changes and their mood could shift very quickly, and in the later stages, it can impact things like appetite and other areas of physical health. >>>
Although age is currently the strongest known risk factor in developing dementia, it is not the only cause, with WHO estimating that young onset dementia (when symptoms appear before the age of 65) accounts for up to 9% of cases. In some incidents, dementia can be caused by head trauma, as is the case with chronic traumatic encephalopathy dementia, which can happen following repeated head blows. Other causes of
dementia can include substance abuse over a long period of time, nutritional deficiencies, and emotional problems.
Although, as noted, age is the strongest risk factor in developing dementia, it is not an inevitable part of growing older, or something that will affect everyone. Instead, dementia is something that can develop when the brain is damaged by disease or trauma.
According to the World Health Organization, the main early signs of dementia include:
• Forgetting things or recent events
• Losing or misplacing things
• Getting lost when walking or driving
• Being confused, even in familiar places
• Losing track of time
• Difficulties solving problems or making decisions
• Problems following conversations or trouble finding words
• Difficulties performing familiar tasks
• Misjudging distances to objects visually
• Feeling anxious, sad, or angry about memory loss
• Personality changes
• Inappropriate behaviour
• Withdrawal from work or social activities
• Being less interested in other people’s emotions
In addition to age, other risk factors for dementia include depression, social isolation, cognitive inactivity, and even air pollution. There are also things that people can do to decrease their risk of developing dementia, including staying active, not smoking and cutting back on drinking alcohol, eating a healthy diet, and maintaining healthy blood pressure, cholesterol, and blood sugar levels.
MYTH 5: DEMENTIA AFFECTS MEN AND WOMEN EQUALLY Women have a higher risk of developing dementia than men –mostly due to the fact that women live longer than men, and old age is the greatest overall risk factor, but there could be other causes. Research into why this might be is still ongoing, but there are several lines of investigation, including the link between dementia and menopause, and oestrogen’s protective effects on brain health. But, in addition to having an increased risk of developing dementia, women are more likely to be impacted by dementia in the form of additional care responsibilities. According to WHO, women provide 70% of care hours for people living with dementia. And, in its report on women’s unpaid dementia care, the Alzheimer’s Society highlighted the impact this can
have on women’s paid work, and made the call to the government to increase carer’s leave provision.
MYTH 6: DEMENTIA IS A MENTAL ILLNESS
Dementia is not a mental illness, it is a term describing diseases that affect cognition. That said, some of the symptoms and behaviours share similarities with mental health problems. For example, hallucinations are common symptoms, and include visual hallucinations (seeing things that aren’t there), auditory hallucinations (hearing things), olfactory hallucinations (smelling things), tactile hallucinations (feeling things), and gustatory hallucinations (tasting things). Additionally, there is comorbidity between dementia and depression and anxiety – with a study published in Alzheimer’s & Dementia: Diagnosis, Assessment & Disease Monitoring finding that between 30% and 50% of people diagnosed with Alzheimer’s experience symptoms consistent with depression, including mood changes, social withdrawal, apathy, or suicidal ideation.
MYTH 7: THERE IS NO HOPE FOLLOWING A DEMENTIA DIAGNOSIS
While there is currently no cure for dementia, there are ways that it can be treated to
help slow its progression, or to relieve symptoms. This includes medications, lifestyle changes, talking therapies, and other support services such as groups and specialists.
Work can also be done to support those with dementia in having the best quality of life possible. It may be helping them to engage in meaningful activities, music therapy, memory crafts, or just being there as a supportive, safe person in their life.
Every day, researchers around the world are working on new treatments and increasing our understanding of the condition. For example, in 2023, the Alzheimer’s Society won the bid for £5 million from the People’s Postcode Lottery Dream Fund, which has been used to fund research into blood biomarkers for dementia diagnosis – something that could transform the process in
the future. New medications are being developed to help treat the symptoms, including donanemab, which could slow down memory and thinking decline in people living with the early stages of Alzheimer’s. So far, in results from the TRAILBLAZER-ALZ 2 Phase 3 study, it has been found to slow clinical decline by 35% compared to placebo, and resulted in 40% less decline in the ability to perform activities of daily living.
For the millions of people affected by dementia, the pain that follows a diagnosis can be immense. Trials such as these offer some hope during a time when things feel hopeless, and are a sign that support and treatment can, and will, keep getting better.
For more information on dementia, as well as guidance on where to seek support, visit alzheimers.org.uk
Dementia is an umbrella term for conditions associated with loss of memory and other cognitive impairments
A cosy, nutritious soup to warm you from the inside out
Writing | Reema Pillai
Make the most of the cold winter nights with a hot bowl of soup, which is simple to make and can be ready in less than 45 minutes. Not only is it a versatile recipe, the soup stores well in the fridge, and can be frozen in batches to enjoy at
a future date. This soup recipe makes the most of ingredients that are in season, including leeks, carrots, kale, celery, and lemons. You can enjoy it with or without a piece of bread, as the butter beans will add bulk to the soup, keeping you well satisfied and comforted.
Serves 4
• 1 tbsp olive oil
• 1 large leek, washed and thinly sliced
• 2 large carrots, washed and finely diced
• 2 large celery sticks, washed and finely diced
• 4 garlic cloves, chopped or minced
• 1 tsp dried rosemary or thyme (or 3 tbsp fresh), chopped
• 200g cavolo nero or curly kale, washed, middle stem discarded, and finely chopped
• 1 litre vegetable broth
• 2 x 400g tins of butter beans, drained and rinsed
• Juice of 1 lemon
• Chilli flakes (optional)
• Salt & pepper to taste
• Parmesan cheese, or vegetarian alternative (optional)
Method
1. In a large pot or saucepan, heat the olive oil over medium heat. Add the leeks, carrots, and celery, and sauté for 8 minutes until the vegetables start to soften.
2. Add in the garlic and herbs, cook for another minute until fragrant, and then add the kale, mixing well until wilted.
3. Add the vegetable broth and drained beans. Mix well and simmer until the vegetables are
cooked, roughly a further 5–10 minutes.
4. At this stage, you have the option to blend the ingredients so that it makes a smooth soup. However, I prefer to keep it unblended, for extra texture.
5. Stir in the lemon juice and optional chilli flakes, and season to taste.
6. Serve in bowls and top with a grating of parmesan cheese (or vegetarian alternative).
The healthy bit
This recipe is packed full of high-fibre ingredients, which are great for feeding our healthy gut bacteria, and supporting immune function. Providing a range of fibres from different sources (from vegetables and also beans) has been associated with the reduced risk of heart disease, type 2 diabetes, stroke, and bowel cancer. Regular fibre intake supports digestive health, and keeps us regular.
Consuming the fibre with liquid is important to help reduce the risk of constipation, so consuming these foods in a soup form only helps further!
The beans are not only for flavour and texture, but also provide a mixture of carbohydrates and protein, supporting energy levels, and the regeneration of tissues and muscles in the body. Butter beans are a rich source of manganese, zinc, iron, and magnesium, as well as a range
of B vitamins, which support the conversion of energy from the food that we eat.
The addition of fresh lemon juice provides a little acidity to help lift the flavour, as well as an important dose of vitamin C. When consuming foods that provide a vegetarian source of iron (such as kale), pairing it with a source of vitamin C greatly supports its absorption in the body, which is important to note as those who follow a vegetarian and vegan diet can be at higher risk of developing iron deficiency.
Adding a sprinkle of parmesan or vegetarian alternative on the top will provide a small amount of fats, along with the olive oil used in the recipe. This supports the body to absorb nutrients that are known as fat-soluble vitamins, including vitamins A, D, E, and K. Kale is a rich source of vitamins A and K, and the fats in this recipe will help these vitamins to be better absorbed during digestion.
To mix things up, you can swap the beans for other varieties, including chickpeas or haricot beans, or even use red or green lentils, to provide a different combination of flavours and textures every time!
Reema Pillai is a registered dietitian, specialising in weight management, gut health, and kidney disease.
Visit the Nutritionist Resource for more.
Welcome to Anxiety on Your Mind, the series where we explore the reality of living with anxiety. In this edition, Kushie talks about how city life is affecting her mental health
Writing | Kushie Amin as told to Fiona Fletcher Reid
Monday morning started with scrolling on social media, and the news about the US election result was not great. It’s been making me anxious and quite despairing, like nothing’s getting better. It just made me feel a lot of anger and frustration. My job is in communications, and I work from home most of the week, so I went outside for some fresh air and that helped. But I have my period this week, and I have premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) which makes my emotions intense, so I just accepted it was going to be one of those weeks.
On Tuesday, it was hard to get out of bed. I felt lost and unsure of myself. I think I was still impacted by the news and feeling in shock. My morning walk to the office takes me on a route through a park; I love the peace and quiet, but today a dog ran up and jumped on me, barking in my face. I’m terrified of dogs, so that gave me a fright. I started screaming, which was embarrassing! And I was angry
at the dog owner, who seemed so casual about it.
Being around my colleagues boosted my mood and calmed me down, though I still felt edgy. That evening, I had dinner with my family and chatted to my sister about my day. A sense of community is something that is really important to me. Sometimes, I get frustrated and think I’d like to live alone, but I’m grateful to have family around. In 2023, I took eight months out of work and lived in a small town in France. Being away helped my anxiety because it gave me perspective. It was nothing like London – no busy traffic or large crowds. Everyone knew everyone, and that was very calming.
On Wednesday I was working in the office. It’s near a university campus, which I enjoy because I’m a big people watcher, and it gives me time to reflect. London can feel so fast-paced and isolating. Many of my close friends live outside of London or abroad, and today I found myself longing for France, remembering how easy it was to just walk down the road and meet
a friend. My life feels like a rinse and repeat: going to work, going for a walk. I think I need to get better at planning things into my week to make life more enjoyable. It’s very different from when I was living abroad and felt a real sense of community. The cost of travelling to see friends is another worry. I’m often trying to find ways to socialise without spending money. These anxious thoughts are why I end up not doing much, even though I know it would help my mental health.
On Thursday I slept until 9am because I was working from home. When I get a good amount of sleep, I feel so much better. I’ve got a good bedtime routine, I take magnesium, and read to stop myself from scrolling on my phone. I’ve found new ways to cope with my anxiety because, in the past, I used to cope by endlessly ordering takeaway food. But with the cost of living crisis, I’m watching every penny. Making sure I’m saving money is another source of anxiety, so today I bought things from the supermarket to make avocado on
toast. It felt good knowing I was saving money and eating well.
On Friday, I had to talk myself into doing a lunchtime fitness class. I could have easily stayed in bed, but it helped me get rid of the anxious energy. The gym feels like a space where no one is watching me – it’s just me in my head, but in a good way. The trainers at my gym are amazing because they speak in motivational words of affirmation, and never about weight loss. They focus on helping you feel the best version of yourself.
That evening, I went to an event discussing the US election result, and the experts on the panel felt similar to me – confused and helpless. It made me feel less alone. I even met a nice woman and we exchanged details, hoping to get coffee together soon.
One thing I’ve noticed this week is how much the news impacts my anxiety. I carry that weight with me always. I’m trying to stay engaged, but also trying to know when to switch off. I realised I’m hibernating a lot and could be making more plans, instead of spending too much time in my own head. Thankfully, Saturday and Sunday were calmer. I’m conscious of not falling into old patterns of scrolling social media all day. I journaled and allowed myself to rest. I definitely get the ‘Sunday scaries’ – and I’m already dreading the week ahead – but I’m learning to manage them.
Going through life transitions can be daunting, so as we step into unfamiliar territory, we often rush to reach the other side. But what if pausing rather than pushing through could actually make reaching a new life stage easier?
Writing | Katie Scott
Ihave spent the lead up to every life transition feeling anxious. These can be big changes like a house move, a career change, my children’s journey from primary to secondary school, or even buying a new car. But the smaller changes also fluster me. I think of a transition as something I need to push through – and fast. I spend more time looking backwards, and sometimes mourning the statusquo that is about to alter, than I do thinking about what the future will look like.
We are hard-wired to see uncertainty as a threat, explains Dr Tanmeet Sethi. An integrative physician, TEDx speaker, and author, she explains that transitions always have an
element of the unknown. You are stepping from an experience you have lived – and therefore know –to something new. “This actually puts our brain in a threat mode, because we like to know what’s around the corner. Anytime we don’t, we are more vigilant and more on edge,” Dr Sethi says.
With a life-changing transition, this means we can be on high alert for months, which has implications for our health. It’s only when we can clearly see the path ahead, and recognise that it isn’t fraught with difficulty, that we will step down from this state of alert.
Dr Sethi argues that we need to change how we view uncertainty to gain more than momentary respite before we face another upheaval, and offers guidance on
how to do it: “If you can come to a place where you see uncertainty as not a threat, but as part of life – not as the exception, but instead as the default – then we start to feel safer through a time of uncertainty. And that feeling of safety settles our nervous system.”
Dr Sethi speaks about the transition of her son leaving to go to college in these terms. It is a natural progression, and though it brings changes, in physical proximity for a start, she doesn’t fear it.
Dr Avanti Kumar-Singh concedes that this is made trickier by the speed at which we live, and the constant flux in our interactions. Both in her former role as an ER doctor and now as an Ayurveda practitioner, she recognises that uncertainty can be relentless. >>>
“We have things coming at us 24/7. Our nervous system literally doesn’t have a break, as there isn’t a natural break for things to calm down in our environment. We don’t run away from the lion and then the threat ends. We’re constantly scanning for the next thing, whether the next email or the next call,” she explains.
We hurry through transitions because we are uncomfortable sitting with uncertainty, and we have this ever-pressing need to push on. Dr Kumar-Singh says: “We live in a world that prizes productivity and achievement above all else. We rush through transitions because we want to move on to the next thing, as we have a list of a thousand things we need to do.” In doing this, we often just rush straight into another transitional moment.
Dr Kumar-Singh had a journey through cancer treatment last year, and remembers doing just this. “From September to December, post-treatment, I was in such a rush to just get back to life that I was not allowing myself to have that pause.”
She describes how she jumped right back into work and pushed on with finishing her second book. “It was a time when a lot of emotions were coming up, and there was a lot of fear and uncertainty,” Dr Kumar-Singh shares. As the end of the year neared, she realised she had pushed through a transition. “I had this awareness that I was just doing the same thing that I used to do before.”
We can consciously choose to slow down or opt out to allow time to calm down. An incentive is the
reframing of transitions as ‘liminal spaces’. Dr Sethi describes them as a “space between what was and what is yet to be”. She sees transitions now as opportunities to pause and reflect. It takes practice, she admits. “I don’t think this is something that you figure out. I think it’s something that you live into. The more you live into it, I think the more easily you notice these opportunities,” Dr Sethi says, adding that it is actually “a privilege to pause”.
Dr Kumar-Singh decided to visit India with her sister at the end of her treatment, and, afterwards, had the dawning realisation that she had inadvertently created one such pause for herself in doing this. “I allowed myself some space and time to be away from my family who had been very involved in my healing journey.
Dr Tanmeet Sethi shares her top tips: HOW
Pause and notice you are in a transition. This is important so that you can slow down and be in the moment, instead of pushing through.
2
Accept that nothing is permanent. All transitions are normal and part of life. See this moment as a part of life to live, instead of one to end quickly
3
Make an intention for this transition. What is it you want to learn or get out of this time?
4
Create any rituals you can, small or large, to ground yourself in something predictable as you navigate uncertainty.
5
Harness the power of community. Ask for support and guidance. None of us are meant to go through transitions alone.
I really needed to be somewhere else, and just have that time to pause and think about the transition from treatment to posttreatment, to recovery, to life.”
Dr Sethi also forced herself to pause during a transition, but shares how difficult it was. After leaving a job she had held for 20 years, she felt a wave of emotions – including frustration, irritation, and impatience – as she figured out her next step. She says: “I realised that was just me being uncomfortable in a state of relative rest. I then thought that I had better stay here a little bit. I did stay there longer, and it was really uncomfortable – I admit it. I had to do that though to really understand what I wanted in that space to come. Sometimes we run through because we think we’re supposed to get to the next thing, because that’s the answer. I think I would have missed the answer for myself if I had done that.”
Transitions are an opportunity to pause before we go on, to take stock of what has gone before, and think about the path ahead. It may take a conscious decision to slow down, and it will mean reframing transitional moments as not only natural, but also valuable. Whether arriving home from work or changing career, these moments should be acknowledged before we rush onwards.
Dr Tanmeet Sethi is an integrative mental health and psychedelic medicine physician (tanmeetsethimd. com). Dr Avanti Kumar-Singh is the founder and director of ARVAS Integrated Wellness (avantikumarsingh.com).
With one in six UK buildings at risk of flooding, here’s how to make a plan to protect your home and loved ones
Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid
Wet winters are like water off a duck’s back to most Britons, but climate change is presenting unprecedented challenges, with flooding emerging as a critical issue for homeowners. The University of Bristol published a research paper in Natural Hazards and Earth System Sciences in 2023, revealing that flood-related costs are steadily increasing, now reaching approximately £740 million annually.
Flooding is no longer just a riverside issue. Surface water flooding – triggered by intense rainfall on hard surfaces – now represents the fastest-growing risk, affecting towns, cities, and dry landscapes. The 2023 record-breaking wet weather, which contributed to England’s second-worst harvest since 1983, underscores the potential cost to local communities.
But preparing for flood risks is not about fearing the worst, but instead, taking practical steps to build resilience in an increasingly unpredictable climate. Depending on the severity of the flooding, there may be no way to fully protect you and your home. But there are things you can do to limit the damage.
The more you know, the more prepared you can be. Stay up to date with the latest flood warnings in your area by visiting gov.uk/ check-flooding, and check if your home insurance covers flood damage. Having this knowledge will save a lot of potential stress. Simple measures like tiling, raising electrical sockets, and installing non-return valves can cut repair expenses by up to 73%, and, in high-risk
areas, local councils or the Environment Agency may offer funding for flood protection measures. Keep sandbags, flood boards, and plastic sheeting ready to seal doorways, and prevent sewage backflow. Begin to prepare now by making an emergency kit to help you get to safety quicker. In a waterproof bag, store a paper copy of all your emergency contact numbers, home insurance details, any important documents, a torch, medication, water, clean clothes, spare glasses or contact lenses, and a first aid kit. If you have a car, put the spare keys in the bag along with an extra set of house keys. You should also make an evacuation plan for your family and pets. This means deciding how you will exit the property safely, and making a list of potential places to stay
temporarily if needed. Consider checking in on your neighbours, especially elderly or vulnerable people, and include them in your plan if required. Think about how you will stay in touch with people you know if you become separated, but don’t assume you’ll be able to rely on mobile phones to communicate. Identify two meeting places – one close by, the other slightly further away – in case the flood is widespread.
If you’re in immediate danger, call the emergency services right away. If you need to evacuate, turn off the main power before you leave as a safety precaution. Most insurance policies will cover alternative accommodation needs, but it’s best to check this in advance to make sure. If you’re renting or are unable to find suitable accommodation, contact your local council. They should have measures in place to provide emergency shelter. Whether you evacuate or not, it’s important that you don’t walk or swim through floodwater, as it can flow a lot faster than you realise and contain hidden dangers. A car can float in just two feet of water, and floodwater can be contaminated with sewage, so steer clear of it
entirely. If you do make contact with floodwater, wash yourself thoroughly afterwards and change your clothes.
While there will naturally be a lot of difficult emotions to navigate if your home has been affected by flooding, alongside anxiety about safety and finances, and the general distress the whole event can cause, there are a few practical steps that will help you in the aftermath.
If you’ve had to evacuate your property, don’t return until you’ve got the all-clear from emergency services. Contact your utilities provider before turning the power back on, as they should be able to send an engineer to ensure it’s safe, as well as carry out any repairs. Be sure to throw away any food that has been contaminated with floodwater, and boil tap water until it’s been declared safe to drink. Alternatively, use bottled water where you can.
Take lots of photographs to document any damage to your property, and contact your insurer as soon as possible to initiate your claim. Make sure you tell your insurer if you’re a vulnerable customer, e.g. disabled or elderly, as they might prioritise your claim.
Remember, you don’t have to deal with everything alone. You can ask for support from loved ones to help you with all the phone calls and logistical problems caused by flooding, like finding alternative accommodation or travel solutions. Most people who have experienced flooding will tell you that the impact of the event can echo for years to come. So acknowledge that dealing with flooding can be an emotional roller coaster, and if you’re struggling, don’t be afraid to ask for support to navigate the ups and downs.
Helplines, such as Samaritans, can provide support to anyone in emotional distress or struggling to cope.
Call Samaritans’ free helpline 24 hours a day on 116 123.
From sourcing joy to acknowledging strife, we’re exploring key support points for dealing with the transition to motherhood
Writing | Emma Stokes
Coined in 1973 by anthropologist Dana Raphael, the term ‘matrescence’ describes the change we go through when we enter the new phase of motherhood, and it’s thought to occur across five dimensions: psychological, relational, social, neurological, and biological. “No one tells mothers to prepare for [matrescence], but they tell you what baby registry items to get,” says Jess Ringgenberg, coach, consultant, and matrescence expert. “There is very little support in the workforce, and most women are not taught about wellbeing or
how to thrive. Add in raising a child, and the entire identity shift can lead to shock, ambivalence, and grief – and it can follow them for their entire life.”
Spanning across the dimensions of matrescence, we’re highlighting four pillars that support your sense of self during this time.
Acknowledge the changes, and your feelings around them
The NHS states that more than one in every 10 women will experience postnatal depression after having a baby, and significant physical changes are also common. With all that
in mind, it goes without saying that life will likely look and feel very different at the beginning of motherhood.
It’s impossible to move forward from any stage of life until you have acknowledged your life has shifted. Whether this pertains to your relationships, career, personal time, or daily routines, accepting and embracing this new phase allows you to prioritise your personal wellbeing. Some people may find solace in selfhelp practices such as journaling, but others may need more guided support, be that from a counsellor or other qualified mental health professional.
“The reality of parenting might not fit the expectation we had for ourselves, as we hurtle fullthrottle into a new world of feeding, sleeping, caring, and nurturing,” says integrative counsellor Georgina Sturmer. “By acknowledging the existence of matrescence, we allow space for the idea that our bodies, reactions, emotions, and identity might feel different. Possibly even unrecognisable.”
As instructed on an aeroplane, putting on your own mask first is not an act of selfishness, but a necessity for survival. Peanut’s ‘Invisible Mothers’ campaign found that 94% of women believe that they are expected to prioritise the needs of their families, partners, jobs, and other responsibilities over their own. But this, inevitably, will take its toll.
You are allowed to fill your own cup in order to safely care for those who rely on you. That will look different for each of us, but it could be ensuring that you are still eating a balanced diet (perhaps you make sure all the
food groups are accounted for on your child’s plate, but your own is bland), splitting night-time responsibilities (where possible) so that you can get some solid hours of sleep, and ensuring you attend medical appointments if you have any health concerns of your own. As a parent, you have the right to approach responsibilities with renewed energy and focus, without being called inconsiderate for doing so.
Loneliness and isolation can be common experiences during this period. But, despite feelings of embarrassment and awkwardness, discovering your tribe and accepting help allows you to thrive in the changes of identity and the challenges of parenthood. “It absolutely does take a village to raise a child, and it also takes a village to help a parent,” says Georgina.
For some people, this could consist of friends and family. But there are other methods of connecting with people, too. You may find your people at local baby classes found in community spaces and libraries. Or you could
turn to technology and connect with other mothers on the apps Peanut, Bumble BFF, or MeetUp – as well as join online groups and forums.
According to data from The Research Moms, less than a quarter of mothers said they put in ‘a lot of effort’ to keep up with their own hobbies, while 20% said they put in ‘no effort at all’ because they have other priorities.
It’s common to feel as though our personal lives have paused when starting a family, but discovering or continuing a much-loved hobby or interest can provide an invaluable opportunity to maintain your sense of self. Engaging in an activity that brings you joy can also serve as a positive influence for those around you. Prioritising joy and selfcare alongside your other responsibilities will not only establish a strong foundation for your children’s future, but will also give you the chance to lead by example.
(and what they tell us about how we’re feeling)
From holding a beach ball underwater to trying to fix the roof in a storm, discover the power of metaphors when it comes to expressing difficult feelings
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler Illustrating | Rosan Magar
Sometimes, it’s hard to find the right words to describe what we’re going through. The feelings can be too big, too complex, and sometimes just too elusive to sum up – and we can find ourselves struggling to express how we’re feeling or what we need. This is where metaphors step in. A common, evidencebased tool sometimes used in talking therapies to capture these incomprehensive feelings, metaphors are creative or symbolic ways of talking about things, and can help us to see our experiences from another angle. Here, we’re rounding up 10 mental health metaphors, and delving into what they can tell us about the things we feel, and the journeys we’re on.
There’s a reason why every house should have a smoke detector – it
senses danger and saves lives. It’s always there, working in the background, and when it gets a whiff of a fire it allows you to act quickly to get yourself and loved ones to safety. However, sometimes the smoke alarm goes off when you’ve burnt toast.
Like a smoke detector, anxiety is there to alert us to danger. When we’re anxious, our body goes into flight or fight mode, preparing us to deal with whatever threat is coming our way. But it could be that the ‘threat’ is a speeding car we didn’t see coming, or it could be walking into a room where we don’t know anyone – two very different scenarios, same reaction.
Like a smoke detector, anxiety can’t distinguish between real and perceived threats, and so the reaction is the same for both. Knowing this allows us to understand why our bodies
are reacting the way they are –offering a moment of pause for us to take back control.
This one is all about understanding the importance of giving yourself time and patience when it comes to addressing mental health problems. The things that you are experiencing could have built up over a long period of time, so it wouldn’t be fair to expect yourself to be able to just shrug them off overnight. That’s not to say that there’s an exact science to recovering (for example, if anxiety has built up over two months, it’s not necessarily going to take an equal amount of time to feel better), but this metaphor helps address how important patience and realistic goals are on this journey.
The idea of depression or low mood being like a ‘black dog’ that follows you around is often attributed to Winston Churchill. The International Churchill Society disputes the assumption that Churchill himself lived with depression, and the metaphor actually goes back to the Roman poet Horace – but, nonetheless, the image has struck a chord with many who do live with depression.
Here, the idea is that depression is something that follows you around in the background; it can feel menacing at times, while at others it may blend into the shadows – but its presence is a constant weight on your mind. >>>
Humans don’t come with instructions, but we can give ourselves an emotional ‘service’
can’t share it out, right? This metaphor is referring to the importance of taking care of your emotional wellbeing before trying to support others, or taking on more responsibility.
Imagine your energy levels are held in a cup, and every challenge you face throughout the day depletes it a little until you end up with nothing left. You need to ‘refill your cup’, with restorative self-care activities before you can pour some of your emotional energy into another cup (i.e. supporting a friend or completing a difficult task).
Imagine you’re in a swimming pool, and you’ve got one of those inflatable beach balls with you.
You push it under the water, and hold it there. For a while, everything’s fine but, eventually, the pressure becomes too much, or you lose your grip a little, and the beach ball comes flying to the surface and up into the air –potentially smacking you in the face on its way.
In this image, the beach ball represents repressed feelings. Yes, you can hold them under the surface temporarily, but after some time, they’re going to break free, and they could make quite the splash when they do.
Just like the warning lights on a car dashboard, negative emotions can indicate that something isn’t right – but then it’s up to us to
figure out precisely what the problem is. Now, unlike a car, humans don’t come with an instruction manual, but we can give ourselves an emotional ‘service’ by exploring what these feelings could be telling us.
For example, feeling more irritable than usual could tell us we’re overworking. Feeling on edge may be a sign that there’s something bigger troubling us below the surface. Feeling apathetic is sometimes a sign that we need to spend some time recharging.
This one is technically a simile, but the message is the same. You can think of trauma like sunburn – something happens
Am I in a bad climate, or is it bad weather?
to you and it results in pain and discomfort.
sunburn, you can also feel very sensitive – and when the sunburn is bad, you definitely need to stay out of the sun for a while.
Am I in a bad climate, or is it bad weather? This is something you can ask yourself when you want to check in about something you’re experiencing.
‘Bad weather’ would refer to a temporary feeling – for example, a low mood – and the key thing is that it does eventually pass. Whereas ‘bad climate’ is referencing larger, chronic problems – in this example, it could be depression. Whether you’re in a bad climate or bad weather will determine your next steps, so it’s one to ponder on.
No one likes intrusive thoughts – the kind of thoughts that turn up unexpectedly, dominate your mind and distract you from things you should be enjoying, just like an uninvited party guest.
Now you have an uninvited guest at your party, and they’re sucking the joy out of the room – so, what are you going to do about it? On one hand, you could confront them and ask them to leave, but there’s a chance you could waste the whole party battling with them. Or, the other option is to acknowledge that they’re there, but then focus on having a good time anyway. Which will it be?
Say you’ve got some holes in the roof of your house that are causing a leak. You know you need to fix it, but when do you get to work? Well, you’re probably not going to have much luck if you try repairing the holes in the middle
of a rain storm. You need to wait for the storm to pass before you can do a real fix – but you can still put down buckets to keep things under control.
This metaphor is all about focusing on realistic fixes while you’re in the thick of things. Your ‘buckets’ might be reaching out to people you trust, taking some time off to focus on feeling better, or booking an appointment to begin professional support. These things make all the difference now, and then allow you to focus on the big repairs once the eye of the storm has passed.
So, which metaphors and images resonate with you? It could be one explored here, or you might find that there’s a completely different way of describing something you’re going through, but which perfectly communicates the heart of the problem. Whatever it is, this handy tool can make all the difference in not only better understanding ourselves and others, but conveying that, too.
Beyond our award-winning monthly magazine, our shop hosts a range of creative items, designed to inspire, engage, entertain, and empower you, including:
Anti-anxiety guided journal
Self-reflection guide
Reflect & flourish: affirmation cards
Winds of change: 3-piece artwork collection
Question of thought: puzzle booklet
DIY self-care booklet
From our print journals helping you gain a deeper understanding of your true self, to our digital downloads featuring uplifting sentiments and actionable advice, continue your wellbeing journey with us.
From a fascinating read about well-known writers and their secrets behind the craft to another recounting the forgotten species that once roamed our planet, we’re revealing four books to add to your reading list
Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird
There are many who can read a piece of writing and feel fulfilled. But, there are some that feel so passionate about what they’ve read that their curiosity compels them to go to great lengths to research and seek an understanding into the creative process, and inspiration behind
Lost Wonders by Tom
Lathan
In Lost Wonders, journalist Tom Lathan gives us the opportunity to learn about 10 of the world’s most incredible species that once graced our planet, before sadly becoming extinct. Drawing on recollections from conservationists, it’s a stark reminder to help prevent more species from becoming endangered as climate change intensifies.
it all. And, as with any great craft, there usually is a story to be told. Journalist Hattie Crisell interviews 50+ well-known creatives, from authors and poets to screenwriters and journalists, to share their secrets about where their ideas come from, what success in writing looks like to them, how we can find
Curiously by Beth Coates and Elizabeth Foley
How did the Victorians communicate through flowers? What would happen to you in a black hole? Those are just some of the fascinating questions answered in this fantastic book of curiosities. We know that living curiously is beneficial for our wellbeing, so spend a few minutes a day learning something out of the ordinary.
In Writing: Conversations on Inspiration, Perspiration and Creative Desperation by Hattie
Crisell
our flow, and more. So, whether you’re a writer yourself or are just keen to understand the minds behind great writing, this might just be the book for you.
The Book of Gifts by Lucy
Claire Dunbar
Life may have thrown a lot of curveballs your way, but don’t forget about the precious gifts that you are granted as well. For those days when you need reminding of the good in the world, be uplifted by beautiful handillustrated artwork from artist Lucy Dunbar on the themes of friendship, love, hope, courage, and more.
They say ‘imagination is key’, and while it can conjure up creative solutions and embolden dreams, there are times when it leads us down a rabbit hole of catastrophising. But can this overthinking anxiety ever be used to our advantage – and how do we adapt to keep it in check?
From myths and legends, and featuring in cultures across history, the crystal ball has been a prized asset that allows its possessor to see into the future. This idea no doubt piques your curiosity. So, imagine I could give you a tool that would allow you to do just that: predict the future. Well, you’ve just conjured the incredible gift that is your imagination – your very own crystal ball. Being able to see future possibilities allowed our predecessors to come up with creative ways to track and capture prey, as well as helped them survive. And in modern day terms, many of us will have used our imaginations to problem-solve –whether in relation to a project at work, or a personal challenge – and recognise the power of identifying and stopping risks before they become tangible issues.
However, one thing I have learned about our brains is that for every upside, there is a downside. And, unfortunately, our imagination is no different. Many people struggle
with anxiety and the cognitive (or thinking) part of it.
While we all experience worries from time to time, those with anxiety tend to overthink as our imaginations run rife. If you think about the types of things that you worry about on a regular basis, the common ones likely include:
• What if I can’t pay my mortgage or rent?
• What if I lose my job?
• What if my pension is not enough to support me?
• What if my partner leaves me?
• What if I get a serious illness? Do you notice what all these worries have in common? They are all concerns about the future. This is your imagination at work. It’s trying to do its job, which is to keep you safe by predicting the future (and essentially any threats). Your brain is a prediction machine. Well, there is another commonality that these worries have. Have you noticed that they are all potentially negative future scenarios? Your brain is heavily biased to the negative
Steve Maher is a consultant, professional coach, psychotherapist, and writer. Connect with him via the Life Coach Directory.
when thinking about the future, sometimes called catastrophic thinking. This can create psychological distress, especially when coupled with worry’s steroid-fuelled relative, rumination. So why do some people worry more than others, and how could this burden ever be considered a benefit?
Looking to our closest relatives might provide the answer. Over the years, numerous studies have observed groups of chimpanzees and tribe behaviour, including the work of primatologist and conservationist Dian Fossey. These have noted differing characteristics, similar to humans, with some of the tribe being more skittish and anxious, whereas others are more calm. Reports have suggested that the
anxious primates tend to check the periphery of the tribe for danger, experiencing restless nights, often waking to check everything is OK. Could it be that the anxious ones actually help the group to spot incoming predators or approaching rival tribes? This anxious behaviour could, therefore, keep the whole group safe.
So, when we think of human behaviour, it’s possible that having anxious people around us plays an important role in the wider social group’s success, too. Maybe anxiety isn’t there just to torture us, in fact perhaps it’s trying its best to help us navigate life more safely and
protect us from harm – whether real or imagined.
While I hope knowing your anxiety can have real value can offer some comfort for those experiencing it, here are a few powerful tips that have helped many of my clients manage their anxiety on an ongoing basis:
• Write it down. With clients often coming to me because their level of worry is keeping them up at night, and torturing them during the day, they tend to find it quite easy to create a list similar to that suggested earlier. Having this as a reference point, we revisit the
list in a month or six weeks’ time. And guess what? It is rare that any of the things they were worrying about actually happened. Having this evidence can help you to distinguish between those real or imagined threats.
• If you can, take action. A useful extension to writing down worries and auditing them, is to do something concrete to address the worry. For example, if you are worried about your pension pot, then sit down and work out if it’s enough. Remove the doubt. If it is not, consider creating a savings plan to address the shortfall. Having a plan will normally be enough to calm the brain.
• A thought is just a thought. A common issue I notice with clients is their identification with their thoughts. So I encourage them to stop and think. Are you your thoughts? The answer is no. One way to discover this is through taking up mindfulness or meditation practices. This means learning to sit and focus on a home base, like your breath. As you do this, you will realise that your thoughts come and go. Grabbing on to our thoughts is what causes our distress, just as learning to let them go as easily as they came can be liberating.
Having a powerful imagination to predict the future is an extremely useful tool, like having your own crystal ball. However, the worry and anxiety that comes with that gift, can cause many of us distress in our day-to-day lives. Realising that our brains are trying to help us can give comfort. However, learning techniques to calm and soothe the mind is often the key.
Women wrestling with sickness are often reluctant to tell family and friends, because they’re worried their struggles will be minimised or dismissed. Society tells us that we should feel joyful during pregnancy, but this isn’t always the case. Pregnancy involves huge physical, hormonal, and emotional changes, which can lead to difficult emotions like fear, stress, regret, and guilt. Feeling physically unwell can intensify these feelings – especially if pregnancy isn’t what you imagined it would be. When we fail to live up to this ideal image –feeling happy, healthy, and excited – there may be disappointment or sadness.
“This is an area that is not widely spoken about, and yet it can negatively affect the mental health, quality of life, and functional capacity of women,” says Joanne Jackson, a psychotherapist and spokesperson for the UK Council for Psychotherapy. “The emotional impact of nausea and sickness during pregnancy is complex, and co-exists alongside feelings of anxiety, depression, panic, anger, helplessness, and desperation.”
For some women, sickness can be accompanied by embarrassment or shame. Often, pregnancy sickness is trivialised as being a ‘woman’s problem’, which can mean people suffer in silence or underplay their experiences, instead of speaking up or seeking help.
Lisa Jackson, a mother of three, struggled with sickness during all of her pregnancies. Her nausea >>>
and sensitivity to smells affected what she could eat and who she could be around.
“It affected where I went, and I avoided going to people’s houses so I didn’t have to be sick there,” Lisa says. “It did impact my mental health a lot as people thought it was funny or cute that I was so sensitive, and didn’t take it seriously when I couldn’t sit with them for lunch or would avoid the work kitchen.”
Severe morning sickness, known as hyperemesis gravidarum, is a debilitating condition that affects around 2% of pregnant people in the UK
Taking sickness seriously is essential, particularly as studies suggest depression linked to severe pregnancy sickness can continue after the baby’s birth. “It can increase the likelihood of postnatal depression,” says Lisa. “Therefore, it’s important to detect if sickness is a problem as early as possible.”
If you’re struggling with sickness or your mental health during pregnancy, there are several steps you can take.
First, you should speak to your doctor. They may advise you to take medication to ease the sickness if it is affecting your life. “Be open and honest about your physical symptoms, and about the emotional impact that
they are having on you,” says Georgina.
Your GP can also refer you for specialist psychological support via your local perinatal mental health team. However, budget cuts to NHS services mean this service isn’t always available. If this is the case, you may be advised to self-refer for cognitive behavioural therapy – and it’s worth noting that being pregnant will mean you’re bumped up the waiting list.
There are also various private counselling services with qualified therapists who can provide talking therapy, and other psychological services, that are tailored to you. Look for therapists that are registered with professional organisations such as UKCP or the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. Some practitioners specialise in supporting pregnant people and those with chronic health conditions. The charity Pregnancy Sickness Support also offers advice via a helpline and webchat, that you may find useful.
Speaking to trusted friends or relatives is also essential. Find a space where you can share your feelings without fear of judgement, either with loved ones or in a peer support group, which you can find on social media or via your midwife. “It can be incredibly powerful just to know that you’re not alone,” says Georgina. “You can use local or online networks to reach out and build connections with other women feeling the same way.”
Get in touch via the Counselling Directory
It can also help to take notice of any emotional triggers. I once nearly vomited in a Mamas and Papas shop because I felt overwhelmed by what I did and didn’t need. While distraction isn’t a cure for pregnancy sickness, I found stepping away from stressful situations helpful.
“If your sickness and nausea are triggering difficult feelings, try to keep track of what helps and what makes things worse,” advises Georgina. And, finally, being pregnant often comes hand-in-hand with unsolicited advice. While listening to professional advice is essential, ignoring less useful comments is a handy tactic.
“If someone tells you that a ginger biscuit will solve all your problems, then feel free to tune it out,” says Georgina. “It’s your body, and everyone’s experience is unique.”
Pregnancy Sickness Support is a registered charity looking to improve the experience and alleviate the suffering of those affected by pregnancy sickness. Visit pregnancysicknesssupport. org.uk or call 0800 055 4361
Have you ever felt so completely engrossed in something that you’ve ignored the world around you? Maybe you’ve let responsibilities, or even friends and family, fall by the wayside. This could be a sign of hyperfixation. But does it have a positive side, or is it a problem that needs to be addressed?
Hyperfixation refers to a state of intense interest in a certain topic or activity. This usually involves becoming absorbed in a task, activity, or subject, but can be around any number of different things – such as a specific celebrity, hobby, TV or book series, historical period, or video game. This obsession is less about a specific goal, and more about spending an excessive amount of time consumed by it.
Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
While anyone can experience hyperfixation, it’s most common in neurodivergent people, for example, autistic people, or those with ADHD. People with anxiety, OCD, or schizophrenia can also be more likely to experience hyperfixation.
There are a few terms, for example, ‘special interests’ and ‘hyperfocus’, which are often used interchangeably with hyperfixation, but it’s important to note the distinction between these. While similar to special interests and often related, a hyperfixation is more likely to last for a shorter period of time. This could be anything from minutes to months, and may lead to someone finding out as much information about a topic as possible in a short space of time, so it becomes incredibly time and attention-consuming. Whereas a special interest may be more long-
lasting, with an ongoing interest for weeks, years, or be lifelong – therefore the time investment is less intense.
A key difference with hyperfixation and a state of hyperfocus is that the latter tends to be goal-oriented (looking to achieve something in particular), and doesn’t necessarily have to be related to an area of special interest – it could be any kind of activity you have to participate in (for example a necessary DIY project, when you don’t enjoy the task).
In real-life terms, you might become hyperfixated on your special interest for a period – for example, if you idolise a certain celebrity, you may become hyperfixated on reading their latest book or consuming all media surrounding an upcoming movie release. This can happen to the point where you skip meals, >>>
ignore messages from friends, stop keeping up with household chores, or have trouble focusing on anything else.
Though some people may still feel able to focus on other things around the hyperfixation, it’s important to remember that there can be positive and negative consequences. But, what are they? And what signs should we be keeping an eye out for?
Interest or hyperfixation?
How to spot the difference
Recognising when something goes beyond enjoyment to become a hyperfixation can be difficult. Some of the signs can include:
• Forgetting to do other basic tasks (e.g. eating, sleeping, showering)
• Losing track of time while engaging with a specific interest or activity
• Feeling like you are tuning out the world around you when engaging with your interest
• Being so immersed in the interest that you neglect other responsibilities (e.g. cooking, cleaning, paying bills)
• Being less aware of others or less self-aware when engaging with your interest
• Feeling out of control of your actions in relation to your interest
If you find yourself feeling anxious when you can’t focus on your interest, or neglecting yourself, household chores, or family, it can be a sign that you may need a break
Hyperfixation can have benefits and drawbacks. Some of the former can include learning new subjects or skills more quickly, due to increased focus and interest. You may also find your performance at work or with a hobby increases due to your intense focus on that area or activity, which, for some people, can lead to a higher likelihood of success. Research suggests that some individuals who hyperfixate may be more likely to perform better on tasks than others under normal circumstances. When channelled positively, hyperfixation can result in amazing art and creativity, lead to innovation, help with your career or academic performance, and can even create opportunities to connect with others with similar interests. In fact, many successful people have credited hyperfixation, in part, to their overall success, including Steve Jobs, the co-founder of Apple, Sir Richard Branson, business magnate and co-founder of Virgin Group, Simone Biles, Olympic gymnastics champion, and Bill Gates, co-founder of Microsoft. However, as with anything, there can be downsides, too. Hyperfixation could lead to being distracted from other important tasks, or losing track entirely of the outside world. If you find yourself feeling anxious when you can’t focus on your interest, neglecting yourself, household chores, or family, or feeling more
stressed than relaxed by your interest, it can be a sign that you may need a break or to try new ways of balancing your interest. It’s important to remember that forbidding yourself from activities or indulging in interests completely often isn’t helpful. Instead, try to find ways to harness that interest, and make it work around the rest of your home, work, or academic life.
Practical tips to manage hyperfixation
If you find yourself hyperfixating, there are a number of different, practical ways you can try to manage things to help balance your time and energy, without stopping your interest altogether.
• Set goals.
Giving yourself a set time limit or other specific goals, e.g. to read no more than 20 pages of your latest book, or to spend no more than an hour before bed on a set hobby, can allow you to enjoy yourself without getting lost in the activity.
• Schedule breaks.
Having regular breaks between when you indulge in your hyperfixation can help you to feel rested and recharged, as well as breaking up your focus. This can help you to get other things done that you might otherwise forget.
• Explore new hobbies.
Having a more diverse range of hobbies and interests can help prevent or divert you from getting too absorbed by a single activity.
• Use time management tools and techniques. These can help in staying organised and prioritising tasks that may otherwise fall by the wayside. You might want to try setting alarms on your phone, using management apps, or trying the Pomodoro technique (taking a five-minute break for every 25 minutes of work or focus, followed by a longer 15 or 30-minute break once a task has been completed).
• Expand your support system. Connecting with friends, family, or others with shared experiences can help you to be more open when you feel like you may be struggling, to recognise signs and feel comfortable reaching out for help if needed.
• Practise mindfulness. Mindfulness can help to increase your awareness of and connection to the world around you, enabling you to feel more present in the moment and less likely to become unhealthily absorbed by a topic.
• Working with a therapist. If you find yourself feeling stressed or your daily life being interrupted due to hyperfixation, talking with someone can be a big help. A therapist can help you to better understand and manage thought patterns and behaviours that might be unhealthy, as well as enable you to recognise and address root causes that might be leading to your hyperfixation, such as anxiety or depression.
Take the fear and stigma out of solo dates, and learn to love some alone time
Writing | Michelle Elman
When you don’t like yourself, it’s probably unsurprising that you might hate spending time alone. I actually used to joke that I once had 30 best friends, because I was so scared of being on my own. When you only have yourself for company, you are left with your thoughts and, for those with low self-esteem, those thoughts aren’t normally pleasant to be around. As a result, I made sure to have as many friends as possible so I was never alone, and would always be distracted.
I remember I used to keep thinking that, one day, I would enjoy spending time alone once I liked myself… But what I wish I knew back then, in my teens, is that it’s actually the other way around. You need to start spending time on your own to get to know yourself better, and you need to know yourself in order to
like yourself. You need to face the discomfort of being by yourself, and confront the fear that surrounds it – and, unfortunately, that task is not magically going to get easier by never doing it. It might sound obvious, but you need to spend more time alone to actually learn how to enjoy your time alone.
The first thing I did was start to schedule nights in. I understand doing things alone out in public can be quite scary, so my advice to you would be to start from the comfort of your own home. What I found to be key was making them lovely date nights, full of all the things I enjoy, whether it was my favourite TV show or cooking my favourite meal. I started to notice there were things I would do if I had friends over for a movie night that I wouldn’t do for myself, like going to the extra effort of putting the crisps in a bowl rather than eating them
out of the packet, or bothering to put the side lamp on for mood lighting instead of the harsh overhead light. I realised if I would do that for other people but couldn’t be bothered when I was alone, what was I telling myself? I was subconsciously saying I wasn’t worth that extra time and energy. So, I lit the candle, and I used the expensive face mask that I was always saving for a special occasion (and would often end up expiring first).
When it comes to tackling going out and doing things alone, the main fear that stops people is the concern that others are staring at them, or thinking that they are lonely or a loser. I believe this mentality stems from childhood, where you would worry about having no friends. But the truth is that people are not thinking about you as much as you think they are, and if anyone judges you because you are sitting in a
restaurant alone, it’s only because they don’t have the confidence to do it themselves. They therefore project onto you how they would feel in your position. This does not mean you have to internalise how they want you to feel!
One of my favourite things to do is to go to the cinema alone, and, sometimes, it’s an intentional act of self-love and, sometimes, it’s simply a logistical thing of not being able to find a friend who wants to see the same movie or is available. Either way, it’s an important step, because inherent in the message of doing it anyway,
is teaching yourself that you aren’t waiting for a romantic partner, or even a platonic friend, to start living the life you want to live.
You can use things like reading a book in a restaurant, or going on your phone while you wait for the movie to start to distract you from the fear of judgement from others, but, ultimately, there comes a point when you do have to actually face the scary thoughts in your head that accompany alone time.
Just because your brain says something, it doesn’t mean it’s true, and instead of listening to
that voice of self-doubt, go into your body and detect how you are feeling. If you are feeling sad or lonely, let that feeling exist, validate it, and stop pretending that you don’t feel that way. What’s the worst thing if you accept that you are feeling that way? You will let it out. It often takes more energy to pretend we aren’t feeling how we are, and this is actually what most people are running away from when it comes to alone time. Confronting it and giving your feelings the attention, time, and space they are asking for is what allows those feelings to pass.
Once all the initial discomfort is recognised, you’ll be able to sink into the peace and quiet of solitude, and, with some practice, you can adore being alone – like I do. Solo nights are some of my favourite evenings, and it is truly my favourite way to replenish the tank, and have more energy for the week ahead!
Michelle Elman is a dating and boundaries media expert. Listen to her podcast, ‘In All Honesty’, available on all major streaming platforms.
No matter where you are from, your dreams are valid
Lupita Nyong’o
Grief is a normal, albeit painful, part of the human experience. But what happens when you lose the love of your life? Can there ever be a point at which you feel ready to love again?
Linda Aitchison from Wolverhampton knows exactly what it feels like to rebuild your life after the loss of a spouse.
“In the hard years after Neil’s death, my twin daughters were my only priority and I shaped my life around them, isolated to my core,” explains Linda. “I was lonely — but lonely for no one else but Neil.”
When her daughters left for university, six years after losing her husband, Linda found herself confronting an unexpected emptiness. “I started online dating, was hit by loads of disasters, and then met my now partner Phill,” Linda explains. “He was a breath of fresh air.”
For Linda, six years felt right, but what if you want to start dating immediately? How long is too long, and when is too soon?
Mental health risk factors in losing a spouse
One systematic review, published in the journal Aging and Mental Health, found that the prevalence of major depressive disorder (MDD) and anxiety disorders were considerably elevated in widowed individuals, especially in the first year after losing a spouse.
While having a mental illness shouldn’t stop you from getting into a relationship, there are elements of dating that could interfere with your recovery. New partnerships can bring disruption to routines, habits, and existing friendships, all of which can contribute to a stable emotional landscape. While new love can be fun, flirty, and a welcome distraction, it can also
come with potential judgement, communication issues, and conflict. Additionally, the time and energy required for a new relationship can be hard to muster during bereavement. All of this uncertainty can – but not always – exacerbate symptoms and cause further harm.
This all points to the million dollar question: how do you know when you’re ‘ready’ to start a new relationship after losing your partner?
While there’s no perfect formula, there is one emotion that counsellor and certified grief educator, Phoebe ClausenSternwald works through with most of her grieving clients, and that’s guilt: “When people feel guilty for feeling joy or being in love again, I will invite them to explore that if it was the other >>>
way round, would they have wished their loved one to live a lonely and unhappy life? If the answer is no, then maybe it’s time to give themselves permission to live and love fully again.”
Phoebe also encourages her clients to investigate whether their guilt is a result of a perceived violation of an internal belief system, perhaps one that was instilled in them growing up. As an example, consider someone who was raised to believe that monogamy in relationships is the sign of a ‘good’ person. They may feel that dating after the loss of a partner counts as cheating, and makes them a bad person. This is a helpful observation to make because, as Phoebe reminds her clients, “Throughout our lives, we can choose to reevaluate our belief system at any time.”
Linda and Phill
There is no rulebook for how long the healing process should take
Shame is also a very common experience. You may wonder what your partner would say if they were still around, worry what your inlaws will think, or be scared that your children will be upset. Phoebe suggests thinking about whose reactions matter most to you, then developing different ways to respond to them according to their personality and your relationship with them. When it comes to introducing a new partner to young children, Phoebe advises that this can be particularly challenging and can be made easier with the support of a child bereavement professional. It’s natural to be wary of what others think, especially during a time of such heightened emotions when there’s no rulebook on how to make sense of it all. But remember, no one
The time and energy required for a new relationship can be hard to muster
has walked in your shoes, and therefore no one has the right to judge your choices. When it comes to the reactions of random people, know that you can choose not to pay any attention. “People need to earn the privilege to hear your grief story,” says Phoebe. “The same principle applies to whether their reaction is worthy of your meaningful response.”
Another thing to consider is how much you’re willing to share about your grief with a potential new love interest. In particular, you want to feel as though you’re able to set and maintain personal boundaries. If you can’t do this, it might be a sign that you’re still in the processing phase. “When we see people who overshare their grief, it normally indicates that their grief hasn’t been witnessed enough,” says Phoebe. In this case, finding a loved one, support group, or qualified therapist, to hold space for your grief is essential.
Grief is considered a stressor on the mind and body, but the good
news is that forming strong emotional bonds with someone, when you’re ready, can have a profound impact on your wellbeing. One study, published in the journal Communication Monographs found that words of affection from a romantic partner lower stress hormone levels in healthy adults. Another study, published in Psychological Science, showed that the simple act of holding hands with a longterm, stable romantic partner lowers stress much more than other forms of hand-holding relationships.
Even if you’re not ready to get into a full-blown relationship with someone, dipping your toe into the dating world can provide a sense of connection that could help you heal. There are even dating sites specifically made for widows, which means you can connect with people who have a deeper understanding of what you’re going through.
That doesn’t mean that dating will be a breeze. As Linda recalls: “I was lacking in confidence when I first started online dating. I was too easily
flattered by compliments from would-be dates, and said ‘yes’ more than I should, which led to sometimes comical, and often disastrous, encounters.”
But Linda was able to see this as part of her journey, and learned to value herself more and, importantly, take as much time as she needed. Now in a happy relationship with Phill, she’s in a new season of life. “We’ve been together six years and now live together. We love to travel and share adventures, living life to the fullest with concerts, long walks, weekends away, even kayaking together.”
Perhaps the hardest thing to come to terms with during this time is that no matter what happens in your future, no one will ever replace your partner. But maybe that’s something that will one day feel positive, because as author F Scott Fitzgerald wrote: “There are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice.”
Phoebe Clausen-Sternwald is a trauma-informed counsellor and certified grief educator. Visit the Counselling Directory to get in touch.
An overflowing, chaotic inbox can take its toll on your wellbeing over time, so follow these tips to keep things in check
Writing | Lydia Wilkins
Many of us can point to experiencing a familiar dread as the emails in our inbox keep building up. Often, this feeling remains even when we’re taking time off – in fact, the inbox has such a hold on people that a survey by icompario. com found that 67% of us are still looking at our professional emails when we are away from work. We all know that we should be limiting our screen time, such as when it comes to ‘doomscrolling’, yet most of us apply that to social media, and rarely stop to consider the impact of our inbox on our mental wellbeing. This begs the question, what methods can be used to manage your inbox in order to safeguard yourself? Here are five effective strategies that you can start applying today.
The ‘inbox 0’ method
While it may initially seem brutal as an approach, ‘inbox 0’ is the ultimate aspiration for anyone who has to deal with a lot of correspondence. The idea is that the inbox itself is kept empty, or at least only a few emails in it at any given time. You can
achieve this by creating named and colour-coded folders in your inbox, and manually filing emails away (or, if you’re tech-savvy, by creating automatic filters that do it for you).
You might want to consider your schedule to help attain this – jumping in and out of your inbox as messages arrive can make emailing take over your day. Whereas blocking out a certain period allows you to be productive without distracting from other responsibilities.
In my case, messages that do not demand an instant reply are moved into a different folder to be dealt with later, erroneous
emails are deleted ruthlessly, and tickets and receipts are filed away for reference. Aiming for ‘inbox 0’ means I feel less anxious when I log off at the end of the day.
Most email providers offer an ‘out of office’ (OOO) auto-reply function, so if anyone emails while you’re away, you can easily set a boundary. But rather than just making promises to come back to them ASAP on your
return, think about what would actually work for you. For example, if you’re away for a long time (such as longterm sick or maternity leave), you could let people know to re-send important enquiries after your return – this will allow you to quickly delete a large backlog without fear of missing something. Or, if there is someone who can cover you while you’re away, provide their details in your OOO. You can also provide an expected reply date (which doesn’t have to be your return date), to give yourself breathing space.
Schedule your emails We’ve all been there: blasting back emails, hoping to clear our inbox, only to receive replies quicker than we can get them out. Obviously, when something’s urgent this is helpful, but using scheduling tools can help free up our time from getting stuck in
Aiming for ‘inbox 0’ means I feel just that little bit less anxious when I log off
low-priority back-and-forths. Not only will it save last-minute panic if you need to send an email at a particular time, but it also allows for the streamlining of tasks, and greater control over the flow of your to-do list, so emailing doesn’t take over your day.
Your replies don’t have to be a work of art While politeness and courtesy are expected, when your inbox is overflowing, the last thing you want to do is spend time agonising over finding the right words to express something that could be communicated more simply. Pleasantries are nice and can help
build relationships, but when you’re overwhelmed, know that it’s OK to keep things clear and precise. Use bullet points to break down more complicated messages, add links to resources to avoid having to explain things in the email, and keep your message focused.
Additionally, some email providers have a prompt function, offering pre-set sentences as a response, which can make the process a little bit more efficient. You might also want to create and save a few template messages for yourself, or use artificial intelligence to help, to speed up the process or assist with more challenging messages.
Always put on a brave face
Let fear hold you back
Change yourself to fit in
Put your puzzling prowess to the test with our crossword – it’s a real head-scratcher!
1. Comic Relief event (3,4,3)
7. Seat of the UK government (9)
9. Sleep inducing plant (8)
10. Las Vegas three-person act (4,3,5)
12. Walter, Breaking Bad (5)
15. Band, ‘Boulevard of Broken Dreams’ (8)
16. Great Barrier Reef made from (5)
17. San Francisco landmark (6,4,6)
18. School of Rock actor (4,5)
2. Prison-based TV show (6,2,3,3,5)
3. CS Lewis book (3,6,5)
4. Inspector Clouseau features (4,7)
5. Three Sisters location, in New South Wales (4,9)
6. Author of the Da Vinci Code (3,5)
8. The French Riviera (5,5)
11. Iron reacted with water and air (4)
13. Whipped, double, clotted, or sour (5) 14. Black Widow actress (8)
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From an ideal accessory for yogis to a fun activity for board game enthusiasts, try one of our 10 wonderful wellbeing recommendations
Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird
Sticky Notes: Memorable Lessons from Ordinary Moments by Matthew Eicheldinger Former sixth-grade teacher Matthew Eicheldinger would regularly come across memorable interactions with his students, which he later realised were interwoven with little life lessons.
Sticky Notes is a compilation of his classroom interactions, delving into themes like friendship, grief, and joy. (Out now, £15.99)
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Challenge yourself at a board game café
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Send a love letter
More Love Letters is an organisation that encourages you to spread love in letter form. Every month, five to six stories are published online to highlight a special individual nominated by their loved ones. Why not devote some time to writing a letter and spread some kindness? (Find out more at moreloveletters.com)
‘Strangers on a Bench’ In this charmingly candid podcast, singer-songwriter Tom Rosenthal approaches strangers sitting on a park bench, and asks if he can join them for a friendly chat. The world is full of fascinating people, and thanks to Tom providing a listening ear, we can find out about the extraordinary in the lives of ordinary people. (Available on all podcast platforms)
Offering more than your average tea and cake, board game cafés are unique social spaces that invite adults and children alike to play nostalgic family favourites and explore fun, new games in the company of other like-minded board gamers. Are you ready to get your game on and let your inner child loose? (Search online for a board game café near you)
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Sam West | Positive mental health advocate
After years of struggling with his mental health, Sam is trying to get back on track by making positive changes in his life. He shares his journey on TikTok, talking about anxiety, sobriety, and the lessons he’s learned in therapy. (Follow @sambackontrack on Instagram or TikTok)
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Famileo
Famileo is a wonderful platform that helps bring generations together, no matter the distance. All you have to do is share your family photos, messages, or news, through their app, and Famileo will convert it into a newspaper that is delivered straight to your grandparents’ door every month. (Find out more at www.famileo.com)
Build your vocabulary If enriching your vocabulary is something you wish to improve on in 2025, you’ll be delighted to know that the Oxford English Dictionary posts a new word on their website every single day. As well as discovering a new word, you’ll learn the meaning behind it, its use, pronunciation, and more. (Find today’s word of the day at oed.com)
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Cosy cardio
Two words you wouldn’t usually pair together, and yet this unexpected combo could be the key to easing ourselves back into fitness. Unlike traditional cardio, this fitness trend encourages low-intensity exercise in an environment that makes you feel more comfortable and relaxed, such as doing a gentle workout in your lounge while listening to your favourite podcast.
Rewatch your favourite film
Instead of us telling you what to watch this month, we’re asking you to think about what your favourite film is, and then rewatch it. In an article by Pam Rutledge, a faculty member at Fielding Graduate University, California, she notes that watching familiar films can support emotional regulation and help reduce stress.
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One Breath Tote Bag
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Your present circumstances don’t determine where you go; they merely determine where you start
Nido Qubein
IWriting | Fiona Fletcher Reid
’ve just got to get through this week.” I heard myself say that a lot when my workplace had a staff shortage which lasted a year. But as months passed, I found myself constantly exhausted.
I had hardly any energy, I was disengaged, pessimistic, and I wasn’t anywhere near as efficient as I knew I could be. Sick days were common, as was irritability, and binge-drinking. Now, I can see I had a textbook case of occupational burnout.
What is occupational burnout?
The World Health Organization (WHO) recognises burnout as a syndrome “resulting from chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed”. Symptoms of this can include a lack of energy or exhaustion, feeling distanced from your role or cynical about
it, and reduced professional efficacy.
An important distinction is that, according to WHO, burnout occurs in the workplace, and doesn’t describe experiences in other areas of life. However, even WHO recognises that, naturally, stresses in one area of our life can spill over and impact another – such as the cost of living crisis –but says burnout stems from the workplace environment. Although it’s categorised as an ‘occupational phenomenon’ rather than a mental illness, it can significantly affect your health and, when left untreated, can have long-term mental health implications.
Burnout is more common than ever
According to the ‘State of the Global Workplace’ report by Gallup, employees are lonely and disengaged, with the result
that humanity’s mental health is in rapid decline. It reveals that 62% of employees are considered ‘not engaged’, and 15% ‘actively disengaged’, with the impact of this costing the global economy an estimated $8.9 trillion.
In the first of its kind, ‘The Burnout Report’ by Mental Health UK details the reality and scale of the situation – including that 24% of those surveyed felt ‘unable to manage stress and pressure in the workplace’, and 20% had to take time off as a result of poor mental health caused by stress in the past year. Brian Dow, the chief executive, recognises “growing evidence that the UK is grappling with high levels of work absence, and its subsequent cost to individuals, employers, and the taxpayer”.
While these reports may seem daunting, they are also powerful – prompting important >>>
More than 40% of workers regularly do unpaid overtime
conversations and driving meaningful change in workplaces across the UK and beyond.
How work culture breeds burnout
Modern work culture has blurred the lines between professional and personal life. Natalie Englander, senior CBT therapist and perfectionism expert, points
out that “constant connectivity, especially if your occupation involves social media use”, creates pressure to always be available.
The cultural glorification of ‘grind culture’ has led many to equate productivity with selfworth. Social media can amplify feelings of inadequacy, leading to perfectionist behaviours, and relentless striving for success at
the cost of wellbeing. However, there’s a growing recognition that this mindset is unsustainable, and often counterproductive.
Meanwhile, the rising cost of living means that people are forced to sacrifice downtime to stay afloat. Whether it’s taking an evening job as a delivery driver, starting a side hustle, or working longer hours to maintain job security, Brits are struggling with the elusive idea of worklife balance. According to ‘The Burnout Report’, more than 40% of workers regularly do unpaid overtime, with women more likely to have an increased workload or volume of unpaid tasks. While burnout can affect anyone, Natalie says that some groups are especially vulnerable. “There needs to be more support for those with caregiving responsibilities, like parents, and especially mothers, who are often at risk of burnout from societal pressure to give 100% in both roles as an employee and mother.”
The harsh truth is that employers need, and are sometimes biased towards, staff who can work long hours and maintain consistent productivity. This means that people with diverse needs, obstacles, and capacities (e.g. people of colour, neurodivergent individuals, and people with disabilities) are at a disadvantage in a system that isn’t designed to support them.
I spoke to Chloe*, an NHS worker who experienced discrimination as a result of her disability. After
a period of burnout, she made a reasonable adjustment request for an additional work-from-home day. “My team complained about how unfair this was and, even now, I have to give up my second day when we are short-staffed,” says Chloe.
“Management views my adjustment as a perk, leaving me to feel I have to work harder and be seen as more helpful than other staff to demonstrate I ‘deserve’ my adjustment.”
Chloe’s experience reflects a widespread issue highlighted in ‘The Burnout Report’ – that certain factors significantly increase the risk of burnout, including living in economically disadvantaged areas, belonging to the working class, or being employed in high-pressure industries, such as manufacturing or retail.
Workplace culture is often a contributor to burnout, which means there must be clear pathways for workers to report things like bullying and discrimination. Similarly, the lack of resources and heavy workloads can’t be solved with a meditation app or yoga class. Organisations must take employee wellbeing seriously to spot the signs of high stress, and, in turn, treat and prevent occupational burnout.
Mental Health UK recommends that employers regularly review strategies for mental health, focusing on both prevention and treatment of chronic stress and burnout. Many companies are now equipping managers
20% had to take time off as a result of poor mental health caused by stress in the past year
to support colleagues, and offering mental health training to all staff. Senior staff can lead by example, promoting healthy behaviours to shift company culture. Additionally, there’s a growing emphasis on individualised approaches to burnout prevention, recognising the diverse needs of employees.
Some organisations are exploring reduced working hours, with promising results. A UK pilot of the four-day work week, involving 61 companies and around 2,900 workers, showed that 39% of employees were less stressed, and 71% had reduced levels of burnout at the end of the trial. Mental and physical health improved, while anxiety, fatigue, and sleep issues decreased. Several countries have embraced the ‘right to disconnect’, which prevents employees from being contacted out of hours except in exceptional circumstances. France made it a law in 2017, while other countries like Spain, Portugal, Belgium, and Australia have adopted similar guidelines. The Labour Party in the UK had promised to do the same, but have since delayed implementation.
It’s crucial to remember that burnout, even though it might feel like a personal failing, is not your fault. It’s a result of various factors, including rising costs, unpaid overtime, dwindling resources, and blurred lines between work and home. However, the growing awareness of burnout has the potential to create more sustainable, mentally healthy work environments. You can contribute to this positive change by setting clear boundaries between work and personal time, practising self-care, and prioritising your mental health when you can. Communicate your needs, making sure to follow any policies and procedures laid out by your employer. If you’re in a management role, lead by example, and encourage colleagues to look out and address the symptoms of burnout.
Small changes can make a big difference. By taking care of ourselves and supporting others, we can collectively work towards creating healthier, more productive work environments. *Note: name has been changed.
Natalie Englander is a senior cognitive behavioural therapist and perfectionism expert. Get in touch via the Counselling Directory
Writing | Elizabeth Bennett
Whether it’s an energetic boost after a workout or a low after a lengthy scroll on Instagram, we’re often unaware of how dopamine dictates our mood. This is because dopamine, a type of hormone and a neurotransmitter, plays a key role in our brain’s reward system.
“It motivates us to repeat behaviours that bring pleasure, joy, or satisfaction,” says counsellor Lianne Terry. However, not all dopamineinducing activities are equally beneficial. For example, exercise and social media both trigger dopamine release, but their individual impact is not the same.
Healthy dopamine tends to require effort, discipline, or time to achieve. On the flip side, when we opt for dopamine-boosting activities that offer immediate or effortless pleasure, the brain craves more without ever achieving a meaningful goal. Lianne explains that this can overstimulate the brain’s reward system, making it harder to enjoy ordinary, healthy activities. Plus, these activities are more likely to become addictive, because they
provide instant pleasure without much effort.
So, how can you enjoy this happy hormone responsibly?
Building some type of daily movement into your routine is crucial. “Any type of exercise stimulates the release of dopamine and other feel-good neurotransmitters,” Lianne notes. While a gym session or a long run can be good, a ‘little and often’ approach can be beneficial. For example, a short walk or some light stretching provides an immediate boost.
When you set a goal and stick to it, the process releases dopamine slowly, which is far healthier than immediate alternatives. Although working towards bigger life goals can release dopamine in the long term, smaller goals can be just as powerful.
“Breaking down tasks into bitesize and achievable goals will provide a sense of accomplishment when completed, which releases dopamine,” Lianne says. Try creating a ‘to-do’ list for your work
day and enjoy the satisfaction of ticking off each task. Alternatively, write a list of small wellbeing goals for the week ahead and feel good each time you achieve one. Realistic goals – like making the bed each morning or tidying the kitchen before going to sleep – are a great place to start.
Try eating dopamineboosting foods
Our diet impacts our dopamine production, and while unhealthy treats are fine in moderation and might give an instant hit of pleasure, other foods can boost dopamine levels without the downsides that come with these less-healthy options.
“Certain foods – such as almonds, bananas, avocados, eggs, and fish – will provide a natural increase in dopamine levels,” Lianne shares. Prioritise ways to build these ingredients into your meals and save the other stuff for special occasions.
“Building mindful moments into your day can help to regulate dopamine release by
reducing stress and increasing focus, which creates a sense of wellbeing,” Lianne says. Meditation has a multitude of benefits, even when you practise for just a few minutes. But other activities like a silent walk or simply concentrating on one routine task (e.g. washing the dishes) bring about this sense of being in the present moment.
There is a direct correlation between the great outdoors and dopamine production. “Spending time in green spaces or sunlight can boost dopamine production, enhance mood, and lower stress,” Lianne advises. Whether it’s a walk on your lunch break or twenty minutes in the garden, enjoying time outside is a moodboosting essential.
“Sleep helps to regulate dopamine receptors in the brain, improving mood and cognitive function. On the flip side, poor sleep disrupts the body’s natural dopamine cycle,” Lianne explains. To ensure you get some solid shut-eye, try to sleep and wake at a similar time each day whenever possible – and avoid screen time for the hour before you drift off.
Creative endeavours are another great example of putting in effort and working towards a goal, a key ingredient in creating healthy dopamine. “Engaging in creative outlets like drawing, writing,
playing an instrument, dancing, or cooking will help to stimulate the brain and provide a healthy dopamine boost,” Lianne says. Think about what type of creative activities you enjoyed when you were younger and try to ringfence a short window of time each day to tap into this childlike state of mind.
Lianne Terry is a psychotherapist specialising in family wounds and LGBTQIA+ therapy. Find out more on the Counselling Directory.
From bearing through the build-up to productive preparation, and 10 key questions to have to hand, utilise this go-to guide to help you make the most of doctors’ appointments
Iremember, before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I needed to see my GP so they could make a referral for a psychiatric assessment. It felt like I had been building up to the appointment for weeks, and I was so tightly wound with anxiety I could hardly think or speak. It’s a feeling you might know personally as well. Building up the courage to reach out for support is a huge thing in itself, which can be made all the more
difficult by relentless on-hold phone calls, gut-wrenchingly long waiting times, and the resulting accumulation of nerves and stress. When you know something is wrong, and are desperate for answers and some form of diagnosis or support, you can feel as though your whole world depends on getting the appointment ‘right’.
In the interim, you often begin to catastrophise, worrying about the worst-case scenario,
and anything and everything that could go wrong. You want to make sure you cover all the details and worry about missing something vital.
‘What ifs’ play out in your head; what if they don’t take me seriously? What if I miss something important, and they don’t get the full picture? What if I can’t explain myself properly? These negative thoughts whirl around like a tornado in your mind, making it difficult to
think clearly and concisely. This anxiety can even make your health worse, or exacerbate the symptoms you’re already experiencing.
All this to say, if you’re struggling in the lead up to seeing your doctor, you’re not alone – but there are steps you can take to reduce this anxiety before and during medical appointments. After following these steps, I went to my appointment and received the referral I needed. I used these same pointers again during my assessment, and felt calmer and more in control of the appointment as a result. While some of these steps aren’t easy to take, I can attest to the fact that they will make your medical appointment more beneficial, and hopefully result in you receiving the support and treatment you need.
Maintaining a diary for a few weeks – or even months – can give the doctor a picture of how much you’ve been struggling, and how the symptoms you’ve been experiencing have been affecting you. In the moment, it can feel daunting to recall everything, and ensure you’re not missing anything important. The journal can be a helpful tool to take some of the pressure off. Entries don’t have to be long, with bullet points explaining your symptoms for each day. Bullet points will also make it quicker and easier for your doctor to look through.
If a journal or diary is too much, or you don’t have the time before your appointment, you could instead just focus on writing down some notes about what you need to say beforehand. When we’re feeling mentally or physically unwell it can make us forgetful, and hinder us from explaining ourselves in as much detail as we’d like. So having some notes can act as a useful point of reference on the day.
With many conditions, we can’t show a doctor what’s wrong then and there; they rely on what we describe at the appointment. Having some clear, concise points to refer to can not only ease anxiety, or be helpful reminders if you’re feeling upset or overwhelmed, but can give you confidence that you’re covering the most important points. Additionally, if you’re really struggling, and feel you can’t speak clearly enough, you can give your written notes to the doctor to read.
An average appointment can go by in a flash – 10 minutes often doesn’t seem long enough when you’re feeling mentally or physically unwell, never mind when you’re under pressure and struggling to explain yourself. You may also have the additional worry of being overly conscious of time, rather than focusing on what you need to convey. If you do feel rushed, you might leave feeling frustrated that you forgot something you wanted to discuss.
You deserve to be heard, and have the time and space to discuss how you’re feeling and your treatment
Most doctor’s surgeries have the option of making a double appointment. These are often made for people with more than one problem to discuss, or if their needs are more complex. Don’t feel pressured to take a regular appointment if you have a lot to cover; you deserve to be heard, and have the time and space to discuss how you’re feeling and your treatment.
Having an advocate – whether that’s a partner, family member, or close friend – with you can provide some relief. It can feel like less pressure when you have a backup, which can reduce any anxiety you’re feeling about it. The benefit of someone who knows you well, and what you’re struggling with, joining you is that it not only provides you with support, but means you have someone who can corroborate your symptoms. Because they are coming from an outsider’s perspective, your advocate may also have additional insights and helpful information about your condition. >>>
Sometimes we can worry that being assertive can make us seem confrontational.
However, in reality, it’s about making the most of your appointment
It can be worth having a discussion with them ahead of the appointment to help them get on the same page about what you want to say, so if you forget anything, they can step in to fill in the blanks. It can also be reassuring that if you feel you’re not being taken seriously during the appointment, they can be a supportive voice on your behalf.
This is a difficult one when you’re feeling unwell, but it’s important to try to speak up for yourself. You know best how you’re feeling, and how your symptoms are affecting you, and this is your opportunity to make this clear. Sometimes we can worry that being assertive can come across as confrontational, or we may feel uncomfortable being direct. However, in reality, it’s about making the most of your appointment to express yourself confidently and articulately.
To help with this, here are 10 questions to have to hand that you may want to ask during a medical appointment:
1. What tests do I need and what are they for?
2. How and when will I get my results?
3. How long will I need treatment for?
4. How effective is the treatment and how will I know it’s working?
5. What side-effects can I expect, and is there anything I need to watch out for?
6. Are there any alternatives to treat my condition?
7. How can I best manage my condition?
8. What support is there for someone with this illness/ condition?
9. Do I need to make lifestyle changes?
10. Do I need to come back to see you, or will I be referred?
Remember, there are no wrong questions, so if there’s something that comes to mind that you’re curious about, don’t be afraid to ask it – there are no silly or irrelevant questions if it’s something you’d like to know. And remember, the more you ask, the more likely you’ll receive all the information you need. This appointment is about you and your health, so you take your time and ask whatever you need to feel more comfortable moving forwards.
Whether it’s preparing notes in advance, drafting in support, or considering your questions, there are numerous ways to help combat the anxiety that medical appointments can bring. The goal is to get support, so stick with it, and remember to speak up for yourself. It will be worth it in the end.
Kai Conibear is a writer and mental health advocate. His first book, ‘Living at the Speed of Light’, about bipolar disorder, is out now.
Looking for support with your mental health?
Here are some places that can help:
If you are in crisis and are concerned for your own safety, call 999 or go to A&E
Call Samaritans on 116 123 or email them at jo@samaritans.org
SANEline
SANEline offers support and information from 4pm–10pm: 0300 304 7000
Mind
Mind offers advice Mon–Fri 9am–6pm, except bank holidays: 0300 123 3393. Or email: info@mind.org.uk
Switchboard
Switchboard is a line for LGBT+ support. Open from 10am–10pm: 0300 330 0630. Or web chat: switchboard.lgbt
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HELP FOR THOSE WITH ALZHEIMER’S
For information, guidance and a helpline, visit alzheimers.org.uk or call 0333 150 3456
Get information and support via The British Red Cross by calling 0808 196 3651
GRIEF AND BEREAVEMENT SUPPORT
To find support for grief and bereavement, head to cruse.org.uk or call 0808 808 1677
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