HEDGEHOG'S DILEMMA
Is this why you keep people at arm's length?
Seeking out the uplifting in the array of anxiety-inducing
I've said too much
Relinquish the regret when opening up
When heartbreak goes beyond the usual hurt
Separating reality from rumours
I think change is good because it teaches you that it’s nothing to be frightened of
Helen McCrory
There’s a Chinese proverb that came to mind while curating this issue: “When the winds of change blow, some people build walls and others build windmills.”
It’s a sentiment reflecting the human desire to protect ourselves from the new and unknown. To create barriers, safety, and distance from all those things – but at what cost?
This issue is peppered with viewpoints on vulnerability, acknowledging it from all angles, and offering insight into how to harness it for good, along with managing any mixed feelings we have about it.
The hedgehog’s dilemma (p12) is probably familiar to many of us; the innate desire to form close connections, but our defence mechanisms get in the way and can keep us apart.
While when we do open up, it can sometimes be followed by regret and overthinking (p29), which can make us second-guess doing so again in future.
Then there’s the feeling so many of us are afraid to acknowledge: the urge to run away from it all (p52). We don’t always know the reason for this sudden need to drop everything and physically flee, but can still be afraid to admit this desire, even to ourselves.
Breaking down those ‘protective’ walls, and allowing yourself to be emotionally exposed – whether it’s simply being honest with yourself or trusting others
enough to be truthful with them – can be terrifying, but also comes with so many rewards.
From forming closer bonds to a stronger sense of agency, or gaining a better understanding of yourself, if you’re on the verge of vulnerability, unsure whether to take that leap of faith, let this issue be your guide, helping you every step of the way.
And after you’ve opened up, turn to our print-exclusive journaling pages (p83) to decompress and recentre after an emotionally-charged moment.
As the proverb suggests, when we no longer hide from change, and instead find ways to adapt to it, we ‘build windmills’ rather than walls. This highlights how much potential for progress we have, when we don’t shut ourselves off from the world.
So, don’t fear your feelings. Instead, value your vulnerability.
Happy reading,
REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
At Happiful, inclusivity, representation, and creating a happier, healthier society are at the forefront of our mission. To find out more about our social and environmental pledges, visit happiful.com/pledges
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The
15 Can you hack your health?
We investigate biohacking and whether it delivers on its promises 21 Hope in hard times
How to use the ‘hopecore’ trend to combat life’s ups and downs
61 The multi-think toll
Exploring the impact of juggling multiple ideas and responsibilities
Grow your self-agency
46 Small gifts, big bonds Discover the art of ‘pebbling’
68 Time for a sleep divorce?
For some, it could be the secret to a happy relationship
71 Money talks 5 tips for talking about finances with your partner
26 Step up for single parents Simple, practical ways to be there
Sharing is caring Sharing libraries are on the rise, and they’re more than just money-savers 75 Getting it all out there Is the hype around decluttering for our wellbeing justified?
18 Creative corner
Intimidated by journaling? Try these tips for getting started
24 Ask the experts
Is it possible to overcome a fear of needles?
38 Anxiety on your mind
Bryony explores how her anxiety has evolved with time
40 Myths, debunked
We’re addressing some key misconceptions about therapy
Expert column
men’s guide to mental health
Michelle Elman
Put the fun back into
52 Got the urge to run away?
There could be value in listening to these feelings
57 Children’s autism diagnosis
What comes next, and what support is available?
66 Perimenopause anxiety
From symptoms to social stigma, learn how to take control
36 A warm winter embrace
Follow this recipe for nutritious, nourishing ‘golden milk’
49 The mukbang debate
Should we be wary of this viral internet trend?
78 Finding balance
5 tips for regulating your blood sugar levels for short and long-term boosts
Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively.
The journey of life can, at times, be painful. Sometimes, the hurt we experience comes from the interactions that we have with other people, which can result in internal wounds. In an attempt to protect ourselves from future hurt, we may create defence mechanisms. Head over to p12 to explore how allowing yourself to get closer to people can be cathartic. The process of letting go of our defences can be challenging, but will lead to more meaningful relationships in the future, enabling a deeper connection with self.
Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue
HILARY SANDERS
BA PGDip. PGCE MBACP
Hilary is a therapist trained in psychodynamic couples therapy.
STEVE MAHER
MA Cert. PCIC Dip.Psych MAC MHGI
Steve is a consultant, professional coach, psychotherapist, and writer.
TINA CHUMMUN
MSc UKCP
Tina is an accredited psychotherapist and trauma specialist.
ABIGAIL HOLMAN
Dip.Couns MBACP
Abigail is a counsellor, coach, and trainer.
JENNY WARWICK
BA PGDip. BACP
Jenny is a counsellor specialising in relationships and family issues.
GEORGINA STURMER
BA (Hons) MBACP
Georgina is an integrative counsellor helping clients create a more confident life.
BETH ROBERTS
BA (Hons) DipCouns. MBACP (Accred)
Beth is a integrative therapeutic counsellor working with women who have experienced trauma.
DERYA HYUSEIN
MSc Dip.HE Cert.HE
Derya is a dietitian and clinical educator committed to advancing health through education.
ANDY SELWAY-WOOLLEY
BSc (Hons) HPD MNCH (Reg.) AFSFH
Andy is a clinical solution-focused hypnotherapist, specialising in anxiety.
EDITORIAL
Rebecca Thair | Editor-in-Chief
Kathryn Wheeler | Features Editor
Fiona Fletcher Reid | Features Editor
Lauren Bromley-Bird | Editorial Assistant
Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers
Kate Norris | Content Creator & Writer
Michelle Elman, Steve Maher | Columnists
Ellen Lees | Head of Content
Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor
ART & DESIGN
Charlotte Noel | Creative Lead
Rosan Magar | Illustrator & Videographer
Ellen Foster | Graphic Designer
COMMUNICATIONS
Alice Greedus | PR Manager
Emily Whitton | Marketing Coordinator
CONTRIBUTORS
Rebekah Crilly, Caroline Butterwick, Holly Treacy, Bryony Mutton, Elizabeth Bennett, Kerry Law, Katie Scott, Jenna Farmer, Lydia Smith, Victoria Stokes, Kai Conibear, Derya Hyusein, Andy Selway-Woolley
SPECIAL THANKS
Hilary Sanders, Beth Roberts, Georgina Sturmer, Tina Chummun, Clare Patterson, Abigail Holman, Simon Davies, Melanie Swan, Amie Parry-Jones, Anita Gohil-Thorp, Jenny Warwick, Claire Elmes
MANAGEMENT
Amy-Jean Burns | Chief Executive Officer Claire Vince | Chief Operations Officer
SUBSCRIPTIONS
SIMON DAVIES
BA (Hons) MBACP
Simon is a counsellor in private practice and walking therapist with Living Well UK.
MELANIE SWAN
PGDip. HCPC
Melanie is a soul worker and womb medicine woman, focusing on re-empowerment.
ANITA GOHIL-THORP
LLB Dip.LC ACC MHFA FRSA
Anita is a life coach with an interest in self-leadership and confidence.
CLARE PATTERSON
MSc Dip.Psych LLB MBACP
Clare is an integrative transpersonal psychotherapist and Reiki practitioner.
CLAIRE ELMES
BA ILM L7 LPC MNLP
Claire is a breathwork and ice bath facilitator, and therapeutic coach.
AMIE PARRY-JONES
BA MSc Dip.CNM MBANT MCNHC
Amie is a female health and eating disorder nutritionist, researcher, and public speaker.
For new orders and back orders, visit shop.happiful.com, or call Newsstand on +44 (0)1227 277 248 or email subenquiries@newsstand.co.uk
CONTACT
Happiful, c/o Memiah, Building B, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL Email us at hello@happiful.com
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Recently, there has been a lot of talk about the failings of UK NHS maternity services, accompanied by devastating reports from patients who have experienced poor care with lasting mental health impacts. And, while individuals, and families of those affected, have continued to call for radical change, one initiative rolled out at the University Hospitals of Leicester (UHL) has focused on addressing the culture of empathy.
The Stoneygate Centre for Empathetic Healthcare, based at the University of Leicester, collaborated with the of UHL to improve empathy between staff and patients. To do this, training and workshops were delivered to staff currently employed at the hospitals, led by award-winning empathetic experts, a registered midwife, and a professional nurse advocate.
Though miraculous, giving birth can be unpredictable and traumatic for some, so having compassionate and empathetic maternity staff
is integral in creating a safe environment centred around trust and support, and will ensure communication and care are delivered sufficiently. On this, Stoneygate Centre director Professor Jeremy Howick says: “More than a dozen trials have shown that improving empathy improves people’s experiences of maternity healthcare by making them safer and happier with
the services. We also know that empathy training can help staff to feel part of a great team, and boost their wellbeing.”
So, while the work still needs to be done to address underlying challenges, this initiative could make all the difference to patients.
For more information about The Stoneygate Centre for Empathic Healthcare, visit le.ac.uk/empathy. Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird
There is so much potential for online spaces to be filled with collaboration, information, and inspiration. But, more often than not, ‘trolls’ creep in – bringing anything from annoying to cruel and divisive comments into play. And the worst thing is, these ‘trolls’ might not even be real people.
‘Troll farms’ are organisations that employ people to make online posts that are deliberately offensive, or cause angry discussion, in order to create conflict or change public opinion. So, how can we tackle it?
In results from a study commissioned by chai brand Tea India, it was found that four in 10 people would like to see ‘kindness bots’ on social media. These bots would be designed to counteract the negativity, and spread goodwill online.
Though a novel idea, fundamentally, change needs to happen at the top, and the survey found that two-thirds of respondents felt that legislation should be enacted to ask social media companies to adapt their algorithms towards kindness, rather than promoting content that may be deliberately divisive.
Speaking on the findings, Naomi McCann, marketing manager at Tea India says: “These results show people are fed up with relentless ‘bad bot’ interference, and are asking: If we can have bad bot farms, why can’t we have kind bot farms just spreading good news and trying to game the system positively? And why can’t social media companies show harmony, positivity, and unity?”
Whether you’re for or against more ‘bots’, the one thing that’s certain is that the internet needs more kindness, and that’s something we can all start contributing to today.
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
Spades are in the ground as a new ‘sanctuary garden’, designed for vulnerable older people in London, is in the works. By spring, this space is set to be full of beautiful blooms and soothing shrubs – and it’s a project that has its roots in community and wellbeing.
The garden, which will be located in Thrive London’s main garden in Battersea Park, will offer a secure environment, suitable for people with a range of sensory and mobility needs. It will provide the opportunity to enjoy the plants and the changing seasons, but also be
a space for reflection, stimulation, and conversation.
In addition to being a space that welcomes everyone, it will also host Thrive London’s Garden Thyme programme – where trained practitioners support those living with dementia or memory loss to engage in gentle gardening activities and naturebased crafts. The space will also provide training opportunities for those interested in Thrive’s Social and Therapeutic Horticulture (STH) course.
“We’re so excited to start the build of the Sanctuary Garden,
Understanding our bodies, and the changes that ageing will bring, is key to feeling in control – but new figures suggest that few women feel like they really know what to expect when it comes to menopause.
According to research by digital women’s wellness magazine
Living360, an overwhelming 95% of women would like to be better informed about menopause, with 90% of pre-menopausal women wanting to know more before it starts. Of the 627 women over the age of 18 who were surveyed, 70% said that they were unsure of what to expect with the onset of menopause, while more than
60% were unclear about what healthcare is available.
Living360 editor, Mattie LaceyDavidson, comments: “The fact that women can go through perimenopause, which often lasts years, and still come away feeling uninformed about the healthcare choices available to them is shocking. Menopause is often compared to puberty. There’s no other time a person in the UK would be expected to deal with such a variety of serious physical and mental health symptoms without regular medical support.”
Big life changes can be scary and overwhelming – even more
and look forward to welcoming people to this reassuring safe space where older visitors, and people on our programmes and their carers, can benefit from time in nature, therapeutic gardening, and feeling part of a community,” says Thrive STH Practitioner Alex McDonald.
“STH is invaluable for people with early onset dementia, and can have a positive impact on their quality of life. While people with dementia may not be able to remember their tasks, the feelings last longer than the memories.”
To find out more, visit thrive.org.uk
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
so when we don’t know what to expect. The more we know and understand, the less daunting change is. Learn more about menopause by speaking with your GP or finding your local Menopause Cafe. When it comes to life’s surprises, it’s nice to know a bit of what’s coming next – and to be reminded that we’re not alone.
Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
Plants are absorbing 31% more CO2 than expected, according to new research in Nature
Or you could be, using music to help heal you. That’s according to a study from the California Northstate University College of Medicine, which suggests that music has the power to reduce heart rate and the perception of pain, which can aid in recovery postsurgery. Researchers reviewed 35 papers on this subject, analysing these collective findings to determine that music had ‘noticeable effects’, with patients reporting a significant reduction in pain and anxiety levels just a day after surgery.
More than fuel for childhood dreams, fairytales could actually instil healthy eating habits in youngsters. A study, from the Humboldt University of Berlin, told a fictional story, featuring magical fruit and veg, to a group of kids and found that, afterwards, the children were more likely to opt for healthy snacks over sugary ones. The findings demonstrate the possibility of engaging children’s imaginations to combat unhealthy eating habits, helping us all to live happily, and healthily, ever after.
Seven-year-old twins from Guernsey, Ed and Sid Robilliard, held a bake sale to raise funds for the Brain Tumour Charity, in memory of their father James, who passed away in August 2024 aged just 33. The brothers raised an incredible £4,000, with the support of their mum and grandma, helping to keep their dad’s memory alive and support other families through such challenging times.
London is bidding to host World Pride 2030 as a 10-day festival in the city
Disposable vapes will be banned in Britain from June 2025
Picture this: your friend invites you round to watch a movie they’ve been raving about. Whether you’re both laughing, or reaching for the tissues, it turns out that this active engagement in an emotionally-charged film can foster social bonds. Research, published in Royal Society Open Science, split participants (who were strangers) into pairs to watch videos, discovering that people felt more connected when they could see each other while watching the clips, and when they both experienced strong emotions, regardless of what those feelings were. So, never feel guilty for enjoying a movie marathon night in with friends – just be sure to share the popcorn.
Dee Harrison, from Ipswitch, actually couldn’t believe hers after posting a photo of the ‘northern lights’, only to find out it was the glow from a local tomato factory. Specsavers commented, saying she might ‘need a trip to one of our stores, as well as Iceland’ –and actually sent her there to see them (for real this time)!
Net greenhouse gas emissions in the European Union fell by 8% in 2023
As the idea of a ‘cashless society’ intensifies, new research has burst the bubble that this is a move led by younger generations, as, in fact, more than a third of 18 to 24-year-olds use cash at least once a day. The survey by An Post also found that only 2% of adults claim to never use cash at all, and 80% of us always carry cash in case of an emergency. So it seems that, at least for now, cash remains king.
In an effort to protect children online, Norway is introducing a new age limit of 15 on social media use – up from its current limit of 13. While it will be a challenge to enforce, the government suggests additional age verification barriers will be implemented, hoping to protect kids from various issues associated with these platforms –from harmful content to comparison, and bullying.
To support much-needed research into endometriosis, scientists created the most detailed cellular map of the endometrium. The tool, published in Nature Genetics, will aid researchers in studying cell abnormalities and how they develop, to better support diagnosis and treatment for countless people.
More than just a meme, a study has found that, much like humans, animals get ‘grumpier’ with age. The research, in Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B, found that the trait of becoming less sociable as we get older can be seen in many species, and could be a way to avoid infections and protect immune systems.
Does getting close to others have to involve the risk of getting hurt?
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
The hedgehog’s dilemma, sometimes also called the porcupine’s dilemma, is one of those satisfying metaphors that perfectly sums up its subject. It has its roots in the thinking of German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer, who proposed that, even with the best of intentions, humans harm each other when they attempt to have intimate relationships. Published in the book Parerga and Paralipomena in 1851, Schopenhauer’s parable of the porcupines is the basis of the hedgehog’s dilemma. And it goes something like this...
On a winter’s day, a group of porcupines were huddled up closely together to protect themselves from the freezing cold. However, it wasn’t long before they felt the prickles of each other’s quills, which made them move apart again. But once they were apart, the cold began to seep back in. The porcupines
found themselves caught between being cold or being spiked by each other’s quills – that was, until they found the optimal distance from each other that they could be a bit warmer but still not spike each other. In this zone, they could offer each other mutual warmth and comfort without intruding on each other in a painful way – however, they weren’t fully satisfied on either front.
If the story sounds pretty pessimistic, that’s because it is – a gloomy worldview was something Schopenhauer is known for, with some even labelling him as a 19thcentury nihilist (nihilism is the view that human existence, and ultimately life, is meaningless). He concludes that it’s not possible to have it all, and the parable ends with the advice: keep your distance.
Despite this pessimism – or, perhaps due to it – something about this parable struck a chord, as it has been returned to
throughout the centuries. The tale was quoted by Sigmund Freud in his 1921 book Group Psychology and the Analysis of the Ego – he even had a model porcupine on his desk, though he’s also the reason for the metaphor’s transition from porcupines to hedgehogs. Over the years, social scientists have also studied the dilemma and used it as part of the analysis of the experiment results. And in 2015, the award-winning short film, Henry, narrated by Elijah Wood, became a striking retelling of Schopenhauer’s parable. So that’s the theory, but what does this look like in our everyday lives? Anecdotally, most people will be able to point to an experience in their lives where a close relationship has caused them emotional harm. It might have been a long-term friendship which suddenly came to an end, a romantic relationship rocked by betrayal, or even a family member who caused harm and hurt over
a lifetime. Because these are the people closest to us, they’re also the relationships which can have the deepest impact when they go wrong. But should we let these experiences block us from letting our guard down in the future?
Schopenhauer’s advice would probably be, yes. But science would say otherwise.
In a study published in the journal PLOS Medicine, a meta-analytic review of 148 studies that looked at individual’s mortality, with a total of 308,849 participants, found that those with stronger social relationships had a 50% increased likelihood of survival. Additionally, according to the National Institute on Aging, the health risks of prolonged isolation are equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day –making Schopenhauer’s advice to ‘keep your distance’ concerning, to say the least.
If you’ve been hurt before, it might be that your ‘quills’ are up, and you’ve fallen into defence mode. Hilary Sanders is a psychodynamic couples therapist, and she points to some examples of common defence mechanisms such as going blank when particular issues are raised, and meeting observations with the assumption that it is criticism.
“Defences are often recognisable when the response seems disproportionate to the here-andnow trigger, indicating that the reaction is coming from a much earlier, and possibly buried, incident or wound,” Hilary explains.
“Most of these defensive reactions originate from early experiences of attack (bullying, criticism, unfair labelling, undermining, etc.), where the child or adolescent is overwhelmed and has to try to survive the onslaught of feeling bad and inadequate for making parents angry or upset, or of being turned against by peers,” Hilary continues. “Some of the ways to survive in the short-term are to dissociate, to pretend not to mind, to be very compliant, or sometimes to be furiously angry. But if the chosen response becomes habitual it can be problematic, because there is no conscious choice involved in an automatic response.”
If these behaviours sound familiar to you, it may be that you’re living in defence mode. In addition to the health risks that come about with social isolation, when we push others away we can end up missing out on some of life’s greatest joys.
“In therapy, if the clients can be helped to see the defence, and the original source of the coping strategies (by tracking back through the history and narrative), and they can be encouraged to be kind and compassionate to the part of themselves that developed the strategy, then they have a chance to change and not just repeat old behaviours,” Hilary explains. “They might get enough thinking space to consciously notice the feeling, remember the source, feel understanding, and respond differently.
Hilary Sanders is a therapist trained in psychodynamic couples therapy. Find out more on the Counselling Directory.
“In couples, ideally they come to know their partner’s history of defence better, too, and then can be more thoughtful in response to hitherto apparently provocative behaviour. If this is mutual, a more harmonious atmosphere is achieved, with more mature ways of relating, and less ‘ping-pong’ cycles.”
That said, if this is something you feel you want to work on personally, Hilary has a word of warning: “Defences need to be respected and not demolished in one fell swoop. Removing one brick at a time from the wall is very important.
“Recognising the pattern of one’s defences is the first step in being able to lower them consciously, and also to recognise the defences of others. It is also a very important part of being a competent therapist. If we can’t hear the music behind the words of our clients’ defences, how can we help them to do the same?”
While Schopenhauer’s pessimism is what started the hedgehog dilemma, at the heart of this metaphor is the human desire to be close to one another. Yes, there are risks in being vulnerable but, unlike hedgehogs, humans don’t come with the spikes built in. So, when we learn to lower our defences for safe, loving people, there’s a chance we actually can have it all.
10 subtle signs that you’ve made progress with your mental
You don’t feel guilty for listening to your body and what it needs
Saying ‘no’ doesn’t scare you anymore
You can separate thoughts from facts
You view mistakes as opportunities to learn, rather than punishing yourself for them
Your self-worth isn’t determined by the opinions of others
You can acknowledge and address difficult emotions, and no longer bottle them up or hide from them
You have a deeper understanding of what truly matters to you, rather than following the crowd or what society suggests you ‘should’ care about
You feel comfortable asking for help, instead of fearing judgement for it
You are focusing on the quality, rather than quantity, of relationships in your life
While the public desire for a pursuit of ‘youth’ is often the narrative pushed by the media, is the real desire more about living better for longer – and could biohacking be the key to achieving this?
Writing | Rebekah Crilly
Iwas recently at a bar when someone took it upon themselves to guess my age. They put me at 46 which, at a mere 36, cut deep. And while I appeared to stand a decade older – at least according to this one very audacious man – there is a growing group of people who seem to be defying the ageing process. Not only do they look younger, they are biologically younger than their chronological age. They call this biohacking.
Longevity expert Leslie Kenny, founder of Oxford Healthspan, calls biohacking an “umbrella term that refers to practices
that ‘hack’ our health and bodily systems to optimise performance, health, or longevity”.
Where I sat on this spectrum was questionable. I enjoyed learning about new hacks, and was a sponge for wellness trends. Light exposure? No problem, I’ll sit outside and watch the sunrise. Reduce glucose spikes? Sure thing, I’ve got apple cider vinegar for that. Fitness? Yes, I could probably outrun you. But my sleep was abysmal; I enjoyed wine way too much, and my five-a-day sat at a fraction of where it should be.
Biohacking v living well
The question is, when does taking good care of ourselves become biohacking, and where does the distinction lie? Leslie Kenny notes the latter is “more extreme” and transcends beyond the “basics needed to maintain a healthy lifestyle”. Dr Alka Patel, also known as the Longevity Lifestyle Doctor, says biohacking isn’t just about living well, but about “pushing the boundaries of what our bodies and minds can do”. While good health, by its very nature, would provide better outcomes for our lifespan, biohacking takes things a step
further – it’s about taking control of our “biological narrative”, as Dr Patel calls it.
Many of us subscribe to traditional paradigms of what health means, and these would, of course, form part of what biohacking is – be this through nutrition, meditative practice, social interaction, or exercise. The biohacker’s experience, on the other hand, is highly subjective. Dr Patel sees it as a three-part process that consists of testing, tracking, and treating.
IT’S NOT JUST ABOUT ADDING YEARS TO LIFE, BUT ADDING LIFE TO THOSE YEARS
Testing, tracking, and treating
Testing involves using diagnostic tools to gain insight into a person’s biological function. This can even go so far as to test our biological age – not the years we’ve lived, but our age at a cellular level. By monitoring glycan levels in the body, they can gauge the inflammatory state of the immune system which can be used to predict biological age, explains Leslie Kenny. Beyond testing, the biohacker will generally analyse their data through wearable technology, such as continuous glucose and blood pressure monitors, and smart rings that could measure sleep quality. Their methods are
highly synchronised to their own experiences.
Through testing and tracking, they can then effectively ‘treat’ using methods deemed to influence the body’s underlying mechanisms. This would cover nutritional optimisation such as intermittent fasting, supplementation, and physical activity. These would all seek to challenge the ageing process in a way that the broader stroke of a healthy lifestyle could not.
Biohacking from one person to the next Leslie Kenny refers to many biohacking practices as “niche”, and she’d be right. Both experts and self-confessed biohackers can find themselves more than 30 years younger than their chronological age – according to their biology – through methods that suit their own health needs. Leslie enjoys a morning concoction rich in magnesium, iron, copper, collagen, and other brain-boosting ingredients. She takes supplements to promote cell renewal, and uses blood-flow restriction bands to stimulate the release of hormones.
Dr Patel, who prefers the term “health hacking”, utilises morning sunlight, cools her bed to create a sleep-friendly temperature, uses infrared light, and traces her brain’s electrical activity (EEGs), among a host of other rituals that aim to serve her body well as she ages.
It seems this “personalised journey or experimentation and evaluation”, as Dr Patel calls it, is not for the faint-hearted.
It’s a “dedicated pursuit” that requires a “deep commitment to continuous learning, selfmonitoring, and adaptation”. And while Dr Patel views it as not just adding years to life, but adding life to those years, there are undoubted biases in how this might be achieved for the general population.
A rich man’s game?
Not only does investing in the latest testing and supplementation require a dedication of funds, it also implies that you have time to devote your life to achieving optimal health. This isn’t realistic for a large chunk of the population, just trying to survive as opposed to thriving. While many struggle to find the time for basic exercise, or to afford healthy food options, let alone buying gadgets that measure our glucose levels, it seems biohacking could never be universal.
Dr Patel acknowledges the financial status implications, but ultimately believes the philosophy behind biohacking – of improving our health potential – has application to us all. Leslie Kenny points to the many biohacking tools that don’t cost anything such as cold showers, doing simple stretches, breathwork, making social connections, and simply getting outside more.
A very basic example of how you might draw a distinction between a biohacker and a layperson is through the lens of sleep. Leslie sees optimising
IT’S NOT ABOUT DEFYING AGE, OR THE WISDOM THAT COMES WITH IT, IT’S ABOUT CHALLENGING THE NOTION THAT THIS MUST BE ACCOMPANIED BY DECLINE
sleep as one of the greatest ways to hack our health, and it is certainly something we all naturally try to improve through good habits. The biohacker, however, might use cooling pads, blue light-blocking glasses, and wear a sleep-tracking device in order to get more leverage when it comes to their Zs. We might not all be able to hack our way to full health “potential”, as Dr Patel describes, but at least we’d benefit from small steps in the right direction.
There is undoubted merit in the biohacker’s way of life, as we all ought to strive for good health in order to lead happy and fulfilling lives. As Dr Patel notes: “The pursuit of longevity should not be about merely enduring a longer life, but enhancing the quality of each day we have.” The problem is that this isn’t necessarily the message we receive in the face of what appears to be unattainable standards of ageing.
As Leslie points out: “We live in a society where youth is rewarded.” This extends far beyond the realms of just biohacking. It’s about the constant need to achieve more across our lives in terms of beauty, health, and success. While those in privileged positions might feel empowered, there are those who see this quest for ceaseless vitality as simply out of reach. But perhaps this thinking is flawed. According to Dr Patel, it’s not about defying age, or the wisdom that comes with it, it’s about challenging the notion that this must be accompanied by decline. And in a world where we are living longer, but not necessarily in good health, there is learning to be had here. By shifting the broader cultural understanding from
one of managing illness to one of optimising health, we all stand to benefit.
From the outside, it might seem a bit ‘out-there’ and unnatural. But what I’ve learned from these esteemed biohackers is that progress is possible – even without the means of hi-tech testing and ingredients I can’t pronounce. We can accept ageing as natural without necessarily bowing down to the idea that it means decline. It doesn’t mean forgoing enjoyment, but rather balancing how we treat our minds and bodies. And while the biohacker undoubtedly could outlive us all, it’s important to recognise that we can all make choices each day to improve the quality of our lives.
Always wanted to try journaling for your wellbeing, but not sure where to start? Kick off a new habit with these top tips
Writing | Caroline Butterwick
It’s been a difficult day, and I find myself sitting with a floral notebook in front of me. I want to write about how I’m feeling, but I also feel daunted. Although I’ve journaled on and off since my teens, I’ve not stuck to a regular habit, and this is the first time in a while that I’ve tried.
Part of the reason why I picked up the pen was that I’m aware of how it can support our wellbeing. “Journaling can help us process things that have happened to us,” explains counsellor Beth Roberts. “It can help us to spot patterns that we might not notice otherwise. For instance, we might notice we’re prone to making decisions based on others’ opinions, or making sweeping negative statements. It can be liberating and helpful to spot these patterns.
“Journaling can help us find our own voice and learn about ourselves, including our values, beliefs, wants, and needs,” adds Beth. “We also can harness our creativity through journaling, and discover solutions, or ways forward, for things going on in our lives.”
Despite the benefits, it can be hard to start journaling.
“An important question might be, ‘What do I want to get out of
the journaling?’” Beth says. “If you would like to journal to process things that are going on for you, it could be that you would like to write a ‘stream of consciousness’, which is literally starting to write the first thing that comes into your head without any judgement, and carrying on until you have to stop, or there is nothing more to say. Alternatively, if your answer is that you would like to find out more about yourself, you could use more structured journal prompts.”
I’ve found that I turn to journaling when I want to explore something that’s troubling me, but also in times when I’ve wanted to keep notes about what’s going on, from nature walks to days out. It feels like a private space to write things down without judgement.
When and where you journal is up to you. “I think it’s important, where possible, to journal somewhere you feel safe and comfortable,” says Beth. “This might be your bedroom, study, or garden, but equally I’ve found that train journeys are a great time to do some journaling!”
Think about what time of day works best for you. “For some people, getting up half an hour earlier to journal works well,” Beth says. “The good thing about this is that guards that may be
up later in the day are down first thing in the morning, after being asleep. Others like to journal at night, because then they can let go of things before falling to sleep. For someone else, fitting in some journaling before the kids come home from school might work.”
Knowing where to begin can be tricky. I find that free writing (writing whatever comes to me, without second-guessing myself) is a good way to get the words flowing. Remember the journal is just for you, so don’t worry about what other people will think. While it isn’t necessary to follow prompts, they can help you get going, especially if you’re unsure where to start. Beth gives the following suggestions:
Journaling prompts about emotions
How do I feel right now? How does this feel in my body? When was the last time I felt like this? What is it like just to be with this emotion with no judgement? Is it helpful to continue to be with this feeling, or am I being unkind to myself, or dwelling on something I don’t need to dwell on? If it isn’t productive to stay with these emotions, what can I do to shift them? And what has helped in the past?
What are my core values? What beliefs do I hold from my family, school, or society, and do they hold up to scrutiny? What did I used to love doing but don’t do any more, and why did I stop doing it? What am I proud of myself for?
Sometimes, journaling can bring up difficult emotions. While these can be cathartic and good to explore, it’s also important to look after yourself.
“If you know you are going to write about something difficult, it can be a good idea to time the journaling so that you aren’t doing it for too long, or you could take a break and do something completely different,” recommends Beth. Plan to do something nice afterwards, like going for a walk or reading.
“If you do find yourself getting upset while journaling, it’s really important to check in with yourself regarding whether it’s productive or detrimental to continue,” adds Beth. “If you are so upset that you feel panicky or that the tears you are crying are not relieving, it may be a sign that you’re too upset for the journaling to be productive. If you become incredibly distressed, reach out for help from a friend, family member, or helpline. It might also be a sign that therapy could be helpful.”
Be gentle with yourself while you try journaling. I’ve found that journaling can be emotional, but it’s also helped me understand myself, and have an outlet for my thoughts. Whether you want to try it occasionally, or make it a daily ritual, journaling can be a powerful way of exploring who we are.
Forever is composed of nows
If you’re feeling triggered by current events, hope might be the best way to cope
Writing
| Holly Treacy Illustrating | Rosan Magar
When it comes to wellness and TikTok, there seems to be a new trend every week, but one in particular, called #Hopecore, has been gaining significant traction. Whether it’s appreciating a beautiful sunrise, sharing a story of personal growth, or highlighting acts of kindness, this trend is all about recognising and celebrating the good in everyday life. And boy, do we need a little bit of hope right now.
What exactly is hopecore?
“‘Hopecore’ embodies positivity, warmth, and celebration,” explains Dr Sophie Mort, mental health expert at Headspace. “In a world where we’re exposed to devastating news and uncertainty every day, it instead focuses on embracing the good in life, no matter how big or small.”
Counsellor Georgina Sturmer agrees, adding: “The concept
of ‘hopecore’ represents a defiance towards negativity and pessimism. It’s a tacit acknowledgement of the addictive pull of doomscrolling, and how it can amplify negative thoughts, and leave us feeling sad, depressed, anxious, or hopeless.” Instead, Georgina suggests that ‘hopecore’ offers us a movement that promotes the sharing of moments that are “good, kind, beautiful, and that have the capacity to be uplifting”. But it’s not just about being positive. “It involves validating all of our emotions,” says Dr Mort. “Fostering a supportive and empathetic environment, while encouraging a more optimistic, yet balanced outlook on life.”
Why do we need more hope? So, how might it be helpful to our mindset? According to Dr Mort, as humans, we have a natural tendency to look for, and focus on, the bad things. “Embracing
‘hopecore’ can encourage us to cultivate a more positive mindset, and instead recognise any small, yet powerful glimmers of hope, positivity, or gratitude we feel throughout the day,” she says. Dr Mort says these can be internal or external cues that cause us to feel connected to the world or the people around us, or create a feeling of safety and calmness. “They will likely look different for each of us; for some, it might be receiving a heartwarming text from a friend, while for others, it might be cuddling up on the sofa with our pet. However, noticing these experiences can help to soothe our nervous system, and make us feel more present.”
Georgina Sturmer believes that hopecore encourages us to retain perspective when we are feeling down. “It promotes simple, accessible ways to lift our mood, and help us to feel more grounded and content,” she says. >>>
Georgina Sturmer is an integrative counsellor helping clients create a more confident life. Reach out via the Counselling Directory
“The idea of hopecore also reminds us that we have a choice. That we have autonomy over the content that we choose to see, read, watch, and share. That we don’t have to be passive bystanders, and that we can choose to curate and select our own inspiration from the online world.”
Dr Mort agrees, going on to say: “Many live in an incredibly fastpaced society, and there are a lot of alarming and difficult things happening in the world right now. So celebrating the good in our everyday lives is important, now more than ever.”
“When we feel more hopeful about life, it can help us to feel more resilient in the face of life’s challenges,” adds Georgina. “This sense of hope and optimism can help us to feel less stressed and anxious, and more able to cope.”
What makes hopecore different from toxic positivity?
Most of us know by now that it’s not healthy to look on the bright side all the time, and Dr Mort is quick to remind us that ‘hopecore’, or being an upbeat person, doesn’t mean you need to be positive 100% of the time –because that’s not realistic.
She also says that it doesn’t mean we have to pretend everything is fine when it isn’t. “This is an example of ‘toxic positivity’, where positivity can be detrimental to our wellbeing by us not being authentic to our true feelings,” Dr Mort explains.
Georgina adds that toxic positivity suggests that we
would benefit from ignoring, avoiding, or shutting down, any negative thoughts or feelings. “In practice, this can create, rather than reduce, problems and challenges,” she says. “When we avoid our feelings, they don’t disappear; they are likely to simmer and lead to unexpected and unpredictable consequences.”
By contrast, Georgina says that hopecore isn’t about ignoring the things that are negative in our lives. “It’s about accompanying them with a side order of hope and optimism,” she says. “So that we can stay present, acknowledge our fears and worries, but also
take strength from the idea of feeling hopeful.”
Dr Mort shares this view, adding that while hopecore celebrates the positive parts of life, it still acknowledges and accepts the reality of life’s potential difficulties and, at the same time, encourages a hopeful outlook. She says: “It encourages a balanced perspective, recognising that being a positive person is someone who is able to honour the ebbs and flows of life, and remain able to see the glimmers and moments of hope, even when life or the world isn’t feeling very hopeful.”
1. Find a mindfulness practice that works for you. Dr Mort says building a mindfulness practice can help us to bring hopecore into our lives, as it helps us recognise those positive moments by increasing our awareness of the present, our thoughts, and how we feel in response to certain cues and events.
“It can also encourage us to train our minds, in the same way we might train our muscles, to see the beauty and existing positivity in our lives,” she says. “Apps such as Headspace are a great way to get stuck into practising mindfulness, in a gentle way; the ‘Everyday Gratitude’ and the ‘Appreciation’ course can be a great place to start.”
2. Acknowledge what you feel grateful for. “Whether we jot these items down, or simply say them aloud each morning, practising gratitude for the things we appreciate in our lives can help to encourage us to embrace hopecore,” says Dr Mort. “And these don’t have to include big life achievements, even on the days where we might struggle to feel grateful for certain things, we can keep it simple like: ‘I’m grateful that I got five minutes of extra sleep.’”
3. Play an active role in curating your social media feed. Georgina says this starts with noticing which users, posts, themes, and topics leave you feeling inspired, and which leave you feeling full of doom. “Consider how you can change settings, put boundaries in place, and adjust your use of the online world in order to feel more hopeful,” she says.
hypnotherapy
QSolution-focused hypnotherapist Andy Selway-Woolley explores the benefits of hypnotherapy for managing a needle phobia.
Read more about Andy on the Hypnotherapy Directory.
What is trypanophobia, and can it impact daily
ASome people struggle with an intense fear of needles called trypanophobia. This can make medical procedures, such as getting vaccinations or blood tests, feel deeply distressing and overwhelming.
QWhy might someone develop a fear of needles?
AA fear of needles can start for reasons such as negative past experiences (i.e. a painful injection, or seeing someone else in pain during medical treatment). It may also come from being very
Those with trypanophobia may experience severe anxiety, and physical reactions like sweating, a rapid heartbeat, or faintness when faced with needles –or even just the thought of needles.
Over time, these individuals may develop extreme apprehension about attending
sensitive to pain, or a feeling of not being in control in a medical situation, which can make the fear grow more extreme as time passes.
As these experiences get repeated, the brain –specifically the area called the amygdala, which is responsible for processing fear – can start
medical appointments or receiving injections, potentially stopping them from seeking medical advice, medical treatment, and/or attending regular health check-ups. This can compromise their overall health and wellbeing, through delay – or avoidance of – medical intervention.
to associate needles with danger, triggering an intense ‘fight-or-flight’ response. This reaction is particularly strong in people prone to anxiety. When confronted with a needle, the amygdala’s excessive reaction interprets it as a serious risk, making the person feel intense fear or panic.
AIn my work as a solutionfocused hypnotherapist, I typically use a technique known as the ‘rewind and reframe’ method, when appropriate, to help a person overcome their fear of needles.
The ‘rewind’ phase involves guiding the person into a trance, where they can revisit their memories of needles from a safe and detached perspective. This process helps reduce the intensity of the memory by desensitising it, reducing its emotional charge
in the amygdala. This approach helps to lessen the automatic fear response, making it easier for the person to face situations involving needles calmly, and with more confidence.
In the ‘reframe’ phase (the following session), we work with the person on building new, positive associations. Through guided visualisation, the person imagines themselves feeling calm, in control, and relaxed when faced with situations involving needles. This process helps to shift their perspective, reducing anxiety, and increasing their confidence in handling these moments successfully.
Andy’s top tips to help manage a needle phobia during a medical visit
• Practise deep breathing. Before and during your appointment, perform deep, slow breaths. This will calm your body and mind. Breathe in deeply through your nose for a count of four, hold for a moment, then exhale slowly through your mouth for a count of four. Repeat this several times to initiate your body’s relaxation response, helping to reduce anxiety.
• Try to divert your attention. Bring headphones to play music, or look at an object in the room to take your mind off the needle, shifting your focus.
• Practise positive visualisation. Picture yourself remaining calm and confident during the experience (positive rehearsal), positively impacting your mindset and reducing anxiety.
• Communicate with your healthcare professional. Let the professional know about your fear/phobia, so they can support you. This can allow them to potentially adjust their approach, to make you feel more comfortable.
Writing | Elizabeth Bennett Illustrating | Rosan Magar
It takes a village to raise a child.”
It’s a popular phrase, and one that rings particularly true for those who are parenting without a partner. Single parents face unique challenges as they are managing all aspects of parenting alone, while also balancing work, financial responsibilities, and personal wellbeing.
“The emotional strain can be significant, as they may not have someone to share the burdens of decision-making, caregiving, and day-to-day tasks,” psychotherapist Tina Chummun explains. On top of this, social isolation is also common for single parents. “They have less time and energy for personal relationships, leaving them with fewer opportunities for emotional support and relaxation,” Tina says.
“Alongside the financial stress of raising a child alone, the cumulative effect of these factors can lead to severe stress, burnout, emotional exhaustion, and a heightened sense of loneliness,” she adds.
If you have a single parent in your life, whether it’s a family member or friend, supporting them can play a crucial
role in alleviating some of these ongoing pressures.
“Providing this type of consistent, practical support can make a significant impact on both the emotional and physical wellbeing of single parents, helping them feel less alone in their parenting journey,” Tina says. While it can be difficult to know the best way to support someone, the following suggestions are a good start.
Consistent communication is vital. “When you regularly check-in with the single parent, you ensure they feel
supported and know they have someone to turn to. This creates a reliable safety net where the parent feels comfortable reaching out when they’re overwhelmed or need to talk,” Tina explains.
At first, figuring out the flow of this, and the best means of communication, may take a little trial and error, but you will soon fall into a rhythm with it. If in doubt, ask the parent what they find to be the most helpful. For example, asking if they would prefer a weekly phone call or more regular WhatsApp checkins.
Naturally, most people don’t always want to ask for help, especially when it comes to something like childcare. It’s important, therefore, to take the initiative and offer to spend time with their children through regular visits, outings, or activities.
“This not only gives the single parent a break, but also provides the children with additional role models and positive relationships,” Tina says. “Offering to take the children to the park, for example, can help the parent recharge while still knowing their kids are cared for,” she adds. If you have your own children, inviting them along to your family activities without their parent is always a nice idea, to give the parent a bit of a breather.
Single parents are busy people, and always tight for time as they balance childcare, work, and other responsibilities. Any help with day-to-day tasks can feel like a big gift.
“Offer to help with practical tasks, such as grocery shopping, picking up the kids, or cooking a meal. These small gestures can make a huge difference in easing the daily load,” Tina suggests. Instead of saying something vague like, “Let me know if you need anything,” sometimes it is easier to offer specific suggestions, for example: “I am going to the shops tomorrow evening, do you want me to pick you up some bits for the weekend? I could drop them off at yours on my way back.”
“Offering to go out with them for a coffee or a meal provides a much-needed break, and a chance for them to connect socially, reducing feelings of isolation,” Tina says. Although single parents might have less free time than parents in a couple, it is also important to make an effort to invite them to social events. This way, they don’t feel excluded.
Any help with day-to-day tasks can feel like a big gift
TOO
While single parents always appreciate a little alone time while you look after the kids, they will almost certainly be craving some adult companionship or socialising, too.
The reality is that life for a single parent can be busy and unpredictable, so it’s important to accept and respect this. Try to put yourself in their shoes if plans change at the last minute, or they can’t offer you as much support as you can in return at this moment in time. “Offering flexible and non-judgemental support, where they feel no guilt in accepting help, allows them to manage their responsibilities without the fear of burdening others,” Tina explains.
When you feel at a loss for words, use these prompts to help craft a compassionate message to let a loved one know you’re there for them
I’m so sorry to hear about [X] passing away. I know this must be such a hard time, but just know we’re thinking of you.
I’ve spent the past few days since the news thinking back over so many memories with [X]. If you ever want to reminisce, or just have a good chat about it all, call me any time.
I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am for your loss.
Sending you so much love right now.
I heard once that the tears and pain we feel when we lose someone, is a reflection of all the unexpressed love we didn’t get to share with them. Often we hurt so deeply, because we loved so deeply – and trust me, they know how much you cared.
I know that you and [x] had a very complex relationship, and I can’t imagine how it feels to lose them. But I’m here if you ever want to talk about it
I can’t imagine how heartbreaking this must be for you. Know that I’m here if you need anything. Please don’t feel any pressure to respond, but I wanted to say how truly sorry I am about [X] passing away.
I know this time of year can bring up a lot of memories, so I thought I’d just check in. How are you holding up?
Sometimes called a ‘vulnerability hangover’, have you ever felt overwhelming anxiety over a sentiment you shared with others? Whether it’s an anecdote, thought, or feeling, regretting your candidness can be a common experience, but perhaps we can change our outlook on oversharing…
Writing | Kai Conibear
We’ve all been there; you’re at a party or out with friends, and say something in the moment that suddenly fills you with dread the next day. You worry you’ve embarrassed yourself by sharing something so deeply personal. You’re consumed by catastrophising and overthinking, concerned people will think less of you or be ashamed of you for what you spoke about. So how do we break out of this cycle of shame? What if the answer is that oversharing isn’t always bad, it’s just altering our perspective on opening up, or creating an environment to do so, that needs to change?
Why does oversharing make us feel embarrassed?
While mental wellbeing advocates have long-heralded the benefits of opening up and being honest about our thoughts, feelings, and experiences (when we’re comfortable to do so), in practice it’s often easier said than done. We might feel silly for disclosing something intimate, and second-guess whether we should have. Being in such a vulnerable position can cause us to overthink in the aftermath, fixating on what the person or people we were talking to now think of us. Are they judging us, ridiculing us, or no longer want
to spend time with us? We might feel the need to fix the situation somehow, and that can often lead to more oversharing, because when we’re anxious we can often end up blurting out more than we expected to, or sharing all this with someone we didn’t plan to. Realistically, it’s not even what we said that’s the issue, it’s all the uncertainty and unknowns –essentially other people and their thoughts – that cause us anxiety.
What causes us to overshare?
There can be a myriad of reasons and circumstances that lead to an episode of oversharing, just a few of these scenarios include... >>>
Socialising can be anxietyinducing and challenging. In these situations, some people may turn to alcohol to numb their senses, or in an attempt to boost confidence, but, inevitably, alcohol makes us feel less inhibited which naturally leads to oversharing – and the potential regret that follows.
When we feel lonely or isolated, more often than not, we might try to speed up a relationship in order to form those deeper connections we’re missing.
When socialising in an anxious state, we may worry that we’re not engaging enough, or feel the other person is losing interest in the conversation. So, in order to gain that interest, we might overshare. Further to this, anxiety can make people more sensitive to rejection.
Anxious attachment is categorised as having low self-esteem, and a strong fear of rejection or abandonment. This need for safety in relationships can lead to oversharing to create stronger bonds with others.
Anxiety and neurodivergence are commonly linked, so we may overshare for fear of feeling left out. Additionally, people who are neurodivergent may find it difficult to read a room – they may not know when to share and when not to share something intimate
about themselves. Those who are autistic, for instance, might not pick up on social nuances which neurotypical people take for granted, such as boundaries and what they are comfortable talking about, if these haven’t been expressly communicated. With ADHD, people can be more impulsive, so can be more likely to overshare in social si tuations by responding and talking instinctively.
Can oversharing be a positive experience? Regret and overthinking post-
event are what leave us doubting the experience, but oversharing isn’t always a negative trait. Opening ourselves up by being vulnerable and honest can help us make deeper connections with like-minded people.
As an example, if someone has been vulnerable with you, returning the sentiment can bring them comfort, validating their openness by putting yourselves both out there, trusting each other, and creating a safe space to do so.
Another factor at play can be that neurodivergent people often speak in statements, rather than
questions. To some, this can come across as rude, but most of the time it’s a way of expressing interest or solidarity with what’s been said. This can seem like the person is oversharing, but instead, all that’s happening is they’re trying to make a connection with the person they’re speaking to. For friendship groups that value this type of communication, oversharing can be seen as an asset and encouraged as a powerful tool for creating stronger bonds. When boundaries are put in place that everyone understands and are aware of, then you can safely share without the worry and anxiety that you’ve said something wrong, or secondguessing yourself.
We all communicate differently, and we should embrace this individuality. So, if oversharing is a trait you know you lean into at times, it can help you to feel more comfortable in the aftermath if you’re upfront about this.
For those who are neurodivergent, this can mean telling someone directly about how you communicate. When
meeting someone new, or whenever you feel it’s appropriate, you might want to acknowledge that you sometimes overshare. People respect honesty, and being open from the beginning will make for less awkward moments as you interact. Something that can help in these introductory chats is asking people about their boundaries, if you’re unsure. Know that it’s OK to get a full picture of a social situation, if you don’t know the rules and cues.
With social anxiety, chances are you could be speaking to someone who feels the same way, or who can at least empathise. Before sharing, acknowledge how the person speaking was feeling about the story they shared. If the person feels they have been heard and listened to, and you understand the emotional impact of what they’ve shared, they’ll be much more receptive to you sharing with them. And in situations where you begin noticing that pit in your stomach of regret or embarrassment about oversharing, talk about it with the person you just opened up to. It could be as simple as acknowledging it, which can diffuse any tension you feel and resolve any awkwardness.
Being vulnerable can be a scary thing, especially if it happens in circumstances we weren’t expecting. But awareness of our habits, and the need to open up, can help us to create a safer environment for not only ourselves, but those around us, to share as well. So, perhaps moving forwards, oversharing doesn’t need to be a habit to be hated, but rather a weight off your mind.
is
(and do I need help?)
Breakups are rarely easy, but what if moving on after a relationship is even harder for you than others?
Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
Ending a relationship can be… tough. Perhaps you’ve drifted apart and things have ended amicably; maybe communication broke down, or your emotional connection faded over time. Infidelity, money troubles, toxic or excessive jealousy, trouble making things work long-distance – there are more reasons than you can count for a relationship to end. Yet, for many of us, that doesn’t make the healing process any easier.
The average adult in the US will experience three major breakups during their lifetime, taking six months to get over each fully, according to a survey by OnePoll. Yet, according to research, on average we give ourselves just four days to ‘wallow in sadness’ (or rather, grieve for the relationship we have lost) immediately after it has ended. For those ending a more longterm, committed relationship, like a marriage, studies estimate it can take up to 18 months to feel ready to move on.
So, why do some of us seem to be more affected than others when it comes to moving on from our relationships? And could taking longer to ‘get over’ your ex be a sign of something more serious?
BREAKUPS: WHAT’S NORMAL?
The end of a relationship can come with huge life changes. If
you shar a home, you may find yourself needing to move; if you share bills, you’ll need to take another look at your finances. If things aren’t amicable, who gets to ‘keep’ your mutual friends?
And that’s not even touching the emotional turmoil that can leave you feeling anxious, angry, sad, overwhelmed, bitter, confused, hurt, and heartbroken. While there’s no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to experience a breakup, there are aspects which can make it easier for you both. You may feel more able and ready to move on if:
• The breakup happened face-to-face. Ghosting, or being rejected by text, call, or email, can stop you from having the chance to express yourself and your feelings, or having an opportunity for closure. This can prevent you from feeling able to move on, as you may seem like you have unfinished business, or too much has been left unsaid.
• You both had the chance to be honest. Having a real reason for the ending of a relationship (without going into too much detail, or feeling too brutal) can help create a sense of catharsis. You may still be unhappy, or not fully agree with the reason, but knowing why things have ended can be a big help in moving on.
your relationship, or tries to argue that your reasons or feelings aren’t valid, it can cause more harm than good. Even if part of you desperately wants to remain friends, it can be easier if you don’t.
• You avoided blame and shame. In any relationship, nobody is perfect. Trying to villainize one partner isn’t helpful for either of you (even if they have done something many feel is unforgivable, such as cheating). We’re all human. While it doesn’t fix the betrayal, avoiding pointing fingers can help you to avoid holding onto feelings of resentment and anger.
• You took time to grieve. The end of a relationship is a big deal. Giving yourself enough time to fully process not only what has happened, but what you have lost and what could have been, is an important part of the process. Even if things ended amicably, or you have drifted apart, there could still be a lot to process. When you take the time to do this, it can help to resolve any underlying tensions or upset, and ensure you feel more ready to move on to a new chapter in your life.
• You had a clean break. When one partner tries to hang on, insists on ‘fixing’ or ‘saving’ >>>
But what if you didn’t have one or more of these? And what if negative feelings are still lingering, months after your breakup?
After a big, unsettling or upsetting life event like a breakup, it’s normal to feel low. But when these feelings last for a long time and start to affect your day-to-day life, it can be a sign of something more serious.
A 2019 study in PLOS ONE found that, post-breakup, our emotional state can closely resemble clinical depression. Breakup depression, also known as situational depression, is where these negative feelings after a breakup continue to last longer than six months, and significantly impact other areas of your life.
Giving yourself time to embrace your emotions – positive and negative – can help you to better process them, while taking time to grieve for your lost relationship.
Symptoms, intensity, and length can vary from person to person. But some signs that can indicate depression over typical end-ofrelationship sadness include:
• Apathy, hopelessness, helplessness, or worthlessness
• Sudden changes in weight or appetite (increase or decrease)
• Fatigue, lack of energy, or listlessness
• Trouble sleeping or waking up (too much or too little sleep)
• Loss of interest in hobbies
• An ongoing feeling of being sad, empty, or numb
• Thoughts of self-harm, passive suicidal ideation, or suicidal thoughts
If you’re worried that you’re experiencing symptoms for a prolonged period, or that they’re getting worse, it’s important to seek help. Speaking with your GP can be the first step towards being assessed for depression, and getting support.
Situational depression can be triggered by big life events. The end of a relationship can create high levels of stress, emotional distress, and upset, as well as leading to big life changes, which not only feel overwhelming, but which you may feel like you have to face alone.
The aftershocks of a breakup can permeate through all aspects of our lives, impacting our support networks (losing shared friends, access to extended family), our financial situation (not splitting bills, returning to a single income), and even figuring out co-parenting. But there are a lot of internal effects, too.
A breakup may negatively impact your self-esteem and confidence, leaving you secondguessing your decisions or being overly self-critical. You may become more insecure, anxious, or uncertain.
If you already have low selfesteem, it could affect how you see yourself and others. You may struggle to value, like, or believe in yourself, and blame yourself for anything that goes wrong. This crisis of confidence can result in you not trusting your own judgement or abilities. This can create a destructive cycle, leading you to feel more insecure and likely to doubt yourself. The result? It’s even harder to move forward.
CAN I LOOK AFTER MY MENTAL
AND MOVE ON AFTER A BREAKUP?
Situational depression symptoms typically fade within six months, so for more mild or moderate cases, you may feel able to work through these yourself. However, if you’re worried about your symptoms, or how long your low mood is lasting, speaking with your GP is the first step. They can offer assessments, referrals, and treatment options.
In a lot of cases, just talking through what you’re feeling can be an immense help. If you’re not comfortable opening up to a friend or family member about the details of your breakup, a counsellor could be a good alternative, allowing you to speak with someone with an outside perspective, who can offer you a safe, neutral space to express yourself. This can, for many, feel freeing, and help you to process unresolved thoughts and feelings.
Alternatively, hypnotherapy can be a useful tool for handling heartbreak. A hypnotherapist can help you to reframe your thoughts, focuses, and goals in this time of upheaval, and may help you to picture a future without your ex, enabling you to feel less overwhelmed in the here and now.
Giving yourself time to embrace your emotions – positive and negative – can help you to better process them, while taking time to grieve for your lost relationship. Journaling can be a healthy outlet for this.
Beyond that, creating a healthy, sustainable self-care routine can ensure that your wellbeing is still a priority. Showing yourself that care and attention you deserve, even when you don’t feel it, will eventually override that voice of self-doubt, and help to rebuild your confidence and self-worth. Additionally, wellbeing staples like getting enough sleep, eating well, and gentle movement can boost your mood, energy levels, and help to fuel you through the tough period of adjustment.
And if you find yourself reminiscing, remember, it’s OK to look back on the good parts of your relationship. It’s highly likely that you shared many happy memories together. Just do your best to avoid thinking of only positive or negatives, as this can give you a skewed view, leaving your stuck in the past rather than looking forward to your future.
Nourish your body with this healing, comforting spiced drink
Writing | Derya Hyusein
Winter has arrived, and there’s no better way to embrace the season than with a drink that captures its essence — not just in appearance, but also in warmth and flavour. The golden hue of this drink reflects the cosy tones of
winter, inviting you to indulge in something even more special: its incredible health benefits. With each sip of golden milk, you’ll enjoy a comforting taste, while nourishing your body in profound ways, making it the perfect companion for chilly days.
1 serving Ingredients
• 250ml milk (dairy or non-dairy)
• 1 tsp ground turmeric
• 1 small piece of grated fresh ginger
• ½ tsp ground cinnamon
• ¼ tsp black pepper
• 1 tsp honey
• ¼ tsp cardamom
Method
1. Add all the ingredients to a saucepan over medium heat. Bring to a simmer, stirring occasionally to prevent the turmeric and cinnamon from clumping.
2. Let the mixture simmer for a further 10 minutes to allow the flavours to meld.
3. Pour into a cup, and enjoy your golden drink!
Top tip: If you’re using plant-based milk, consider a ‘barista’ version. This is made to foam for a creamier, richer finish – it’s even creamier than cow’s milk!
The healthy bit
Turmeric is often heralded as one of nature’s most powerful healing ingredients, and for good reason. Its active compound, curcumin, is widely known for its antiinflammatory properties, which can be especially beneficial if you have an autoimmune condition. In a study published in Nutrients, curcumin was shown to help regulate inflammatory signals, offering relief without the sideeffects of some pharmaceutical medications. It can also help reduce joint pain caused by osteoarthritis and rheumatoid arthritis.
But turmeric isn’t the only star in golden milk. Cinnamon and ginger, both key ingredients, have been shown to support heart health. Cinnamon may help regulate blood sugar by reducing glucose absorption after meals, while ginger and turmeric contribute to reducing inflammation, potentially lowering the risk of chronic diseases such as heart disease and even cancer.
One ingredient you might not expect in this comforting drink is black pepper, but don’t skip it! Black pepper enhances your body’s ability to absorb curcumin, making it an essential component of the golden milk recipe.
In a study published in the Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology Research, curcumin
was shown to have promising effects in managing polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) symptoms by reducing androgen levels, improving insulin resistance, and decreasing inflammation. Curcumin’s antiinflammatory, anti-angiogenic, and pro-apoptotic properties help alleviate symptoms of endometriosis. Both in vitro and in vivo studies, such as one published in the journal Antioxidants, support its potential to reduce the growth of endometrial tissue and inflammation, though clinical trials on humans remain limited. Although the current clinical evidence is limited, the good news is that none of the studies reported any harmful effects from curcumin use, making it a safe option to explore further for therapeutic purposes, and also for the pleasure of enjoying a warm cup of the golden drink!
Whether you’re drinking it to boost your health or simply to savour its rich flavour, golden milk offers much more than a cosy experience – it’s a nourishing powerhouse that promotes overall wellness with each warm sip.
Derya Hyusein is a registered dietitian with a keen focus on epigenetics, nutrigenetics, diabetes, oncology, and women’s health. Reach out via the Nutritionist Resource.
Welcome to Anxiety on Your Mind, the new series where we explore the reality of anxiety in the lives of real people. In this edition, Bryony reflects on the how her relationship with anxiety has evolved over the years
Writing | Bryony Mutton as told to Kathryn Wheeler
Istarted the week by reflecting on my relationship with anxiety. These days, it manifests more in response to existential questions and making big life decisions. My job is something that’s affecting me at the moment, and I’ve been spending a lot of time reflecting on it. I moved to Paris two years ago, to pursue the language and the culture, and I work for a group of climbing gyms. On Monday there was a clash with someone at work and, for the first time in a very long time, I felt panicky and overwhelmed. Working there has been brilliant but, now, there are things that are starting to weigh me down. I had the day off on Wednesday – I had very minimal plans, but I went for coffee with two of my friends. The day felt like a little win because, when I first came to Paris, as a 20-year-old on my university year abroad, I had generalised anxiety. I didn’t push myself to do things because I felt overcome by anxiety, and I drank quite a lot of alcohol and socially smoked.
I stopped drinking a few years ago, I don’t smoke anymore, and I’ve grown up a lot – so, on this particular day, I had a moment where I felt really glad I pushed myself to move back, because Paris was one of the things that I felt like I hadn’t done properly because of anxiety.
When I was in my early 20s, I experienced burnout, which slowly led to severe depression. I was unwell for a period of about seven months. But I always say that it’s one of the best things that ever happened to me, because it brought to light some deep-rooted patterns. My issues had a lot to do with perfectionism, being too dependent on results and outcomes, and being a high achiever. One of the things that helped shift my relationship with anxiety was lifestyle choices, and deciding to stop drinking for good.
Wild nights out and alcohol used to be a heavy feature in my life. It used to be the norm, especially going to university in the UK, and the binge drinking culture in young professional jobs. But with this change, things have slowly shifted.
Thursday was another day off. Throughout the day, I did some job searching. I can get quite overwhelmed by it – I was looking too much and too often, every moment of my day was spent thinking about extracting myself from France – so I try to stick to an hour a week now.
In the evening, I went climbing with some friends. Movement is the thing that saved me when I experienced burnout and depression. I remember, at the time, my mum would take me to yoga classes, thinking it would do me good. But, because I was so unwell, yoga classes gave me too much time to think – and the turbulence in my head felt excruciating. Swimming was the only thing that helped me disengage from my thoughts. Without realising it, swimming became like a form of active meditation for me. It’s something I fall back on over and over again, and couldn’t imagine life without. On Friday evening, my mum sent me details of a job in Sheffield. I got really excited about the thought of this opportunity and
For more from Bryony, follow her on Instagram @bry__mut
it ended up keeping me awake. I often refer to these thoughts as ‘chimp thoughts’. I read The Chimp Paradox by Professor Steve Peters a few years ago, and it helped me understand that when your thoughts start spiralling, that it’s just the ‘chimp’ part of your brain taking over. Once you recognise that, it can help you just relax, let go a little bit, or regain control.
But that particular evening my brain just got carried away, so I didn’t sleep very well.
After being excited about this upcoming opportunity the night before, I set an alarm to get up early to start brainstorming –even though I knew I should have rested. It’s one of those moments where I realised, afterwards, that I had slipped into anxious ‘chimp
thoughts’ about leaving France, and I felt flat all day. Saturday was the day that I crashed and, again, on Sunday I felt tired. When things get hard, or when I’m feeling a bit low, my thoughts go back to longing for Sheffield – back where I truly feel at home.
When I reflect on the anxiety I felt over the week, the pattern is very much thinking about the future and feeling like I’m spiralling. But a lesson that I keep learning over and over again is the need to hold on to self-belief. I’ve got a strong sense of self, but in those moments of anxiety, I lose touch with that. I would like to believe in myself in the turbulent moments because, when you look back on it, I feel like everything happens for a reason.
Breaking down misconceptions around seeking professional support, to ensure stigma doesn’t hold you back from making your mental health a priority
Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid
Nowadays, it’s becoming more common to take pride in looking after your mental health. Perhaps you proudly plan a self-care day to soothe anxiety, or try dopamine dressing to boost your mood. But when it comes to therapy, you’re just not sure it’s for you. Often, this reluctance comes from misconceptions about what it means to be ‘in therapy’, and who it’s for. Misleading portrayals in media and everyday conversations fuel these myths, causing people to miss out on potentially lifechanging support. So, we’re debunking the most common therapy myths with the guidance of counsellor Abigail Holman.
MYTH: Therapy is only for people with severe mental illnesses or those in crisis.
We sometimes think about therapy as a last resort, something we’ll get to later after we’ve tried everything else in our self-care toolkit. “I often hear from clients who didn’t feel they were ‘bad enough’ to seek counselling,” says Abigail, “which means they may have struggled for a long time without support, before eventually seeking therapy.”
things like improving selfesteem to feel more confident in relationships, tackling imposter syndrome when going for a promotion, or setting boundaries in tricky family situations.”
Of course, therapy is valuable for those in crisis. But as Abigail explains: “It can also help with
Accessing therapy when you’re relatively stable will set the stage to build a strong connection with your therapist. You’ll also be able to absorb information and learn new skills when you’re not in crisis. This means if your wellbeing does take a dip, you’ll be better positioned to receive support from a therapist you trust, using tools you’re already familiar with.
MYTH: Talking to a therapist is no different from talking to a friend.
Talking about your emotional experiences can make you feel incredibly vulnerable, so it makes sense that talking to a friend would seem like the obvious place to go. While it’s important
to have a strong support network around you, talking to a therapist offers a distinct form of support.
“Therapy gives you a dedicated space solely focused on helping you make meaningful progress,” says Abigail. “Friends are likely to take your side out of loyalty, no matter what (in therapy, we call this colluding), but a
therapist provides a neutral space where you can openly explore every angle of an issue.
As therapists, we are trained not to collude with our clients because, although it can provide perceived support in the moment, it may also prevent important issues from being fully explored.”
Good friends might want the best for you, but they might also sugarcoat things and avoid tough conversations. Therapists, on the other hand, are skillfully trained to facilitate such conversations towards a resolution. “This impartiality and openness can support in identifying patterns, reflecting on deeper concerns, and finding solutions, offering much more than just a space to vent,” says Abigail. >>>
MYTH: Therapy is just about lying on a sofa and talking about your childhood.
There is value in examining your childhood, because it forms your worldview and determines how you feel, perceive, and react to current situations. However, therapists are trained in different approaches, and the style of therapy will depend on the specific modality they use.
“It’s true that some therapeutic approaches, like psychodynamic therapy, do focus heavily on childhood, but not all therapy is like that,” says Abigail.
“For instance, I was trained in person-centred therapy, and later incorporated other modalities, such as solutionfocused brief therapy (SFBT). The way I work is very much about tailoring the session to what the client needs. We might explore the past if it’s useful, but we also focus on present-day issues, whether that’s learning coping mechanisms for stress, finding ways to communicate better, or building confidence.”
As Abigail highlights, the main thing is creating a safe space where clients feel comfortable to freely speak about their challenges in a non-judgemental environment. “Therapy can absolutely include working through past experiences if that’s what the client needs, but it can also be incredibly practical and focused on moving forward,” she says.
MYTH: Therapy is too expensive for most people in the UK.
Private therapy isn’t accessible to everyone, which is perhaps why the National Audit Office estimates 1.2 million people are on NHS mental health waiting lists. However, there are alternative routes to professional support. For example, local charities offer free or low-cost therapy, and you might get access to therapy through your health insurance or workplace Employee Assistance Programmes (EAP). In some cases, you can even get help through your partner or family member’s EAP.
“Students at colleges and universities can often access free
MYTH: Online therapy isn’t as effective as in-person.
While the pandemic pushed many healthcare services online, a 2023 study of 27,540 NHS patients with mood or anxiety disorders, published in Nature Mental Health, found that internet-delivered CBT was just as effective as in-person sessions – and took less time to complete.
“There’s no evidence to suggest that online therapy is less effective than in-person sessions,” says Abigail. “What’s most important is finding the best format for you, and
or low-cost counselling through their place of education,” says Abigail, “and some counsellors offer sliding scale fees and concessions for those in need. There are many ways to find support without breaking the bank.”
As an example, when searching for a therapist on the Counselling Directory website, you can filter results by budget to locate counsellors who offer concessionary rates. Also, remember that therapy doesn’t need to be a weekly commitment. Most therapists are happy to schedule fortnightly appointments, which might make it more affordable to you.
a therapist you feel comfortable opening up to.”
For people with busy schedules or limited budgets to spend on travel, talking online makes the therapeutic process more accessible. “Additionally, online therapy can open up more therapist options as you’re not bound by location, which is useful if you’re looking for specialist support,” Abigail says.
One of the biggest advantages of online counselling is the ability to log on from the comfort of your home. This can ease anxiety, and lead to more positive outcomes.
Ultimately, no one is going to be able to predict exactly what your experience will be in therapy. Whether you’re dealing with a crisis, navigating workplace issues, or simply want to understand yourself better, don’t let outdated perceptions hold you back from getting professional support, and leading the life you deserve.
Focus on the right here, right now, as you immerse yourself in some brain-teasing fun
Try this variation on a classic wordsearch. Instead of being in straight lines, words are spelled out in winding paths, with each letter following the one before, either horizontally or vertically – no diagonals here. Start with the bold letter and complete the whole grid!
Theme: hobbies and leisure activities
How did you do? Visit the ‘Freebies’ section on shop.happiful.com to find the answers, and more!
Unscramble the letters to reveal a hidden word or phrase. Hint: famous films
ATHENS HAMPTON WHISKERED
DATING POND
CHEF DUST OMINOU
AJAR CUSP RISK
EARTH FIZZ WOOD
GOLDENLY LABEL
Sharing libraries are on the rise. Discover what they have to offer and how you can find one near you
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
One thing that most of us will agree on is that there is a lot of ‘stuff’ in the world – way more than enough to go around. And with environmental and economic concerns on our minds, wouldn’t it make sense if we could share things between us a bit more?
This is the fundamental idea behind sharing libraries (also sometimes called ‘libraries of things’) – initiatives that are popping up around the country. We’re not talking about regular libraries here, where you can borrow books, magazines, newspapers, and more. Sharing libraries offer other useful items to local people, who are able to borrow and return them, free of charge or for a very low fee.
In Oxfordshire, the Oxford Maternity Clothes Library allows expectant mothers to try on and borrow maternity wear –removing one more expense from a time when the bills can add up. The Warwick Toy Library offers the same model but with toys – and locals can even browse toy catalogues online and reserve their picks. The Tool Library in Wolverhampton offers gardening equipment such as lawnmowers, spades, and rakes; domestic
power tools; and all kinds of other DIY equipment like screwdrivers, pliers, and chisels. The Share Shed in Devon has more than 350 useful items up for grabs. And nappy libraries can commonly be found all over the country, offering parents the opportunity to try out reusable cloth nappies without the cost burden of investing in their own sets first.
These are just a tiny handful of the examples of the kinds of schemes in action at the moment, and the same models are being seen popping up across the country. Sometimes run by local councils, other times by independent organisations, these libraries of things are making a huge difference.
Beyond being a handy way to get hold of free or low-cost stuff, sharing libraries have the potential to make a big difference on three fronts.
• Environmental benefits. These collections tend to focus on common things that we all need, but which we don’t use constantly – the sort of things that can clutter a home and are left unused the majority of time. This saves on the environmental
impact of producing the items, by reducing the demand for new things. What’s more, the items are stored locally, which brings down transportation emissions that would usually be involved in distribution and delivery.
• Greater access. At the core of sharing libraries is greater access. For families, financial barriers can mean that things like toys or comfortable clothing can be knocked down the priorities list. But these libraries create a sense of equality in the community, meaning that individuals don’t need to go without.
• A sense of community. It can be easy to feel isolated in this modern world, but sharing libraries are all about coming together to support one another, and to share resources between groups of people. They can also become opportunities for socialising, with volunteer roles available, and some places also hosting repair workshops for exchanging skills.
LIBRARIES
There are several ways to find out where your closest sharing library
is. The first is to head to the website of the national scheme, the UK Sharing Libraries Network (networkofwellbeing.org), which highlights 50 libraries across the UK. For those who live in London, Library of Things (libraryofthings. co.uk) runs in 19 locations across the capital.
But if your area isn’t listed by those sites, don’t give up hope. You can also search on your local council website to see if it is running a sharing scheme or equivalent, or you could head to your local books library and ask
if they are aware of a sharing library in the area.
Local Facebook groups are great spaces to find out what’s happening around you, so you can also put the feelers out in these online spaces to see if anyone can point you in the right direction. Some communities will set up smaller, informal versions of these libraries – for example, street WhatsApp groups where people ask if anyone on the road has the thing they’re looking to borrow, or local pass-it-on groups.
Remember, your local council serves you, and so if you love the idea of sharing libraries, you can reach out to your local councillor to see whether this is something that could be introduced in your area. For helpful information on making your case, head to: participate. libraryofthings.co.uk/ licensing-councils
And, if all else fails, the UK Sharing Libraries Network hosts online events for people to learn more about sharing libraries and how to set one up for themselves.
In a world where we’re encouraged to continue to collect more and more stuff, sharing libraries are taking a stand for the environment and for our personal finances. So, next time you find yourself in need of something handy, consider looking for a way to borrow it –it’ll be easy on the planet, easy on your pocket, and great for the community.
Giving and receiving little gifts has a big effect on our emotional bonds – as the natural world proves…
Writing | Kerry Law
Believe it or not, the gentoo penguins of Antarctica have inspired one of the latest trends on social media. During mating season, male penguins present female penguins with the smoothest pebble they can find. If she accepts it, the pebble becomes the start of a nest for the new pair and their future brood.
The human version of this penguin courtship – wooing a prospective partner with thoughtful little gifts – has been going on for centuries. But now, thanks to those gentoo penguins, this practice has a 21st-century label – ‘pebbling’ –and is expressed not only through objects, but also by sharing online content.
The hashtag #pebbling has more than 1.5 million views on TikTok, with people sharing their experiences of ‘pebbling’ friends, colleagues, and family members, as well as romantic partners. So why does ‘pebbling’ bring us together, and how can we do it well?
Ever felt more excited to give a gift than receive one? Gifts bring us closer to others because the
exchange makes both people involved feel good.
“Psychologically, our brains are wired for connection, and the sharing of gifts fulfils several emotional needs,” explains Holly Beedon, clinical lead at mental health charity Living Well UK. “It shows we think about those we care about even when they’re not around. It also shows appreciation and empathy for the receiver’s personality and preferences, which makes people feel closer and understood. And, importantly, it’s fun! When we share in something joyful it releases endorphins and dopamine as part of the brain’s pleasure and reward systems for both parties.”
FOR ‘PEBBLING’
Memes, videos, photos, GIFs…
We have a veritable emporium of ‘pebbles’ at our fingertips, 24/7, for free, making it easy to reach out with a simple, ‘I saw this and thought of you…’
“Sharing online content supports social connection just as much as any gift,” says Holly. “It’s often funny, which not only
boosts mood and reduces stress, but also strengthens connections via a shared sense of humour.”
Dr Ute Liersch, counselling psychologist at The Soke clinic, adds it can be particularly welcome if someone we care about is going through a tough time. “This seemingly insignificant gift can provide a moment of respite, reminding us that a less stressful world exists and that someone cares – it’s a tangible sign of support and affection,” says Dr Liersch. In fact, a Sheffield Hallam University study found that ‘pebbling’ by sharing internet memes even helps alleviate symptoms of anxiety and depression.
The term ‘pebbling’ has been floating around the neurodiverse community for some time (the #pebbling hashtag is often spotted alongside #ADHD or #autism across TikTok and Instagram).
While there is no ‘one-sizefits-all’ explanation for why this is the case, Holly says,
Simon Davies is a counsellor and walking therapist. Find out more at the Counselling Directory.
“Neurotypical social norms can feel distant or even stressful for anyone neurodivergent, for whom forming social bonds can sometimes be more challenging. [Sharing a video or meme can be] much clearer than verbal ways of affirming your connection with someone.”
She adds that online content’s short-form format “makes it accessible for everyone, but perhaps especially if your
attention naturally moves between different stimuli.”
Don’t go ‘pebbling’ everyone in the same way. Simon Davies, registered counsellor and walking therapist at Living Well UK, points out that what we give, plus the intention behind it, will be unique to each relationship.
“Sharing in-jokes may be great with a friend you know and trust, while memes related to a shared profession or industry can help foster a sense of community in the workplace,” he explains.
“And there will be platonic and flirtatious versions of ‘pebbling’. Videos about a shared interest could be a point of connection platonically, while more personal notes or surprise gifts are ways people may explore and deepen a relationship.”
Simon warns: “Online content is so easy to send, [potentially] resulting in overwhelming someone with content. If it becomes one-way, it can be a sign it’s becoming less of a shared experience.
“If the ‘pebbles’ are gifts that cost, it’s important to be aware of the additional pressure this can put on someone to reciprocate, even if this wasn’t your intention. Equally, what may be your love language might not be someone else’s, so it’s worth noticing if ‘pebbling’ has become a substitute for other forms of communication,” he says.
Dr Liersch believes ‘overpebbling’ strips this act of its emotional punch: “For example, you walk past some beautiful lavender and remember your partner’s joy at its scent. You take a picture and send it. However, if you send the same picture every day the act loses its meaning. Over time, the image becomes a symbol of convenience and superficial connection –remember, less is more.”
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They’re hugely popular viral videos where people eat large amounts of food in one go. But is there something sinister about consuming this type of content?
There’s often a lot of pleasure to be had in watching other people enjoy food. Just think of those cosy cooking shows that fill prime-time TV spots; they give us inspiration for dishes we might want to try, and it can be enjoyable to watch someone eating something delicious. The concept behind the viral ‘mukbang’ trend builds on this pleasure, taking it to a whole new level.
A ‘mukbang’ is a popular type of internet video, where people record themselves eating, often working their way through a large amount of food. The term comes from the Korean word ‘meokbang’, which combines the words for eating (‘meongneun’) and broadcast (‘bangsong’).
The trend originated in South Korea and, in a paper exploring the psychology of watching mukbangs – published in the International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction – it was proposed that they rose to
popularity due to widespread feelings of anxiety and loneliness across South Korea, with the videos providing some relief due to the way they replicate companionable eating.
Today, mukbangs have gone global, and not all of them follow the same format. Some focus more on the content creator talking or telling a story while eating, whereas others might be more about eating a lot of food, or eating against the clock. Some are pre-recorded, while others are streamed live while the creator interacts with commenters. Generally, though, an unusually large amount of food will be consumed.
“In our modern-day consumer society, ‘more is more’, and this appears to translate across all walks of life, even our eating patterns,” says Clare Patterson, an integrative transpersonal psychotherapist. “In moderation, videos such as these are not necessarily ‘bad’ for us. Sharing meals is an inherently human activity, and something that can feel connecting and meaningful to us. With an increasing number of people living alone, ‘dining with’ another (even if online) is perhaps an attempt for some people to replicate this feeling of social connection.
To those new to the concept of mukbangs, the trend might seem very unusual, but these types of videos rack up millions of views, with some creators even making a living from their production. So, what makes them so popular?
“There is something that feels very grounding about eating. It is a physical act, and so it is a time where we are in connection with our bodies,” she continues. “Perhaps the appeal for someone watching ‘mukbang’ videos is to experience this connection with their bodies via proxy, which is why the sounds and ‘reality’ of these videos is such a big part of them.” >>>
But if the idea of mukbang videos leaves a bitter taste in your mouth, it could be because this type of content isn’t totally straightforward. In its guide to mukbangs for parents, the organisation Internet Matters (which supports parents and professionals with child internet safety) explains that some of these videos may have a sexualised tone that is inappropriate for children, and which may be indistinguishable from other types of mukbang videos from the title and thumbnail alone. It also points to the closely related ‘sulbang’ videos that can be recommended to viewers – in these videos, creators follow the same format but with alcohol rather than food.
But for children and adults alike, mukbangs do come with the possibility of encouraging an unhealthy relationship with food. For a start, mukbangs are often made up of fast food or takeaways and, as mentioned, one of the key ingredients for the videos is the volume consumed.
“Many of these videos are incredibly unhealthy,” says Clare. “It is very bad for our bodies to consume such vast amounts of food in one sitting, and there is a danger that in watching content like this it ‘desensitises’ us to the dangers of binge-eating – just as watching too much bad news can leave us feeling disconnected and sometimes depressed.
“It is not pleasant or healthy to stuff our bodies like this, and so when such behaviour is glamourised, it might make it
easier for us to neglect to care for ourselves and our bodies.”
But it’s not just the viewers who may be affected. The larger the quantity of food that is eaten, the more views a video tends to get. And so mukbang creators may find themselves falling victim to a pressure to eat more and more, to the point of extreme discomfort, in order to keep on appealing to viewers.
it might indicate an unhealthy relationship,” she explains. “If you are noticing changes to your eating habits – like eating too much or too little, or engaging in binge-like behaviour and feeling out of control in your relationship with food – it could be worth seeking professional help.”
As is so often the case with internet content, you can stumble across the good, the
In our modern-day
society, ‘more is more’
Despite the darker side of this trend, it is still possible to enjoy responsibly-made mukbang videos in a healthy, reasonable way. It may be that you stick to watching videos with a strong social element, reaping some of the benefits that Clare mentioned earlier around company and connection. You may also find food inspiration in videos of people trying a new type of cuisine, or it may just be the kind of light entertainment that you look forward to switching off with at the end of the day.
With that in mind, Clare highlights some of the warning signs that your relationship with mukbangs has moved into a more concerning territory:
“Any addictive behaviour is usually a warning sign. If there is an ‘obsession’ or ‘need’ to engage with content like this at the expense of activities that might support your wellbeing,
bad, and the ugly all under one search term. As adults, we may be able to distinguish quite quickly whether something doesn’t feel right, or if the content could be harmful to us or the maker in some way. But if you’re concerned about a child or teenager’s relationship with internet trends, visit internetmatters.org for advice and information. Sharing a love of food is one of life’s joys, so if that relationship turns sour, it’s time to take action.
Clare Patterson is an integrative transpersonal psychotherapist and Reiki practitioner. Reach out via the Counselling Directory.
If you’ve ever had the feeling that you need to just drop everything and bolt, there can actually be a logical explanation for this – along with value to be learned from listening to these urges
Writing | Katie Scott
There are moments when I have to physically stop myself from grabbing the car keys and driving off towards the horizon. Months after one such moment, when I’d force myself to sit down instead of heading for the door, a quote appeared on Instagram in a sage green, swirly font: “My heart swings back and forth between the need for routine and the urge to run.”
I am not at all ‘unhappy’. I have a beautiful and comfortable life, and I am loved and needed. Sometimes, though, I just feel totally overwhelmed by the volume of demands on me. Sometimes, I feel totally frustrated by the repetition of family life. Sometimes, I just want to be somewhere else and, even, be someone else.
Arriving at the point where escape feels like the only option happens for reasons as diverse as we are. Chartered clinical psychologist Dr Gurpreet Kaur explains: “There will be a range of factors, which could lead to this point for individuals, including mental health disorders, substance use, isolation, current triggers, stressful life events, complex life circumstances and history, loss and grief, and stigma to seeking help or support.” It is, she adds, a “complex and multifaceted” feeling. It can come as an instant reaction to a moment of high stress or conflict, but it can also build over time. It marks a point when we can’t see a solution to whatever we are facing. “The overwhelming
darkness, loneliness, and perceived consequences of the stressful situation, can feel suffocating, leading a person to feel they are helpless to change it. Hopelessness can set in, confirming the brain’s overwhelming message that there is no clear or easy way out,” says Dr Kaur.
Sometimes, I just want to be somewhere else and, even, be someone else
The result is “a tunnel vision view of the situation” narrowed by rumination, negative thoughts, shame, guilt, fear, and even anger. At the end of that tunnel is our escape, and we want to bolt towards it to get away from a threat that our mind believes cannot be reduced or avoided.
As with a physical threat, our body reacts by activating its ‘fight-or-flight’ response. Hyper-focus, or tunnel vision, is symptomatic of this. Cortisol and adrenaline levels spike, resulting in an increased heart rate, dilated airways, and redirected blood flow to muscles. We get ready to run. We are also less able to think about the problem.
“Cognitive distortions caused by the stress response can severely impact our ability to view the situation in a neutral or objective way, and therefore one’s ability to act in a way that will help us,” says Dr Kaur.
Holistic fertility specialist, Sonali Saujani, lay in bed every night for years imagining a totally different life. She dreamt of running, but had to restrain herself. Her marriage had broken down after a long period of unhappiness, but she had to stay because of her mum, who lived nearby.
“I had a crystal clear image of exactly what I wanted,” Sonali says. “Many times I imagined starting my life again. I knew it needed to be done, but until mum passed away, I wasn’t sure how to do it all without leaving her side.”
Fantasy is a powerful tool, as millennia of authors have exemplified, but every morning, Sonali still awoke to the unhappy reality of her situation. These moments of zooming out, Dr Kaur explains, help us tolerate adversity, but could also “cause a disconnect from real life” – and the people and resources who might support us.
When Sonali’s mum suddenly passed away, she continued to dream of escaping, but she also actively planned her journey. “Each step was measured and quite thought out. I didn’t know how long the pandemic lockdown was going to last, so I was able to fully take my business online. And I knew that even if I didn’t settle, I could just move on to the next place. Eleven months later, I was gone,” she states. Sonali has now manifested the life that she dreamt of for years.
Dr Kaur recognises that there are many situations when running away as quickly as possible is essential for survival – such as when we are facing danger.
“Recognising that there is something wrong becomes easier when we can pause and breathe, and become as present and grounded in the moment as possible. It is important to acknowledge thoughts and feelings without being attached to them,” she explains. This means understanding that a thought is a thought, rather than an absolute truth, she adds.
To allow this, we might need to run away, albeit momentarily. After one particularly fractious day of home-schooling during the pandemic, I escaped the house. I ran down the driveway, then walked for hours. It was as the fringes of the sky turned rose that I could feel my breathing regulate, and my heart beat slowly. I called my sister to hear another voice and not feel alone. She understood. Voicing my feelings also helped me separate what was helpful and I could work upon –unmet needs or frustrations – and what was borne purely out of negativity, exhaustion, and feeling helpless. I walked home to a hug. That was a very specific moment in time. However, I have had plenty of moments since when I have daydreamed about being somewhere else, or had that urge to run. Those moments of stress, notes Dr Kaur, say a lot about our lives, indicating where we need to do some soul-searching or put boundaries in. This is an uncomfortable process in itself, but she states simply: “It might be a temporary discomfort with long-term gain.” After all, the one thing you can’t run away from is yourself.
Putting men’s mental health firmly on the agenda, expert columnist Steve Maher explores why so many men are struggling, how this presents in the world, and, importantly, the steps men can take to better support themselves
Everyone knows the first rule of ‘Fight Club’: you don’t talk about Fight Club. And while this pop culture reference may stem from a fictional book by Chuck Palahniuk, the sentiment matches a real life ‘rule’ men know all too well. If you’re struggling, don’t talk about it.
Boys and men learn this early on in life. Be it the lessons dealt down from an overbearing father telling his son, ‘Big boys don’t cry,’ or from the school yard taunts to ‘man up’. This conditioning can stay with men throughout their lives. The idea that men should be strong; you are expected to win at sports, build a successful career, and earn enough for the big house, the fast car. You’re expected to be kind, funny, and a great dad. Just don’t, whatever you do, get all emotional while you are doing it.
There’s just one problem: men experience the full range of emotions as much as anyone else. Life is challenging, and without the skills to manage and cope, can lead to anxiety and depression.
Avoiding talking about issues only makes things more difficult, and can result in what is sometimes referred to as ‘the big build’. This is where pressures build up over a long period, often culminating in middle age when the need for this pressure to release can manifest in various ways – from anxiety to depression, angry outbursts, substance abuse, porn addiction, and worse.
As a professional coach, I’ve been fortunate to work with hundreds of men over the years. However, I have become increasingly concerned about men and their place in the world. It seems to me that men are retreating from life; I call this ‘The Great Male Withdrawal’. It’s happening quickly, and silently, with potentially serious consequences.
While there are, of course, a multitude of complex factors behind the following figures, I’ve noted some stark changes to patterns in male behaviour on several key fronts...
Steve Maher is a consultant, professional coach, psychotherapist, and writer. Connect with him via the Life Coach Directory.
• Education. Did you know in 1972 men were 13% more likely than women to go to university? In 2023, men were 15% less likely to go to university than women, according to the American Institute for Boys and Men.
• Employment. In the US, 7 million men of prime working age are currently without employment, and are not seeking jobs, according to the US Bureau of Labor Statistics.
• Dating. New data from the Pew Research Center has shown that 63% of men under 30 are single – up from 51% in 2019.
• Parenting. The percentage of fatherless children has grown from 8% in 1960 to 24% in 2014, as stated in a 2016 paper published in the National Academies Press (US).
• Socially. A 2019 YouGov poll reported that one in five men has no close friends – twice as many as women.
These figures highlight how society has changed over the years, and while not all of these factors will affect every man’s mental wellbeing negatively (e.g. being single), it helps to paint the picture of the changing landscape for modern men.
Arguably, the most alarming statistic is on male suicide. The UK Office for National Statistics says three quarters of deaths recorded as suicides in 2022 were male.
Samaritans also reports that men are three times more likely than women to take their own life, with the male suicide rate being 17.1 per 100,000 compared to 5.6 per 100,000 for women – increasing to 25.3 per 100,000 for men aged 45–49.
As to possible reasons for this, women are more likely to confide in friends. For men, friends often play a different role. Women meet to talk; men meet to do. While there is growing awareness around men’s need to talk, the stigma around being vulnerable remains. Everyone, regardless of gender, has basic needs. When I work with men, I concentrate on helping
them understand those needs better, along with how to achieve them. Here are my top five tips:
Humans are highly social beings. We need to feel connected and have a sense of belonging. This can be met by joining social groups, whether a sports club, church, or political organisation.
When we’re struggling mentally, we often neglect ourselves physically. Staying active, regardless of the activity, has a positive impact on our wellbeing.
We all have a deeply wired need to feel competent at the things we set out to achieve. Constantly learning and growing, through developing new skills, is healthy for your mind.
When we are feeling low, doing things to help others can bring us out of our own heads, as well as helping us to feel useful.
When we’re struggling, our minds tend to be either lost in the past or worrying about the future. Returning our focus to the present moment is the antidote.
To help get back on track, talking to another man who understands the issues you’re facing can help. If you’re not ready, or able, to open up to friends yet, speaking to a professional can be life-changing, offering a non-judgemental space to develop coping skills and strategies.
It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting
One in 100 children in the UK has an autism diagnosis, and while society’s general understanding of neurodivergence has improved, the support some receive during and post-diagnosis hasn’t. Jenna Farmer, whose son is autistic, shares how to navigate the diagnosis journey and beyond
For many parents, there’s a time when they instinctively know their child is autistic. It’s not about a checklist or criteria, more of a gut feeling. This realisation may happen early in their child’s life – often between 12 and 24 months – but for others, it can be something that pieces together more slowly as their child develops. However you begin your child’s autism diagnosis journey, the reality is it’s often not a straightforward one. So, as someone who has been there, let’s talk about how you can navigate it.
Even if you’re certain that your child is on the autism spectrum, taking those steps to get an official diagnosis (and opening yourself
up to paperwork, appointments, and assessments) can be really nerve-racking. When you’ve finally plucked up the courage to begin, it can be disheartening to realise that a waitlist halts you in your tracks.
In fact, recent research in Lancashire and South Cumbria suggests that wait times can be up to two years in certain areas of the UK due to the number of people waiting, with the latest NHS data suggesting that this has increased by 47% in just one year.
After waiting more than two years myself, I understand how frustrating this can be, but it’s important to realise your journey doesn’t have to start after the assessment. You can focus on supporting your child, rather than worrying about the diagnosis, while you wait.
“It is common for parents not to want to label the child until a professional assessment has taken place,” says parenting expert Lauren O’Carroll, of Positively Parenting, who specialises in supporting neurodivergent families. “There is no wrong or right here, but the critical thing is that you don’t need a label to receive support.
“Regardless of diagnosis, I always encourage families to look for the underlying need behind any challenging behaviour. You don’t need a diagnosis to identify that a child typically has meltdowns in school when the classroom becomes noisier, or when the sun gets in their eyes.”
For a while, I too felt as if I couldn’t say my child was autistic without official confirmation, but >>>
eventually I realised time could not stand still, and I needed to focus on what my child needed in the moment, rather than waiting for the paperwork to prove what I already knew.
A big misconception is that you can’t access support without a diagnosis, but this isn’t true. For example, you can apply for Disability Living Allowance (or DLA), to get funding for the extra things you need to put in place on this journey. In our case, this was for speech therapy, visual aids, and sensory toys, but this can be used for whatever extra help and care your child needs.
While waiting, one of the most helpful things I did was learn from other parents who had been on the journey, so I could understand more about autism and prepare for the assessment process. There are so many great books out there, but my favourite was Autism: How to Raise a Happy Autistic Child by Jessie Hewitson.
When you’ve finally made your way to the top of the list, you should feel elated – but I also felt equally nervous. The diagnostic process will usually involve multiple appointments with an assessor, who may come to your home or conduct the assessment in the hospital. In my case, we had two home visits and one Zoom call (which was a relief as I didn’t
WHERE TO GO
Feeling stuck, these are great places to start!
• National Autistic Society: autism.org.uk
• Ambitious About Autism: ambitiousaboutautism.org.uk
• Find local events for those with autism: autismcentral.org.uk/events
need to worry about taking my child to an unfamiliar setting), but feel free to ask about your own circumstances to try to get as much information as you can about the process and what to expect.
It’s important not to focus on the ‘right’ way to feel heading into the assessment. It’s ironic that I was both nervous about my son getting a diagnosis, and equally worried that on that day he wouldn’t show his usual autistic traits, and result in not getting one.
According to parenting expert Lauren O’Carroll, this worry is common. “Parents have usually come around to the potential of their child being autistic. At the point of assessment, the likely prevailing worry is, ‘If my child is not diagnosed, then what do we do?’ Take it one day at a time, and remember assessors will have the experience to guide things. Simply try to focus on making your child as supported and comfortable as possible.”
It’s common to think things will drastically change after you receive a diagnosis, but it often stays the same. After all, your child and their needs haven’t changed, the process is all about how you (and others) can understand and support them better.
My biggest piece of advice is not to question how you feel when you
hear the words ‘they’re autistic’. For some, the reaction may be pure relief, while for others, there may be feelings of worry, uncertainty, and even guilt (e.g. for not noticing it sooner). Sit with it – all responses are valid, and you’re not a bad parent for having mixed emotions.
The support networks you’re offered after diagnosis can also vary. While I know many parents who received very little in the way of post-diagnosis support, I myself was given follow-up calls and invitations to parent and expert meetings. However, either way, know that there is help out there, you may just need to go looking for it.
“Organisations like the National Autistic Society and Ambitious about Autism have fantastic online resources,” says Lauren. “Community can also be extremely valuable, and I would encourage parents to find other parents of children with autism to connect with, as parenting a child with additional needs can feel pretty lonely at times. Similarly, it can help the child to find other people who experience the world the same way they do to validate their experiences.”
This doesn’t have to be inperson meetings as social media can be a great support network, and I personally found TikTok really useful in the beginning as a way to connect with other parents who were in the same boat.
It’s ironic that I was both nervous about my son getting a diagnosis, and equally worried that on that day he wouldn’t show his usual autistic traits, and result in not getting one
Each child with autism is different, and there’s no one way to navigate the journey of getting a diagnosis. Just know that, while at times, it might feel a little scary and isolating, there are many people going through the same thing, and that you’re not alone. And above all, you’re working through this as best you can to support your child, so whether you feel frustrated by the wait or unsure what to expect, know that you’re doing this for them – it will be worth it in the end.
Jenna Farmer is a freelance journalist who talks about life as a mum with a speech-delayed child on her blog mumernity.co.uk and Instagram @mumernity
From
an insightful
book about our
imaginative
health to a touching story of friendship between a gardener and a robin, we’ve hand-picked four brilliant reading suggestions for you
Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird
Could the answer to living more intentionally and peacefully be found in accepting our mind’s fears?
Leading psychotherapist Anna Mathur believes that many of the challenges we experience can be put down to avoiding life’s uncomfortable truths, and she
Speedy Weeknight Meals by Jon
Watts
Many people find peace in cooking, and it can be a great method for switching off after work, and letting the stresses of the day slip away. But for those of us who can find time is tight in the evening, but still want to enjoy the benefits of a home-cooked meal, chef Jon Watts shows us how to make tasty, healthy recipes in just 30 minutes or less.
wants to help us approach them head-on so that they hold less influence over us.
In her latest book, she pinpoints 10 uncomfortable truths that many of us share, from ‘I am going to fail’ to ‘some people don’t like me’, using client anecdotes and stories. She gently addresses
The Imagination Muscle by Albert Read
We know how important it is to exercise our muscles, but there’s one that we often find ourselves neglecting: our imagination. In this fascinating book, author Albert Read reveals why it’s so important to upkeep in the presence of this digital era, how imagination has evolved, and how we can harness it in our day-to-day lives.
The Uncomfortable Truth: Change Your Life By Taming 10 of Your Mind’s Greatest Fears by Anna Mathur
the cost to our mental health when we avoid them, what we can gain by embracing them, and how to live with knowing the uncomfortable truth.
Bob the Robin: A Love Letter to Britain’s Favourite Bird by Tony Putman Magic happened when a chance encounter in a Kent garden led to a surprising friendship between a fearless robin and gardener and wildlife photographer, Tony Putman. In this beautiful testament to the species, Tony recounts their touching story and teaches us about the fascinating life of this beloved feathered friend.
It’s a perplexing predicament: the more accomplished you become at juggling responsibilities, the more that seem to accumulate on your plate. Here, we’re putting a spotlight on the mounting pressures of ‘multi-thinking’, and how we can step away from the cycle
Writing | Lydia Smith
You’re making a mental list of what you need to get done at work, while thinking about what’s in the fridge for dinner. You remember the wet washing is still in the machine, and you’ve got to pay the nursery fees before you inevitably forget. You’ll have to swing by the shops on your way home to pick up a new bulb to replace the porch light that’s out as well, and don’t forget it’s your friend’s birthday tomorrow, so make sure you message them in the morning.
On their own, these might sound like small tasks, but they can quickly accumulate into an overwhelming list. And studies, including a 2023 review paper published in the journal Sex Roles, show that women –especially those in heterosexual relationships – perform the larger proportion of mental labour in relationships, especially when it comes to childcare and parenting decisions.
Even in couples that aim to split their responsibilities equally, the invisible labour involved in managing a household and family – beyond the practical chores like cooking and cleaning – typically falls on women’s shoulders. It’s not just about the doing, but also the remembering, anticipating, planning, and overseeing that means life can carry on smoothly. And to cope with this cognitive load, many women find themselves ‘multi-thinking’ –contemplating lots of different things at the same time –which leaves them stressed, overwhelmed, and at risk of burnout.
Juggling everything from work to hobbies, childcare, and household responsibilities, creates a constant need for multi-thinking and multitasking for women, says therapist Jenny Warwick. But, she adds, this gender disparity is rooted
in societal expectations and historical gender roles.
“Women are often painted as being good at multitasking, as if this is an achievement or that it is simply a natural part of being a woman,” Jenny says. “Stereotypes about women’s innate ability to plan, organise, and multitask result from socialisation.
Girls grow up observing and internalising these expectations, and these stereotypes contribute to the perception that women are naturally better at multitasking.”
However, research, such as a study in PLOS ONE, shows this simply isn’t true. Women aren’t natural multitaskers – they’re just required to do it more, and so get better at it. In reality, multitasking is almost always a misnomer, as our brains lack the architecture to perform multiple tasks successfully at the same time, as noted in a 2019 paper in Cerebrum, so really we’re just overloading ourselves by jumping between tasks constantly. >>>
Women aren’t natural multitaskers –they’re just required to do it more, and so get better at it
Entrenched beliefs about women’s roles also contribute to multi-thinking. Despite most families having dual incomes, the home is still seen as the woman’s domain, so the running of the household typically falls on them in heterosexual relationships. And, significantly, studies, including 2021 research in Community, Work & Family, show that women internalise the expectations they encounter due to their gender, which results in them doing more than their share of unpaid labour at home. Additionally, motherhood ideals – including the concept of the perfect mother who thinks of everything – mean that women take on childcare tasks that could be easily shared.
There are structural factors at play, too. It’s often mothers who take on flexible work or reduce their working hours so they can fit work around childcare, rather than fathers. Although all UK workers have the right to request
flexible working arrangements, a 2021 study published in Work, Employment and Society notes that almost one-third of fathers believe that flexible working arrangements are unavailable to them. This means women are
more available for childcare and household work, and inevitably end up thinking about it more. Consequently, Jenny says, women end up with a heavy mental load. “Women and girls are socialised to fulfil multiple roles simultaneously – the wife, the mother, and the CEO,” she explains.
The problem with multithinking is that it can easily spill into cognitive overload. According to 2021 research, published in Community, Work & Family, the mental work involved in scheduling, planning, and organising a household becomes a mental load when there’s an emotional element attached, like worry or stress. So if the task is to remember a child’s non-uniform day, and forgetting means they’ll be upset or ridiculed at school, it invariably contains an element of anxiety.
This heavy mental load can easily lead to overwhelm, affecting women’s mental health, relationships, and careers.
“Trying to keep so many plates in the air at once leads to stress and mental exhaustion,” says Jenny.
“Something has to give – and, unfortunately, this is likely our mental wellbeing due to being constantly overloaded. It is the perfect ingredient for burnout.”
How to stop multi-thinking leading you down a path to burnout
The systemic issues underpinning multi-thinking make it a difficult problem to solve. On a societal level, we need to dismantle long-standing beliefs about gender roles that are preventing equality, and widening the gender pay gap. Instead of expecting mothers to juggle work and childcare, normalising stay-at-home fathers and flexible work for men would help to remove stereotypes about ‘breadwinners’, and who should be at home.
For individuals, quantifying and communicating how much time we spend organising household tasks and childcare – and how this is shared with your partner –will help lay the groundwork for change. If we’re outspoken about how much effort is involved, it’s more difficult for others to ignore.
“Communicate openly with partners and family about the distribution of responsibilities to avoid feeling overwhelmed,” says Jenny.
Claire Elmes, a therapist and stress coach, says it’s also important to notice when your
Jenny Warwick is a counsellor specialising in relationships and family issues.
Claire Elmes is a wellbeing consultant and therapist.
Discover more by heading to the Counselling Directory.
mind is racing. “Log what these thoughts are, and any positive and negative self-talk that accompanies them,” she says, as the unrealistic expectations faced by women mean they’re set up to feel like they’ve failed.
And when things feel overwhelming, find a way to ground yourself. “Whether it is yoga, mindfulness, or breathwork, find a way to quieten the mind and body,” says Claire. “It switches us from our sympathetic nervous system – the fight-and-flight mode triggered by stress – to our parasympathetic nervous system, which allows us to rest and recover.”
Finally, another way to stop multi-thinking is to simply do less. Set clear boundaries, learn to delegate, and say no when your to-do list is too long. It may feel uncomfortable, as we tend to internalise the expectation to do everything, but it’s an important way to enact change. As Claire emphasises: “We need to understand that we cannot do everything, and that’s OK.”
If your romantic spark has been dampened by dating apps requiring your endless attention, it could be time to break up with swiping right. Michelle Elman delves into the power of a dating detox, and rediscovering the fun in first dates when you’re ready to return
Anytime I hear anyone moan and groan about dating apps, I always wonder why they are still on them. Don’t get me wrong, I completely empathise that the modern dating game is a challenge, and a lot of effort, even at the best of times. But if you are hating being on dating apps, then get off them! The worst thing you can do is go on a date full of dread – that’s a guaranteed way to have a rubbish time.
Often we keep swiping and trying to find a connection, regardless of how the process makes us feel, because we are told that as single people, we need to be actively working towards changing that, otherwise being single is our fault. But being single is not a problem to be fixed. You are allowed to be single, and just want to be single. Single is not a waiting room for being in a relationship, and if you want to
take a break from dating, you are allowed to do so.
I personally haven’t been on a date in three months. I really enjoyed dating earlier in the year, but when my life got busy with work, and some of the emotions from my breakup earlier in the year began to surface, I hit pause on my dating profiles. I listened to my body when a guy asked me out and all I wanted to do was say no, and I actually said no. It’s important we listen to ourselves when our body is telling us to take a break from dating. Sometimes this can come out of dating too much, and sometimes it can come because you feel deflated and rejected after one too many dates going wrong.
Whatever the reason, it doesn’t really matter why, it matters that you stop forcing yourself to date when you don’t want to.
I have a controversial view that you don’t have to look forward
to first dates. In my book, The Selfish Romantic, I write: “In terms of first dates, your level of enthusiasm for meeting a stranger is allowed to fluctuate. There were many times before a first date that I would drag my heels to get on the Tube –but once I was there, I would have a great time. If you are out of practice, it’s normal to feel jitteriness before a date.” But there is a difference between not particularly looking forward to an evening of small talk, and feeling complete and utter dread. The latter is when you are at the stage of rust-out, and that’s when it’s time to go on a dating detox. All that happens when you force yourself to go on a date when you don’t truly want to, is you reinforce the narrative already in your head that dating is awful. Going on a date with miserable energy will confirm what you already believe, whereas taking a
break means you can let yourself have time to actually feel that desire to date again.
When you take a break from dating, you don’t need to have decided how long you are going to pause for, you can just listen to your instincts. Taking dating off your to-do list can actually be really liberating, to give yourself full permission to enjoy being single at its full capacity, and put all your time and energy into yourself instead.
My longest dating detox was when I was 21 years old. I didn’t go on a date in three years, and
it was a very conscious decision after noticing that I had a bad habit of dating men who did not treat me very well. I took a break, and the break continued for that long, because I also noticed that every time I decided to date one of these guys, I saw a backslide in my personal development. I didn’t know it would take me three years to feel ready to date again, but there is not a single moment I have regretted that period in my life. We often think dating is the only way we can improve our love life, but I really credit that single period for being the reason my
relationships improved. I took the time to understand myself better, and invest in my future by focusing on my career. I got comfortable with being alone, and I even started to enjoy my own company – and all of these things benefit your future relationships. When you are ready to return to dating, one way to reduce dating apathy is to stop seeing the end goal of dating as attaining a relationship. This creates the mentality of failure, even if you have had a successful date. Instead, focus more on trying to enjoy the person sitting in front of you. If you’ve had a good evening, or if you have learned more about yourself, consider that a win –even if they don’t want a second date! When we go to a house party, we don’t decide whether we enjoy it depending on how many new friends we have made, or the number of contacts we have been able to secure throughout the party. All I’m asking is that you view dating the same way! People are interesting, and even if that person is not your future partner, if you set the bar at interesting conversation, it’s a lot easier to leave the date optimistic than full of expectations.
Michelle Elman is a dating and boundaries media expert. Listen to her podcast, ‘In All Honesty’, available on all major streaming platforms.
From addressing your relationship with stigma, to actionable lifestyle changes, it’s time to take back control
Writing | Lydia Smith
When I first started using an app to track my periods, it gave me a sense of control. I understood my cycles better, and could work out when I might be susceptible to mood swings.
But, after a few months, I received an ‘analysis’ of my periods. Having been diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) in 2021 at age 31, I was well aware that they were irregular –but seeing perimenopause offered as an alternative explanation terrified me. Every time I logged a late period, I fretted.
Time will tell if I experience early menopause – other relatives have experienced early menopause, so it isn’t outside of the realms of possibility – and I take note of potential symptoms. But after speaking to friends, I realised that anxiety about perimenopause (the transitional phase during which your hormone levels start to change, before your periods stop and you reach menopause) is common. In a survey of 947 people, published in the journal Women’s Health, a third said they dreaded going through it. So, what can we do to attempt to manage that dread and anxiety?
Perimenopause used to be a taboo subject only spoken about in euphemisms but, thankfully, it’s now talked about more openly. However, negative sociocultural attitudes towards menopause still influence how we feel about it.
“Much like menstruation, perimenopause is commonly associated with emotional, mental, and physical discomfort,” says Kate Merrick, psychotherapist and spokesperson for the UK Council for Psychotherapy. “It’s also linked with ageing, and in a society that values youth and fertility in women, this creates layers of unconscious anxiety.”
The reproductive and hormonal changes during perimenopause can also lead us to question our identity. Our sense of self is shaped by how we see ourselves, and if hormonal fluctuations affect our mood – for example, if we are more irritable than usual –it can be unsettling.
However, soul worker and womb medicine woman, Melanie Swan, adds that we tend to hear about the ‘bad’ bits, but this
isn’t the whole story. “There is a body of knowledge emerging, initiated by women who have gone through perimenopause and healed themselves of the associated symptoms, and utilised the time to make quantum leaps in their personal growth and development,” she says.
Assess where the anxiety is coming from The anxiety you might be experiencing could be linked to some of the ideas above, but there could be another element involved. Several studies, including one published in Psychoneuroendocrinology, have found that fluctuating oestrogen levels during perimenopause can raise the risk of anxiety and depression. Your GP may be able to offer support, and you could be prescribed hormone replacement therapy, anti-anxiety medication, or supplements to help you manage these symptoms.
Try diet and lifestyle changes
“We need to prioritise ourselves, listen to our needs and desires, set strong boundaries, and allow more time for rest and play,” says Kate. And prioritising self-care,
If you think you are experiencing perimenopause, speak to your GP. It often starts between the ages of 40 and 45, but it can begin earlier. The signs can include: changes to your menstrual cycle; night sweats; headaches; vaginal dryness; weight gain; aches and pains; insomnia; mood and memory problems; and a loss of interest in sex. Blood tests may be carried out to help diagnose it if you’re under 40 and have symptoms.
as well as an active and varied lifestyle, during this time can make a real difference.
Additionally, paying attention to your diet is important. A study published in the journal Nutrients highlights the importance of eating whole and unprocessed foods during perimenopause. Rather than following a restrictive diet, use this as a prompt to try new healthy recipes and flavours, and get experimental in the kitchen. Some studies suggest that taking magnesium might help with anxiety, but the evidence for the efficacy of such supplements is mixed. However, because it is relatively inexpensive, it is commonly recommended.
Much of the discourse around perimenopause is about ‘riding out’ the symptoms, which can lead you to feel powerless. But with the right support, perimenopause doesn’t have to be scary. Speaking to others who are experiencing it can help, as can talking to friends and family. There are lots of support groups online, such as at menopausesupport.co.uk, on forum sites such as Reddit, and in private Facebook groups.
“If the focus is on all of the changes that are associated with perimenopause like brain fog, then understandably women are going to feel anxious,” says Melanie. “But if the conversation includes what we can do, there’s going to be less anxiety about experiencing it.”
We’re putting the rumours to bed as we explore the truth behind the rising trend of sleeping separately from your partner, and ask whether this night-time absence could really make the heart grow fonder?
Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
Sleep: we all need it, yet the quantity and quality we manage to fit into our schedules can vary greatly. According to the Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, more than one-third of adults sleep less than the recommended seven hours each night, while the Sleep Foundation suggests that nearly half of working adults regularly feel tired during the day. And the reasons for struggling to get enough quality rest can differ from person to person. Estimates suggest as many as 50 to 70 million people have ongoing sleep disorders, such as insomnia, sleep apnea, and narcolepsy, with 39–47% of perimenopausal women reportedly experiencing them, and 35–60% of post-menopausal women, according to data from the National Institutes of Health. Additionally, those with chronic illnesses or disabilities may find their energy levels, and need for rest, can change drastically from day to day.
When it comes to addressing this issue, we’ve all heard the basics on how to get a better night’s sleep – from drinking less caffeine to avoiding blue light before bed, and creating a relaxing nightly routine. But what if there was a bigger change we haven’t considered, that could improve both our quality of sleep and even our romantic relationships? According to some experts, sleeping solo could be the answer.
A new term used to describe couples that choose to sleep in separate beds rather than together, sleep divorce is more common than you might think. According to The Better Sleep Council, more than three in five (63%) couples spend most of the night sleeping separately, with one in four (26%) reporting that they sleep better alone. Of those that do share a bed, one in five (20%) end up “cling[ing] to their respective corners”.
With so many of us choosing to sleep alone instead of with our partners, why aren’t we talking about it more – and what’s stopping us from snuggling up together?
Why do some people sleep separately?
The Better Sleep Council suggests that women in particular may be more sensitive to their partner’s sleeping habits. It reports that 44% of women are kept up by their partner’s tossing and turning, 42% by their snoring, and a whopping 60% by their sleep environment. With an overwhelming 85% of us having problems sleeping at night, it’s no wonder many of us are willing to try anything to get a better night’s rest. While people choose to sleep separately for a wide variety of reasons, some of the more common ones include:
• Different sleep patterns or schedules
• Incompatible sleep habits (loud snoring, contrasting temperature preferences, different needs for background noise, frequent bathroom trips, late-night scrolling)
• Sleep conditions (insomnia, restless leg syndrome)
• Personal preferences
• Wanting space or time to themselves
While the term ‘sleep divorce’ sounds serious, and even scary,
63% couples spend most of the night sleeping separately
many feel that having the space to sleep apart can help strengthen their relationship, by making the time that they do spend together that much more meaningful.
What are the benefits of sleeping separately?
Sleep plays a vital role in our overall mental health and wellbeing, including our ability to handle stress, with good quality sleep even having a positive impact on mental health
conditions such as depression and anxiety. The better we sleep, the better we can communicate with others, look after ourselves, and handle the expected (and unexpected) day-to-day stressors in our lives. The less we sleep, the more likely we are to be grumpy or easily agitated, to make poor decisions, and even to struggle to empathise with others.
Sleeping alone gives you the chance to optimise your sleep schedule and surroundings. You can make changes to your bedroom to fit your needs –whether that means sleeping with the window open in the middle of the winter, or wrapping up warm with a thick winter duvet during the summer months. You might want ambient background noise as you drift off, or a sunrise alarm clock to wake you up. Essentially, you’re in charge.
Are there any downsides to sleeping apart?
While choosing the sleep divorce route can be beneficial for many individuals and couples, it can also have its drawbacks. For some people, this can include:
• Making them feel more lonely
• Increasing feelings of insecurity
• Fostering a sense of resentment
• Reducing their sense of intimacy
For some, physically sleeping apart can create an underlying sense of disconnect, or may negatively impact your sex life, therefore it’s important to ensure you are still prioritising physical and emotional intimacy outside >>>
Is it OK for married couples to sleep apart?
Yes! While every couple is different, sleeping separately isn’t always a sign something is wrong. For many, sleeping solo can help them to feel more rested, reduce bedtime-related arguments, avoid disturbed sleep cycles, and even create a pocket of alone time to enjoy before falling asleep. What’s important is to still create opportunities for quality oneon-one time together, foster your sense of connection, and ensure you are both happy with your sleeping arrangements.
of the bedroom. Make time for cuddling and touching (whether sexual or not), as well as time to open up with each other and talk about your day.
Communication really is key; it’s vital to ensure each partner is able to express their needs, and feels heard, to ensure there are no misunderstandings about why you’re exploring this new sleep scenario, and how you both feel about it. Regularly checking in to make sure you are still both on board with the situation can also help avoid accidental communication breakdowns.
Depending on your living situation, having the space to sleep apart can be tricky. Not everyone has a spare room – or a good spare bed. If you aren’t able to sleep in separate rooms, but feel like your current sleeping arrangements aren’t working, having an open, honest conversation together can still help. See if there are any areas
in which you can compromise, or changes to help you both get a better night’s sleep while sharing the same space.
Anything you try out doesn’t have to be permanent
Is sleep divorce right for me?
Having the conversation can be scary. How do you even broach the subject? If either you or your partner have been complaining about a lack of sleep, feeling exhausted, or have started to seem more irritable due to poor quality sleep, it could be a sign that it’s time to have a chat.
Talk about all things sleeprelated – not just sleeping separately! Maybe one of you needs total silence to fall asleep, while the other needs background noise to drift off – it’s hard to
understand which areas are and aren’t working for you, unless you create the opportunity to discuss them and make changes together. It’s important to remember that anything you try out doesn’t have to be permanent. You might trial sleeping apart for a night or two, before having another conversation to see if you are feeling more rested – or if any new issues have popped up. This can help to avoid any resentment building, and enable you to both get a better night’s sleep without creating additional worries. Sleeping separately doesn’t have to be an every night occurrence, either! Scheduling in weekend sleep-ins together can be one way to ensure the spark remains in the bedroom, while still prioritising quality sleep on weekdays. So, if you or your partner is struggling for shut-eye, consider whether some time sleeping apart could actually bring you closer together.
Avoidance is never the answer. Here’s how to start the conversation…
Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid
Money is often seen as a taboo subject, but when you’re in a relationship, it’s important to be on the same page with your budget –whether you’re saving for a specific goal, dividing up responsibilities, or simply setting expectations. So, follow this quick guide to getting to the bottom line when it comes to financial discussions.
1. Be curious
Unless there is a pressing financial issue, you don’t have to dive head-first into an emotionally charged conversation. Start with a simple question to spark an open discussion. For example, ask how your partner was taught about money as a youngster, or whether they prefer to spend or save. Sharing views on money will create a deeper understanding, which can facilitate smoother conversations on the subject.
2. Get a date in the diary
For more in-depth discussions, set a specific day to chat. Then, make a list of any documents or figures required, and store them in a folder you both have access
to. Building in time to prepare will help alleviate stress, shame, or confusion, which is important for anyone who has experienced financial trauma in the past. If there are a lot of topics to be discussed (e.g. debt, savings, or home repairs) break these down into separate chats.
3. Pick a time when you’re both relaxed
Timing matters. Say you need to have a conversation about an unpaid bill – doing so as you’re both running late for work will probably result in things getting more heated than a Sunday morning chat over coffee where you can take your time and listen to each other. The space can impact the conversation, too; sometimes, talking in a public place can provide neutral ground. Alternatively, consider enlisting the help of a couples counsellor to facilitate discussions.
4. Lead with compassion
Everyone has their own unique relationship with money, which can cause a vicious cycle
between money and mental health problems – for example, those with ADHD can be prone to impulsive spending, while someone with anxiety may find they are really meticulous with their budget and emphatic about saving for an emergency. Approach financial conversations with the same level of love and compassion you would bring to a discussion about mental wellbeing. This creates a safe, non-judgemental environment which encourages honesty and openness for both sides.
5. Be a team player
Approach your discussion as a team, and find ways to work towards any shared goals you might have. Judging how your partner spends their money is not helpful. Instead, empathise with their situation, and create a plan you can both agree on. For practical tools and calculators, visit moneyhelper.org.uk where you’ll find impartial guidance on specific issues such as pensions, redundancy, debt, budgeting, and mortgages.
From a podcast putting a pin in fast fashion to a multifunctional lavender-scented gift, we’re sharing 10 creative wellbeing recommendations you’ll want to try
Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird
1
All the Lonely People: Conversations on Loneliness by Sam Carr Loneliness can affect all of us at any point in our lives, and it’s a growing problem. But to address it, it’s best to understand it. In All the Lonely People, you’ll find collections of stories about loneliness from people of all walks of life, including accounts from author and psychologist Dr Sam Carr himself. (Out now, £16.99)
2
wellbeing trail
3
Be a cheerleader at a running event
If you stumble across a local 5k,10k, or half marathon event near you, head on down and cheer people on, regardless of whether you know anyone or not. The supportive claps and words of encouragement are the fuel that runners need to help them cross the finishing line, and it can put a spring in your step, too!
4
‘Check Your Thread’
‘Check Your Thread’ is a weekly podcast born out of the passion of one sewing teacher who wants to stitch sustainability into her sewing practices. In each episode, she invites guests from the industry to join the conversation on all things sewing, and how to reduce its impact on the environment. (Available on all podcast platforms)
Did you know that in selected forests around the UK, you can find self-led wellbeing trails? Launched by Forestry England, you’re invited to put your best foot forward when it comes to health and wellbeing as you walk among the trees, and follow signposts that encourage you to pause and be at one with your surroundings. Don’t forget to download your free forest wellbeing journal before you visit! (Visit forestryengland.uk/wellbeing-trails to find your nearest trail)
5
Glimpse of a Rainbow
This popular Instagram account posts heartfelt, raw snippets of thoughts and words on grief, made by a creator who is grieving herself. For anyone who is facing their own journey through loss and grief, this account will make you feel a little less alone. (@glimpseofarainbow on Instagram)
7
Learn to count in a different language Learning something new can benefit us hugely, but it doesn’t need to be something grand to have an impact, such as mastering a new instrument. Something small can be just as challenging, like learning how to count to 10 in a different language. Want to give it a go? Let’s start in un, deux, trois… (Search for tutorials on YouTube)
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Whether it’s blocking TikTok every evening to prevent aimless scrolling before bed, or YouTube when your concentration isn’t quite where it should be, wave farewell to unhealthy phone habits with Refocus. Simply choose which apps/ websites to block and for how long, so that you can spend time on your phone when the moment is right for you. (Available on all app platforms)
8
75 soft challenge
Could this former TikTok trend be the answer to building healthy habits around health and fitness? For 75 days, your challenge is to follow these four rules: eat more nutritious foods and only drink on social occasions; train for 45 minutes every day (including one rest day a week recovery); drink three litres of water; and read 10 pages of any book each day.
Anna Richardson: Love, Loss and Dementia
In an effort to raise awareness, Channel 4 has produced an honest documentary about living with dementia with help from the Alzheimer’s Society. We follow presenter Anna Richardson as she meets affected families, and talks about her father’s experience with vascular dementia. (Available to watch on E4 catch up)
6 10
Lavender Sachets from Spritz Wellness
Multifunctional and beautifully designed, these sachets scented with lavender are the perfect accessory for your home and wellbeing needs. Hang them up in your wardrobe and place them in your drawers to bring a fresh aroma to your belongings, or switch it up by popping one under your pillow for a tranquil night’s sleep. (£28.00, spritzwellness.com)
For your chance to win, simply email your answer to the following question to competitions@happiful.com
Which part of a lavender plant is primarily used for its fragrance?
a) Flowers
b) Roots c) Stem
*Competition closes 31 January 2025. UK and Northern Ireland only. T&Cs apply. Good luck!
Environmental A sense of comfort, safety, and connection to your surroundings.
Occupational
Deriving satisfaction and engagement from matters relating to your work or career.
Emotional
Navigating life’s challenges and taking care of your emotional needs to develop mental resilience.
Spiritual
Having conviction in your beliefs and values, which acts as a guide to inform your actions.
Explore the eight dimensions of wellbeing to analyse what areas you could turn your attention to, as well as celebrate where you’re already thriving
Physical
Your body’s physical health and prioritising behaviours to support that.
Financial
The skills and ability to manage your expenses and obligations, feeling secure in this.
Social The ability to communicate effectively and form deep connections with others.
Intellectual Opportunities for personal growth, increasing skills and knowledge, and embracing curiosity.
When
it comes to mental health, is decluttering really as transformative as the hype would have you believe?
Writing | Victoria Stokes
What’s the first thing you do when you’re feeling stressed? Me? I take out the bins. It’s an unusual self-care hack, but somehow it makes me feel lighter and more in control. Next, I’ll tackle ‘the messy drawer’ – a space in our home that houses all the random stuff we’ve accumulated that doesn’t have a space of its own, like business cards, charging leads, and halfused chapsticks that should have been tossed long ago. These tasks, as simple and unassuming as they seem, give me a feeling of accomplishment and control. By simply creating some physical space in my home, I feel a little more ready to take on the world. Maybe you’ve noticed that by saying goodbye to the stuff you no longer need, you feel a little more empowered, too.
If so, you’re certainly not the only one to recognise the power of a little tidying up. Just ask Marie Kondo, decluttering expert and author of the New York Times bestseller The Life-Changing Magic Of Tidying Up, or simply turn on your TV where you’ll find countless shows extolling the benefits of decluttering, like Master The Mess and The Gentle Art Of Swedish Death Cleaning. These books and shows all have one thing in common: they each claim that decluttering has the ability to make you happier. But when it comes to mental health, is tidying up as transformative as the hype would have you believe? Or, is it simply a mental health Band-Aid, that offers a too-simple solution for something as complex as achieving long-term, good mental health? >>>
Tap to tidy
Solutions-focused psychotherapist Gin Lalli weighs in. She says, “When we’re anxious or stressed, we can feel like we have lost control, so decluttering is an active process to get that sense of control back again.
“Clutter can be distracting. It makes it difficult to concentrate on your tasks, so by creating a more organised environment, you’re promoting focus and productivity as well,” she enthuses.
In our always-on world, full of lengthy to-do lists and impending deadlines, it’s all too easy to feel overwhelmed and uncertain. And when we feel this way, clutter can seem especially suffocating. In turn, this limits your ability to think clearly, and impacts your capacity to make decisions, whether you’re making a life-
altering choice about your future, or simply deciding what to have for tea.
Gin says, when it comes to decluttering, increased mental clarity is the benefit that her clients report most. In her opinion, clutter is never a purely physical thing. It’s often a manifestation of what is going on inside our heads; a reflection of our mental state.
Think of it like this: have you ever felt too overwhelmed to tackle your overflowing laundry basket after a stressful day of work, or noticed that clutter seems to pile up when your mind is on other things? When our thoughts feel busy and disorganised, sometimes our homes do as well.
Occasionally, clutter – and indeed the need to get rid of it – can be a warning sign of an undiagnosed mental health concern, like a hoarding disorder or obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). Take one study, published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, for example, which found that people who described their homes as ‘cluttered’ were more likely to feel stressed and depressed.
If you feel overwhelmed by stuff or by your need to get rid of it, Gin advises checking if your behaviours are excessive, or compulsive, or if they interfere with your daily functioning.
“When cleaning or decluttering becomes your primary focus, to the detriment of other important factors in life, then you should really seek professional help,” she notes. “It’s not a healthy coping
strategy, and decluttering alone is not enough to address certain mental health conditions like depression, anxiety, or OCD.”
Does decluttering offer many mental and emotional benefits? Sure, but it’s not a fix-it-all for mental health, and if you’re dealing with extreme stress, or managing a diagnosable mental health concern, it’s likely to fall short of the mark.
“Decluttering can clear mental fog and provide a sense of mental clarity,” Gin points out, but if you’re using it as a mental health aid it can only go so far. Basically? You won’t find the answer to your problems or the root cause of your issues at the bottom of a recently decluttered drawer.
“While decluttering can provide temporary relief, and even a sense of accomplishment, it is important to seek comprehensive mental health support and/or treatment if it’s required,” Gin says. That might mean sharing how you’re feeling with a friend, or seeking out the support of a qualified therapist.
If you are planning to declutter as a way of bringing some balance back into your life, then take the advice of Lisa Talbot, a personal stylist who helps people declutter their wardrobes. She says her clients often describe decluttering as a cathartic experience. Some tell her it’s lifted a weight off their shoulders, while others say it’s acted as an antidote to overwhelm.
Her top decluttering tip is to make sure the timing is right: you
shouldn’t do it if, mentally and emotionally, you don’t feel ready. And when you are ready to take tidying on, it’s a good idea to start small. Begin with one room at a time, or even just a wardrobe, cupboard, or drawer. Whatever feels manageable for you in the moment.
Lisa advises grouping similar items together, so you can see exactly what you have. “Then go back through the sections and ask yourself, ‘Do I love it?’ If the answer is no, then you can remove the item,” she suggests. And if the whole process feels too emotionally taxing? Stop and come back to it another time.
Ultimately, Gin says, the environment you are in plays a huge part in your mental fitness. “Think about how good you feel when you are in nature, or have beautiful things around you,” she says. “We should be treating our personal spaces in this way too; creating a safe, beautiful place for ourselves where we can be truly relaxed.”
Whether you’re a seasoned declutterer who simply loves getting rid, or a procrastinator who avoids it at all costs, it’s a good idea to manage your expectations. Decluttering can transform your home, but don’t expect it to transform your mind. Mental health is complex, and decluttering simply won’t solve all your problems.
That said, if you’re going through a rough patch, struggling to make a big decision, or wanting to start over, letting go of some of your physical baggage might just help you muddle through.
Steady blood sugar levels can help you feel good in the short and long-term. So, how can you stay on top of them?
Writing | Elizabeth Bennett Illustrating | Rosan Magar
If you have ever experienced a slump after a big lunch or a sweet snack, you will be aware of how what you eat impacts how you feel. This is largely connected to blood sugar levels, or what is referred to as glucose. “All carbohydrates that we eat are ultimately broken down into glucose, but the type we consume, alongside various other factors, dictates how fast they are absorbed into the bloodstream,” nutritionist Amie Parry-Jones explains.
Ideally, you want to maintain steady blood sugar levels throughout
the day and avoid spikes and subsequent crashes. If you do, in the short-term you will notice your energy levels stay stable, you have better clarity, an improved mood, less brain fog, and sound sleep. In the longterm, this helps you keep a steady weight, improves cardiovascular health, and reduces the risk of diseases like type 2 diabetes. There are a number of ways to maintain steady blood sugar levels, and feel these benefits both through your diet and the type of lifestyle you follow. These are five good starting points...
The easiest way to avoid refined carbohydrates is to swap
white carbs for their brown counterparts. For instance, you can choose whole grain bread, pasta, and rice, as well as look out for foods that contain whole grains like oats, corn, rye, wholewheat, barley, bulgur, spelt, and buckwheat. “These carbohydrates retain more nutrients and fibre to slow the release of energy,” Amie explains.
Ensure you’re getting enough dietary protein and fibre Including the right amount of dietary protein and fibre in your diet is key to controlling blood sugar levels. The levels recommended for adults are 30g per day of fibre (NHS) and 0.75g of protein for each kilogram you weigh (Reference Nutrient Intakes or RNI).
“These food groups slow digestion and promote a more gradual energy release from food,” Amie says. Both dietary protein and fibre also increase satiety (a sense of fullness) and slow the release of the hormone ghrelin, which signals hunger. “This helps with appetite control and reduces the temptation to snack on sugary, processed foods that can elevate blood sugar levels,” Amie adds.
Having a breakfast rich in dietary protein and fibre is particularly important as this sets your blood sugar levels up well for the day ahead.
Exercise is a win-win when it comes to regulating blood sugar levels. This is because when you exercise, your muscles need more energy to fuel movement.
“The body breaks down stored glucose in muscles, and also takes up glucose from the blood to supply the muscles with energy. This helps lower blood sugar levels,” Amie says. Simultaneously, regular exercise
also improves how sensitive your cells are to insulin. “This means that after exercising, your muscles become more efficient at absorbing glucose from the blood. Even better, increased insulin sensitivity can last for hours or even days after a workout, making it easier to manage blood sugar levels,” Amie explains.
Getting sufficient sleep is crucial for regulating blood sugar levels. Firstly, ghrelin and leptin, the two hormones that regulate hunger and appetite, are directly impacted by sleep quantity and quality. “Sleep deprivation increases ghrelin (which stimulates hunger) and decreases leptin (which signals fullness), leading to increased appetite, especially for high-carb and sugary foods,” Amie says. Subsequently, this can cause overeating, leading to blood sugar spikes. Secondly, sleep also helps keep cortisol levels in check. “When you don’t get enough sleep, cortisol levels rise, which can lead to elevated blood sugar levels,” she adds.
Amie Parry-Jones is a female health and eating disorder nutritionist, researcher, and public speaker. Find out more on Nutritionist Resource
Stress levels and blood sugar levels are directly linked. “Stress elevates blood glucose levels through the release of hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, which increase glucose production and impair insulin sensitivity,” Amie explains. “Chronic stress can lead to insulin resistance, poor eating habits, disrupted sleep, and longterm health complications like type 2 diabetes,” she cautions. Tackling the cause of the stress at its core is fundamental, but prioritising mindfulness exercise, creative activities, and quality time with friends and family, is important, too.
Stress elevates blood glucose levels through the release of hormones like cortisol and adrenaline
Whether it’s at work or in your personal life, discover the steps you can take to develop a strong sense of self-agency
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
It’s thought that from as early as six weeks old, babies start to display a sense of selfagency. They may begin to make noises deliberately, and show some control over their physical movements. In toddlerhood, they learn that they have some influence over outcomes, and that they can get other people to respond to their needs. Into childhood, kids learn that their opinions and preferences matter. Then, adults often find freedom in their ability to take control and make choices.
Except, that doesn’t always happen. It might have stemmed from an early experience that made you feel like you’re preferences and opinions don’t matter, or you might now find yourself in an environment where you no longer feel you have a sense of control over your life, be that at home or at work –but whatever the cause, a weak
sense of agency can be a difficult thing to live with.
“A sense of agency is essential for your wellbeing and sense of self,” explains life coach Anita Gohil-Thorp. “It’s about the freedom you feel when you have to make choices and decisions about your life, or things to do with your work and career. With a sense of agency, you feel able to make decisions that shape outcomes without internal or external barriers; for example, deciding to change your job (decision) to one that you believe will lead to personal fulfilment (outcome).”
Daniel Wegner was an American social psychologist and professor of psychology at Harvard University. It was his belief that there are three criteria involved in a sense of agency. They are: priority (the individual must have planned or thought about the action before it occurs);
exclusivity (the idea that selfagency is stronger in the absence of other potential causes); and consistency (the event that happened must match the original, planned action). Daniel Wegner’s conditions align with other studies, which have found a consistent relationship between planning, or putting in thought prior to the action, and then achieving the planned action, and the sense of self-agency.
That said, Anita notes, importantly, that a healthy sense of self-agency does not mean that you have complete control of everything – in most scenarios, there will be many factors that mean that some things will not be within our ability to change. “However, if you feel that your ability to make decisions is frequently blocked by such external factors – such as imposed time constraints, a controlling person, peer or
family expectations – your sense of agency can be diminished,” Anita explains. “Your own inner sabotaging thoughts may also diminish your sense of agency, for example, if you lack confidence to make a decision in a particular area of your life.”
In a 2019 study, published in the Journal of Affective Disorders, it was found that there is a link between lower self-agency and worse depression and anxiety – at the same time, high levels of depression and negative life events were linked to a lower sense of self-agency. Anita adds that a low sense of self-agency may also lead to a dip in your selfesteem, your productivity, and your motivation – affecting many aspects of your wellbeing.
“In my work, clients often feel their sense of agency is obstructed,” Anita says. “One area is where a person with the requisite competencies feels they are nevertheless being micromanaged; their line manager emails them incessantly and requests all external emails to go via them, too. It can also be present in personal relationships. For example, one client talked about their partner not allowing them to have a say in where they moved, and this led to my client feeling undermined and out of control, as if this huge decision was taken out of their hands.”
With a sense of agency, you feel able to make decisions that shape outcomes without internal or external barriers
Anita shares the following steps:
1. Understand your goals and values. “I often start a coaching relationship with my clients with this step, as it can be the first time they have actually thought about such life-affirming matters. I ask them to identify what really matters to them, personally and professionally, as greatest fulfilment comes when what we do and who we are is aligned with our identified values. From there, you then have a greater sense of agency over where you want to go.”
2. Develop self-awareness. “As you reflect and notice any patterns in where your sense of agency is hindered, you can also notice how you tend to behave. From this, you can start to consider what you want to change – and seek support to do that. Consider talking to your manager or partner about where you want greater autonomy or agency.”
3. Focus on what is in your control. “We cannot control everything, and there will be challenges at work or personally, and it’s important to appreciate where you can have influence. You can control your attitude, your approach to challenges, your effort, and your decisions – and this more open or ‘growth’ mindset can help regulate any negative emotions when you feel your sense of agency is being encroached upon. For example,
if you dislike a key part of your job, you might notice that it helps to develop a core skill that will subsequently help your career – by thinking of it this way, you decide what your next step is.”
4. Communicate and collaborate. “Learn to advocate for yourself in a way that offers a different solution, which also works for wider relationship or workplace goals.”
Anita Gohil-Thorp is a life coach with an interest in self-leadership and confidence. Get in touch via the Life Coach Directory
5. Seek support. “If you struggle to build your sense of agency, and open communication does not resolve any identified issues, consider support from a coach or other service that is impartial to your situation. Taking control in this regard can also help you to feel you are taking positive action to enhance your life experience.”
Depending on what it is that has resulted in you feeling you do not have self-agency in your life, the work that you need to put in to put yourself in the driver’s seat will differ, and you may find that it is something you would prefer to do with the support of a mental health or wellbeing professional, such as a life coach or counsellor. But whatever your starting point, the journey is worth it. Self-agency is at the centre of the human experience, and you deserve every ounce of it.
Looking for support with your mental health?
Here are some places that can help:
If you are in crisis and are concerned for your own safety, call 999 or go to A&E
Call Samaritans on 116 123 or email them at jo@samaritans.org
SANEline
SANEline offers support and information from 4pm–10pm: 0300 304 7000
Mind
Mind offers advice Mon–Fri 9am–6pm, except bank holidays: 0300 123 3393. Or email: info@mind.org.uk
Switchboard
Switchboard is a line for LGBT+ support. Open from 10am–10pm: 0300 330 0630. Or web chat: switchboard.lgbt
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• Keep me on a coffee table to pick up when you need a boost
• Remember I’m 100% recyclable, so pop me in your recycling bin.
SUPPORT WITH EATING DISORDERS
Find information and support for those with eating disorders and their loved ones at beateatingdisorders.org.uk
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Discover advice, guides, and an online community at autism.org.uk
For free advice on any financial topic, as well as money tools and calculators, head to moneyhelper.org.uk
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